Is....is this an allegory for the iPad?

Congratulation! Have a seven dollar potato.

Why not a £7 potato? It would feed a lot more people.

w-what is that symbol? i-it could be anything! w-what does this comment mean? HELP ME!

well fuck me. that butcher job only had six blades.
I ... I'm sorry guys.

Six and a half, sort of.
By the way, that messed up character apparently just means conversion screwed up and it could have been anything. :(

It might have one on the back...

Arbeit mach fries?

Yes, that was horrible. Yes, I'm going to hell.

[IMGS OFF]
There's no pun for this one, I just thought it was funny and potato-related.
Is that so wrong?

Has she shaved her special area recently? Did she use the aforementioned potato peeler? What kind of car does she drive?
More importantly, why does she have no head, arms or legs and yet have the ability to stand? Answers, people, please!

NOOOOOOOOOO. Oh well, its not like the pund is wirth anything anyway.

In the next strip, people complain that the potato has no forward-facing camera.

What about before that?!

FUCK IT! Ray allways follow a strict logic with his ideas! In the true epistemologygist sense of the word!

Oh my god it IS

the new Catholic Indulgence? Yes. Btw, if you haven't watched Penn and Teller's episode on organic food, I highly recommend it. If you're interested in this kind of thing, it's a real eye opener, and if you're not, it's got titties.

I like it, I like everything about it. But isn't this exactly how the lash of thanatos arc started?

And it would work too if only any of us actually had the required $10k.

Alright, guys, I'm gonna start investing in businesses, help me become the next Bernie Madoff.

Dear Sir,
Request for Urgent Business Relationship.
I am the group managing director of the Nigeria National Potato Corporation (NNPC) and a member of the ad hoc committee

Do what I did

(Only 10K down)

You repeated the same joke, but this time you added a cunning misquotation into the mix. How astounding! Your mother must be inordinately proud of you.

I've been away.

And sometimes Beef starts a business, too.
He just has to stay away from predatory fligt attendants carrying BLENDED SCOTCH.

Ooo ooo Waves hand to get teacher's attention-- I'M A BUSINESS!
I've filed a Schedule C most of my adult life (that's the one for a sole proprietor type biz), me being a freelance writer in my spare time, sometimes all the time.

The point of the short strips was to make regular updates more likely.

We've had two long strips in less than three days.

That's good! Don't jinx it, ya radge weegee fuckur!

Oooh! Russian Front (frost)BURN!

Hey. Godwin's law.

That would be the joke, yes.

Belgand has also just finished reading Stalingrad: The Fateful Siege and is thinking about it slightly more than usual.

if you dont stop saying funny things im going to spend all my chuppies on you.

Is saying chuppies the assetbar equivalent of 'no homo?'

I MUST KNOW.

No, it is the assetbar equivalent of saying "libary."

The Kindly Ones is an inside look at the Germans during the Battle of Stalingrad, among other things, like figuring out how to run execution squads.

And just when I thought I'd read every book written about that battle....

Oh. Fiction. Never mind.

Calm down, Mark.

Godwin-chubby!

Philippe vs. Nermal in a cagematch. Who you got?

I know! Poil boiling gravy in Nermal's eyes! That ought to do her in!

I think you made a mistake earlier than looking at their eyelashes.

Well, if we're being honest, it's more 'plausible deniability' than a 'mistake'.

I mean, cocks in frocks is one thing. But you want to get a vaguely believable one in case you're rumbled. Then you can act all shocked.

Shit, did I type that, or just think it?

Wait, does that mean Garfield is gay?

but gay men take care of themselves and would never eat such amounts of lasagne

that is the accepted stereotype

I would say Garfield is a Bear, but that would just be confusing.

Eunuchs are sassy, yes? I mean, what else can ya do to them?

Ray has moved onto selling life concepts people do not need.

Next stop: motivational speaking and MLM.

Possibly including the dramatic return of Airwolf.

Philippe's sneakers could also be modified to great effect.

Mexican Magic Realism Sneakers: jog through walls, cloud men's feet, stride right and . . . stare at goats!

i would chubby this ten times if i could

arc me. arc me until i break into satisfied pieces.

FUCK YEAH!

WHOA ANOTHER ONE ALREADY

Ray enjoys the idea of other people paying large amounts of money for potatoes.

