Ray and Beef Chat

Ray and Beef Chat 09/10/2004 « prev 1st rand curr next »

I am not sure if the Blumpkin has ever been executed in a mutually cooperative environment

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we should start a magna carta of sex terms here on this comment page.

strawberry shortcake

Rainbow Kiss

dunkin' donut.

The Tallahasse Crowbar.

I actually made it up. And, as far as I can tell, misspelled the name. Chubby for garnering three lames based on being from a certain place, though.

People just get all FURIOUS on tequila when people are from places.

As am I.

Amish Unicycle.

The Salieri Uppercut

The man poisons mozart, while punching his woman's chin.

is that sexxy tho

The compassionate conservative.

(an unannounced lubeless butt-fuck)

a winner is you!

The old Assetbarian does not understand what is going on.

The Rusty Trombone

The Milky Hornet

Seeing that under Philippe's eager face makes me feel concerned.

Milky Concerned?

A Toledo Pipecutter was the first one I came up with. I was in an antique shop and saw a tool with the name and immediately knew it had to be on my list.

The Spiky Walnut.

...actually, that sounds rather unpleasant *wines*

The Serve

The Angry Pirate

The Flying Arabian

Felching (I can't believe this hasn't been mentioned yet)

The Spiderman

Cincinatti Bowtie

The Houdini

The Alaskan Pipeline

(I think it should be noted now that the half of these moves aren't to be done if 1. you have any respect for the other person, 2. you intend it to be a lasting relationship, and 3. you are not a complete people-hating sociopath)

Alligator/Crocodile Fuckhouse

Abe Lincoln

Angry Dragon

Glass Bottom Boat

Puerto Rican Smile

In which you cut the lady's throat and then she dies.

Bolivian Necktie?

fine, sure. take the fun out of life.

The French Mistake

Arabian Apple-pick

Mexican Rorsach

Poor Man's Burrito

Don't feel bad, Davey-Boy, I caught your awesome Blazing Saddles reference.

I'm so glad people are still responding to this.

The Sacramende Spoonful.

The New England Clam Chowder: When the lady pukes at the moment the dude is doing his funnest business.

The Turkish Gentlemen: A lady sits down peeing while the man stands peeing through the triangle she makes with the seat. Named because this is the right thing to do in Turkey after a good date.

edit to the new england clam chowder: She is obviously downing his rod when this thing happens.

The Louisville Plugger

The Bowie: This is where you sex anyone and wake up in the morning with a naked Mick Jagger sleeping in your bed

South Jersey bathroom.

How many of these involve shit

The "Phallus v. Rectum"

I woulda shit myself when I read this, but then I'da had to name to maneuver.

"the" maneuver. the. i'm an idiot.

The Runny Jester? The Brown Joke?

Is Ray_and_Beef_Chat Beef's most sophisticated piece of software? It seems more complex than hash browns and spare change.

The standard IM programs did not specify time with enough precision.

I must know what the Blumpkin is.

Yeah, supposedly, but this is one of many things that I suspect Urbandictionary.com just made up. Nobody had actually performed a blumpkin before the site went up, and now people all over are going "eww... people actually do that?" Blumpkins: the new alligators in the sewers.

I have a friend who claims to have received one. Given the caliber of "women" he brings around, I'm inclined to believe him.

I have a friend who insisted he had received one several times. He was from the ghettos of Boston. He claimed the key was that you had to drop "small bombs."

Until he filled me in on the definition I always assumed "Blumpkin" was the name of the mayor of some children show's fictional village.

I would never do this. I don;t care how much booze you plied with me.

Normally? Yeah, that's fine! On the can? THE CAN??

Would the head giver also receive some golden mouth wash?

Frankenblumpkin

actually it was a howard stern invention

Really? I'd always heard it was Gene Simmons.

Tucker Max says he did it once, but I believe very little of what that guy writes anyway.

Heh. Tucker Max is an asinine man.

Tucker Max is dogshit, man. Mega-nasty.

The fact that such a person could exist says much about the country that we live in. Much that is bad. Even so, his stories are extremely entertaining.

