Because I Got Depression.

Because I Got Depression. 12/18/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

If Roast Beef was a band he would be Ian Curtis.

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aw geez now I have depression.

The second i read the phrase "staddy-daddy", vomit came out of my EYES.

I agree, the first sentence was good, then I got to that phrase and it was like being socked in the part of my stomach that feels embarrassment for others.

is that what asherdan calls onstad in bed?

ba-dum tish!

Yes, I'd imagine so.

After that last panel, who wouldn't? It's like the polar opposite of this strip.

Can something retroactively cause you to have a bad childhood?

*broods*

It's only the polar opposite if you ignore the alt text, which reveals Beef is lying.

My first reading of your post was to see the italicized "I" as a slash, so it was like a stunted Haiku.

aw geez now
have depression
Also, can't count.

Love will tear Beef apart, again.

More like "for entertainment they watch his body twitch / while behind his eyes he says, 'I still exist'". Or at least that's how he sees it.

Is it getting faster, moving faster now? Is it getting out of hand?

It's different now that Beef's poor and aging. He'll never see this place again, as he goes stabbing himself in the neck.

Wait, what? It's not? Are you sure? But it sounds like... Wow. Sorry about that.

Too bad he's too self-conscious to dance, dance, dance, dance, dance to the radio.

Beef don't walk away in silence.

He's lost control again.

He better not ever fade away, fade away, fade away...

350125

THREE ONE G.

Beef is for whom the wheels are turning, turn again and turn toward this time. All Molly asks, the strength to hold him, then again, the same old story.

Roast Beef is the saddest thing.

Unsettling avatar/comment synergy.

Just an FYI kids - you don't have to have bad parents to have depression. You just have to have depression.

So, go for it!

Man I had the WORST day. Last time I ever take wozzeck's advice....

Depression is a gold ring that electrocutes you. Not enough to kill you, just enough to knock you down and make you crap yourself.

Brass ring....dammit. And I was feeling so good there, now I won't get out of bed for three days.

Or don't. Whatever.

Although bad parents certainly do help!

Let's all pick on Spiny Norman for the fact that his psychiatric illness is not exacerbated by psychological trauma.

Also he told Onstad that he has a small penis.

Mine's really big, by the way.

High five!

Five inches, that is.

No, that's what exactly they don't do.

I have depression every time I watch Platoon

watch "Apocalypse Now". it'll cheer you up. ;)

Or even better, read Heart of Darkness, the movie's inspiration. That'll make you laaaauuugh....

Or even better, go to Poland, the country that produced the author of Heart of Darkness. That'll make you laaaauuugh....

Conrad was a genius. English wasn't even his first language.

Look at the genius! Look at him write in his second language!

You know what is crazy? I read a book about a psycho killer who thinks he's the main character of Heart of Darkness. It's like a meta meta meta story.

Oops, forgot to mention it was a work of fiction.

Lord, Jim, what are you talking about?

Peter's O' toole?

Don't touch Alec's Guinness!

Don't fondle Liam's Neeson.

It was last seen near Gregory's Peck.

are you talking about the timothy findley book i can't be asked to google right now?

Yes, Headhunter.

Headhunter? I hardly know her!

Are you going to hunt that author down for mocking you with a fiction like that?

By the time you read this message, he is already dead.

Third.

And he didn't even learn it until his twenties. This makes his wonderful prose even more impressive.

This is one of those comments which I don't understand why it gets so many chubbies. Is this a reference to something?

Yep

I need that second archive crawl already.

yer so well read ;)

I think you're thinking of Apocalypse Now.is what I think.

Man bursts into tears. Says "But Doctor...I am Martin Sheen."

No parents, however, is the key to happiness!

no.

Seriously though, it is an incredibly guilty fantasy of literally every North-American Person that they could be an orphan.
That's why Superman Batman Spider-Man, Harry Potter, etc are all orphans.
We all wish we could be orphans!
Why? Because it means we can become whoever we choose to be!
OR it turns out our REAL PARENTS are royalty! So we can go join them in their fantastic wealthy lives!!!

On the other hand, your parents could turn out to be homeless junkies. Or even bears.

I would not be sad to find out that my real parents are bears. It would explain many things.

Bears with chainsaw hands.

one of my exes used to play 'orphans' with her siblings, 'cos nobody wanted to be a parent.

this guilty fantasy of orphanage is where that would stem from...but i honestly can't ever remember considering it.

your avi looks considerably like one of my old buddies named jay. this is moderately disconcerting to me.

My name is not Jay. You can relax.

okay.

Whew

He comes from Circumstances. Hella Circumstances.

Welcome to Circumstances, PA
Population: Roast Beef

Just west of Intercourse.

'Just west of Intercourse'

Causes a damp patch on the sheets - take it from me.

D'oh!

I know that feeling well.

But dude, have you heard the gospel of Seka?

Sorry, I'm more interested in male porn stars.

Me too! We should start a club, huh?

You should start a club, and every club needs a mascot.

I can fill that roll.

Dude, Seka has made many terrible eating decisions at Burger King, but you don't see her getting down about it!

Because she ain't got Depression.

You do see her getting down on another lady and also on those nice gentlemen.

Basically, being in a Burger King is a TERRIBLE decision.

Dude! beat-box my dwarf-core!

At my college, the guys in Triangle house had a Chow Chow called Seka. Suddenly everything makes sense.

my aunt has a chow chow named seka...weird.

Maybe your aunt was a frat boy?

I first read that as "fart boy". Much more amusing.

I dare someone to Google Video search that. Turn the parental filter "off", of course. Tell me what you find.

Also I don't know who or what the fuck Seka is. No no, don't tell me.

