I think the Venture Bros. reference is the only non-lame thing you have said.

You have raped assetbar. Even after putting you on the ignore list, it was clear that your damage could not be undone. Half a screen full of faded grey lines saying a post made by poing has been ignored. I hope you are proud of yourself, poing, you have violated assetbar in a way that not even asherdan or retardo could, you are now reigning monarch of the douchebag kingdom.

I have a very sensitive pointer-finger, so yes...working the mouse wheel does cause me significant discomfort. What's more, I have 3rd-stage late-onset ipso-facto carpal tunnel syndrome (or AIDS, for short), so using the actual scroll bar is simply out of the quest...oh...the arrow keys work, too. Never mind.

And our good friends, Page Up and Page Down.

Not to mention my first, second and third wives, Home, End and Ctrl F, respectively.

Have you met my creepy uncle, reading comprehension? The scroll wheel has already been mentioned!

Have you met my amnesiac grandmother, additional specifications? I was referring to the additional function of the scroll wheel where you click it and it transforms your mouse into a hub of scrolling! I feel this has not been covered.

[IMGS OFF]

i figured out like 2 weeks ago that there is rarely anything in this asset bar worth reading anyway. my comment here, for example: Stop reading it and get on with your life.

oh yeah he's probably right (scroll, scroll, scroll)

Ah. Remember Retardo? Those callow days when quoting the comic was not a excommunicable offense, when the worst thing you could do on the board was to constantly call Onstad gay (in a terribly unfunny way). Those were simpler times.

It's amazing how complete anonymity tends to bring out the jackasses from the more fetid and mildewed corners of the internets.

From what?

> Ignore Poing
I'm sorry, I don't know how to ignore a poing.

> Ignore user poing.
Poing ignored.

Man, don't you hate it when a decent text game is spoiled by an over-finicky parser?

Also, I do not feel that I get the Complete Assetbar Experience when I'm ignoring users, y'know?
Like every time I see Irreversible, I'm tempted to skip that horrible, horrible rape scene...but then the movie would lose almost all meaning.
So that's what you are, poing, socks and the rest of you. The human (?) equivalents of the rape scene in Irreversible.

then it would not be named after a traditional intoxicant and instead be something made up

oh isn't this just fucking adorable

Man I haven't used my Lame allotment up ever, yet I use my Chubbies up on every strip. I need to work on becoming a more judgemental person.

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

Please note: I did not actually reduce my rating of the strip.

Reminding an Acheworlder that you have the capacity to lower the score is in itself offensive, similar to pointing out to Christians that the Bible can be burned.

Dear Assetbar,

Why don't I have spam marking privileges? I've been a very good boy this year, and I passed the spam/not spam certification test.

If you let me mark spam, I promise I won't complain about your horrible character support anymore.

XOXOXO
--Blindspot

Here. Try it out on me. This is a dummy-post, it won't hurt anyone.

THE INTERNET IS NOT PERFORMANCE ART, SHITCOCK.

You have ruined everyting Poing. There will be no Cape Canaveral for anybody.

poing, you're doin' you're own thing. That's cool, that's cool.

This is like a solid column of bullshit, like the Romans would have built, but of bullshittery. It stays regular to the eye for several solid seconds of scrolling. It scrapes the heavenly vaults above, it does. Were you to stand on this mountainous pillar of bullshit, you could turn your head and stare into the surprised and somewhat bemused eye of God.

Lo, and the Lord would say unto thee, WHAT IS THAT STENCH

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO GET UP HERE

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

And the LORD spake unto Poing, "WHY WOULD THOU EVEN DOEST SUCH A THING MY CHILD I MEAN WHY WOULD THOU EVEN DOEST THAT"

GOD has logged off at 9.25 pm
-Nietzsche

What I liked, here, was watching the flood of lames slow to a stream and then a trickle as Poing, taking too long in the commentary-shower, used up all the lames in the hot lame tank. I have a suspicion it's because he got a chubby at some point in there.

It is an unfair thing that your lame allotment is much bigger than your chubby allotment. Assetbar wants to turn us all into pretentious hipsters, choking our positivity to death with checkered scarves and high-fidelity headphone cords.

YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

YES WE CAN!

Alright, which one of you wise-guys broke the poing?

# look east
THERE IS A BLANK WALL

# east
WITH A CRY OF "RAP MUSIC, MY DROOGS!" YOU HURL YOURSELF, AIRBORNE, INTO THE WALL. YOUR CONTORTED BODY SLOWLY SLIDES DOWN PAST THE BASEBOARD.

and the banned played on.

see what i did there?

