The Pre-Nup

The Pre-Nup 06/05/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

The truth of the matter is, if teenage girls were any more irritating to Roast Beef, his body would attempt to form a pearlescent enamel casing around them.

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it's "The Humongous".

In the film, he's referred to as both "The Humungus" and "Lord Humungus" among other honorifics. In the credits, the spelling is "Humungus."

It is typically spelled "humungous" or "humongous" -- both being equally acceptable spellings.

I'M GONNA STRAIGHT UP PISTOLWHIP THE NEXT MOTHERFUCKER THAT DOES A FIRST POST OR IS THE FIRST TO RESPOND TO IT

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a message board. There are no posts...

The combination of that declaration and Ash readying his boomstick is Goddamn terrifying.

That declaration and the Joker clapping sarcastically? Not so much.

This has been an Icon Update.

jazz hose (documentation)

document 1
document 2
document 3 (indirect evidence)

Oh! That is truly the limit.

I mean basically they aren't people with feelings and such.

their termination is pretty much condoned and encouraged.

You guys have to admit, this was bound to happen at some point, and we were ill-prepared for the consequences.

I ain't gotsta worry 'bout no damn machine elves.

Someone was probably googling "1.21 jigawatts" and was pissed that my comment wasn't pertinent to their search.

"Well, take that friend. We'll see how much pop culture ephemera you post haphazardly on the internet next time."

Then he masturbated to some ant porn.

To quote the text:
"It was then she noticed at least 50 ants crawling in and around and on her moist panties."

I thought you meant like with two ants doin' it. This completely ruins my boner.

Tiniest Porn Ever!

"Woahhoahaho, what's that O2 molecule gonna do when it sees that Hydroge- - OH EW GROSS! What the- what the fuck IS that? I..."

2 oxygens, 1 hydrogen- the tiniest and also most disturbing porn ever.

not as bad as silicon or fluoride - one atom can take six of them comfortably!

Sulfur and uranium both form compounds with six fluorine atoms at once. Not sure about silicon though.

One atom can take six silicons or fluorines, not the other way around. E.G. Sulfur Hexafluoride.

In related news, one girl can take six cocks at once. It's true, I saw it in a video.

Sauce?

Also, what if the guys have like, three cocks each? Would that work? Cuz I have this cool surgery thing I could link on here again...

I hate when the nesting stops. I was commenting at c_dizzle, not at lux

Nothing i said was wrong, snidedk.

Silicon (and Ge, Sn, etc) can take 6 fluorines (or Cl or Br)..and not TOO comfortably, but definately not the other way around. And that is all. Lame this one too; as I agree that pretentious chemistry trivia doesn't really belong on assetbar. Achilleselbow has it right in the comment below.

But Hydrogen has a charge of -1, and Oxygen has a charge of 2. Two oxygens combining with one hydrogen, molecular or atomic, is impossible. Are you trying to destroy the laws of the universe, MrPoopytime?

Chubby for the effort, but if you're going to geek out in AssetBar, you're going to have to bring some furious science.

Actually, hydrogen is (plus sign)1 and oxygen is -2, but whatev.

Damn. You're right.

Also, how could AssetBar's plus-sign-phagia have slipped my mind. C'mon, charchar, stay in the game

I also thought he was referring to ant-on-ant action.
Is it weird that I would prefer that to the ants-on-girl action?

Is that weird?

No, man. It's as nature intended.

Nature intended for human beings to be aroused by the prospect of ants getting "it" on.

This is one of my favorites of yours

Lol. Ants don't have sex, they get born in eggs. (That) is probably Basic Science 101.

Ants don't have sex? My word, what a dolt. Never heard of the drones? The queen gets a lifetime supply of sperm from a drone (or two), and that's the only sex for the whole colony, but it's still sex.

Methinks pogo's ignoring of gladi8orrex has led him to misunderstand the nature of this thread.

God dammit fuck I want to chubby this.

Damn - I thought this was about aunt on aunt action.
Ohhhhhh.

So someone was searching for 1.21 gigawatts worth of ant porn, found your comment, made a grrrrr face, registered on assetbar just to lame it, then scuttled off like a thief into the night.

whiteturtle, your friends think you are just blaming other people for your problems.

it is soooooo much easier than actually dealing with them

You pulled out of that dive so hard the controls snapped off the column.
...holy shit is that a mountain?

better find the life raft.

Damn loneal the machine elves attacked that post viciously.

Ooh lurkers, its funny how you don't matter.

Go ahead and shower me with lames from your vindictive, thick little fingers. Imagining the impotent fury coursing through your subhuman, mongoloid brains is better than any chubby, any day of the week.

I dunno, dude, hedonismbot fared completely differently. He got chubbied twice and lamed zero times down there for calling the machine elves "trolling assholes" that are "the cancer that is killing Assetbar." Maybe you will get chubbied, too! You can never tell with these machine elves!

Confidential to mjfitzge: I am extremely sorry for obliquely acknowledging lames I received after someone else mentioned them please lame this comment

as long as you promise me that you are only discussing lames for conversational purposes and not because it hurts you to receive them, i will hold back from laming you.

anyway, i don't lame much anymore. i used to lame a lot, but it didn't fill the void in myself i was hoping it would...

oh no now i am talking about lames. was this a trap?

I never understood this kind of reasoning. Are you saying that you like hurting people?

oh if you are talking about my "fill the void" comment, i was just making a joke referencing the supposed thrill one might receive by virtually slapping someone in the face with a lame.

and no i don't like hurting people at all. in fact, if i ever thought my lames were hurting someone, i would stop laming them immediately.

