Facts Enough for the Weekend.

Facts Enough for the Weekend. 10/26/2007 « prev 1st rand curr next »

My dad actually peeled out after he dropped off those albums. We didn't even shake hands.

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Friday Facts strips are Philippe's mentality and diction from soup to nuts. I don't think I'd attribute any of the punctuation or emphasis to Beef.

How could anyone POSSIBLY lame boobs? you all sadden me.

Uhm, gay?

Touche'

Gracias.

How about a "Babies need to eat" chubby?

Fool! Babies couldn't appreciate the wonder like I could. Screw the babies!

Beef is also the typesetter, and one who has strong opinions about fonts. (BEEF/KIRK 2008!) Furthermore, that is a quote of Beef himself, even if Philippe chose the quotation. All of the punctuation and emphasis must be attributed to Beef.

RB himself has a strong opinion on fonts? EVERYBODY hates comic sans.

Seeing as Beef thinks, talks, and even types entirely without punctuation, he does not strike me as the kind of character with specific thoughts on how to transcribe the way Phlippe makes his ideas.

Overall I just think it's trying to explain an element of the comic that is supposed to be charming and amusing in a way too literal sense. Analyzing the logic of how these are published and formatted sucks all the fun out of it.

He types with punctuation. See grep.

I guess he's inconsistent on this, cause he talks to Ray over instant messaging sometimes without using punctuation. Then again, so do I.

Talk without using punctuation, I mean, not talk to Ray.

Sadly.

Then I struggle to understand why you started attributing the punctuation and emphasis to anyone.

If one must be literal, Onstad is the source; he gets to use any and all graphical and textual means to create the effect he wants. Philippe's quote of Beef looks like Beef's usual speech because Onstad is conveying to us that Philippe heard it that way, and may also have reported it back to Beef by doing little impressions of Molly and Beef.

Beef does insert his own words into Friday Facts sometimes, but they are set aside in italics (and parentheses?), with a notation indicating that Beef is speaking.

The newsletter reads exactly like Philippe's thought process, not Philippe's thought process as filtered through Beef's editing. I don't think these strips would be as charming and entertaining if we were intended to think of them as "Beef formatting Philippe's thoughts." They are great because it is the other characters as observed from Philippe's perspective. The idea of Beef deciding that his own text should be in lowercase or that say or mean should be in bold takes all the fun away for me. It's too literal.

Dr. Manflesh will not be outdone

Or, rather, he cannot be outdone.

I'll have two vomitalicious urine malts. Just wrap them up in the birdnests and I'll be on my way.

And then when Philippe transfers his thoughts to paper, suddenly there are capital letters again. There is no full stop though I will at least give you that, although you did not say it

cunt is the smallest cup at 7-11.
pure genius.

do NOT go into a mania. this is basic.

Now this guy's got a thing for things that I like.

He means your hair, that's why it's funny.

heh

cute !but sad.

heh eh

heh. heh eh. dick.

realy like deep but could use a little work sommat?

I think they're just called Thai-style Puppies nowadays.

Philippe stated quite clearly that one must not go into a mania so why are you going into a mania?

Manias are always bad news. And bad news sells.

man oh man oh that is a hella cute corgie

shit *corgi*

I hate it when I shit corgi. :(

The corgis hate it when you eat them. :(

Apparently they taste terrible. I couldn't imagine them tasting good, what with all the attitude.

I know I'd certainly want to get down on the dancefloor to Plepsk Morning Nights.

It's a thing from the 80's.

I swear.

I believe that's known as the Mod Revival.

Hee hee, I will forever think of a cunt as the smallest possible cup at 7-11.

Maybe ewin is a girl? In which case, yes she will, if she has a mirror.

She doesn't have a mirror, trust me.

Depending on who you go to 7-11 with, that may be correct!

I will not try this at Starbucks.
I will not try this at Starbucks.
I will not try this at Starbucks.

Oh, I will.

