The Last Hardy Boys Book.

The Last Hardy Boys Book. 11/21/2007 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Frank always was the calm, brunette one.

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Things have gone south since Ray visited the Hardy Boys This is what happens when you freely discuss orgasms and jazz music in the hallways at public schools.

I think what Lyle meant by "hitting the prone form" was that he was beating the body of the recently deceased with the lead pipe that was shortly after disposed of in the river.

Well fuck me, you were making a reference.
I see how it is, year old comment.

tobaccolingus?

I forgot about this feature.

It is a gift from a benevolent God.

Jesus loves us and wants us to have nice things.
Javier hates you and wants all your nice stuff.

People mark his business as lame and it vanishes and leaves me really curious as to what the dude said. Was it that bad?

Say it to the folks who try to fit in, say it to the folks who try to opt out: using the word "hate" about people on an Internet forum makes you the saddest, saddest nerd of the sadnerds.

It should be marked as spam, I don't know why it gets marked lame. I've had him on ignore since he showed up, so I can't mark his stuff either way.

Once again, it's the old female giveaway.

Old female giveaway? How do I sign up?

Meet me in the observatory at midnight. Wear peacock cufflinks and a chartreuse ruffled undershirt. I'll be the man with the russet leather attache and the monocle. Bring a toothbrush

Oh man you have a monocle I have been looking for one forever where did you get it?

I confiscated it from Dr. Mindbender on our last raid of the Cobra Terrordrome.

yeah you google the fuck outta that troublemaker.

keep on rocking, dude. i agree.

I did ignore him. He created at least four more profiles on this page alone to force all of us to see his postings. What exactly are you agreeing with? That this is the "Feed Attention to Some Cowardly Twerp Forum," and we should be glad to get random insults when we only came here to discuss Achewood?

UNH.

The sock-puppetry has descended into UNINTELLIGIBLE stupidity.

Dude, if you're going use Acheworld as your online, virtual jacking off playground, don't get your mental jizz all over us. We are not the face for your money shot. Go onto YouTube and start fights or something.

SCREW YOU, TOWL! FUCKYOU!

Thanks to Towl, I have actually run out of lames. I cannot give any more.

You can have one from me, retinarow.

aww, thanks. I'd give one back, but, ya know...

I'll just throw it on your tab.

Your avatar just GAVE me epilepsy, you bastard.

That's right: previously, I did not have epilepsy, but now I do, purely because of his rapidly flashing avatar.

dont say epilepsy

Goonies never say epilepsy!

I focused too hard on it, trying to figure out what it was, and I, too have acquired epilepsy.
On the other hand, the cat having a seizure was a pretty nifty avatar.

didn't Christ come back though?

But he died again.

if you are supremely curious you can always change the number of lames required to hide a comment at the top of the page. That said, it is not really worth it this time.

I always get here late, and miss all the ruckus. who said what to whom?

I feel your pain. It's like driving and seeing a bunch of shattered glass at an intersection, and all you can think is "shiiiit, shit went down."

Or you can click the word Comment where it says "A comment left by..." and it links you to a page with their comment alone.

You can always change that. Just below the green "Post a Comment" field above is where you can change how many lames it takes for a comment to be blocked.

Oops, sorry, missed Coldfrog's post on my first read-through.

You can click on the underlined 'comment' and find out, if you want to. "a _comment_ left by.."

I actually believe that he is a talented artist who deserves to be heard.

"The book starts with Joe Hardy screaming - "Get out of the way, Frank". He is running to the place where an explosion just took place. Their car had a bomb in it and it exploded.

Joe Hardy's girlfriend - Iola Morton, was in the car when the explosion took place, killing her. Joe is unable to believe it. Frank & Joe begin their investigation. They meet a person who calls himself 'Gray Man' from a government agency called 'The Network'. Frank and Joe take his help to get to the person who planted the bomb. Soon they learn that it is not a person - but a group of terrorists who call themselves 'Assassins'.

Joe vows to kill them. As the story progresses, some Assassins are killed in encounters while others escape. They come to know that the person who killed Iola is a member of The Assassins named 'Al-Rousasa'."

holy everloving christ i have this book

manflesh you are to this forum as to what the pope is to the church

Manflesh, what gives? That comment was entirely pertinent to the strip, non-ironic, non-scatological, non-kinky, and not in the least absurd. Do you have a fever? Is it a tumor? Get better soon!

