Knuckleheads Magic Adventure

Knuckleheads Magic Adventure 03/10/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

The larger rubber California would not fit in Ray's carry-on.

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Evident skill in the the layout of the speech bubbles in panel 3.

"Doast Deef" made this a good day.

seriously, can anybody read/write cursive?

Curing cancer?
Now that is a neat concept.

I'm personally fond of the fact that Chris is polite enough to hide his onomatopoeia behind his characters...

Either that or Beef's carry on is just significantly lighter, only warranting an "unk"

Considering Ray's penchant for buying useless and tasteless things in amazing quantities, your latter explanation seems likely.

why you think i had two?

Until I read this comment, I thought those were the sounds of Ray putting his hands on his hips.

Dude, me too.

While I'm willing to buy the second argument, we can clearly see Beef covering up a bit of the k in "unk." Thus, the first option is definitely true.

That's not that hard, dude.

I hate people with kids named Desteny, why do people feel the need to make it harder for their kids to fill out paperwork?

The joke would have still been marvelous with "kids named Destiny", but the fact that he tossed in the hippie spelling is clearly something just for us readers to enjoy, even poor Roast Beef must be unaware of the simple pleasure he has once again brought us.

that's redneck spelling, I think. hippies name their kids "sparrow wind" and go to shankarland instead.

I would go to this place.

Me too.. oh wait, I thought it said SHARKLAND. Never mind.

Live every week like it's shark week.

"Shark Week" is my new favorite euphemism for when "Aunt Flow makes her monthly visit".

fuck yeah, dude! thats great!

Nothing's impossible except dinosaurs.

Ima get me a big rubber sitar.

It would sound about the same.

I'm awaiting a rampage of sitar-loving lames.

Verdict: Assetbaristas are ambivalent towards sitars.

Unless it's a magical sitar that only speaks the truth.

I know a guy whose first name is Far Mountain, and I'm not even joking.

Is he a Native American?

Umm I'm not sure, but he lives in England, and I've never met any Native American people here before.

I suppose it'd be difficult to be a Native American in England. Wouldn't you just be an American?

"Even Less English" is the proper term, I think.

This made me laugh. Thanks!

There are no Maoris on Craggy Island.

You mean Doast Deef?

in Tacoma WA they name their kids Daymein (Damien).

Who's they?

Tacoma Washingtonites, I guess.

They are actually known as Tacomans which is way cool because it reads as Taco Man the first time you see it!

i love taco.

Daymein's (Damien's) parents or legal guardians

Considering phonetics seems to be the new grammar, Desteny will make as much sense to these dullards as any other spelling.

I wonder what this Phonetics looks like, and why this rising star is overtaking Kelsey as the new Grammer.

that was unfortunate

that was delightful.

Let us all just hope we don't find ourselves in a situation where phrenology becomes the new phonetics. Hella racist, all.

I dunno, but you could go ask Dakota, D'Andre, or, and this one is no shit the daughter of a friend of mine; Mollecula.

Whaaaaaaat

"Mollecula" sounds like a Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie.

And of course there's the galaxy of professional sports name: Deshaun, Jamarcus, LaDanian, Antwan, Chone, ReShard, and my personal favorite:
[IMGS OFF]

Holy shit, that name is epic as hell. Just...wow! How does someone think of that? Even leaving aside the fact that the name contains the word "brick." How do you decide to start a name with D'B? How?

what

From wikipedia:

Ferguson is named after Father Ralph de Bricassart, a fictional character on the 1983 mini-series The Thorn Birds, played by Richard Chamberlain.

Bricassart - D'Brickahaw. Of course, that makes it SO MUCH LESS CRAZY

Phillipe got left out :(

Oh my God! But he wanted to go to Disneyland! He had to go to Disneylaaaaand! He's at that special age!

Hey, pardon yourself before you let one rip, buddy!

That is the saddest thing.

Oh my, I completely didn't make that connection and now that it's been pointed out I'm so sad.

I'm sure Ray picked him up some hats. And perhaps the Original Cast Recording of Frosting!

5 Votes, 5 fives

I tried to six it, but there was no sixth Beef icon. So now there are six fives. I feel awful.

You should.

"The Future:"

[IMGS OFF]

"Do something nice for a change!"

I chubbied him as a band-aid for the wounds caused by my acid-tounge.

Is 'toungue' an acceptable spelling of tongue?

TWICE! WHY!

Try pinnin' that on Assetbar!

I...I cannot.

...And so wargasmic lamed me 3 times. Ass.

Tell me how many times you spell-checked that before you posted it.

Tell me.

I spell-check before I do anything and am my own worst critic. I am a cock to myself. I blame this linguistic pedantry on my mother being a secretary for 40 years.

all for the kids at assetbar. its your gift to us.

I really like the level of language used on this comment board.

If u dnt lyk it, u cn go fcuk off u n00b!

You didn't have to make an example of daidai by laming him 3 times. That's being a cock to a stranger. There are certainly worse things in Assetworld than correcting your own spelling. i.e. Complaining about other people correcting their spelling.

Yeah and who the hell would do that?

Wait. Ohhhhh.

It WAS a cock to a stranger move to lame the guy three times, but I follow your reasoning. I don't really think it is image-crafting or anything as negative as that, but you don't really need to correct a minor infraction such as a misspelling. You shouldn't have to fear lames for correcting yourself, or for making a little error. It's the Year of True Magic, can't we all just lol?

Actually, I've noticed a pretty strange phenomenon. In a surprising number of cases, these correction/clarification comments have received more chubbies than the original comments.

Those are the sorts of people who run this joint.

