Philippe's Birthday.

Philippe's Birthday. 08/20/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

The boys pulled this little gift together in about ten seconds of planning, not including finding the blanket.

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Ray in Panel 4 was an analogy of me the morning after my recent birthday, when a friend brought a bottle of cheap-ass tequila and I don't seem to know where my limits are.

There may have also been a panel 5, but there was no panel 6.

Either people hate me here or people hate mention of outside comics.

I asked you that because I recognized your avatar from the xkcd forums and the xkcd joke.

The top of the page is a major battleground, and some people truly hate xkcd around here, if history says anything.

Can I dub you Assetbars closest thing to Philippe. You're so cute!

Don't get all worked up by the Lamers. It just doesn't matter. Really. Try mentioning Questionable Content. Woo boy, that was a lamestorm. I have my threshold at 50 for lames, mainly 'cause I don't want no one editing what I see.

Oh man, that's why you are Assetbar's Philippe!

Also, some questions you'll just never get the answer to. Very rare is it that someone says, "hey why did this get lamed?" and they get an answer directly from the lamer. Inexplicable lames happen, just the way it goes. I'd wager that -because a couple of times you've mentioned getting seemingly unfounded lames- some people are just doing it to get a reaction out of you.

'

I pass this apostrophe to you AssetPhilippe by way of recompense. Oh, no rivalry as far as I know. Just a number of people here don't like XKCD.

Just like a number of people don't like Marmite.

Penny Arcade

my hideous visage

streever who is a ghost who makes obscure webcomic references

Unless he was referencing this

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2006/04/10/

I'm chubbing this, but I refuse to say why!

IT IS NOT ACHEWOOD

I think for a lot of people, Achewood is just a relief because it's unpretentious. A lot of, or probably most, webcomics are extremely pretentious. Or because Achewood is well done or because it's consistently funny or actually surprising. Or, I mean, it's funny to say this but it's completely understandable, because Achewood's got class.

I'm not saying it justifies the lames, but that's probably why. It's like, why you gotta be bringin' all this shit I really don't like into something that for once I like a lot?

You mean it actually makes you upset for someone to mention xkcd? What a ridiculous notion, getting bent out of shape about another webcomic. Why, I never.

Oh achilleselbow look how antagonized you are, over the idea of someone getting bent out of shape for no reason. I pray that one day God will remove feigned anxiety from his plan for you.

Walk the path of righteousness, brethren.

I'm not quite sure, but I think you missed the intended self-parody.

Wut Is Self Perrody L0L

omg wtf u spelt parottie rong!

*party

I LOVE ACHEWOOD

People hate that you keep mentioning getting lamed.

Yes, yes I do.

Thank you.

I like me a frosty I don't seem to know where my limits are on a hot day of work.

There is a group of nuns in Mexico who, for a donation, will pray to lift the donor's tequila hangover.

It requires a special kind of prayer.

Aw, why learn Spanish just to go bug a nun. Let's don't and say we did!

If you happened to speak Latin, you would not have to learn Spanish.

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscripti catapultas habebunt

Quantum ille canis est in fenestra?

lol sic transitg lora to folow up

Agricola puellae pulchrae rosas dat. Cave canum, in nomine patris filiis et spiritu. Per diem. Amo amas amat. Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres, quarum unam incolunt Belgae, aliam Aquitani, tertiam qui ipsorum lingua Celtae, nostra Galli appellantur. Hi omnes lingua, institutis, legibus inter se differunt. Gallos ab Aquitanis Garumna flumen, a Belgis Matrona et Sequana dividit. Horum omnium fortissimi sunt Belgae, propterea quod a cultu atque humanitate provinciae longissime absunt, minimeque ad eos mercatores saepe commeant atque ea quae ad effeminandos animos pertinent important, proximique sunt Germanis, qui trans Rhenum incolunt, quibuscum continenter bellum gerunt. Qua de causa Helvetii quoque reliquos Gallos virtute praecedunt, quod fere cotidianis proeliis cum Germanis contendunt, cum aut suis finibus eos prohibent aut ipsi in eorum finibus bellum gerunt.

I think I'm getting better.

illuc ivi, illud feci.

Heu, modo itera omnia quae mihi nunc nuper narravisti, sed nunc Anglice?

Umm . . .
"Alas! The only journey which to me are newly told, but now English?"

I had trouble.

Romani ite domum.

Romans go home.

Thank you for raising my self-esteem.

The Roman he goes the house?

accusative! accusative!!

Are you accusing me?

insultasne tu miki?

Romanes eunt domus. Silly.

The home go Romans?

[IMGS OFF]

Lifus Brianis?

Now write that out 100 times by sunrise, or I'll chop yer balls off.

So you guys speak LATIN, huh?

Wild!

Correct. I wanna cum.

Yet, he owns the greatest helicopter ever built by a studio special effects department.

Coincidence? Or cause?

I actually didn't realize it until I read the alt-text, but the boys were pulling a "Kermit the Frog Memory Master Challenge" on Philippe.

I just love that Phillipe takes off his hat to pray.

This was almost as good a present as Todd not being on coke.

BUt not quite as funny as his long-ago xmas present.

Nonsense. Ray has wicked sack.

Apparently.

aww. Strips that feature li'l Philippe are pretty much always adorable. I just hope the guys don't end contributing to some kind of crazy religion complex for him down the road.

Most child stars usually do.

Or they go crazy in some way.
(Mike Seever)

What will happen the day after Philippe's birthday?

Brother, you don't want to know.

I really didn't want to know... why did I click? Why....?

Damn...good find.

Why the hell was he at a party Chekov was throwing?

Ellison wrote the script for the original [i]Trek[/]'s most acclaimed episode, "The City on the Edge of Forever".