This is because I put out. If you gave it away for free more, you would have more respect from the peanut gallery.

Beef doing DMT would make for an interesting blog.

But, think about it from the point of view of the machine elf. It's the most under-appreciated job in the world and you have to live inside a machine. We grew up in desktops, sure, but now we've all been forced to move into laptops. My brother just got evicted, and now he's in a Macbook Air. He says that every time he sneezes, he smacks his head against the power supply and it knocks him out for like an hour.

Plus, property values for Macs are off the charts right now. It's a total bubble. My cousin couldn't get a lease in a friggin' iPod Nano for less than 1200 a month. Absolutely ridiculous out there.

hella v-chub whiteturtle

From Wikipedia (Machine Elves):
"here's a whole bunch of entities waiting on the other side, saying "How wonderful that you're here! You come so rarely! We're so delighted to see you!"

They're like jewelled self-dribbling basketballs and there are many of them and they come pounding toward you and they will stop in front of you and vibrate, but then they do a very disconcerting thing, which is they jump into your body and then they jump back out again and the whole thing is going on in a high-speed mode where you're being presented with thousands of details per second and you can't get a hold on [them ...] and these things are saying "Don't abandon yourself to amazement", which is exactly what you want to do. You want to go nuts with how crazy this is, and they say "Don't do that. Pay attention to what we're doing".

What they're doing is making objects with their voices, singing structures into existence. They offer things to you, saying "Look at this! Look at this!" and as your attention goes towards these objects you realise that what you're being shown is impossible. It's not simply intricate, beautiful and hard to manufacture, it's impossible to make these things. The nearest analogy would be the Faberge' eggs, but these things are like the toys that are scattered around the nursery inside a U.F.O., celestial toys, and the toys themselves appear to be somehow alive and can sing other objects into existence, so what's happening is this proliferation of elf gifts, which are moving around singing, and they are saying "Do what we are doing" and they are very insistent, ans they say "Do it! Do it! Do it!" and you feel like a bubble inside your body beginning to move up toward your mouth, and when it comes out it isn't sound, it's vision. You discover that you can pump "stuff" out of your mouth by singing, and they're urging you to do this. They say "That's it! That's it! Keep doing it!".

We're now at minute 4.5 [of the trip] and you speak in a kind of glossolalia. There is a spontaneous outpouring of syntax unaccompanied by what is normally called "meaning". After a minute or so of this the whole thing begins to collapse in on itself and they begin to physically move away from you. Usually their final shot is that they wave goodbye and say "Deja vu! Deja vu!".

Can I buy drugs from you?

A) people don't lame you when you are an asshole because they believe you to be hot. This is the problem with having your face exposed on the webs. I GET these asshole-lames because of hedonismbotsshinybareass.com, so I understand.

B) There are trolling assholes who control the lame supply. They don't post, they don't have a sense of humor. They are the cancer that is killing Assetbar.

C) Don't tell me you go the machine elves thing from a webcomic. If you did, you are painfully nerdy for reading that one. Painful.

i think i might start laming you just because it seems like once a week you make a post complaining about being lamed.

Oh, It's Already Been Broughten!

I went to this website and was sorely disappointed that it did not exist.

The good news is that the site is down for upkeep. The bad news is that you are now on a FBI watchlist.

More like CAN'TCER. I stole that from Mr. Rowland so blame him.

I will blame you.

You know, I try to use the M'Kraan crystal excuse to explain away things in my basic life. Doesn't work.

"The_Voice, where's that report I asked you for on Monday?"

"Well, Mr. Burlingame, I started compiling the data, but it caused a hairline fracture in crystal that is the nexus of all realities? Yeah, I know. It turns out, that if you want to fix the crystal you have to fight a series of robot guardians, each one exponentially more powerful than the last. The rulers of an intergalactic civilization descended from birds helped me out, and we got it fixed, but in doing so we kind of erased the report from existence. Well, technically, it's still around, but it is evil now and is genetically manipulating Excel spreadsheets in a sewer somewhere. I know! Tell me about it. I'm sure we haven't heard the last of it. I'll try to wrap that up by Monday."

general office sounds

"You're fired."

"Yeah, the Shi'ar told me you would say that."

Imagine being the editor who had to decide that you were going to let that go ahead. Shitting bricks.

So, Claremont, you've basically saved our whole X-Men franchise here. Thanks for that by the way. About this next story arc though. Just...so...uh...bird people? In space? With a...what is this anyway...magic crystal? And it controls what? Oh lord. And this is all in space? Way out in space. Huh. Right. So uh the sentinels you're done with? We can't just...I don't know. Wolverine can't just maybe fight some more robots for a while? No? Bird People? Bird people. Sure.

You guys are my new favorites. Where were you when I was exlpaining new Marvel movies last week?

In space.

I'd prefer an astronaut. (no I'm not a girl)

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

It's a rare thing to find an internet person denying that he/she is female.

It was the smart move on his part. You find someone online who enjoys the rare combination of Achewood and Hum and you don't make it clear to them that they can't put their parts in your parts and you're asking for a world of stalker trouble.

I might be wrong, but I think someone went through all my posts and lamed them in response to the discussion about machine elves, but got bored with it halfway through the page.

If you are going to kill a man be sure to finish the job

BLAM!

I keep Chubbies for just such an occasion.

Don't talk about getting lamed, it makes mjfitzge upset.

is so lol

CHRIS ONSTAD STOLE MY SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT IDEA

SHIT! NOW I GOTTA MAKE ONE OF THOSE STUPID VOLCANOS...

I find this in incredibly poor taste. A baking soda volcano killed my pet ferret.

