Everything You Do Is Wrong

Everything You Do Is Wrong 11/24/2009 « prev 1st rand curr next »

They are reading Shit You Can Have if You Need Crap magazine

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You could be right there.

Isn't that what it says?

I don't understand. WHAT WAS THE FIRST POSTER GETTING AT?

Ah. Onstad. Editing. Already finished.

Sense.

maybe you'll get lamed for this, maybe not. i had the same first reaction. i defend your honor.

I defend his honour as his father!

IF I BE A FIRSTPOSTER IN GOMORRAH I BE A FIRSTPOSTER, BUT JUDGE ME NOT UNTIL YOU HAVE REAPED IN THE ACCOLADES AND CHUBBIES DUE SUCH A POST ENUMERATION!

Done. Judged. This one was more acceptable for being the Author's.

Onstad frits potsing. Alt text, none the less.

It's like Dr. Mahnattan teasing the Red Army to nuke him.

Could this be... a thing?

But what did it say before? Now you brought it up I DESPERATELY NEED TO KNOW.

It started off as "They are reading You Can Have if You Need Crap magazine", which kinda sounds like the brain damaged version of the magazine tailored for frazzled parents.

"Look dear things are crap to have we should want them. WEEP"

"Oh good honey we get them. Get now. Agh!"

man if I was onstad I would make frist psots all day long and I would fondle them and squeeze them.

That's why he's a better person than you are.

...And name them George?

Assetbar's 400-horizontal-pixel-limit, my old foe. We meet again.

Just right-click and open in new window or whatever.

http://www.brianp.net/assetbarista/

I... I have that and it doesn't change image size. I mean it's great and all but I don't want little lolsworth to get false hopes.

I have severe doubts that it would be worth the effort

Doubt not, lolsworth my friend. This ingenious little script reduces much of the confusion I previously suffered whilst cruising assetbar. Most notable is the "in-reply-to" feature, which manifests itself in the form of a direct hyperlink beside each comment. The link leads back UP the comment thread, so putting the comment you're reading into context is only ever a click away

SCIENCE MOUSE IS THE BAND OF 1981

This inspired me to search google images for "science mouse", but I'm starting to wish it hadn't.
Otherwise, cute cat. The font reminds me of "Lungs". Is that a Moog?

Yes. For when you need the bass of the future!

Oh yes, the font, which is important- Microgrammma(1952) found on car dashboards, the JVC logo, yamaha recievers, all MOOG synths after the Minimoog, the old cannondale bicycle logo, stoves, microwaves, toasters, signs, star trek texts, NCIS opening credits, Ford cars and trucks, and anywhere else you need to have a font that is to be taken SERIOUSLY.

Nice cat.

They don't make fonts like that anymore.

Hey now little mouse, show me what to do.

Thou shall posteth quotes from mine favourite show

This looks, distressingly enough, a lot like my cat.

I know this is an old deal, but your avatar-comment synergy here is nice.

You're not new here. How do you not know that the assetbarrio does not dig lolcats?

Wow, the sight of a cat beneath some Impact text really offends people, huh? Look, I'm as sick of lolcats as anyone, but the idea made me chuckle, so I took a chance. In conclusion,

Considering that the topic of discussion was "Shit You Can Have if You Need Crap" Magazine, I personally didn't think that an image macro reading "I Can Haz if I Need Crap?" was entirely unacceptable.
Yes, we understand that lolcats are usually inappropriate and, more importantly, not "cool". Grow up.

this isnt the borg, motherfucker. speak for your damn self. everyone here isnt a jaded, self-appointed, paragon of intellect.

Although obviously some of us are: it would be more correct to say "Not everyone here is..."

Oh gee, now I'm getting all nostalgic for the good old days.
Who needs drugs?
Not parents!

Or a poorly translated Japanese scat fetish monthly.

I am in awe of the Great and Powerful Oz-stead, who corrects typos via frist pst.

You think this is the real Onstad?

IT IS

NO ONE DARES LAME THIS FIRST POST

HA HA!

YOU ARE ALL DICKLESS IN THE FACE OF YOUR SUPERIORS, ASSETBARBARIANS

/Cruise-control

I have used up my lame allotment. Gonna do something nice for a change, instead.

There, I just lamed it. Happy?

yep

There, I lamed it. Are you happy, TheGoblins impersonator? ARE YOU HAPPY!

[b]>Implying that I am impersonating TheGoblins

Fuck you,Assetbitch.
>Implying that I am impersonating TheGoblins

you... you are wearing her face.

>implying that avatars necessarily depict the visages of the User

YOU'RE WEARING HER FACE YOU'RE WEARING HER FACE!

What, this face?

that is not her face

that is the face of Hollywood actor Christian Bale.

(Christian Bale is actually English, though born in Wales (or did you mean "actor who has appeared in Hollywood-produced films"?))

Hollywood's like the Borg, man. Doesn't matter where you're from or who you are, it will assimilate you.

Does this mean . . .

Hollywood is Hitler?!

what, then, becomes of bollywood?

Bollywood will continue in superior fashion, independently of Hollywood, for as long as we have the Mangeshkars.

I'm tired of this farce.

I hope farqussus goes old school and gets all up in Onstad's shit for posting the alt text.

God damn man, you and the sex offenders register are like dogs with bones. Oh, you, the sex offenders register and the RSPCA.

Was it mortifying? Was it absolutely awful to have to go door to door, telling people that you disapprove of Alt-txt posting?

No one seems to care that I didn't know it wasn't visible. I DIDN'T KNOW IT WASN'T VISIBLE!

It's pretty much my main job on assetbar.

I understand your situation perfectly. But I continue to find it hilarious long after anyone else stopped carrying. I like to think of myself as your personal demon. (I do not actually think of myself this way.)