I do. This whole page is a bit like a ball of confusion.

See what I did there?

# down

YOU HAVE CLIMBED DOWN INTO THE SEWER KNOWN AS 'ASSETBAR'. IT IS DARK. YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE SPAMMED BY A POING.

The CousinTed Text adventure v.1.0

You are cousinted. You are currently in your room. There is a computer to the north. There is a door to the south. There is a large assortment of useless junk piled to the west.

# look junk

The junk is primarily composed of old clothes and papers, it seems impossible to find anything useful amongst them. Your bed may or may not be in there somewhere, it's hard to tell.

# look computer

The computer is currently on. Firefox is open and set to the Achewood homepage. There is a comic strip about a Philippe text adventure. Most amusing.

# use computer

You use the computer. You click on the strip and go to the comments page.

# leave comment

You decide to leave a comment. What sort should you leave?

# Make esoteric reference

You decide to go with your old standby and make an esoteric reference to a song from several decades ago.

# refresh page

You refresh the page. Your comment has gotten five chubbies.

Congratulations, you have just beaten the Cousinted text adventure. your final score was 1 out of a possible 1.

The Boredom Man Text Adventure, ver.1.0

You are Boredom Man. You are sitting on the tan couch in your living room. Goodness is curled up on the couch next to you. The green couch is across from you; Lefty is curled up on it. Between the couches is a coffee table containing a dictionary, a novel, a biography, and your seventh margarita of the evening. There are closed doors to the east and south. There are open doorways to the north and west.

#inventory

You have:
ennui
a laptop

#get up off the couch

You can see no reason whatsoever to get up off the couch.

#drink margarita

There's a big fucking surprise. You can now see even less reason to get up off the couch.

#use computer

What do you want to use the computer to do?

#insult poing

You cannot see a Poing in the computer.

#unignore poing

You are no longer ignoring the Poing.

#insult poing

Poing says, "You already told me that you were ignoring me! You epic fail teh win! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

#status

You are feeling rather trolled.

The Spiny Norman Text Escapade, v. 2.0.1

You spiny, confused, and over eighteen feet long and you weigh close to fourteen tons. Judging from this, Dinsdale's spleen is in rare form today.

# look area

You are next to Southwark Cathedral.

# say Dinsdale

Dinsdale is not here.

# glare

# vanish

You are at the Barbican Art Gallery.

# say Dinsdale

Dinsdale is not here.

# glare

# vanish

Now there was a man who knew how to treat a female-impersonator.

The Tipist Text Adventure, v.1.3

You are an average man. You have an average wife who lives with you in your average house. You have an average job. You are neither happy, nor sad, about your current life status.

#Check Achewood
You check Achewood, your favorite webcomic, and notice that it has been updated with a new comic about text adventures. You are elated by this news.

#Read comments
You read the comments on the new strip. Your happiness fades as you scroll through comment after comment of spam left by Poing.

#Ignore Poing
You ignore Poing. Your monitor is no longer cluttered, unlike your bedroom.

#Leave comment
You leave a comment that references achewood's beginning, as well as the current strip. You are pleased with yourself, and hope others find your comment to be in good taste.

#Sleep
You go to sleep, dreaming of the chubbies you hope your comment will receive throughout the night.

#Wake
You wake up, refreshed.

#Check Achewood
The new strip from last night is still there.

#Check comments
500 INTERNAL ERROR
You are furious. You skipped breakfast so you could check on your comment, and are unable to do so. Poing is surely to blame for this.

#Attack Poing
There is no Poing here.

#PsychicAttack Poing
You close your eyes and concentrate as hard as you can, focusing on causing physical harm to Poing.

#Sex wife
You attempt to have sex with your wife. She is not attracted to your bloody nose. That must have happened when you attempted a PsychicAttack. You are depressed.

FAIL

GAME OVER

You completed 0 of 27 tasks.

# Look Boredom_Man room

There are two couches of different colors across from each other.

# Why the hell does he have two couches across from each other

I'm sorry, I do not understand.

The Thorfinn Text Adventure, v. 4.2.0

inventory:
pipe
lighter
empty baggie

#watch How High?

Something isn't right, Method Man and Redman just aren't as funny as usual today

#call guy

There is no answer, guy is not here

#call guy on phone

There is no answer, guy on phone is not here

#phone call guy

I do not know how to phone call guy

#use phone guy

you call your guy on the phone

#say guy I need a henry

Your guy says he is dry

#say guy Do you know who has some?

