The Achewood Generator

The Achewood Generator 02/18/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Understanding Maniacs, by H. Norton Shales

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I challenge somebody to do a comic using the Ruinous Habits / Fried foods / Ray / Cyrus West Field / Isambard Brunel ideas.

I don't have the stones to do it, but I know it's already forming in the imagination of somebody out there in internetland, and furthermore, I know it's AWESOME.

And I say that without know who Cyrus West Field is.

I want to see one using " " (two entries below Ray in the list) as the primary character.

The implication is clearly that Ray is the only primary character who is appropriately conducive to one-off self-entertainment strips.

Self-entertainment... is that what he was using his hands for?

Yeah. He goes to the garage because he prefers the decorum for the activity. Restraining seatbelts, brake fluid and power drills, shit helps Ray get comfortable.

Did I just elude to Ray being into...I apologise.

If I could give you one chubby for the strip summary and one for the Mike Gravel icon, I would.

Ok, now do unpopular appliances/things that turn red/ray/teodor/a chair is ageing

Ray and Teodor discuss Ray's newest whimsical and wholly unnecessary purchase: a device that causes the lawn furniture to rust very quickly.

Ok, well that was maybe a little harsh. I guess I was just venting my disappointment that I didn't see a comic recreated here.

prayers::answered
[IMGS OFF]

It's so hideous I think I had a stroke. Chubbied.

Why do the ends of pictures posted always get cut off?!?!?!?! Is it perhaps just my computer?

For me, Right Click (Well, Control-Click, I'm on a Mac, but it should work I guess) > Open Image in New Window reveals the whole thing.

it makes even less sense now...

I like how Ray's physique is represented by a frowny face.

When a beer gut does a :(

It's like Teodor's Mickey Mouse Pancakes.

somehow reminds me of Milk Chan...

I compliment the use of 'from history'

am in progress of properly comicizing this biz.

an hour. one whole hour of my night dedicated to making this Happen. i am SO hoping for chubbies for this.

Your request is granted, but not because of your hoping. I think everybody respects genuine effort.

did you do this in photoshop or some other (less ridiculously expensive) program? I wanted to do this but lacked image editing...

Also chubbied. I feel like a scriptwriter now. Good thing the strike ended before yesterday.

Try GIMP.

that's totally it!

Of course. I pay attention.

duly noted~

made with a Program called [url=http://www.gimp.org/windows/]The Gimp[/u]. the best (well, only) Photoshop-style editor i've ever used. it's powerful enough to generate my avi and things like this, so i'm happy.

The Gimp

...curs�d tag.

Definately worth the effort. I even held my cursor over the stript expectantly, waiting for the alt text.

repeat (and paraphrase) of another alt text: "You can do whatever you want in life."

Onstad, what have you done? You've forfeited all the power you held over we Acheworlders! No longer are you the hand that feeds us; you have granted us the ability to create Achewood strips without you, and in doing so you are the architect of your own demise!

This is the biggest event since the fall of the Roman Empire.

I...I'm slightly ashamed to admit that after I read this comment, I hovered my cursor over it for a moment, waiting for the alt text.

See hellofditties comment just slightly above your comment, and or mine much further below. You will find peace and grace, along with us other fuckwits with thumbs firmly planted.

Yeah, but I didn't do it on one of the images above. I did it on the script that earendil wrote. heh.

What if Cyrus West Field is a place and a not a who?

Good point.

Cyrus West Field is a state of being.

maybe it is a condition

At around panel 5 I was confident instant messaging my friend to tell him that the new Achewood is amazing.

With comics like this one, I will often do anything to sate my curiosity... including reading the next panel.

Up to and including?

Up to and including and I'll occasionally even post a turn of phrase I think is clever but is really just a rip off of the strip because I wasn't able to think of anything original to say.

[IMGS OFF]
Isambard Kingdom Brunel: HE GETS THINGS DONE

When he reads this strip, he will imagine Ray was constructing a railroad.

This man just kicked Cathy in the head and collected the money she owed him.

Why would anyone ever need chains that large? Seriously.

The chains aren't really that large. Isambard Kingdom Brunel was a leprechaun.

Try my lucky drapes! They're magically realistic!

You know a man with Kingdom in his name is compensating for something.

He probably has to act less awesome so his name doesn't intimidate people away!

This photograph is reproduced in Hollis Frampton's seminal "Circles of Confusion." Does above poster enjoy both Styx and Frampton, or is it a coincidence of the merest degree?