Yeah can I get a Iced Cunt Caramel Macchiato with extra caramel please, thanks!

For the last time, sir. The Hillary Clinton election special was removed from the menu three weeks ago. Would you like to choose another selection?

What's your newest Democratic special? Those always taste the best.

The Ba-rock O'llama is a triple-cream mocha with a floating pat of llama butter. And a rock.

Can I get this with extra rock?

Jack Black is/can be funny, but I've only seen him in terrible shows and movies. Either I think too much of him or he has a terrible agent.

In more ways than one!!

"...terrible shows..." You've never seen Mr. Show. If you have, that statement is rendered ludicrous. Please tell me that you've never seen Mr. Show. If you mean what you say, then please tell me that.

Oh, I forgot all about Mr. Show. I love Mr. Show.

He gets cast in really generic roles that don't play to his unique awesomeness. He's totally able to play the "wild, crazy, unconventional ________ who shocks the establishment," but it's a total waste of all the rest of his style (as evidenced by Mr. Show and Tenacious D).

I can't parse Beef's sentence at the end there. Someone explain to this stupid boy.

I think what he's saying is 'hey, since you're complaining, I might as well, too!' But that's just me.

Well there are other schools of thought, I'd think. I mean it's open to interpretation. It can really go several ways, and I think it's up to us to decide (don't lynch me for this it's just my opinion!)?

Now, Hitchballs, I love you, but you're gonna get it.

Hitch, that is not a lynchable opinion.

Put a comma after "stuff" and it makes sense. This particular sentence threw me at first too.

I thought it was a semi-colon or possibly colon after "stuff I wish I ever got".
The colon/semicolon tag team are my nemesis of punctuation.

Maybe the three periods trailing off after 'stuff', whatever the proper name is for that device...

...ellipsis.

Thanks!!! I thought it had a name!!!

He's just saying that Molly always ends up findin a reason to yell at him after giving him a blowjob. Poor guy.

Heh I just realized: I am an Achewood "connoisseur." Awesome.

Margot at the Wedding is a new film with Jack Black and he is really good in it i have seen it

I first asked my mother what a "cunt" is when I was 10. She entertaining friends at the time. They left soon after.

I was listening to a Monty Python tape on headphones, which quickly mentioned "4 cunts, a clitoris, and a foreskin." I didn't know what any of them were, so I chose the easiest to pronounce.

I got in trouble :( She didn't even give me an answer!

Correction: "...she was entertaining..."

This is what happens when you edit your writings too much.

can someone explain this to me

She isn't entertaining any more.

SHOW SOME RESPECT ITS HIS FIRST DAY

There seems to be a disturbing amount of "female, old, Newbie, 1 viewed strip"'s going around on the board at the moment.

I call Conspiracy.

Do not go into a mania.

Cue Philippe Screaming Avatar Guy.

There may be some who are trying to shed the skin of their well-earned reputations, abusing the system to get around the lame limits. Or it could be the ads that Onstad placed in AARP The Magazine.

The doubling of avatars seems especially suspicious...

it's one of the default avatars.

I'll stay handy with the broom, in case you also decide to call Shenanigans.

it's funny bc she used a sock puppet to answer your criticism of sock puppets.

It is one person, probably neither female nor old....with the lead pipe, in the ballroom.

Yeah, well, whoever they are and whatever they're trying, I'm gonna start markin' 'em Spam. The idea of making hella profiles just to get chubbies that you give yourself is annoying, and undermines the meritocracy of the Assetbar system.

Huh. "You don't have spam marking privileges."

Well, somebody fix it.

There is something truly pathetic about giving yourself a chubby with your sock puppet.

It certainly gives a new layer or two of meaning to both hand job and auto-eroticism

Oh, come now. We all masturbate. Chubbying with a sockpuppet is just putting added thought and effort into it.

I feel a profound sense of shame at doing so, but I had to give this a chubby for gifting me with the term "couchfuck."

