Correction: "I guess we all gotta have a hobby."

It would seem mine is editing posts obsessively. The Pat-semblance is saddening :(

Well spoken against the Troll. *thumbsup*

Okay, now that is an awesome phrase. I shall write it down, steal it, and never credit you for it as I don't know your name. If I do credit it, it shall read "Person who wrote something neat on the internet."

I only go by the name shown here.
I'm the one and only SotiCoto.

Google it... and you will find places I've been, people who have spoken about me, and people who have satirised me.
Any other name is unimportant.

I have to agree with ghede. That is one hell of evocative turn of phrase.

Why thank you... whoever you are.
Who are you anyway?

Apparently your identity crisis is chubbifiable. This intrigues me.

Not as much as the word 'chubbifiable' intrigues me.

chibbied for . . for.. being.. that which is nobody else. How did you some up with it?

soticoto you remind me of a better-phrased version of the plastic bag kid from the movie I never saw, American Beauty. Props, dude.

You'd better believe Phillipe has wicked sack.

The cycle is complete. With Lie-Bot and Lyle around, I really dread to think of all of the various social taboos that have been normalized for our little otter via this algorithm.

...And thanks! The amount of love (or at least recognition) this avatar's received in a couple of weeks here severely outweighs that which it's garnered anywhere else for the past three or four years that I've been using it. Achewood fans are a classy and well-read bunch, but we all already knew that...

It may be a little bit awkward to respond to a comment about love of someone's icon only to say that I also love your icon, but I also love your icon. One of my favorite novels.

What novel is that? I'm not familiar. I'm such a philistine.

We Await Silent Tristero's Empire

We're All So Terribly Excited.

I am commenting from THE FUTURE to tell you I also love your avatar. Also, have you noticed how totally influenced Gibson's 'Pattern Recognition' is by Crying?

he's merely just mimicing teodor.

Panel 6: Checking watch, annoyed at Teodor for making him wait to eat candy.
Panel 7: Squinched up face over nasty things T says.

Lamed by nbgreene again. That guy must really not enjoy the content of my messages.

Dude. You notice who lames you?

I am more bored than you. Also, I modify my behavior if I get lamed by someone I respect.

Wouldn't there be motion lines nest to Philippe's had if he were punching the air? Like the motion lines which indicate Teodor quivering with rage?

No lines = No motion = No punching air

No motion = Philippe imitating the behaviors of the adult he is currently admiring.

Rowboat has got this one figured out.

Crap.

Motion lines neXt to Philippe's haNd.

Crsp.

i didn't notice the misspelling until you pointed it out. but, now; haha you misspelled a word!

Ten thousand thundering typhoons!

Captain haddock is the reason I can't grow a beard any more. I've become deathly afraid of setting it on fire or getting it caught in things or even whether I should sleep with it over or under the blankets.

Ah, Captain Haddock. I long for a return to the days when the main supporting character in a children's book could be a sweary middle-aged drunk.

Would you all please stop playing the goat?

Sometimes, for me, it's the other way around.

guy THIS fuck?

ugh - assetbar moved me. (comment was in re: "Phillipe does have a little huge sassy black lady in him. Don't we all...")

The first time I saw it I thought he was checking his watch on panel 6, thinking the phone call was dragging on. This is probably wrong as he has no watch and probably can't tell time anyway.

I then decided that was him getting a peice of gum or candy from his stash and then panel 7 was his chewing.

I'm pretty sure he's mimicking Teodor's posture in panels 6 and 7, so Rowboat's pretty much right

Trust the Tomster, brah.

Yes. He would be exactly like that douchebag realtor in I Love You, Man.

Yes, I read it as that only I pronounced it "*sucking in air between your front teeth sound*, BUUUUURRRRRRRRNNNNN", which is the British way.

If they have no problem showing this, just IMAGINE what kinds of things he said at LN's birthday party!

Looks like there's a new wizard in town

http://youtube.com/watch?v=odkRXpyAu48

At some point in the last six months this video was removed. Anyone who saw it remember what it was?

generally, i call it gross.

Your search - "Mr. Wizard COME ON SHOW HIM BOILING SHIT" did not match any documents.

T has been off the hook lately.

the man can talk dirty.

Potentially saying "shivering anus"

That shit is dirty.

I am really enjoying how much we've been seeing him lately.

I totally agree. This kind of a thing is aggravating. But maybe not in front of a 5 year old.
I wouldnt be spontaneous enough anyhow to spout those many abuses in a single breath! teodor becomes my hero.

This smacks to me of something that Onstad saw, and upset him so much he put it into the strip.

snip

Google knows.

But does Google care?

What an amazing site. Of course I'm such an ass the first thing I punch in is my band vs. other local bands.

