The WISMOD.

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» Witchcraft Destroys Minds... - neu

The WISMOD. 07/02/2009 « prev 1st rand curr next »

The WISMOD. It's like wisdom, but separate.

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Nubbin-crazer. 5'd.

5'd for 'bodice-rippery'.

Conjures up images of Casanova just tearing through early modern Venice. Nuns all blushing, gondoliers all crashing into each other.

Think "Mirror's Edge" but instead of mind numbingly boring it's sex having.

"What'cha doing Casanova?"
"Having some sex."
"Oh Casanova, you syphilitic old rascal! When will you ever learn?"

He died. Like Elvis did. Only game in town.

On the toilet with deep-fried burger in his mouth and out of his mouth and chewed up bits on his wang?

WISMOD sounds like a lesbian robot.

Take Me To Your Breeder.

I wonder if there's a WISMOD 'app'. I wonder what it would do to my phone.

Vibrate automatically if placed in your girlfriend's pants.

Oh, look at me, assuming someone on the Internet has a girlfriend. Wait. I have a girlfriend. Carry on.

He does have a girlfriend people, and she's great. Very soft hands, very soft, skilled hands.

Like a velvet glassblower.

You use Nivea don't you?

Assetbar! He likes me calling him my girlfriend.

I only use organic lotion

FAP. The only organic lotion recommended by hedonismbot.

Let's get your catalog read. Let's move some product.

Fap! I'm a Dapper Dong man!

I was going to photoshop together a little tin of cock-polish called Dapper Dong. Then I remembered that I neither own, nor know how to use photo shop. I tried to draw one in ms paint, but it became pretty clear that the dog wouldn't hunt. So allow me instead to paint you a word picture. The words 'dapper dong' are embossed in white letters, on a navy blue background. An anthropomorphic penis is painted with a trompe-l'oeil effect so that it appears to be bursting through the label. It is grinning in the asymmetrical manner beloved of 1950s action heroes, and grasps a cigarette between its strong white teeth. The tin bears a Royal Warrant, and a warning that it should be kept away from children at all costs.

'cock-polish' is responsible for 80% of my chubby.

Isn't that pretty much always the case?

That's what she said.

I want to paint a B-52 like this penis.

You can come read my catalog any time. I'm pro-duct movement.

God. That was a stretch. I'm posting this as punishment to myself.

WHAT IS THIS!?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

What's going on her- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHH AH AH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ah, I see you fellows are screaming in terror. Do you mind if I join you?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Do you notice how I spelled my scream with a 'rgh' at the end. I think people will appreciate that extra degree of professionalism.

I was Skeleton in the Closet screaming. Just for clarification. The complete terror of the scream does not allow for your throat to gurgle that rhotic ending out.

Nice try sir. But the Skeleton scream has no aitch at the end. Even the voiceless glottal fricative is beyond the reach of the truly terrified.

By gum, you're right. Chubbied for accuracy and phonetics.

What do the crossed-out words say?

Word, singular. Sorry.

I stared at it for quite a while and got nothing but "zhoon". I don't know what that says about me.

"sheen", I'd hazard

Oh Ice Cube. Is there nothing you can't do?

(You could have showed some more self-restraint when it came to XXX: State of the Union. Just sayin'.)

On the other hand, I couldn't have been more pleased with Three Kings.

'Anaconda', anyone?

Oh shiiiiiiiiit

That's the risk one takes when one has got buns, hon.

Haha, oh it took me far too long to get that.

All of these comments imply none of you have a problem with 'Are we there yet?' or 'Are we done yet?' which is a problem in and of itself.

I am solidly in favor of any storyline rooted in Cornelius writing smut.

I believe that is actually his current occupation. Well...narrating smut, at least.

I am solidly in favor of this eventually tying into yesterday's strip.

Someday, I pray that I will have the writing chops of Cornelius Bear.

The man is an artist and his paintbrush is the old-fashioned typewriter.

Only he possesses the ability to write such eloquent gastrosexual id candy.

Williams-Sonoma's website have a FAQ question: What is White Glove Delivery.

When a tall, dark-skinned man with a white glove enters her to the wrist and retrieves a cookware order of her choice. The dark-skinned man also does children's parties and weddings.

And this is better than fingering like crazy how?

... and what do either of these things have to do with eating shit?

The Man with The Glove, is gentle. Removing a whisk or a deluxe grater is a delicate, exhilirating business.

Quote:

enters her to the wrist

Damn.

Quote:

The dark-skinned man also does children's parties

As long as he doesn't lead them back to his Ranch I'm okay with that.

He does, but it is at an abandoned hobby farm Horse Ranch. The parents take them along but feel ill at ease when they arrive. You don't want to know from where he retrieves the suprise children's toys. The dark-skinned man smiles wanly.

