OnStar to the Rescue

OnStar to the Rescue 08/20/2009 « prev 1st rand curr next »

I get my hair cut by John of the Forest. That is code language that you are light this week.

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And, yeah, I got nothing to say about the Escalade panels. But that's cool how CH's implements materialize and get bigger as he walks across the stage. Dude's interplanar.

You probably won't feel that way tomorrow, sir.

Wait - how are they staying in their seats without seatbelts on?

lap belts

I'm gona give u a lap belt if u don't shut up

You AND I should lose some weight. Maybe we should get lap bands.

dude no you didn't glad, you gonna take that from him?

Gigolo Tony "Like I Do" (Parkway Records)

you rang?
[
its funny because my name is tony...

Man...that is so funny.

He tries to be encouraging.

I'm still wondering what the "[" was for.

[IMGS OFF]

It's funny.

[IMGS OFF]

i added an extry just in case there werent enough.

Never mind how they are staying in their seats -- I want to know at what point during their tumble did Ray and Teodor switch seats.

G... good point, being an Australian it looked fine to me, because we drive on the left side of the road. not because everything is upside-down up here.

the Escalade is now British. it switched. interdimensionally.

Onstad made the classic mistake of hitting flip image instead of rotate 180 degrees. We've all been there.

ha ha no kidding right?! let me tell you this one time my penis...

WHERE IS THIS GOING

into your mother

avatar/post synergy yo

Onstad's right, you lot are wrong. You've all been there.

We've all been in that dude's mother.

some of us have been in her multiple times

various orifices. <nods emphatically>

now why would someone lame us for that

why

multiples of us have been in her at the same time

Lovelibeam is defending the honor of re5urgam's mother. Way to outsource your duties as a son/ daughter.

that would be a good point except that all continuity errors in '09 are on purpose

Yes, this has been covered.

they...didn't.

Escalade Option 477b.: Ass in your pants with adjustable 'G' force.

I thought that all Escalades had factory installed 'G' force. I thought that was their primary selling feature.

no, no, see, Ray tried that, remember?

I didn't notice that. In fact, I was specifically thinking that it doesn't seem like CH to walk across the room with some stuff on a tray, dude should be magicking it out of somewhere...

I blame the shitty resolution on my laptop.

What if, like, Mister Head is getting SMALLER, man,. And so is the wall behind him, and the floor

Whoa! You just totally blew my mind! ;)

Winkies always frighten me a bit, particularly when people use them in seemingly innocuous contexts. "See you in class tomorrow ;)"

Sorry - but since I used the word "blew", I thought it was probably appropriate?

I wasn't sure that's what you were going for ;).

OH GOD.

"See you in class tomorrow ;)" <--- yeah that is bogus whoever is doing that is sending inappropriate vibes ;)

When I was a kid 'winkies' referred to male genitals. That makes your post even better.

See you in class tomorrow! <waggles boner furiously>

Choco: that was just an example. No one sends inappropriate vibes to me.

Damn you, now the temptation to send inappropriate vibes your direction has become overpoweringly strong.

(As an aside 'Inappropriate Vibes' is going on my list of potential band names)

I will also neither confirm nor deny a temptation to waggle a boner furiously in your direction.

All directions or none.

A boner waggled in every direction is the same as...
...a boner waggled in no direction at all.

-Harry Nilsson.

A boner must be waggled in someone's direction to be in any way efficacious.

Even if it's being done furiously?

It can, at times, be rewarding to waggle one's boner for one's own enjoyment (which I suppose is in one's own direction), and can be thoroughly efficacious.

well, I'm by no means the boner expert.

Don't worry, redphillip is boner fide.

Hmmm, I find this line of thought intrigueing. We have a number of propositions here: a boner waggled in all directions has low (or no) effectiveness. Waggled at one person has some (unquantified as yet) effaciousness. Waggled at yourself has some also undefined effaciousness. What is the optimal number of people (at what quantity does effaciousness begin to decline)? Should yourself be removed from the calculations as it is the base state and allways applicable? Is it a linear relationship (personally I doubt it)?

This my friends calls for SCIENCE. Nay, it calls for RIGOUROUS SCIENCE.

intriguing science.

After some preliminary testing I believe I have made a discovery that may shock society to it's core. Firstly I believe the optimum number of people a boner should be waggled at is between one and two (not including the waggler). If this was not an important enough discovery here is the truely shocking part. Negative waggling is possible! In fact specifically NOT waggling a boner at a person can be more effacious than waggling one at a large number of people. However this drops off rather sharply, more than one or two people specifically not being waggled at swiftly makes the exercise devoid of meaning.

Results:

[IMGS OFF]

However I'm sure not all variables are currently being taken into account. Waggling under certain circumstances has definately produced negative results which are not present on the graph. But we are close ladies and gentlemen. Together we CAN solve this!

Ray assisted throughout the testing process. Hell yes he can still sport wood.

[IMGS OFF]

You forgot to put a scale on your graph! You failed and are in a lot of trouble.

That's intentional. I don't want any of you STEALING MY WORK and then passing it off as your own. For the scale you have to wait for the completed research to be published. The unscaled graph however gives a general view on my findings.