My bet? Mexican Magical Realism journey to 19th Century Ireland.

nooooooo

Watch this happen.

Buy an orange 'to fight the scurvy you got while on the Sea Shepard.'

Sea Wrex.

Mass Effect references? In MY Assetbar?

Anemones everywhere!

Goddamnit

Now whenever someone completely misconstrues the context of something someone else says, i'll have to imagine a booming voice saying 'Cleanup on aisle Brain!' over a scratchy grocery PA system.

The phone call was place at the same time the strip was released, because Ray simply doesn't have time to wait.

This idea will be made profitable!

Oh, and he materialized that martini between panels one and two using solely the power of business propositions.

Or he was holding it in his non phone hand and then set it down. Knowing Ray, a quick tipple before this call is entirely likely.

I hope they sell some Mythbusters Death Metal Peas as well. It's been scientifically proved that loud, raspy screams produce better peas.

Re- the alt text: The precautionary principal dictates that we must buy the talked-to apple. It's like global warming.

I need these thought vectors - indeed chub worthy my good man.

Thank you.

"thought vectors" is a good term. makes me feel like I should be doing my thinking in a white lab coat.

you certainly have a gift for reeling in the cutie-ass urban hillbilly bitches. mad props.

Everytime I turn on the BBC some nerd is trying to get me to care about Cameroon.

Dude I just ain't that type of black guy. Give up.

At least they're not trying to get you to care about Cameron.[/lame political humour]

I... I'm sorry, assetbarbers.

And no more goddamn jerky beef.

jeffspaulding cruelly reminds me of when Eddie Murphy was funny.

When you were six?

Seventeen, if the criterion used is the last funny film that Murphy carried as the star. But he has been funny since then in "Bowfinger", "Shrek", and about half of "Raw".

"But he has been funny since then in "Bowfinger", "Shrek", and about half of "Raw"."

Should read:

"He has been funny since then in "Bowfinger", "Shrek", and about half of "Raw". But that's about it."

wait wait
Bowfinger?

He only plays one character, from where I'm standing that is an acceptable Eddie Murphy performance.

Wait.

I still find it astounding that he becomes noticeably less funny about halfway through "Coming to America". Comedy scientists are hard at work trying to detect the exact moment at which he lost it.

"Bowfinger" was good, but it was probably more due to Steve Martin who has, likewise, decided that family comedies pay better than real work. It also has Heather Graham taking her top off (even if you don't see anything) for, like, the fiftieth time or something.

It was when he became totally surrounded by sycophants, yes-men, and a "crew" -- then he directed and produced himself into idiocy.

He lost it right after the Gumby sketch.

I'll be a bit more generous and say he was funny until immediately after "Beverly Hills Cop".

"Party All The Time" came out in '85.

There was some hope for him in "Coming to America," but his sidekick Arsenio did look scared.

Bowfinger was not good. It was...interesting. Curious. Unusual. But not good.

like having sex with you

oh man

hipsters have boners for organic farming because the farmers that use chemicals and farm improperly are the sort of farmers that employ laborers that are in this country illegally. basically, hipsters hate brown guys and feel that they dont deserve to earn money in our country.

Yes, but just imagine a dude wandering the border with an M16, Army surplus camo, and an ironic handlebar mustache!

It totally works both was an you could even have im drinkin a PBR.

Chubbied for existential tragedy.

All tragedy is existential, and vice-versa.

Hella beret chubby, yo. *snapsnapsnap*

PBR is not an excuse. I would have to drink more PBR than is available in the world at any given time to explain spelling mistakes.

Quote:

A-ha!

Quote:

It's spelled epiphany.

Actually, your spelling is quite good - I had to go back two years to find a mistake.

Damn! Since you're obviously unemployed, how long has it been since my last spelling error?

I'll wait.

[Please note that if you don't turn this into some kind of offensive or hurtful joke, I'll be very disappointed in you.]

For you, not a spelling error, but a glaring bout of hubris:

Quote:

You're not even in the first 100: [url=http://lmgtfy.com/?q=%22Perry Bible Fellowship%22 site%3Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fm.assetbar.com%2Fachewood]To Wit[/url]

Link fucked up by assetbar, but cut and paste for proof.

btw, I am employed - I'm just a bad employee.

