This is definitely easier and more profitable than COMPUTER FRO-GRAMMING.

I don't know what disturbs me more, that you took the time to find that picture or that someone out there decided to take a picture of a laptop with a fright wig on it.

i think it all might be down to one man

A little from Column A, a little from Column B. But I don't think that's a fright wig, you little racist man, you. Hehe.

Are you senile, or are you just trying to stall us?

I was wondering about this too... Is it that $6 is the six hundo equivalent for little kids, or is $6 the amount Ray gives for small moments of happiness? We can only wait and see.

Perhaps it's a sign that next year...he'll be six.

I play Fallout 3 as well. (Or 'aswell'?).

well said my good man, well said

I think that $6 is the $600 equivalent for little kids, I recall quarters being worth a fortune when I was that age. $6 could get you endless candy.

Times moves slower when you're a kid. That bag of candy that might last a week for an adult if they're lucky and don't have a girlfriend who will eat half of it is a fucking hoard for a kid.

Yes on both.

yes, belgand, they're all liars. everyone's lying.

Admit it, the emperor has no depth! Magic Eye was a sham!

Please visit your optometrist. He will offer quite a convincing lie to quell the symptoms arising from the other lies. It's a tidy lie package.

Since I already wear glasses if he hasn't already addressed this I fear he may have been lying to me about other things all along. At the very least he's doing a shoddy job and his backside should feel the sting of hickory.

As opposed to <i>along</i> his backside?

I see we have an HTML programmer.

No. What you see is abject failure twice.

As opposed to up his backside?

No wonder. I've been doing it tangent to his backside.

dangit.

N00B!!

When will people learn that BBCode is by far the most powerful and efficient programming language of all?

when Comic Sans becomes The Standard.

It's more of a pidgin than a language. Pig-latin, if you will. Or won't.

Do you actually believe this? Be honest, please. IT is definitely a real phenomenon. You can give a bunch of people the same stereogram and ask them--without allowing them to communicate--to write down what they see, and most of the ones who know how to figure it out--assuming the picture isn't too complicated--will write down the same answer. I promise you this.

You have to unfocus your eyes. I am a master of these. You can do it if you cross your eyes, but the image is reversed.

Agreed. This film provides 100% of the daily recommended value of Cheesy Goodness, Fun Times, and Zippy One-Liners.

Exactly like that.

Only I can see the lack of hidden messages in Magic Eye and it gives me power. I know the true secrets of reality as a result.

I'm all outa bubblegum.

Your explanation is really good, but I've never been able to do this and I still can't. I used to believe folks were making it up, much like Belgand does. But I also used to believe that shooting stars were imaginary. I still haven't seen one of those either, but enough trustworthy - and considerably less drug-addled - people have, and so now I just trust them blindly.

Wait wait wait...is it.....is it a 1967 Lamborghini Miura Roadster...with....Ronald William Gordon Mackay....and..and a younger, hotter version of my maternal grand...father?....no, mother - definitely maternal grandmother......mainlining..."angel dust"....blasting.....chubby Belinda Carlisle-era Go-Gos.....tearing down interstate....15 south outta Conrad, Montana.....on a mission to....murder my.....father?....no, no definitely the pool boy....before I can be..............conceived?

No. Wait. No. It's a carrot. Duh.

Haha.
I recommend just getting used to unfocusing your eyes. Make it less of an automatic thing. Notice how only things a certain distance from your eyes are in single-vision; everything else is in double vision to some extent, and the closer to your eyes it is, the more pronounced and obvious it is.

If you practice enough, you can unfocus your eyes on will, like a muscle.

Or, just cross your eyes when you look at these things. This is easier for beginners, only it's inverse, and blurry. And your brain may not be able to undwrstand what it's looking at just yet, but it will recognize differences in depth. With practice, it will percieve the image instantly.

Unfortunately people with poor stereo-scopic vision (lazy, lazy eyes) will have serious trouble with this. My neuropsych tutor used to give me shit about it, especially the experiments with the 3-D glasses. Bastard.

I actually know exactly how they work and, in theory, how to get them to work. I'm kind of distressed that SJE was so gullible to think I really believed it a conspiracy.

Interestingly I saw Coraline (pretty good, not great, I'd say see it in theaters to see the 3D while you can, but don't worry if you miss it) the other night and I had trouble with the 3D. Oh, it worked most of the time, but fast motion would blur it out too much and sometimes I had trouble and would basically see the depth,but flatten it out a bit.

So it might honestly be that it really is an issue with my eyes more than anything. I always passed my eye tests as a kid though....

The 3D in Coraline worked better in the outdoor scenes, IMO.

The tunnel worked very well as did the establishing shots of the rooms in the other world. It worked better when it implied depth into the screen, not out of it.

I didn't really care that much if you were telling the truth or not. I saw the opportunity to teach about one of the very few things I know, and I took it.

I'm thinking that possibly you could be colorblind. I think they test for that for children though. Either this, or you have a lazy eye, or you have only one eye. These are the only things I can think of that could cause you to not see it sensory-wise. The problem with most people though is simply the perception; that is, the brain.