I believe you meant, "Toomuh"

nope. tumour.

Nor is it Lupus.

Sometimes this happens. It's OK.

Holy shit they had the first 10 of these in my middle school library. I had completely forgotten about them.

Rather gruesome, actually. Torture came up often.

I always have the damndest bowel movements after beating a friend to death with a pipe as well, maybe I should take up solving mysteries.

I read all the Hardy Boy books as a child. And many many many years later, this would be the perfect topper to those memories.

This MUST be written.

There sort of is a novel like this, Joe Meno's The Boy Detective Fails. It's more lonesome and elegaic in tone, and ultimately more hopeful, than anything I'd expect out of Lyle, but worth checking out.

I presume that the "Casefiles" series (in which Iola was killed off) are non-canon as far as Lyle's concerned.

killed off by a carbomb, no less!

In book 5 or something she (maybe) came back but I seem to remember that there was confusion about whether it was actually her or an imposter. Oh fuck it.

Another set of wholesome children's characters turning to substance abuse.

"We made too much money."

Wish I had a chubby left -- johnnyc, that was a thing in the main!

Joe raises Chet's severed arm, waving at a passer-by.

...asked Joe, his pupils the size of neutrons...

Great!

Somebody is a Real American Hero in that book. We just have to figure out who...

I really think that this is the only time any will ever consider New Jersey "abroad".

Nah, there's plenty-a broads in Jersey. =)

Living in the UK, I definitely consider New Jersey "abroad".

There's no need to consider New Jersey.

The only opinion I have about New Jersey is that the old Ghostbusters cartoon seemed to imply once per episode that New Jersey was the worst thing ever.

Ghostbusters wouldn't lie to me, so there you have it.

That cartoon was pretty sweet but why did they make Egon blonde and put him in a blue suit? It's weird.

Judging by the flavor of Joe's speech, that year abroad in New Jersey must have been rough.

Lyle lost his glasses sometime between september 20th and now.

Those are his drinking glasses. He doesn't need them to read or anything.

i dunno, the bottle next to the keyboard suggests he's been a drankin. Maybe he can't multi-task with the glasses on.

do you ever stop?

Say towel, that was actually really funny. Would you make a wildly derogatory comment about me? Sign it to "Clara," would you? She's my sister. She's a huge fan.

Hopefully either a fireman, a cowboy or an astronaut. That's kind of always what I'm shooting for.

I'm afraid you got "speaker of English" this time around.

Or "Major in English"

Oh no, no, no! Say what you will about me, but please don't confuse me for one of Them. I had a better way to waste my college years; I majored in factory work and LSD.

And towel, I never got my signed copy of ROWBOAT IS A FUCKING PLEBIAN UP IN THIS MUG!!! Clara will cry herself to sleep tonight.

When rowboat talks that way, I feel like I'm sittin' on the nozzle of a big metal tank that says YALE.

Teaching at a high school, a kid called another kid a "towel." I clarified with him that this was, indeed, what he said. Upon hearing the affirmative, I gave them a look that let them know that kids these days are stupid and I never was.

Could this be towl's reasoning for the name? Is this a word The Youth are using these days, and I am so out of Touch? Or is it just a randomly chosen word, and these two aforementioned kids genuinely dumb?

There's no point in telling me that kids are stupid and lame - I teach, I know. Dude...I know.

Damn. Towl is, like, eight different people on this board and not one of them answered. Fuck you, towl. And all your little towlettes, too. When I post a mundane opinion or a lousy joke on this board, I count on you to rip it to shreds with a violent, nonsensical tirade that calls into question nothing less than the validity of my very existence. We all do. When you leave us in the lurch like this, it makes me wonder what kind of a friend you really are....if we are even friends.... "TOWL UP IN THIS MUG LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER?" I used to think that meant something....

Chubby for towelettes.

[insert joke about chubbies and moist towelettes here]

[insert chubby here]

He might have been quoting South Park, if I know high schoolers. Someone tells Towlie that he is, in fact, a towel. He replies "You're a towel!"

Ah...that makes sense now. I only ever heard one pair of kids say it, so I figured it was just an in-joke between them, but I didn't think of it being a quote.