For shame.

Every comic!

My ferret died of heartache.

[IMGS OFF]

What we need more of is science fair projects.

What we need more of is comics like these. I like seeing the minor characters, and the wedding gives us a reason to see all of them together. Furthermore, I love hearing their takes on the wedding. I want to hear Todd's and Emeril's.

Who the hell said Teodor was a minor character?

Vlad owned a goddamn Subway! Totally not a minor character.

Despite my propensity for buttsex, I will not fuck the cats up their stupid asses.

You, uh, want to get a coffee or something?

I always feel like you post just too late for one of my chubbies. But if you would like an alternate chubby, meet me at the normal place

I'll bring the corn starch

D...Dad?

OH CHRIST ALMIGHTY NOT WANTON GRATUITOUS VULGARITY!

Dear lord spare me from that awful wanton gratuitous vulgarity

Fuckin' A.

A fucking excuse to curse the balls of a homophobic walrus... all sucking his cock till it's sore and oozing like a vaginal wart during menstruation? What the fuck!

A "fucking" excuse.

They have such stupid asses. Dumb cheeks. RIDICULOUS BOWEL EXITWAYS

FRIVOLOUS RECTUMS

A virtual Chub for your wonderful use of capitalisation and wording.

This...this isn't Garfield at all, is it?

Thank God.. I was worried I had run out of chubbies!....

Don't laugh it's a very serious genetic disorder... right up there with my spastic colon.

At first I thought you meant you wanted to hear minor characters' takes on Todd and Emeril's wedding. Now that would be a plotline! They do live in California, after all...

Fuck that cowardly ellipsis! Say what you mean:
Todd and Emeril should have butt sex.
I am serious about this.

5 for alt text alone

making sexies on top of the babysitter is what broke up my marriage. but she was pretty nubile.

I'm competing in a triathlon tomorrow, and the teenage girl swimming for my team is best described as nubile. I am less so.

Team? But if each person is only doing one leg of the race, aren't you just participating in an athlon?

Mayhaps...next year, I'll likely compete in all events, and rightfully earn the appropriate prefix.

There's no point in even entering that contest because Pentium will win.

They always fuckin win.

If she's as nubile as you say, you might want to form a different sort of team with her

a Death team.

Wait, what?

I think hedonismbot was meaning a sex team

ITYM "The team with two backs."

man oh man. when i hear 'nubile' i think 'malleable.' not at all sexy; all wondering how much shear force those poor ladies can take before they're cleft in twain.

this is why i can't have good connotations.

Nubile = marriageable. Why the hell do you think malleable?

Well, nubile usually does incorporate malleable in both senses... suggestible AND flexible.

maybe he's thinking of "ductile"

Mostly what I look for in a woman is conductivity.

I prefer to be able to pound her into thin sheets.

Heyo!

Indeed!

Frankly if your girl is ductile, she'll just end up as a spool of wire around your wang as you stretch her. Not cool. Go for malleable girls every day of the week.

What you need is elasticity. She gotta be able to restore her original shape when deformed.

*gymnast!*

If you find a girl with a high yield strength she won't deform in the first place. But girls like that tend to be brittle.

i think all girls are basically brittle

They are made of glass and smell of burnt pinecones. Their hair tastes like matted straw and their voice is a window looking into an unfurnished room where an infant smashes a cantaloupe with a hammer.

i forgive you for not liking girls. but the republicans don't.

i like girls, but i don't

it's complicated

i feel needlessly complicated

American Teen Somehow Developing Unhealthy Attitude Toward Sex

That has to be the best onion article I've ever read.

maybe you are quenching their thirst prematurely

chubby because this is true

and also because I think I feel needlessly complicated in the same way that you do.

would it be at all in bad taste or too telling of my thought processes if i admit to having thought "is he talking about a va-jeen!?" immediately when i read this?

1 lame for the crass. 1 chubby for the avatar.

actually, i'm too nice to give you a lame. you get off with a warning.

Best comment ever, I see many chubbies in your future.
Wait, what?

My favorite physical property. Thanks for that.

I am this close to making an infantile joke about cleavage being rock hard...

Fuckin' geology.

SHEAR FORCE: Teenage Malleable Nubile Sheep

BEAUTIFUL avatar

wait...who? are you talking about the jacked up tits?

duskbringer replied to a post about tits with an avatar of... tits. It worked for me. What avatar did you think?

i thought as much. scrolling up the page didn't reveal any other avatar that I thought the word beautiful would apply toward. but then again assetbar has a way of jumbling up posts and replies that can cause confusion.

this is very true.

better than my gut-reaction, thinking of 'nubile' as having something to do with nudity and pubic hair

NO, Do not back out now. What is the talent.

I have decided that gladi8orrex is no longer cool. Let us move onto the next humourous incongruity that Assetbar throws our way.

i don't know why, but every time i read a new strip i get a little worried that he's gonna be gone.

How did you get Volmer out of Vlad?

Vladimir -> Voldmer

-> "He Who Shall Not Be Named"

y/y?

Please refer to the chart of Acceptable Cultural References.

Hmph. If I hadn't been all "where is edwell when you really need him?" that chart never would have come into being. And now you're sassing me about it.

(It is okay achilleselbow I could never stay mad at you.)

Why do you make me do this to you, usversusthem?

Edwell = "He Who Shall Not Be Lamed"

Okay I have to pay that one. That's awesome.

[IMGS OFF]

Yea I've always wondered where that one lame came from. I like to think of it as being akin to the bodily nature of Christ, a reminder to us that Edwell shares in our flawed humanity at the same time that he transcends it.