"more than one or two people specifically not being waggled at swiftly makes the exercise devoid of meaning." So if there are three or four people you'd like to waggle your boner at, you should waggle it at between one to three of them in order to ensure you'll get the one not waggled on?

I would also posit that a male waggling his boner at people is not very likely to get many results/ propositions of marriage. Which is what it's all about.

My wife would disagree with you.

So would many other guys' wives that I've waggled at

Really? I thought we were just filling in time waiting for a new strip.

I thought it was the hokey pokey.

Ah yes, well that is a thing indeed. But you must remember these tests were conducted under the most favourable of conditions.

I also disagree...waggling within the correct context leads directly to marriage.

Without offense, I counter-posit that you just have not had the correct waggler or dimensions of waggling yet.

We clearly have different understandings of the purposes of boner waggling. In my experience marriage is almost never the sought after result, though on occasion some sort of continuing relationship may have followed in train.

I also think edd36's results are entirely too preliminary to support conclusions at this time. I suspect that inadvertent sampling bias has skewed the results reported. There is perhaps an ecology of boner waggling that admits to greater variation than that implied in edd36's initial surveys. What is without doubt is that much more science needs to be applied to the question -- rigorous, furious science.

Folsom's coming up. I suspect that all the data we shall ever need regardng boner waggling can be compiled there.

This is true, in part. Folsom will provide many research opportunities, and were I on the West Coast I would certainly devote myself to to some furious science. I do caution, however, that Folsom alone is still inadequate for the purposes of our inquiry. Though it is hugely significant to our understanding of boner-waggling ecology (not unlike the great migrations of caribou or wildebeest), relying on those vast numbers will introduce an enormous sampling bias and distort our results. Further field work at Saturnalia-like festivals (Carnival, Mardi Gras, etc.) will be crucial for a comprehensive study.

I was worried about that, but I've got a few too many other cares now since I shot my load on a man from Reno.

I see it all in a flash: Belgand does Bukake. Alternately, Free Facials for Reno Refugees.

The bukkake thing is another thing I do not understand/ appreciate.

Yeah, I never quite got it either.

Besides, this isn't about bukkake. It's just a slightly labored Johnny Cash reference.

YOU'RE a slightly laboured Johnny Cash reference.

I recognized the Cash allusion, but since I always opt for the filthy and depraved, I did what I did.

It's just a fetish that's arisen in porn since it's a very visual way of showing the guy finishing off. It's the kind of thing I don't mind seeing in porn but have no intention of ever actually doing myself.

Not just in porn, edd36. Among those who follow the safer-sex rule "On me, not in me" it's quite common indeed. Perhaps your boner-waggling research needs expanding?

That's not really safer at all, but in any case, there's a difference between having it splashed somewhere in your body and having it all over your face. The latter really adds a layer of humiliation and ookiness.

Hedonismbot has an extensive course available. You should inquire about his Advanced Fast Hand Boner Wizard Master Class.

That's what she said. (I never get tired of her, either)

just an album title. not a band name.

Furious boner waggling is for entertainment purposes only and should not be attempted by any of you watching at home.

God damnit. Why didn't you tell me that ten, thirty and eighty minutes ago.

Dude's got no bones.

Dude makes no bones.

not in his head anyway.

You mean the dude that I...
...Boned?

Eww. Cartilage Sex should have remained unacknowledged in my nightmares.

Ray and I have the same hairdresser! Nobody does it like John of the Forest.

Maybe that explains the monk dimin'.

If I know what you mean. *wink*

John of the Forest does in with more wood.

Replace 'in' with 'it'. Or not. Whichever will make you like me more.

I find that he's been losing his touch a bit now that he commutes in from Sunnyvale. I've been seeing Aeschylus, Son of the Ocean for the past six months and he's been doing a better job than John ever did.

This is a lie, Belgand has not cut his hair for ten years.

John of the Forest has really soft hands.

For some reason, and it seemingly has nothing to do with stereotypes regarding hairdressers, I want to imagine that John of the Forest is Hiram the Blacksmith's boyfriend in the future.

I just keep thinking of Tom of Finland.

It really is great toothpaste, but a bit expensive.

[IMGS OFF]

Man that one guy looks so unwilling to be kissed by that other guy.

He's worried that a revelation of such feelings would irreparably damage the Village People.

Last thing those guys needed was a fleetwood mac situation.

There was no sailor in the Village people, but there was in GI Joe...and he wore a hat just like that. Knowing is half the battle.

Actually one of them swapped costume to a sailor at some point... hazy on details... *runs off to go google it*

George Lopez, sing to us that all shall be well.

Sing us the song of your people. Bring us news from the North.

[IMGS OFF]

oh christ i apologize for the length of that

It's... fine.

that's what she said wait what...

More like OnStaD to the Rescue, amirite???

oh, the hewn manatee.

The most dangerous game, some say...

That's what I thought it said in my RSS reader at first, I was kinda scared it was gonna be true

"We will be there to rescue you in ~~one hour~~ ~~tomorrow by midnight~~ sometime this weekend, but we'll rescue you twice as hard."