Tucker Max was basically "Entourage" before "Entourage" became a TV show.

Man, the original text list of retarded, inane "sexual" acts was circulated on _Usenet_
I don't know if the "Dirty Sanchez" existed before then, and I don't want to know.

Regarding a lot of things, I wonder if they existed before the internet. I like to think of history prior to the 80's as being in a state of indeterminacy until someone comes up with something gross on the net, at which point it will be the case that said grossness has existed in some way since ancient times.

I don't know about a lot of things, but I know I heard about all these sex acts before the internet. It's not like information couldn't change hands pre-internet, and it's not like the standards were really any higher when it came to stuff like this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting nostalgic for those dark ages-- I mean, shit, back then you had to buy porno.

(shudders) Uuugh... buying porno. Those days were not so fun. Going into the store.. quietly asking for your mag of choice, or worse, going specifically to a porn store and getting that suspicious, knowing look out of the corner of the proprietor's eye...

Nah, way before urban dictionary there was a site called Glossary of Obscure Sexual Terms and I saw Blumpkin on there. Also Arabian Goggles, Rodeo, Houdini, Reverse Houdini, etc.

Liebot on the job

Upside-Down Blumpkin (self-explanatory)
Reverse Blumpkin 1 (the girl is giving you head, and she shits.
Reverse Blumpkin 2 (you give the girl head, and you shit.)

The alt-text refers to the third option as a lady-blumpkin just a few strips down the line.
Ottawa Modified Death company

No, sorry a lady-blumpkin would probably be the fourth, unspoken option - you give the girl head while she shits. Was that was what you meant by the upside-down blumpkin?

Difficult with a human, I'd think, but just nasty and pointless with such as the monotremes mentioned in the alt-text.

Cloacalingus - NOUN. MEANS, EATING A LADY-CHICKEN WITH THE MOUTH

The 'Blumpkin, Ohio' - girl is giving you head while somebody in Boise takes a shit.

Boise, Ohio - my US geography is very good.

Ohiodaho.

Minnesota. Pride.

Wait. I thought your icon was from Columbus, WI. Now I'm confused.

I love the dollar signs that Ray slips into his instant messenger conversations.

OK, as awesome as it would be to IM with Ray, he is obviously the most annoying breed of IMer imaginable.

i've started doing this with all text messages i send on my phone. none of my friends have commented on it, but i like to think they acknowledge it with a sigh and a shake of the head when they read the texts.

Why would you want that response?

oh please, someone ask me what a 68 is...

Oh, go on then.

(I know of the 70: a 69 with one watchin')

that's where you do me and I owe you one...

umm, hypothetically speaking of course

Like a 77... a 69 but you get 8 more.

It's the "Why was six afraid of seven" for a new generation!

I love how Beef disgusts Ray, The Classy Master of getting his bone on and not caring if anyone doesn't want to know.

I gave this strip a 5, which I guess would convert into $$ US Dollars.

Beef wrote a chat program specifically for the two of them, of which this is the sixth version. $$

why did you think of that though

why would you think of that

i love that ray is offended

Amazing. One of my favorites.

But is that sexxxy tho?

Anyway, that would take a urethra of troubling width.

nasty. but hilarious. entirely because you felt the need to describe the paper. "irregular". awesome.

Wait. Do they have sex with the pen still in the urethra? Because if so, I hate you for making me think of that.

I hate YOU for making me think of that.

Why did you think of that though
Why would you think of that

the drunk russian: I get drunk and write comments on websites such as spikedhumor and achewood. I then have sex.

On vodka

This is one of my alltime favorites Ray is so upset

Ray's last two messages make this strip.

The tragedy of this strip is that we don't get to see Ray's face when he signs off, aghast that Beef thought about this horrible thing.

Also, "blood pudding."

This was my first Achemoment. The Livid Pedro is so fantastically anticlimactic, and sort of sad, but what makes the strip for me Ray's entirely unaddressed first doubt: "Is that sexxy tho," over which Beef just cold steamrolls.

no one would want to see a kitty monroe. it is not a thing anyone wants to see.

no, it doesn't. in fact, to be on the safe side, I would recommend you never say anything again.