Speaking of which - time to go for a jog deep, deep into the state park IAA2EMOPD (in an attempt to escape my own personal demons)

Let me know how that alt-text thing works out. TTYL.

carrying?

I thought it was "holding"?

My own

Personal

Demon.

Someone to show I erred.
Someone who carries.

No Depeche Mode fans huh

Man, not 90's Depeche Mode. It's like they were *trying* to get me not laid.

What were they doing, following you around? telling everyone on campus you have spreadsheets printed on your walls displaying stats for the teams in your dice baseball league?

TACPB(take a chill pill, bill.)

Man, having a kid will turn somebody _insane_ with sass.

The knocking is so happy.

A :) is the opposite of a :(.

...as in, a sudden intake of gasses through the anus?

That's not a good idea, ever.

It certainly worked for Le Petomane.

"As a youth he discovered he could take in via the rectum as much as two liters of water, which he could then expel at will. Later he found he could do the same thing with air."

You see, this is the sort of knowledge that you just can't get at a University. Another reason to read the internet instead of going to class.

It depends on one's university.

Not all of us go to NYU to learn to be giant farts

Yes, there are plenty of other fine colleges where one can become a giant fart.

I think it's more a product of your major than your school, though the two are certainly interlinked to a rather large degree. I, for one, majored in Cabaret and thus was able to attend a series of lectures on Le Petomane. It was interesting, but inconvenient as they were held in a nearby town. Still, it taught me a lot about rectal control.

Did you go to the New School in Florida?
I know a guy from there who got a doctorate in Frisbee.

Or watch QI.

New season.
Sooo good.

I think I was waiting for the F series more eagerly than any other show this year. All in all, it's probably my single favourite thing on TV.

Since they have another 19 series to get through, I was hoping they might start doing two series per year, as with HIGNFY.

This probably won't happen, as Mr. Fry seems like an exceedingly busy man, but it's great that this season is going to run to 16 eps instead of the usual 12.

Greatest practical joke ever?

Surely more of a party trick, albeit one you wouldn't like to trot out too often.

Dude was a famous performer at Le Moulin Rouge in Paris. He was pulling down 20,000 francs a show. Sometimes you have a talent and you learn how to take it all the way.

Tom Cruise will play him in the upcoming film adaptation. He's a reckless hotshot who plays fast and loose with his anus, but in the end he learns that even if he's an arrogant jack-off who's the best at what he does he needs friends or some other shit... it's not like he really changes that much.

Chubby, in spite of the mental image summoned by "...play fast and loose with his anus". Oh, and hello Rich Hall.

I maintain that pretty much every single film Tom Cruise has ever appeared in can be summarized the same way. It doesn't even matter who the director is.

Look at, say, "Eyes Wide Shut". He's a wealthy doctor with a hot wife and spends the whole time turning down wild sex because he's becomes an upset dick after his wife reveals that she had a really hot fantasy. In the end he learns that sex is awesome and he should fuck his hot wife.

Even "Magnolia" follows this paradigm, but he learns a bit more than in other films or at least seems more vulnerable.

Then again PT Anderson knows how to cast a film so that terrible actors with no range fit in perfectly, i.e. "Punch-Drunk Love".

Nah, it's a release of pleasant things from something other than the anus. Like, a bouquet of roses smell from her belly-button.

*ahem*

I hate the hooligans in my poop group. It's like having talent in a poetry workshop.

I have always suspected that Lyle might be a poop group hooligan.

Nah, he works solo.

What Mr. Yamahata fails to realize is that ten infants dying in Detroit is a good day for the city.

He loves it. He is Senior Dead Baby Correspondent.

His job is difficult, he requires many underlings to keep up with the infant mortality rate in Detroit.

On a related note:

What's thirteen inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night?

crib death

I am out of chubbies, but know that I chubby you in my heart.

tears are falling onto my chubby

TRIPLE CHUBBY.

For the big man.

Damn, I was going to say a suitably long skinning knife.

Rectal thermometer?

CATTLE PROD

bonus points if you guess where it's prodded

Raised toilet seat?

nice

I know it as "what's pink, wrinkled and stiff, and makes women squeal?"

Science Mouse...

Poor, poor Science Mouse.

I don't know, man, maybe this is just what Science Mouse needs in his life to get the flying squirrels to stop giving him shit at the Order Rodentia class reunion.

Note: I have no fucking clue if flying squirrels are rodents. Perhaps they are marsupials. Or maybe invertebrates. Me and Science, not so much.

squirrels are rodents, for sure. [wikipedia]

interestingly, there are things called sugar gliders that have the same schtick as flying squirrels but eveolved their abilities independently of the flying squirrel. Sugar gliders are marsupials, flying squirrels are rodents.

ALTERNATIVE: God created marsupial sugar gliders in Australia and rodent flying squirrels in N.A. because He really liked the idea of lil' flying guys tearing around so much that he did it twice.

know whats even more interestinger than that? sugar-glider jerky is friggin tasty!

only if you catch them wild. cage gliders don't get the raw sugar diet and they don't caramelise when you slow cook them.

boiled alive

Why? Humans have to pay mad $$$ to experience the same thing.

"Single Flight $31.95 (1 flight for 1 person) Flight Session - 3 minutes per person"

http://flyawayindoorskydiving.com/

$31.95 is mad $$$ for you?

Are you... are you from Circumstances?

$31.95 for three minutes might be.

chubbed for truth

Well, you can get three minutes with your mom for the same price...

times are tough, dude. although, chemicals are availble for a lesser fee that will give one a similar effect.

Prototype for Sid (Lloyd LaCuesta):

Stuck in a Miata
With Sidney Yamahata
- The Dickies

Sydney Yamahata is a hack, oughtta work at Manny, Moe and Jack.
Coming up next: naval lint and strategies for removing it without disemboweling yourself.

I hear that Naval lint is more water absorbent than Army or Air Force lint.

No lint absorbs more than Marines lint

Semper Fi!