I'd settle for OnTime.

ohhhh shit dude you got TWO FUCKEN LAMES ahahahaha, wow, man, you actually got lamed twice...daaamn, i would not be in your shoes right now, man, that's not good at all.

PS:

my chubby has now made your count a round 13
now everyone HAS to chubby you to get it off that

Not The First Time OnStar is mentioned

At least this time it tries to help.

[url=Not The First Time OnStar is mentioned]I feel so terrible for posting a broken link[/url]

Fuck this. Not my Day.

This one?

You may be a seacow and I might just be a small clownfish, but if you keep up that sarcastic tone, I. Will. End. You.

Easy there, Clowny! I was just trying to help a sea creature out.

Sorry, sorry, anger is like a sandy beach and we have to learn not to go there.

or at least to keep it out of your cunt

this is what Eric Cartman would suggest.

One suddenly gets the feeling that the past seven years have been leading up to a joke about how silly these names are.

I wonder what ray would think of a peach right now.

"Stickleback in the ham door tree. I don't breed wailing avuncular."

"But when the wind is southerly, I know a Spock from handjob."

"I need scissors. Sixty-one."

...hundred.

The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.

there is actually an exclamation point after scissors but it doesn't really matter that you didn't put it 'cos it's totally rad that you followed up with that.

madd chub.

When the wind is northerly, I've gotten into some awkward situations.

is that the mars volta lyrics? all of rays brain-damage dialogue sounds like it could be, as well...

the widow-the mars volta
He's got fasting black lungs
Made of clove splintered shardes
They're the kind that will talk
Through a weezing of coughs

And I hear him every night
In every pore
And every time he just makes me warm

Freeze without an answer
Free from all the shame
Must I hide?
Cause I'll never
Never sleep alone

Look at how they flock to him
From an isle of open sores
He knows that the taste is such
Such to die for

And I hear him every night
On every street
The scales that do slither
Deliver me from%u2026

Freeze without an answer
Free from all the shame
Then I'll hide
Cause I'll never
Never sleep alone

Oh lord
Said I'm bloodshot for sure
Pale runs the ghost
Swollen on the shore

Everynight
in every pore
The scales that do slither
Deliver me from%u2026

Freeze without an answer
Free from all the shame
Then I'll hide
Cause I'll never
Never sleep alone

Freeze without an answer
Free from all the shame
Let me die
Cause I'll never
Never sleep alone

Them kids got some crazy names.

like a mexican law firm. "rodriguez-lopez-bixler-zavala: we fight for YOU!"

�Ju want some mocha, chica?

[IMGS OFF]

Fuck this man for so many reasons.

none of them good.

Does he dare?

think you probably are barking up the wrong tree with that reference on ray.

You sure this reference ain't got white flannel trousers and sand in its shoes?

Prufrock chubbies for all!

Perhaps I'm just rubbing my muzzle against the windowpanes.

I find this statement a bit obtuse.

If you think it's lame, just lame it.

Sorta...foggy?

Oh Prufrock references get me every time.

Oh PROCLAIM on that Prufrock!

I really want to know what is to be done with a bottle of mysterious fluid, a snifter, a sheet of paper, and and a kaiser knife. Is Cartilage Head familiar with the works of one Mr. Wizard?

If I am not mistaken, these are the ingredients for hastening by chopped paper and vinegar. I'm afraid Beef is not long for this world.

But where is the rollerskate?

[IMGS OFF]

You just had to ask, didn't you?

Miss Lucy went to Heaven and the steamboat went to hell. I always thought Miss Lucy was a scheming bitch who somehow transferred her sins onto an innocent inanimate object so that it would have to face her eternal torment. I was a child with strange ideas.

Given that Beef has been placed in such a large comfy bed, (conducive to light slumber) I was expecting April jasmine.

But now, I have to agree with you. Unless the apparent vinegar and paper are merely a red herring.

(Red Herring can also hasten the LoT)

I'm sorry, I missed the episode wherein he cast Power Snack: Kill, though I did hear much of the furor over the fate of his assistant.

I really don't believe beef will die again until i see that damn rollerskate.

The Roller Skate went to Hell. French Fry did not.

The Roller Skate is smarter than Todd. I'm sure he made it back just in time to wreak havoc on us.

is it possible for mr wizard and macguyver to be related? is it probable, even?

Those doors weren't opening anyway. But: can OnStar seal up a smashed-out window?

Attempting to do so remotely will result in an external combustion engine.

It's okay, T�odor is fire retardant.

Kick it out T! Go save Beef!

We always mock the things that save us... I mean, where would we be without Jesus, fanny packs and Trevor Hoffman?

NOWHERE! NOWHERE I TELL YOU!

oustide Germany?

circumstances

All the saves in the world can't guarantee you a ring, my friend.

Ray is talking like a hotel room in a Stephen King short story.

ebelskiver was I ere I saw revikslebe.

redrum redrum!

Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?

[IMGS OFF]

mnam mnam mnaaaah

I know everyone's going to lame the fuck out of me for not knowing, but whatever. What is this?

This is Leyland Palmer, he is Laura Palmer's father, his hair turned white overnight. In this scene he is dancing with a photo of Laura from the prom.