I clicked on a video called "Fart Boy and Penis Girl" and it was just some completely wholesome footage of a family at a zoo. Sometimes I think I don't understand the Internet.

I did find this though:

[IMGS OFF]

You...you spent your $500,000 NSF grant on What?

Skradley's aunt was a fart boy - pass it on.

Can someone PLEASE tell me what a "chow chow" is?

http://tinyurl.com/5fnys7

Seka: Genesis

(Sorry.)

Seka does what Nintendon't

Dude who passed the gas?

245. The "Nice Pete"

You are in the same room as a lady and Nice Pete is also there. The lady does a :(

SOLUTION: There is none. Nice Pete has probably already taken care of the Problem himself. Dap him if his hands are not red and he is still in view.

Those are some weird-shaped thought bubbles that Ray's in. The second one looks kind of like the silhouette of an Achewood cat with kind of a pompadour.

Thought bubbles about Ray are shaped like Ray.

Chubbied for geometry humor.

It is the most depressed way to draw a thought bubble.

For Ray, by Ray. Every time!

[IMGS OFF]

Mother of Mercy...

disturbingly surreal.

It looks like it's going to sneeze

"Run along, kid, you bother me."

...Dad?

Kudos on the Avatar/Post combo, daidai. Kudos.

It works on so many levels! Look at the genius!

Sweet LORD!

Fuuuuuck... did you do this? Did you... this can't be chubbied enough people.

It's funny, and it's character development. I think the reason it's funny is because it's so sad.

Man, now I feel bad that I think Roast Beef's depression is hilarious.

Laugh or Cry. Either decision is valid.

I chose both.

I have got depression. (Also, I'm the guy who sucks.) I don't necessarily find these particular strips funny, but I appreciate them for other reasons. And actually, the top half of the strip is very funny to me, the next panel is a thought I (and I'm sure many others) have casually pondered, and only the last panel is sad, yet moving.

So yeah, laugh or not, Achewood brings it. I find it hard to believe how well Onstad understands the depressed psyche when he doesn't suffer from it.

I think it's possible that Onstad does suffer from it, though not chronically and not in anyway that significantly impacts on his functionality.

That, or he talks a lot with the Depressed friends he claims to have in interviews. Writers are brilliant usually because they can articulate second hand emotion.

Wait. I think I just long-windedly agreed.

I think you just used your Writing Ability well to describe Writing Ability. I am not using mine here.

So meta...

meaning that your Writing Ability is in full-effect.

[irony]Word[/irony].

My intentions exactly.

OHH SHIIIIIT

C'es t ne pas une comment, etc etc

We should write a non-book about not writing a book and BLOW SOME FUCKING MINDS.

Shit wait:

Ceci n'est pas une comment? Yes that's right.

AN INTENTIONAL ERROR HOW META

No wait, unintentional.

I am breaking some serious post-modern ground here.

Look at him go! Look at the genius stand in his room!

YEEEEEEEEAGGGGGGHHH

COMMENT ABOUT A COMMENT

[IMGS OFF]

Un commentaire, mon ami ;)

While the username clearly gives you a right to make such a statement I can't help but think of someone who learned French entirely by listening to Gambit. Not even necessarily the comics either, but probably just the totally awesome old cartoon on Fox from the early 90s. Damn that was a great show. Not so good for teaching you French though.

From the makers of "Beast Teaches Greek "%u0395%u03BB%u03AC%u03C4%u03B5 %u03BC%u03B1%u03B8%u03B1%u03AF%u03BD%u03B5%u03B9 %u03C4%u03B1 %u03B5%u03BB%u03BB%u03B7%u03BD%u03B9%u03BA%u03AC %u03BC%u03B5 %u03BC%u03B5!"

I should have known that was born to fail. It looked wicked awesome though. Dammit, why did I have to pick a language that is completely out of the character set?

It worked for me belgand! You are rad!

That's because we use Assetbarista. If you refresh it'll fix the screwups, but it won't usually work the first time.

[IMGS OFF]

I hadn't even thought of the whole thing with him questioning his sexuality. Maybe he'd be far more willing to teach you greek than you might wish.

This will make it a lot harder to just translate with Babelfish though, unfortunately.

i'll get dad to translate that.

You could just get someone with Assetbarista who can pull down the original to just throw it into Babelfish too. That's how I translated it originally so it's probably atrocious.

Actually, since I just did a hack-job machine translate I don't deserve to put on airs and not provide an English translation. It was "Come learn Greek with me!"

even learning greek would be faster than my dad getting back to me.

Is Beast an Ancient Geek?

He's certainly hairy enough.

You said wicked and you're not from New England!
Rad

You said rad and you're not from the 80s in any cultural sense!
Ill

That says ill by the by.

But I am from the 80s in a I-was-born-then sense.

That is totally bogus to the max and you know it.

Truth.

did you mean like GRODY to the max?

That is not what I meant. That is not it at all.

But I am though. I was born in Connecticut.

Frankly I greatly prefer it to the low-sounding "hella" which is a word I most truly do despise.

I used to but Achewould has made me appreciate the grammatically correct but awkward "hell of."

I prefer heck of. I say things like "I got a heck of a lot of homework" regardless if that is the correct way to say it or not. People don't say "heck of" or "hell of/hella" in New Hampshire.

Or anywhere else since 2002, so far as I can tell. I could be wrong. I'm heck of no-longer-a-teenager.

I too.

Oh. True. Although my mom is from Springfield, MA, and she says people don't use "wicked" there.

Liar, I know people from the area and its "wicked" this and "sketchy" that and "dead ass" this.