Which Chekov was not in.

Well. He was a Communist. He cannot have everything.

Also, I own a copy of the Photobook edition version of that Episode. (Nice, frame shots from the show with comic book type voice bubbles)

So, Harlan Ellison is behind Philippe being five! I knew it!

Harlan Ellison is behind everything. Or else, he should be.

He's often behind your mother, I heard.

Some even got on the Mayor!

Whoever lamed your comment was unkind, Kamet. Your comment deserves better than 0 chubbies and 1 lames, and by golly, I'd give it to you if I could.

lol that's what he said lol

No, that position is held by Roald Dahl. Perhaps Harlan Ellison is next in line?

Philippe will stay five [b]FOREVER[/]

FUCK

As long as assetbar inspires fury in the heart of man...Phillipe shall remain...

FIVE

I meant to actually say FUCK

I used to think that since he was perpetually five, it meant that every day was potentially his birthday. However, since Onstad has been consistent with it, it seems that every August 22nd Philippe's age is set back a year just as he is about to turn six.

But today is August 20th.

It's almost his birthday.

Oh. Yeah, I see now.

My birthday is August 21st and if I shared a birthday with Philippe it will mean more than all the Hayden Panettieres and Usain Bolts in the world combined

It's kind of like Daylight Savings Time.

I think that this method will be much healthier in the long run than the Jack Chick tracts.

We need Mr. Onstad to produce and sell Teodor's tracts so that they can be dispersed through-out the world. I'll throw my pennies at that.

Forgive my ignorance but I suppose they should be called [Teodor's Surname] Tracts. I too would throw money at them.

Hehe, Orezcu Tracts

There's an "s" in there somewhere, too.

Crazy bear names.

Okay, I always thought that Teodor was a Spanish name, but I don't think Orezcu is. Is Teodor also a Polish name or something?

Teodor is a Romanian name. So is Orezscu. However I seem to remember Onstad specifying that Teodor was not, in fact, Romanian. It is a mystery.

I figured that he was central European (he's also Jewish).
Romanian is a Romance language, right? And Teodor is Spanish for Theodore too, I think.

Belarus. Oreszcu. Either 2nd-generation or 1.5-generation immigrant.

Lithuanian?

Orezscu is definitely a Romanian name. There isn't even a possibility of it also being Belarussian or Lithuanian, because Romanian is the only Romance language in that whole region. Either Onstad has his Eastern European geography mixed up, or he just doesn't care.

Almost no mention of "Orezscu" on Google when I minused "Achewood" and "teodor".

"Teodor" is Romanian and Polish. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teodor
IT is Spanish too, but no famous people have that name.
http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Theodore

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

There. It's official: his family moved countries, it happens. Now everybody shut up.

I think that's also the official line on why Beef is both Greek and Catholic.

He's Catholic?

yay! I have knowledge

Think the idea is that T�odor's family made its way from Romania to Belarus to the U.S.

His mommy would be so excited that he had something in the human body named after him (the Orezscu tract), until she saw that he actually just writes pamphlets. But just imagine how proud Mrs. Henle must have been whenever people said to her, "Henle? Like the loop in my nephrons? WHOAH!"

One of the guys' more memorable presents to phillipe was a fuckin solid punch in the guts. Just be glad they don't have lyle jump on his head from off of a bookcase.

Is that Beef's nervousness blanket?

I thought it was obvious that they were just trying to build his esteem by making him believe he did something good. And it could be a tie-in with the Chick tracts and set up for some hilarious hijinx involving an uber-religious Phillipe damning members of the Achewood world.

You're not going to find that pot of comedy peanuts with "non denominational secular humanism." It would not be funny to trick Phillipe into subscribing to the Humanist, or writing the forwards to Issac Asimov's science books.

[IMGS OFF]

Very nice, good ol' philosophy of technology

Please tell me you just wrote all this on the fly while making the gif.

Da. I'm finishing off my science fiction-related thesis, and I've TA'd an sf class or two, so this sort of stuff just dribbles out of me constantly these days. Friends feign interest for a minute, then suddenly need to fetch another beer, despite theirs being two-thirds full.

Ferris Bueller, you're my hero.

Leeloo Dallas moolti-pass!

Waste? Sorry I Got. Nothin.

This man dribbles awesome. Imagine what comes out when he tries! :O

You're doing holy work with SF, bless you, my brother.

I would actually like to read that.

God I wish I had an army of robots with chubbying privileges...

I WANT CHUBBU, GIVE ME CHUBBU

You volunteering? Very well. Chubby them. Chubby them all to hell.

I have a hand cranked cast-iron spong brand coffee grinder, congratulations on your name.

That sums up well my feelings on Contrasoma's asset right now.

So damn pro.

I am honored to have given this fine piece of work its 25th chubby. Congratulations. You've earned it.

WINK!

I have to admit, having him wink for the 'foundational' pun was quite brilliant.

I said it before an I'll say it again.

I hate bicentenial man.

"What is this thing called"love'?

I hate you, Chris Columbus. (Even though Asimov wrote the book)
(I still like you, Robin Williams).

Hot damn.
Good thing you're on our side.

This is fantastic, not because of any intellectual properties it may contain, but because the images change exactly in time for me to have read them.

Also you reminded me of Cory Doctorow, whom I have been intending to read the work of for quite some time but keep forgetting to.

Contrasoma has restored my faith in assetbar and its cronies.
Hell of tubby, yo.

Seriously, awesome work. You're the man now, dogg.

How sweetly condescending of you.

Fuck off, it was a compliment. Because contrasoma is cleverer than the rest of us put together. What I said was in no way condescending.

But this comment is.

AND MY AXE!

...too soon?