Well, you know, KNOW, someone out there would lame a picture of Adriana Lima on the beach emerging naked from the surf on a half shell like Botticelli's Venus.

"Don't like it...cherubs are overdone...too much blonde hair...damn Italian Renaissance".

My aunt died when she went off her meds and tried to be the Little Mermaid. This isn't funny.

Edwell, Doc Rostov is gunning for your spot. And he just might get it!

Didn't I make this comment, like, two days ago?

Subconcious theft is a big part of my personality.

Also, concious theft.

I wish I hadn't used all of my chubbies already. But I mean, come on, there are so many great comments on this page!

Damn, that's a straight-up youtube comment.

needs a little more "BUSH DID 9-11" to be a straight-up youtube comment or maybe some "REPOST THIS 2843863 TIMES OR YOUR DOG WILL DIE"

Crap man, why'd you have to say that? You know I always have to take those things seriously.

I had stuff to do this week-end!

Lucky for me, my dog's already dead.

Baking soda volcano. Different one.

[IMGS OFF]

Is worst photoshoppink. On slowest computer.

And not workink first tryk.

[IMGS OFF]

If not work, I will hangk self.

Is indeed worst.

[IMGS OFF]
Voldmer

I don't get it. Was that Ralph Fiennes?

Yez.

That's terrifying. You need to be shot for creating something like that.

Why thank you

is indeed worse.

I laffink, not knowink what stinky photo mess even is!

Is worst picture in crappiest post.

Please, show us your impressive talent. I am on the edge of my seat right now wondering what kind of talent gladi8orrex could possibly have.

Also I'm pretty sure that you just said beef was so poor he had to prostitute molly.

but...but I always say thank you and sorry.
at the exact moment.
always.

My usual move is to demand an apology.

More like "You're welcome."

I'm usually more like "what the fuck is wrong with me, goddammit."

what does it sound like when you say those at the exact same time? tshaonrk ryoy[i]u[i/]

fucking hell monkeyballs asscunt.

This might be too much to ask, but can I get a photoshop of this sentence?

My ex always used to say "sorry". It was just the worst damn thing.

You mean you let him get away? I can't imagine**...

**Note: I can imagine.

Man, you can't help saying sorry. You already feel like the grossest of fellows and that you defile a lady with your mere presence, and then she actually lets you go inside her and make squirtles and you feel like you just don't deserve this at all.

[IMGS OFF]

Ironically, Squirtle is my favourite Pokemon.

I always detected a trace of malevolence in its deep, red eyes.

Plus it shoots those fucking lasers at you in Super Smash Bros.

Bulbasaur has more evil eyes than Squirtle.

[IMGS OFF]

I mean, damn.

Nothing compared to Pikachu. The pokemon that has the power to give you a seizure.

thought pica chu was deh poke man who ate had the power to eat things thot werent food.

I have that power too. It's a pretty crappy power, unless it includes the power not to shit horribly afterwards.

Actually, that's Porygon. See also: Pokemon episode "Electric Soldier Porygon".

Professor Hazard man,

Come on...

Wait, I just looked up "Electric Soldier Porygon." Did snopes actually not check its facts?

Nope, they got it right.

"Pikachu uses a Thunderbolt attack on the vaccine (causing the flashing red and blue lights that caused the seizures}, and the group and Team Rocket are able to escape the computer."

Like not knowing that Earendil was an actual Tolkien character, I think I actually come out ahead on this one for being less right about a thing.

[IMGS OFF]

Am I late for the thread guys?

I intended this.

Marry me.

Also:

[IMGS OFF]

Lapras.

Fuck yes.

Wild.

pthhh sorry how about saying 'your welcome'

I'm paraphrasing ray here.....

I really hate your avataricon. It reminds me that sheep and goats are the weirdest of all mammals.

You'd better have a good reason for classifying them as weirder than platypuses, or you'll lose all credibility regarding anything you say in the future ever.

For starters, platypuses are weirdly divergent from mammals in lots of ways, so it's not a fair comparison.

Most importantly, look in their eyes.

Genetic Scientists Develop Sheep With Brain Of A Goat

What about when they crossed goats and spiders?

Lawbot - their eyes strike fear into my heart, but horses have the same sideways rectangular pupil thing going on. Also I do not know what a platypus's eyes look like. They could have messages from Satan written in mirror script in them for all I know.

Sure, but that's still less terrifying than a sheep's eye.

I'm sorry you don't like my avatar..... I guess I should try not to remind ppl about goats... sorry.

oh ohhh ohhh man ohhhhSORRYohgodTHANKS

Pro, dang it.

Dang it.

Proinsias

It's a shame that no one will appreciate the goddamn beauty of what I did there.

Don't worry, your efforts have not gone unchubbied.

But the idea of Cassidy apologising and thanking someone after sex just isn't kosher.

Whoops I thought de Rossa at first, what is wrong with me?

I'll come clean: I often tend to find the "Beef has anxiety and problems oh GEEZ MAN" strips a tad repetitive, but the "sorry/thanks" clusterfuck of psycho-sexual baggage made this one an instant classic for me.

That is some of my favorite alt text ever.

"Please just wait ten minutes it only takes me ten minutes to go again"

"That was my warm up it's not that big of a deal when you know it's just my warm up"

What the fuck is Vlad wearing?

Very little. You can get away with that when you're a robot.

THE JAZZ HOSE

MISTER DRACULA

LORD DESTROYER

AND MY AXE

I chubbied you for this again, but I am going to try my best to not do it tomorrow

Don't worry, gouldgonewild. Perhaps tomorrow someone will post a multisyllabic word ending with -es, so I can ask about the news from the north.