I was the first to mention it in that thread. That's all I meant. Context!

And I'm glad to know that we're both getting paid to do something that neither of us are doing. It's our little secret.

I bill at $250/hour -- now I just need to find a client to bill this time to.

I worked in a legal office once and billed $50 dollars an hour (to the client for the office as I got paid nowhere near that) and I remember many a time that somebody paid 50 dollars for my assetbar binge and nothing else.

You can put it on my bill, or his!
[IMGS OFF]
(this joke works on a couple layers, my avatar is a Porygon2 which resembles a duck, and Groucho Marx had a stylized duck associate on the hit television program, "You Bet Your Life")

Dude, ease up. I had a couple of epiphones myself back in the day. Very decent axen. He coulda had a knockoff

That must be it. I have an Epiphone, myself.

I have a Caliphone, but the needle is broken.

I gotta be honest, I hate that sort of thing. "Epiphone" and "Beatles". Why must they flout the English language?

Oh, I'm sure there's plenty of typos more recent than that. In fact, I would assume that most of my typos could be considered extremely recent.

But I meant that the only amount of PBR that would cause me to blame the spelling mistake on the PBR would be equal to one (1) world-ful.

If you really did go back through my comments, you would no doubt know the amount of times I've posted under the influence of other alcoholic beverages (scotch, bourbon, gin, vodka, beers that aren't PBR). Sadly, spelling mistakes would be preferred to what I normally post in these situations (e.g. married women and how I might feel about one of them), but they often garner at least a few chubbies.

My drunken pain is assetbar's gain.

Heh...no, though.

I think you answered your own qeuschen.

What happened to telescreen in between those two sentences? Many, many, PBRs, that's what.

i dont think you understood that it was a pretend idea.

[IMGS OFF]
?

Those guys are fucking corn dogs.

That's quite a history lesson.

I must look like a dork!

Tub has to be properly caulked prior to any showering.

When did Tiger Woods ever play bass?

did you just say that because he was a lighter-skinned african-american you RACIAL PROFILER

Save it for the cross-burning, Adolf.

No, but they DO own Double Nickels on the Dime...

To be fair, it is probably their best LP. Double LP. Whatever.
It doesn't seem as though UK hipsters are as aware of the Minutemen as their transatlantic bretheren might be, although having never knowingly inspected a hipster's record collection, this would be a guess based purely on superficial factors (albeit an almost entirely accurate guess, given that hipsters are composed of nearly 100% superficial atoms).

Further speculation: The record collection of the average UK hipster contains:
Let It Be (12"! Gasp!) snatched from parents' attic
Perhaps one other "random" vinyl LP or 45 picked up from an ill-advised foray to BHF or Oxfam
Any/all of the following: Arctic Monkeys, Babyshambles, that other terrible Doherty band, and whatever indie disco/electro pop is currently flavour of the month.
Everything else stored as .mp3 on a MacBook.
Record player wholly optional; if one exists, it is just about as functionally useful as its non-existant parallel.

Does anyone out there like "3-Way Tie For Last" as much as I do?

That depends largely on how much you like 3-Way Tie for Last.

(Of Double Nickels..., The Punch Line, and Buzz or Howl Under the Influence of Heat, my personal favourite is definitely Buzz...)

I like it muchly. Does that help?

I absolutely disagree. Overheard coffee shop hipsters all "mumble mumble Animal Collective blah blah Beirut mumble Vampire Weekend" ad nauseum. Hipsters don't know stuff that isn't the current CMJ top 40.

I am a person who exists within the UK and is currently checking out the new Vampire Weekend album on Spotify, I take umbrage to all of this rampant speculation.

(I mean it's not like I even know what CMJ is.)

It don't matter what you listen to. It's how you dress.

Right now I am saying Fuck You to February with a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

Haters gon' hate.

Down with pseudo-feminist poseur dilettante running dog farmers of the phallocracy*!

*commas are tools of the oppressor, and are to be spurned. Oh dammit.

holy shit you must have actually talked to Mt. Holyoke alumni..
and possibly worn their massive boots.

Is the girl at the next stall hot?

dilemma solved!