I could totally argue the points of this essay (I tend to disagree about "the limits of human progress" being just a question of bandwidth, since the scientific stuff I do is all about the limits of, like, computation in general). Except I can't possibly argue with Philippe, especially the "WINK!" and "Yaaay! Done!"

I think that there are a vast number of people out there with simple and strong Christian beliefs that God actually listens and responds, and don't hate you if you like another dude rockin' your can. While in its extremist form this would more commonly result in them being a little weird, annoyingly pious and evangelism-happy, and most likely a bit of a space cadet - chances are he'll be harmless. It takes a special kind of nutcase to be a Fred Phelps.

Especially when, clearly, he's focusing on the wrong things:

God Hates Figs

God Hates Bags

God Hates Shrimp

God Hates Everyone Except For Us

If it comes up anymore, the Figs one is the best; they really did their homework for that one. The others are so-so.

Quote:

Leviticus 11:9-12 says:
9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.
10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:
11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.
12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

This is what I always found hilarious about the Bible. It reads like the King of All Cosmos from Katamari Damacy doing an ad for "Head On: Apply directly to forehead".

Abomination: apply directly to unclean animals
Abomination: apply directly to unclean animals
Abomination: apply directly to unclean animals
Abomination: apply directly to unclean animals

Does that mean we can't eat anything but fish? Basically? Because God should know more than anyone else, you just can't have fish everyday.

No, it means that fish are the only marine life we are allowed to eat. There are other portions of Leviticus that deal with which land animals are OK to eat.

To be honest though, Leviticus was one seriously fussy bastard. It's a good thing the British ignored his rules about eating Owls. Owl smeared with Mayonnaise is delicious in a sandwich.

So shrimp, sushi, crabs, lobster, seaweed, and mussels are blasphemous, to name a few. Fucking Leviticus.

You gotta picture rotten crab sold by greedy Phillistines, I guess.

To Leviticus' defence (almost a fruitless goal), I heard an explanation once as to why shellfish are totally off the menu:

Basically, because shellfish are bottom-feeders. Not normally a problem, except that the Israelites clearly didn't know how to take care of themselves (see "don't eat anything you find already dead", "don't eat pig" because chances are they'd try and eat it raw while wandering in the desert), possibly due to being slaves in a city for so long, and thus had a tendency to defecate in the same river they wash and collect food from.

As a result, God made a scorched-earth policy on all bottom-feeding creatures for the entirety of the Old Testament. He did that sorta thing a lot in the Laws of Moses, but many can be argued as being for similar reasons. Some laws, you kinda struggle with justifying, I'll be honest.

That's just a reasoning I heard once. Take it as you will.

Yeah, a lot of these laws probably came from the original writers eating something that gave them the runs.

Is that not how we all found out what not to eat, though?

Truly, "much is owed to dudes of past times willing to put any old thing in their mouth."

If it weren't for some bastards dying, don't think you'd be eating cashews right now. And I know you're eating cashews.

Myom myom they are salty.

nom nom they are meme-y

I actually am eating cashews.

I hate cashews. I pretty much hate all nuts.

Even deze nuts?

So why not just have a law that says "don't poop in the water?"

Because connecting cause and effect was a little too hard.

Cause and... effect? Do they mix?

No no no... one is somehow related to the other... I think

Take the effect, and make it the cause

You are not taking into account the revolutionary nature of the theory of germs, an idea not of the ancient world.

Germs originated in Germany.

Along with germ (wheat).

Where the FUCK else are you gonna poop and clean your ass? In, and with, the sand? That's my garden, you little bastard; go poop in the Jordan like every other Israelite. For fuck's sake.

What I do not understand is that they did not poop in the Trans-Jordan (IE, the other side, full of philistines and other non Israelite (and thus not real) people)

PS - do not approve, just saying it from their point of view.

Also, if the law instead said "don't poop in the water", 3000 years later Orthodox Jews would be able to eat lobster and molluscs of all kind, but would have to get specially-made toilets.

That makes a hell of a lot of sense. Too bad no one ever gives reasons for anything in the Bible.

I also think these rules are invented partly for the sake of having rules. This is in order to separate the religious off from other people with 'unclean' eating habits, so they dont mix, and to put the religious leaders in a position of authority. When it comes to Kosher or Halal rules, the religious must set up a complete parallel system of food preparation. Deliciously divisive.

That's true.

As Peter Gabriel once said, "How can we be in, if there is no outside?"

Read http://www.paulgraham.com/lies.html

It's long, and you'll get a fair bit in to get the point, but it's worth it.

Yes that's quite a good take on it - and a bit less um, Dawkinsian than my comment.

A day later this comment seems waaay too much like the rebellious 14 year old me. I don't try to get a rise by screaming THERE IS NO GOD at people. Just so you know.
and for ADevotees:
WHERE IS GOD??
THERE IS NO GOD!!
continue

For you to use in any situation you see fit.

yeah shit man, he could pray so much that he turns into fred phelps

Actually he prays so much that he turns into Michael Phelps (in 2012).

He would be praying to Poseidon though.

Michael Phelps has won the perfect number of gold medals, EVER!

14 is the perfect number?

A perfect number is defined as a positive integer which is the sum of its proper positive divisors, that is, the sum of the positive divisors excluding the number itself.

The first perfect number is 6, because 1, 2, and 3 are its proper positive divisors and
1 [plus]* 2 [plus]* 3 = 6.

The next perfect number is 28.
28 = 1 [plus]* 2 [plus]* 4 [plus]* 7 [plus]* 14. This is followed by the perfect numbers 496 and 8128

I guess it is the difference between the perfect number of gold medals and a perfect number of gold medals.

*Due to the innate inability of Assetbar to make a plus sign. Doing math in Assetbar is soooo annoying.