Oh my god there was a great bit in that show Reaper (which I don't watch often, so I was lucky to catch it) where the devil who's played by the same guy said of a town (something like) "Wow, all these horrible murders in such a pretty little town. It's like something out of a David Lynch movie."

Some of yourfriends arrrhere-ah.

goddamn it i hate that song! thanks for bringing back my childhood. you just set me back six years.

I always understood the lyrics to be, "mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy, a kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you?"

Both, with a bridge that explains(?) it all.

In the land of ice and snow/ where it's ninety-nine below/ we'll be falling in love when the ice worms come out to mate again. This was in a CD that included the mairzy doats song. I thought it was a pretty sexy song back when I was nine or so.

Well, he'd definitely making some mean word salad.
Poor little Schizo cat. One can only hope it's not permanent.

[IMGS OFF]

why is pink starfox's brain fucked?

There is a bogey on his six.

Ironically, that highlighted blue section is the one that controls determination and instincts.

It's comments (and avatars!) like these that made me want to join assetbar.

[i]thank you[\i]

God dammit it's a curse. I'll never be able to italicize anything, ever.

Aw, you were close. Your slash is going the wrong way.

Aw, I saw that you did the ever after I commented. I wasn't trying to be a cock to a stranger. I will be not sober somewhere else now. Good day to ye!

Quote:

Aw, you were close. Your slash is going the wrong way

That's what she said.

The highlighted blue section that I Boned?

I was all brain...brain...brain...brain...

DO A BARREL ROLL

am i doing that right?

Close.

boomboomboomjammin

that's a funny drawing of intestines and protruding colon.

FUCK. FUCK.

FUCK

Ray is so fucked up he forgot how to say "hundo."

I'm surprised no one else picked up on this.

A HUNDRED!!

*thock*

I apologise for taking up all this space right underneath the comic, but I saw this on my way back from work and thought I%u2019d share.

[IMGS OFF]

I also hope to lure forth the maker of this so we can tell him or her to not make it look so sketchy next time besides.

Guess I could have resized. Whoops.

NO. IF ANYTHING IT NEEDS TO BE BIGGER. GODDAMN YOU MAKE IT BIGGER NOW.

popular phrase in gay bars.

I was going to go with the reliable "that's what she said," but this works, too.

Only those with back rooms. Trust me on this.

A combination of the words "cock", "strangers", and "don't" comes to mind...

In gay bars with back rooms, the decision tree runs along the lines of "Hi!" --> "Yes!"

Arrows look like penises to me. All decision trees with arrows should have penises instead. I think this is perfectly appropriate given the subject matter.

Actually, I think this is perfectly appropriate regardless of the subject matter.

Hi 8===D YES

YES he ejaculated.

The English language is so beautiful because it allows for such phrases as " 'Semen!' she ejaculated."

I'm reading Charles Dickens' Pickwick Papers right now and absolutely everybody in that book is ejaculating. Sometimes three times in a single chapter, and always in full view of at least one person. People in the 1800s sure were filthy.

Back on the arrow thing, in your world...

Did the Indians fight the cowboys with bow and penis?

Does the song go,
"Wherever we go, everyone knows
It's me and my penis"
?

Does the penis of time point in only one direction?

Is a road with no bends straight as a penis?

Is an honest person a straight penis? And what does that say about Bill Clinton?

If you have more ideas to offer, do you have one more penis in your quiver? And if you have both a penis and a quiver, are you confused?

Did William Tell shoot the apple off his son's head with his penis? At how many paces, 'cause, day-amn! And how many years of therapy were needed after that?

Do you think the Plymouth Penis was an unpopular car because it was too small?

Did Hamlet suffer the slings and penises of ignoble fate?

Was the Green Penis forced to shoot the Green Lantern in the chest with his penis?

Do archaeologists get all excited about finding prehistoric penis-heads? Do they ever find the shafts of these penises, and are they made of hard or soft wood?

Is Zeno's penis motionless?

Are you about to click the back penis to go to the previous page? Why don't you keep it in front, like everybody else?

I think I spent all my penises on that last comment.

Yes, to all of these. Yes, yes, yes. Hahahaha thank you.

Very good. Have a penisroot biscuit.

When the US military loses a nuclear weapon does it have a 'broken penis'?

No, but after the events of last night John Travolta certainly does.

That's what Kelly Preston said.

the raddest of vandalisms

I'm desperately hoping you found this on the wall of some cave, confirming my belief that Philippe is some kind of prehistoric deity

But why would someone take the time to carve:

HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS!

Could you write "HUGS" and mark the U as repeating?

H(U^23)GS

You probably chose the twenty-third power because hamscout typed twenty-three U's, but it brings to mind Avogadro's number.

I think an Avogadro's number of Philippe's hugs would be the best thing ever, rivaled only by Avogadro's hugs. Thoughts?

Each hug is scaled to the Planck length.

Well... even allowing a hug to be a unit of distance even with that huge quantity of hugs the end result is very, very samll. I propse they are not scaled to the Planck length, therefore allowing Phillipe to provide enough huuuuuugs for everyone. Ever.

*sigh* I ofcourse meant small, not samll...

Philippe loves avocados and hugs.