None of the above. I see colors fine (a friend of mine is colorblind, I know the difference), my eyes are definitely not lazy, and last time I checked I had all three of them.

It's definitely the brain. I'm usually rather good at being able to ignore optical illusions if I choose to. Not always, but many times I can see things two ways at once.

The one that always gets me though is
[IMGS OFF]

I can swap it, but it's very compelling.

I don't know what this is supposed to be, besides a girl who is spinning in circles and sort of bobbing up and down.

Please help.

IF you're like me, she is spinning clockwise. To other people she is spinning counter-clockwise. You can teach yourself to change what direction she is spinning in.

Staring at the shadows helps me.

I hate this.
I originally only saw it going counter-clockwise. Then I turned my laptop around and looked at it upsidedown, and then I saw could see it going clockwise.

Now I can't see it going counter-clockwise again.
I hate things like this.
I am stupid.

It's really difficult and frustrating. I don't think it shows poor intelligence or weak will if you can't do it at will. I have a lot of trouble with it and get frustrated too.

Yeah, I believe it has absolutely nothing to do with right brain/left brain sort of things, but I find it an utterly compelling and interesting illusion.

It is so annoying and weird when you do make the switch and then can't seem to get it to go back. I mean, just a second ago you couldn't fathom how it could ever go the other way and now you're locked into a new direction.

Oh god, I was trying it again and I found that if I was looking at it out of the corner of my eye I could make it swap easily, but the second I looked back at it it was like she knew what I was doing and turned back to the way I was initially seeing it. Crazy.

I all I see is that she's naked, and nippin.

i call bullshit.

i stared for over a minute and it switched. initially she is doing her thing on her left leg.. then she switched to her right leg.

it's a hoax. on her left / counterclockwise. on her right / clockwise.

there's nothing mystifying about this unless your fucking dildo.

"..you'RE A.."

Oh God, I stared too long and now her arm is going one way, her leg is going the other, and her chest is bouncing back and forth.

Dear Belgand,

You are no longer a kid. Eyes change. Usually for the worse.

Regards,
The International Optometry Association.

True, but I'm usually also at the optometrist every few years to get my prescription updated as needed. The last time when they did that thing where they puff air into your eye and take a picture of it was fascinating.

I had this exact same problem with Coraline, and I can't see Magic Eye pictures either. I can, however, read highway signs from alarmingly far distances.

Also, I loved Coraline. I don't think that the story was very complete, but it was visually fantastic, 3D or no 3D.

Oddly I felt it looked a lot more like 3D than stop-motion. Especially compared to Nightmare Before Christmas. I think it was the character design. In this things tended to be a lot more grounded and the models were typically much smoother. It was odd.

I was thinking that it, in a way, makes sense to do stop-motion in 3D as we're looking at a physical object and this could better represent its 3D nature compared to 2D animation.

I was impressed with Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3D. I'm not sure I would have been impressed with the 2D version.

I highly recommend putting the glasses on either upside down or backwards. One way (I don't remember which) does stuff like make someone standing in front of a wall look like they're farther away than the wall is. It's a very strange effect. Basically your eyes and brain have a fight.

Hello, Nolan from the Internet?

The question is: hitch, bang, or kill?

(H)itch, (B)ang...or (M)urder???

Sixth graders will mainly fall under bang and kill or usually both in one order or another. No hitchin', though. That's unnatural.

Whoa. For the first time ever I was able to get it to work perfectly. I feel like a whole new world of poster enjoyment has opened before me, like my Doors of Perception are finally cleansed and I can see God's face again. My love for the world is wild and pure. I want to write you a check for six dollars.

Looking at these tend to put me in a relaxed mood.

I can't go walleyed so your "Hi Belgand!" appears indented rather than popping out as I assume it is meant to.

It's not going wall-eyed. What do you mean indented?

It looks poppy-outy to me. Weird, I usually can't do these with my glasses on.

Bizarre, I have always seen these things as being indented. It has never even occurred to me that they might pop out. Armed with that knowledge, I tried again, and it's still definitely indented.

i don't think it matters much. you must just see a glass instead of two ladies. etc.

It just depend if you go cross-eyed or walleyed.

If we mark 2 objects A and B, then cross-eyed = left eye sees B, right eye sees A. Wall-eyed is the opposite. Due to the way depth perception works, the "3d" effect will be reversed depending which you do.

To get cross-eyed, just put your finger (or something) between your face and the screen, and focus on it. Then go back to the screen without re-aiming your eyes, and if it's a pattern like this one you can get it clear without uncrossing your eyes.

On the other hand, to do it walleyed, go close to the screen (maybe 10-20 cm) and unfocus from it, maybe blink a few times. Your eyes should uncross, and if you're focussed on this kind of pattern you can see it the other way.

At least that's what works for me.

I did it once. I was happy.

This is good.

sje, are you familiar with "stereo images"? Click http://artbytheo.deviantart.com/art/Stand-Stereo-107295477 for a pretty good one (you'll need to click the image for full-size view). Basically you kind of cross your eyes until the images are aligned and then unfocus, and the two images become one and it looks 3-D and really cool.

http://www.starosta.com/3dshowcase/ihelp.html page explains it better.

dude those are so fucking rad. i have a new second favorite art form and it is that.

