Sriracha and pot make all things taste delicious.

this is a thing that is true

You're asking AIU not to troll.

I'll let you think about that.

i think both boards are a litttttttttle shitty. NO OFFENSE!

I am deeply offended.

Afro porn in effect y'all. Hubba hubba.

Sriracha? Shit man, I use that stuff to kill the mold on my shower linoleum. That stuff is drama-pipes-in-a-bottle.

Naw man, Sriracha is the illest. Anyone that can't handle it is a fuckin' wiener.

Well, rather, any man that can't handle it.

I won't hold it against our fairer side.

I'm more like John Belushi except replace all the alcohol with pot.

Same physique though, totally.

And uh all the hard drugs and hookers and stuff with video games.

Is it a sad life or a glorious one? You decide.

Sounds like my kind of life.

Belushi had personality. He's just an asshole.

no no no! it has a delicate sweetness to it, like a finely roasted head of garlic

Read Parent Comment in the AssetBar!

Is SO good.
Is SO true.

Read today!

PARENT COMMENT.

so when I was a kid, I used to sometimes have dreams where in the dreams I would be fucking my sister. I kinda assumed that this was kinda normal, and I didn't think of it as a problem, because in actuality I wasn't too interested in actually fucking my sister most of the time.

sure, I know, I know, it might be taboo have a dream about fucking your sister, but I am sure that many many guys have had such a dream. If you consider that it's certainly normal to have a dream about fucking your sister's friends, and then you consider that the mind, when dreaming, may not exactly subscribe to an incest taboo, then you see how such fucked up dreamage might come about.

So here's the deal, right... I never *stopped* dreaming about fucking my sister, or her friends. I started having these dreams when my sister and I were around the age of 11 or 12 or so, and I'm now in my mid 20s and still having them!! I always figured that I would grow out of it at some point, that it was just my over-active teenage hormones driving the kaleidoscope of sexy in my mind.

The frequency of the dreams has diminished somewhat, but not their intensity, oh boy oh boy let me tell you... These aren't your average run of the mill 'hmmm that was a weird dream I had last night' dreams. No sir. These are wake up in the middle of the night with a 160bpm heart rate, rock hard cock, sheets soaked, and I don't mean with sweat...

But it gets worse... I would like to be able to say that I'm still a kid in my dreams, but I'm not. In these dreams, I'm my regular old self, mid-20s. But meanwhile, my sister and her friends are all still stuck in the pre-teen age range!

So what the hell, right! Should I get this checked out by a shrink? Or is it just normal to sometimes have whacked out dreams?

I'm pretty sure I'm not a pedophile. When I'm awake, I usually don't get turned on by pre-teen kids. So why is it that I do in my dreams? Is this something to be concerned about?

I tried an experiment for a while where I would cue up some pornography in itunes while I sleep. Some nice adult porn. I would set it in an endless loop and drift off. I thought maybe that could get my dream mind on a more normal tangent, but it didn't work, in fact, it had the opposite effect. It made my dreams all the more intense. So I tried changing the porn to granny porn, you know, that crazy shit where they get old people to do porn, and well... in my dreams, my sister's friends starting to get... wait for it... younger! So I stopped that experiment right away.

any advice that y'all can provide would be appreciated.

thanks.

also I would appreciate any advice real quick because my wife and her friend are starting a day care in our basement next week and I am concerned what effect all the screaming kids might have on my dreams. (I work nights so I sleep in the day.)

Regarding kids screaming in your basement -- they only scream for the first few days -- then they get real quiet.

You only dream, man?

I can lend you the five bucks if you'd like to actualise.

Oh the irony of your username.

Remember at the bottom of "Ray's Place," this was written:
"* A Gentle Reminder (%u201CDisclaimer%u201D): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history. Not for readers under 18 years of age."

I think maybe it's a similar sentiment here. What is "normal" isn't as important as what's distressing, and if the dreams upset you maybe you should talk to someone about them (not your wife or sister, at least without figuring some stuff out first). But the point is, you're probably not going to get a lot of constructive advice on an anonymous messageboard following a cartoon of a squirrel talking to Kim Jong il. This may be the most comfortable place to let it out, but it's probably not going to offer you good feedback.

It's important not to repeat any advice you've already gotten, so I must ask what folks from the comment sections of other Internet comics told you?

Ugh... lemon...

Cherry. (I regret the capslock already.)

It is the sixth law of thermodynamics.

Don't egghead in the ghetto.

Daddy wants to see you with your red shift on.