Man, I want some running comment gags. Help me out here. Maybe I could say "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH" whenever someone asks something

Your running comment gag could be ruining other potential comment gags, e.g.:

Citizen: "What's that bump on Roast Beef's head? Is that a tumor?"
GouldGoneWild: "you can't handle the truth!"

Citizen: "blah blah blah i am a liberal arts major posting on assetbar blah blah euripides blah"
GouldGoneWild: "I'll never let go, Euripides! You had me at hello!"

Hahaha, not a bad idea, sir.
Whenever anyone quotes the same old tired Achewood quotes, I am just going to quote Ctl-Alt-Delete. I will have so many lames, it will take a million chubbies to get me out

Liebot, what is the saddest thing?

Grandma told me to keep up the good work, but I don't even have a job!

Oh god, up yours Family Circus.

My feelings towards this idea are pro.

I'd like to point out that I used the word receptacles yesterday, and not a damn person asked how things were hanging up north. NOT A DAMN ONE!

Damn, sorry man. I would have been all over that, but after a certain point I have to hire a little Honduran kid to read a comic's comments for me, and he's not really trained for all the nuances yet.

Nuances! What news from the north?

I did it with "pinnacles" a couple strips ago. These things are hard to catch given how common that plural form is.

I always thought it had to end sounding '-ees' so Klitoridees is a yes, but Pinnakuls is a no (phonetic spelling)

Well, part of the joke in that case is that you're forcing an obviously incorrect pronunciation in order to make the reference.

And now it'll never be funny again.

All in a day's work!

i think of FOtC when i see this line.

seconded.

That damn Figwit.

So do I, but then I do get most of what I know about LotR secondhand from their various bits about it. Likewise, pretty much all my knowledge of New Zealand pre-FotC was directly related to Peter Jackson's other movies. I understand Kiwi blood is very orange and spurty.

...and if bits of their skull peel back to reveal brain, a top hat can keep them from convulsing on a roadside.

We'll never make it! There's thousands of them and only nine of us!

...Oh! We made it!

favorite part of that song.

You have my axe.

FUCK. NO.

oh my god you are just sucking on that lollipop like it is the best goddamn thing in the world. You love mediocrity, don't you? You are like the Salieri of being the second one to post a LotR reference two days in a row. God mocks your passion.

So I'm walking around the streets of Houston...

[IMGS OFF]
F. Murray Abraham aproves, we have a new Patron Saint of Mediocrity.

He has been beaten to it.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=42096091

Stupid link got ate
So consult the sagacious google
'Patron Saint of Mediocrity'

I'm Feeling Lucky: Mediocrity

Looks like Ben Kingsley.

I'm... I'm sorry, daidai. I love your giant face in your tiny window, but your current level of fail moves my heart and my bowel.

Next time I'll call you on the phone to let you know that it's safe for you to pledge your axe to the cause.

Vlad uses the best euphemisms for sex ever in this comic.

It makes me want to take my meat dildo out for some hot porky cha-cha.

Man, Onstad is really making us wait to find out about the whole Teodor and Molly thing - never before in my life have I so much not wanted a teddy bear to sleep with an undead cat

It is a one shot I think - more to point out a facet of human nature than to create a point of tension. Molly is not like that and Teo would kill (unstuff?) himself.

yeah, I figured that might be the case, but I suppose I was hoping otherwise. I've been forced to watch too many hispanic soap operas of late by my wife, and they are kind of corrupting my expectations of everything. On a related note, I also now think that every relationship is based on one person fooling the other to get their money, and that everyone will get cancer JUST when it looks like things are finally going their way.

I suspect that hispanic soap operas are far more damaging to one's psyche when one doesn't speak Spanish. I don't speak Spanish, but I can't imagine those soap operas getting any worse if I did.

Yeah, I think it's the little unresolved twinges of doubt that make the whole arc ring tr--HOLY CHRIST IS THAT AN ALIVE STUFFED ANIMAL

YES

ladies and gentlemen

HOT PORKY CHACHA AND THE JAZZ HOSES

I hear they opened for Third Base With A Schnauzer back in Pittsburgh.

I heard they will be headlining Glastonbury next year, Hot Porky Chacha and the Jazz hoses, that is.

Didn't they go on tour with Haunted Hamburger and the Grammar Mavericks?

Beats me, but I loved the split they did with The Assetbar Phrase Removed From Context Which Would Prove an Amusing Band Name.

I was about to put together a Photoshop of Louis Armstrong with a penis for a trumpet but then I realized

*~* Black America's feelings on such an asset would be: Con *~*

I hope the rest of you guys are paying attention.

I can assure you that Black America would not be the only ones with a con feeling toward Satchmo playing the jazz hose.

Yeah, like black people read achewood or even use the internet.

Oh shit, hey falseprophet, whats up

I am at a loss as to which of these comments to chubby, so I'll just sit here and giggle instead.

To be honest, if I find black people on my internet, I will not assume they are somehow stealing it. I will instead simply ask them if they'd like to come in for some coffee.

"How do you take it? Wait, wait, don't tell me...black, right?"

No no. Then english approach is.

'Coffee?
Milk?
Sugar?'

None of this taking it black/white/frothy/with semen in

"Do you like it black, or are you down with the swirl?"

"D... Do you take it... mixed race?"

"Uh, hey Falsepropet! 'Sup? Homie!"

When I was 14, I wrote a Dragonball Z fanfic where I had Kurilin wish for hair so he could woo Android No. 18. In addition to the hair, he got a new wardrobe, sunglasses, and tested his 'cool' by going up to teenagers and saying "Up home, wordies!"

