Nesting.

Nesting. 10/28/2009 « prev 1st rand curr next »

That Extendo-Beet has never fooled any woman I've been with. It moves around too much, and can wind up on the side.

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Todd is confused.

Oh dammit. That just happened.

I think "growing horror" is closer to what he's feeling right now.

The only thing that should be growing is your respect for our Great Leader.

This would be a swell place for a penis joke.

swell penis.

Don't be indecisive. TELL IT!

WE'RE ALL CONFUSED WTF IS THIS ONSTAD

Speak for yourself...this arc rocks my socks.

Don't worry, the topic won't last long here.

FUCK THE WORLD FUCK THE WORLD FUCK THE WORLD

...series.

No just the world in general. P.S. fuck whoever lamed me, you'll never understand.

I didn't lame you. I'm not in the mood to give lames. I'm too happy about what you're sad about.

I am not au fait with US sports but I am given to understand that the Yankees are cunts

I accept Yankee hatred but I was born into a Yankee family and raised in their not-at-all- to semi- to full-on-glory years. I can't back out now and I don't want to.

As a New Hampshire man I can respect your commitment to a team but fie upon your team of choice.
Although the Red Sox have been cunty themselves of late.

This is true, and I say that un-biasedly. Maybe.

New Hampshire, you say?

That's pretty much all you need to know about U.S. sports, lolsworth. Now, you can walk into any bar in any city in America (save a handful in NYC), shout "the Yankees are cunts!" and instantly have dozens of friends.

It's kind of dick, really, from this side of the "debate." I'm an instant villain because I love the Yankees, but THAT LOVE IS JUST AS LEGITIMATE AS ~~HETEROSEXUAL LOVE~~ LOVE FOR ANY OTHER TEAM.

Yankees fans are not all homosexuals.

Har! Extension of a facebook discussion, for those who came late.

Let me guess this is "you've not lived my life" kind of a deal we got going on here.

No, just trying to win back some support :(

stick with the "you've not lived my life" argument

I can't really say I've had an abnormal or hard one.

cant say you've had a 'hard one', hmm?

correct.

A NICE HARD ONE LOVE EM MOIST

Man, I've never been one to care either way about sports, but when I hear literally THREE different retellings of the game last night in the course of listening to NPR for about thirty minutes while fixing myself coffee and pancakes and generally making myself functional for the outside world, it tends to inflame the ol' anti-American pastime ire, y'know?

Also in those thirty minutes: one (1) story about President Obama attending the return of the bodies of eighteen soldiers and DEA personnel.

So... sports, huh?

Yes. Hundreds of thousands of people die every day. What a shame that we blind ourselves with these senseless diversions instead of thinking about that every minute of every day.

Yeah ironic juxtaposition exactly.

Best of both worlds: Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571

Everybody had a ball (or two)

It was tough to swallow for all.

Baseball is cooler than death. Say it.

As a Mets fan, it a close call.

Salt, meet wound. Wound, salt.
[IMGS OFF]

A little piece of my soul once died while watching that game.

Not piss off, not go to hell, not a good fuck you.

Am I crazy or is this photo badly doctored? It looks like the guy behind the dugout has been severed at the diaphragm by that Cardinal's left fist.

I'm pretty sure that's an accurate picture.

To be more detailed, that picture depicts this moment:

In 2006, in Game 7 of the NLCS, [Yadier] Molina hit a two-run home run in the top of the ninth inning off Aaron Heilman of the New York Mets, giving the Cardinals a 3-1 lead and helping them secure a trip to the 2006 World Series, where they defeated the Detroit Tigers in five games.

You forgot the part where Yadi punched the Mets' bench coach in half. It was raw.

Holy shit no-one outside of the U.S.A, Japan and South Korea gives the slightest crap about baseball honestly "world series" haha

hahahayeahman ur rite

Don't forget Cuba and the Dominican Republic.

Nevertheless, point well taken. How do you feel about the Miss Universe Pageant?

Quote:

How do you feel about the Miss Universe Pageant?

At the risk of being a bit parochial, I think that Earth women are by far the sexiest in the Universe.

What about Eccentrica Gallumbits?

also non-pig fuckers inside these countries don't care too much either

We the Baseball-Loving Pig Fuckers of America (BLPFA) take great offense to this statement. Retract.

You mean Colorado?

Quote:

Holy shit no-one outside of the U.S.A, Japan and South Korea gives the slightest crap about baseball honestly "world series" haha

That thing that you said, it is a new thing that has never been said. Congratulations on saying something new and exciting. Congratulations on being an edgy person with new, interesting things to say.

He's like Dane Cook, but with better grammar.

My apologies. I had been drinking. I actually blushed when I read my comment this morning. I'm not usually rather rude.
*slinks off*

Aww gee, slink on back here man. We all been afflicted by the sauce every once in a while.

To be fair, with the exception of the fact that you omitted ten or so important countries, what you say is basically true. It shouldn't be called that. The problem is that it's so true that it's been said so often that it's become trite. That's all I'm sayin'.

Anyway, from this day forward, let it be known as the North American and Caribbean and Central American and Asian Series.

And also The Italian and Australian and Dutch Sometimes Series(?)