I'm not surprised. I'm sure the usage has spread, or my mother doesn't know what she is talking about. Afterall, she hasn't been there in like twenty years.

Sketchy. That is only a New England thing?

I had heard the word "sketchy" maybe ten times in my life until I moved from the Washington D.C. area to greater Boston.

The past few years it seems like people just shorten it to "sketch" as in "that seems kind of sketch".

"Ya bein' wicked retahdid and sketch right now, bro."

I once heard "sketchball" and wanted to strangle the kid. Also "sketched out" is a Thing. I never heard it used in any colloquial sense before college. Sketch to me meant to draw, and sketchy meant shady, not an all-encompassing negative term. This is NOT a lower-NY state phrase, so don't let upstate fool you.

'sketch' in colorado.

'sketchy' when we were in eighth grade and didn't know how to talk good.

I am also from Colorado and I have never in my life heard someone refer to something as "sketch".

I've heard sketch and sketchy and I live in Florida and I've head it from Floridians.

It's a new pan-American expression, like how because of Subway everyone calls long sandwiches with an assortment of toppings "subs," while regional variants include hero (what I call it), hoagie, submarine sandwich, and I think grinder? I don't think I'm amiss in thinking sketch is one of these new things.

Every regional phrase aside from sub was incorrect. I am glad for the new order.

Also, people who say pop? They need to be beaten viciously until their retinas detach. I grew up in a pop region and I had to suffer through it for many years. Soda is correct and I'll occasionally even say coke even though I am firmly a Pepsi sort. Hell, I'll even take tonic or seltzer, but no pop and definitely not soda-pop.

Tonic. Me mum sez this, she does. Silly bloody wanka.

No, I've heard all of those. Hero is popular round my parts, and hoagie is universally known as Philly-area heroes (or subs). Also I've heard those others used solely because of the packaging on the heroes they sell at my college ("No matter what you call it...it's Panini's!" [the sub shop's name])

If it's not pressed and grilled it's not a damn panini. Also, since when do paninis have anything to do at all with subs? Totally wrong.

I know, it makes no sense. But it's also the wrap shop. Hence Panini. But still, it's poor advertising. Don't admonish ME like I don't know, guy.

If I write a lengthy screed will you go and admonish someone there by proxy?

Thankfully we have such a technology that I can cast my ire around the globe.

Belgand casts Ire!
Coeurl takes 54 damage!
Belgand casts Ira!
Couerl takes 230 damage!
Coeurl was defeated.
Belgand gains 540 exp!
Belgand learns Vitriol!

What?? Belgand is evolving!!

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNNN DUN

Then I press B.

I threw a Jewish man at... whatever Coeurl is?

I already know Ire and Vitriol, but I've just recently learned Wrath.

Coeurl is effectively a displacer beast.

Thank you Herbert Walker Bush.

you must not hang much with snowboarders.

or skaters.

...or anyone cool.

Fuck THOSE guys.

i do both. better retract, dude!

retract!

You do fuck those guys?

no but your comment just took me for a ride.

i meant like, i both ride and skate

I figured. Don't worry, I wasn't insulting you and your subcultures, I was just making a proper Achewood reference.

oh.

well then.

as you were.

Proceed.

Thank you.

My real name Is Pierre-Luc Gagnon.

I highly suggest a retraction on your part

Google search...

Wikipedia...

Da-da-da, ten gold medals, Canadian skateboarder, nollie heelflip indy 540, yada yada yada...

Ok I get the reference.

I shall never retract.

Bonjour Boo. I would suggest that your suggestion caused his penis to retract. Good enough?

Except witches, before burning them, am I right?

WTF!

I can't get a plus sign, but I get Greek characters.

Something is Just Not Right.

Assetbarrista can't fix what's not there. Plus signs get turned into spaces. Greek characters are just coded improperly, so it can fix the way they display.

Ain't no plus sign here

Can't you...

SEE

At first I thought you knew me personally enough to be that specific about Mr. Gambit. But then I realized my secondary school physics teacher had no bio-kinetic powers. And that he'd never shown any special interest in playing beggar-my-neighbour with me after class (why Mr. Gambit, why). And that he'd never talked about some hairy Greek friend of his, wearing claws in place of a watch/hair, like any normal hairy Greek guy would.
MONSIEUR GAMBIT!

NO it must be left in ENGLISH. DO NOT ARGUE WITH THE GENIUS.

Miaou a raison, Mr. Nice

Halt diene Schnauze, herr wolfensti.

Goddamn! I don't know who means what!

Nobody means anything anymore!

I was hella depressed from the strip (the 'sad childhood' strips always get me) but this exchange cheered me up. Thanks guys.

Ah well. Nothing to be done.

Quote:

Goddamn! I don't know who means what!

I like that this comment got pushed way far away from what it was originally addressing but still makes perfect sense given all the comments that pushed it away.

I like that.

Do you like that it means there are WAY TOO MANY COMMENTS ON ASSETBAR OH MY GOD GRAEWFSDF

I, for one, like that there are a lot of comments on Assetbar, even if it does mean that my home computer won't be able to bring it up pretty soon. I already had to set my lame limit to 1 just to get it to load. Soon I'll have to temporarily ignore the most prolific posters on the board (sorry in advance Nice and GH - nothin' personal, dudes) until tomorrow when I go back to my relatively able work computer.

I AM PERSONALLY OFFENDED.

PERSONALLY.

ME TOO

CAPS

CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL.

[IMGS OFF]

Well, I see that I didn't miss out on much. That's good.

Wouldn't you prefer me and TGH riffing than more serious Assetbarbarians ranting and raving for 5 paragraphs about the quality and frequency of 'Bar posts?

Depends on my mood, I guess. Sometimes, yes.