[IMGS OFF]

I saved that chubby because I knew I was going to need it later. Thanks for proving I was right.

too bad avacados fucking taste like buttery wax!

and the butter's just a little off.

Oh hell no, avocados are hell of scrumptious.

Yeah they got that good fat.

I see what you did there, and I approve.

I read it as 'avocados fucking' taste like buttery wax. So it sounds reasonable enough from a scientific approach.

well, sir, if thats how you feel, then you can have my share of the avocados.

[IMGS OFF]

It really is so sweet that you wish to be hugged by Avogadro. He's dead, mole's the pity.

I think puns are always funnier in a foreign language.

Science based puns are risky. People who get them think them hillarious, people with no real sciency knowledge will just stare at you.

And then back away really slowly...

http://xkcd.com/626/

is a good example (ok it's math not science, the same applies). I personally found it hillarious, many, many people will not.

I understood that, but I keep finding that every single time I visit xkcd it gets even more excruciatingly unfunny. I replaced my xkcd bookmark with xkcdsucks a while ago (although admittedly I did find the 'Lease' strip quite amusing).

That one made me chuckle betwixt closed teeth. I made a sort of "tsh tsh tsh" noise.

Sorry to crush a mans dreams, but I found it on a bridge. Unless the stone was mined from such a cave, it was made in 1914 or later.

Roast Beef's plight is an awful one. But I will always pity the men locked in a car with George Lopez more.

Oh God why can't I lame you?

It's OK, we're on it...

We should do something for Glad's birthday. The dude give so much.

Buy him a subscription to wikidictionary?

Crikey, i think i've just exposed myself to continual peer spell-checking.

NO ON GIB A SHIT ABOT YOR CRY CRY FACE

oh my god
perfect

That gladi8orrex remainds me of the amazing atheist on youtube, anyone else watch that guy? It's like if loneliness had a bad haricut and a youtube account.

glad's okay. He can take it as well as dish it. The Amazing Atheist, otoh, sounds like a great stage name.....

What is your twitter account? I would love to read it and bear witness to your incredible life.

you know I bet there really is a twitter account out there.

so anyway. I gave Gladdi8orrexx a chubby. I did. no one else. me. I am the one true fan. the numba one ichi ban. the rest a all yall posers, illiterates makin' crude judgments based on superficial appearance.

Comment rated 1 Chubbies and 30 Lames (marked as spam 1 times)

Glad is my bro for life man

I'm not saying that in a cheesy, sarcastic way the way most Assetbarbarians do when they're making fun of him. He's my fuckin boy. He gave me tips about fighting and how to train.

me an my niggas is tite, too. welcome to the fam, choco

well done for being different and making sure everyone knows it. have you heard of Hot Topic?

yes I have that's where your mom and I met

Is that why she's in your avatar? Why are you attracted to a sixty eight year old woman? Is it because your own mother Bad Boy Bubby'd you?

~~You've got beautiful tits Flo, great big whoppers of things!~~ Pizza for cat?

God's a fucking cunt

Jesus can see everything I do... and he's going to beat me brainless!

But you have to admit that just wasn't his best work. No rhythm, no style. He left out the foreplay, even though we do actually like that stuff. The girl obviously needed to get raped twice, but those first dudes totally wussed out on us.
I mean, it's not like we hate the dude from now on. But that one just didn't make with the quality.

dude, it was posted on asset bar

you're acting like this is the National Novel Writing Month's review forum

ps. nanowrimo sucks

Dang, I thought "She needed to be raped twice" would give it away for sure...

Because how exactly does one need to be raped? So much so that it would be obvious from a mere description?

i got lamed for dissin Nanowrimo?

Haha, must be some butthurt Wrimofag.

Crazy... I was about to call you a liar, but then I checked and the chubby I gave it (before it was lamed off the page) somehow never went through.

Rather than admonishing you for lying with even the slightest wheeze to escape your lips I must commend you for allowing me to realize the error.

His main response to someone who dents his wall is rape? This guy takes care of business!

He could just use an arrow to point people in the right direction.

He actually uses his penis.

The Gun is good! The penis is evil! The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death and purifies the Earth of the filth of Brutals. Go forth, and kill!

That was the point.

HA HA

"where are the fucking batteries?"
"over there next to the regular ones."

Jesus God, Glad.

That was like Cage Kennylz without the optimism.

This was the best birthday present I could ever get. Thank you Glad.

Gladi, I can't respond to your comments because they were lamed but know that I unignored you, mostly for the link but also for most of the story. You magnificent bastard, you. Fuer immer jung indeed.

unignored? Wtf is the matter with you? Glad isn't on the global ignore list. if he's on your ignore list that means YOU put him there, you asshole. you fucking asshole. and that makes no fucking sense to say "I can't respond to your comments because they were lamed" hey maybe if you raise your lame number at the top of the screen. it's called a UI. it has graphical elements and you click on it with your mouse and sometimes even you provide input with your keyboard. you might want to look into it sometime, asshole

Ha!

someone please fuck choco.

I... I admit that it has been a few years...

years!? damn, i get toey if it's been more than a few hours.

i'm kind of a slut.