May I introduce you to Lore?

lore is the shit

this really should have like 500 chubbies.

Hehe! From the first post, I know you meant "she [was] entertaining friends," but with the second post in isolation I can only picture your mom in sequins and stage makeup, balancing a tower of chairs in her left hand and juggling flaming torches in her right while a drum-roll plays from out in the kitchen.

A kid (you I presume, although I don't know you so I just picture a Generic Young Child) walks up and goes "Hey, mom, what's a cunt?"

"Not no! I'm entertaining!"

Er, not now.

Point out a mistake, make one of your own. Every time. Internet karma in action.

Sentence fragments.

Knowing my mother, that is the most perfect visual ever.

In fact, even not knowing my mother, that would still be the most perfect visual ever. My applause, good sir!

I don't think I've ever seen you post without almost immediately after correcting yourself? No more self-doubt, friend. It is time for you to be okay with occassionally making typos/errors in a tiny box, and no longer endlessly revising yourself.

I asked mine what a "gang bang" was at age 12. I can't for the life of me remember why MacGyver had been talking about it.

When I was 11 I attempted to explain to my mom that Primus really wasn't that dirty of a band. Then she explained the lyrics to me and took the CD away.

Boy, it sure is embarrassing when your mom has to explain what the one about a "big brown beaver" is all about.

And art imitates life, apparently:

http://philippesblog.blogspot.com/2008/01/i-said-hate-word-oh-my-gosh-it-is-so.html

Cunt is actually a term longshoremen use meaning "an individual of great gumption or worth - salty, salt of the earth." This would explain why the lovable children's sardine was called "Cunty" and was also "the damndest little fellow."

So based on his calling a children's character "Cunty," his use of the "Longshoreman's Heimlich," and his wearing of a toque, can we assume that Lyle is familiar with the life of a longshoreman?

He knows a longshoreman's heimlich.

It says it's not a valid date so screw it.

http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=05022005

Your BBCode is weak, young grasshopper. You were too zealous with the slash. Maybe next time, young one, you will shake the baby up a notch properly.

-WFL

Philippe would like to respectfully request that you not go into a mania.

Philippe likes the things that he likes!

But what about The Oblio Correction??? (Also, using the OhNoRobot search, I have discovered that Oblio was a semi-finalist, apparently. Huh.)

Also, big ups to "HUGE cusses". Molly must have been insane with sass.

I laughed out loud at "HUGE cusses". Beautiful.

It's a pretty decent strip up until the end, at which point it pulls a 5. I cannot fully explain why Molly would be airing grievances about Beef while giving him a blowjob, or why she'd be so infuriated that he links her nagging with the sex stuff that they do, but it's hilarious anyways.

Molly seems to work really, really well in very small doses.

Any strip I physically laugh at gets a 5 by default.

I think that's a bit messed up, because you must give a huge number of fives. I give 'automatic fives' to any strip that makes me laugh for either more than 30 seconds, or so hard it makes me cry. Both of these were achieved on the 'Ray gets sort-of stoned' strip.

As it happens, I do give a huge number of 5s, but not always because I laughed at them.

I think it would be very boring if I parsed the definition of "physically laugh", so I'll just say that the important aspect is that the strip really surprised me with where the humor came from.

i very very rarely laugh out loud from reading stuff. it takes a huge surprise of a joke in an actual conversation to make me laugh for over 30 seconds

Teodor is correct; this is exactly how a Gordon Ramsay drinking game would go.

Logs, logs, logs. Lumber is our pride.

Solid

when people say things quickly, it's the truth.

If your correct, then we could conclude that the cardiopulmonary system taken from Doctor Kisses didn't give Beef all the characteristics of an AIBO.

God damn it BBcode, why do you always embarrass me in front of everyone?!

Because BBcode is <i]easier{/b^ than HTML.

Incorrect. They're virtually identical.