You can have mine.

This strip inspired me to code a personal chat program only usable by me and a friend of mine. Or rather, it would have if I made it. And if I had any friends... um, has anyone heard of a Strawberry Shortcake?

ha ha ha ha ha why yes

I'm going to regret this, but...

What is strawberry shortcake? I'm afraid to Google it.

...I tried Googling it and all I got was recipes and children's characters anyway.

[IMGS OFF]

It was a toy. A doll. A little doll. It smelled like Strawberries. I think there were some other characters who smelled like other stuff. Mostly fruit-related. It was like there was a marketing think-tank, and it was right when scratch-n-sniff stickers were popular, and so they made dolls that smelled like various fruits since that mixed the timeless appeal of dolls and the momentary pleasure of smelling chemical imitations of certain fruits imprinted into plastic. They were for girls.

Then you have sex.

The April Fools- When you are all ready to go with a lady and she is so nude,and then you shout "APRIL FOOLS" and leave.

you dont just tease a lady like that...

it would be one of the hardest moves to do. (well, depending on the hotness of said lady.)

I like how the time indication both uses a 24-hour clock AND indicates AM/PM.

Oh, nice. I hadn't noticed that.

Um, well, you could have avoided using the word "colored."

Yeah, that would have helped.

At least spell it right :P (with a u)

Your avatar is in the process of one right now

The Kukla, Fran, and Ollie: (n) This is when you and the lady finish up and you can only find 3 out of 4 socks afterwards.

The Happy-Birthday-Grandma! (n) When you wait for the woman to be close to climax before you pull out, play the bongos on her titties and yell "happy birthday, grandma!!"

is that sexxy tho

The Tony Danza
A modified version of the donkey punch where, when doing it doggy style, you pul out right before climaxing and say "Who's the boss?", followed by slamming it in the backdoor, yelling "Tony Danza", punching the girl in the back of the head.

Man, that shouldn't have been so funny. And yet it was.

The way I heard it, you wait for her to say "you're the boss," then you correct her %u2014 "Tony Danza's the boss!" %u2014 then donkey punch her.

Or the toboggan
going at it doggy style at the top of a flight of stairs, then you smack right between the girl's shoulder blades, and when she lifts her arms up, grab the wrists, thrust really hard, and ride her down the stairs.
There's a list of like 50 of these online somewhere, all rather disturbing and many fairly violent.

dude you would either be really great or really terrible at parties

Today's Blogs

Ray: Damn but am I brewing fine beer!
Onstad: I rescued the day with orzo.

When I was a-perusing these comments sections, it took me a second to realize exactly what you were on about. I'm just here to say, good on ya.

i took right away, but in any case, the sentiment is seconded...and chubbied.

The anthropomorphic cats have better chat grammar than roughly 85% of my high school population.

whats a cleveland steamer?

whats a google?

It's where the lady drives all the way to Cleveland all ticked off about something the man did.

There is a sushi restaurant near my house that offers a specialty roll called the Dirty Sanchez. No Joke.

Photo!

Why would anyone order that?

Though if the Dirty Sanchez were in fact a burrito wrapped up in a sushi roll, that would be all right.

Wouldn't the other way round make far, far, far more sense?

Seaweed wrapped in softshell wrapped in seaweed ad infinitum.

The Kilty Monroe is the symbol of my love for Roast Beef.

The toadspatter southside...self explanatory...

in which a fella with rampant genital warts ejaculates forcefully upon the rear end of someone else with rampant genital warts?

The Minnesota Timeline just cracks me up.

Commodore

Read admiral

Rear

The Read Admiral. While wearing an 18th Century Admiral's outfit (sans pants) you take the lady from behind while laying out a nautical map on her back.

Yelling Land, ya Ho!

The world is a slightly darker place now that I know what a Kilty Monroe is. And also know there's a faint possibility I might see such a thing one day.