Yes, but she probably has hygiene practices that would render this point inadvisable to pursue. Also, her boyfriend is a loser of a caliber that you cannot possibly attempt to achieve. I don't care if you do play Ultimate professionally this guy is worse than you and that is what she is attracted to.

50:50 chance whether she thinks that all sex is rape or is actually wild, amazing, and almost constantly horny.

I don't think those are mutually exclusive

that is a chance that I am prepared to take.

I have a whole month right now where I don't have to do anything. At all. The government is giving me money to hang around for a month. Am I enough of a loser?

sounds more like you're a senator.

new in 2010: political satire!

Model 1913-Cavalry: Patton Saber
[IMGS OFF]

If you're a rugby player we'd probably pay you to come here for 6 months.....and you'd get to beat up a few aussies for free!

Oh, thank God. My uncontrollably violent hatred for people from Australia was about to break the bank!

Hello? Hello?! Put me through to R. J. Tuttlewhucker Cottonlynch III

Operator? J. W. Menelaus Pinkerton-Smythworthy Jr. at once!

I'm pleased that there's no huge funny name thread dangling off of here.

I'm glad too; I kind of just wanted to bang one out and leave it at that. A lesser class of internetters would've followed suit after two or three. For the record I'm on the cusp of the lesser class.

Would you prefer me to write a small essay on the life and times of RJTC the 3rd, to give my joke more depth? Critics these days. No appreciation.

::jabs finger into own chest:: "LESSER CLASS."

I'm sure there's a drinking game in this, for those of you for whom the Texas telephone operators are a local call.

I try to think on aisle Brain as much as possible.

Walmart shoppers, there's no waiting on aisle Brain.

I don't know what that means

When i heard "aisle brain" i thought "cleanup on aisle brain" but then i realized that sounds like its after a pretty messy suicide

a messy suicide in a pretty amazing aisle, nonetheless.

A pretty amazing suicide?

Heheh! Classic Daffy.

Also if I remember correctly he won the magician competition with Bugs because of that amazing suicide, so let's say the good outweighs the bad.

See the full clip Here

Yes, in 1957 it was fun to see your favorite cartoon characters commit suicide.

'57: Rocking Rough Chuckles with Friz Freleng.

My stupid obsession with details tells me that that's a pretty late "Looney Tunes" short. Like even past the Mugsy shorts.

Bah, it could still be fun to see my favorite human actors commit an astounding act of suicide. David Lynch, Christopher Walken, David Cronenberg, Steve Buscemi... these guys would bring a suicide that you'd never forget.

Terry Gilliam regrets that his suicide is no longer on schedule and has run well over budget. Johhny Depp was supposed to appear as his kaishakunin, but has now been forced to bow out due to a previous commitment.

Cronenberg's suicide definitely one of the stranger ones.

I always loved that browny-greeny-gold colour that was used to portray gas. I remember it most vividly in The Flying Bear (actually an MGM cartoon, whoops).

im going to try and replace hipster with "cutie-ass urban hillbilly" in my personal vocabulary. yet another turn of phrase from ontrad that gives my soul a raging hard-on.

A long time ago in a middle school science fair one of my friends grew plants in different rooms with different genres of music playing nonstop. He found that it actually makes a difference. Classical was the best for making small flowers grow, and rap was the worst.

Of course, like any middle school science fair experiment, it was designed horribly. There were several variables he didn't control, such as sunlight, humidity, and et cetera.

Classical has, apparently, shown to be helpful to plant growth in a number of studies, most of which list hip hop or heavy metal as the worst.

However, I think at least one Scandinavian study has found the opposite, that plants love them some Pantera.

I suspect it has something to do with what sort of music the researchers like or consider worthy.

It would appear that perhaps deep bass may have an effect on plant growth in some manner, but I doubt anyone actually bothered to look at any legitimate reasons to explain their findings.

I think it's pretty intuitive that the less intense the music, the better. Volume tests with the same music, I assume, would probably prove it. But I'm an English major, what do I know.

Not enough to know better than to major in English, obviously.

Buuuurrn.

I was gonna say that AHAHAHA.

But let's get serious here. I'm happy with my major and would not have been as happy with any other. So fuck you, resident eternal pessimist. You can't kill my dreams. Only the real world can do that.

Don't worry. It will.

noooooooooooooooooooo

Quote:
Lyle has many skills. And hammers.
KAK!