... and according to the sorest-loser-headline-ever (SMH Sydney) apparently it's ALL thanks to his genetic flaw/syndrome. Embarrassing. Considering Thorpe was basically accepted into the X-men just by the look o' him.

But then the US will get in trouble for fielding 5 year old swimmers... Oh no! What will the mayor think!

itsa mee ron jeremy!

10 chubbies and 10 lames. I am an exactly average person.

Next year, for his fifth birthday, Ray and Roast Beef will trick Philippe into thinking that he can make a difference by voting and writing to his congressperson. (As a five-year-old, he'll be ready for more mature and politically-minded birthday tricks than he was when he was five.)

two days until phillipe turns 5!! how fast they grow, its only a year until he turns 5, and then shortly after that he will be 5!

Someone needs to start saving for college.

Its hard not to get a little choked up, thinking back to when he was just 5.

The back end of Ray's body confounds me.

Yeah, he's looking a little bit like the Montauk Monster in panel four there. The Montauk Monster with an uncomfortably pendulous thong.

That is so fake. I never accepted.

Anyone hear about Bigfoot lately, though?

Those guys at Bigfoot Search Inc or whatever it's called probably just saw their share values drop through the floor.

I thought it was fake, too, but from this angle, it looks more like a dog or something.

And Bigfoot was a rubber suit. I consider it the tragedy of my lifetime that they held the press conference in my city when I was out of town.

Thanks for showing me these pictures. Now that I won't be able to get an erection for at least a week, I can make more productive use of my time.

Keep scrolling down, there's poop arranged into a cross shape! Your thesis is gonna get wrote tonight!

Was it arranged into a cross shape, or... created that way?

You should look for a David Foster Wallace short story where a guy eliminates in the form of exquisite little figurines. It was either in 'Girl With Curious Hair' or 'Interviews with Hideaous Men', I think. (Not even positive about the collection titles, but they're close.)

Awesome, now I no longer feel a need to read David Foster Wallace. Thanks for saving me some time.

I read most of the Interviews and I don't remember that one. It seems like something one would remember having read.

It is called "The Suffering Channel," and it can be found in DFW's most recent story collection, Oblivion. It pretty much rules, as long as you can get around what to me is DFW's main problem, which is that he doesn't really ever write endings, but at some point his stories [and novels] just stop.

Usually because he just runs out of Ideas. I have the same issue.

Well I figured it was a dog, but with lots of photoshop and several weeks of salty bloatiness and decomposition.

I would also like to point out that the second picture provides a clear view of its dong. I wouldn't want anyone to miss out.

It was a dead raccoon.

Unmarked helicopters
Hovering
The lord is coming soon
Unmarked helicopters
Hovering
They said it was a ~~weather balloon~~ dead racoon

Oh my God it looks like pork

That is what acrophobia does to a player.

[IMGS OFF]

oh... oh... god.

bleeewwwwrrrgghhhhhhhhhh...

*splat, splat, splat, pant, pant, pant*

COme on! It's not that gross.

I think it would looked good cooked.

Taste good too.

Disturbing, yes; gutwrenching, yes; but still not as horrifyingly soul-destroying as the original. And for this, I am thoroughly thankful.

is he...

is he mixed race?

Yeah is that his sack? As in, his wicked sack?

It appears to be his collective bits, not necessarily just those of a wicked sack variety.

It's his sack, dude.

His sack.

It's a God Reads Your Thoughts Clearlier When You Remove Your Hat to Pray Wednesday!

I love Phillippe's hat.

Sorry, let me indulge myself.

*hugs cute phillippe*.

I hope I don't seem like a 12 year old girl.

I like to think that you didn't know whether to double the "l" or "p" in his name, and thus resolved to play it safe.

Haha. Maybe I'll just refer to him as "Phil" for now on.

Yeah, that won't get you any lames.

you do.....you do...

I always thought God considered the top of a man's head the most unsightly blemish Earth can offer?

Thus, the yarmulke. The ball is in your court, God.

Take it to the Explanation Rim!

I bet it was invented when the head rabbi in some village started going bald and didn't want anyone to know.

I originally interpreted the "head rabbi" as meaning the rabbi for heads. Like how you have patron saints for animals, sailors, etc., this rabbi would specialize in theological discussions of the cranium. Naturally he would invent the yarmulke to save face, because who's going to listen to a man's head-related advice when he can't take care of his own scalp?

Imagine the sunburn bald spots endure!

HOLY CRAP

"Coming soon to the Museum of Modern Art..."

(It's going next to Warhol's silk screens.)

Woah, big slam on MoMA out of nowhere!

Every poop the pope poops is a work of art.

In the woods?

I was waiting for that.

But if the pope makes a piece of modern art in the woods, and no one's around, does it make a sound/smell?

The Pope drops deuces in a wooden room, not the woods. Not knowing this is a sin.

Know your dogma.

Does he courtesy flush?

Or do pope turds smell like roses? (Or whatever dogma-approved sweet-smelling odor the College of Cardinals decrees.)

Are the bears catholics?

(Since we had the whole 'Does the Pope Shit in the Woods')

No, but they respect the pope's opinions.

The week the dog had an intestinal parasite, they did the Red Cross symbol.

Man its strips like these that make me miss having a five year old in my family. they'll straight up believe anything

Looks like Dracula didn't have much money this week

MWA HA HA HA HA

Philippe looks thuggin'.

Aww, he takes off his hat to pray. Gods dammit, I love Philippe.

It wasn't until reading the alt text, that i realized Phillipe didn't have some personal connection with God.

It.... it's been a rough day.

Holla.

Did you hear, they took Gullible out of the dictionary?
But if you pray real hard (while hatless) they will put it back in!