Though presently cocksure, Wargasmic will assimilate or fade away, in time. Either that, or he will hate this place and keep coming back anyway. There's a pretty solid tradition of that sort of behavior, as well.

Yeah I guess youre right. I have no clue why I'm questioning this system, I just think the whole thing is absurd is all. Sorry I lamed a guy. I'll just go back to reading the comic, like I used to before assetbar.

...and they all lived happily ever after.

Well, I'm glad that ended well. I was about to be all "Oh, God, what have I done?" but I think I'll go to bed happy instead.

This chubby is a reward for good behavior, as the lame I gave you earlier was punishment.

wargasmic is not the first to make that claim. know what he did right after saying he would never look at comments again?... scroll, scroll, scroll.

Hating this place is a beautiful thing to do.

Hmm. NO. We WILL judge you.

Wargasmic, are you saying that the people on AssetBar are NOT intellectual assholes who will judge me? I think you've just upset my paradigm.

I'll tell you what weirds me out...it's the people that go and check who lamed them. That is strange, son, strange. Let it go.

I've been lamed before and will be again. don't care who did it. it's the internet.

Strange but true.

I wasn't even aware that you could see who had lamed you until now.

paging Screaming Philippe Avatar. paging Screaming Philippe Avatar. say 'NOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

hey.

fuck you.

FUCK YOU ALL

I still mean this though, ya'll some nerds.

or y'all.

oh gosh, that was rude. That was completely rude. I'm really sorry.

And this is why you do not get to go to Disneyland.

At least everything's spelled correctly.

But shouldn't that be 'all y'all'?

Depends. In TN and surrounding, people just say "y'all." In the ATL and urban deep such as New Orleans it goes to "all y'all" and that can stretch as far as Houston. But usually by Dallas on all the way to CA it's back to "y'all." But then it becomes a mixed bag completely.

Houston here; I've heard both, but "all y'all" seems redundant to me ("all you all"). Then again, I don't think I've ever said "y'all" at all.

if things Ray said worth becoming a set of commandments turned into a poster or comic, i think it is Understood the 'cock to a stranger' line from Sort of Stoned would be on it.

you're in a Rough Place in a Rough Time. (as in, a dude with a Screaming Philippe Avatar..which sounds like it belongs in a trading-card game.) it is hard to generate lulz at the moment, it seems. no comments on this strip have made me laugh decently (besides Mister Los Piratas Are Broken) but simply chuckle maybe twice as i move down the page.

all this to say that i do not Blame you yourself for saying that to me. i Blame the environment that we're in on this here Assetbarrio. one misguided comment, like mine, can ruck the fun party this is for even just one person and i formally apologize for my instance to you and the rest of the community.

Well, everyone goes south every now and then.
[IMGS OFF]

Man, you could do anything with that avatar and people would still think you're the duck's nuts. I bet you could have raped a bunch of homeless children and people would find it Postmodernistically Ironic.

All like, screaming at yourself and stuff. "OH NO I'M A MONSTER" and the suchlike. The chubbies would flow like wine.

"Postmodernistically"

Congratulations

You are the

Redundant use of of phonemes in a word of the day

That ain't nice.

I see no reason for that.

Andrew_! Don't swear in front of screaming Phillipe! He is a very special boy!

Don't be one of those guys Andrew.

V-chubb for this, man. I laughed like a stoned teenager.

You said a hate word, you little canuck bastard.

I wonder what the sixth Beef icon would look like.
Hmm..
on second thought,

I wonder what the negative one beef icon would look like.

[IMGS OFF]

Theres negative beef.

I was thinking more of that one where he has to buy feminine products.

Or the "tetris" panels...

I had a lot of choices to make and I pulled the trigger on one of them. I do not regret my decision.

the embittered abusive husband Beef from yesterday perhaps?

I was actually thinking of panel 7 here.

I imagine the six would look something like this.

[IMGS OFF]

That is way off the scale. More like an 8 or 9.

A combination of the two warrants some discussion, and certainly it seems as if Beef enjoys his cigarettes way more.
[IMGS OFF]

I have failed at BBcode. This does not surprise me.
[IMGS OFF]

I...I just can't make heads or tails of this one.

Particularly now that I notice that the supposed wifebeater he is wearing has now outside seam, thus meaning that it is either
1. A long-sleeve shirt
or B. A onesie.

Blood and ashes!

...has no outside seam...

I'm gonna guess that it's thermal underwear. That seems like a thing for a person in Beef's position in that panel to wear.

That is dog shit.

HI!

Also, husky Puerto Ricans are always a part of classic knucklehead vacations -- I'm a bit surprised Deef didn't know that.

There are many husky Latinos at Disneyworld here in Florida. They can be found on both sides of the Uniform.

I agree with this strip in that the sheer joy that comes from going to Disneyland comes purely from seeing the people that actually go there.

That said, I love Disneyland.

Ray is a man who would see a Ray of sunshine in a coal mine. Also, the coal mine is collapsing. He is still pleased with the developments.

I agree with Doast Deef. Theme parks are about as much fun as a Windex enema, and about half as hygienic.

Holy shit, I capitalized the second ray

Ain't nothing wrong with that. If Ray were in a coal mine, he would see a manifestation of himself, beaming down in sunlight from the stalactites. Makes perfect sense to me.

But it would turn out to be Ray's great great great uncle Hubert Smuckles, who perished when the mine was flooded in 1863. And Ray would buy that mine because that is what his g.g.g uncle would have wanted. Diamonds are discovered in the mine in the following strip and Ray uses them to gravel his driveway. Pat makes a rare re-appearance to comment that this is perhaps a little bit extravagant and offensive. But, while everyone mostly agrees with his viewpoint, the manner in which he expressed it causes everyone to consider him a dick. Philippe never goes to Disneyland.