Your guy says the whole town is dry

#get up

You get up off the couch

#go to kitchen

You walk to the kitchen

#open drawer

you open the kitchen drawer, there are many utensils

#get knife

You take a knife from the drawer

#use knife pipe

You scrape the inside of the pipe with the knife, some resin flakes off into the bowl

#use lighter pipe

You smoke the resin flakes that you scraped from the side of the bowl, it tastes terrible, but you don't care at this point

#go to couch

You walk back to the couch and sit down

#watch How High?

Benjamin Franklin built the Liberty Bong, that is some hilarious shit.

The fallow_fields text adventure v2.1

You are fallow_fields. You are in an office.
There are office workers milling around you.
To the north is a water cooler. To the south is the bathroom.
East of you is a door. To the west is a coffee machine.
There is a computer in the middle of the room, and a clock on the wall

#inventory

you have a skewed sense of reality and some raisins

# eat raisins

you cannot do that at this time

# throw raisins

you throw the raisins at your co-workers. they get annoyed but do not notice that it was you throwing them (score: 10/128)

#throw raisins

you are out of raisins

# look computer

you look at the computer. your work is on the screen.

# use computer

you try to do some work, but you only succeed in further exploring the internet (score: 15/128)

# get coffee

you get some coffee (score 20/128)

# check time

it's 10:30. you've been here 2 hours (score: 30/128)

# go outside

you go outside and smoke a cigarette. (score: 35/128)

#leave

you cannot leave. you still have 6 more hours to work. you go back inside and sit at your computer

# use computer

You manage to do one hour of work before checking boingboing for the 100th time this week (score: 43/128)

# use bathroom

You go to use the bathroom, as much out of boredom as necessity. You grab another cup on your way back to your desk, so you have an excuse to go again soon. (score: 53/128)

# quit job

You go to Thorfinn's place and get blazed. You spend the evening watching Youtube videos (score: 100/128)

The Falseprophet Text Adventure v. 1.04

You are Falseprophet. You are in your parent's basement. There is a computer to the north. There are stairs to the west. There is a bookshelf to the east.

#look bookshelf

There are books here that you have read in your innocent youth and your not-so-innocent college days, books that you read and dissected for symbolism and to mine the skills of writers who came before you. You remember that promise you made to that friend who died that someday you would become an amazing writer who became the first black man to write a science fiction and fantasy novel that wins the National Book Award, PEN/Faulkner, Pulitzer, Hugo, and Nebula Awards all in the same damn year. You have many story ideas that could get published if you would only.

#look computer

The program Firefox is opened to the Achewood homepage.

#use computer

You go to the computer and leave a comment on Achewood. What sort of comment should you leave?

# short,sweet

You want to write something short and sweet, but you have EGO in your inventory. You cannot write short and sweet comments while EGO is in your inventory.

# long,Roast Beef

You try to write like Roast Beef. You get half chubbies and half lames. You are a divider not a unificater. Barack Obama does not pick you for his running mate.

# open Microsoft Word

You open Microsoft Word.

#write Great American Novel.

Memories of your douchebag thesis advisor verbally shitting on your novel fill your mind. You remember all of his unhelpful, pissant comments that sound like a high-school student complaining about not wanting to do a book report. You realize he is a toilet bowl that smokes a cigar.

#maximize Firefox.

You return to Firefox. Your Roast Beef comment has more lames and chubbies. You wonder where your thesis advisor would stand.

#Write new comment.

You write another comment. It gets some chubbies and no lames. This is how you spend your time. These are the fruits of your supposed literary talents.

# go west

You go west. There are stairs.

#climb stairs.

You are in the kitchen. To the north is your parents' liquor.

#drink

You are drunk.

#drink

You are drunk.

#drink

Yousa drunk

#drink

Mothafucka

#drink

Get yo hand outta my pocket

You have failed the Falseprophet Text Adventure. Your final score was 6 out of a possible 6 pints.

-Copyright 1983 Chris Onstad-

Point. Not Point.

Stop yelling at meeeeeee

Roast Beef's philosophical Tetris of Doom
Ray Getting syphilis in Oregon Trail
Lyle importing Urine Cop from Japan

# south
A drum machine manual lies in the southeast corner.

#southeast
You stand on the manual. Teodor is frustrated with you.

what you'll find on level three:
a box of trail mix
a snake riding a motorcycle

# Read tipist comment

You read the comment.

# laugh

You laugh at the comment.

# give tipist comment chubby

You have given out enough chubbies on this page, friendly.