OH GOD WHY DID I PUT THAT ON THE INTERNET

So, um, doin anything later?

basically a line in my upcoming blockbuster film:

INT. SMOKEY BAR - DARK

THE GUY
So -- what you doin' later?

THE CHICK points her index fingers at THE GUY.

THE CHICK
Not you!

THE CHICK'S FRIENDS whoop and holler as THE GUY dejectedly walks away.

Shit.

Hemingway.

You will never be Dr. Manflesh. You will never replace him as the lovable jester in the royal court of our HEARTS.

Dr. Manflesh is a former shell of himself. He has been demoted to Mr. Boyskin.

ho desires foreplay in the next 23 minutes

WHY IS THERE NO EDIT BUTTON

IN THE NEWEST EDITION OF ASSETBARISTA THERE IS BUT ONLY FOR "POST" POSTS NOT "REPLY" POSTS SORRY BUT HAVE A CHUBBY ANYWAY

WHOOPS I RAN OUT WHOOPS I SUCK WHOOPS

Actually, it works for replies now as well. That function was added very quickly.

does it?
DOES IT REALLY
oh my god, it does

Also, on the bright side, maybe he is a ho.

there *CAN* be an edit button, daidai... it would work like this:

With this hypothetical assetbarrista script, each post would have a unique/random serial number at the end of it. The assetbarrista script would NOT display the serial number, because who wants to see that crap.

Each post would have an edit option.
Chubby Lame Mark as Spam Edit *Ignore User*

When you edit a post, Assetbarrista would actually make a new post. The new post would have a code that tells Assetbarrista NOT TO DISPLAY the old post. The old post would be referenced via it's serial number. The Assetbarrista script would also verify that the person whose post is retracting the old post is the same person who made the old post, so as to prevent anyone from manually creating posts which retract/edit other posts.

As such, you could edit posts as many times as you like. Unfortunately, anyone not using assetbarrista would see each revision of the post.

Also, Assetbarrista could be used to keep track of your milk and egg inventory. Again, this would have the downside of creating a lot of posts which look like the internals of an excel spreadsheet, but only people not running Assetbarrista would see these posts. Of course the milk and egg inventory data would have to be encrypted to keep prying eyes out of your milk and egg business.

Doors opened to oooverfloowwww.

"Son, I think you've been having a bit too much protein."

oh hooray now we have two boring douchebags doing this

And they get so much encouragement.

Story of my life, man.

Gave you a lame. Where Manflesh's long posts are usually bizarre fanfic erotica, you've produced the literary equivalent of a rabbit being repeatedly kicked against a wall.

And was the onomatopoeia really necessary? Jeez, dude.

Just happened to be listening to Mozart's Requiem when I saw the update. Very fitting, I thought. Trapped in a car and forced to listen to George Lopez is, however, a fate worse than death.

Heh. Glad, I just can't stay mad at you.

(Oops, jianna, I wasn't trying to be rude to you. Mozart's Requiem always makes me want to cry, and for sure, there is a special circle of hell that consists of George Lopez recordings and earplugs that won't fit.)

all sobbing in hell rocking back and forth:

At least it's not Carlos Mencia, at least it's not Carlos Mencia...

I was going to say exactly that. The second part.

YES. George Lopez could at least find funny with a flashlight and both hands. Carlos Mencia couldn't find funny if it walked up and bit him on the dick.

Good news: it isn't Carlos Mencia.
Bad news: it is Dane Cook.

"you guys ever notice how you have that ONE friend who's like, in hell, like, listening to my quote-unquote "comedy"... yes, I used rock quotes, hardcore, I know... and he's like, wishing he had been a better person while he's trying to chew his own veins out of his arms and then a demon comes up and he's like DUDE, you're already dead, WTF but I'm such a bad comedian he's going to keep trying to end it all... you guys know that guy??..."

You made up a bad Dane Cook joke to complain about how bad Dane Cook jokes are dude what the hell

The disease is now inside you

in America, it's inside all of us.

The teddy bear, who formerly could disconnect his cranium as part of an elaborate dance move, is now shown to contain blood.

There wasn't the proper rhythm to bust out his patented* dance move. It takes a certain something to be able to do that, it's not like he's just popping his head off all the damn time.

*Technically it's only copyrighted. You cannot currently patent a dance move no matter how insane.

Oh my, the Escalade is such a mess. It may even be totaled. This is terrible. What's Ray going to drive now?

His backup Escalade, I would guess.

Judging by the seeping head wound, I think Ray might need to take a little break from driving.

And probably, like, most cognitive thought and faculties.

Simple Thoughts is looking more promising this time around, hm?

MAGAZINE ABOUT MCDONALDS

BY MCDONALD'S

A dozen Aibos lashed together

Ray all on a sled behind 'em, saying, "MUSH!! MUSH!!" Wish I had a chubby left for ya! :)

I'm STILL upset Phillippe wasn't riding an Aibo dogsled down the aisle in "The Math". A damn shame.

Knock-off Rider, Airwolf, or some other property he has forgotten he owned.

Doesn't he have a Camaro?

It's pretty bitchin'.