I'm talking about right now. Should we talk about bunnies in all caps or discuss post-modernism? ASSETBAR'S GOT IT ALL (oh shirt, caps).

Punch teeth out, win a prize.

Humor and pathos are not antipodes. I think I read that that is John Irving's philosophy with writing.
In b4 "John Irving sucks" which is bound to come, and which is probably more of the cancer of /assetbar/ than all the 4chan references.

John Irving sux.

Yes. There is even a "kernel" of truth in the strip.
No. Every good joke does not have truth. (To wit: My mother is neither fat nor does she beep when she backs up).

She IS promiscuous, right? Let at least that part of the joke be true

That's the beauty of Achewood, though - it doesn't have to be funny every single time. How many of the strips leading up to Beef asking Molly to marry him were laugh-out-loud funny? How funny was "The Math" (the highest rated strip in Achewood's archive)? Dilbert and Garfield are obligated to be funny in every strip (an obligation rarely met) because there's no character development and there's no sincerity. But this is Beef and this is Achewood and we know this dude way too well to think he's just gonna mass-produce laughs for us. He's too good for that.

(Hella attachment to these dudes, all.)

I thought the Math was funny because Phillipe pissed himself during his big moment as the ring-bearer.

Funny, yes, but the sweetness was much more overwhelming. Beef's reminiscing of his life put my bladder by my eye (McCourt readers? Anyone?).

I may be the only person who was disappointed in any way by "The Math" -- though only because I expected Phillippe to ride an AIBO-dogsled to the altar with the ring.

...would've been awesome

I don't read McCourt, and I understand what it's implying, but that imagery is fucking gross.

:(

Read Angela's Ashes and 'Tis and come back to me with that Sass.

Are you saying if I insult your McCourt references I've entered a world where the only activity that exists is tasting your hog?

Because we wouldn't want anything like that to happen.

The dude has a bladder in his eye, you better hope the only thing you are taste is his dong.

Bladder in my eye, hot black colon water in my toilet, and a hog that needs fluffing. You have entered a new ring of hell, my friend, and having you head chewed on would be your only sweet escape.
Retract.

YO DOUCHEBAG UR BODY IZ FUCKD ^ SO HXC LOL LOOK @ DIS FUCKER. CAN'T SHIT PROPRLE & HAZ A BLADER IN HIZ FACE.

I NO DAM N IM TUFF AS HELL

Implied knowledege of Dante . I say awesome

I'm an awesome guy, what can I say?

Thank you, parents?

Thank you, personality trainer.

Thank you mom, thank you dad, thank you college?

I was thinking that but then I didn't want to type it because.

Theguitarhero: saying shit you were thinking but weren't gonna say since 1990!

That long?????

He was born and after his lungs were cleared and he took his first breath said "Blacks should pull themselves up by their bootstraps" and the doctor and his parents were like "Well uh..."

Just so no one thinks I'm racist
John Campbell thinks so too

[IMGS OFF]

Angela was a superb, brutal read, and I don't read novels much anymore. Didn't they make a movie of it?

Clarification: Angela's Ashes is not a novel. It is a memoir.

Clarification: you're a dick about terms but probably a good person overall. I'm willing to bet McCourt took creative liberties in all his memoirs, making them novels. Either that or he has a remarkable memory.

Also: amazing writing style that reflects Assetbar writing like no other. Maybe "Ulysses," actually.

The fact that McCourt mocks prissy over-erudite prose (i.e./e.g. Joyce) in AA gives lie to your "Maybe/Actually," actually.

I don't remember that. The only thing I'm referencing is the stream of consciousness-type writing.

HOORAY FOR CAPTAIN SPAULDING, THE OVER-ANALYTICAL EXPLORER.

[IMGS OFF]

C'mon, KaMeT, stop being an amateur!

Not to increase the posts here unnecessarily, but I highly suggest http://tinypic.com. It gets heavy use on some of the main message boards that run tons of traffic and I never see any problems with bandwidth. Lots of the other hosting sites drop out fairly quickly.

Joyce is "prissy"? As in like a prude? Not to me. Anyway. Has anyone read "The Third Policeman" by Flann O'Brian? I've always thought that Onstad and O'Brian have a similar sense of the surreal.

Fair point, JJ is certainly not prudish (rather bawdy, actually). I stand by the over-erudite assessment though -- with the death of a true classics-based education, Joyce will continue to slip beyond the reach of average readers (if not for a childhood of liturgical Latin, I would be lost).

True, without a full Shakespeare anthology, a Bible, a Torah, a Greek or Latin dictionary, and an encyclopedia of Irish folklore, things like Ulysses are daunting.

Yeah, can't argue with the over-erudite claim, and I agree that Joyce's fate will be a sad one. Sad because properly armed with a Bible and a Torah et al, the experience of reading and re-reading Ulysses is more rewarding than any other. But as the man himself said: "The only thing I will ever ask of my readers is that they devote their entire lives to reading and understanding my works."

Close
%u201CThe demand that I make of my reader is that he should devote his whole Life to reading my works%u201D
But I was not aware of that quote. That's hilarious. And the funny thing is that people have actually done that.
%u201CI've put in so many enigmas and puzzles that it will keep the professors busy for centuries arguing over what I meant, and that's the only way of insuring one's immortality.%u201D

Ulysses is probably the hardest well-known book in the English language to read, besides Finnegans Wake, which has a Skeleton Key.

But Sparknotes sure does help with Ulysses though. Does anyone remember my Furlysses furfiction?

And Joyce is far from prude, especially in his day. The guy loved talking about defecation, sex, jacking off, prostitutes, and women showing off their legs to strangers

I am lunatic enough to devote my life to reading and understanding Ulysses, but Finnegans Wake has defeated me, every time I have ever attempted to read it on any level.