I know they have little movements popping up and that's fantastic, but I'm gonna have to wait to include them until they can beat the average American high school team. Or the average Dominican little league team.

And don't forget that the Dutch team in the WBC was comprised of, like, twenty-nine Arubans and Rick VandenHurk.

Aruba, Aruba, Aruba!

Aruba, Bahama, come on hit a homa?

Dude cool band name

well there's your problem right there. NPR is just awful. it...displeases me.

Yeah, but then the Yankees are overrated anyway. Time for fresh teams in MLB to, quite literally, step up to the plate.
Anyway on the sports tip, Arsenal beat Liverpool 2-1 in the Carling Cup last night with their second team. Life is sweet.

Liverpool is sucking it up MAJORLY. Do they only have one win against Man U? Kinda depressing. On the flip side...Spurs! Am I right?

Actually in retrospect it's funny you call the MLB "not fresh" and then talk about Premier, which has the same 4 teams in the top spot 99% of the time. Hopefully Spurs can rattle some shit this season (or whatever it's called; I'm fairly new to soccer).

Actually It's been all Man U/Chelsea the last 5 years in the top spot (Arsenal last won the Title in the '03-04 season, Liverpool in medieval times), but yeah Spurs and man City are looking good for a Champions League spot this season.
And then there's the North London Derby on Saturday (Wiki it). Imagine a Yankees/Mets game and you're halfway there.

Re: West Ham/Millwall, "Green Street Hooligans"
"So it's like Yankees/ Red Sox?"
"More like Israelis/ Palestinians."

I'm familiar with the Derby, I've been educating myself on soccer (mostly Premier) for the past few months, but I'm thinking I should discretely switch allegiances from Liverpool to Tottenham. I don't have much at stake, since I just got in on this, and I only ever really liked Liverpool because my roommate who introduced me to soccer liked them (GERRAAAAARRRRRD), but Spurs seem more like a genuine club to root for. Like being a Cubs fan or something, and it seems alright considering I'm already a fan of one of the best in baseball ::polishes fingernails on shirt::

Hell, you can like both of them, they both play with great style, and they're not Man U.
English soccer is the best, imo. No diving Spanish or Italian twats, just football.

We can only dream of the day when that kind of skill will be league play here- not in my lifetime, pretty damn sure...
thanks, N.Y. Cosmos, you dildos, for setting U.S. soccer back 30 years.

Yeah, fuck the Cosmos. I can't even root for my own state's team, and damned if I have to root for a team from godforsaken Columbus or Washington, yeesh. (As far as I know the Crew [horrible name] and United are the best...?)

Also, can't watch the Derby if it conflicts with WS Game 3.

If it even lasts that long.

[The admittedly flimsy joke being that the Yankees will simply give up and go home after Burnett unceremoniously implodes tonight.]

[don't you get enough on facebook]

I'm sorry. I'm done. I've just never known an actual fan of that team. It's fascinating.

It's ok, because we won, but seriously, it's actually disconcerting when people, even jokingly, think of me differently because I'm a Yankee fan. Honestly. HONESTLY.

Honestly? I don't know. I'll have to get back to you on that. Maybe it says bad things about me.

No, you're fine. It's the kind of people that drunkenly berated my 9 year old cousin at an October game at Fenway Park and basically pressured him into taking off his Yankee jacket that I'm referring to.

I was probably at that game. I probably threatened to punch your cousin. Is this okay with you?

{ :|

The "Yankees or Red Sox?" question is one of those "Hitler or Stalin?" questions as far as I'm concerned, so leave me out of it.

I love British headlines when they concern the Chelsea team, because my name is Chelsea and I am treated to such sentences as this:
-Chelsea Thrash Bordeaux In Second Gear
-Blackburn manager Sam Allardyce warns Chelsea over swine flu
-Calera outlasts Chelsea in shootout
shoot out

You win!

"Once again, Drogba leads Chelsea to triumph with a massive strike and masterful assist!"

Google Chelsea's star striker, Didier Drogba. I'll bet you swoon.

Torres gets in Chelsea's box!

Fabregas scores again! And Chelsea's now on the floor!

Chelsea's left it wide open....

Chelsea's been played right out of the park!

Chelsea cries into the night, realizing Chelsea has no one to blame but Chelsea for a deluge of hilarious football/skank metaphors

There is no way that Chelsea is recovering from this one!

And after 90 minutes of play and half an hours extra time, Chelsea's completed drained and totally defenceless!

Goes to show what even one Rohypnol pill can do for ya Tom!

-Chelsea is very nice and considerate.

I don't think I'm playing this game correctly.

I am on Punishment side of the tree.

Concurred. First arc I've given a shit about since the Vlad show.

Shh, Onstad's on a creative trip. Or chasing the fucking dragon like a damn madman.

This is radness.

[IMGS OFF]

Well done sir.

F-f-f-frickin awesome Ham! Your best yet!
Chubbies x %u221E

A Puffin book.

I came here HOPING someone would have made this. Thank you.

An angelic choir just burst out into a single, glorious note in my head. They sang: "God!"

And so you are.

Did...did Kim Jong-Il just become a character that we can RELATE TO?