Forget BBcode, I was looking more at the misuse of "your" ...

I come before you a broken man. This is the first time in a great many years I've made that mistake but there it shall stand, mocking me for all eternity. I am nothing.

We could all lame it until nobody can see it unless they have an infinity key on their keyboards.

It's next to the ANY key on my keyboard.

I dream of the day I can get a blowjob that does not end in me being yelled at

HELP END BEEJ ACRIMONY, ALERT YOUR CONGRESSCARRIER

Start tipping them.

Gordon Ramsay used to play for Celtic. He's not a cunt to be trifled with.

Rangers, actually.

what's the difference?

in certain parts you could get a rite stabin for that

the celtics are basketball and the rangers are baseball.

Well due to mass Irish immigration Scotland after the potato famine, pretty much everything in most Scottish and English towns was divided in two (not Wales though because nobody likes Wales) including football teams and religion. Rangers is a Protestant football team and Celtic is a Catholic football team.

I was on b3ta a while ago and saw a story about somebody who saw a guy in a hardcore Rangers pub with the letters G E R S tattooed on his knuckles. He expected R A N on his other hand, but it turned out to be F I N. You gotta admit that makes a certain amount of sense.

It's funny because a priest could actually be waiting there before a mass.

"Is a rectum where a priest waits before he says mass?" is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. You know how you get that sort of warm glowy feeling in your head when you say something really smart or funny? I bet Mr Onstad's head did that after he wrote that line. Then he ate some bacon or something.

Ronnie Mexico as in Michael Vick?

Michael Vick is to the NFL as Todd is to Achewood.

I liked Ron Mexico so much better when he was just getting hilarious herpes and not murdering dogs.

Oh god I laughed myself stupid at those Mod band names. The sad thing is many of the real Mod bands had even stupider names.

Yay for FRIDAY FACTS!!! Fuck you Facts! (it is a combination idea)

Fuck Your Friday Facts!

Yes, I'll have a blue Slurpee in a cunt.

I wonder what the other sizes are.

Prolly one of the larger sizes would be a Salma.

Barbara Bush.

This strip reminds me of the large portion of childhood where I believed "fisting" and "punching" to be synonymous. I remember telling someone "I hope you get fisted by Mike Tyson." He was really shocked and just said "gross." I think I should really go find him and apologize.

This gave me hella chuckles, thank you.

funny, i remember using the word "cleavage" as an exclamatory statement in response to a baseball player absolutely crushing the ball. i was 10. i got stares.

Both of these are completely hilarious

We had to write a rhyming sentence one time in primary school. My friend's entry? "Let's Rape an Ape!". Complete with grinning illustration of said ape. Hilarity ensued.

The fisting >>> cleavage >>> rape-ape comment string has my face sore with grins and laughter. Oarsome!

One of the only flattering things about middle school for me was when someone pejoratively called me a pimp after I intercepted a ball he was supposed to catch in gym class. Man, if only we both knew what it really meant at that time.

There was a brief period in primary school where we thought "pervert" meant "idiot". So many arrests...

It could be worse. When I was a kid I thought "beaner" meant "fart." Nobody noticed until I got to the part of the story where "he let out the biggest, nastiest beaner."

Of course, this raises the issue of why on earth you would write a story like that.

rough chuckles!

He may not know what a cunt is, but for one familiar with [url=http://http://m.assetbar.com/achewood/uua1D9VnR/]cunty[/url], he should have made a closer guess.

is that a tampon with a saw on the end of it? that might be the most horrible thing i've ever seen in my imagination.

Yeah, what the hell is that? It looks like a Dremel combined with a vibrator

the chord trailing off to the left does lead us to believe that this artifact of chris's bedroom is electrically powered, and the knobbly shape of the thinner side (in addition to its smallish diameter) show marked similarities to a butt toy. but the butt toys that vibrate don't usually look like that. conclusion: chris doesn't vibrate things in his butt, but he wants to give us the impression that he does. the end!