I've always wondered: Faithful to whom?

That is not important, just that they are always faithful.

Anyway, eat the apple, fuck the corps.

"I LOVE the Corps!"
(alternatively, substitute "You secure that shit, Hudson!")

Stop yer grinnin' and drop yer linen.

Big ups to Lloyd LaCuesta and the KTVU news team. Channel 2 4 lyfe

In my head i pronounced "4" as "fer." I was about to correct myself, but then I realized that this must have been the intended pronunciation anyway.

"Fer" is acceptable, but "fo" is preferred.

Is, is that Faux Pho?

faux pho is fo fools

Mr. T pities the foo's faux pho, foe fo sho.

*SPLUT*

That soup looks like it would taste like vagina.

Yes, it does look quite good.

Pho is actually pronounced 'fer'. As in Pot-au-feu, which is believed to be the origin of the dish both linguistically and culinary. So colonialism wasn't all bad for the Vietnamese. They got some pretty tasty noodle dishes out of it.

...and those pate sandwich things, those are great.

Bahn Mi. Totally awesome and, like, $3 at most places.

I get it, having kids is friggin' harrowing. Geez. Messages

I actually found having a kid kind of fun, once he and I were on our own.

Please pardon the multiple posts, my computer locked up, so it seemed, and I hit "POST" several times in frustration.

Yes, that's usually the best solution.

I actually found having a kid kind of fun, once he and I were on our own.

was it fun? remind me...

I actually found having a kid kind of fun, once he and I were on our own.

whoa. pedophilia undertones x4 man. we get you need to confess

Why don't you take a seat over there.

this really didn't warrant a lame at all

edit: people might think i'm trolling Gob but srsly, that lame was unnecessary and I chubbied her to make up for it.

feel free to hurl your lames my way for going against the stream i guess

Huuuurl! Wait, no, I mean,

Huuuugs!

>Huuuuurl

this happened to me after i drank four parts whiskey

Four? Really?
Your userinfo does not lie, you must actually be 19.

Hey man, if I could buy drinks without having to ask people I'd be way more used to getting drunk

I like being a lightweight kid. Saves me a tremendous amount of money.

but then you get so drunk that PEOPLE STEAL YOUR FACE

AND SIT ON IT

oh come on that was just that one time and I said I was sorry. When you going to forgive and forget?

sweet

If you got a message to send, use Western Union

Philippe's shadow puppet repertoire also includes:

Toybox
Refrigerator
Superman comic
The American flag
The Mexican flag
Certain other flags

Hoover Dam
Stonehenge
Your Report Card
Legos
The Post Office
Baloney Sandwich
Mail sent to "Occupant"
Spain
7-11 "Gigagulp"

Sounds like a verse to 'We didn't start the fire'.

Kazenzakis, Rough Chuckles, Patrick Reynolds, Ray Smuckles
Ultra Peanut, Teodor, Cornelius Bear

Lyle Roscoe Gabriel, Molly Sanders gives beef hell
Circus Penis, Nice Pete%u2019s heinous, Trouble Man & No-No

Chucklebot, Lie Bot, Polly wow she%u2019s looking hot
Arthur%u2019s Glasses, Nephew%u2019s sasses, Great Outdoor Fight

Heavenly Blister, has he got a sister
Emeril, Tina%u2019s dippy, Hug the fuck out of them Phillippe!

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

LEONARD BERNSTEIN

V-chub.

Leonard Berenstein

"Pizzicato! You faggots"

Wow, scrolling past really fast, I thought this was a coloured picture of Cornelius.

The essential bear-ness was visible even at an exposure of 0.2 seconds

This post is sadly under-chubbied, but I've done my part.

Matt Groening? Is that you?

Phillipe is so 5 his knocks are sMiLeS

he is just a nice kid. he is just such a well-meaning little bastard who can't fucking tell the goddamn time of night FUCK you! FUCK poop group hooligans

The otter does not understand the proper use of the passive voice.

you mean his inside voice?

Onstad, married life with kids killed my will to live. Not cool, not a funny strip.

basically anything I do that involves getting out of bed kills my will to live

Why am I afraid to get a vasectomy

Eh, same reason I'm also afraid? Yeah, you dislike kids, but it's kind of permanent. It's a tough choice to do something that you'll never be able to take back and might have significant consequences for the rest of your life.

It's like getting a tattoo, but instead a dude cuts the main tube of your junk.

You know what else is something you'll never be able to take back and has significant consequences for the rest of your life?

Getting knocked up. Get a vasectomy. It's way less significant than a lady showing up at your door with a kid saying "here meet your son/daughter."

[This PSA brought to you by A Lady Who Does Not Want To Be Knocked Up]

Quote:

You know what else is something you'll never be able to take back and has significant consequences for the rest of your life?

Oh see I thought you were going to say herpes.

Kid > Herpes

I still think herpes is sounding like a better option here.

By "greater than", I meant "a greater pain in the ass/lifestyle". I should've clarified.

Except there are a zillion kids out there you can chum up with in a legal way to quell those urges. Little league coach, scout master, BB/BS, fostering, adoption, chinese black market... the list goes on.

The vas deferens is not the main tube of my junk.

human males are born with the instinct to protect thier own area. the idea of someone changing the mechanical workings thereof, even a doctor, sends signals to the brain that we call fear.

I don't think males are born with a desire to protect their ding-dongs greater than a desire to protect any other part of their bodies, I think that society plays a more significant part ("This is your ding-dong! It makes you a man!")
Whether by nature or nurture, I suppose ultimately a man would want to protect their ding-dong from being cut on, but I think that fear of a vasectomy might be more typically a case of "if it ain't broke..."

speaking from an evolutionary biology perspective, you want to protect your fingers more than you want to protect your toes (because fingers are more useful than toes) but both are absolutely worthless without a functioning ding-dong. So us being hardwired to protect our ding-dongs makes sense.