Why yes Hamscout, this is indeed the Radness.

surely you would not imply the girth of our glorious leader needs enhancement.

OH NO YOU DI'INNN!

Although the "Stro-Nax Triple-Thin Condoms w/Lifelike Extendo-Beet(tm) head insert"s sound considerably less sophisticated.

The insert is made from a chunk of carved, dried sugar beet rather than high quality latex.

During straitened times (all the time) North Koreans have been known to soak and then eat the extendo-beet rather than use it for its intended purpose.

(obligatory mega nasty/dogshit comment)

explain.

Behold.

what what?

Wo Wo?

Pisse im Arsch

Good Lord. Putting that thing on wouldn't do much for the mood. Or indeed a gentleman's ability to get his rocks off.

The alt text paints quite a picture.

But, even if it stayed in place, it would just sit over the bell-end, blocking all the sexy from reaching the pleasure receptors of the brain and firing off shag impulses in the fuckin' cortex.

there is probably an extra insert you can put in the extension first that goes between the end of the penis and the base of the extension that provides a realistic sensation. If you didn't purchase the extra insert, you can use the eviscerated organs of any available hamster.

you can also double or even triple stack the extensions for added effect. you just have to tape on the extra extensions with electrical tape so that they don't come off.

Perfect for people like AIU who have premature ejaculation issues, then.

huge slam on AIU's sexual health out of nowhere

no no, I'm proud of my rapidfire ejaculation. I work hard at it. I'm going for a number of world records in this category.

I came twice in the time it took me to read your sentence and a third time while writing this one. You got nothin'.

dude romance times happen under the cover in the dark and she'll never know

Thank you, I had curiosity about this, but lacked the fortitude to research the matter on my own.

I think it is for length. Alt Text implies that girth enhancement is a malfunction.

Or was this merely a cryptic attempt at the "girth post."

Not girth, just length. Girth is one area where the extendo-beet, despite all its advantages, falls short.

Sorry hipjiverobot, I was first in remedying the dearth of girth mirth.

I can't decide if that was intentional or not, but I shall err on the side of chubby.

Can't decide if the rhyming of three extremely unlikely words was intentional?

Certainly "dearth" is a <em>very</em> unlikely word...

Assbar's delightful threading has muddled my sentiment: I was actually replying to hipjiverobot, not Captain Spaulding. [thinking aloud] Although it seems redundant, maybe blockquoting is the answer here.

Think too much you do. Feel you must.

ho don't need it. dude is hung like a hockey puck.

*he
fuck

I thought it was merely part of your charming urban slang. Like referring to a friend as a "bro," or a woman's child-bearing mechanism as a "squish mitten."

first post two

Most things are neither gay nor shit, let alone gay and shit.

I think I could successfully argue that most things are shit. But speaking of arguments, is UNICEF a charity or not?

I'm a charity

I made a donation last night.

ZING!

landshark.

It's a pernicious commie front organisation that hands out free abortions and firecrackers is what it is!

Quote:

free abortions and firecrackers

'80sMarketingGuyQuote:

Strong potential for synergy here. How about 'TwatCrackers.' Celebrate freedom from your fetus. You've lost your cherry, but a cherry-bomb can renew your maiden figure.

I think homosexuals would take offense at being called not gay

moof, your tantrum reeks of premeditation.

do you take everything at face value or

"ignore user"

(note: This was directed at Moof. Darn you assetbar, we shall meet again, fist shaking, etc)

FaW18tt3th post.

actually I made the first post of this strip in the comments of the previous strip. I can't prove it, but it's true. I extrapolated the URL of the image because assetbar wasn't rendering it, was giving just [invalid].

http://achewood.com/comic.php?date=10282009

lmao

you could not first post a webcomic picture thread so you did it on the previous page. you actually did this

I saw it but it doesn't count.

I love how glorious Leader Kim Jong Il is giving Todd Todd Todd Todd Todd T. Squirrel a Count To Three.

>LOOK WEST

THERE IS A LEADER

>BUGGER THAT LEADER

THAT LEADER IS ULTRAVIOLET THUNDER

I think you're a little late to that party.

I think you'll find that one can only come too early to that party.

Correct. I wan-ah dammit.

i-er-uh...

Something about a pahty plattah?

I WAS IN A COFFIN WITH A DEAD GUY!

gee, thanks, Ghandi.

Worth the wait.

Not really very lifelike then is it?

Man, Kim Jong-Il is always waiting patiently for the negative attitude of his people to pass. Doesn't he deserve some alone time to light a few candles and make his framed portrait lay some sweet smooches on the framed portrait of Lita Ford?

All the man wants is a little dignity; all he requires in return is complete fealty and unswerving belief in his divinity.

philophebe, your naivety about the most noble intentions of our glorious leader, first son of jor-el, savior of worlds, with regards to todd's body's holes is adorable.

i culdnt fink o wat 2 type. i been so busy i m growin up yall. hadnt writ pome in like month or 2, first time n ma life i cant get enough free time to play teh game i wana play (jus came out. its teh sequel to teh best 1 ever i m pissed i canna play so mush o it) an anyways jus feelin heck o ennui alla time sad faces suntines but mostly i walk 'round wit teh horizontal mouth :| hecka not carin abot shit. anyways das ma current realitie update 4 yall 2 long 2 tweet so i dint an i did it here btw call ur moms she lubs u very much

GladQuote:

ennui

Wait 'til you're in your '40s, you'll have buckets of the stuff lyin' 'round.

but later ennui felt better.

sous le pont Mirabeau
coule la Seine
et nos amours
faut'il qu'il m'en souvienne
La joie vennait toujours
appres la peine

Quote:

Berg�re � tour Eiffel le troupeau des ponts b�le ce matin

Impressive: two incidents of pathetic fallacy in one line.