A diamond-gravelled driveway would be hell of impractical and would probably shred tires and possibly lead to diamonds in my windshield.

See what I did there? Huh?

[IMGS OFF]

Chubbied for the post, and also the fact that your avatar always brightens my day.

Go go dancing dinosaur!

I went to Disneyland. The mouse hat is in a box with my shattered dreams

When I last went to Disneyland (well, Disneyworld) I was 6 years old -- and absolutely terrified of clowns and puppets.

This did not bode well for me.

Everywhere I went, men in suits, human puppets. I cried, I screamed, I ran from my parents and I hid behind a trashcan in SpaceLand...while my parents searched for me in WonderLand. I kept hiding and crying, until Goofy stumbled towards me, leaving me no choice but to flee once more. I saw Minnie and Pluto, and hid beneath a bench. Everywhere, puppets. Puppets, everywhere.

Then, I listened to the loud voice coming over the park and heard the teenage girl blandly describing a child with my exact characteristics -- they were hunting me! I crawled further towards the back of the bench and sobbed and sobbed.

Twenty minutes later a very fat, very curly-haired woman spotted me and took me back to my terrified and worried parents.

or a def poetry jam

Human puppets.

Lift up the mask.

The head is a hand.

OHHHHH SHIIIIIIT.

Anyone who watches shitty American wrestling would remember the wonderful storyline wherein Mae Young gave birth to a bloodied hand.

Anyone who doesn't watch shitty American wrestling now knows this too and I'm not sorry

Oh..God...why do I want to know more about this???

Childhood is an endless march of incomprehensible horrors.

My parents once took me to see the circus.

"Send in the Clowns"
"Release the Hounds"

These phrases should be enunciated identically.

Whether it's because this idea is actually amusing or because I am writing my second essay in a 24 hour period, I laughed at this. Either way, thank you for that.

Just noticed that my strips viewed is currently 777. This must be a special day. Right?

(Note: I've actually seen every Achewood comic; I didn't create a profile 'til awhile in.)

"Isn't that the number for Heaven or something?"

"Does this look like Heaven to you?"

"Um, I guess not."

[IMGS OFF]

In Heaven, everything is fine.

Except when heaven burns down.

That comment, with that avatar has ROCKED MY WORLD

Awesome. World rocking is one of my favorite activities.

virtual chubby.

On a related note...incomprehensible horrors, that is...

In the movie of the Wizard of Oz, when the munchkins sing the whole "...UNDENIABLY DEAD." song, I was certain, CERTAIN that they were talking about Dorothy.

What follows is a version of the afterlife that makes Dante shit his pants and die.

I accepted this calmly, simply because nobody else in the room felt like freakin' out on this very basic thing.

That's pretty much my stepson's response when he was 5. Every character but Snow White scared him. When we went back last year (he was 11), he still avoided Goofy and sought out the Princesses. I believe that is a Sign.

You ought not to call your boy gay on the internet.

Thanks. I was gonna say something earlier. Now I don't have to.

For the record: I was going to say that it sounds like spectre's stepson would rather be the parking space than the car.

I'm out of chubbies, but I would like you to know that I will be using that phrase alot from now on.
Thank you for your contribution to civilization.

For honesty's sake here, and so some dude doesn't come accusing me of being a cock six months from now, I didn't invent that line. It came from Family Guy.

No, Dogg. You misunderstand my point. He is interested in buxom Princesses with low bodices. He is going to be Trouble one day, probably soon. He spent $22 on a Valentine's Day gift basket / flowers for The Girl With The English Accent at school. Yes, it was my money.

Oh.

So he would rather be the car.

Awesome.

I'm not tryin' to get your mind racin' or anything, man. Not tryin' to trouble your thoughts. But when you describe that situation I can't help but think:

Boy seeks Cinderella.

equals

Boy seeks to make Barbie look fierce for her upcoming runway show.

I know everyone's different, but when I was subjected to Disneyland as a boy, Cinderella was not only boring, but unconditionally gross. I pretty diligently sought out Pluto, and I'm as straight as the day is long.

I was looking for Darkwing Duck, myself. I loved the shit out of Darkwing Duck back in my younger days. When I watch it now, I wonder what the hell I saw in it.

this is similar to my childhood experience of watching "muppets in space", although i did all my crying on the couch.

I worked a summer job in Disneyland as a very young man. Bad pay, lots of girls to look at, and some funny stories. Like the guy who smuggled hot stereo equipment to sell to people in the park. Then there was time that there were too many Goofy's in the same part of Tomorrow Land at once, and several of them had to bust ass out of there at top speed - top speed- lest they confuse and/or frighten the small children.

Bringing the four hurt on this strip. Not five worthy

Mostly cuz Ray doesnt create a business around the idea of obese foreign look-alikes for birthday parties.

not yet

Beef has captured the lameness of Disneyland. There was a time it was cool. That time was when you were seven years old.

Man Disneyland in Japan is so much better.

YES. way more curry flavored popcorn there.

also, more asians.

I read that as furry flavored popcorn. It made even more sense then.

I should not have tried to imagine that particular combination.

Doast Deef.

Is good

Am I the only one that went until the age of 12 or so thinking that the D in the script "Walt Disney" was actually a backwards G or something? That confused the shit out of me for a long time.

meeee tooo

I thought this as well

you are not alone

That's definitly the joke of that panel.