It's interesting to see him using pajamas.

he's anticipating a bit of an angry sweat...

side note, I would seriously consider buying a nice classy turtle-neck sweater with a big T on it out of the Achewood shop.

John Tomino - the seminal turd.

Perry Appleton? No Way! Dude's all show.

but I love the WASTE. Dr. Hilarius, is that you?

While his early work might've relied too heavily on smoke and mirrors, I feel that there are some subtle but truly astonishing experiments with form and technique in the later portion of his oeuvre () that were overshadowed due, as you say, to his previous showiness.

...And nope, I'm not Dr. Hilarious. I did, however, audition unsuccessfully to play bass in the Paranoids.

Oops. Those parentheses should've contained some of the examples I was referring to: "Soap Ice Cream" and "Triple Divorce Over Christmas Break In Mauve," specifically.

I hear he also owns a grocery store in Pittsburgh, or so saith Google

Yeah, I saw that, but decided to not post it, as I'm guessing it's not the same guy*, and should thus not receive any undue comeuppance from, potentially, the one rabidly crazy Acheworldian. I mean, this guy might be a turd, too, but perhaps not the seminal turd of which we are concerned.

*That's if Onstad didn't use a fake name - which would be unlike him given his known proficiency in creating the most awesome of fake names (see Great Outdoor Fight) - however, I would assume the possibility that he used the dude's real name to be higher, given that he actually got one of these on All Hallo's Eve, and it was actually enraging toward him.

You're operating on the unproven assumption that the alt text is true, though.

I love Teodor when he's really and truly pissed about something. <3

also "boil in a bucket of gypsy shit" is getting used on someone today.

Oh snap. Is that a chubby I have for thee? Yes. Yes it is.

YOU BASTAAAAAAAARDS

John At Tom: "I know reality."

... OOOOOOOOOH!

it's realty.

You know you've done wrong when a dude has hopes of boiling gypsy shit for you.

Aw...I'm all outta chubbies to give...

"Paris Hilton's labia"... Hehe! Nice one.

I don't know about the others, but I've read of people getting paid to have adds tattooed to them. Apparently some people even make a living wage in this way.

Yeah, in Vice the other month or whatever, there were those pictures of those kids hanging out at the beach, and some company like Lost or something had gone down there with some stencils and some paint and stencilled these kids up, "Hi! I'm some twelve year old girl, look at my sweet stencil! Yeah, I know! I let some sleazy mid-twenty year old halfway down my pants so he could spray this shit on. Hold on, I think that's enough of you talking to me, the people at the company said that I should be careful who I'm seen in public with."

It would have been nice to see T down there getting his rage on - instead it was some photographer taking beautiful photos of these stupid kids.

Advertising on police cars
And your death will sell you out

2 of those things (tattoos and shaving) have already happened. I just want to know the exact wording of that marketing pitch. "Whereas other, outdaded advertisers try to convince people that famous and/or sexy people use their product, we will convince the public to buy our shit by showing that it is a favorite of lunatics who shave billboards into their own heads. Because everyone aspires to be that guy."

You could have started and stopped with Paris Hilton's labia. The notion that what should be hidden is now appealing as advertising space, and only as that, is what was funny.

What about those little bland Valentine hearts?

If Onstad really did get three of those then God is dead and there is no innocence left in the world.

This is the funniest comment I have ever seen.

Advertising really has invaded medical charts. I had to hand-carry some recently, and there was pharmaceutical company crap all over them.

just man up and put the link next time

Come on, people, BBcode isn't that hard. All it takes is ten seconds to read over what you've written... but I guess that's asking a lot from Internet folks.

Here, I'll do it.

http://m.assetbar.com/achewood/uua1Cgw9k

I love that the recent spate of BBcode cock-ups has resulted in a generational and growing fear of BBcode in general, to the point that we are increasingly side-stepping it, quivering at the thought of the resulting embarrassment of the cock-up. Curiouser still, given the fact that such screw-ups only result in hilarity, chubbies, and indirect threats of knifing from a sock puppet anthropomorphic manifestation of the AssetBar itself. This would surely be reason to keep on screwing it up.

When I was introduced to computers and e-mail, I was told it was rude to comment on other people's typos. I think the same goes double for BBCode.

Did you know that certain characters get stripped out of your BBCode when you post a comment to AssetBar, so proofreading doesn't fix everything? For example, if a URL contains a search string, the plus signs don't get through.

Well if THAT ain't the suckinest. Also, I was reared by a secretary growing up, so I have this intrinsic desire to have perfect spelling everywhere. Thankfully, be it through her or myself, I have also learned to not be an utter douche about it toward other people. Just as you know from your introduction to it, such a knowledge is important to follow.