French the way only a Pollock could write it.

Anymore and I shall be driven insane

You need a boat for that?

You could swim in Seine instead.

lol

My mother "lubs" me not at all, you sick bastard.

I love you, gladi8orrex

He is the Ginsberg of Assetbar.

Seconded.

Thirded, but I very much doubt Gladys is down with the NAMBLA thing like Ginsberg was.

Or as fascinated with the three dark hairs on the wen of his mother's left breast.

Glad we're all wondering when the spoken word album "drops."

Oh god, for some reason thinking of William Shatner's efforts.

Like Glad, I'll be spending a lot more time with Uncharted 2.
Now, this doesn't mean I don't love you anymore, assetbar...it just means that I really really need to play with Uncharted 2's ruuude titties right now.

Glad he isn't, this fancy snippet of prose makes us suppose.
Perhaps last year, when all seemed more clear to the author
he should have took notes for himself not to gloat over but to keep his fragile youth afloat.

The worst thing is not being able to type with an actual kybard.

"Teh horizontal mouth"
Author: Peter Schaffer
year of publication: 1978
Synopsis: From the author of "The Royal hunt of the sun" "Equus" and "Amadeus" comes this deliberative masterpiece. Moghul courtier Mafooz Andrabad contemplates the effects of colonialism and cultural relativism as he strives to complete the lavish jeweled headress (the titular horizontal mouth) according to the orders of Emporer Jahan. Schaffer creates a mesmerising thoutscape in which the hidden desires and repressed feelings of subjegation errupt when confronted with the catalyst of the menaing of Art and western identity. This timeless classic......

Above post:

riddled with spelling errors.

FixedQuote:

Schaffer creates a murmuring throatscrape in which the hidden desires and repressed feelings of subjugated Europe rend comfort from the cataclysmic menacing Art of western identity.

100 meters, while most sanitary, is a long ass way to walk each time you need to use the bathroom. I'd compromise at 50 meters. Even with Todd.

I'd compromise with 3 meters of vertical drop to the latrine site. Even Todd can't accidentally piss 10 feet in the air, and when you're on a mountain the horizontal distance tends to be much less than 100 metres.

Best place of latrine? There is not this idea.

At least we know he has good taste in women, if nothing else.

[x] disagreement box

I knew you were a man of low mind but I didn't think you'd go so far as to dis Lita Ford.

whoa. just because i dont want to suck on her titties doesnt mean im insulting her. i mean, if thats the case, im insulting you, as well.

My titties are neither here nor there. They do not need your approval. We do not need your approval.

i KNEW you had small ones.....

Ahh The Runaways, teenaged girls in lingere masquerading as a band. An idea before its time.

Achewood has gone doublepost-punk politikxperimental.
I love my life today.

Okay, if no one is going to say it, I will. I don't understand why the Korean Magical Real Text Adventure gives a c:\> prompt when it's totally not lookin' to receive DOS commands.

Where-ever there is Dear Leader, even machines learn the virtues of Juche.

It true, all of it! If you don't believe me, refer to the liner notes to Give Me Convenience or Give Me Death (which these strips are coming more and more to resemble).

Ahh, the wilderness. Where men are men! Roughing it with a buddy, just you and him and a guitar and 36 condoms.

For quite a while now, Chris has been talking about feeling limited by the comics medium. I think these recent strips are prime evidence of his desire to start doing other things, like book design. These are still comic strips, but just BARELY.

I really like it, it's like heck, if you're that bored, why NOT create a whole different medium of artistic expression? Fuck it, you know?

I agree. He has the capability to become a latter day Wodehouse, (Who, BTW, his wife confided in me is one of his main heros when we spoke at the GOF signing.), but you can't half bake that kind of recipe. You have to dive all the way in and innovate the precise form or format of media that will bring your chuckles to the crowd. Chris, we need the funny! How he's going to do it is something that even he doesn't fully grasp yet, I don't think. But he can be assured of one thing: the core fans are 100% down with his game no matter what.

Right?!

RIGHT! although i have been questioning the endings of [which i think have been the most disappointing to me in the last few] arcs i am loving the asthetic of the korean magical realism... and i think that Chris is on the brink of something... we will get that "ah ha!" moment from this arc on way or another.

Lately the arcs have had a lot of promise & a lousy follow-through. (Come on the last cartilage head one was awful)

This arc reverses that trend. Awful build-up with an excellent follow-through so far. I'm excited.

I thought the Cartilage Head ending was fantastic! But yeah, the build-up for this one was like "oh my god, this is painful".

P.G. Wodehouse?

Little is it known that Adolf Hitler was in fact not a genocidal tyrant, but merely the world's most dedicated practical joker.