On the one hand, I think I don't watch enough South Park. But on the other hand, I think I'm fine.

The Urban Dictionary has some ideas, which are all, of course, completely full of shit.

FUCK!

Either way, it makes me feel like I'm sitting on the nozzle of a big tank that says "YALE"

Virtual chubby yo' kitty havin' ass, lateadopter.

Damn, dem Hardy Boys really let themselves go since last I saw 'em.

But...but the Bobbsey twins turned out just fine, right? Right, Lyle? Lyle?

Flossie and Freddie were last seen heading to LA to 'make something of themselves'. After Nan's mysterious pregnancy and subsequent abortion, Bert was never seen again.

These days, Nan doesn't really leave the attic much.

weed and ether is like cheese and crackers. it was meant to be.

chubbied for awesomeness

There is something very amusing about a "final" Hardy Boys adventure. This strip really captures that.

you need to lay off the jazz cigarettes.

The jazz cigarettes are fine, they only become a deadly cocktail when mixed with ether.

I really honestly think that jazz cigarettes are the least of towl's worries today.

The closest thing to an amusing comment you have made thus far but you are still a dick because pissing people off on the interwebs really makes you feel like the naughty old woman that you want to be.

Towl, as you grow older you will learn that some bottles are always ok to drink from.

I'm out of the game* for a month, and when I come back, Lyle's fucking ELOQUENT! This is a vast difference to his blog's Lyle-dialect, but I guess when one isn't trying to make a killing, you write how you wish. Truly, it would seem he is more versatile than I give him credit for.

Also, half the jokes are lost on me, as I never read any Hard Boys books as a young'un. No no, I got The Famous Five and Lassie. The only Hardy Boys I heard of for a long time, until I was about 20, were the Xtreme kind:

[IMGS OFF]

*The game is Acheworld. This is "the game" that I have not been on in a month. I hope I was missed, but I know that we are all distant and intellectual enough to not bother attaching emotions to our posts, as it would detract from our reputation and result in Lames. Don't deny it.

The spell-check on Blogger is optional, but it's a lot better in Word.

This is acheworld!

BROTHER!

towl is my new favourite poster

his unique and endlessly plentiful insights contrast so well with onstad's cohesiveness and literacy

like staring up at the moon while standing in a bucket full of rats

I think, technically speaking, the rats have more collective 'intelligence' than the moon, which happens to be an inanimate object...

you make it sound like I was trying to call him unintelligent or something

haha yeah I suck

You were initiated as a Mason too?

You neede high-tops if you're standing in a bucket of rats, Crocs don't cut it.

oh man. bucket full of rats. i needed to articulate my extreme joy at your image. a chubby alone doesn't cover it.

Those are some tiny pupils. Joe's eyes are all iris. He looks like he is the Kwisatz Haderach.

the shortening of the way.

Ya'll some nerds.

A Dune reference qualifies one as an ultra-mega-nerd. Clarifying a Dune reference is going to infinite nerddom and beyond. But that's what we're here for, unless we are trolls.

I don't know what you're implying here, but it is by nerdiness alone I set my mind in motion.

Sorry about the accidental chubby there, dude. Trackpads suck. Hope you'll let it slide. Anyway, I was referring to the user who has posted about half of the comments today, and who therefore deserves only an epithet.

Accidental chubby? Stop hanging out in the boys' locker room, you!

Accidental chubbies can be hard to explain, depending on the situation.

There was a story I read once (backed up by the purest rumour and hearsay) that when the Rome underground railway system first came into use, priests riding it would spontaneously ejaculate due to all the close rubbing and human contact.

This story and this story alone is why Japan has subway systems.

late adopter has almost caught up to me in comments made on this page

i don't mean to pitch my tent on your lawn or anything dude if you want to have the most comments go ahead

i just want you to feel happy

I must not lame.
Lame is the post killer.
Lame is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face stupid posts.
I will permit them to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see rowboat's posts.
When the asherdans and towls of the Acheworld are gone there will be nothing.
Only chubbies will remain.

Dude, I ran out of chubbies yesterday and a very long time ago. Just know that if I had two dead rats, I'd give you one.

I can't believe you just did a B Kliban reference.

Depends if it's a Dune film refernce or a Dune book reference. Mua'dib.