I was so afraid that that first link was a screamer (you know, like those Youtube videos that you stare at, and then some face suddenly pops up). I don't think even my eyes can diverge that far, unless I zoom out/take a few steps back.
Stereo images are the same concept as random-dots. They are pretty rad, though.

Agreed: rad

The message reads "Hi Belgand"

What I do to is kind of bug out my eyes for a split second, then relax them. Anyone can do it.

It's easy for me, so it must be this easy for everyone!

I'm just tryin not to sound superior, you know? Next time I'll just go on about how exceptional I am for being able to do this. Would that be all right?

I almost went with "Hi, douchebag!", but then I decided to be boring. I think I made the wrong decision.

All I see is green. No matter how unfocused my eyes get, it's green.

Oh your fucking gods after going on about this and making even further posts that one actually worked for me. It had, truth be told sadly, nothing to do with what SJE said, but I still saw it. That is, it had an obvious illusion of depth, but I couldn't quite make out what it was saying.

Bravo young sir, you have succeeded finally.

That is, of course, unless this was somehow concocted specifically in an attempt to prove to me that the other ones are actually real. This is probably just part of the conspiracy designed to silence those who speak out about it.

YOUR CUNNING RUSE SHALL NOT WORK!!

It is so cool when it "pops". All of a sudden it's like you are seeing the reality behind the illusion that the people call reality. The curtain has been pulled back, and there really is "something" there!
Something that you have suspected all along but could never justify since "that's just crazy." But there it is and it's real. You don't have to justify it - you are looking at it! What a rush.

OK now who wants some blotter? :D

There doesn't need to be an illusion. Look at contemporary physics. Reality is far more weird and terrifying than anything we could ever hope to invent.

If you're not filled with existential dread and true, fear-inspiring awe every moment of your life then you're not comprehending everything yet.

Belgand is filled with Old Testament existential dread and true, fear-inspiring awe every moment of his life.

Voted Assetbar's most likely to flip his screaming wighat at some near existential point in the future.

Yeah, I think if any of us were to go o a screaming machine-gun rampage, it would definitely be Belgand. He just seems so . .. unstable. And I wonder if us talking about him is making it worse?

Dude! Look behind you, he's... right... there!

Yeah, I know what you mean. Not going to happen though. I can't see any way in which that wouldn't make my life a lot worse and fail to solve my problems. Not the logical solution to anything ever.

Belgand is at least trying to solve his problems, while struggling with all his might to keep from being swept down Existentialism's Universal, Dreadful Toilet of Losers.

This is not only commendable, it is possibly even heroic.

GOOD glubLUCK, glubBELGAND!!!!

it's not a boat, it's a schooner

sje46, The Defender of the Magic Eye. Question not his powers. It is his mission in life to give every Achewood Reader the chance to escape Hell. So it has been said, and so it shall come to pass or some such and so on etc etc etc.

Incidentally, I can't see the fuckers either.

It is so awesome that people are replying to this.

Not really.

"That guy just said Magic Eye posters were a conspiracy. I'm going to type out a paragraph showing him the error of his ways and change his mind over the internet."

No one thought for a second that he might just be fucking with them. That kind of optimism and naivete in this day and age are beautiful.

Why would anyone lie to me? Belgand's my friend!

Besides, I like explaining things to people, even if they don't need it.

And that is why I lie to you. Don't feel special though. I lie to everyone for these purposes. Deliberately misinforming my girlfriend until she finally believes outrageous lies is a common pasttime of mine.

My boyfriend does this. When I caught onto his game I stopped believing EVERYTHING he said. Google and wikipedia are now a regular part of our conversations.

Don't let this happen to you.

When you start typing "IS MY DICK GOOD" into Google you you know it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.

When Belgand says that he does like/believe in something, he is never joking.

*does not

belgand never jokes. he is never, ever joking.

Generally true, but not in this case, for once. I know they're not a conspiracy, but I still can't see the damn things. I was thinking, and I have no reason why, that perhaps a period of time that will not be discussed for it would make me upset having passed would cause me to be able to do them in a way I couldn't at the time they were popular. It has not been so.

Incidentally, if we really want to place proper blame it was watching the episode of Seinfeld that deals with this the other night that got me on the topic.

And the movie Mallrats covered it as well.

Don't you dare presuppose that I don't know that.

Some of us saw Mallrats in theaters young'in.

Some of us think that Kevin Smith is a hack who peaked at Clerks.

That some of us is me!

But do you agree that Clerks is a good movie?

I love Clerks, but past that I'm not a K.S. fan. I want to see Zack and Miri but because of Seth Rogen and Craig Robinson.

I think I hate you even more now.

You are seeing that movie for all the wrong reasons.

Superbad was fun, but in the tradition of a long line of 80s teen comedies. The other Judd Apatow stuff? Horrible! Some of the worst movies ever made! It's mainly his message though. Look at both 30 Year-Old Virgin (mildly amusing in places) and the execrable Knocked Up and you see the same viewpoint being espoused: guys need to stop doing the things that they enjoy and make them happy so they can have a dull, mainstream relationship with a bland, shallow, popular-mainstream-attractive sort of woman and get married to her.