Man, that was the most annoying thing fourth-graders ever came up with, as far as I'm concerned. You'd tell them that you wouldn't look in the dictionary. But then they'd spend five minutes arguing about it with you, trying to convince you that it wasn't really there. So you'd finally get so annoyed that you'd open up a dictionary to get them to leave you alone. Of course they still found it hilarious, and spent the whole day telling you that you were gullible.

Grade school is the pinnacle of evil.

Yea, totally. It's like when people would make shit up and try to get you to believe it, but were too stupid to realize that the whole point of the humor was to get you to believe something ridiculous. Instead they'd just say something completely banal and believable like "hey, Mrs. Sabatino told her first period class that the test was postponed" and when you went "oh, really?" they'd go "NO! HAHA, DUMBASS!"

There really should be a grade school class on what is funny and what isn't.

"Hey Billy, did you know?"
"Know what?"

"Haha, you're stuck with it!"

Apparently if you say "what" you are "stuck with it" and can't talk.
Did any other schools have that?

1) I always fell for that "they took gullible out of the dictionary thing" up until about the age of 11.

2) In terms of weird shit that only your school may have had, did anyone else play "What did you have for breakfast?" as a kid? You and a little friend would walk around holding both hands so you created a circle with your arms, and then you'd pick someone and put your arms over them so they were within your cricle, and in unison you and friend would say "What did you have for breakfast?" and the kid in the circle would go "Toast!" or "Rice Krispies!" or whatever they had for breakfast, and then you would move on.

It seems like a pretty weak premise for a game, admittedly, but it was all the rage when we were about six or seven, and I assumed that all kids in all schools played it until I started talking about it recently and my friends were like "What the fuck is wrong with you."

Anyone?

Nope.

Sounds fun, though.

Coincidentally, at my school we played it by putting the circle around the kid and saying "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Just kidding, I've never heard of such a thing. Sorry.

That's lame; when I was in elementary school we played X-Men. If you went down the slide on the big toy it made you turn into a bad guy.

no, i believe you would like punched for something lame like that.

get*

We had, "Spell 'PIG' backwards and say 'funny colors'."

funny is subjective. just because something is funny to you does not make it funny to others, as you seem to be aware of and yet unaware of in your post

Ok, yes, that's true, but are you honestly taking a stance for grade-school practical-joke humor? "NO, HAHA, DUMBASS" is a valid form of humor, even if elbox doesn't think so? That's kind of. Weird.

No, did I say I was? I didn't say his examples were or weren't funny, I was responding mostly to the part about a class to teach funny.

If achilleselbow said that the sky usually appeared blue but sometimes gray, depending on the weather, jollysaintpete would argue with him and call him a name.

I saw the sky be yellow the other day. No joke.

Oh, uhh... achilleselbow is a schlong. Just for good measure.

It's true.

I here he puts the 'gay' in engayging in heterosexual intercourse.

Funny story. Before I got my citizenship, I had a different last name. Apparently the kids in my middle school thought it sounded rather similar to 'schlong' though really it only shared the first four letters... and the 'n'... and I guess the vowel sound was kind of similar. Anyway, you have no idea how glad I was to start at a new high school with a new last name, thinking I had forever left behind the days of "Alex Schlong".

So, you know, Heccibiggs, thanks. Thanks.

I didn't even call anybody a name? And how can you deny that what I said is true?

Good god I just realized I was sitting here waiting for a reply from tekende. What have I let myself become. You guys enjoy your assetbar, now, okay?

I didn't deny it. I just felt your post was unnecesary given the subject matter and was only made because you hate achilleselbow and wanted to argue with him.

Haha achilleselbow thinks unfunny things aren't funny pass it on.

Guess what?

Permanently gay men secretly like Tough Customer Ham Pockets... that I boned?

No. What?

Homosayswhat?

What?

Oh man!!

achilleselbow got the order wrong!

Chicken Butt!

When I was comin' up it was all

"Hey Lindsay! Say 'fork cue' really fast!"

or

"Hey Lindsay! Look down your shirt and spell 'attic!'"

or

"Hey, Lindsay, are you gay?"

No.

"Do your parents know you're gay?"

... No ...?

"QUEERMO!"

And then I forked them with a cue really fast.

I don't understand the attic one. I'm saying it, but it just sounds like A Teetee I See. Oh wait, teetee=titty, right? Kids! Darndest things!

When I was a kid we just pretended to be dinosaurs and dogs who delivered mail.
well, I did at least.

Chubbied for having a distressingly similar childhood imagination to mine. Apart from the delivering mail part. The only public service my dinosaurs provided was eating third-world dictators.

Take that, Al-Gaddafi!
Eat sickle claw, Idi Amin!
Pew, pew, pew, pew! Hisssss

Oh, I didn't know there names. My fantasies were never that sophisticated. It was more "That black person is acting all high and mighty towards the other black people and they pretend to appreciate it but secretly they don't! Go, Cretaceous Squad!

Iguanodoooooooon thumb strike!"

Oh my sweet messiah complex. Their*

My brother and I, when we were little, used to pretend to be animals! Animals who went to school! I have no idea why this was an appealing game.

Man, it seems like kids just eat it up anytime an animal does anything remotely human. They must, or else explain the popularity of Franklin, the cartoon with the turtle-child who just pretty much bored the shit out of his neighborhood. But it was an ANIMAL neighborhood!

Man ain't nothin better than being a high school student taking a sick day off and watchin Nick Jr. while drunk on DayQuil.

Once your pupils dilate you know you are sick as hell.

Little Bear.

I hated that show.

I hated CatDog, though it didn't actually premier until I was in my later teens, which was no time to be knowing about CatDog.

But Rocko's Modern Life and I go way back.

I love Rocko!

How do you feel about Hey Arnold? I really like that one. You were probably like 10 when it came out.