But I'm only twenty!

Yeah, yeah, I know.
I had a look at your profile and almost mentioned that you had another decade or so, but it would probably have sounded resentful, however I'd phrased it.

You young FUCK!

(see?)

I don't mind being twenty; my soul isn't completely crushed yet and old people envy youth. It's good for your ego knowing someone is jealous of you, and not just most of Africa and Southeast Asia.

Believe it or not, I wouldn't go back if I could. Ask me again when I'm forty.

That was my attitude at 40 and it will be at 60.
Jesus, 20, the angst, the Ignorance


The ride, she keeps getting smoother.

Well, I imagine that when I'm forty I'll probably wish I was thirty. Things are pretty sweet now that I have it all figured out.

Yeah, but twenty - no. Never. What a dumb age.

I feel like if I was 17 and you said that I would resent it but I can't, really. I am pretty dumb.

I'm not saying you're dumb. But that is a dumb age.

Listen: I am pretty dumb. Not as dumb as most people, but I have some dumbness. It's nature.

Wait till you're thirty. You'll be a fuckin' genius. Guaranteed.

It has been my experience that you continue to marvel at how astoundingly fucking dumb you were when you were younger. When I was twenty I was amazed at some of the dumb moves I pulled when I was seventeen and at twenty-five I was incapable of understanding why I did such idiotic things at twenty.

Realizing that this is a continual cycle and that you are just as fucking dumb right now, that you will look back on this and curse yourself from the future, is what we really mean by wisdom.

I have the maturity and insight to regret typing this even as I do so.

What if you do absolutely nothing at certain ages? Do you just regret the nothingness? I think I can marvel at my present self in this regard.

What I've found to be true (through my limited experience), is that dumb has no age. For every punk-ass kid, there is an adult of equal neck-wringing vapidity. Same with awesomeness. There are rad people on both sides of the equation, and there are likewise, on both sides, people who increase the levels of worldsuck just by existing. The worst thing to do is to regret stupid things and blame them on youth. The truly wise can do stupid shit, and ENJOY IT.
Anyway, that's my tuppence.

Oh, I'm not trying to generalize. All I know is that I was a moron at twenty. I mean, I was decent to folks. I wasn't bad. Just not too bright.

Man, I have that 'look back in embarrassment' thing for shit I did last month, let alone when I was 20.

It's a neverending cycle, but if it was based on reality, I should be much smarter and more capable by this stage...

I might get dumber, at this rate.

FUCK ANGST.

Watching this exchange go back and forth between a young Salinger and a man who complains that all his friends are dead is just... just a little too perfect.

It's a welcome change of pace/avicon for me. Being a chicken-abusing cat for a few years is great, but nothing packs a punch like a black and white picture of a famous person.

Who's complaining? They were all freeloaders anyway....


Sorry, Mark, that's just a cheap chuckle, and in no way true. R.I.P., bro.

[,,,]

How is that intuitive? If plants grown with music playing grow faster than those in silence, then it would be logical to assume that the louder the music the faster the growth. I'm not saying that it would be true, but it would be a reasonable assumption to go on until further evidence presented itself.

I'm just saying, the more intense music harms it and the softer music doesn't. When they say classical, I'm not sure if they mean actually Classical or just "old piano and violin stuff." Either way, nothing produced before the mid 20th century can compare in terms of intensity except maybe, I don't know, The Rite of Spring or New World, which aren't classical anyway. Regardless, the more intense music harms it, the softer helps it, so wouldn't silence at least be better than intense music? That's why it seems intuitive to me.

Yes, that's the question: are we talking about the effects of music specifically, or sound in general? One could hypothesize any number of explanations for the latter, but I for one can think of none for the former.

Rhythmic sound might have some effect on pumping mechanisms, perhaps, giving music an advantage over white noise.

Or pink noise, or blue noise, or brown noise.

Why is this discussion still going on? I thought that we had established that the scientists who conduct experiments to determine which "genres" of music are most beneficial to plant growth, aren't really scientists at all; just losers with too much time wanting to justify their opinion of music.

Technically, I'm both.

Noise and music, or a scientist and a loser?

"Shyeah, like soil matters."

Exacto, JD.