It's essentially nothing but a terrible morality play for social conformity that tells men that they're wrong and says nothing about the terrible women.

Not to mention how I'd never want anything to do with the shallow, careerist loser in Knocked Up with her horrible job. She's made out to be successful and pretty and great, but I loathe just about everything about her.

OK, sorry, that was a completely uncalled for rant, but you tapped deeply into my angry place.

I liked Zack and Miri. It was funny even if the central sex scene was really weird and betraying Smith's more recently dominant desires to make terrible romantic comedies.

I know what to put into your room 101.

Not really. I will never reveal my deepest fears to you or anyone else. They will inevitably use it against me or let it slip to someone who will.

I cannot trust someone to the point that I would willfully give them that power over me.

What? You have even deeper fears than just your quaking, existential dread of living?

You're really taking being scared a bit far. I think you enjoy it.

It's not the falling that's the problem (actually, that is pretty damn scary), it's the sudden stop at the end.

There is no stop at the end.

ALLLL ABOARDDDDDDD!!!

What about the heat-death of the universe?

So what about it? You're getting ahead of yourself just a tad, no?

Perhaps, but I'm saying that even if you want to say that there is no end of the line you're eventually going to run out of track.

The UNIVERSE IS GOING TO END IN 10 BILLION I - YEARS. DON'T WAIT TIL THE LAST MINUTE! REPENT NOW!

I just don't see how any rational being can fail to be reduced to gibbering terror by that concept.

Do you secretly believe you're immortal, yet put on an existentialist front? Why would you possibly care?

Maybe we all are living in gibbering terror at the concept.
Did you ever watch that TV series, Shogun? With Toshiro Mifune and Richard Chamberlain? Early on in the show, the Pilot/Anjin-san's crew are shipwrecked on the shore of a Japanese island. This is, like the 16th century.
The prospect of their ship demolished in an unknown, barbaric (in their view) land is enough for one of the crew to begin gibbering into a panic until he literally strokes out on fear and dies. Humans are actually capable of this type of emotional override of life function. I find that strange.

Heat death of the universe? I don't really feel terror, but it's incredibly depressing. OTOH, something caused the big bang, and if it happened once, it can happen again.

I can't feature you guys getting bummed over the end of the universe. But, it's a pretty cool universe, after all.

I guess....after only 5 billion years....
We've grown accustomed to her face...

(She almost makes the day begin)

I've grown accustomed to the tune
that she whistles night and noon.
Her smiles, her frowns,
her ups, her downs

Are second nature to me now....

I'm a Seth Rogen fan but even I hated Knocked Up.

I didn't realize you hated me enough to hate me more though. That makes me kind of sad.

I disagree with some opinions that you have, belgand.

We all do, that pretty much a constant

It's like the one rule we have here.

Also, off topic, but apparently Spinynorman posts on the AV Club comment board! I saw him yesterday but sadly my username there is not the same as my user name here.

Ironically he didn't post anything funny or long winded, he just said how he enjoyed the show Dinosaurs.

That's pretty funny.
Also, I like to use other Assetbarbarians' names as accounts on other sites.

YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU RUINED MY STANDING ON THISIS50.COM

Because of you, I now know that THISIS50 exists.

Unfortunately, even there you must "become a member to access exclusive content"

But that could be said for anyone. Everyone will disagree with some opinions that someone else has.

Practicing unfocusing your eyes strike me as about as useful as practicing unclenching your sphincter. I am also convinced that the 3D image thing is a lie, just like fireflies.

Unfocusing your eyes is useful for stereograms, and unclenching your sphincter is useful for pooping.
I suppose one of these is more important than the other, but which one is more fun?

Practicing clenching and unclenching your sphincter is about as useful as practicing subverting your gag reflex.

This is gold.

as a whiny man i hate you

I like you conceptually, but not so much in practice.

You are a man of capacity and it is Chubbytown on your horizon.

Well we're waiting here in Chubbytown
And they've lamed another diatribe down

You see, I only complain about the things that piss me off, like douchbags bragging about being able to subscribe and shit and basically saying we are lowly because we don't do it.

Yeah, some of us are viciously poor and can't afford to spend $3 all willy-nilly just because we want to.

Yeah my fucking car exploded today.

"Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella around?"
Fo' drizzle!

logical thinking for the win, d.

GAWDAM WERE YOU IN IT?!?!? that would have been so fucking radical, man! fuck. i'd spent $3bills all "willy nilly" to see that shit.

Shhh man, who lamed this? The idea of Jay-Z sitting down to a nice game of backgammon with Cornelius just cracks me up. Button-ups all around, gents!

There are an excessive number of lames flying around, entire stretches of the 'bar laid barren.

I think someone keeps registering new accounts so they can get more lames.

Newbies only get 1 or 2 lames a day. The above lamer "Chilibreath" is listed as an "expert." I'll note also that one miscreant arbitrarily lamed the first eight posts for the 2/11/08 strip (i'm watchin' you "wallabeechamp").