(also you may be amazed to learn there is a substantially large facebook group designed for the express purpose of allowing 100,000 people to say "OMG ME TOO!" in response to your observation)

(and just go ahead and ignore that accidentally blanked comment)

Now I feel like the odd one out for never questioning it's D status! It's a small, terrible world.

well, damn, i had no idea there was already a trendy massive facebook group dedicated to my confusion. that thought has been officially lamed by my brain now.

Nothing is any good if other people like it.

Now there's a sentiment we can all agree on!

WRONG WRONG WRONG

I want to give you a chubby, but I've been too generous with my dispensing of them. Consider this a verbal chubby.

I thought that was funny until it started appearing on T-shirts

[IMGS OFF]

i just thought that you were giving them a meaningful stare.

how can people think it's not a D if they realize what word they're looking at

Something like this:

"Well, I know it should be a D and you have to say it as a D, but why have they written a backwards G? Perhaps this is one of the things I will understand when I am older, along with what it means that Dad is gay and why I they say I shouldn't talk to Uncle Norman, even though I'm also told he likes children."

...hey.

Hee- Walt Gisney

I always thought the y was a p.

Holy God. For years I've been telling people that and they've always just looked at me like I was from Space or something. I'd chubby you to infinity if I could.

That is how you say Roast Beef in Ventriloquism. I learned that from watching the Nicktoon Doug. I have never verified this with real life action-research.

Da doy dought da dasketdall.

da doy dounced da dasketdall.

Interesting that you brought up Doug, as it was a good show until Disney bought it.

It was a neat concept.

It's the same character twice even if it's not supposed to be a D. It could also be Roast Reef or Boast Beef.

New at Longhorns restaurants: Boast Beef!

A 2" thick sirloin steak cut from only the braggingest cows, smothered in organic "Gloat's Milk" feta and wallowing in its own juices. Served with Full-of-Itself Baked Potato and Bravado fries.

We went to Disneyland for three days in December. I was Roast Beef.

I had a student named Destenee. She didn't seem too scarred by the moniker.

But she couldn't do algebra for shit. Not that algebra dysfunction is necessarily an indicator of anything.

She is destened to fail algebra.

It will be very helpful to know that 2(a/b)=c where a is her weight in pounds, b is her IQ and c is how many children she will have.

I think that's called tight algebra.

and spelling.

damn, beat me too it. have a chubby.

"to" it. eesh.

Fuck... ALGEBRA! with Little Nephew and Destenee

Every time I scroll down to read new comments and happen to see this one, I think about how I should have put 'feat.' instead of 'and'. Hindsight explains the injury that foresight would have prevented.

LITTLE NEPHEW FEAT. DESTENEE FEAT. LITTLE NEPHEW!!

"i'm a guest on my own album, y'all biscuitheads."

Little Nephew be rappin and Destenee be singing the hook and Little Nephew be singin the background vocals on the hook. That is how real employees of rap companies do it. Little Nephew has been job-shadowing.

Fuck Algebra!

Don't be like "X is five"
If five is what you mean
If five is what is on your mind,
Then baby just come clean

Come on baby, turn around,
and drop those heavy books.
Who needs brains witha an ass like that?
Damn, you sure got looks.

Calculatin' numbers
won't get you anywhere
Yeah, knowing eight
times itself
one day'll impress some square.

So how's that math gonna do any good?
Babe, just let it be.
Hon, you know ya wanna Fuck...Algebra
And I know that ya wanna Fuck...Me!

When you've got an equation where x is squared,
And you need to find the answer, need to be prepared,
I can show you a way that's automatic.
You just use the formula that's called the Quadratic.

Now the first thing you do, you wanna be a solvin' hero,
Is you take the whole equation, set it equal to zero.
Then you take the terms, get 'em set up tight,
With x-squared on the left, and the constant on the right.
Then you take your numbers (there's gonna be three),
And you call 'em the a, the b and the c.

And it's minus b, plus or minus the,
Square root of b-squared minus 4ac.
Then you take the fraction bar, you take it all the way,
And underneath, you put 2a.

(c) 2005

Word.

MC Biff in the HOUSE! I'm taking this to my calc professor tomorrow.

my god. This can never get enough chubbies. Biff have my babies, just... please.

If you spell your child's name in a stupid way, you should not be surprised if your child turns out to be stupid.

I mean, really. How smart would you turn out if you had to expend massive amounts of mental energy over the course of your life telling strangers how to spell your name?

Interestingly enough, there is an article in the Science Times today about stupid names and their effects on people:

AN INTERESTING COINCIDENCE the new novel from Nice Pete

This is exactly what I meant up there in my original post, spelling your daughter's name "Styphany" and pronouncing it "Stephanie" is so irresponsible, it does NOT make them seem more "Y�nike".
Related story:
Last month I had to do a job wherein a girl's name was to be printed on a plaque, so when I got the handwritten copy and saw her name spelled as "Dominque", I assumed that the customer made a spelling error. I changed it to "Dominique", and when I handed over the plaque, the lady had a shitfit because I added the "i" where it should have logically been. Her explanation was that it was pronounced like "Dominique", but that they just chose to spell it that way. I'm convinced that her parent's made a mistake filling out the birth certificate and just said "fuck it." Poor kid.

Assetbar can't handle the umlauts, huh? I was saying "Yunike".

The lesson here being: do not have Assetbar name your child.

Assetbar can't handle much of anything

Tell it to smile like a donut and it starts gagging automatically

I can't take credit, someone else already said it
Western European encoding! Umlauts and pounds and squares, oh my!

I miss Disney...I never got my Fantasy Signature. And I only got 1 hat.

I seared my flesh on a hot iron and became convinced that my Grandma loved a stranger more than me. That's what happened last time I went to Disneyland.