I'll concede that fingers have apparently greater utility than toes, but we'd still be fucked without 'em (toes). Personally, I'm more concerned about damage to my eyes inflicted by sharp, poking objects: they seem to be relatively squishy? And nasal helmets have been in use since the good ol' days. Is squishiness a factor in wanting to protect parts of one's anatomy, as well as utility?
What about female genitalia?
LADIES, do you feel especially protective of your lady-parts?

if squishy parts weren't important, they wouldn't be around, because squishy parts are a liability, evolutionarily speaking. So it's hard to separate utility from squishiness in a theoretical sense.

Some monkeys have actual bones in their boners. Stick that in your theory.

(This peevishness brought to you by some random bugger who lamed me. What the fuck did I do to you, random bugger? Or do you prefer to be called by your proper name: buggerer?)

some boners have actual monkeys in(on?) them.

yeah, so stick that in your boner!

Shove that up your bollocks!

I guard my lady-parts jealously. That's why I keep my gonads on the inside.

so THATS why dudes like to explore(and then pillage) secret places?

Stay tuned, because at 11:00 we'll be showing you the common household objects that could very well be killing your children even as I speak!

And now the weather, with Sam Rockhub.

THANKS SID AND IT'S GONNA BE ANOTHER HOOOOOT ONE TOMORROW

YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA FRY LIKE BACON IF YOU TAKE THEM OUT IN THAT HEAT!
- That was the weather forecast, sponsored by 'Shit You Can Have if You Need Crap magazine'. The paranoid parents favourite!

And speaking of heat, Sam, it turns out that dogs aren't the only things that die in hot cars! Our special report shows how YOUR kids are at risk.

Speaking of bitches in heat, Sid, it turns out your children may be getting laid in the back of a car! Our special report shows you which models to look for, how to use a SunTan(R) Heat Lamp to check for discharges on the seat, and more!

And so the future of the Kazenzakis dynasty comes to an end.

this thing about brain development is supportive of the idea that having your kids watch animated cartoons will probably dull their brain. kids need interaction. with people. We can deduce that at least watching real people interact on TV might be better than watching friggin cartoons interact. Except for Achewood. These cartoon cats is more complicated and intelligent than most people you meet in a day.

Happy is he who taketh thy little ones and dasheth their heads upon the popular culture.

nice psalms reference bro!

is it wrong that I just had an image of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck holding babies by the thighs and swinging them around, both just totally smiling...

Shrill and pompous scold, troy_convers, continues to lame local man's every comment, proving himself humorless in the face of rough chuckles.

Ah suck my vomit jokes.
The cars still waiting...

Wozzek, enjoy your one way trip to Ignore-land ya scum-sucking Mollusc.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Worst avatar/comment synergy. Or the best.

Nice avatar/comment synergy.

I wonder how Chris's wife feels about him publishing this kind of honesty.

In the end, it's much healthier than her coming home from grocery shopping to find that he's vented his fury upon the kid by drowning it or something.

sick: some dude nearby beat his girlfriends 2 year old girl with a playstation controller because she wouldnt stop crying. hes going to jail for the rest of his life, i think, and the chick has to serve some time for negligence.

was the playstation okay?

I'll bet it was confiscated. that's the problem with buying shit at government auctions; you never know how it may have been abused

That happened with me and my girlfriend's kid, too. Got off scot-free when I pointed out that it was a Wiitroller and I was simply trying to dice an onion on Cooking Mama when the little bastard got its stupid fontanelle in the way.

Kid should be glad it wasn't a real knife.

Well, the kid's never too sad or glad about anything anymore. She's more of a glassy-eyed drooler since the incident.

Nothing that wouldn't have happened anyway what with kids TV and all.

It is terrible that a virus is damaging the kidneys of children. Kidneys should only be damaged when you're an adult, and with alcohol, not viruses.

like showbiz?

"Mom? Dad? Anybody home?"
"MARTIN VAN BUREN! JAMES MONROE! JOHN QUINCY ADAMS! CALVIN COOLIDGE!"
"Nooooooooooooooooooo!"

Did they rename the Sharper Image?

Yes. It was renamed to "So Fucking Bankrupt You'll Wish You Had Bought That Fucking Bullshit Air Purifier Just So You Could Hang Out In One Of Those Massage Chairs While Waiting On Your Girlfriend To Take a Shit At The Mall, LLC"

I have one of those chairs. It's terrific.

The guy is a total douche and the girl on the left isn't really that interesting, but the girl on the right gives me the feeling that she goes anal on the first date. Also, she is a huge fucking bitch and will continue to cause problems for you after you break up, but even knowing that you'd probably still do it all over again.

Belgand still calls it spooning.

"Isn't really that interesting"? OMG BELGAND YOU FUCKING RACIST BASTARD.

I know right. Everyone knows races makes everything interesting.

Well, can he clarify if he meant "observer right" or "picture right"? I think it could go either way. It all depends if the girl likes The Doors or Howlin' Wolf when she's lookin' for a back door man.

Was that last sentence too racist, or not racist enough? Man, I just don't know anymore.

You're totally right about that girl going anal. Since you gave me a chubby it's only fair that I return the favor.

Wait, your left or stage left?

Please. No one wants to see that.

her head shiny dogg :) lol needs more powder

So, Beef is wearing a t-shirt, huh?

(I used to play Science Mouse, but we didn't have mice so it was more usually just Science Toy With Toilet Paper Parachute)

What is wrong with Yamahata's mouth? Looks like the top of Phineas Gage's skull.

too soon. not cool.

wasn't it phineas cage? or maybe my psychology textbook was wrong.

and it totally does.

Who knows? It's lost in the phogg of memory.

a chubby phor you.

phuck year, you motherphuckers

Nope, "Gage". Don't get me started on this.