"Did someone just say "Weeaboo"? 'Cause I think I heard someone say "weeaboo!""

That's a paddlin'.

WEEABOO! WEEABOO!

Satch was more of a laxative man

I think that Onstad is getting all of this stuff about infidelity and cheating out of the way now. After they're officially married, there's little chance that anything will happen, 'cause, well, we've had about a month of strips about it.

That, or it'll be really obvious foreshadowing.

I think you are hitting the nail on the head. It is often when I am watchink a comedy-plot movie I am thinkink 'Well how cute the characters they are makink plans but in my heart I am knowink that [i]God laughs at such arrogance[/i.]' Such is the writing of the great Nabokov, such is life.

Assetbar is runny omelette made with stinkiest cheese.

It could be said that the deep irony of fucking up bbcode on the phrase "god laughs at such arrogance" is far, far more hilarious than your italics would have been. Chubbied for transcendental meaning.

how metameta

in the Queen's BB Code, the period is inside the brackets.

Glyc I'm giving you a chubby but you should know its basically the equivalent of giving a retarded cild a smiley face for coloring marginally in the lines. But if I get further down the page and see you've took a shit in our living room again I am going to be super pissed at you.

LOLing *snort snort* yes maybe I has bad asset manners sometimes. still I will take this chubby and show to my shrink it is maybe evidence that the medication is starting to wok

Someone should definitely open a pan-Asian restaurant called For Those About to Wok.

Theoretical Boner (Virtual Chubby)

I can't speak for anyone else, but I for one salute you.

They could be sponsored by WANG computers...

Jesus Christ, you Samoans are all the same. You have no faith in the essential decency of the white man's ~~culture~~ posting system.

For some reason my initial impulse was to respond to this with thoughtful commentary on the role of fate in Nabokov's novels, particularly Lolita.

Then I realized that I am so firmly, irrevocably entrenched in academia that nothing in life will ever be fun for me again.

Plus I got depression.

I been there man. I been there.

To be honest, when I was in high school and I discovered that books could have Layers Of Meaning Below The Surface I likened deconstruction to a challenging mindteaser, which reinvigorated the fun of reading and reading-for-subtext in me. When my college roommates decided that a fun pastime would be to rent the worst B-movies imaginable and try to MST3K them without the assistance of trained professionals, I sharpened my skills with highfalutin postmodern readings, often to their great annoyance.

It was my revenge for their making me miss The Daily Show.

What do you think are the chances of Molly having a miscarriage?

why did you think of that though
why would you think of that

Ctrl-Alt-Del is exploring new realms of suck (same as the old realms of suck, to paraphrase Daltrey/Townshend) these days.

BAD WEBCOMIC SPOILERS IN LINK:
http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/news.php?i=1636

The one time Tim Buckley made a comic with no dialogue, and he makes up for it with a 3 page news post.

I feel bad for people that follow mediocre web comics because they like the genre of web comics.

If you're going to follow something crappy, at least make it atrocious beyond belief.

CRIVENS! That is just fucking awful, luckily the unicorn link didn't work, but still... fuck... just... fuuuck.

trying it again, its not as obviously bad as the first one and I'm not looking through it to find an example of its terror, but its getting there.

http://www.unicornjelly.com/uni001c.html

Also, if you would like an open forum to discuss the majesty of either of these fine works of comic literature and the stories behind their illustrious creators you can find one here and here. Please keep in mind that actually posting about either Boston and Shaun or Unicorn Jelly will get you eviscerated by the trolls on this forum, since both those comics have been unupdated for a few years.

ok fuck that didnt work.

here,

http://friends.portalofevil.com/sfs.php?fi=000016856

and here,

http://friends.portalofevil.com/sfs.php?si=3&fi=000012454

The more links you post and the more we learn about your web interests outside of Achewood, the more disturbing my mental image of you becomes.

I must concur. I thought my tastes veered toward shocking, but I thank the patron saint of mediocrity, Tim, that my devoted following of CAD is not such a disgusting little secret after all.

In other news, I read QC...... And OOTS...

I'll just leave now.

aaaa why

I read OotS too.

yay, let us now proceed to write essays on how V is obviously a boy. (lack of emotion, scary voice, ideas that verge on stupid), Elan is a bisexual space slut, and Roy really should get a life.

thot V meant five. guezz i wuz wrong an V is scary voice on verge of lock on emotians

I also read OotS and other, more terrible comics i will not admit to here. I like to pretend that this is ok because i always check achewood first.

Will someone tell me what the hell OotS is?

Oh, Order of the Stick, nevermind. Goddamn kids and their newfangled internet lingo...*wanders off*

I tracked this discussion down because I just realized that the voice my head uses for Belkar is the same voice it uses for Calvin from "Calvin and Hobbes"

LOFL @ PICTUR

Laughing On Floor Laughing?
Department of Redundancy Department?

Yea, laughing on floor laughing.

DORD indeed...

Haha, yes! Please express your feelings also on that one where all the furries are in hell fucking each other with giant mutant cocks; also Sabrina and that guy who wrote the revenge comic where his squat little illustrated self stabs various people from the forum. Not quite Unicorn Jelly's far grander retaliation of creating a POE-inspired character whose children do not love her, but still.

I think this is the one you wanted.

or this.

I just read the entire archives of this, and the ending made me really sad. People, do not waste four hours reading the entire archives of this!

This makes [i[me[/i] sad. Four hours you won't get back, a regret that will stay with you forEVER!

You actually read more than one? And it made you feel an emotion besides disgust?