LEVEL 2:

# start
YOU ARE IN CORNELIUS' STUDY FACING NORTH. THERE IS A DESK IN FRONT OF YOU AND A GLOBE OF THE WORLD BY THE WALL TO THE WEST. CABINETS LINE THE WALLS ON THE WEST AND SOUTH. AN OLD DRUM SITS DISCARDED ON THE FLOOR, A GAPING HOLE SHOWING THROUGH BOTH SIDES OF ITS AGE-MOTTLED SKIN.

# look desk
IT IS A LARGE, EXPENSIVE-LOOKING MAHOGANY WRITING DESK WITH THREE DRAWERS ON THE LEFT SIDE. ITS SURFACE IS WHOLLY BARE BUT FOR A BOTTLE OF CORRECTION FLUID AND AN ISSUE OF THE ECONOMIST OPEN TO AN ARTICLE ABOUT LEVON TER-PETROSSIAN.

# read article
THE ARTICLE CONTAINS FEW ILLUSTRATIONS OF BOATS AND DOES NOT HOLD YOUR INTEREST.

# look in drawers
THE DRAWERS ARE LOCKED; YOU CANNOT OPEN THEM WITHOUT A KEY.

# look key
YOU DO NOT HAVE A KEY.

# find key darnit
YOU EXAMINE YOUR SURROUNDINGS IN AN EFFORT TO FIND THE KEY TO CORNELIUS%u2019 DESK DRAWERS. YOU SOON SEE A BRASS KEYRING STICKING OUT OF ONE OF THE WESTERN WALL CABINETS, TWO KEYS DANGLING FROM IT.

#take key
YOU ARE FIVE. YOU CANNOT REACH THE KEY IN THE HIGH CABINET.

#climb globe
YOU CLAMBER UP THE GLOBE STAND AND STRAIN TO REACH THE KEYS. PLACING A HIND LEG ON THE GLOBE AND KICKING OFF, YOU MANAGE TO LEAP AND SEIZE THEM FROM THE CABINET BEFORE CRASHING TO THE GROUND. YOU ARE MORE SHAKEN THAN HURT.

#open drawer
WHICH DRAWER DO YOU WANT TO OPEN?

# open top drawer
YOU OPEN THE TOP DRAWER. THERE IS SOME PAPERWORK, A CANISTER OF FINE DARJEELING, AND A COPY OF BREAST ATTACK ON FUCK MOUNTAIN.

#open middle drawer
THERE ARE ASSORTED MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS INSIDE. A WELL-OILED 1946 CONN TRUMPET SITS IN FRONT OF A FRENCH HORN, A WAD OF CASH STICKING OUT OF THE MAIN HORN AREA, WHICH APPEARS TO BE CRUSHED.

#look cash
YOU COUNT THE CASH AND IT COMES OUT TO A SIX HUNDO EVEN.

#take cash
YOU DO NOT HAVE THIS THOUGHT. THIS IS A FALSE IDEA.

#open bottom drawer
INSIDE IS A LOVELY COPY OF THAT GREATEST OF ILLLUMINATED MANUSCRIPTS, THE BOOK OF KELLS.

#read book
THE BOOK HAS SEVERAL IMAGES THAT MIGHT ALMOST REPRESENT BOATS, IF YOU SQUINT HARD ENOUGH. YOU WISH THE DRAWINGS WERE LESS ABSTRACT SO THAT YOU CAN IMAGINE MORE BOATS IN THE FUTURE.

#take correction fluid
CORRECTION FLUID TAKEN.

#draw boats
YOU PROCEED TO ENHANCE THE COLORFUL YET UNINSPIRED LINES OF THE BOOK OF KELLS BY TRACING OVER JUST THE RIGHT CURVES, WHORLS AND ARCHES WITH THE CORRECTION FLUID SO THAT OUT OF CHAOS APPEARS AN EIGHTEENTH-CENTURY COASTAL SCHOONER. ISN%u2019T THAT SO MUCH BETTER?

#yes
HI!

[OBJECTIVE 1 COMPLETE. YOU ARE A SPECIAL BOY.]

My first taste of the bbcode dog food of shame. It tastes worse than I even imagined.

[IMGS OFF]

[IMGS OFF]

It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue assaulted by a foulmouthed squirrel, high on cocaine and stagnant rainwater.

I hate how any group of anything (superheroes, puppies, etc.) in movies and on tv have to have the one token girl (unless the show is about girls, in which case it is most likely to be unwatchable and contain the phrase "OH EM GEE *random boy* IS SO HOTT!" at least once), and only one, as if they cannot think of more that one personality type for any given girl.
UGH!