"The Horse Ranch can meet any need," he says with a smile.

i think they serve the EVOO at five guys.

chubby for knowing what Five Guys is

I suppose it would indicate the I've been on the internet for a bit too long when I read EVOO as EVDO.

Which did not really make a lot of sense.

Women who masturbate to Rachel Ray fantasies will never get laid by men with descended testicles.

Yeah, those men with descended testicles are a choosy bunch in general.

At the mere mention of Rachel Ray, all testicles within a 5 mile radius automatically become undescended.

YUM-O!

Is that a hedonismbot fortune cookie?

Cha-Ching!

Heh. I always liked "Help me, I am trapped in a fortune cookie factory, where I am masturbating into your cookies."

'...In bed'. Ha! Hilarious!

Will this be the year that Rachel Ray finally gets her boobies?

As soon as I saw "R. Dana Canter" I thought "anagram", but after ten minutes of experimentation the best results I could come up with were "An errant cad", "care and rant" and, most fittingly, "narrated can".

I think we must just come to accept that Cornelius lacks Phillipe's genius for nomenclature, to say nothing of his even-handed pacing and characterisation.

Philippe, rather.

I so solly.

I enjoy the contrast of Philippe's childlike approach to sensuality with Cornelius' wiser, practical and more world-weary attitudes regarding smutty stories.

Rock on, Onstad, rock on.

Everybody's writin' at me
I can't hear a word they're sayin'
Only the echoes
Of my mind.

vOv

Wish I had a typewriter that ZING!s

You mean whenever you finish a line it says, "Why don't you go on a date? Oh yeah, the whole face thing..."?

ZINGs! and BUUURRRRRNs!

A retired strongman is working on the infomercial presently.

Too soon, man! I was willing to let the "white glove" thing slide by, but this...

Ahhh... I wasn't making any kind of MJ reference, he has permeated your ideas of dark-skinned men and white gloves. I just liked the contrast of colours. Oh... has a retired strongman died recently??

Probably the infomercial reference. Billy Mays has passed, ya know.

I hereby offer the "I'm From The Antipodes" defence, read: Ignorance.

Billy Mays probably pitched for the Antipodes, actually.

Pun Time: Imagine the Antipodes was the name of a baseball team.

Antipodeans need no-one to pitch for them. We are proud and upstanding (until around 9pm) and speak for ourselves!

if that's ok with our american friends.

Come to think of it. Who the hell are these Podeans that we are opposing?

World class losers. They reek of defeet.

The Islands:

The Inhabitants:

Send money now

<tribute>BILLY MAYS COULD SELL ANYTHING ON EARTH! HE COULD SELL SHEEP TO A NEW ZEALANDER, STINK TO AN AUSSIE, OR COCONUTS TO A MICRONESIAN! ACT NOW AND I WILL PERSONALLY ADD IN A FREE THAI HOOKER TO EVERY ORDER OF COCONUTS! <tribute>

Billy Mays could loudly berate you in just such a way that you realize he has a point and you should listen to him and do (buy) what he says.

Wow. Offensive then. Could he sell a Smug Sense of Superiority to a U.S. Citizen?

Fermatprime: I wasn't lambasting some dead sales man, but now I've decided that that isn't such a bad idea.

Could he sell tastelessness to gladi8orrex?

You might've mistaken the decidedly antipodean lean of that sales pitch for ethnocentrism.

Oh shit! Aussies vs. Okies!

Assetbar will run red tonight!

This will go poorly for the Okies. The Aussies have a messed up form of English, but at least they can read it.

No way amigo. Once they realize they're both the descendants of land-grabbing riff-raff, and each are a hop, skip, or a tornado from Kansas (work with me here, Munchkins), it'll be all
"Compagnero!"

To say nothing of the shared affinity for brewed beverages

OK?

Did that really warrant a lame?

i chubbied ur comment

Tanx.

don't mind woodenteeth it is that time of the month for him

I didn't lame you. An explanation would be nice though??

Ray's line "fart at midnight" -> "Moanin' at Midnight", a song by my favorite blues artist Howlin' Wolf -> "Fartin' at Midnight." I thought it would be fun for the whole family but I guess it's only for the weird uncles in the audience.

At least somebody cares about us.

What else am I here for?

Wanna come over and see my attic?

DO I.

It is apparent that you do not.

...and I just made the link. I didn't lame you, but feel free to lame me. Holy shit.

I mean crap, dude!

I am the man who sucks. No depression.

Maybe you should consider it?

I don't want to lame you, honestly I don't care, I just saw the lame and thought you lamed me and found it a bit egregious is all. This place keeps getting more and more aggressive.

We gotta watch our backs here man... guerilla warfare. We need some kind of Glad-iator.

What have you done

There was a dream that was Rome...