YearsInHotClaws eyes you cautiously.

What the hell kinda name is that, anyways. Has this been addressed?

I think we should probably make a point of letting every Assetbar member give the backstory to their name. It'll probably end up like some kind of pop-culture reference circle jerk, but that's a chance that I for one am willing to take.

Well, you first. Is it true you love kate?

Were there 130 cat grls before you?

Why do you feel so threatened by "them"?

How did you lose your i, and why haven't you replaced it with a glass i, or covered it with an i patch?

Seeing as we've overwhelmed the nesting abilities of Assetbar, I feel the need to resort to blog-comment-style @'ing:
@professorhazard:
First of all, I can't for the life of me figure out what this post is referring to.
Second, is your self-bestowed title of "professor" really just a youthful nickname, or is it actually a. an attempt to be respected by the students at cryptozoology school, b. an ironic commentary on the way the academic establishment dismisses your chosen discipline and attempts to stifle your science?

Wow, nice deductive reasoning, earendil! The truth is a combination of all those reasons.

My post, by the way, is in reference to the missing "i" in the word "catgrl".

As for you... what's it like being the biggest-eared elf in Middle-Earth? For that is the imagery your name calls to mind for me.

Forsooth, ask Earendil, for his ears doth catch all sound. Snicker.

You could do a lot worse for a name, if you were an elf. Celeborn, for instance, was also known by the name of Teleporno.

My inner Tolkien nerd (who is not really very 'inner') feels the need to inform you guys that Earendil is an actual character from The Silmarillion who is called the seafarer and is kind of similar to Helios because he sailed across the sky with the morning star. I'm gonna go get fat now.

I'm so glad I didn't know this.

achilleselbow,

[IMGS OFF]

I dunno about you, but I would actively work towards GETTING a name like "Teleporno".

Especially if I could teleport, and was a rapist.

I work in an iron foundry and my name is Dave. What of it?

moryp caina
pyrom aniac

I'm not a pyromaniac, but for some reason I did that with the words.

Not sure if you're talking about my name but its taken from Nova Express, by Burroughs.

"Like 3000 years in hot claws at the window..."

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT CLICK THAT FIRST LINK YOU CANNOT UNSEE THINGS.

Seriously. I deleted most of my webcomic links recently. It's like the artists think that just because they made something kind of funny a long time ago, are a fairly common name in the genre, and engage in mutual wankfests with their communes/conventions/collectives, we'll all keep clicking "just to see what happens next". The PBF guy was the only one smart enough to realize that not even he could make something good every week, let alone every day. Even Pictures for Sad Children has been sucking since the wedding story arc started. Besides Achewood, the best comics are the absurd ones with no continuity like qwantz or White Ninja because at least there's no way for the artists to turn them into a mundane blog of some douche's daily events.

I feel really nerdy now...someone hold me.

I mean, this is a problem with comics as a genre, when you think about it. It's worse in syndication. Artists coast for years in syndication, because if the newspapers dare try and pull something like Marmaduke, Blondie, Garfield, you name it, they get bombarded with letters by hundreds of angry readers. They all want to know why this or that shitty comic is no longer in the paper. Webcomics, the good and bad ones, at least represent a chance of escaping that fucked up system.

Garfield Minus Garfield is quite good.

Internet law #357:

Whenever the shittiness of Garfield is mentioned, someone will bring up Lasagna Cat or Garfield minus Garfield or one of those other halfway-interesting things that do not come close to making up for the horror that Jim Davis has foisted onto american culture.

Do not pretend that it is OK for Garfield to exist, people. Jim Davis should be shot. You know this

Oh but now I want to know what Lasagna Cat is...

Tributes to garfield comics, with live action versions of the strips and music.

I always wonder why people read shitty comics. Inertia? Vested interest? Furries need to learn that just because they live a certain lifestyle doesn't mean they have to pander to bad art and stupid people. For real.

It's inertia.

Artists can coast on their shite, so why shouldn't they? This is why Bill Waterson is a man to be respected.

Chubby this man for speaking truth

Straight up. I wish Watterson would do something again.

He diddles his wife daily. Just doesn't make comics about it.

Remember Gary Larson used to be banned from drawing outhouses IN ANY SITUATION. And got letters from Amnesty every time he drew a medieval torture chamber. This one time, he drew a dog that had succeeded in catching a car and was howling victoriously. People thought the dog was fucking the car and went crazy. FUCKING IT. People are twisted in their little heads.

On the subject of webcomics that burned out rather than fading away... don't forget A Lesson Is Learned But the Damage Is Irreversible. God damn do I love that comic.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH...

Sorry, I prefer Yelling Batman to Screaming Bateman.

B^U

Exactly.

7 out of 10 agree this is the most horrible comment.

12 out of 15 agree that this is the most horrible avatar.

I am one of the minority on that subject then.

high fives!

You may have thought yourself brilliant, changing your avatar to make i_love_kate look the fool, but we all see through your chicanery. It is you who looks the fool in the end.

what was his avatar before the lady, i have to know.

it was the guy from Aphex Twin, which it still is, but now betitted.
[IMGS OFF]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

More accurately the guy who is Aphex Twin.

Come to daddy!

oh yes inquiring minds and all:
[IMGS OFF]

this was the previous one.

come on do you like 2 eat pizza

Wait... 80% of people hate breasts? or has it changed?

Shit it's the cover of an unpopular album.

My left nut for a delete feature.

What is even the difference between miscarriage and stillbirth. Except, of course, that one would be marginally more acceptable as a Finnish black metal band name.

A miscarriage doesn't happen at time of birth, necessarily, I think.