You mean the Trans-Am? AKA Knock-off Rider although, Knock-off KITT would have been more acurate.

Coincidentally, I made aebleskivers for breakfast yesterday.

Chubbied because I thought aebleskiver was a made up word due to large amounts of brain damage.

OH GOD SO MANY VOWELS!

Coincidentally, I have eaten aebleskivers at that very restaurant you linked.

Did you pose at the Little Mermaid statue too? I know I sure did.

Unfortunately, my testicles prevented me from doing such an act.

You just weren't looking at all the angles. Find the right pose and you could tell your friends that you had a been on a boat and boned a mermaid.-

Even if she's one of the more modern mermaids that are all fish on the bottom with no lady bits I don't see this is entirely a problem. I mean, you could still get oral. Not to mention hot cloacal sex. It's vag and anal [i]at the same time![i]

Would it be weird for you if I touched your fishy half?

Rev bakes lies.

GM Onstar, sure it might save your life, but it makes it damn hard to flee the scene of a wreck.

Tomorrow, the bear will probably not feel Cartilage Head is killing Roast Beef.

That is entirely correct. Tomorrow Beef will either already have been killed making future killing unlikely, or the performance will have ended in a manner that does not result in Beef's demise.

Technically they might do an encore performance, but that doesn't seem to be CH's style.

Oh FUCK

Teodor seems to genuinely expect Ray to shake off the huge gash in his brain.

Willpower and enough of Teodor yelling at you is all it takes to overcome major head trauma of any kind. He gets hired to yell at hospitals, sometimes.

SHIT PISS FUCK CUM COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER.

uploaded the giant template. it's not even worth the joke to try again, sorry for the space drain, people.

MOTHERFUCKER

What's going on with his hand?

hey is anyone else still watching Rescue Me?

as an analogue to that question, why do we hurt ourselves?

Rescue Me needs a paramedic.

The current season has decided to spend far too much time on a lengthy awkward pauses, tediously overlong dream sequences, and soul-searchingly quiet bits. It's been far too long since anyone got a metal cockring stuck on their enormous penis.

It also continues the general trend of "Tommy is fucking a ton of women without any effort, but alas, they are all crazy even if the sex is fabulous." Basically all of the women ever to appear on that show, even children, are batshit insane sluts, but this is tempered slightly by the guys being moronic assholes.

Quote:

batshit insane sluts ... moronic assholes

That sums it up, and hey, it also sounds like this place!

Chub'd.

Yeah, I don't think anyone here's really getting any, including the women.

Awww, you just had to ask...

Oh, don't be modest, TheGoblins.

We all know that the men, they are a lining up outside your door to throw themselves at your feet as if you were some Goddess from Antiquity.

in before someone asks me where Antiquity is

It's somewhere in the midwest isn't it?

Well, nothing of even a borderline PG/PG-13 nature has occurred in my life for about five months, so believe it.

You haven't showered in five months?! I'm quite glad that we are separated by the Internet.

My bath-related nudity was carried on off-screen.

I dig that assessment. But the character development has been the thing that's driven that show for me since the first episode. And that's why I'm struggling with it now. So much of the new stuff seems contrary to everything that's been established.

Like Father Mickey drinking again. That was the most flimsy bullshit they've ever done. Teddy was a different story but with Mickey, it's like they put a drink in his hand for the sake of a joke.

That being said, the musical episode was hilarious.

The musical dream sequences were amusing, but the whole cancer thing and then, out of nowhere, he's still under and they're acting like he won't make it post-surgery? WTF? It's just been all over the place this season.

He did have some pretty serious sex with his wife though. Hella jealous.

You mean he steals his lines from Bill Hicks?

I was going for a No Cure for Cancer gag, which was the edited jpeg I failed to upload. With a word bubble that said, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, NEXT."

Leary is the Comic Sans of comedians. He needs to taste the f#ckin' kerb.

[IMGS OFF]

... or does it only work for Donald-Trump-Wino hangovers?

It looks like Ray's forehead-ass had diarrhoea.

Man, I hope that someday I can use the word[s] 'Forehead-Ass' in utter seriousness

My son used to laugh at what he called "ass chins."

Name your firstborn "Forehead-Ass". Wasn't that easy?

Man you know kids would find some way to make fun of that.

ahahaha

The strip is in the same shape as the Escalade.

Roast Beef is gonna get hella stabbed and there is nothing Ray can do about it.

Terrifying comment-avatar synergy.
Also, no, the knife is for chopping the paper for simultaneous ingestion with vinegar.
Just..nooooooo....no stabbing Roast Beef noooo..

Oh...

Well done, sir.

Been giving out a lot of fives lately

Telecommando shakes the breakfast tree, isn't that a line from Agadoo?

GM may sue Onstad for implying that their security system would cold lock you inside a burning motor vehicle.

I knew OnStar would figure in the next step of this amazing journey.

All those years of calling our creator OnStar finally paid off.

It was mostly this one old guy that called him that. But he was killed by a train full of rhinos long ago.

Really? I heard he powerfucked an old Chinese man to death and spent the rest of Forever in jail.

This arc scares me, so for some lighter conversation: what is your favorite Achewood strip thus far?