Furlysses furfiction? That sounds... fantastic.

I wrote it on "Ray's Dinner Party" a while ago.
"...I was a Fox of the mountain yiff when I put the rose in my fur like the Andalusian raccoons used or shall I wear a red yiff and how he rubbed me under the hedge and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my snout to ask again yiff and then he asked me would I yiff to say yiff my mountain fox and first I put my hind legs around him yiff and drew him down to me so he could feel my teats all musk yiff and his heart was going like mad and yiff I barked yiff I will Yiff. "

That's pretty much it. :)

I love you.

You better put on a fursuit to do that or take it outside buddy.

Somebody did a Death of a Salesman one that was pretty funny.

Except now I can't ever play that scene again because I think of that and laugh immediately.

I'm sure YBiff laughed too, when he heard.

Wha?

Are you aware that Biff is a character in that play?

The image of Peter Cropes laughing his ass off at a production of Death of a Salesman....has much merit. Gawd, much merit.

Thank you. It's coming back to me now in all its dreary sadness. Thank you so very much.

Give 'Tis a read. The "Angela's ashes" part finally comes into play and is quite jerking of the tears.

You guys are both crazy. This is the first strip I've actually laughed at in months. Or is it maybe that I hadn't laughed because I got depression?

Hmm.

We have to laugh at those who can't laugh themselves.

If i_love_kate laughs at every man who can't laugh at himself, who laughs at i_love_kate?

God.

It's not some kind of exclusive. He also laughs at people who are laughing themselves.

I just kind of sit there and laugh.

Kate.

OHHHHH GOD

I got fired from my job as a psychiatric nurse for doing just that.

Achewood is capable of drama as well as comedy and I think that's one of the key draws. One inevitably informs the other.

a friend of mine died from not being funny. not a good strip.

There are somethings that even losers don't lose.

Such as virginity.

That contradicts one of Tom Petty's main theses

I have a Great Tom Petty anecdote about a loser.

Does it still count as a loss if you pay to have it taken away?

Why is the verb "lose" anyway -- its not like you don't know where it went. (Maybe "I Shed my virginity" is more accurate.

Considering what a lousy time I had, and the disease she gave me, I would say squandered is a better term.

I squandered my virginity.

And then after that she wanted to marry me. Go figure.

At least that disease is curable. I'm sure I don't have to tell you.

Which disease? The clap? Or marriage?

I had the former just the one time, and it was cured with tetracycline.

I had the latter twice. The cure was not so simple either time, but I have few lingering effects.

There's a microphone in a 1960s Catskills lodge with your name on it.

The latter.

Which one was more suppurative, I think, is the greater question.

Man, Roast Beef really puts my life into perspective.
Although he's a cartoon cat, he makes me realize I have no place being upset about anything.

Also, the fact that young Ray has a shirt with an "R" on it makes me much more happy than it should.

Man, as an artist focusing on illustration in college, it's really inspiring reading Achewood. The hilarious little things I find after I've read it over a few times are extraordinary.

Like Archie's incessant little Cooper Black bastard "A."

I'd expect it from Ray today, but the fact that young Ray has the shirt is great to me.

And don't worry Beef, they're all eating Burger King too.

This is the most complete summary of what is the illogical nature of the mental process that a depressed man has. The idea that you should give a shit that other people give a shit when they really don't give a shit because you think yours is the only shit that stinks.

Just remember, "They're all eating Burger King too."

When you are 23 years old and you've just gotten your driver's license to the first time and you think "I am finally a man" and you see a dude driving in a sports car and you think "Shit, this guy's had a driver's license since forever so he's probably had mad bonin' activities in the back of them on hilltops with real girls" and then suddenly he parks and steps out of the car and you realize how short he is, you will think to yourself, "Damn, I guess he's eating Burger King, too."

When you are at a party that is playing hip hop music you enjoy but you'd rather be at home listening to Japanese pop rock with an otaku lady you met at Otakon but then a cute girl walks through the door and you are ready to throw down your game until your friend who is well-storied with the ladies comes along drunk and starts to chat her up and she smiles like she is interested and your smile crumbles down but then you walk by and hear that he is talking some mess about how much he loves Scandinavian death metal and from up close you can see that her smile is a fake you will realize, "Damn, turns out he's eating Burger King, too."

When you are sitting at home on a Friday night wishing that you had a lady and you are refreshing Assetbar over and over again responding to someone's comments and some dude is annoying you about his sexual encounters that occur with regularity just take a step back and look at what day and time it is and remember, "He's eating Burger King, too."

And what's more, you will be a man, my son.

Remember kids, we all have assholes, and we are all going to die!

Knowing is half the battle!

Damn I knew that King was awesome and tended to be in my bed all the damn time, but I didn't know he got that much play.

BURGER KING'S A HOOO-ERRRR.

The password to Burger King is ooooooorrrrrrgy

None of your half-naked buffet parties here. Take it across the street to Jack in the Box. At least Jack does ads about sleazy 1970s hot tub threeways.

I guess you're eating Burger King too.

:')

Talking about Scandinavian death metal got me virtually all of the scant instances of play I've ever had! Retract, dude, retract!

Scandinavian death metal came to mind when my college got hit with an ice storm and we had to be evacuated because of power outages leading to a "pandemic" as described by the school:

ICE STORM PANDEMIC

DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUN

Apparently your college doesn't know what words mean.

Not enough power to sustain all those students = pandemic. I don't know. At least my finals got canceled.