Not being able to lame you is like the mental equivalent of blue balls.

I just ignored him, now I don't notice that I can't lame him. I don't even know who you are unable to lame, and I am a happier person for it.

Man you are like some lame Internet necromancer, all bringin' subjects alive that no one else wants to talk about.

I cannot lame, and as such, have confronted my own humanity.

Note: Glyc knows nothing of the "female experience" pass it on

bix, you are a female. Tell us about how Britney Spears speaks to the feamle experinece. Or Mariyln Monroe or some such. Danka

There's nothing wrong with you. Wangs are ugly, ugly things and the female form is beautiful.

hello... most women like wangs quite a lot.

Oh, yeah. I like them. They're just ugly.

I disagree... I think they are pretty. Especially mine. wow. that's awesome. Thanks hellofditties. You helped bring out the gay in me. All it took was I had to be provoked into disagreeing!

Look, I think the dongle is one of nature's great retarded art projects, but if you compare it to the proper analogue, the yawning vajayjay, it seems pretty normal. I don't have my anti-feminist club on me, so I won't detail the ways, but the ole kooky chasm is far from high art. Genitals are just ugly, which is why porn is so silly

yeah lets just agree that everything about people is kind of gross when you think about it.

"bumping uglies" exists as a phrase for a very good reason.

[obligatory]
Vaginae are so not weirder than penises. They seem way normaler to me because I have one, much like dicks seem normaler to you because you have one. The sight of a naked dude never ceases to surprise me: Dang, there is an extra growth there! That's not how humans work! Genitals are weird-looking, though. I have no argument against that.
[/obligatory]

I dunno, God knows I've seen far more than my share of cocks, and I still giggle every time. It's like "oh shit, they fucked up and gave you one of these things too?" I was thinking about the post lower down where a guy asked about male shaving, and I decided pubic hair is God's way of saying "Look, sorry about the stupid looking gizmos. Le me give you some fuzz to cover that up. Some asshole slipped some weed into a burnt offering that night, and damn, I don't know what all shit I fucked up. So are we cool?"

That is how I picture the way our respective deals were made. Not even the maker remembers the details, but at least he was embarassed

Speaking as a lady, I actually find hard cocks a ridiculously huge turn-on - to feel, see (less so), think about, whatevs - but yeah the soft version is pretty darn silly. I also like girls, and I dunno, I find it kind of a little sad that we don't get really any kind of equivalent to that very visible turned-on-ness change, signal thing going on? Erections! Everyone should have erections. I guess is what I am trying to say. I think erections are really great. Two thumbs up.

They... are kind of like Transformers?

Anyway, it is perhaps amusing to note that (not to this end), I have been mad Giving Out Chubbies today. I gave three in this very thread.

Considering their purposes, the male and female genitalia are just right in their construction, therefore their appearance is also perfect, not that I go around looking at either set of junk.

pogo just closes his eyes and thinks of England.

chubby for mini-wang!

This science fair project would receive the "Participant" award, bested by the baking soda/vinegar volcano, the two-soda-bottle vortex, and the grand prize winner of how a pendulum functions in zero gravity, which only made possible because the student's father is a big wheel at a NASA training facility.

*which was only made possible

A moment's thought will reveal that there is no such thing as a pendulum in zero g.

(Thanks to all the pedants who resist the urge to talk about other kinds of fields.)

Um...wasn't that the joke?

There was a joke?

NO.

(I mean, yes. There was.)

If no-one laughs, is it still a joke?

I guess it depends on the intent of the comic. I feel like jokes work like art, you know, if they're created as such or viewed as such, then they are.

ps: fart joke ololz

Fart jokes are the Dogs Playing Poker of the humor spectrum.

Dogs Playing Poker are the Dogs Playing Poker of the humor spectrum.

I guess that was the limit. it kept indenting when i posted, but on page refresh they were all at the same level. So this is how many licks it takes to get to the center of assetbar

Thank you for letting me lame this. I am hoping that I can somehow get rid of all my lames, but I am beginning to suspect it's not possible.

I got rid of all mine a few days ago. I still don't have them back, and I'd really like them.

this is great - I think I just caught up to gladi8orrex in one fell swoop

You are creating an inefficiency in the lame economy!

Your recursion test has exposed a giant surface area to undeserving lames - lames which come from a fixed pool (bounded growth?) and that could have been used to render someone like glyc silent instead.

Shame on you.

sounds like a good term paper for you

The words indefinitely? and oblivion are considered MORE lame than the rest, apparently.

These all look flat against the right on my screen.

Likewise

I disagree with your critical theory, and find it puzzling.

Oh, I forgot, you're lawbot.

I did that, too. The handface pic had me all confusing him with a real human containing real human emotions.

A moments thought may be enough for some. When you look at the actual definition of a pendulum, you'll find that it's simply a mass attached to a rod, which generally in a constant gravity field achieves equilibrium state due to friction.

In micro gravity, it would most likely begin to spin indicating the orbital direction of the craft carrying it. If NASA has an actual zero gravity device (do they? I've never been to their training facilities) then presumably it would stop at a random point in the set of possible positions, but maintain its pendulum status.

A plane diving at your natural rate of descent.

Oh, Lawbot!

*"Oh, Lawbot" is taped before a live studio audience*

Actually it's just a laugh track that's always followed by Lawbot going "NO" or explaining why the joke they are laughing at was not funny.

YES?

NO

ANGSTYCHOPS

Maybe (takes a drag)

mmm...drag

DRAG RACE!

[IMGS OFF]

The guy in the middle looks like you.

Please tell me its you.

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