Something tells me Brunel is the specific catalyst for this foil, Cyrus West Field:

[IMGS OFF]

I assume the accompanying elements of the strip would be laying the Trans-Atlantic cable, gutta-percha cable sheathing, and oh yeah, Ray. As depicted above by cpnglxynchos.

Onstad is hella feeling the Nineteenth Century Trans-Atlantic communications today.

Perhaps he finally got around to his Christmas present from 2004.

God I hate Cathy

Chubby for Trystero.

chubbied for chubbie

I remember being kind of annoyed when ray became achewood's Primary Character. I'd gotten attached to lyle and philippe and lie bot. what a fool I was!

I miss Philippe and L.B. Todd and Lyle? Not so much. But that's just me.

I am hoping it's cyclical. For a while it was the Philippe show. And also Beef. Actually when I started reading I thought Beef was THE main character.

those towels weren't gonna stack themselves.

Now we don't need Chris Onstad anymore! This can supply days of entertainment!

As of today I have had verbal arguments with a lightbulb, a rather scratched John Prine album, and three of my cabinets. Often the mysterious black bottle seen in Ray's hand had a lot to do with it.

I am still not on speaking terms with the John Prine album.

i wish i could give this more than one chubby

that is hilarious, man

...and no, i don't think you're kidding

I got 2 copies of Prime Prine, no sleeve but totally not scratched, iffin that happened to be the one given you troubles.

I wish I had apologised to my old TV before it was taken away with the rubbish. Sure it was sketchy, and near the end it would turn itself on, change channels, and other wacky hijinks that scared the shit out of me at 1am, but it deserved more respect than I gave it. You'll have to excuse me, I'm getting all emotional.

Every time I climb out of my car and leave my keys in the ignition it immediately goes BEEEEEEEEEEP, reminding me they're there, and then when I take them out I always cheerfully say, "Thanks, car!"

Put credit where it's due.

I like that Kitten and Jeeves are both back after the Great Acheworld Avatar Crisis of aught-eight. (I personally will not be returning to the identity-crisis-prompting Abraham Lincoln, but I'm glad to see familiarity return.)

I also do this on occasion, also when I leave my lights on I am thankful for my helpful car.

Cars are some okay dudes.

WHAT THE HELL IS WITH EVERYONE SPEAKING LIKE MY FRIEND HAS SPOKEN TODAY. IS IT TALK PRETTY AWESOME DAY? Sorry for the caps. Should I...Should I say something clever and related now?

When I am at home alone, I often converse with furniture. I have named my fridge, cabinet, and computer. I am also always naked. Picture it, if you will: a bleary-eyed and slightly buzzed me, my goonies hanging about in a most unsavory way, stumbling into my kitchen, looking at my fridge saying "Hey, Glyn," opening the door, apologizing for the intrusion, and taking out a bottle of milk. The next part of this story involves me taking some harder drugs and screaming at the milk just furiously and throwing it against my wall.

Today was awesome.

My Dutch friend named my hanging plant Ned. Whenever he came over he would get a big grin on his face and yell, "OWZ IT HANGIN' NED?!?"

i refuse to believe this is true...but it is almost too ridiculous to be lied about.

Yeah, that black bottle will make you boisterous and friendly, but in a way that will be too strong for some John Prine albums.

Oh God I'm out of chubbies, a sort of e.d.

I chubbied this not because I was that impressed but because I wanted to undo an undeserved lame.

Also, I think Ray was using his hands to exercise his biceps with a heavy typewriter.

Man but seriously the Xbox is gigantic.

Was it the first time you engaged in sex, or the first time it was enjoyable?

On the previous occasion he was boning a web site and was denied cookies by a close friend.

Heeey, you told us about that sex on the previous strip too! You ARE just hella postin' about the sex!

Javonathan, thank you for helping me to understand that there really is a more reprehensible sort of comment than that of the "I'm in a band" variety. I was willing to allow your previous mention of this sexual encounter slide, but now I will lame you, leave a bitchy comment and remember to be wary of you in the future. That is all.

please forgive me. it won't happen again. i swear.

It is okay, little javonathan! You were psyched about getting laid, is all. *pat pat*

Thanks, but we were pretty sure already that you would not get laid again.

also, i'm in a band.

Hey, don't worry about people like me, man. You just do your thing. I'm just sayin' how I feel. Besides, doin' it and playin' rock music are the raddest things. Especially when you're seventeen. I know this.

side effects of regular ketel one abuse include double visions, apathy, auditory hallucinations and implosion of the liver.

Side effects of regular Ketel One abuse include an empty wallet. That stuff is expensive, man. It is good though.