Must be a Liberal Arts college.

according to Noam Chomsky, the most important thing about college is experience different and new cultures. the learning a skill that is marketable is hell of overrated. Just have fun, spend money, get drugs, booze, sex.. have fun, learn something new.

and that piece of paper you get for $30-$40,000 when you leave.. that's accepted anywhere. Employers just want to know you went to college what you learned, if anything, is incosequential. As long as you, you know, learned about other cultures.

- Noam Chomsky

Yeah, hella liberal arts there. Come on down to the hard sciences or engineering or one of the fields where your degree matters and try to pull that.

How can you say "retract, dude, retract" when you appear to be circumcised?

maybe it's a magic trick?

maybe it's a magic dick?

maybe he's got the magic stick?

Maybe it's Mabelline?

That reference is not wanted here.

Please leave.

Maybe she's born with it.

Inspiring.

Yeah, but my friend's gonna be eating Arby's too.

I feel this way when I'm in a Walmart. So I go to Target, which is inherently classier.

I feel the same way. I was forced to Walmart the other day, and while noting that the decor is less cheerful than Target and that there's invariably more people at Walmart, I saw a girl I knew from 10th grade who was pregnant at the time and now, at 19, she was at Walmart with her 4 year old child, and I thought to myself "This is definitely Walmart."

When you see a fat whore,
and her kids number four,
you're at Wal-Mart!

When pushing your wagon
Behind a huge ass a-draggin'
You're at Wal-Mart!

When you're looking for great deals
And you love the way it feels
You're at Wal-Mart!

Also:

When you're an African immigrant just working a temp gig, trying to make ends meet when several hundred insane suburbanites bust down the door and all take turns stepping on you until all of your internal organs have been smashed and most of your bones, too, and the place only closes for as long as it takes to mop your sorry ass up....

You're at Wal-Mart!

Ooh, ooh, that took place sort of near me!

Also:
When you're looking for jeans
And they sit in baked beans
You're at Wal-Mart!

Backstory: I once was at Wal-Mart and went to grab a shirt I semi-liked and when I picked it up it was sitting in a basket of nachos and cheese. :{

Quote:

...Target...inherently classier.

Either you're joking or Target's ad people have really done a number on you. For the sake of my feelings toward you, I'll assume the former.

Have you ever been to a Target after being in a Wal-Mart? Night and day!

Hey, man - I probably go to Target, like, three times a week. Most of my clothes come from there. But thinking that it's any different from Wal-Mart is crazy. You just like red better then blue. That's all it comes down to.

I do, too! It's OK!

It's different! Totally different! I swear!

No, that's not it! They're friendlier! Cleaner! A higher class of people shop and work there! An overall more amicable atmosphere assuages the air around all that enter its ethereal ecstasy and effervescent entity! So say I.

Generally, Target's clothes are much higher quality than Wal-Mart's. For one thing.

Plus one. I just bought a nice shirt there AND a bitchin' hat, one of those fedoras you'd imagine a 50something year old rich Jew in Palm Springs wearing with horn-rimmed glasses and a Hawaiian shirt tucked into some nice chinos, circa 1961. I had a vision of what I want to be when I put it on, let's say.

A dick?

A dick.

Surely.

Just to clarify:
[IMGS OFF]

Just make sure that you're in your forties before you wear it out of the house. Also, work on your steely gaze. I just don't want you to end up looking like a Honda Goldwing riding sword collector.

That's right - I care what you look like.

It actually had the shorter 60s type brim, so maybe it's not really a fedora but it's the first name that came to mind.

This is the closest thing I could find:
[IMGS OFF]
"Oh Karen dear, another martini for me and Hank here, we're absolutely parched from the first batch BAHAHAHAHA"
::Karen slips cyanide into Burt and Hank's martinis::

I could be wrong, but I think that'd be considered more of a pork pie hat. They're a bit easier to pull off. For a fedora to work at all, one's style must be basically bullet proof.

Look everyone, Rowboat's wearing a fedora!

I didn't want to say porkpie hat because I didn't think it was right but I did want to say it because of the obvious Achewood reference. But ok, a porkpie it is.

I'm assuming you've never been in either a Target or a Walmart.

Target>Walmart

Target is classier than Walmart.

It's okay, tgh, we know we're right. I just wish other people could know it too.

Ya'll some Target shoppers.

Hey guys, fuck Kohl's, huh? amirite? wait...

Oh, you can't pull that shit on me, Hammy. I'm your Facebook friend. I know that you just officially became a fan of Kohl's.

The plot thickens...

It's...It's not TRUE, I tell you!
I want you all to expect great things of me!

oh god, it's happening again!
*tortured scream*

When I shop at Target, I just feel annoyed, and borderline disgusted.

When I shop at WalMart, I begin to feel my IQ dropping as I pull into the parking lot. By the time I get to the checkout, I have a hard time remembering the Quadratic Formula.

Oh, that's no big deal, I forgot that when I graduated high school.

It's a big deal to biff. It's the equivalent of sudden onset of Alzheimers/diabetes to him. Which would be scary.

Well if he don't like it, he oughta make like a tree and...uh...

Get out?

;)

Yes.

I usually limit my visits to WalMart to once a year at the most.

That was my first trip in a good three years so I ain't sweating it none.

Last time I went was Thanksgiving and it was to a Walmart in an "urban" area of Virginia.

oh my god.

:(

Then again, rural Virginia is probably 100x worse.

most likely oh yes. I had to go to West Virginia for my uncle's wedding.

oh my god.

WHERE MEN ARE COAL AND WOMEN HAVE COAL ON THEIR LIPS

WHERE MEN ARE MEN AND WOMEN ARE SOMETIMES MEN TOO.

Exactly.