I would call Godwin's Law, but instead you can reflect on how misguided a comment that was.

They didnt have none of anyone's airs, either.

Too soon.

Wozzek - Your apparent erudition is given lie to by such comments. For a bona fide non-troll, you descend to act the provocateur.

Leave the trolling to the experts.

I suppose we now see what manner of mensch you are. Good day!

Oh the cheek! Good day to you sir!

[url}http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/a4/Holocaust123.JPG[/url)
So please, educate me as to when they realised Hitler wasn't joking?

Your inability to follow the briefest of narratives is matched only by your incompetence regarding assetbarcode.

PS - It takes a lot of stones for one who reads Milk and Cheese to put on such a little song-and-dance of being a sensitive little flower of humanity. Perhaps a vomit gag would have been more to your liking.

This thread is a desperate attempt at shock humor that played its hand too early by mentioning Hitler in the first sentence. Since nobody was discussing Hitler or anything related, one rolled one's eyes instantly and thought "This guy is about to trivialize the Holocaust. But maybe, if we're lucky, he'll introduce some twist halfway through the joke that we're honestly not expecting."

Wozzeck, of course, did not bring such pain to the party. However, Fresco, seeing an opportunity, cleverly jumped in and provided the twist that all of us needed in order to feel satisfied by the joke, thus snatching up all of the chubbies all of us were possibly going to give Wozzeck if he had anything funny to say. Those chubbies have been taken and are no longer available.

The thread as a whole reminds me of the Milk and Cheese comic strip you mention: adolescent shock humor that struck me as far, far funnier in the nineties, with an occasional unexpected laugh maybe halfway through sometimes.

Good day.

Good Lord man, who taught you reading comprehension, a gander of geese?

First and foremost, it is gallows humor, not shock humor, and unlike the latter, it builds character. That is, assuming one is not too much of a pompous ass to grasp at it.

Secondly, Fresco, whom you so eagerly fellate for all and sundry, merely echoed my original pun, not that I have any issue with that. I myself chubbied him, discretely.

Thirdly, and for God's sake I hope finally, the connection between, "I really like it, it's like heck, if you're that bored, why NOT create a whole different medium of artistic expression? Fuck it, you know?", and my original response to it should hardly require the penning of another Dan Brown novel before the shouts of, "Eureka!" ensue.

For your paltry efforts I wish you not a good day, sir.

dammit as soon as you said that ur mom called and said she wouldnt be coming over 2night, i guess im NOT gonna have a good day

A gander is a male goose.

And please don't try to claim that was an intentional joke on your part.

without looking it up, is the right term gaggle of geese?

how many hits would google return on gaggle of geese if mockereo did google gaggle of geese?

Nice.

Apropos of the foregoing:http://wondermark.com/566/

That is wonderful.

God! Bless! Malki!

I always thought the collective term for geese was flock or skein.

I read lots of things, one of which was Milk & Cheese back in the day; you shouldn't seek to preclude that because you see a Milk icon, that is the only facet to my personality/psyche - would you prefer I mention quotes from the Iliad or the Odyssey, Shakespeare, Sun Tzu or even Bill Hicks? Humour is of course completely subjective but your original comment smacked of clumsy irony, especially given the dangerous subject matter that you chose. Perhaps you need to practice your material and your delivery, so you have the substance to back up the 'pompous arse' routine you're trying to perfect.
If you require a rather tall stepladder to climb down from on top of the high horse you are sitting on, I can Fedex one to you at short notice.
Indifferent day to you, Sir.

preclude

Wozzeck, the Car Of Pain taxi service has arrived to take you to school.
It has vomit over the rear seats as per your requirements.
Will you accept the lift Sir? Sir?

okay, how about this, instead of 2D strips, 3D. Instead of printing it out on paper, acting it out.
And costumes. With Magical Realism.

Glorious Ranger, Ultraviolet Thunders wishes he could quit you.

I'm actually enjoying this arc much more than all the other recent ones

Today was a bit weak, though, only because not as much has happened; I'm hoping something comes of Todd's punishment.

Oh yeah, not much has happened, except for THE REVOLUTION OF ART AS WE KNOW IT!!

Bah, that happened last comic.

Rather, the comic before that one.

Touche.

Grinding and Leaching with Ultraviolet Thunder

the glorious leader has the hotts for todd

heard it here first! new york times! december twenny seventh!

a red Fender Stratocaster? gross.

i know, right?

it's like, who invited mcfly?

I bet he loves Yngwie Malmsteen too.

FUCK Yngwie Malmsteen.

Yeah, it makes the condoms all that much more terrible

I get the feeling Kim Yong Il has been planning this breakaway for a while. As soon as he saw Todd, he thought - this squirrel have acorn knowledge very useful for startup phase.

...not to mention squirrel also real tight butthole.

Quote:

squirrel also real tight butthole

Not a squirrel that's been in prison more times than the neck tattoo fairy.

There's still physical considerations... even the loosest squirrel on the block is unlikely to have a butthole larger than his own chest cavity.

He'd be wearing Todd like a dick cosy. Wait...doesn't Todd die by being impaled?
get out of my head image

[IMGS OFF]

get out of my head head

get out of my head digital Graucho

Groucho even.

