As your doctor (of Philosophy!), I must recommend that you fire your lawyer.

brakets:
("brah-kay") n., lit. French form of "brackets".

As your brah? Dude I totally recommend you use this strip to explain yourself; I mean, can you imagine? She's all talking and stuff and you just pop out a fucking Achewood strip all badass and if she don't get it man just forget her cause if she don't have a sense of humor about shit you might wanna rethink shit cause that shit's fucking important in a relationship man and if you're talking babies...dude.

As your taxidermist, I have nothing of import to say regarding this matter.

Not many gentlemen still have a preferred taxidermist. These days its all Far Eastern botch jobs and moth eaten tat of e-bay. The world is too much with us, late and soon.

As your chartered accountant, I'm going to go leap from a high window now.

DEFENESTRATION!!

As your gynecologist, I love them.

Find out on the next Law and Order: Special Victims Unit

"Oh you KNOW I'm gonna investigate that shit."

- Ice T.

Seeing one cartoon 'rection each week feels sufficient.

I read it in a week for a American lit class in college. People told me that the reason I didn't enjoy it was that I rushed through it for the necessary reason described above, even though they were only saying this because they really liked the Professor and were convinced that his ramblings gave his class character, and had not read the book.

But for me, the story went like this:

"Hey what's up. I'm a dude named Augie March. I don't know what I want out of life but I get lots of cool experiences mainly because I am handsome. Apparently, I'm Jewish because the guy who wrote my book is Jewish, even though that never comes up anywhere in the freaking book. If you need the kind of Judaism that is spelled out for you, read Malamud.

"There's a bunch of interesting characters, but I can't really spend time with them. You're stuck with me and my bland descriptions of my interactions with them. Anyone of them could be a much more interesting narrator for a novel but I'm more important because I cover so much ground.

"Check it. I totally bone a bunch of boring, overly submissive female characters but it's important because it's the fifties and I guess this has never happened in a novel before. I don't know I didn't really look. There's a few interesting women like the chick who has a baby out of wedlock by some other dude and I help take care of her but I got 200 more pages to fill and I can't be held down with a plot so I got rid of her.

"I think I stole books for a while. It makes me a rebel but with a dash of likeable hipsterism. I will inspire a generation of dudes to wear glasses without frames. And scarves. Lots of scarves. They will think they can get laid this way.

"I go to Mexico with this other chick and become a falconer, but I suck at it so I go back home to Chicago.

"Oh shit World War II started. I guess I want to fight or something. That's what everyone wanted to do during my generation right? My ambivalence which comes more from a lack of describing what I'm thinking than what I am actually thinking makes me so compelling.

"I marry some other random chick. The End."

Fuck that guy.

One time my friend got pretty blazed and drunk and we were standing outside a house and few people came out and started a campfire. My friend began cheering them on by shouting things like "FUCK YEAH! FIRE!" and "BURN THAT SHIT!" and "SET THAT SHIT ON FIRE!" When I told him he was being kind of an ass he turned to them and said, semi-obnoxiously, "Hey, man, sorry for partying," as though to say, "Just because you're not partying means that I have to put my completely great partying on low heat? That is mega bullshit, but whatev, chief."

Ever since the phrase "Sorry for partying" has become an arbitrary expression of moral and drunken superiority among my pals. If you do something crazy like shit on a put bill, well, "Sorry for partying," and you are completely in the right. Vomit pants buttons all over a passed out cheerleader at a baby shower? Sorry for partying. Snort a line of organic honey and get three chicks and a dude pregnant? Sorry for partying. Slam some weed in some everclear and pound some hoot juice and wind up freezing up the Jumotron at a Knicks game? Sorry for partying.

Listen Congressman, no-one is going to pass that Bill if you dump on it! Sorry for Partying!

SCREW YOU for writing the greatest thing ever written anywhere. FUCK YOU.

In my tattoo, the ICP is actually the last topping on a loaded baked potato, but the idea is basically the same.

A tomato provides minimal crash protection at best. For the human race at large, this is possibly the best place for Insane Clown Posse to be, since it's prohibitively expensive to launch them into the sun.

and then a little later it's replaced with "Seriously, man. It is far to warm in here. Can somebody turn on the AC?"

This is my idea for the best tattoo-related thing to do ever. In a horrible way.

I want to take the drunk girl at a party to a tatoo parlor, and get her a tattoo of the monopoly guy (or better yet, my smiling face) between her breasts so that it looks like he is holding them apart with viscious glee. When her breasts are not held apart, the only parts of the tattoo visible are the fingertips on the inside edges of the knockers.

People will be all "what are those things on your boobs?" and she'll shamefully (or optimally, with great pride) spread her breasts to reveal my opus.


I have lost many nights of sleep over whether or not the monopoly guy should have a big speech bubble that says "SURPRISE!". So many pros.

dammitfuck i should have said sorry for partying