So. You think you can just come swanning in here with an animated Futurama avatar, do you.

Too bad the quality's so low that only an obsessive Futuramahead like me knows what's going on.

*drops tha mic*

fuck you

"There little friend, good as new!"
WHOOMPH!
"AWW-HUH-HUH-HAWL!!!!"

Fine. I'll fucking change it, goddammit. (that I was going to do so anyway is irrelevant now)

I look forward to the day you have an Evil Dead avatar of any description. You will rue, you will.

And more to the point, a little searching shows the underlying synergy between the continuous reaching of your avatar and the sad longing of your username:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1XBISSjvek

I...I understand you now. I feel we have grown closer.

Of course, be sure to read the description.

That is wonderful. Y'know... in a scary way.

And please don't change your avatar. If even one person (me) draws amusement from it, then it is the most beautiful thing in the world.

Shame on you, i_love_kate.
shame on you.

I'm gonna hunt down an animated Hubert Farnsworth avatar now, just so I can start every message with: "GODD NEWS EVERYONE!"

GOOD.
GOOD, damn you Convers, GOOOOOOD.

TIIIIIIIITS!

This is, in fact, the secret origin of Nicholas Cage. Back in the '70s when he was flush with cash and riding high on his success Francis Ford Coppola joined forces with George Lucas to bring Phineas Gage forward in time to hang out with them. While it seemed like a cool idea at the time it quickly devolved and Lucas wanted nothing more to do with the whole affair. Coppola therefore passed him off as his nephew, changed his first name, and paid off the psychological establishment to incorporate a subtle misprint into the record to disguise his true name. Having no marketable skills and being a dangerously unhinged person with no reference for proper behavior in this century he became an actor.

Truly this explains everything.

Isn't it just insane to think that he has an Oscar?

Was it for "Lost Weekend 2: Electric Boogaloo"?

He satisfies my opinion that all actors are either blank, dim canvases for a director to paint on, or are regular people adept at playing one single role.

"This is a snakeskin jacket! And for me it's a symbol of my individuality, and my belief... in personal freedom."

The worst part is that that was his actual, personal jacket. He brought it in from home. I have to believe that David Lynch just latched onto that and took it to where it needed to go.

Or was it the best part?

I must admit that if that was like $20 or so at the thrift store I would purchase it. I still regret failing to purchase a red velvet blazer I initially tried on as a joke. I console myself that not only did it cost too much, but it probably didn't even fit very well.

As for the former - he's had some of the best directors in the history of the medium painting on him. A guy could do worse. And as for the latter - like him or not, this comment doesn't apply to his career at all. He's had a lot of excellent roles and a number of bad ones. All have been unique. For better or worse, the man is dynamic.

I'm rowboat. I'm the guy who will defend the career of Nicholas Cage to a stranger on the internet.

Well he's in Werner Herzog's next film, and Werner's no slouch. Every once in a while he bats one out of the park.

Yeah, I saw a trailer for that in front of A Serious Man (great fucking film) and it looked interesting. I wish it didn't have that tacky Bad Lieutenant title though. There's no way in hell that's going to be a franchise, nor should it be.

I could see it going either way. Cage has the potential to be the K-Mart knock-off version of Klaus Kinski.

It's not really The Bad Lieutenant if there's no flaccid Keitel cock dance.

It's a different Bad Lieutenant with dirty designer underwear from Katrina overflow.
But that's a great review of a flick I'd forgot.

Cheaper than therapy, full of breeder's remorse, and hey, maybe it'll make a T-shirt.

All this stuff about kids makes me want kids less.

That's kind of the joke.

I get that. But I mean, EVEN less. And I already REALLY DON'T WANT KIDS. As in, to the Nth degree. There was a singularity in my wanting kids, and it has sucked all the want of kids into a ever-collapsing vortex from which all desires of kids shall ne'er return.

Thus, I am impressed that it makes me want kids even less than I already do.

Right now would be such an unfortunate time for your girlfriend to tell you she's got a bun in the oven.

But a really convenient time to buy a coathanger!

(oh god I hate myself for that one, that was bad why did i write that there was a line there was a line and i fully dropped a solid all over that line and the cleaners aren't gonna be here till 9 to fix it up not that i pay them enough anyway they didn't even clean up that time i accidentally puked all over the trust my best friend had in me to drive him to the airport on time to see his dying grandmother in Manila and i drank all night and slept in and she died in the cold dark night without seeing him grown and responsible and successful)

Comment/Avatar Synergy (no. 1437 in a series of trillions)

No amount of Mozart is going to override the average child's drive to alert every relevant adult in the vicinity to the fact that they've just scraped their knee. That is Important to a child.

My first thought was that it was meant to be some "classy" way to actually alert the adults to the child's distress%u2014I'm obviously not as misanthropic as I thought I was.
I will have to be extra-super-double misanthropic tomorrow, to make up.

from birth, most every childs every need is met, upon the most subtle sign of distress. its no wonder they feel entitled to attention and probably pity for any injury, real, or imagined. even when they are older than an infant/toddler.

should we not be striving to construct a society in which we can in fact support one another in every hour of need?

Perhaps, but I'd be happier to see a greater ability for the individual to cope with its own needs, and this does not come of mollycoddling the young.

well, hell, maybe we should all be growing our own food and making our own clothes from wool we grew ourselves, too.

Modern society is too interdependent for us to be fostering a complete drive towards independence. Where's the line between survival and mollycoddling?

(incidentally, how good is Molly at coddling? She seems no better than average in this strip)

i think the line between hermit-ness, and wiping one anothers behind is a fair one.

Who said anything about a "complete drive"? I'm only suggesting that the future where everyone can sustain themselves is preferable to the one where children are incapable of figuring anything out for themselves%u2014not to take a shit on the importance of recorded knowledge%u2014"common sense" seems to be less and less common, these days. Fuck, I'm starting to sound like a Conservative.