Then we went to Knott's Berry Farm and I didn't care what my Grandma thought of me and I had a good time.

Snoopy vs. Mickey

This is obvious.

[IMGS OFF]

Three hats and a rubber California please!

Dios mio!!! He lost all his fingernails on that ride!

it's the year of true magic, people!

Wall to wall with five-hundred-pound mongoloids?

Sounds like Disney needs to build a Great Wall.

Wait.

To keep the five-hundred-pound mongoloids in or out?

You must not have seen the Mulan ride, then.

Y'all's confused.
Mongol = person from Mongolia
Mongoloid = dated and now wildly politically incorrect term for people with Down's Syndrome.

Pun on his part, I should think.

That's what the "Wait" indicated.

It is also a dated and wildly politically incorrect term for the Asian race, though. Along with Negroid, Caucasoid, etc. I imagine this definition came first?

Negroid.

No matter how many confused looks it's garnered me through the years, I have always loved to speak that word. It's been a life-long fascination of mine.

It just sounds so fun!

And oddly enough, no matter how many Caucasians I've met in the Western world, very very few of them has actually been or derived from Caucasus.

Love how the guys come in and drop their suitcases with a simultaneous "KLUNK."

I have never been to Disneyland (which is probably a felony since I am in California), and I believe that Beef might have actually put me off of the idea.

"We did not have a good time at Disneyland"

At first I thought that the 'klunks' were Ray's hands landing pointedly on his hips.

That dream dies with the days of fun/ laid-back posts on assetbar.

If you've become too stressed by assetbar, you should seriously consider meditation or calming down and having a latte.

Not stressed, I just used to like to read it. I'm still here though, hoping things get better. How's your day been?

I resent all of you who have the luxury of complaining about theme parks. The closest I ever got to DisneyLand was a place called Upper Clements' Park which was HISTORICALLY THEMED. All I know is this: I have never had the pure wild joy of screaming whilst upside down traveling 200 km/hr NOR have I experienced anything even relatively close to what Mariah Carey's Fantasy video promises me (except for certain sections of the ODB rap). Incidentally, the reason my family did not take us to DisneyLand (according to my 2 older brothers) was because all the package were for 4 person families.

You aren't missing much. I remember it as being the rare childhood-centric experience that actually disappointed me contemporaneously. Mostly you just stand around waiting in line. Parts of it are amusing, though, like the Haunted House.

When I went in fifth grade, we seemed to enjoy swimming around the hotel pool more than being at Disneyland.

Mariah Carey's "Fantasy" video was filmed at Rye Playland in Rye, NY. If you ever find yourself in the northern environs of New York City, admission is free. You have to pay to ride the rides. Have a good time. Might I recommend the Dragon Coaster?

Bonus Fact: Playland was also the location of Zoltar the Magnificent in the pre-bloating Tom Hanks movie "Big".

Chubbied for knowing what Rye Playland is and that things in popular culture were filmed there. My Uncle used to take me there when I was but a wee child.

Once, long ago, some friends and I decided we'd try to ride our bikes up to Rye. We made it to about New Rochelle before we took inventory of all the holes in our plan.

Our calves and brains were yet to be usefully developed.

Chubbied out of solidarity for those who missed out on stereotypical American childhood experiences. As a Russian immigrant with a single mom, I guess it's not surprising that the first time I even went on a rollercoaster was in high school, and it was a shitty little one on the Jersey shore boardwalk.

To quote Mr. Waits, Disneyland prepares our children for Vegas.

Damm that cast of Frosting the Musical...always ruining Disney Land trips and other occasions!

Ray in panel eight. The desperate attempt to get something, anything positive out of a disastrous vacation. I know it well.

"Oh, come on, the falls weren't all bad. At least you got to learn a little something about leeches! You can show the scar to your friends!"

Qu� sucede en Vegas permanece en Vegas.

My Official Disney Fantasy Signature would be Dick Danger...

And that's a neat concept!

Echoes of yesteryear.

Dads Darlsen Daekkevold, here. But my real name sounds just as insane.

...Well, that's not REALLY how you spell my last name. Let's se if Assetbar will let me spell it correctly: B�KKEVOLD.

unless there is a square in your alphabet?

Assetbar is like an intolerant clerk at Ellis Island. Welcome to the Internet, Mr. Baker.

i'd be Ded Dead!

Teodor has fucking lost weight. Finally.

Were you to place his jogs from end to end, I do believe they'd circumnavigate the globe. Boy's been at it for a while. He's lost a little round the middle, lookin real good.

good call. that is way better than his sweaty body last week

Only a matter of time till he becomes some blowjob from the banana republic ads.

Yes but that means it is also only a matter of time till tragedy strikes.

The Second Horseman of the Apocalypse Has Come.

Nah, I think he's just pulled his shorts up to cover his muffin.

I am not alone when I say for the first ten years of my life I thought the Disney D was a G or some kind of Arabic character.

Guilty

I debated and finally 5'd it. The differences were Ray pointing in panels 7 and 8 and Beef's crack about the Avon lady.

I think that taking a dude with depression to disneyland Is like taking a deaf person to see Wilco. Bitterness is all you can expect

Taking any man or woman or child - depression or not - to Disneyland...is a disservice.

Taking a deaf person to a Wilco show is cruelty, especially if it was right after Tweedy got clean and Nels Cline joined the band and they were just COOKING.

I like to think you sat there for a while thinking: 'Which band, out of all the bands in the world, could be the antonym of "spectacle" or "stage presence"?'

I don't entirely disagree with your choice either, and I've got four of their albums.