The Quadratic Formula would be my tattoo!!!

Flaseprophet, you have been hell of on fire lately!

falseprophet is the father we never had.

This asset rocked my can so much, just FYI. More than the strip, if I am honest. Thanks falsie!

(P.S. I still have a provisional licence)

Ah, but what if you're not honest?

I'm guessing you both understand that the R with the full-stop after it is a logo for the surf brand "Rusty". Either way, it still also stands for Ray and is hilarious.

Way to crush our undying faith in and love for the comedic genius of Achewood.

Perhaps I had to be cruel to be kind. Perhaps Ray doesn't know that it's a Rusty brand either. Perhaps Ray thinks they made it just for him. Ray is all you need to know, full-stop.

I accept that reasoning. Thank you.

Fuck, I wish I hadn't wasted all my chubbies earlier.

I gotcha covered. Say you owe me a drink one day.

Haha, wow, I was off. It's Ray, though.
If he wore shirts more often, I'd expect most of them to have his likeness.

He's worn this shirt before (with another classic porn reference): Choad Warning!

Hey Celesticles, can we talk? You seem like a really cool guy and I've been meaning to ask you a question...

...

WHAT NEWS FROM THE NORTH?

Is that a polite way of saying SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY? because I really need to learn the polite way of how to do that politely.

No, it was just a way of making a cheap reference that I didn't realize stereo had already made further down the page.

Retract.

YOU retract.

Damn if the cigarette butt don't just make that last panel.

There's nothing like a wet cigarette butt next a street curb to remind me of everything I failed to achieve in life.

I like the gum. That is a wad of dried up, used gum.

Fucking Mama Kazenzakis can suck a nut.

Perhaps, but I fail to see how this is relevant. Is this your Christmas wish or do you merely want that to be depicted in the strip on some upcoming occasion?

"Oh how mean she is; if she were a real person she would be prone and ought to do lewd acts unbecoming of people of a higher class, for she can do (and we can expect) no better."

Also I'd like to comment on the extreme detail in that last panel, something I was just talking about last comic (but was actually referring to dialogue and narrative).

This is why I love this strip. You don't really get any other strip that can go from making you gut yourself with laughter to instant gut-wrenching sadness. Although the image of Ray coming towards him, ready to lecture on the goodness of Seka, looks like a flashback to Roast Beefs fabled acid trip.

Damn man this strip made my eyes full well up. I sure hope that's not his last memory. I AM SO SAD FOR THIS CARTOON CAT

We all love the little cat Roast Beef.

At least to counter the awful treatment his mother gave him he's got Molly. Look at that expression of sheer concern in panel 5.

Unfortunately, to Beef it probably looks like an expression of anger and disgust.

I can't get over the disappointment on Roast Beef's face when Ray asks him if he's ever heard of Seka in his memories.

It's almost like an untold story in Beef's head, a conscience embodied by young Ray that he depends on to snap him out of his depression, but it always ends up not realizing it's role and failing Beef.

"Dude! Beef, snap out of it!"
"oh uh Ray thanks i needed-"
"Beef, have you ever heard of[i]Seka?

FUCK.

Now? Here?

Haha, I fucked up my first try at BBcode. I feel de-masculated.

The opposite is discovering you can touch type bbcode. Although, that doesn't really make me feel "masculated".

Well at least you can post 80 million times.

Yeah, sorry for making posts on a message board. That was bad of me.

oooh. BURN!

Man this is discouraging in many ways.

Perfect antidote to a tired arc.

Did...did he hear my wish?

The arc isn't too bad, I mean I like the romanticism as much as the next guy, but I'll be glad when we get into more of the regular antics.

An elderly gent and his high-browed good-time girl walked into a boudoir where a foreign robot had lain a wheelbarrow of fish and a typewriter run with silk as an attempt at provifing romantic mise en scene...

Are these not antics?

Are these not antics?
These are antics!

Are we not men?

[IMGS OFF]

YES

I hear you whisper in your sleep.

Then I email Chris.

We're very close.

Almost the same person, they are.

See, that's how I know you're lying. I scream in my sleep.

Prius Chaser! Baby! You came back for me! I just knew you would....

Hey, whachu doin' tonight? I think it's time we ended this little charade and got down to business. You still got my digits, right? Holla.

The screams.

Delicious.

Chris Onstad. Taste these screams.

Delicious.

I think all of us who were complaining on the last strip just combined our mental energies and wished really hard for this next one not to suck. We succeeded.

I am still bummed about that empty promise of a Lyle/Todd strip though.

Or maybe Onstad reads assetbar and cares about how we feel.

Or maybe not, and the world is still a good place.

[IMGS OFF]
Molly's right.

(now for non-premium users!)

Anyone in a relationship who suffers from even the mildest depression knows panels 2 and 3 all too well.

In fact this strip is all too eeriely similar to how my life has been since I've started college (the anxiety and pressure to actually put forth effort has manifested itself in to paranoia that dudes at Burger King are staring at me weird because I sit in the corner and read while enjoying my Whopper.)

Long story short, Chris, get out of my head.

You don't even have to be in a relationship. That's pretty much how all conversations with my mom seem to me.

Same here! Except most of the time she usually is yelling at me...

Dear Achilleselbow,
Pleas appreciate how I am not gonna use your perfect setup to make a mom joke here.
Sincerely,
Mattylite

I was actually waiting for someone to do it, but now you've gone and ruined it.

Haha, ya, that's what your mom said, er.. ... shit. Sorry.

I can't believe that you have sex with your mother.

Neither can she.

You're all, like, "Ma! I swear I just had sex you! I promise!" And she's all, like, "Are you positive? I sure didn't feel anything."