By all means, teach your kids to do this and that, but be prepared to let them make their own mistakes.
In the meantime, I'll be here alone on my little island shut off from Reality (-Television); and fuck you all.

As for Molly; barring her interest in the Mozart bracelets, she hardly seems to be coddling at all.

%u2014, indeed.

This definitely seems to be an accurate depiction of me at age five, except I was less cute and more morbid.

Parents: Is this factual?

Son: Yes.

I'm not a parent, but I do watch children as a thing I get paid for. And the answer is: Yes, this is basically what a small child is like.

There are indeed children like this who can basically make a healthy woman's tubes shrivel in horror then tie themselves into a half-hitch overhand knot, ovaries all banging around frantically trying to escape...

Wouldn't the ovaries be in cahoots with the fallopian tubes?

One would think that the entire system would revolt, not just some of it . . .

I imagine a bag of severed, living hands trying desperately to claw their way out of a wet sack made of meat and hair.

Hands do not cooperate in such circumstances.

I have no idea how that applies to anything, but the image was so vivid that I had to chubby it.

Dude what

In a general panic, it's every organ for itself, women and children be damned.

...ymmv...

Hold on, is Phillipe their kid?

Oh come on Pogo, catch up man.

he IS John Madden

Who?

you

Check out yesterday's strip.

Thanks, polite youngster.

I believe Deusoma meant to say "Check out yesterday's strip DICK"

yesterday's DICK

Poop Group Hooligans sounds like the sort of thing a mother would prohibit, much less watch with her child. Molly loses 10 parentpoints; Beef gains 10 for the mousediver.

SID STRIKES AGAIN

This is why I am moving top the American south to have children. Kids care so much less there.

Nice sheen on Sid's hair there.

Triumphant return to form Onstad

I wonder if there is any other kind?

"...a triumphant return to form" - Empire

"...a... um... really good... return to form" - Total Film

is it the SR:21-G virus or the SR:21-b virus?

We shall never know D:

So, does this strip mean that Philippe goes to sleep naked and then wears his pajamas during the day?

Heresy!

The first three panels are the best; Molly is a pretty cool cat esh curses about cartoons and doesn't afraid of anything.

Molly is so ugly when she is stressed and this is a sad thing

The Saddest Thing is that Beef does not have the cojones to handle it, unlike Ray(who put Tina in her place quickly if she acted up)

I thought The Saddest Thing was when a parent outlives their child?

The saddest thing is the Beef is slacking off and making Molly do his job.

The saddest thing is that Molly is clearly hella naked and if Phillipe wasn't there and didn't otherwise cause them to have a "normal conversation" Beef would be getting a HumVee* from her. Instead she's watching something that will cause her to lose interest in having sex for the next month.

*A blowjob lubricated with cheap nacho cheese

Fuck, at least try and get the kid's name right.

i am angry that this has happened

I haven' loged into Assetbar in months but I did tonight just to say to you csh: Please Get Murdered

Yeah, I'd like this opportunity to say
Burn in hell, yiffie.

no, that would be uncool, bro

very uncool

shit that you have if you need crap? lol isn't that diarrhea? lol

oops. i fink i need crap myself. brb

fuck yall. jesus christ

i agree, if only because people are fucking posting furry porn

fuck

G'night, random angry/disillusioned poster! I hope you find happiness, somewhere.

Now if furries DIDN'T behave like THAT DOUCHE, maybe I'd not mind them so much

No, you'd still hate them for what they Do rather than what they say.

Otter paws makes awsome shadow puppets.

river otters have paws with distinct 'toes'(like a lot of other furry mammals), while sea otters have flipper-like appendages.

Whereas animated stuffed toy otters have paws that look like the sillhouette of grocery bag-bottoms.

Now Beef have infected Molly with his worry warts.

Or did it come from the faucet?

Man, I was so scared that Science Mouse was gonna go wrong in hell of ways that would damage Phillipe for life. I was pleasantly surprised that this did not happen, and give this strip a 5 for being able to make me -worry- about a the well-being of a character.

Really happy to see Yamahata again,. we need bold journalism now that Dobbs is off of CNN.

your avatar is a picture of a VERY cute puppy.

your avatar is of some dude

it is a picture of me.

and i am some dude, so yes.

Perhaps I was wrong in guessing that we might see some interaction between Molly and Philippe. What I am saying, is, I would have liked to observe Molly's face souring by the minute as she forced herself to watch Poop Group Hooligans with Philippe happily glued to the box and oblivious to her growing discomfort.

Also, is Mr. Yamahata reporting on-location, or does he always grab the mic?

Phillipe can make you visualize a smile with his knocking. God I hate being self aware...

Panel two is way funnier when you remember that Molly has a Welsh accent.

Although she's allegedly Welsh, I've never been able to imagine Molly speaking in a Welsh accent. Possibly because she's never been shown to bugger any sheep?

No, no, you're thinking of the Scottish. The Welsh haven't the means. Only the wealthy have sheep.

I assure you, The English consider the Welsh to be sheep-shagging degenerates (much as Australians consider New Zealanders, I'm told). No doubt Scotland has sheep of its own, but they're less inclined to molestation as it could slow down the production of wool.

Why do Scots wear kilts? Cause sheep can their the zipper from a mile away.

This is from a Canadian perspective.

Maybe some of my fellow Assetbritons will back me up on this: Welsh, sheep-shaggers; Scots, tight-fisted. Scots are also drinkers of Irish proportions, and prone to fighting and collecting dole... though the latter few of these generalisations are just as frequently applied to the Northern English. Southerners? Bunch a' jessies.

*monocle falls out* I say!

I lived in England for several years at one point in my life. The stereotype I was used to was the the Welsh were defintely known as sheep-shaggers.

The Scots might be, as well, though, for all I know.