The essence of community is tolerance for one another (and the willingness to put the beat-down on truly disruptive assholes).

What's disruptive about laming?

Is that a obscure, real life Vonnegut Dresden quote? In MY AssetBar? It's more likely than you think.

Sorry, not that likely. I just picked it up from the same guy I stole "I'll burn that bridge when I come to it" from. He probably got it from Vonnegut. Seemed like a Vonnegut kind of guy.

I'm pretty sure Vonnegut actually got the phrase from Fats Waller, who used to say "I wonder what the poor people are doing...I'd love to be with them!".

I think it's just an old saying. My source used it when something very redneck happened, like when a drunk person at a party knocks over the punchbowl or shits in the floor. I've always used it while enjoying simple pleasures with others of modest means, like over a grill full of meat, some domestic brew, and DVR full of Breaking Bad, Torchwood, and Reaper.

Until the part about the DVR, I was certain, CERTAIN you were talking about me.

Carry on, my wayward son.

The hell?! I did neither of those things, all I did was recommend the subscriber area because:

a) it is good value

b) it directly supports Achewood, which as you might be aware isn't the internet's most profitable business.

I don't like people complaining about something they got for free, and I don't know why I'm being attacked.

Be happy. Be happy about Achewood

Please don't fight, you're tearing this family apart

Awwwwwww
=3

Kittens: Nature's dogfood

These Kittens are making me Thirsty!

oh.

those are not the same as kittens.

hilarious.

This may be the funniest thing I've read on Achewood in some time.

Well played, good sir.

I am allergic to cats and those are not very adorable at all. Even for kittens they are very low on the scale of adorability.

There is always a price for reading achewood

It's like a new baby lamb!

Whoops, sorry fermatprime. Didn't see that you beat me to the joke.

I need a checkbook to give away money to my cousins.

In a cute way.

See Onstad, you make a comic without food references and it's GOOD.

We get it, you like cooking and you're a bit of a snob about it, let it go.

HEY ASSETBAR WUTS GOIN ON, CAN I HAVE SOME LAMES FOR OLD TIMES SAKE?

gasp

NeoNaoNeo is like Dan from Street Fighter. He just won't die but nobody cares when he comes back for revenge.

Fuck you buddy.

Chubbied, though.

Paradox.

A lame? Sure, I've got one he....heyyyyy waitaminnit!

Ray thought that amount out: Six is obviously the cutest number and Phillipe is obviously the cutest otter ergo it was completely heartfelt and, yes, classy.

I like to think that Lyle would have had the same reaction regardless of who he saw standing behind him.

like the Scott Pilgrim

Furthermore, his prior relationships with simians haven't been all that amiable.

Do you think it's... simian fever?

Chubby purely for knowing 6FS.

HOLYFUCK!

we found your comment lame.

Extremely. Apparently nobody finds it as funny as I. Nary a chubby in sight; my post causing all even slightly phallic object to shrink away in disgust.

I just think it was because, much like nicknames, you can't really call "SYNCHRONISM" on yourself.

I chubbied it, belatedly. I get it.

Thank you. What TGH said was kind of the point of it. I did it partly because it was the opposite of the standard.

Well you(or someone) could write a book on Frahm's signature "little-boy" leer as the same guy wearing many faces sees the panties fall from the same bottom of many different girls, he's nakedly thinking "HOLYFUCK!"

Oh, and the slightly dazed, astonished look on the girl's face saying nothing, and everything.

It's poetry, sorta.

Someone needs to create a Frahm-themed porno. Seriously people. We've had the same lame scenarios time and time again. We need something new. Yeah, occasionally we'll get some pin-up inspired stuff, but this isn't just a look, this is a whole concept. Get to it.

Porn: "Oh hi" bonebonebone

Frahmporn: "Whoa your knickers fell off!" bonebonebone

But also with the accurate reproduction of the scenario, image, clothing, etc. It takes on a new dimension.

That smile warmed my cockles like they have not been warmed in a decade at least.
It can't be right that the smile of an anthropomorphic stuffed tiger is capable of getting this kind of emotion from a self-reliant, well-balanced, adult man.
Damn you, Onstad. Damn you.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen him smile before today. This one is gold.

I literally and extensively laughed out loud about this strip. This is maybe the funniest thing I have ever seen. But then again, I just painted a sinister lion-man in a suit standing in the jungle. Make your own conclusions.

I got yo back jthm_guitarfag

Every single aspect of your post screams "Classy!"

Heh! Oh, Philippe.

Does this mean there are now more archived strips available to us lowly nonsubscribers? Should I go look? If I find some, do I get a prize? [Answer: Yes.]

I doubt it, because the archive and the premium content are classified as two different things.

Goes back to my little idea, just lump it all together, charge me thirty bucks, let me see that shit for like--at least a year. I just hate subscriptions for some reason. Commitment.

Dude, I feel you entirely. I think it's not so much commitment, but rather the feeling that if you stop subscribing, you'll lose everything you paid for. Which is why I still buy CD's. Rhapsody can bite me.