And which Dune film. And depending on which film, which Version of said film.

There is only one Dune film.

Remember when a pair of Chuck Taylors was like $20? Nowadays it's double that. You DAMN RIGHT it's a shame to waste a good pair of Chucks.

But then you're playing the game for a while, and you're like HOLY SHIT this game sucks.

Nostalgia's not just a river in Egypt, you know.

no man, it's still a good game, it's just too long, now, to hold my attention. i no longer have the luxury of devoting hours upon hours of my time to playing it.

this message is in defense of old school zelda games, which are STILL good, but not anymore as accessible as we remember them.

And when you go back to those sort of games, you know all the cheats and shortcuts, and you can't be assed going through the annoying little parts and just want to get to the good bits.

I think the analogy is starting to fall down, now.

It is a play on "denial is not just a river in Egypt" and I can't believe I'm actually explaining this.

It will probably come back to haunt you in some later incarnation.

Karma is a bitch.

yes I know that I was joking.

Retinarow is such a joker that he can recognize a joke told by retinarow.

If we try hard enough, lateadopter, we can probably keep this going forever. We're 2-for-2 now.

Yeah and the game is Ghostbusters for the NES.

Lyle is a frugal man; he does not waste Chuck Taylors.

If "Number 2" is how your body proves that it is scared, "Number 1" is how your body proves that it is mildly perplexed.

towl: the new asherdan?

Also, I would like to see Lyle "wrap up" Nancy Drew, Sweet Valley High, and maybe redo the ending to the Baby-Sitters Club as well.

hahah this guy is gold

hahah see?

I agree

If I knew what that meant, I'm sure I would say it to you verbatim.

KOODGE!

Oh fuck OH FUCK I both love you and hate you at the same time for that Table of Elements reference. Stop toying with my emotions, you bastard.

Okay, you won me over.

Temporarily, at least.

Your pun was elementary.

hey. no.

I see what you did there.

Assuming you genuinely want to know, I think it's Un Chien Andalou, but I'm up for correction.

You better!

There is no other reason I could possibly have selected that avatar other than being a pretentious film snob. FACT.

Or it could be an obscure Pixies reference.

GOT ME A MOVIE I WANT YOU TO KNOW

SLICING UP EYEBALLS I WANT YOU TO KNOW

GIRLIE SO GROOVY I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I AM UN CHIEN . . .

ANDALUCIA!

(actually it was mostly that so high-five)

A chubby to you, sir or madam, for not also making "Debaser" part of your user name. You'd just be beating it over our heads, then.

I'm only saying that out of guilt, though. Debaser1087 was my name on quite a few online vidja-games in my youth. I thought I was so clever.

I know fuck-all about cinema, so I'm flattered that you consider me a "fucking cinosavant." For my part, I envy the freedom and youthful joy you get from being twelve.

Personally, I'm waiting on Boxcar Children.

b-...but I thought I was the only one!

The otter is shocked that retinarow is alsowaiting for Boxcar Children

I have made a grave omission.

haahhaha, i was thinking about this too. this is as much as i could postulate:

nancy drew: george starts seeing a really hardcore lesbian who hates nancy, bess has gone all requiem on diet pills and nancy gets raped while solving a crime.

sweet valley high: one of the twins gets alcohol poisoning, the other starts selling her body to pay for the medical bills. somewhere in there: at least one DUI and prison scene.

couldn't really think of anything good for babysitter's club. but i read those sweet valley books like a fiend when i was little.

Return to Where the Wild Things Are: An adolescent Max sails once again to visit the monsters who were once his friends and subjects. Tragically the hormonal changes brought on by puberty drive the beasts wild with hunger and he is swiftly dismembered and greedily devoured. The last lines read "...the blood ran out over earth / and in and out of stones / and through the grass / and into the pile of his very own bones / where they had made a supper of him / and it was still hot"

You're basically all turning into Alan Moore now.

Lyle would be a good children's book author, if he were not the opposite of a children's book.

Lyle is a good children's book author.

An interesting question raised by this strip is whether Lyle realizes this is totally inappropriate for the usual age group? See also his Harry Potter fan fiction.

In other words, is this just how Lyle's brain writes a "normal" story, or is this how he thinks it ought to be told no matter the cost?