What I want is this Assetbar to get so utterly self-reflexive that we all end up posting panels for the comic and Onstad just starts typing up same-page BBcode links to the panels in the comments below it (and now I don't care if the latter is possible).

Your wish is granted.

Sorry, that was not your wish. But the link works. Fuck.

thank you! geez!

It seems pretty ridiculous to me that ANYONE can mess up BBcode since it's like the simplest shit ever.

My favorite Achewood strip

See?

Simple things are easy to screw up. They require only simple mistakes.

to be fair, the sequels to the Final Destination movies are more entertaining than the first.

Ray once sold nearly $1600 of software to a five year old otter.

Man'd up and posted a link

Well the way Ray hands out money you never know what could happen. In fact, I'd like to see that!

The alt text makes me wonder what kind of special hell the housing market is going through in the general Achewood area.

Teodor is hardcore now.

Teodor has been talking dirty forever. The only difference is that now, he's concerned about doing it in front of the youth, while he used to consider it good entertainment for Little Nephew's birthday party.

I believe you've misunderstood the meaning of the word "now."

Take the time to review his performance over the last couple of weeks, and you'll see what I mean.

Good point. But still, he is hardcore once again. Because he was most certainly hardcore before. T-bag is merely returning to the halls of the hardcore.

So many curses, so little time. Rock on T, rock on. Also, Philippe's faces in panels 6 and 7 are the best.

Agreed. Philippe's expression in panel 6 is priceless. Tiny fin curled up in indignant rage is a perfect mimicry of Teodor's rant. Monkey see, monkey do.

I'm partial to Phillipe's subsequent cringe at the righteous verbal smackdown the poor dude on the phone is receiving. On the other end of that phone a guy is recoiling as though struck in the face. Teodor has the motherfucking Voice.

Panel 1, Phillipe holding out his bag to T from that angle is so cute.
Is that a righteous otter flipper-fist I see in panel 6?! Amazing.

T's anger over this is so potent too. Who knew that real estate advertisement warranted the same level of action as razorblades stuck in an apple?
Last, but not least, Mr. Wizard FTW!

The otter hand is a complex appendage. A paw with both webbing and claws. I don't know if you could call it a flipper, though. You may be confusing Philippe's hand with the Incan God of neck-ties.

Comments on earlier posts have referred to it as a flipper, so that is why I referred to it as such. True, otters rather have paws though. For grippin' and crackin' those shells open. Still a-freakin-dorable!

Dr. Philippe's first huge cuss. I expect to hear about this if I'm wrong.

Phillipe didst inquire about the C-word last Friday Facts. That was epic indeed.

Ah, yes. First one spoken, maybe?

dirtiest dudes

If Teodor acted this way with a real-estate card, how do you think he'd react if there was a razor blade in Phillipe's Tootsie Roll?

T-dor does not only talk dirty, he talks redundantly. See also: "I want you to wake up to the fact that you have turned a children's holiday into an ad for your fucking real estate company." I believe that John Tomino already knows this. Theoneyouwant can ask him about it at work tomorrow.

That is an actual phone number he uses. Alas, it's disconnected. I was really looking forward to screaming at Mr. Tomino for pissing Teodor off that much.

Me too. I was too excited when I saw the number. I didn't really plan on screaming at the guy, but instead asking him how many times he'd been called a seminal turd so far.

I like to think the reason it's been disconnected is because irate Achewood reader's have already taken to venting their spleens at the company through it.

Achewood readers. Sheesh.

Just business cards? Not even strapped to a candy bar or something? Holy FUCK. Those Chick tract assholes just got topped.

I don't want to be the one to break it to Philippe that Mr. Wizard is Canadian. They do crazy shit with shit up there -- boiling it is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

Canada: Doing crazy shit with shit since 1867.

YES. YES PHILIPPE. He's like "Viva La Revolucion!"

I would wager that this expletive-laced tirade has been enhanced by a Halloween candy induced glucose time-bomb.

"You're teaching the future to suck.." (a very good line so far)
"..and the children to swallow!" (It doesn't get much better than lines such as this line)

Philippe! You're cussing!

No cussing!

Who's cussing?

I'm cussing!

(Hint: Me. It's me.)

You know I'm forced to wonder... has anybody ever actually SEEN a doctor wear one of those things on their heads?

I think they've become antiquated. I think they were probably legit like 30 years ago,

I actually asked my doctor to start wearing one of those once.

She is not a happy lady.

More like 50 years ago. I know this because I can remember going to the doctor in the 60s, and I have never seen one.

Depends on which you are talking about, the Best Before expiration date or the Discard After expiration date.

I would say I still have a couple of days left before reaching the former, and at least several months before the latter.

insist that no throw you out when you reach one of those, citing that 'I'm still good you can't even smell anything.'

Cecil of the Straight Dope knows all.