Oh, Rhapsody
I miss my old days

Onstad too deserves $6 for making me smile today. and so do the beautiful people in the subscriber-only archive. thanks.

It wasn't canon. Now it is. There aren't many subscriber only strips, not too many at all.

But of course its canon! When the cast later makes an inside refrence to young Phillipe's new catch phrase we no longer run the risk of being left confused and dismayed!

Or when Philippe gets mugged on the way to the bank, we will know why he was going.

No one would touch that cute little otter. Even if they tried, Philippe would be able to sort out the whole tranny mess. Because he is a special boy.

I can see it now. Phillipe skipping merrily towards the bank, a pair of Hamburgaler-eque cliche robbers lurking in the shadows...
"Shh!" one whispers to the other, "here comes a special boy!"
Aaaand, robbed.

Beagle Boys
[IMGS OFF]

Yeah! Yeah! Uncle Scrooge references in my Assetbar! What a wonderful find.

I guess so? It is now, anyways.

Glue a mustache on Phillipe and voila: Phillipe Cannon, P.I.

Thinking out loud-
Maybe that's where his detective story style comes from....

Doesn't look very approving to me...

Listen. Listen. Your opinion is not a national treasure. Okay? It is not an irreplacable resource. There is no shortage of opinions. People can say whatever the hell they want about your opinion. An opinion is not intrinsically worthy of respect. So don't get prissy-britches about it.

"In the soup?"

You been hanging out at the old folk's home?

Instead of getting high and mighty making a mountain out of a molehill, count your blessings before you end up between a rock and a hard place.

3.5 stars

Next time try and use cliches that are more out of date, like falling off of carts, buying bridges, or involving the phrase "shoeshine" or patently offensive turn-of-the-century racial stereotypes.

Nice effort though.

Your advice is exactly what I was trying to do, but all I could come up with at the time were "bee's knees" and "cat's pajamas", which aren't even close to what I was trying to think of. Of course now I can think of several.

Chubbied for "shoeshine". "Nickel" works too.

Now you're on the trolley!

I like the cut of this post's jib. 23-Skiddoo, kiddo!

I like the massive incongruity between old-school nautical lingo and nonsensical phrases from roaring 20's pop culture.

Even worse is the conflicting meaning of "I enjoy this. Get out of here."

Today is the day where I say all the punch lines!

I visualize Bob bobbing and weaving, ducking punches like a carny contest, saying punchlines, pipe INTACT!

Is that what 23 skiddoo means? I always wondered.

oh, bah. we can use this whole issue as an excuse to be angry or an excuse to be happy. i choose happiness.
achewood is phenomenal, and its fanbase is one of the best group of shiny happy phenomenal motherfuckers on the face of this earth!

You damn right, my good man ! No people on the internet can shit laughing rainbows like we do.

das right, say't again

SO GIVE HIM 6 BUCKS. You get two months for that.

I see your trap and I'm not falling for it.

He's not impressed, but he is bludgeoned into unconsciousness and bundled into the van anyway.

A guy can dream

Keir:1.
theguitarhero:0.

My favourite pickup line is "get in the fucking van"

"Come with me if you want to live" still works well. The inflection is important though and lets it transition well from helpful to threatening.

Also good: "You know, if you really look into it, we're not actually related."

Also good: "Is your daddy a policeman? Cause you've got huge tits"

shit. i meant to hit chubby.. that was funny. fuck.

You've been living life like a demon, always busting through whatever got in your way. Usin' teeth or fists or the steel in your eye, you could say you treat everybody equally because you don't give a damn all the same. But then there was that one barfight that started cause some little fag was lookin at you for a little too long, just when you were about to put the first nice cool bottle of beer to your lips and suddenly it looked like a dick in your mind, so you went up and smashed it over his head. And as he lay bleeding on the floor, you decided to pick up his wallet and steal whatever cash he had on hand. And then you see his driver's license and the last name, and his age, and his resemblance to the one sweet thing you ever held in your bulging, useless arms: the girl you left because, hey if we're really being honest here, you thought one day comin you'd crush her in your grip -- maybe not literally, but hell some kinda way. And with the legacy of that liaison starin up at you with fading eyes, you run. Run motherfucker. Run into the night, the darkness, the only place you feel at home. Because the light can't shine off any mirrors that make you look yourself in the face.

You're like the guy Immortal Technique was rapping about in "Dance With The Devil."

What did hate ever do for you, desert_donkey?

there's no way i wouldn't drink the bottle of beer, even if i thot it resembled a dick.

BEER: it's just that compelling.

and fuck you for bringing up beer. jeez. it's fucking 4 more hours 'til i can purse that sumptuous elixir so practically packaged in a cylindrical container with subtle hints of phalicness... just all dripping with cold glory and the endless possibilities of the night, bubbles bursting in my mouth as gold 'god' passes my lips, courses across my tongue and pounds the back of my throat rendering me .. uh.. blissfully stupid again ;)

Yeah, don't bring up beer during work hours. You're gonna set my DTs to tremblin'. Not cool.

You can pay with PayPal, for which you only need a bank account. Also, I got a Visa Debit, for which you really only need a job (because the credit limit is $0). Any job. Really, I get paid $100 a week and I got one. They didn't even ask how much I get paid.