What I really despise are these new ones, like "Fairy Oddparents". Blagh.

I think it's "Fairly," but maybe I'm just being a dick about terms.

I hated Hey Arnold, but my two younger sisters were big fans. I did like Courage the Cowardly Dog?

How . . .how could you hate Hey Arnold? The character development on that show was superb. The animation was decent, and it wasn't filled with childish sound effects and bad celebrity impersonations.

You're right. It is "Fairly".

I remember watching the originals Courage short on "What a Cartoon!" and liking it a lot. Remember the evil alien chicken? It was nominated for an Oscar for animated short film. I didn't watch the series so much, though.

I only saw Little Bear with my sister, who was five. It was basically Civil War-era bears, if I remember correctly. He had a friend who was human, and they'd go to each other's houses. That was creepy.

On an unrelated note, my games mostly involved bugs. I would either try to befriend the bugs by giving them food, or I'd find tiny objects (buttons, a bit of thread) and pretend that they were snails and worms living together in a bug-topia. I think I was maybe a very strange child.

My little sister really liked it. The girl's name was Emily, and I didn't even have to look it up.

It was just boring.

Don't feel bad, I had a pet Stag beetle named 'Rosemary'.

Ray would probably have ordered a special edition of the dictionary with the word "gullible" removed. I remember in fourth grade they used to call me the "dick"-tionary, which was also a play on my name. But I didn't get the joke back then.

Your last name is ~~Garelli~~ "Tionary?"

My first name starts with "Dik". And ends with some other letters.

wad?

Are you by any chance the smelly kid who used to pinch me when no one was looking?

Naw. Have you ever heard the Swell Maps' "New York"...? Completely unrelated, but it's a great song.

I have not. Because I am actually a sentient penis and I have no ears.

Daaamn! That answer could use some work!

how do you type

Wiv my little penis hands! What a question.

How did you know that who told you we had those?

My friend lent me a book in which the author dicusses the point of avatars, saying "you could be anything you wanted, like an elf or a dragon or a 7-foot-long, giant, talking penis."

That's true for most men, at least when they're around women.

Am I right?

No. No I am not.

Stop sucking up to the woman you are not even sure of the existence of.

Ray and Beef always have the best gift ideas. This strip is actually pretty darn touching.

The blankets are always a welcome sight in Achewood.

Philippe's praying face is intensely devout. He even takes off his cap. Hold on...is this..a PARABLE? Or an allegory for something? Is Ray going to be SAVED?

Oh hold on; it's a golden-hearted grift. I'm an idiot; I don't read the alt text.

This could go all wrong. Philippe may started believing that he has a hot-line to the Almighty now.

Philippe, being not only five but also Philippe, already expects God to respond to his prayers, although not always so immediately.

Beef and Ray's gift isn't the gratification of having one's prayers answered, but that of doing a kind thing for someone else. While Ray may not in fact suffer from a fear of heights, Philippe's happiness makes Ray and Beef in turn happy, so he has done a good deed either way. It is in fact a happy circle.

Agreed. This could turn bad quickly...

SOON...
[IMGS OFF]

Kids' minds are like etch-a-sketches. He'll forget about this after chasing around a leaf blowing in the wind, or whatever he does since he doesn't seem to be let outside much.

Not true. Many a time I have picked up and vigorously shaken and only in a select few cases did they forget what happenned.

Chubbied for chuckles EVEN THOUGH you lost your noun somewhere along the line.

so you're one of those babysitters that gets caught on video violenty shakin a baby?

Who said anything about babysitting?

While he's at it he should wish for immune systems for Rod and Pat.

And Nice Pete to find another hobby...

I could really see that happening with those Chick Tracts he got.

He didn't want any more obscure Muppets merchandise this year?

The whole set-up depended on their faith in phillipe's loving selflessness and generosity. These dudes are both incredible and confident in their child-rearing talents.

Ray still seems oblivious to the fact that a Welsh Ghost blunderbuss'd Little Nephew, but yeah, he's great with kids.

aw this is good staple achewood.

Thus commenced the legend of St. Phillipe the Good, who, at the tender age of five performed his first miracles of piety and faith....

The cat is sensitive to the otter's young ears.

He didn't want to put the sauce in them.

The cat is so scared, he can't even stand up. It is too high a height. What shall he do? [i]What shall he do!?[/i}

(Argh! BBCode strikes again! What purpose can it possible have in His plan for us?)

Sometimes Assetbar is like God in the story of Job, where he just fucks your entire life over to prove a very small point.

honestly, i prefer the idea of a god who just wants to fuck with people to a perfectly benevolent and lawful and serious god. the former, i can understand

Well if you can understand God, you're obviously delusional.

Here is a joke about that sort of God and process theology:

Alvin was a man who owned a bookstore. One day, working in the store, he heard a deep, booming, disembodied voice say "Alvin, I want to sell the store."

He ignored the voice. But it would from time to time repeat the statement. After some days, Alvin finally had had enough and responded to the voice, "Okay, okay I'm selling out." And so he did.

Then the voice said, "Alvin, I want you to take all of these funds and go to Las Vegas."

"What!?"

"Go to Las Vegas, Alvin!"

By now, Alvin was on the ragged edge and without further protest did indeed go to Vegas. He checked into his hotel and the voice said "Alvin, go to the casino in the hotel and play blackjack." Alvin went downstairs. The voice said "Change all of your money from the store into chips." Alvin said "I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Get the chips, Alvin!" Alvin got the chips.

He made his way to the table. He played a few hands, and then the voice said "Alvin, bet all your chips on this hand." Alvin sat there. "Alvin, bet all your chips on this hand."