Funny how Lyle can type in perfect English here, but his blogs are so fucked up. I'd guess it's different levels of alcohol, but he's drinking here, too.

Possibly he's channeling his past days as a cook in a Scottish girls' school.

What clarity those days had, and anxiety as well. Sobriety is a blade with a dozen edges at least.

Lyle would take his game to a whole other level just to fuck with Phillipe. It seems the few moments of clarity of thought he ever experiences are drawn out under the dangling carrot of a 5 year old otter's tears.

I have a half-cocked theory to explain this. We know from this strip that Lyle uses a PDA. Imagine updating a blog via handheld in Lyle's usual state and the result is plain: Alpha Bits swimming in gin.

In the spirit of things i will end my own favorite childhood book series

The janitor was late to wayside elementary, very late. He had not woke until 10:00 am. When he arrived in his white panel truck he found a terrible scene. Wayside elementary had collapsed.
"What was the city thinking putting only one classroom on every floor? What did they think would happen?" A policeman commented.
The janitor watched as rescue teams moved in, but he knew what they would find, not a single body, only rats. Dead, decaying rats.

I think I love you for destroying my childhood.

If it makes your childhood feel any better the kids all hid out on the 13th floor.

It's a shame they're trapped there, forever.

THAT DOES NOT MAKE ANYTHING BETTER AT ALL

NO OPINION!

I HAVE A REFERENCE TO A MAN FROM HISTORIES PAST AND FUTURE

Few Achewood characters don't get bitten by the writing bug, and never for anything but profit, which is a good thing. I think Lyle could be the next James Elroy.

I want Lyle to write a Goosebumps for Philippe. It would be HORRIFIC.

I want Nice Pete to be the researcher on that project.

Lyle sees no reason to mistreat the Chucks. He won't go that far.

Joe, blonde and a year younger than his brother Frank, was the impetuous one.

Who would wear a dead man's Chucks?

Lyle.

Nice Pete?

only if HE killed him...

... and thus earned them. Nice Pete finds his wardrobe full to bursting with the nametagged shirts of lonely gas station attendants. Luckily, the no-fuss white wifebeater happens to be the undergarment of choice for same, much to his satisfaction.

I am too friendly to give you the chubbies you rightfully deserve, sncether. But you deserve them.

Depends if you get blood on them.

The study abroad trip to New Jersey is considered among most public and private institutions to be the most prestigious and educational experience a young man or woman can have during college.

No, that's Spring Break in Ft Lauderdale.

I'm coming in late but I do see that I must refrain from being lame.... refrain from being lame. Dang. Last night my mom saw my Lyle button and said 'aw, how cute'..I swear! I kinda like my Chucks a little wrecked, but just a little. Aw, "number two", is that lame?

great verisimilitude by using chum when referring to chet. Bonus points for including Iola.

Thanks for expanding my vocabulary.

lame this comment for great justice!!

Spite chubby!

Where did Achewood go! <seems to be inaccessible here in Oz>

It's Thanksgiving holiday in America. How about an, "I'm thankful for Achewood"?

If Onstad was Canadian this wouldn't be happening now! Take that, America.

If Onstad was Canadian, this comic wouldn't be as funny. Seriously, what have you guys given us since Kids In The Hall?

MSTRKRFT

Well, I was only referring to the comedic arts. If you want to look at the broad spectrum of what Canada has offered us, Leonard Cohen has written the finest songs that will ever be written by anyone from anywhere. But he's not funny.

jazz police

Yeah, I guess Jazz Police is pretty funny. But not in a good way. Every song except for that, I mean. Well, and his two most recent albums. Whatever. Dude's, like, 80 and he basically just recently got ridiculous. Some people (lookin' at you, Dylan) were shitty by the time they were in their 40's.

William Shatner is the gift that keeps on giving.

trailer park boys

What is a "crap-face repeater"?

http://orezscu.blogspot.com/2007/11/thanksgiving-appetizers-2007.html

I would have been very confused if any of the many Hardy Boys books I read as a kid came out like this. But then I would of more swiftly became a man.

Today's Blogs

Philippe: Happy Thanksgiving 2007!

Many main Achewood characters have been seen writing in a strip at some point. I think we have yet to see Todd, maybe Molly and probably several others do so as well. I'm interested in Molly particularly. She's not in the strip often enough as it is.

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