Looks kind of like an intrauterine birth control device, like these:

[IMGS OFF]

Also, earthbound.

what about the term 'multiload' merits its use for this particular item? any way I imagine that, its unpleasant...

That is absolutely terrifying.

uhhh yes. it is not some weird abstract doodle, it is an IUD, one of the old coil ones.

It is an old-style anal vibrator. Current websites would be selling only new-fangled bum-tinglers.

It's a Rorschach Joke.

Basically, you figure out what it might be, such that it fits your general expectations of the strip. If you think "Friday Facts" is likely to be funny, you'll probably think it's a funny thing and your expectations will be validated.

I look at it and just see some indecipherable doodle. But this strip was pretty good for a Friday Facts. Some of it was funny.

It just looks like a drill or screwdriver to me.

Yeah, what the hell is that thing? Other than "from the '80's".

Teodor knows. Oh yes, he knows what it is.

I have spent today stuffing envelopes in an office. It has been a "Fuck You Friday" as far as I'm concerned.

haha. you dont have the ability to change your life. hah.

omg that was so mean. it is wrong for me to make fun of your horrible life.

replying late due to just waking up from anti-depressant induced coma: You were right!

anti-depressants!? CLASSIC. that is practically self-parody right there.

It's great to see Philippe saying curses.

Also: cunt count is now 3:
-cunt pills
-cunty
-this

Have we all taken our cunt pills this morning?

bubo (plural, buboes): "Inflammatory swelling of one or more lymph nodes, usually in the groin; the confluent mass of nodes usually suppurates and drains pus."

uh, i had no idea that teodor was so threatened by vegetarians.

bubonic plague, dogg.

THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A BETTER FRIDAY FACTS THAN THIS ONE!

(Yes, I was yelling. I was just that darned tooting excited about it.)

you were in a mania. shame on you.

Four Things:

1. Philippe, you do not want to know what a cunt is. you are five.

2. Philippe, you do not want to tease a rectum with a fake gun that shoots out a flag that says "POW". again, you are five.

3. It's an Electric Turkey Carver. and Teodor is right. it is from the 80's

4. You can't do that to Beef. Thats one hella mood-shift for a guy with depressions to deal with.

Oh, and don't worry Philippe, i won't go into a Mania.

(i might fugue tho)

From now on, Electric Turkey Carver is a euphemism for vibrating sex toy.

Oh and Chubby for the Cave Story avatar.

How old is Philippe again?

what, beef should dump moly?
then where will he be

you insulted the cat girl's honor and for that you should expect nothing less than lames or gunfights

also japan

What you are not getting is that that Beef wants all those same things. He's just perpetually petrified that things might actually turn out well for him.

Ehh... doesn't really seem like that's what he wants to me.

This was a domestic squabble. A spat. All couples have spats.

Beef's the kind of person who needs people around him. I think that without Molly provoking him, he'd eventually fall into stagnation. Molly knows Beef pretty well. She knows how to and is willing to deal with his depression, but is also trying to help Beef help himself.

Beef has as good bros as anyone can ask for. But even they can be a bit absent minded about his condition.

They do indeed, but they usually manage to do it without screaming and swearing at one another.

ah but they are in the process of preparing to get married. The stress is probably getting to them.

Be real, do you think you can see Roast Beef telling himself he deserves better?

Yes. And then I can see him sitting in the dark for days wondering, "oh dang man what made me think that ever"

No, I don't, sadly. She's his first girlfriend ever. I mean, he's marrying the first girl he had sex with. Doesn't this seem a bit wrong?

We don't know that she's the first one that he's ever had sex with. We can assume, but we don't know for sure.

What you're seeing isn't a mutual incompatibility between two people who aren't going to get along, but the necessary fights that people will have when they're preparing to spend the rest of their lives together. I don't know why Molly gets on Beef's case after a blowjob, and maybe we'll find out later; maybe her complaints occur nowhere near any sexual activity, and she's irritated at him for not realizing that.