In doubt of his own sanity, Alvin shakily pushed all of his chips in. The dealer passed him a 10 and an 8. The dealer's card was a 6. The dealer gestured to Alvin. The voice said "Take a card, Alvin."

"But he's showing.."

"TAKE A CARD, ALVIN!"

Slumping, Alvin croaked "Hit me." The dealer called out to the pit boss, "Hitting 18" and passed Alvin an ace. Alvin relaxed.

"Take another card, Alvin!"

"But I have NINETEEN!"

"Alvin, I have not failed you yet. TAKE A CARD!"

Giving up on rationality, Alvin said, "Hit me again."

Another ace. His hand now at 20, the voice said once more "TAKE ANOTHER CARD, ALVIN!" Alvin no longer had any fight in him. He again asked the dealer for a card. Another ace. Twenty-one.

And the voice said "Un-fucking-believeable!"

Hah! That would be Zeus, considering the stories I've heard.

Zeus exactly. If you just remove the "with" from fuck with people.

Thank god I'm not too friendly. Fantastic!

Wait, so the joke is that this god didn't really know what the outcome would be and just wanted to see what would happen?

It, uh, wouldn't be much of a joke unless that were a premise, right?

The joke really did come from a book on philosophy, used there to play with the idea of a non-omnipotent God with the capacity to be surprised.

Just making sure I understood it.

There was a really interesting discussion of theodicy in the New Yorker a couple weeks ago. If you didn't read it, you should check it out.

Simon and Theodore could be dicks sometimes.

You put that back in whatever Cultural Bin you dug it out of.

All the chubbies i can give. this is what i would do if i were god

We're definitely seeing a fight between Teodor and Beef for the boy's (figurative) soul.

I thought my avaticon would get along with yours.

Worst pickup line ever? Or is it the best?

No, I'm pretty sure it's the worst.

"Hey baby, if I said you had a nice avataricon, would you hold it against me?"

*imagines a girl holding an avataricon against tekende*

I just don't see any chubbies happen here!

Hooray for heartwarming strips!

What exactly is heartwarming about a millionaire conning his way out of paying for a five year-old's birthday present?

Hey it's better than punching him in the stomach. Not as funny though.

They probably gave him nice gifts for the first couple birthdays, but after a while, the whole "always turning five"-thing just made them turn on him.

Now, it's more of a contest, where the group (sans-otter) gets together to pitch their ideas for what to do to Phillipe this year...

Come on, he knows the little otter wants to believe in the power of prayer. A little bit of existential meaning is a great gift.

Agreed. The best Christmas present I could ever receive at this point is someone giving me the ability to get as excited about Christmas as I did when I was five.

the electrical outlets are a nice touch

Yeah, but they kind of look like those European outlets that run off a different current.

VOLTAGE

/twitch

DONE DIRT CHEAP

(wait, wrong thread)

ray's balls....so big....

I mean, he is ever upper class high society.

He's Gods gift to ballroom notoriety.

And he's quite thankful for Philippe's piety!

(There are no further rhymes for this word.)

You seem to have missed the point, I'm afraid, and it's too late now. We've come too far.

She told me to come, but I was already there.

Sittin' on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air?

Was she a fast machine? Did she keep her motor clean?

I took a look inside your bedroom door.

I asked you if you wanted any rhythm and love, you said...

Pleased to meet you, I hope you've guessed my name.

Oh, okay, I get it now.

Lock up your daughters, lock up your wife.

There's a loony in town with a bloody old knife.

No further rhymes for society, notoriety, piety?

That's quite a variety!

(And Ray's got the biggest balls of 'em all!)

Dear God: for my birthday, please let me never see Ray's package from that angle again

I really liked beef in this one. he is looking pretty friendly, rather than his usual depression ridden self.

Hi! I'm somewhat new to the strip - I've only read every single one. Call me a greenhorn, but could someone please help me understand where the "joke" is here?

Oh, and I'm not so new that I didn't read the alt-text. So let's not go there, shall we (not)?

You might want to read these from the beginning, it's worth it. This strip relies to heavily on knowing these characters personalities to be one of the first you read. I suppose as a first strip it could just look like a lame family circus type of thing.

mouse over my avatar, kitty

I think the humor comes from "Prayer doesn't work, it is just your friends plotting."

Oh, and "meow, baby."

eurocat sez miao, baby

Saul Bellow has just made this place a whole lot classier, all crackin' wise like he owns half the gin joints in town.

Isn't Mouse Over My Avatar a Betty Grable movie?

Edit: Lawbot responds:- NO.

[IMGS OFF]

ur teh awesome.

also, moons over my hammy

Have a present from a pheasant!

[IMGS OFF]

awww crapper! Beaten to the punch...

[IMGS OFF]

Yours is better.

A-T-T-I-C

2-T-Ts-I-C?

Please.

I quite enjoyed imagining Saul Bellow growling this

*drip, drip, Drop* goes the sarcasm

nobody replies to me anymore except cats, it seems

Meow! ..translation: "Cats intrinsically understand Saul Bellow and his grasp of suffocating orthodoxy"

Please. A cat could never understand the sheer depth of my writings. Like in Mr. Sammler's Planet -- that part about the old professor who is way into arms? Cats wouldn't get that - cat's don't even have arms.

I'm not just some cat ok, I'm the vice president of venture capital lending at catbank.

I don't know what you are, but you remind me of something from a jinkety home-drawn version of Spirited Away.

Do you know what kind of volume I do!? Heh? ..oh sweet Christ please God not today...*hurk*! *grasps little kitty chest with little kitty arm* ...and yeah, Hayao Miyazaki has a bit different style

Are you saying he's like that retarded guy in Kafka on the Shore?

NO! It's nothing like Kafka! I've never done anything resembling >gasp<

>wheeze<

>cough<

Ahem. Nor is Murakami anything like me. He is a Japanese.