I have seen doctors wearing the little mirror. Nowadays, though, the equivalent is an LED flashlight strapped to the forehead, with a battery pack at the waist.

Yeah, but if you wore that on Halloween as part of a doctor's outfit, people'd be like "Oh isn't that cutest little costume that otter has on! A scientist/spelunker!"

Alternatively, a speleologist. Thank you Wikipedia.

Yeah, definitely an anachronism now.

W...

h...

I think that might be the most awesome thing I've ever heard of, but I'm not sure.

I gotta go take stock.

Okay guys, what Norrin is talking about links to this page. I don't know what the hell it is, but it seems to have been put together by a crazy person and there is some really funny shit in there, like a guy who wrote a story for a college class and then claimed that it was stolen from him and made into a movie starring Terry Farrell and David Hasselhoff.

I just spent so much time reading that website. It was worth it though for:

"83) The following Hollywood actors conspire against and torture honorably discharged soldiers who have not committed any crimes in exchange for money to support their cocaine habit:
The actor who played Jody Foster's FBI boss in The Silence of the Lambs.
The actor who played an African American Starfleet Officer in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and had a bug stuck in his ear by Khan.
Jeri Ryan.
Kevin Nealon

Also, I just invented a great game to play on that website.
Your mission is to find the ONE person/group out of the 100 something he has listed, who he specifically says "did not do cocaine." The prize is... well I guess all I have to give is one chubby, but there's also a lot of glory involved because this is on the internet.

Some years back during a mechanical frustration in the drive, I flouted in a similar fashion. Spent, I looked up to discover my sainted mother had wandered by and heard all the flouting. I hated that.

sadly, neither are my chubbies.

Yeah,'cause if you had infinite chubbies the girls would never let you out of bed.

It is okay, it happens to everyone.

I've got some ointment for that.

Three these-es, three wished buckets of Gypsy shit. Good times.

Don't worry Téodor, there's no way your flouting could be worse than that.

the last panel causes me to pray to all that is considered holy that Phillipe doesn't begin to cuss. i don't think Onstad would let that happen but i've been wrong before. (Exhibit A, The Colorado Rockies.)

oh, and to Torino's credit..it is a whole Hershey bar instead of the silly 'fun' sized ones.

*Tomino. f-..f-..frick.

hah. good point.

(Exhibit A: The Colorado Rockies)

Sweep! Whoo!

Chubbies (I'm out for this page). Yes, Assetbar, I am Friendly. Don't use that tone with me.

Seconded. AssetBar is a jealous mistress

how did i miss this comment?

Every now and then Phillipe actually comes across as a bit of a "Rain Man" character rather than a 5 year old.

That is inevitable when you are five for years on end.

Jeepers, Nice Pete got off scott free from Teodor's Sailor Mouth, and he kidnapped the li'l guy!

No, he took him to get ice cream.

That's because Nice Pete drowns people who sass him in ponds. Mr Tomino just saddles such people with disadvantageous mortgages.

I would NEVER sass Nice Pete in a pond.

oh how you would thrash in the cold cold water...

This is amazing.

No One Can Stop Mr. Tomino!

Phillipe's doctor costume is rather lackluster. He needs a stethoscope.

ALERT ALERT
2007 weblog awards comic category nominations do not include achewood but do include a bunch of other bullshit.
achewood fanbase please commence burning the motherfucker down.

Suggested comment to leave in forum/guestbook/whatever:
"Where in the gay is achewood?"
It would be nice if we could all leave one uniform comment.

Oh my god I think I just came.

Tell that to the child you just sired.

God Bless you Mister Wizard :)

what's up, original bubs?

I sincerely hope that Philippe never finds out about jenkem.

Great strip, but now I am bummed out because I have been reminded that Don "Mr. Wizard" Herbert died this Summer :(

Mister Onstad there is something with you and full-size bars and halloween. http://m.assetbar.com/achewood/uuag1bgHQ

I guess stuffed animals and humans have different standards for "full-size" candy bars. By human standards that thing's barely fun sized.

No Teodor, laying the smack down on realtor scum is not bad parenting. You are a sword of righteousness.

There is indeed a time and a place for HUGE cusses.

This comic is easily one of my favorites

What is terrifying about Marmold is that the clerk doesn't claim to make it himself, just to "collect and package" it.

THAT is why Hillary Clinton's appearance on Sesame Street in the mid 90s was so wrong.

It makes him so pissed off he just instantaneously dials the number and gives him the 555-1212 without even considering that Philippe is still in earshot.

Personally, I'd like the think that Phillipe is dressed as Dr. Benway.

Is anyone else thinking Full Metal Jacket? Panel 3 especially.

This gets a five for me, because it really captures exactly how I would feel if I found an advertisement on a bar of candy during halloween.