Um. Because a debit card is just a checking account? Is the fact that they don't do a credit check surprising somehow?

Yeah. Basically every checking account anywhere gives you a debit card instead of an ATM card and has done so for quite a long period of time. Since at least '99 or so from even smaller banks. If I didn't live in a place where a disgusting number of places were cash-only I would basically use debit for almost every purchase no matter how small.

What we really need to get rid of is change though. Carrying around small bits of metal to pay for things? How thoroughly antiquated. I'm glad I don't live in a country with coins for low denominations of what ought to be bills.

I'm glad I don't live in a country where the 1 dollar denomination could legally be considered crack cocaine due to residuals

Abolish the penny!

Not just the penny, but I'd be happy with the abolition of the nickel as well. Basically all coins except the quarter. I then want the quarter turned into a bill.

Even better just let me make all of my transactions electronically with a small device used for this purpose or some sort of card.

I'm told that Japan, IIRC, uses aluminum for their lowest-denomination coin making it very cheap to produce and giving it a light, worthless feel appropriate to something of such little value. I approve strongly.

I see absolutely no need for pennies at all.

Abolishing currency makes me leery about privacy issues.
Also, I lived in Europe for a time, so eh... I'm not all that fond of bills. I mean, they're useful for larger denominations, but they last a very short time (especially the lower-denomination ones, which see more wear), so they're massively less efficient. There's a reason why the Treasury's pushing the new $1 coins - they really would save billions. Also, denominations of the Euro have a two-euro coin, so you can get all increments up to the five-euro bill with two coints or less. It's really not that inconvenient, because you worry about where that shit goes. It's the small stuff that gets lost in the cracks.

No, it's ludicrously inconvenient. I can carry my wallet easily in my pocket and move it simply to a new pocket, but finding space for coins? Well, I either need to have some sort of bulky and unpleasant coin purse (that I will then have to hunt through because unlike bills I can't neatly organize them by denomination) or jam random wads of cash into pockets and seriously hope that I have a change pocket in them. A tiny little pocket that I can then fish around in and hope I happen to have the right coins.

Coins are really a terrible way to handle a currency.

Again, however, I loathe cash. I try to carry a maximum of $20 at any one time, but with so many places in SF being cash-only (and not just corner stores, but places where your restaurant bill will easily run $15-30 or worse) you're more or less screwed. Too many places seem to think that paying to use their janky unaffiliated ATMs somehow solves this problem, but there's no way in hell I'm going to pay to access my own money. They just want to pass the cost of the processing fee on to me and inflate it significantly over what they would pay. Cash is far too easy to lose or have stolen (the reason I carry so little of it). I mean, I've never actually lost my wallet, but I don't want the possibility to really be there.

I'm far less concerned about theoretical and, frankly, rather paranoid worries about privacy than I am about plain old-fashioned muggings and the supreme hassle that cash and fixed denomination bills so often are.

Give me a small wallet-sized device that can function as a combination digital money system with send/receive functionality and the ability to store local value, access to my bank, credit card (for those fools who still desire to senselessly incur debt), and multi-use ID/transit pass/passport and I'll be happy. Oh and put a small compartment into it, if possible, to store miscellaneous small papers and cards. This is clearly the way to go.

Worries about privacy in an era of online banking and overwhelming prevalence of card-based transactions is hardly "paranoid." The government can, and does, track people's credit card purchases, ie when trying to catch criminals. It's NOT a far step from there to abuse of surveillance power.

And yeah, I wasn't saying that coins are more CONVENIENT (which, of course, is mostly because wallet design in America is bill-centric), but that they're not that unconvenient and that they're way more economical.

But....you are the penny of humanity, Belgand. There is no need for you either. You should cherish them, for there is-

No..
need..
for..
you..
either.

Is this Pick-on-Belgand Day on the calendar?

Seriously... have you all gotten into the horseradish or something? The sass.

Hava hug, Belgand. You're just such an easy setup guy, it's hard to resist.

Sometimes... sometimes I enjoy setting things up.

A personal favorite is to setup an obvious joke at my expense or comment that could be made into a lewd joke or double entendre by others and then acting appalled and indignant.

If you cannot make jokes at your own expense or willfully set yourself up for such jokes whenever necessary then you have no purpose ever attempting to be funny.

In all fairness, however, I did feel like I was getting it a bit much all in a row. No huge deal though.

w3rd^10000000000000000000000000000000000000

I gave you a pity-chubby.

What the hell is a "big hot tranny mess"?

And why am i thinking of a the soiled night gown of mr. Morrison.

or mr. Morrison for that matter.

So transexual fashion blunder or cute childish escapade, you decide.

Chubby for looking something up so I can be lazy and just click on a link.

you must have safesearch on

Apparently, no one here watches Project Runway. Thankfully, Chris and I do.

Of course, subsequently scrolling down the page I realized that a few others were aware of this show. I may, however, have been the only straight male who recognized it. Does that make me a gay male?

Make it work.

Oh! How could I forget? Mattylite also watches this show. We watch it together. We sit there and enjoy it like twin towers of overpowering heterosexuality.