Where does virgin wool originate? <post punchline>

From the sheep in the Math Club?

and yet it's the Australians who have a popular song about tying a kangaroo down.

I challenged an Australian on this point, once, and he replied "No, it's not like that! The Kangaroo just keeps running away!"

I rest my case.

Does the kangaroo get a safeword? This is Important.

Australians have no respect for their kangaroos. I'm not sure they're even consenting partners.

All I can imagine now is a train of Molly's jumping off a cliff lemming-style, yelling "Poop Group Hooligans" at the top of their lungs with a ridiculous Welsh accent, as Phillipe scratches off tick mark after tick mark on a sheet of paper for the rest of time.

is that some Molly cleavage in panel 3? or just arm-torso distinction?

PLEASE ANSWER QUICKLY I NEED TO KNOW IF I JUST MASTURBATED TO A CAT'S ARMPIT

I don't think it's her cleavage, as Beef has always been very quick to ogle other ladies' cleaves in the past, and would probably show some restraint if he had his own pair to look upon at home.

What I'm trying to say is: "There ain't no titties on that kitty."

female cats are occasionally known to swell in that area if there is a young mammal in their care

It's her cleavage, you can see the forearm coming around the other side and your forearm doesn't just wrap around your bicep unless you're Mr. Fantastic

Plastic Man says, "Fuck you puguglypress!"

Plastic Molly says FUCK YOU BEEF

wtf, assetbar

also, I did not intend to triplepost like a tard

I clicked the post button three times because the page froze and then failure happened.

Happened to me, too.

maybe you two should get together and make an assetbar-retarded baby

maybe you should get stuffed, mister

Quote:

maybe you two should get together and make an assetbar-retarded baby

So you could have a brother?

I... I always wanted a mobile ashtray...

The same thing happened to me when I submitted a story to penthouse, oddly they accepted it and printed it that way. It comes out sounding like I had a very long and repetitive night.

I was gonna say Plastic Man, but it would have been too obvious of a joke (his power is right in his fucking name). Like I'm not gonna say, "No one can fly unless they're The Fly".

Actually, scratch that. I would totally say that.

The Last Man on Earth and The Fly%u2014both have been adapted for film multiple times, one of each has starred Vincent Price.
Is Plastic Man that much more well-known in the States than Mr. Fantastic? My only recollection of the character is from an old (Hanna Barbera?) cartoon, where he used his powers to cheat at basketball. What a dick!

For "percent u two-thousand and fourteen", read "em dash".
Man, the list of characters not supported by Assetbar is probably longer than

Is it so difficult just to write your comment here? Don't you trust yourself?

If I wrote it, there would be a distinct danger that it might be read.
I do wonder, though: longer than what?

Hey, I don't think Sidney Yamahata is a cat.

HAPPY KILL INDIANS DAY ASSETBAR!

we hear in amurrika call them darkies, thank yuh vury much

Oh no! Here comes Whitey!

oh

OH GOD NO

MY FAMILY

MY LANDS

MY FREEDOMS

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, WHITE DEVILS?!

We just made all those things BETTER.

is that why you took them away from them? because they were too good for them now?

But we like Goblins. We like her very much.

almost... too much?

there is no such thing as too much like; only too much rape.

this implies that there is also a state of just the right amount of rape, or even not enough.

Are you getting enough rape?

WE NEED MORE RAPE UP INS

are you... are you looking for volunteers?

CHICKS AND DUDES HELL OF MAKIN' LIGHT OF RAPE UP IN HERE

...I'm... not sure what to make of this.

Man, for some reason I read that first line in my head to the tune of "E'erybody in the club gettin' tipsy".

Amusement ensued.

Homeboy trippin' he don't know I got a gun
When it come to pop, we do shit for fun
Eudy Simel-ain't got one? Nigga you better run
Those are some of the most retarded lyrics I have ever heard.

Also, apologies to Eudy Simelane for mis-spelling her surname for the sake of a bad rhyme, and to a lesser extent to J-Kwon for implying motive to participate in her murder.

Can somebody explain the meaning of the second line to this simple white boy?
"When it comes to sugar-rich, carbonated beverages, we defecate for personal amusement"?

me chinese
me play joke
me go peepee
in ur coke

Please tell me that this is part of a weird Jingju-style bridge that was omitted from the single edit. They always cut the best parts from a song for airplay.

Sidney Yamahata looks like he's straight out of South Park. I keep reading his words in that style of voice.

Science Mouse machines also cook rice.

announcing a new feature of assetbar: private discussion rooms. You can make as many as you like.

in this discussion room, I am proposing the discussion of the film "Big Dreams Little Tokyo."
-begin discussion-

I liked this film.

Unfortunately,your eloquent review has not inspired me sufficiently to seek out this film, of which I had not previously heard.

it's a film about a kind of geeky guy and his do-nothing roommate and it is a comedy and the thing that is funny about it is the guy is kinda awkward and inept

it's kinda like a woody allen film in that it's pretty quirky. they took these actors who were both inexperienced actors and used them as the main characters, and then they used experienced actors for all the supporting characters. although inexperienced, the actors still did a good job acting, but their lack of experience what it did is it helped to create this sort of dichotomy in the film between the two protagonists in the film and the rest of the world in the film.

it's a pretty intelligent comedy too, it's set in a an American little Tokyo, and the protagonist is an aspiring English tutor, wishing to teach English to Japanese people, so there is a fair amount of Japanese in the film.

The plot of the film isn't really that interesting, I don't think; it's very simple and standard, really, it involves a lady taking an interest in the geeky protagonist, but the film doesn't lean on it like some kind of Hollywood formula film would. Also, where any Hollywood formula film that is a 'romantic comedy' will totally focus on the romantic comedy angle the way an unimaginative over-sexed guy is focused only on scoring with his date, this film refreshingly has more to it than just the 'romantic comedy' angle. Instead, this film leans on the development of the various characters in the film, and because of this it is a very good production.