Quote:

digital Graucho

Sounds like a curmudgeonly reissue of a Steely Dan classic.

Double Chubby with a cherry on top for the 'Dan reference.
Hope your spangled leather poncho and your elevator shoes have worn the years well.

The 'Dan?

[IMGS OFF]

No, the' Dan:
[IMGS OFF]

holy shit you scared the bejesus out of me when I scrolled down and saw THAT picture.

Stand down red alert Mr Convers...

And by THAT picture I meant Ashder*n, not Steely Dan.

Whoa, I was just scrolling through and I stopped dead here because I thought I saw an asherdan comment...

If he did - he'd turn inside out whenever he sneezed.

depends on how much meth he's smoked, i'd say.

North Korean magical realism is BORING

I'm waiting patiently for your negative attitude to pass.

How did Kim Jong Il fit in Todd's van?

Electrons are small and flexible. Kind of like other things in this strip...

Quote:

small and flexible. Kind of like other things in this strip...

... like narrative consistency, relative quality, etc.

I'd bet money North Korea is using this arc as propaganda.

Todd ain't wearin' no Stro-Nax Triple-Thin gunny sack!

Yeah! F-f-fucker better take his dick pills!

now im going to make some tea

"Guys! Guys! theirateturk's making some tea! Guys? Where are you? Wait... whats this void? why is everything dark? AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE"

Rod Sterling: A Man driven mad by lonliness. he has the most important news in the world. But no-one to listen, no-one to tell it to. No-one to care. Humanity drifts by like an unappetising canape in the cosmic buffet. Sample the prawn cocktail. The secret ingredient? THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

Chubby for you.

Quote:

Even unto this present hour we both hunger, and thirst, and are naked, and are buffeted

1 Corinthians 4:11

Quote:

and the people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals

1 Grail, Scene 22

OK. Yes. That is good.

I suppose it upsets you to know that I am your superior, both socially and intellectually, and that is why you attempt to bring me down a level. I suppose I'd do the same thing in your position :)

Superior?

An overweight guy who gambles and doesn't brush his teeth for the ADA-recommended duration?

No wonder you wake up alone.

And only fags drink tea.

Quote:

only fags drink tea

Not true. I have a mouthful of Earl Grey as I type this.

I'm just finishing a mug of PG Tips. I've got that lovely warm belly feeling that results from drinking a not-too-hot tea very fast. I had some fruit cake with it.

Permission to wave the Union Jack briskly to the refrain of Pomp & Circumstance, in response to that cosy image.

Rumor has it that Rod Stewart knows well that "warm belly feeling" that results from having some fruit cake.

Didn't know he duetted with Elton John...

dave and mick, as well.....

MOUTHFUL OF HOT CUM LOL

I thought Earl Grey was in the can.

That's Prince Albert . Of course that joke has a new meaning . . .

You won't ever get a job working for the FBI's profiling unit, friendo

You appear keen to project your own failure onto others; for some perspective, my score on Crossfit's Cindy is 26 rounds in 20 minutes, with a round comprising 5 Pullups, 10 Pushups and 15 Squats.

Quote:

for some perspective, my score on Crossfit's Cindy is 26 rounds in 20 minutes, with a round comprising 5 Pullups, 10 Pushups and 15 Squats.

TranslatedQuote:

I have a small penis.

Yes I do.

And I suck cocks - lots of 'em.

u mad?

Firstly I don't see how you can tell you're socially and intellectual...

Oh whats the use! He's rumbled me, i'm so pathetic, a bloo, why is , bloo bloo, life so a bloo hardabloo bloo blooh

A BLOO blah BLOO BLOOO BLOOO blah BLOOO BLOO

The cat is crying because he has been insulted and confused.

None of your minutes is precious.

The great thing about the strip is you dont need to care about North Korea to enjoy it. And the great thing about Assetbar is you dont need to care about theirateturk's morning routine.

I love 95% of the work he does, but I just cannot find myself getting into this arc.

I'm sure I am not alone, but then again I don't care what everyone thinks nor do I need to bolster my opinion through strength in numbers.

I'm glad you guys enjoy it, but I'd much prefer for it to end and to see something different.

u dont give a shit abot my opinion? well fuck u toop idc abot ur shit aopinian neither.

dis shit pisses me off

Your gimmick is the worst.

it's better than a god damned :=\ face for an avatar all the time.

I'm sorry. I have no creativity or imagination.

sorry isn't good enough. If you're truly sorry, I want you to kill yourself. then post a link to the video.

I hope YouTube is Zombie friendly, then.

it's not a gimmick, he's from some 3rd world country and that is what he really thinks amerika is like

There is a difference between "gimmick" and "style." Underneath Glad's apparent insouciance is, in fact, a subversive wit.

Your shtick (being an unmitigated asshole) is a gimmick.

The irate turk once posted a picture of himself holding a rose in his mouth on assestbar as a mea culpa.

I don't care if it wasn't actually him, the boy is rude.

Fuck you fineoakstructure

shut up fag

exclaims the maestro completing his last push up in record time!

The Orphans sing! The Lovers embrace! The music swells! The screen fades! The curtain falls to rapturous applause.

shut up fag

the irate turk is being pretty reasonable, guys.