"All that means is some kisses for you!"

Oh, thank you so much for directing me to a strip I had forgotten but is very, very, very much enjoyable.

I have to say my favorite strip, though, will always be the Roomba one depicting the assassination of Lincoln.

I will never not laugh at the garage sale strip, no matter how many times I read it. Beef's greeting card line, and the arc with Robert Johnson's eyes, they get me every time. Also Comic Sans, which I bought in full color poster format, and which I wish had arrived in a censored version so I could put it up at work.

Our favorite strip? You mean our favorite strip that I...

boned?

The Math. Plain and simple. When was the last time a cartoon made you tear up?

Damn right.

[IMGS OFF]

My only regret thus far in my life is that I can't chubby this any more than once.

Oh damn, I stand corrected

OH GOD NOOOOOO SEYMOUR

He waited for you, Fry.

for 1,000 summers, he waited.

He's walking on sunshine, now.

I blame Bender.

Fuck you, I was nowhere near there. I cried like Nancy Kerrigan at that one myself

What?! We could of brought the lil' puppy back before Fry had second thoughts if you hadn't thrown him in that lava.

Yeah, that episode is actually too sad to watch.

It's true. I turn it every time it is on. :(

Not off, he just mutes the television and turns the screen to face the wall.

Oh, I didn't even think "off." I entirely thought turning the television.

It must want to turn tho.

There was a lot of win in this comment.

Ah, Gahd, it's happening again. I can't even look at this picture without getting all bitchy

Lyle Builds Philippe's Dream Car for causing problems in the community

"Don't you do cocaine at ME, you son of a bitch!"

Teaching Philippe to blow a bubble, Philippe's hair cut, Philippe and Lie-Bot and the skeleton in the closet, anything with Philippe, Ray enjoying a glass of milk old school style and about 5 other strips before and after that one, drawing a Nintendo, too many to remember. So don't ask.

I never realized till now how odd a normal Achewood sentence like "Cartilage Head is killing Roast Beef" sounds to the layperson.

I hear ya! I tried to tell my husband (who refuses to read comics) about this great story arc... He just kept saying, "WHAT? WHO? WHAT? WHO?" I said forget it, you sound like an owl.

It can be so hard sometimes.

Nothing good EVER happens in Ray's SUV. NOTHING!

Roast Beef goes in there to vomit.

The moral of the story is that SUV's suck and bring misery to all who own them.

Dude, whining is the coolest schtick ever.

im so jealous of you i want to be your apprentice

Protip:If you get really good at it you can become as awesome as woodenteeth

Whoa, huge slam on woodenteeth out of nowhere!

Which incidentally results in splintering most of the time so, y'know. Watch out for that.

Do I have a Reputation? Wait. What? I'm confused.

You certainly do!

Guard it like an aussie batsman guards his stumps.

Sorry

Have to share the misery.

Shouldn't be too difficult... the English can't pitch.

They pitched a good line the other day.

and they're poms, not english!

It's called 'bowling'. And for your information, the English bowled a whole bunch of touchdowns against Australia just recently in an important cricket game.

important cricket game

oxymoron

Cricket embodies the most important past time of many cultures in it's purest form. Sitting around for 5 days of the summer drinking beer while a few guys do sport nearby.

You shouldn't give a damn about your reputation, grrrrl

TheGoblins has just discovered Joan Jett. What will this mean for the rest of Assetbar?!?

...another dime in the jukebox?

No really, can anyone help me out? I seem to have missed someone's Ignored post that was a huge slam on me out of nowhere.

It's not hard, you could just search for your name, but I shall do the proper thing and relate the sordid tale for you now.

Quote:

daidai � neu 4 days ago
Dude, whining is the coolest schtick ever.

im so jealous of you i want to be your apprentice

Quote:

plummet � neu 4 days ago
Protip:If you get really good at it you can become as awesome as woodenteeth

I have Plummet on Ignore. For this and many other reasons. My ego remains intact.

Plummet updates: he's still kind of a dick, but he wants to bone my face now.

He's such a Romantic. Unless he has some kind of weird tribal "pointing the bone at you so you die" thing going on.

I went from crazy toothsome face to normal smiling face and suddenly he decided I'm not ugly after all. Happy day!

Well well... the disease was inside him after all.

This is why I rarely ignore people. I might miss slams by people whose opinion I disregard and that I will probably barely even read.

onstad took bailout money to make this strip

RAYPHASIA

It took me forever to catch that Pok�mon.

Why on Earth did I think I could get away with using the accented E?

/buries it in the backyard to the catcalls of imagined angry peers

There are no angry peers, Professor.

We've all been there. We've all seen the Assetbar Elephant.

How could you put on such airs?!

I read this as angry peters.

Someone seems to have a bit of an obsession with furious ding-dongs at the moment...

Today's "Fuck You Friday" is brought to you by OnStar%u2122.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN INSURANCE CONTROL EVERYTHING!!!

Something tells me that the "Voxopathic voice analysis software" is actually just the phone agent rolling her eyes.

You probably wont feel that way tomorrow.

I am so happy for Wernicke's aphasia. Less so Beef's impending demise. [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wernicke%27s_aphasia]

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