I knew some agronomists in college who got quite upset if you called it "dirt". I'm kind of afraid of anyone who decides to spend their life devoted to soil.

coprophilia

As one who is forced to live in Texas against my will, I will say that Ray's idea about our names was based solely from the time he decided to read a Cormack McCarthy novel.

Are you saying something bad about Texas, friendo?

Unless your definition of Texas includes the areas directly between Louisiana and Dallas, no. I was simply saying that we don't have as many people here who are named Ona Mae Huggins and Jesse William Brody anymore.

and the world is poorer for it

I was really going (stretching) on the Cormack McCarthy side. And if you want to see the hillbilly zone, head on down to southeast Texas. If you pass Snyder, say howdy to my inbred relations.

I grew up in Houston, so I know exactly what you mean. This is all too common:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gT2ODDWC1Q

I realize that ultimately it's Onstad's writing that defines the characters, but that name in panel 3 really just strikes me as trying way too hard. For some reason it really sapped a lot of my enthusiasm. The previous strip felt a lot more like authentic Ray than this one.

I agree with you. I'm not feeling this strip that much. It feels forced to me. Perhaps if it was shorter and more potent.

wow. awesome use of the grandfather of "that's what she said". Chubby

Eh, eccentric speech was one of the reasons I thought Achewood was so great in the first place, but the past year and a half of this strip has been as much about deciphering as reading.

Also, I don't know if there have been as many quotable phrases in the recent months. It's been a lot about pop culture references and name dropping. There are no names in "Do you think it is rad to have alcoholism"

you're such a downer.

free-standing asshole

"Catholic-strategy falseprophet"? Either an oxymoron, or true, in re: Catholic strategy and false prophets.

Speaking of Catholic strategy, the Jesuits have a saying: "It is easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission."

the pop culture references get better when you end them with "cha cha", dennis miller taught me that.

the next morning, he was g o n e . . .

I think high school graduation should require the diagramming of sentences found in Achewood.

Little known fact: the top Whole Foods guy is a gigantic douchebag.

Actually, I believe that's a widely known fact.

Do you think it is rad to want other people's money.

the most widely known fact: people who make a lot of money generally are gigantic douchebags, eventually, about something, and not everyone lives in some kind of portland utopia where we can shop at farmer's markets and laugh at the heartland, so let me eat my whole grain puffed millet stars in peace, i accept that everything i buy lines the pockets of some total jag-off

So you think it's rad then.

Correct.

Whoa, man. I mean, man. Whoa.

this statement leaves me feeling slightly empty, and will for as long as I lack a flowing Grecian beard.

i think i'd like to try to buy organic foods when i have the money just to keep my daughters from hitting puberty at 7. that's just me though

I'm sure there's a homeopathic remedy you could use instead.

Aaah! I just got an unwanted chubby!!

...Mom?

That's exactly what acthung is afraid will happen to his daughters if he doesn't feed them organic food.

Even an organic potato that's not been instilled with a moral code can be a bad influence.

yeah but a potato that's been distilled with no moral code will make you NOT afraid of the fucking police now!

Assetbar these days? Mostly puns.

Vodka made from Death Metal potatoes?

Is worst mashup.

Wrought from worst still.

The Cat has become so enraged at the provisions Mogul that a Martini was sacrificed to the crossfire.

Oh god, Ray is making this a thing. Do not make this a thing, Ray.

you're 3v1 as a half-health taric. coming at you is a yi and a sion, ult is on CD you have flash and ghost. ghost is on CD so is your ult. what do you do?

think

I shine.

This goes for Trader Joe's too.

Nah, everybody knows Trader Joe's is bullshit. Almost everything they sell is prepared foods. It's for lazy people who don't want to cook, but want to pretend that they're the kind of people who actually care about food.

They do, however, actually have pretty good prices on some things.

Belgand, you better not be hating on the Trader Joes Spiced Chai Latte mix.

Because if you do, I will find you.

he will enjoy being killed?

Hey, I shop at Trader Joe's for some things. I will, however, have to draw the line at trying any sort of Chai mix. Sorry, but I'm a tea snob and I'm not going to drink any chai concentrate or mix. I fucking love well-made chai.