But I think that you're not extending her the benefit of the doubt. She pulls toast out of his mouth when he's too depressed to finish eating it. She's trying to help him get past his bullshit, and Beef's starting to stand up for himself too because of that. I don't see it as an unhealthy relationship at all.

Well, he told Philippe he'd never even kissed a girl. I guess it's possible he had sex without kissing them, but I hella doubt it.

As for the rest... eh. I guess we'll just have to see which of us Onstad agrees with

but this ain't one of those relationship ironing out fights/complaints - she's complaining about the damn faucet! Maybe a Freudian thing?

(chuckle) Kids say the darndest things! Yep, those little pitchers sure do have big ears! Philippe is a regular ol' "Dennis the Menace," isn't he? Well ... perhaps more like an irregular Dennis the Menace ... growing up in a household of foul-mouthed, substance- abusing hipsters instead of a suburban nuclear family unit, that little scalawag.

Of course, last week Philippe did go into a mania:

an acting mania

That's a really high quality drawing of a tampon. Do you think Chris is afraid of them?

who isn't?

It is a tampon???
What is with the corkscrew at the end of it?
Is that really how tampons work?

I guess I have been doing it wrong all these years...

you're lucky you haven't caused yourself an extreme physical discourtesy...

I accidentally lamed you. Cyber apologies.

First of all, I love Friday Facts. Second of all the alt text may be the saddest thing. Should we consult Lie Bot about this matter?

Today's alt text has been brought to you by Chris Ware....and the number 5.

i think this is the funniest friday facts ever.

Fake mod band names... Has Onstad been hitting the codeine again?

Teodor could have whipped out that Superman lie again.

[img=http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/9786/slurpeein7.th.jpg]

bonus points for the use of the Mickey Mouse font for Philippe's Guess Place.

Man, Teodor has been givin' ten kinds of sass ever since that Sinatra quip.

plepsk morning lights are such a good band, you guys. i have their record on COLORED VINYL.

I wonder if he wrote this strip while he was high on codeine.

Oh FUCK man, beaten.

Chris, you and your dad need a hug.

[IMGS OFF]

I believe the item in question is a spiral curling iron. Something very much in fashion in the 80s.

i think its for butts

If you think a curling iron is for butts, I think I will stay out of your bathroom.

are you sure...arent you intrigued by my lifestyle choices

Lifestyle choices? No. Hairstyle choices? Yes.

Oh my god... the perfect thing to say, ever! *splut*

Onstad used this knowing full well what we'd think it was.

I don't know if he would think we would automatically assume that's a butt toy. In fact, I am a little worried about the folks on this board who all thought it was some sort of sex toy. I would not want to use a pointy screw-in sex toy. Why would anyone design a thing such as that? Has anyone around here ever seen a sex toy?

I personally thought it was a soldering iron, but that's usually my first guess for things that plug into the wall and have a handle.

Be calm. The fact that it is vaguely reminiscent of a sexual device is part of the joke. It can be taken a number of ways and this is perhaps the most obvious, not only to the wrong-headed people here, but to anyone between the ages of 10 and 70. And yes, I have seen a sex toy and yes, it was quite pointy.

Dude. Consider the company that things keeping. Do you really think it could possibly be something not raunchy?

[IMGS OFF]

Or were you cleverly feigning ignorance just to bait me into googling that? Oh god my eyes, how they suffer for the greater good.

No, I understand that sex toys come in all shapes and sizes, I just find it disturbing that something which looks particularly sharp and painful is reminiscent of an object used in the most sensitive areas of a person's body in so many achewood readers minds.

"The Arrest and Release of Ronnie Mexico" Given that Ron Mexico was Michael Vick's nom du jour at the VD clinic, I am curious about Roast Beef's take on this film.

I would like to say more, but shall not, for it would doubtless be inflammatory.