She can't believe it.

That is because you have a small penis.

AE, I too had to resist the immediate monkey urge to throw down a mom joke. It was like someone had left a $20 sticking out of an envelope on the sidewalk. My initial impulse was interrupted by the thought that somewhere, a hidden camera is rolling and I'm going to be one of a dozen dopes in a montage with canned laughter on some Galavision version of Hidden Camera with the envelope being yoinked into traffic by a Huck Finn style cane-pole and me following dumbly after with sound effects of screeching brakes and such.

But then I reconsidered: You fuck your mom ?!?

I'd post a comment except it'll just get lost in the pile, so why bother?

Seems a shame to rate this one higher than a 2, since it's rating on the Beef happiness scale after all...

Poor Beef. Good comic today, though. Much better than the shenanigans.

Even better than the hijinx?

hilarious

Poor beef

Of course, if you <i>haven't</i> heard of Seka, and then you Google it in the name of enlightenment, the second hit you will get is for the South East Knitting Association.

Probably Beef has heard of them.

here's an early christmas gift.

[i][/i]

Aw, shit. And all I got you was hazelnut Hedgehogs.

Aw, it's ok!

Daaaaang, straight up cock to a stranger. So close to Christmas, too.

Ah well. If the worst thing I do in a day is use the wrong coding on a forum and the worst thing he does today is call attention to it, I reckon we're not doing too badly, hey? Thanks for calling that straight-up cock, though. That cushioned the blow, no pun intended. xo

Well, I figured I'd butt my way in and take somebody's side. Here's hoping all your blows may be well-cushioned this holiday season.

polite golf-clap, approving murmur.

Slight head-bow, half-hidden smirk.

Being a dick would be like "YO DOUCHEBAG YOU FUCKED UP SO HARDCORE LOL LOOK @ DIS FUCKER. CAN'T CODE SHIT."

I was merely trying to inform you, ok?

Forget it. It's too late. I condemn you and all your works. Also, nobody said you were a dick. I think the implication was that you made a dick move, but that's not the same thing.

Forgive him. He's been pretty on edge, lately.

I don't really condemn him, honey. It's just italics. It's not life.

SORRY FOR MAKING A REFERENCE TO A COMIC AT YOUR EXPENSE AND BEING VIEWED AS A DICK BY YOU EVEN THOUGH I WAS NOT ONE OF THE MANY PEOPLE TO BE A DICK TO YOU IN THE LAST WEEK MERRY CHRISTMAS NO HARD FEELINGS I LOVE YOU THEGUITARHERO
LOVE,
NICE-ON-WATER AKA NICK THE GUY WHO WRITES IN CAPS

I wasn't calling you a dick, but it's ok.

Oh.

Yeah...

Wanna go get some Food?

Necessarily. Burger King sounds good?

That's kind of funny, I actually am craving the King.

Funny story, but I basically get all of my Whoppers for free. Have for years and years. Since the earlyish 90s basically.

Explain.

It's actually not a funny story. My father was VP of Marketing and I just have an absolute ton of coupons good for a free Whopper.

I haven't been there in years. I almost never eat at fast food places due to the high prices (compared to better food such as a delicious burrito at a local taqueria) and the lack of most options that aren't the hated and vastly inferior McDonald's.

Last time I had McDonald's, a simple burger and fry affair, I felt almost as bad as my Hot Black Colon Water episode, if anyone remembers that from about 2 weeks ago. No one probably does. Well I do. It was the worst day OF MY LIFE AND FUCK YOU PEOPLE FOR NOT EMPATHIZING FUCK YOU FOREVER

Please to mail me some of your coupons, belgand.

Me too. I will give you my address if necessary.

Sorry, but no. I never know when I'll need 500 Whoppers.

Whopper coupons are being reserved for attendees of SoreErection: A Loving Tribute to Achewood.

Were these coupons a final effort by your father to convince you to follow in his footsteps?

What if they Mexican Magical absolution for 500 mortal sins?

I'll take Mexican Magical Absolution for 500 Alex.

Are you absolutely sure, biff? There is no backing out of Mexican Magical Jeopardy.

You would be required in this case to tell Belgand a series of Whoppers for 500 nights to assuage his insomnia, each one more entertaining than the last.

The penalty for not satisfying him, I need not go into details about.

I sincerely doubt that Biff could adequately satisfy me. For ye my appetites are large and robust and he is a man who is trying to verify the quality of his steaks in the least efficient manner.

What if they Mexican Magical absolution for 500 mortal sins?

I'll Mexican Magical 500 Alex

tell me you didn't click twice to that double-post, that it was truly a hiccup by the Assetbar M.M.R. database....I know I didn't.

Hiccough? I don't know why it's pronounced like that either.

Hitchcock?

H-cup.

Big Ol' Boobies.

Triple H's cup.

I clicked only once.

Per post.

One click each.

I would not have minded that at all. Based on what I was able to observe his main task at work was to talk on the phone to people occasionally, pass work on to subordinates, go out to lunch, and make a very large amount of money.

Since my phone started being flaky recently my current lifestyle involves absolutely none of those traits.

:( I haven't had a Whopper since October and before that it was years.

i have had whoper

I have had an animal food-trough-whopper.

Oh hey, it's 13 year old me. Nice to see you again.

I haven't had the King in quite a while (see below), but I need to switch from Wendy's because their burgers makes my poo green for some reason, and Taco Bell, while delicious and cheap, gets old.

Man don't you go sassing Wendy's

Wendy's is awesome, especially considering how cheap it is

When I was younger I used to throw up after eating wendy's burger, so I haven't risked it recently, but damn do I love some spicy chicken go wraps.

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