Kim Jong Il secretly lusts after the dark-skinned American women that he was never allowed to see as a child.

All I want to know is if the beautiful, nude woman card reminded him of prosperity and eternity before or after he used it as a shitwipe. I can make a case either way.

the twist!

Total Joy is completely relative, so it isn't so unbelievable that Lita Ford would've experienced her Total Joy multiple times.

Kiss her once, kiss her twice, come on Dear Leader
kiss her deeeaaadly!

That was an example. A reference to her hit song is enough to get Lita joying for about three consecutive minutes. Incidentally, that is also what her comeback single is going to be.

You'd be amazed at what a woman can accomplish in an evening if you threaten to Close Her Eyes Forever.

Prosperity and beautiful, naked women form the modern Ouroboros. They are the head and tail of a vicious and eternal cycle.

come on, man.

stocking toe

this just in. not givin' a shit does wonders for ur stress levels. i am so fuckin' relieved alla time now and i do that :( <--(eh) face all time insted o stressin over shit. its gr8 yall shuld try it. i am happy

yeah man i mean i smoke weed and i totally don't afraid of anything, nothing gets to me at all

feels good man

...and it's all small stuff. ;-)

Shit man. Titties need to be respected. Sometimes they are on unexpected things.

I can think of infinitely many things that are more productive for society and individual welfare than what you just proposed. In fact, I am constantly hitting "random article" on Wikipedia and each one seems more intrinsically valuable than this.

if it says it can't download the file without a premium account, that just means the server is busy and you just have to keep trying.

oh I forgot to add you might have to set firefox privacy to block cookie from touamb.com for it to work proper. this prevent touamb.com from knowing if you are unique visitor

A righteous middle finger probes the rectum of inanity. The children sleep. All is right.

My greatest regret for today is that I had too few chubbies to chubby kiss_my_ass.

And after last weekend I have many things I should be regretting much more.

comment/avatar synergy etc

YOU ARE... IDIOT!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Side_of_the_Mountain

excellent point. todd is not too far gone.

The point that Onstad is trying to convey here is that it is a bad idea to share a country with Kim Jong-il.

Posted here 'cause we ain't allowed in on Mr. Millionaire's opus yet.

I <3 u

'tis a blessing. that friggin sucks. and not the way you want it to, either

I have a feeling that the ONSTAD CRITIQUES of Assetbar are going to have a fucking field day with this masterful creation

But at least Malkies has a FREE fanflow.

::peeks in from behind door::

Is it...is it safe...?

Yes, it's safe, it's very safe, it's so safe you wouldn't believe it.
Is it safe?
No. It's not safe, it's... very dangerous, be careful.

Diamond, not Dustin!

Not Dustin Diamond!

wel tha fuckin assetbar is working again

what tha fuck!

frist psotQQQ!!!

Who died an elected you moderator?

We can discuss what we want where we want.

I'd like to discuss your mother, here and now.

Discuss the helllll out of her.
Until she is sooo discussed...

Until she is the discussedest she is ever being.

more like discussededest

More like discussting

What do you think we were already discussing, you faggot douchenozzle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqVBe_SMQe8

Attention please

all discussion below this header is for the guest strip. thank you.

frist psotQQQ!!!

DOOK DOOK DOOK

hey man pass the dook

X>X

DOOK DOOK DOOK


BARF

HIDEKI MATSUI WITH 3 DOOKS TO LEAD THE YANKEES TO

NUMBER

27

i like this guy but the tv show is super-shit.

also im glad achewood was funny today.

Also that sort of old school Mustang (66ish?) is beautiful.

It is a 1965 Ford Galaxie

Now you can read my comment below and laugh heartily (if not belatedly).

I didn't think it was the Galaxie of actual Achewood fame, this being a guest strip.

So it was a guest Galaxie? So that means then that 'Ray' and 'Beef' must also be stand-ins?

I didn't think Tony Millionaire looked back into the archives or knew that about 6 years ago Ray bought a 1965 Ford Galaxie when his song "Everybody Dance Like There's Ass In Your Pants" became a big hit, you'll have to excuse my horrific idiocy.

So FUCK YOU is what I'm trying to say.

nice-on-water?

So PICK UP YOUR TOYS AND PUT THEM BACK IN YOUR PRAM is what I'm trying to say.

TAKE your pram and SHOVE IT up your BRITISH WORD is what I'M trying to SAY.

Backing off out of respect.
I believe that word is the same in American English, Mr Oil-On-Water?