Trader Joe's has great prices on cheeses, olive oil, some beers, some wines, and their glorious Tomato Soup with Fire Roasted Red Pepper. There is no need to be a snob. I rarely eat prepared food and Trader Joe is my homefellow.

Trader Joe's chicken sausages really tickle my pickle, if you know what I mean.

I also enjoy the sushi they sell there.

If by tickle your pickle you mean caress your penis then yes I know exactly what you mean.

Are you

>implying

That I have had sexual relations with Trader Joe's Chicken Sausages?

Damn, you figured out the secret behind my secret sauce.

Really? I'm more upset by how fucking hard it is to find proper pork sausage. I mean, they barely even carry it. I don't think I've seen a single breakfast establishment nearby that even offers it. Just that bullshit chicken-apple crap.

I eat prepared foods with some frequency, and I am snobby about those prepared foods.

Mostly it is just horseradish hummus, though. I had a pesto chicken salad one time from Trader Joe's that I obsessed over days after it was gone. The same thing actually happened with some Whole Food's Indian-inspired chicken salad.

The strangest thing is, had you asked me yesterday if I liked chicken salad, I would've definitely said no. Assetbar has brought up cold salad demons I thought I had long suppressed.

I had some Trader Joe's risotto yesterday that pretty much blew away any expensive risotto dish I'd ever ordered at any nice restaurant.

Then again, I was raised on Big Macs and Slurpees.

I have a carton of that soup on my shelf and some of their cheese in my fridge. No, it's not the good stuff from the cheese shop up the street, but it's fairly decent for the price.

I also have a bottle of that cheap olive oil sitting next to the stove as my go-to. Yeah, I can get some amazing locally-grown stuff, but sometimes I just need to saute or marinate something and just want something cheap.

I finally just read this reply. Your TJ's products and thoughts on the subject are exactly the same as mine. This serves to make your earlier claim that TJ's is bullshit even more mystifying.

Eh, I shop there, but the only things they really do well are dairy, pantry items, and prepared foods. Oh and they carry some fairly good packaged bread, but it'll go bad on you within a day or so. I can't count the number of times I've tried to buy pitas there only to find that the expiration date is tomorrow on everything.

Belgand is a tease-knob.

>Implying

Well, it's largely true.

I'd correct the many specific errors in your assessment, but that's actually kind of the point.

Belgand actually finds people without strong, definite opinions to be astoundingly hard to deal with.

one time somebody gave belgand a Quarter Pounder, but he scoffed, hoisted himself by his own suspenders, and said he only eats Royales With Cheese as prepared by artisans.

At the instant of the word 'artisan' he gestured at himself using his thumbs, indicating that he was only willing to eat a minced beef sandwich made with his own two hands.

The minced hands sandwich is difficult to eat, and you only get one try, but Belgand will attempt it for us.

with/from

No grocery store cheese.

Spitalfield: a local band I used to like in middle school

Spitalfields: a market in London which I tend to confuse with Smithfield market (Smithfield being the magical place where pubs open at five in the morning and ox kidney costs fifty pence a pound).

Spitalfields market in London: used to house a skatepark that I would go to after school in the early 90's.

Spitalfields: I have taken photographs of all sides of many, many buildings and constructs in London, which unfortunately did not include this market.

Spitalfields: I fucked her.

Have you been stopped by the police for taking pictures of buildings? I've heard that's a Thing now in London.

Colons: Why didn't you use one?

You: Fuck.

Actually, I was stopped many times, but more often by [insert building name] security guards and Police Community Support Officers (read: "over-zealous and misinformed civilians with little to no training") than actual police. I did once get interviewed by the Met's Counter-Terrorism Unit after having attempted to photograph a building near Victoria which apparently had some significant connection to the Gov't (not that it bore any external signs that would indicate as such). My experience of encounters with the Police was that they were very patient, understanding, and aware that by simply photographing the exterior facades of buildings from public property (i.e. roads and pavements) I was not committing any crimes%u2014at least not when these buildings were not considered for whatever reason to be sensitive or likely targets for terrorist attacks. Security guards would assume the worst of you until convinced otherwise, and the PCSOs, bless them, were only trying to do their jobs.

This was maybe 2-4 years ago now, though, and I no longer live in the capital, so for all I know it may now be illegal to take pictures of buildings at all.