I...I've been agreeing with the irate turk a lot these days.

When did you first notice this irregularity?

While drinking, of course.

Quote:

I just cannot find myself getting into this arc.

[IMGS OFF]

Turk's thought process:

13:07 - wake up

13:08 - Jerk off to Lands End Kids catalog

13:12 - accidentally jizz on cat. Waste precious minute waiting for cat to sleep, then wake it up, then jizz on it again

13:15 - go to the toilet and urinate. Urine has blood in it - likely from kick to kidneys by goat I was trying to fuck

13:16 - brush teeth

13:17 - weigh self; surprised not to have lost weight but GAINED weight. I am a fat slob!!

13:20 - sit besides main computer, load achewood, look forward to my only positive human interaction for the week.

13:20:01 - Realize that I am a miserable loser that is not worth the the cost of the adult diapers I shit in.

now im going to make some tea

*snork out loud*

*snorky out loud*
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[IMGS OFF]

WHO'S PLAYING A DANG RED STRAT DAAAAAAAAAAAAANG ITTTT

My buddy Johnny and the Fender Benders used to play a candy apple red one, God rest his soul. He was mostly a telecaster man.
I had a 64 sunburst go through my hands back then, along with several other classics.

Sunbursts are the ultimate Strat color. A surf-type pastel green was cool In The Day but I think most of my age group associates that with Billie Joe Armstrong now.

For the record, I had a deep blue (Squier Affinity, used, $100, sitting under my bed).

I think I sold the strat for that after putting some good keys on it.

I won't get diddly for this thing, so I figure I'll just hang onto it, maybe mod it if I ever have the cash. My main ~~hatchet~~ axe is an Epi Dot.

Round my house, it's all PRS and Gibson LP Customs. God damn.

Y'all some guitar nerds.

I don't have any money. So.

This is a pretty good text parser, it can understand slang, profanity and colloquialisms, even through a speech impedement

R.I.P. Chuck Biscuits

chuck biscuits, cerealogist. i defy anyone to watch this video and not love that man. R.I.P. indeed.

Or not? What the fuck, internet? Could there possibly be a more obscure celebrity death hoax?

Hey guys I just realized something this is a webcomic in English that is on the internet which means that many of the people posting on this board could be from a country that is not yours and you do not even realize it. Like there are some people like heccibiggs and i_love_kate who we are all aware are British and woodenteeth is Australian but I don't really know the geographic makeup of most of the people on here. Wouldn't it be weird if for example I, an American, went through all the comments I've chubbied and found that most of the people I've been chubbying have been from the UK and most of the people I've been laming were American? That would be depressing. There's so little we know about each other and there's so much that happens behind the screen that makes us who we are. You may be having a violent disagreement with someone whose father beats his mother just like yours does or you may think "Wow this girl has jokes" and it turns out she's been living in a bubble her whole life. But in the main back to the British thing, in fact, hell, there's so many differences in the English language even within the U.S. or even in the same state. How many times have you had an intense argument with someone on this board over something and what if it turned out the source of your disagreement could be that your cultures teach you that the same word means different things? Yeah there's those rare moments where someone uses a stand-out word like "lorry" and you're like "Oh okay that person's British" and you go about your merry way or if I suddenly said something was wiggedy wack and you remember "Oh yeah falseprophet is black" or for the more racist racists among you you might log in and say "That nigger falseprophet has been posting here I can smell his nigger skin on the screen WOOGIE BOOGIE NIGGER STAY OFF MY WIFE" who then proceeds to tell everyone he is a girl in his posts and his avatar is the mother of two who has gone crazy in the basement. I am sure this doesn't make any sense I am tired and I just got home from work and here in DC it is 1:30 AM and I'm not drunk I'm just feeling a little pseudo-philosophical right now...

You're right, cobber.
I mainly lame New Zealanders, probably because they always beat us at the important sports.
On the other hand, I'm neutral about you yanks because you only excel at marginal sports. (We won't talk about Australian Rules, ok?)

You name your males Clive. What's up with that, Clive?

I'm afraid Clive Owen is a Brit. We sometimes name our males Leslie, but more frequently name them something like Baz, Smithy, Macca, Bluey, Mick, or indeed even Wazza.

Oh and Errol.

Errol Flynn is the original man. Don't disrespect.

Yeah, no wuckers. I don't even lame New Zealanders because they gave us Peter Jackson, Sticky Filth, Sam Neil, Bruno Lawrence, John Clarke, Flight of the Conchords, and Rusty Crowe... actually I might start laming Kiwis because of that.

Also one of the greatest bands of all time, The Clean.

woodenteeth is canaduian

yeah you are on to something there falseprophet. You should read about complexity, you'd enjoy it.

Canaduian? I'm from Canadu? Is that next door to Xanadu? Do we wear twenty year old moth eaten skin tight velvet instead of highly flexible, metallic lyrca.

Just messin wid ya listerine. I'm from Orstraya.