A typical contemporary Hollywood comedy film leans completely on a single character like Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey -- the film is merely a pretext for an extended standup routine by the character and perhaps also one supporting character -- at the end of the film you feel like you've consumed a processed TV dinner loaded with artificial flavoring.

Big Dreams Little Tokyo, on the other hand, is marvelous because it doesn't lean completely on the performance of one or two main characters. Instead, it mixes it up with a whole cast of characters, many of whom are entertaining in their own right, all of whom contribute to the overall story through their interactions with the main character.

This film has an 'independent' feel, and it manages to feel low budget without appearing low budget. The viewer doesn't have to contend with any substandard camera work or direction or acting. It's all top notch, with perhaps the exception of one or two minor instances where the cinematography fell a little flat.

The ending was a little disappointing in that it was formulaic, but like I said, this film isn't about the story, this film was about the chance to have various colorful characters play upon each other brilliantly. When the straight characters in the film interact with the protagonists, the contrast is so marked that the viewer is left with the stark realization that this film couldn't be any more surreal and fantastic if the protagonists were rendered with CGI animation. This film is in the same league as Jim Carry's "The Mask" and Sacha Baron Cohen's Borat and Bruno in how ridiculous and fantastic it's characters are, with the difference being that Big Dreams Little Tokyo is also at the same time clever, elegant, witty, dynamic, and creative in ways eschewed by most contemporary films. To put it in our contemporary sound-byte terminology: You'll like this film, it don't suck.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Dreams_Little_Tokyo

oh shit
http://www.lasplash.com/publish/Film_106/_Big_Dreams_Little_Tokyo_Translates_to_Big_Success.php

after reading this review, now I realize what gave the film it's endearing quirky air of surrealism. The writer/director/main actor is a friggin Mormon. Ya ever meet a typical Mormon and think maybe the world is somehow a strangely different place for them? Well, this film confirms it...

oh shit. the film even has a moral:

More importantly, in Boyle's own words, the film attacks social stereotypes and forces audiences to realize that '' most people, in one way or another, don't fit within their own cultural paradigm or stereotype.' What defines us as an American, or what defines us as a Japanese person? People are individual, and that personality transcends any sort of cultural boundary or stereotype.'

-end discussion-

Why did you end the discussion before making your incisive comment?

the discussion isn't ended. I guess I should have been more clear. that's just the end of the discussion space. the discussion it's self is able to go on within the discussion space.

go on, don't be shy. just hit reply anywhere within the discussion space and offer your contribution.

Neat! But won't he get chilly?

Also, I feel like I must try Science Mouse.

I tried Science Genitals once. It pretty much worked. Until it started to get hard.

That sounds absolutely frightening to the point where my brain cannot visually comprehend the horror.

are you... peniphobic?

perhaps she just doesn't like the idea of the kind of penis borne by a 103 year old male

Ten points to you, sir.

A reception shall be held in your honour, but there will be no cake.

so what's worse... a 103 year old penis, or a 103 year old assemblage of female genitalia?

are you frightened of the word vulva?

say it with me, miram. VUL-VA.

vulva doesn't capture the full spectrum of possibility that I'm trying to evoke here... When you fuck, you're involved with the entire vulvovaginal system, and optionally (and/or accidentally) the asshole as well. You're talking smegma, optional public hair, possible vulvic and vaginal cysts, scars, tattoos, moles and other assorted rodentia, and (copying from Wikipedia) holy shit what the fuck is this shit!
Quote:

Sinus pudoris is an apparently genetic feature of certain Khoisan groups, whose females develop relatively elongated labia minora, hanging up to four inches outside their vulva when they are in an upright position.

Man! I gotta get me somea that!

Did you know that gay people like to put their penises where you poop from

nasty.

What ha ha no way!

that's mainly just negro gay people. they are the nastiest.

I'm pretty sure the word Vulva still encompasses all of that. Vulva encompasses everything. Or at least your mom's does.

The Wikipedia article is a must-read! (And great clinical pics, too!)

Sickbag to stand-by.

Okay, so Achewood was doing the whole twitter during thanksgiving thing or something. Anyways, I was really high and looking through it, and I came across this picture.

My first thought was, "Wait ... those are ED'S PANS.

In conclusion, I am still high right now.

Sidney Yamahata cold has a penis in his mouth.

i think i fucked up an teh reprecussions will be forthcoming or not but either way ima jus have to not worry cuz wats done is done

stand tall, bro

what happened what did you do Gladdi? Did you kill someone? Did you get angry and yell at someone? Did you run over someone and they are stuck in your windshield? Did you loose your glasses?

Cross every bridge as you come to it, Gladdi. Then quickly burn it behind you or just like cut the ropes if its one of those bridges you see in Indiana Jones films with just like four ropes and some planks, and then when you've got enough distance on your pursuers just hide in a tree or something until things cool down.

Wisdom.

did you give a 13 yr old girl drugs and then fuck her in the butt, gladi? if you did know that I none-the-less support you considering your contrition and your contributions over the years to the arts.

lol heck o polanzki style

Your avatar definitely added to the humor there.

I know, it is like a dream...

Okay, so I've nearly recovered from the TEMPORARY suspension of free Assetbar a while ago, which, in a moment of madness, I took as PERMANENT and actually gave up this lame addiction to adolescent poop and sex jokes. It's good to know I can live without commenting on a cartoon, but in retrospect, life isn't as rich or full ... of shit!

That is one damn fine "bottom of a grocery bag", Phillipe.

this is the end of my 4th trip through the archives. i always announce it, as if its something to be proud of.

Third. Like a fine red, it does keep improving.

[[high-5]]

Why is it that Sidney is remarking on the imminent threat of the SR:21-b maleovirus, when the graphics operator has CLEARLY populated his over the shoulder shot with a picture of the SR:21-G maleovirus??