("%u2014" is assetbar-ese for "em dash").

hey does it ever get weird to see something that's a pound a pound? cause that seems like it would be weird to me

I saw that once, and it got pretty weird. I don't really want to talk about it.
To be honest, in any butcher's window or costermonger's stall context (which are the only places that still use imperial with any regularity), the price would usually be written "1(pound sign)/lb" so the problem doesn't really arise.

I was under the impression that the currency sign came before the number.

You are right. What an idiotic boob I am.

Soft and riddled with those big veins. By the nipple a single, almost impossibly dark hair grows.

BY THE NIPPLE!

the tip of the nipple opens into a mouth, and says

durr

I buy the girl.

Damn, son - do you know how much a corn-fed cutie ass urban hillbilly fetches on the open market these days? That's some expensive tastes right there.

Nothing.

This is a trick question because this girl will shun corn as much as humanly possible.

Someone clearly didn't read The Omnivore's Dilemma or watch King Corn. Hipster fail is the worst kind of fail.

You can't shun corn if it's everywhere.

That just makes it easier to shun!


Think about it.

Last one I met cost about as much as a Fever Ray CD, an iced double double heavy froth, two quaaludes, and twelve feet of rope. Less than fifty bucks in most markets.

Sounds like you got her at cost. You're working the supply end there, not the demand end.

I'm not. I would totally let hedonismbot work both ends if he has that capability.

It's been a while since my last hardware upgrade, but I am extremely flexible.

The mention of quaaludes would appear to indicate that quite some time has passed since this was last initiated.

I agree that the name was weak, but I still got brought the chuckles. Capped by the alt-text. Hee.

The farmers market one block from my apartment mainly sells organic produce, at a little less the price of the supermarket, plus they take food stamps. Is that wrong, buying organic produce with food stamps? Consider I am unemployed (not getting unemployment) I think its fine. No hypocrisy, just good eats.

plus, think of all the extra protein!

call up Food Network and see if you can get air time for a no-budget cooking show.

(the "see if you can" is superfluous; Food Network will air a show as long as the host smiles enough.)

What would you call it? "Food on No Budget?" "Government Eats?"

Not being snarky, btw, I've had to take the food stamps before as well.

FOOD STAMP OF APPROVAL

Been there.
Foodstamps: guaranteed 100% less snark, your full daily requirement of humble pie each and every meal.

i was raised on the gov't teat. public housing is nice when you dont have any other option, but it feels way good to get your meat/taters/etc with your own effort.

Hell no, you have presumably paid into that system, you can use it for what you want, and it is a sad and well-known fact (based anyhow on my observations at the grocery store) that most people on food stamps use it to buy totaly crap.

youre starting to sound like someone from militiagan.

I do not understand panel 7 whatsoever, can someone explain it to me.
What was it that the Whole Foods guy could possibly have said after panel 6 to provoke Ray's response.

"Are you trying to claim that our Sustainable Diversity Representatives don't already visit our suppliers and read their crops the Whole Foods Ethical Customer Pledge once a week? Because that's what we do and claiming otherwise is just a huge waste of everyone's time."
You have to imagine that that the chief guy of wholefoods is a sort of Texan Pat.

I bet people would pay even more for a potato that they watched grow on it's own Youtube channel.

Incidentally, the average Youtube commentator has exactly the same intelligence quotient as your average root vegetable

Your average Assetbarbican has the intelligence of AT LEAST a head of arugula.

Two bags of arugula. One, mawked to. The other, plummeted. A pretty large succession of indie musicians is watching. Which do you buy? Think.

note the cocky eyebrow-raise the Mawked Arugula sports, in merry defiance of societal norms.

Hmmm. well executed animation or half-assed imitation... hard to choose :)

well, excuuuuuUUUUUUUUuuuuse me!

>FUCK YOU

in your dreams!

TG's not the one who's stolen her image and plastered it on this board as well as a bouquet of tasty looking herbiage. I bet you even have her picture on your 'fridge.

and in that fridge, I bet you have some arugula.

and on that arugula, i bet there's a caterpilla.

r

and on that caterpillar, I bet there's a teeny-tiny pair of white-rimmed shades, with rainbows reflected in the lenses.

...You lost me.

You've been lost in lust for weeks.

I was?!