I just want to join in on the fun of making a mistake and then repaying to myself.

Fuck. REPAYING to myself.

SHIT.

Shit.

CRAP.

Poop.

Fecal matter.

Pickles!

Turd with a bullet in it.

Excrement.

Pickles on parede.

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!

Please put your pants on.

Chubbied. The dramatic music video version cracks me up every time I see it.

Oh my god, best strip in months.

I'm shocked at its rating -- currently 4.3

I liked it a lot, but others apparently found it hardly above average (currently about the 700th highest rated strip).

I really wish people wouldn't equate a 4 with 'terrible'. If you look at all the strips, the real rating scale is something like 4.3 to 4.8. If you gave this a 5, do you really think it's as funny as Roast Beef Bangs a Website or Roast Beef and Molly Talk Like Dogs? For me a 5 is strips like that, which made me laugh out loud twice or more. 4 is if it made me laugh once, 3 for nothing more than a chuckle or finding something rather clever, and two if it was just nothing (which is rare).

To sum up, you guys shouldn't rate strips the way a professor of an intro film class at a shitty liberal arts school grades 3-page papers.

Don't tell me my businees, devil-woman.

But without my sound advice you will make poor rating investments and receive diminishing returns! The Assetbar bubble will burst because or rating inflation and there will be a downturn and we'll all be eating dog food.

Also, I'm a dude, but you know, whatever.

The rating's already devalued to the extent you fear, but I'm yet to eat dog food. Fortunately the socialist regulation of chubbies and lames has prevented anarchy and looting.

I must admit that this has always been a fear of mine. I'm stocking up on the top brand dog food, just in case.

As long as you're stocking up on something in preparation for the coming apocalypse, maybe you should consider people food? I've heard good things about Dinty Moore.

Yeah, Dinty Moore uses only top-grade dogs in their dog food.

Dog faces.

That is why Dinty Moore is offensive to all creatures.

I stocked up on Campbells Pork & Beans because they were on sale this week, 5 for $2. Does that count as people food?

Or maybe he meant it in the "Soylent Green" interpretation of people food.

Well, that makes a Hell of a lot more sense. I thought there was something I was missing there, but logic was never my strong suit.

You're discounting the possibility that D-pad is a dog.

Well that's why I included the 700th rated strip part of the comment.

I tend to agree with you, and give way more 4s than I do 5s, but I found this strip hysterical--but it barely cracks the top 50% of comics in terms of rating.

For what it's worth, I laughed several times at this strip for a pretty good period of time. Totally a 5.

I guess another criteria I use for a 5 is whether I can show the strip to almost anyone I know (within a reasonable margin) and get an awesome response. A lot of the strips are only funny in the context of having read through the entire archive, but the real classics are the ones that can stand on their own.

Ray finds the concept of a fat Puerto Rican George Clooney to be a novelty? Has he never been exposed to Erik Estrada?

Chubby for Homesarr or however he spells it.

PROCLAMATION

I, Francis Xavier Kolb (and that is my real name), hereby vow to name my first-born child Doast Deef.

That is all.

that cannot be your real name do not lie to me.

I do not believe anything you have said here.

I'm pretty sure that name is out of compliance with the Awesome Letter Allotment. It clearly states an individual may only one Q, K, X, Z, or Y per name. This is why given and middle names are chosen, specifically to prevent this sort of thing. I hope your parents are aware they've committed a federal offense.

Way to hog all the good letters, man. I'm not playing name scrabble with you.

Is that why they killed Gary Gygax?

Virtual Chubby, it is not too soon.

It was never too soon.

Beef cannot tolerate children with Down's syndrome.

Is that a fact achewood? well I guess achewood said so, so it must be.

Beef says the mongoloids HAVE the children named desteny.

I did not wvwn know that people with Downe's Syndrome (a cheery bunch, really) were called Mongoloids by Americans. Like I never heard a person with Cerebral Palsy called a cripple until I went to California. Isn't a Mongoloid another nonsensical racial compartment from the 19th century like Caucasian, Negroid and Mongloid?

Is this what Disney World is really like? IS this what being an Avon lady is like? Hit me back, internet.

Disneyland is COMPLETELY like that, as of May last year. Velour tracksuits and three inches of make-up shovelling lard down their gullets, lining up to get wet.
Getting stuck on the Pirates ride for forty-five minutes as juddering animatronic mannequins mime 'A Pirate's LIfe For Me' continuously the entire time.

Being an Avon lady in Vegas? I'll ask my Mum, but I don't think she's been there.

Epcott center is less like that, but probably because it's about 1/20 as fun.

I would have to disagree.

We were poor when we went to Epcot. So my brother and I ended up playing Earthworm Jim the entire time while my dad "drank around the world".

I still think my severely underaged ass should've drove.

Avon ladies are people who set up impeccably decorated offices in crumbling storefronts and tell you within five minutes of meeting you that they are barren, which presumably is meant to foster an artificial sense of sympathetic sisterhood that will convince you to buy terrible makeup in a hateful mockery of entrepreneurship and feminist zeal. I don't know what being one of those is like, but that afternoon left me depressed for like a week.

I guess there isn't plenty of room for the rubber California. And you can't check it any time you like.

It does reek of colitas.

You have to watch it with those Disney souvenirs. They are ungainly. Especially when they are shaped like states.

I wonder how you say the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride is broken in Coptic? Also, I've honestly never been on a 10-hat vacation before. Knuckleheads vacations are a neat concept.

you could do unspeakable things with a big rubber Florida from Disney World.

unspeakable things...