No "pram" in my 'Merican.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pram

The 'word' being respect.

Arse > ass

Oh, I'm only joshing.

De wawduh's bin scarce since de contamination from de mine collapse, bin driggin arl from de truck tru a starwr in'n arl pan, furda bull'tins as events warrun.

It's Seppos that still have coal mines. The Brits closed theirs 20-odd years ago.

FUCK YOU, ORGANISED LABOUR! SCREW YOU!

You're not going to blame Milk-Snatcher?

Poor Maggie just loved that milk so much.

Tony gets mad props for doin' his homework (or maybe he's an actual fan -- maybe he's a contributor to this board!)

Hmm, fellow artists contributing to fellow artists boards.
Interesting concept...

Been checking out Tony Millionaires' stuff on the net. Dude's got talent, reminds me of the Firkin cartoons by Hunt Emerson. Nice to have a one-off gag based strip for a change.

. . . Thank you for tuning in to this very special episode of Assetbar.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program . . .

Just kidding, Mr. Millionaire. I've been a Maakies fan for many years.

Kudos on your commission to do Elvis' latest cover:

OK, I've made amends. But Ted Rall is still a dick!

Yeah, I had a little time for Rall when he was just about the only satirist not to moderate/gag himself at the start of The War On Trrr. But now he just grates on my nerves.
He occasionally makes a cogent point, but he mostly just seems like a contrarian asshole.

With all this talk of Streetfightin' Tony Millionaire, I'm surprised noone has mentioned the sublimely horrible and weirdly delightful Sock Monkey.

For anyone who hasn't seen it, Sock Monkey recounts the adventures of Uncle Gabby and Drinky Crow in their parallel lives as ... alive stuffed animals running riot within the confines of a house.

Huh?

Now justwait a second...

Sock Monkey surely has it's roots in the Robert Williams painting below:

If you haven't seen this guy's work, check it out, very much of the same genre as Von Dutch, Ed Roth, Coop et al.

Robert Williams is one of my personal heroes of modern painting.

Do you know when this one is from?

Not sure exactly, but I think it's late 70's/early 80's, about the same time as 'Appetite For Destruction' (which gained notoriety when Bon Jovi used it as an album cover).

A joke or a genuine mistake? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.

And by Bon Jovi I of course mean Guns N' Roses.
Rackum Frackum...

There ya go.

He does indeed seem to "wax Roth".

Tell Roth to wax the professor a while.

oh yes I did just beat jeffspaulding to the punch

Complain, complain, complain, you ahh, you need a tissue?

How you and an elephant got into the punchbowl, I'll never know


waggle-waggle-waggle

Would've been interesting to see what an Achewood strip drawn by Basil Wolverton (RIP alas), or Robert Crumb (still with us) would be like. I'm thinking Fritz The Cat, in a Ray stylee...

JIM WOODRING!

Though for some reason, I get the idea that Frank and the cats wouldn't get on well at all. Philippe might befriend him at first, but would probably never recover from the experience.

BOO

Is that what we're calling Sodomy now?

*waggles eyebrows/cigar humorously*

Insert that picture of Rainier Wolfcastle here.

THATS_THE_JOKE.JPG

Assetbar really hates it when the month changes, apparently.

Just like your mom!

OH, SNAP

No.

Excuse me, please scroll up a little bit for the designated mom discussion section.

DAMN! I could make a bloody C64 DEMO out of this!

Question is WILL THE SID CHIP HANDLE IT?!

the only sucky hotpockets are the panini ones..... [[dryheave]]

This takes too much effort to read :(

My lips got tired.

Oh wait! that was from fellating my cat.

shut up fag

That's what I say to my dad.


(he's always so chatty while he's rodgering me with his fist)

congratulations black people you now have a black serial killer. them are rare. (Anthony Sowell)

Dangit, this arc isn't over yet?

This Ark is NEVER over:

I feel like I done been told a great story about arks... on the internet.

Wow.

Tell me, did you think it was a COOL STORY?

Yes, I thought it was extremely excellent.

Explain to me. Are you a typical oracle, or are you an atypical oracle?

Wassamatter, you never heard of a "Typi Caloricle" before?

Flowchart: You need an oracle.

I am an atypical oracle. I had considered rendering my username as such, perhaps with underscores, but then it seemed too long. On occasion I am also a typi caloricle, which is a sort of fish-magnetizing device used in alchemy.

Arkeology is a Science!

Archeology is not an exact science.

Belloq.

It is an inexact science about fallen arches.