Me and Mattylite get so straight together.

There is nothing gay about Project Runway. It's simply a terrible show. Being gay isn't an excuse to enjoy horrible things.

I would have laughed if all those links went straight to Tim Gunn's wikipedia.

*laughed harder

Well like, I got the joke, but it would have been funnier if he just repeated himself.

Christian whatshisface would have been a better choice though, as Tim Gunn is not as obviously gay.

Tim Gunn is obviously gay.

Ok maybe I just haven't seen him in public enough (since I do not watch Project Runway or Tim Gunn's Guide To Style) but he does not show any stereotypical mannerisms of a homosexual male, where as Christian Siriano does.

Except for being really sad about stains in that new laundry detergent commercial? Because he is really sad about stains.

And only gay people get sad about stains. Apparently was the joke.

My girlfriend gets upset and sometimes rather angry about stains. Is there an exception for ladies?

Oh, you're talkin' photos. OK. Yeah, it's not so apparent when you can't see his perfect hands flopping around like crazy on his functionless wrists.

You know, I have seen him on film before and I don't remember that.

Straight people can be flop wristed too though.

Well, I'm gonna flop my wrists right out of this conversation if you don't mind.

flopflopflopflopflop.

Actually it's more predicated on how stereotypical of a statement that is. Some people are gay, but have absolutely no interest or ability at fashion. Some can barely even dress themselves.

That excepted calling that abomination gay is a slight on homosexuals.

Whatever, gay.

Alternate response: "Huh! Whatever, fag."

ahomosayswhat?

[IMGS OFF]

YES

All I need is one more person to use this picture and I will have officially started an assetbar meme.

And I won't have to feel alone anymore...

I am doing everything in my power not to drop a goatse in the text area and post it. I want to ruin your moment so bad. I think I can fight this horrible urge with the power of laziness and porn.

If you had done that I would have laughed. I would have laughed so hard.

But it shall never be now. You blew it.

Who wants to makeyou laugh anyway?

If I were not at work I would find a goatse picture and then place the NOT GAY sign over the gaping asshole. That would be funny, I think.

You know what is worse than Project Runway? People who just immediately dismiss it. If you watch it with a sort of derisive eye, it can be hilarious; like all reality or trash television. See: The Soup.

And seriously, Santino was the absolute tranniest of hot messes. Love that guy.

He is on RuPaul's Drag Race now, for anyone wondering where to find more Santino in this wide, cruel world.

Derisive eye for the gay guy.

Only watching something terrible in an ironic fashion is probably one of the most hipster things you can possibly do.

If anything that's an even better reason not to have anything to do with it.

Not ironic, I'm not sitting there saying, "OH my, how TERRIBLY INTERESTING is THIS plot DEVICE mmyes"

I'm just laughing at dumb, self-absorbed people do dumb, self-absorbed things. I'm not saying it is above laughing at a guy get hit in the testicles over and over again, but it isn't ironic. Just schadenfruede.

also, some of the designs are pretty awesome.

I still haven't been able to sort out exactly how I watch it, what I get out of it, etc. But I definitely enjoy it in an only very slightly ironic way.

also, some of the designs are pretty awesome.

rowboat you super coo, so nice that sometimes a dude can just kick back and enjoy a program that other dudes would pretend to have never heard of in order to score with some girl who pretends to like football but really just watches America's Next Top Model and Janice Dickinson's Modelling Agency reruns, crying to herself, staring at her mangled body and her wasted life

I appreciate that, man.

I've seen a few episodes of America's Next Top Model and I'm totally ok with myself, but I seriously have to stop watching all this fruity shit.

Is "totally ok with myself" a euphamism for "fapped continuously"?

Damn kids these days and their new jerk-off slang!

I mean to say "ok with my raging heterosexuality" but I posted that while banging three chicks at the same time, because, huh, you know, I'm so straight that I can't even be around other dudes.

Sounds like someone's overcompensating.

I see a late night spend crying in a sad, angry manner as TGH jerks off over an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog.

That was the joke, though!

You must be readin' my mail.

I want nothing to do with either of those people.

Thankfully none of my friends have even the slightest interest in any sorts of sports or stereotypically girly things.

This is the geek way.

The closest I can come is my girlfriend having a thing for Charmed, but it was never a really big thing and I think she liked it more for the magic than anything else.

Oh, you geeks and your magic....

See, disdaining people who like bad things ironically is the new liking things ironically.

Here's calling for an exponentially accelerating self-referential infinite regress in approving/not approving of performance irony, followed by heads exploding.

...

Boom.

"If you watch it ironically it's funny" doesn't mean it's not terrible, or that you should give it a chance (to prove itself). Because, you know, that's not really what he's talking about.

okay guys you don't have to watch project runway in any way at all, ever, if you don't want to-- yeeeesh

I didn't mean to start an argument about irony, or what it means to watch something """"""ironically"""""", but maybe if any of you were familiar with The Soup, you'd know exactly what frame of mind I, and many others, are in when we watch shitty television. Alright? Rock of Love Bus 3 is on tonight, no more time.