Think about it; if any other forum community ever decides to ruffle our feathers, we have an army led by Glad to fill our heavenly palace with slaves for the afterlife.

A concise rendition of the bloos.

Howlin' Wolf: A-How-how-how-how.

Nick: Fart-fart-fart-fart.

Scorpio: Lame-lame-lame-lame.

Nick: A-Bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo.

And yeah, I'm pushing a John Lee Hooker riff, but that's okay too.

A-Boom-boom-boom-boom.

I wear a rattlesnake for a neckti-A-BLOO-BLOO-BLOO-A-BLOO-BLOO-BLOO

And so it was you. Mystery solved.

We all know why. You're a Detroit man. No shame.

Born in Chicago outskirts, actually.

"Oops."

I HATE THE FACT THAT THIS WAS LAMED

i also chubbied this, hah!

Steam-fries, is, is that double cooked? Like first you steam it then you fry it? A..a and why the tautology of rocket and arugula when they are the same leaf. I totally understand the kneading of breasts with extra virgin olive oil though, no need to explain that fruity goodness.

If only EVOO wasn't inextricably linked to Rachel Ray in my mind.

It is inextricably linked to extra virgins in my mind.

Extra Virgins: They're not your father's virgins.

This is your brain on Rachel Ray, deep-fried in EVOO.

Chitlins? No doubt some kind of home cooked vittles.

I believe that is a funnel cake.

Also, it is a bad idea to fry in extra virgin.

Yeah, low smoking point, and a waste of first pressing fruitiness. Extra virgin should be enjoyed with some crusty, chewy, white bread and either some Balsamic vinegar, or maybe some frshly ground dukkah.

You can also shotgun it. Recommended if you want the full experience.

It makes a first class enema as well.

Aw figs to ya.

Could not bring myself to make a joke about Hyderabad.

Appreciated.

Fryer? I never even met 'er.

Put my middle and index finger roughly into her pudenda while reciting bawdy limericks and gyrating my groin into the side of her face? I never even met'er.

Oh god, please let this be the start of a story arc.

NO.

Ray is totally high in the last panel. Check that cheeky grin.

No, no, no, that is the smile of a salesman who knows they are helping their customer increase their business. The deal is good for him, yes, but even more beneficial to the client, that fills him with a sense of pride that cannot be contained.

How well the business community addresses [the client's] needs is up to you and me. It's an exciting time.

kick his pinko-commie stinkring

Are you two guys a thing?

we are sometimes on the same page. But that Alex man, I just don't get what planet the dude's from. It's sad man. How can a guy be so smart, yet so dumb? He's got major insecurities going on. Insecurities sap your soul, make you a pussy, a woman even.

If you're sad about anything other than how you're spending your summer, you need to reprioritize.

That is, unless you are achilleselbow. If that is the case, time for a new troll, man. This one's a little stale.

u fin' him u fight him. nothin' wong wit 2 grown men settlin' shit with punchs

dang ray so--*fart*--true, mang, so--*burrrrrrp*--true. couldn't have--*riiiiiiiiiip*--said it better--*faaaaaart*--myself.--*urrrrrepppp*

"with teh price of gas so high i cannit eat nachos no more lol. can't aford to faux-shit no more"

And here I thought WISMOD was just shorthand for what clerics rely on.

I'd hit it.

wait so you mean to tell me that 50% of everyone on assetbar is stoned out of their minds? but then what about the other 60%?

75% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Only 10% of the population is aware of that.

humans. you "people" malka me lol

i was surprised to find out myself

but then I realized that it makes perfect sense, since we read a webcomic with cats that hit the bong regularly and get stoned with frequency

I think I've just come.

But do you wanna?

brb guys i needa shit real bad but dis radio programme is so interesting i fink if it doesnt end soon will shit pants. more on dis at 12 am gmt

Oh man I hope he doesn't crap himself. That would be awful. I don't know what I'd do

I was going to chubby you but I ran out

Huuugs

What if some even got on the Mayor

Siiick!

We're in your corner, Glad!

We're not in his corner.

It smells awful in that corner.

Baby.

Why can't I be you.

You breakin my heart in two.

Lick my cod and two.

My Frynapple-sense is tingling.

I detect a troll.

Your what?

"Yew know. Me pencil and spectacles."

Huh?

Auto-fellatio is dangerous and can be addictive. Don't risk it.

~~i'm gay as hell an' im not gonna hide it anymore~~ i fuck women with a big dick and fight men who look at me wrong. step up off me

The dirt's gonna be your dessert my EVOO be your life source and the only way to get it is to suck, or fuck, or be poor and devoid and masturbate me, masturbate me, then slurp it from your palm, like a dry desert soaking up rain soaking up sun, like a dry desert soaking up rain, soaking up sun...

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The WISMOD. 07/02/2009 « prev 1st rand curr next »

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