Excerpt from the slightly less popular Understanding Maniacs2 - Inside the Mind of a Maniac by Google:
Maniacs are driven off by the FIA in the Ferrari Series Challenge. Maniacs often like to make a speaker box for a soldier.

With magical Mexican realism drapes, it's always about car crashes and dying mailmen. If the drapes were really from Ibiza, they would lie to Ray about the mailman doing shots of absinthe and foam dancing in the neighbors driveway.

That would supply Ibiza's mailmen with interesting topics of conversation at parties

I applaud the amount of content in this strip, even if it doesn't push the standard "funny button." Is it designed to make me think, or ask rhetorical questions?

If this doesn't press your "funny button," you must be sober.

I like to imagine that the voice of the drapes was recorded originally spoken backwards, but played back in reverse ala David Lynch.

Now that you mention it, those COULD be the drapes from The Black Lodge. Which probably means there is a midget behind it. Also a stork dancing with a blue-haired stripper unicorn.

Are the midget, the stork and the blue-haired stripper unicorn chilling with Beef's hidden marriage fees?

Woohoo! Febuary 18th = My Birthday strip (And day before Steak Day.)! I feel so very special!

Also, I actually looked up today's Cathy, but sadly, the real strip was about how obnoxious it is to have an excess of remotes (ACK!).
Is worst strip, printed in ugliest newspaper.

You should check out The Comics Curmudgeon.

I looked...
What was I supposed to find there?

Yeah, Marmaduke Explained is indeed superior, but give the Curmudgeon time and it'll grow on you like a motherfucker.
catgrl131, I figured since you dislike stuff like Cathy you'd appreciate a web page dedicated to ridiculing horrors like that.

Ahh, indeed Sweet.
Thank you!

This seems to me like an knock-off of the superior Marmaduke Explained.

Comics curmudgeon is much more excellent that Marmaduke explained. Wait for a good spider-man or Judge Parker strip. Good times.

Chris Onstad you are my Lord and Saviour!

I like how this is a direct response to everyone getting on Onstad's case about being late, lately. Onstad:1 Us:0

Do you seriously think that this is the first time Onstad has burned us?

Does anyone remember the rock hard catcock debacle?

no, but i just started keeping score

I am very pleased to hear the tommorow is steak day.

BUT STILL NO CHICKEN RECIPE

IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY

(less effective with fat mice than huge-faced roast beef)

Worth the wait. So worth the wait.

Ray shows some serious ethical chops for more or less owning up to killing that mailman.

Is tomorrow's "Steak Day" aside and separate from Steak and Blowjob Day which falls on March 14th? Or does tomorrow come with a blowjob too? I need to know these things in advance. You can't just have a blowjob suprise you on President's day.

I dunno, I think I'm ok with such a surprise.

Tomorrow's Recipe: Not Chicken

I like to keep making an ass of myself by displaying that I do not know how to properly post a picture.

Maybe just straight up post the file's URL and we'll try to make sense of it ourselves.

http://a880.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/84/l_6eeac008e399d5f3d7e6483be0d64317.jpg

Thank you! Now I must rest into my shame induced coma.

You are a true friend, Geyser...um, Shitdick, is it? Am I pronouncing that right?

Shidde'. It's French.

Are you a Shitdick of the famous PWOT Shitdicks?

Please do not tell me my PWoT username is internet famous.

Is it good or bad that, after reading this, I put my mouse over it, and sat still for 5 seconds waiting for the alt text?

It's a compliment!

One more time!
<div class="img_container"><img src="http://a880.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/84/l_6eeac008e399d5f3d7e6483be0d64317.jpg" alt="Philippe went viral" style="border:0px;" /></div>

Damn, dude! Your gotta quit that html crap. We use bbcode here:

[IMGS OFF]

BBCODE like this: [img]www.wheretheimageisatontheinternet.com[\img]

Except use a backslash in the closing tag, not a forward slash.

Thank you. Goodnight!! [IMGS OFF]

Assetbar - 5
Twoply - 1

I feel your pain, my friend. But it's like watching a drunk on an icy sidewalk. I mean, you gotta laugh. It's not evil. You just have to.

Seriously, how hard is bbcode? 0 amount of hard, that's how hard. It's not hard, you use [] instead of <>, url instead of a, and img instead of oh wait

There there, twoply, there there.

dude srsly, stop. you are bad at this.

I laughed hardest at the primary character section.

Although technically Beef gets like one strip a year.

I think the thing is that Beef can only really be the main character in plot-driven strips, whereas Ray's personality is much more suited to one-offs.

i thought steak day was march 14th ?