So unspeakable that if you were to find out all of the terrible things, you would just start screaming, with no noise coming out of your mouth, all growing a fro as you do it.

see your avatar? i'm doing that right now. at your post.

In a good way?

a proud way.

Michigan too.

Yeah, but the ladies really seem to dig Big Rubber Massachusetts
[IMGS OFF]

Shaped like a Love Gun (cue Paul Stanley).

HEY-YO!

D: Massachusetts has herpes!

The word "trundle" is underused in modern speech. And I really like that word, so I credit Onstad for his humorous use of it.

where?

I knew a girl named Desteny in elementary school. Life probably didn't turn out so well for her. In fact, I'd put money down that her parents took her to Dollywood and just told her it was Disneyland.

'and that's a neat concept!'

gold

I have been to Disneyland at least twice (maybe thrice, I can't recall). But the one thing I remember in particular was when we went to the Hall of Presidents. My parents, my little brother, and my older half-sister were there with me; at the time my half-sister was probably in her early- to mid-teens; I was probably close to ten.

Anyway. They don't allow flash photography in the Hall of Presidents. My sister asked my dad why that was, and he told her that it was because the heat from the flashes could eventually melt the Presidential wax figures. I guess he must have kept a pretty straight face, because my sister pretty much believed it until she asked my mom about it later.

This is what I remember about Disneyland.

Wait, I don't get it... you mean that's not true? It sounds entirely plausible to me. Then again I was an English major, so plenty of things sound plausible to me.

Hey, I'm an easily convinced, naive English major too! High five!

N--no. It's not true.

Is most ridiculous idea, spoken by most sarcastic man.

And the wind is just the trees sneezing.

Calvin and Hobbes. High five!

Well I don't know about ya'll but us folks just loved our time at the Disneyland!

[IMGS OFF]

Vomit. Is SO good.
Is SO funny.

That ride is evil and those folks are having none of it.

their hit points took nineteen (19) turns to regain.

Yeah, but the experience gained caused them to level up, so their THACO was correspondingly higher. Next time, it'll be easier.

i love clits so much

god damn it

God DAMN you are one suave fucker!

And they appreciate it.

Your avatar:
"My God, it's made of Clits!"

I see you love clits. Well, I'm pretty in love with clits myself.

Sucks knows that Clit Men get the secret menu at the Waffle House. He's cold playin' that angle.

I'm sure that there would have been someone much more appreciative of an official Disney Fantasy Signature had it said "Dhilippe".

I haven't been to Disneyland since I was very, very young, but when I went to Disneyworld, my brother got scarlet fever. Scarlet fever. I didn't think people even got scarlet fever anymore.

Disney: Dispensing obsolete diseases to young children since God knows when.

I just thought of another alternative Roast Beef name: Toast Teef.

This is a better link hopefully. ;_(

Mad clever!

you avatar is scary to me.

Roast Beef's laugh-out-loud funny summation of the vacation in panel 9 is pretty much my description of Disney. Love it.

Four Stars!
- Bob Odante, Neighbourhood Watch Newsletter, Issue 412.

"A Magical Mousetery Bore!"
-Gene Shallots, NBC's The Today Show

Nice touch, noting Issue 412, farqussus... nice touch, indeed.

I believe this year is the third or fourth year of Disneyland's 60th anniversary.

Boring!

I went to Disneyland a couple years ago... it was fun seeing all the old animatronic stuff like the old Sleeping Beauty ride and the Tiki Room. It's good times. Apart from the flagrant and unchecked line-jumping and the fact that all the cool old stuff is getting phased out in favor of new crap (for instance, the Hall of Progress getting dumped) it was fun.

What kind of surprised me though was when I went to Main Street USA (way cheesier than I remember it being) and saw the old Mickey Mouse cartoons, like "Steamboat Willie"... It turns out Mickey Mouse is a real prick! Consider:

- He hoisted his girlfriend up onto a boat by snagging her underwear with a cargo crane
- He hit a cow's teeth with a couple of hammers
- He grabbed a cat by the neck in one hand, the tail in the other, and pulled. Repeatedly.

It's kind of shocking, when you're part of a culture that generally holds Mickey Mouse in high regard, to find that he's really an asshole.

There's also the fact that his appearance was pretty much based on black minstrel shows, but let's not talk about that.

Oh, let's do.

Sorry, I feel like I've disappointed you. I've actually been sitting here in front of my computer for the past 8 hours trying to think of something to say beyond simply restating the simple fact, but I just... can't. Wait, um... WALT DISNEY WAS A NAZI! There, how's that?

Yeah, I guess...I guess there's really not much else to say about it. Hm.

Mickey owned a dog named Pluto that acted like a dog. yet Goofy, who was also a dog, walked on two legs and talked and wore clothes.

That's because the character of Pluto was a subtle endorsement of slavery.

I see. Perhaps one could make a similar statement about Horace Horsecollar.

I mean, not only was he a black horse, he wore a horsecollar (which could be a symbol of slavery), but "horsecollar" was his name.

Quote:

...Pluto was a subtle endorsement of slavery.

Either you're joking or Ann Coulter was right about the radical liberalism of higher education.

Tell me you're joking.

It must be the former because Ann Coulter is always wrong about everything.

Why assume I've been higher edu-macated? I could just be one of those crazy homeless people who rants at you from the corner about aliens and government conspiracies. Then I go to the library and use the public computer to read Achewood and leave incendiary comments on the message board. Also I have a huge dong.

I'm just saying it's entirely plausible.

And really, there's no need to quote me if you're just two posts below. It seems kinda condescending. Plus without the context it looks like I could be saying that the former planet was endorsing slavery, WHICH IS TOTALLY TRUE BY THE WAY.