My daughter just got back from there and N.Z. She brought an empty cigarette pack ( she doesn't smoke, just for horror value) with a graphic of a bleeding brain and a statistic about smoking and strokes.
It's great!

p.s. She really liked y'all until it was time to go.
All the Aussies from her flatmate to the bank to the jerks at Virgin Blue crapped on her and ripped her off her last week.

flatmate, if you're reading this, that $85 rent deposit is your ticket to hell, bitch.

We are all convicts after all.

Where are your convictions, then? WHERE ARE THEY, Sirrah?

London, about 1785.

i will never cease in my lamings of serbians

They know what they did

((also, everyone better to stay off of my wife))

Nah, the Serbs are okay. It's the damned Albanians that are always stirring up trouble.

For the life of me, I can't remember that goofy movie Peter Falk was in with Stoneface Reeves, but I read your comment in his (Falk's) voice.

* I looked it up. He's Pedro Carmichael, alright, no doubt about that.

I'd expect that from the irate turk but not from you. Actually I'd expect a denial there was ever a people called the Albanians let alone a genocide of them that never happened what are you talking about? from the irate turk,

Watch this movie, knucklehead.
Tune in Tomorrow
I thought I gave enough references to that quote.

Besides, you're thinking of the Armenians.

I stand corrected.

The Turks also massacred the bulgarians in the nineteenth century. At them moment their go-to victims are the Kurds.

Ah nationalism! All the negative effects of alcoholism, with few of the benefits.

By Vampire Weekend.

Was it maybe A Goofy Movie?

It was SO Goofy, it was the Goofiest until you are ever getting.

You lost me at the font.
gawdblimee guv'ner stone the crows apples n' pears tit for tat blimey i'ts brass monkeys ahtside 'ow am I gonna drive me lorry to pick up the nutty slack to take it to docks etc.
As you can tell I'm part Maltese.

Blimey, I've left my purse in my duffel in the boot of my lorry OY OY OY

I am with you dude. Appreciate the rant.

Molly! Where ya been!? I thought you died!

man

use some paragraph breaks plz

and the n word is never classy

you'll never be a classy lady

why do people have to say "n word" in the place of nigger? just how exactly is one different from the other?

and what happens if I call a black person "n word?"

As in, I literally say to a black person:

"You GOD DAMNED N WORD"

what happens if I use the phrase "n word" in place of the word nigger? That would just fuck everything up I suppose.

maybe you just want to let someone else know that you don't think it's cool what they done, and you yourself don't like saying the word. That's all the difference is man, don't make it fancy on me.

"Nigger" and "n word" both refer to the exact same concept. I can understand someone not wanting to say "nigger," but at the same time, it's completely fucking stupid to come up with some code word so as to be able to say the word without actually saying the word and/or so as to be able to say the word while simultaneously voicing disapproval of the word. This is completely fucking stupid because to do so gives the word all the more power and distinctiveness.

By way of analogy, how fucking sweet would it be for a company with an interest in a brand name or trade mark if every time anyone wanted to use the name outside of it's intended context or without it's exactly intended meaning, people instead used a code word, e.g. "The V" instead of "Velcro" or "S Tape" instead of "Scotch Tape." If people did that, companies would never have to worry about dilution of their brand name, or about it loosing it's distinctiveness or it's impact.

Apparently you haven't had any G lately!

I don't know what that means but fuck you

Don't you mean F you?

???? Goat? Does it mean Goat? Are you implying I'm a G Fer?

F U U GD G F-er

GATORADE. Look at a bottle of Gatorade. It's just called "G" now. Although your conscience is obviously guilty about Fing something...

Colloquially reduced to FUDGER, causing confusion in some communities.

Or maybe just have your pretentious head shoved up your pretentious ass.

comment/avatar discord!!!! if I ever saw it folks!

A little off the tracks on the racist stuff. (methinks you may have some (un)repressed issues there).

Racists rants are (thankfully) rare here (particularly in relation to the balance of the internet). I think that the demographic of this comic is somewhat skewed toward brighter and/or more educated folk. The puerile racism that one sees on most boards is the product of pig-fucking ignorance and a need to rhetorically put others down in an effort to make yourself feel (marginally) better.

We don't need an ethnic boogey man 'cause we got theirateturk.

I know that James Watson's recent comments somewhat conflict with my thesis. He is the exception that proves the rule.

So! You think there's some kind of correlation between how well-educated a person is and how bright their skin tone is?!

Can anyone spell hipocryte.

Quote:

pig-fucking ignorance

no I'm pretty sure that there are some republican voters on this board.

Hey now.

I'm not joking. Anyone who even considers voting republican is pig-fucking ignorant.

Now no one can claim to be ignorant of pick-fucking:

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http://i37.tinypic.com/b87cqb.jpg
http://www.makinbacon.com/mb_title-img.gif

[img] NOT [url] LAME LAME LAME me to death, I deserve it!

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[IMGS OFF]

Somewhere in time, Lita Ford is quaking with relevancy.

Someone, somewhere, knows who she is.

Most red-blooded males over the age of thirty (and some blue-blooded ones) know who she is. At least from her posters if not her music.

Chris is FINALLY learning how to announce the new strips.

[IMGS OFF]

holy shit, the most discussed topic ever on touamb.com is assetbar. touamb.com stats

i don't know about ever, but we were temporarily popular ovair, yep-yep.

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