No. Steak is so awesome, it gets its own day as well as its own half-day. You're supposed to know this.

The average maniac has, with tragic consequences, gone into a mania.

Chris forgot to mention the savory dessert that is alt text.

What a woman's fart he is.

this is the only achewood strip i've ever understood

"Handmaiden to an afternoon's despair" sounds like the name of a Goth band to me.

No, the first track on a "freak folk" album

What happened to Ray's Diary Crown?

It's not a diary crown, it's a gettin' mad rutty crown. If Ray had just gotten it on with the drapes or the dead cartero or something, I'm sure the crown would be in its proper place atop his head.

Is it just me, or is Onstad's relationship with his fanbase kind of awkward? Maybe just a touch of resentment?

i don't know, i personally don't see this as a huge dig at all, as much as it is a reference to the fact that yes, he did take longer than expected with this strip. more really a gag on himself. but then again, most all of my favorite media types pretty much treat their fans like so much stupid gum and i always come back because they can go ahead and cut me i cant even feel it anymore--- i loooove, love the PAIIIN!

I really think Onstad is pretty respectful of his fans, considering he basically judges his comics by "will I find this funny" rather than "will the masses find this funny." He avoids a sense of patronizing and I would like to think he holds his fans (most of them at least) to a relatively high standard.

I was just scrolling through the 140 comments (why are there always >100 comments even when I first check?) to see if anyone had made a similar point. I get the sense of a thinly veiled disdain off this strip, and it makes me kind of sad. It seems like Onstad resents having to do the strip, or feels it's become formulaic, or something along those lines. I'm not saying he is. I could be completely wrong. It's that's just the sense I'm getting from this strip.

Oh, lord, "it's that's." PROOFREAD, self. PROOFREAD.

True in that the seed of this strip lies in Onstad having done Achewood for so long, but I don't sense much resentment or disdain, just good-natured joking about Achewood itself, of a sharpness and insight normally only seen in the most intelligent, witty and slightly cynical fan, not its creator - amazing.

Onstad seems to be handing out sass by the bagfull with this one.

Meta-achewood!

holy shit this rules

Oh, aren't we the sassy one Mr. Onstad.

Your day will come!

Honestly though, that last panel contains a Cathy-related image I didn't need.

Best. Strip. Ever.

My wild and careless lifestyle means I can't chubby this (oh Louis!).

You are wrong.

Are you saying that it is in fact remotely funny or that he did not actually follow the directions as well as he could?

The funny end of the comment. I enjoyed the blushing Romano more than I can explain.

Hell of nicely played on the clownpenis.fart card.

For inclusion of Louis Theroux alone you get a chubby. I love that man.

I am so sorry. I will probably get lamed for this, but I just got home and was piss drunk reading this, and my cat walked on the keyboard, making the page scroll down to a random comment, and I remembered that Ray is a cat, and suddenly, somehow, life just made SENSE.

That is...so good.

Achewood: Now with Life-Assuring comments.

The Master transcends the medium. Truly artful meta-comicry.

A

A would read again.

The middle 'A' is to read

Aplusplus. Screw you AssetBar.

Fuck you.

It's okay man it's okay it's okay I saw what you were trying to do I had this mental image of an eBay feedback page with just thousands and thousands of green plusses and nonsensical comments and also at the same time those three guys from the front row of the Nice Pat/Animalicious concert It's okay man I swear it's gonna be okay

You forgot the hemorrhoid cream. That is another allusion I was making.

Use a period when you're being passive-aggressive.

Well, yes, but I was referring to the original post. And I was actually not being intentionally passive aggressive. I was just being melodramatically sympathetic cause I like being melodramatic sometimes.

Ah, I see. My apologies.

strongest achewood I've read in a long long time

This strip has the strength of five go-rillas.

But why so short?!

From panel 6 I expected Ray to invite the curtains to kiss his ass before heading off to Duane's.

I lost count of laughing out loud places at 7, I think.

Cathy's married? The hell?

Yes.

Pity the poor man, as he has consigned himself to what must be the utter worst fate imaginable.

I don't think Irving is too great a catch, either...

Chubbi'd.

i only recently realized the writer of cathy is named cathy

it makes it all a little sadder

It is? Really?

Wow. That may be the saddest thing.

Yep. Websnark's take on the event is here. As I understand, it did not make her funnier.

I laughed the most at "things that turn red."

The Achewood Generator makes the perfect gift for friends and family; holidays, birthdays, weddings, funerals, or any other occasion!

As seen on Achewood.com

Onstad-approved. Batteries not included.