*ahem* I'm joking. Are we all satisfied?

I am always satisfied with jokes.

As far as the quotes - two things:

1. I love the quote feature. I use it for that reason.

2. What if twenty people reply to Tekende? In that case, that quote would save my message from looking like nonsense. This has happened to me and I like to guard against it.

On a side note, unless my memory deceives me (as is sometimes it's wont), I could swear that at I remember you mentioning being in college. I try to pay attention.

that was basically amazing

Your avatar is basically amazing. Black metal ist krieg!

Quick general question, nowhere is to put it:

I set my lame limit to 100 because I want to be able to see every comment and decide for myself if the comment is lame. I get the feeling a lot of others, if not the majority, have done the same.

What about the chubby to highlite ratio? I set mine at 20. 20 assures me that it's essentially a must read. What about you guys?

'nowhere to put it'...

...That's what SHE said!

But seriously folks, I set mine to 3, because really I have nothing better to do and I end up reading pretty much all of them anyway. But also, people are often too profligate with their chubbies and run out within a couple of hours, so someone may post a genius comment later on in the day and only get 5 chubbies or so. I keep mine at 3, but for you busy folks on the go 5 seems about right.

Also, just a heads up - there is actually at least one comment that went over 100 lames. It was somewhere during the baseball arc where someone dared to say they didn't like the Great Outdoor Fight. After that I tend to set mine at something ridiculously high so I never accidentally miss a similar debacle in the future.

Saying that you don't like the GOF on assetbar is tantamount to standing up during a Catholic mass to announce that you don't much care for the Virgin Mary. You can criticize some of the congregation's other beliefs and values, but the line has to be drawn somewhere.

Honestly, I really don't get it. It was such a non-representative story arc compared to the rest of Achewood, and there are just so many other funnier strips. There were some funny parts like the guy whose wife had a credit card problem, but overall the humor seemed more South Park than Achewood (long homage/parody of action movie cliches, etc.) Not to mention I think Ray gets way too much attention as it is compared to, say, Lyle. Maybe I'm missing something, but it just seems overhyped to me.

I'm guessing that this is the calm before the lame storm.

I keep mine at six. I don't really have a reason for this.

500 lames, 500 chubbies.

I see all.

15 is a must read for me -- because funny comments that come after many people have used their chubbies never hit 20.

Wait a second.

They live in California, but have to fly to Disneyland?

It's Ray. He doesn't have to do anything.

They live in NorCal. Disneyland's in SoCal. They could drive for like seven hours, or they could take a 45-minute plane flight.

If we had a high speed rail line, we could make the trip in an hour and a half. :-(

MONORAIL

with the cost of gas, it's not even that bad of a deal to just buy plane tickets. it also saves you from spending half your day on I-5, which is super. fuck I-5.

I have made the drive from Achewood (Palo Alto) to LA and back many times, and it is horrible. It is torture. The 5 is just miles and miles of fields, with nothing to keep you awake except for those seven zillion cows at Harris Ranch. And those keep you awake only with their fetid stench.

Man, at least there's Casa de Fruta. Hell of good pies, yo.

is Norcal and Socal Newspeak?

Norcal has always been at war with Socal.

That is a doubleplusungood assertion, mortshire. NorCal has never been at war with SoCal.

Crimethink!

no, those terms are not newspeak.

""the ninth edition is fantastic" Syme enthused, "We're obliterating thousands of words a day, just before lunch we removed north, south and california, after the two minutes hate I'm tasked with getting rid of "Greglicious", "Knuckleheads" and "Hella""

Eighteen virtual chubbies! You are added to my pantheon of heroes!

Goofy is considered a bad actor and not someone kids should like. his current job is A MAILMAN.

Goofy is the best thing that happened any of the Disney pantheon. He is the closest thing to consistently funny any of those no good bastards can hope for.

And just like a mailman, he always delivers.

....not true, he really sucks quite a bit. But less than the others, for sure. Still has nothing on even the worst characters WB has made, I'll grant you.

Who are the worst characters WB has made? WB's cartoons are so much better than Disney's. (I'm talking Looney Tunes vs. Disney shorts here, not feature films.)

I am prepared to say that the vast majority of Looney Toons/Merrie Melodies characters were shit. We all just remember the greats like Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Wile E. Coyote, etc.

Whoa. I had no idea there were so many.

Oh man. Panel 8 kills me. Not the fact that a fat puerto rican George Clooney was neat, but that it's an interesting concept. Celebrities of abnormal ethnicity.

All Asian Oprah, Black Robin Williams, Scottis Matt Damon.

Scott is NOT Matt Damon!

I'm terrible at onomatopoeia so forgive me but...

BA-BOOM BOOM TCH!

Hell, Scotty doesn't know.

It is such a great sadness that I know what you're referencing there, thegrayhoodie.

Why didn't Ray take Philippe to Disneyland? He is at that special aaaaage!

haha that IS true magic!

I feel like I need some verification that you can in fact buy rubber models of the states at Disneyland. For, shall we say... a project.

The dude that told them the ride was broken sounds like he looks like the dog whisperer Cesar Millan.

I dislike Disney. The eternally happy quality of the theme parks makes me gag.

Ray can have a good time anywhere. Beef really only likes space and Cheers bar replicas.

I wonder if money really can buy happiness...

Doast Deef?

Despite their claims, Disney is not the land of imagination.

Families imagine that they will have a really great time when they go there. But if the commercials showed a bunch of people paying $9 for hot dogs, getting heat stroke in a line and throwing up, leaving to find their car broken into then all coming down with the flu, it just wouldn't seem as magical.

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