Murakami is so frigging great, though.

Wind-Up Bird is still my favorite novel.

I am currently reading it for the second time. It really is great. But Dance Dance Dance and Kafka on the Shore are excellent as well, to the point that I can't really pick a favorite.

Just mash 'em up: Wind-Up Dancin Kafka!

edwell, if you've been holding off for a project worthy of your skill...

As if anyone knows what Kafka looks like, or cares.

Oh yes. His characters' activities are so perfectly conveyed.

holy crap a thread about Murakami and i totally missed it??

me and my hot World Lit teacher read Kafka together senior year. totally loved it. i'm just about halfway through Wind-Up Bird and like tekende said it's just as good.

man i totally dropped the ball on this one.

I guess this beats Todd not doing cocaine as a birthday present... sniff, snaff, snuff!

Phillipe will never get to go to Disneyland.

Yea, I just realized that the only presents he's gotten so far have been a punch in the stomach, Todd pretending not to do cocaine, and being duped into believing that his prayer cured Ray's fictional ailment. Good ideas for any parent trying to raise a child on a budget.

Don't forget [url="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03242005"]Walk-Around Butt[/url] (and pistachios)

Take two

Don't forget Kermit the frog master memory challenge. That was so wacky!

Ray needs a bigger blanket, one that will sufficiently cover his bonch

That is...that is the nicest gift - ever.

God smiles on Ray and Beef today.

I enjoy the fact that Philippe's prayer face looks like a balloon rising towards a sun roof.

i_love_kate: bringing poetry to comic transcription

He took his hat off to pray. Precious lil Phillipe.

He seems to have put his hat on only to serve that purpose in the strip. Precious lil' Chris...

AWWWW!

The little "aw shucks" air punch made me weak in the knees. He's so cute I want to vomit rainbows.

I regret that I'm so friendly I gave out all my chubbies before I got to you.

The world needs more Philippe.

For the record, I didn't lame you (out of spite for spending your chubbies so freely/wastefully).

Be careful what you wish for.

I like Phillipe in panel 1. Every once in a great while he does this particular thing, where he seems to take on the mannerisms of one of the Little Rascals or some other 1930s filmic representation of youth.

They ain't always jippin' Philippe

That would be so wacky

It seems the blanket is a required prop for their birthday shenanigans.

[IMGS OFF]

ATTN: In the last strip, a row of comments were lamed for responding to AIU. I guess Assetbar's personal Anti-Troll Brigade is back in action, even though it never did discourage certain fellow from posting.

Just a heads up to anybody who might feel like taking a different tact or making a funny joke about what's been said: you'll be lamed.

Nope. Annoying people in various, unrelated manners without any attempt at humor, entertainment, or anything besides self-gratification is not performance art. It just isn't. There is no character, and even if there was alreadyinuse wouldn't be interesting or impressive. Just because somebody on a website types something in a manner that they claim to be a "character" unlike themselves (which is almost a third of the posts on AssetBar) doesn't mean that you can put it on a pedestal and call it art.

... or: "Just because no one understands you, doesn't mean you're an artist".

OUT OF LAMES OUT OF LAMES WHY IN GOD'S NAME AM I OUT OF LAMES AT THIS POINT IN TIME?

Performance artist my _ass._ There is no shit so vile that somebody will not immediately run up and try to gild it.

Oh no, dude, look! You have one too!

What does mine say?

You're clear.

SURLY THIS is the TRUTH about when hippos pee.

Don't call me surly.

Oh, little innocent Phillipe. Five going on five.

I think after maybe the third year of throwing someone a birthday party for being 5 I also would quit giving a shit and consider lieing to be a present.

Yes, I think...
I... what?

aperson got distracted by the bouncing boobies and completely lost her train of thought. fattybeaver's avatar tends to do that to people

I thought aperson was a dude? But you can still call at him like he was a lady.

I am, but hang on... you didn't used to be a deformed dalmation.

I am not that now, either. I am a grim reaper walking through swirling autumn leaves. Coincidentally, though, my family has owned deformed dalmatians at various points in time.

Buttercup Festival?

That's the one.

I don't see a grim reaper, either. It looks like some abstract thing that ever so slightly annoys me.

Wow, harsh! Go read some Buttercup Festival and cheer up, Charlie.

Truth be told, I could only make out the Reaper from previous cognitive reference to Buttercup Festival. It does look incoherent to the layman.

I'm trying to think if that matters to me at all, and I keep coming up with, "Nope."

He/she is one of the troll entities I see nearly everywhre now, well, actually, I have most of them on *Ignore User*

As in, Aperson or FattyBeaver? How interesting. I wouldn't have thought either of them warrant it.

And I always assumed Aperson was a lady, due to the picture of a lady on the avatar and the gender merely stating "Hott". No discussion on how gender is not dependent on the sex of the individual and is culturally defined, I know dammit

Aperson. That FattyBeaver can be anything it wants, long them titties keep a-bouncin'!

Hey, I'm no troll. But I would love an insight into the Pogester's line of reasoning. Maybe I was just too annoying. Also, if Pogo thinks I'm a troll, They Have Won.

The irony is that he will never read your response to the accusation.

Assetbar doesn't believe in the due course of justice pass it on

Help me asserbarians - let me stand on your shoulders in the New York subway of public opinion that I may be visible to Pogo, standing all the way along there, at the other end of the platform. Of public opinion.

Umm pogo, aperson would like to know why exactly you think he is a troll and are ignoring him? (this is exactly like TV parents when they fight through one of their children)

"Him"?!

Oh no. Oh, god no.

In other news, I get the feeling that pogo doesn't like me either (he's lamed me a few times. What? I'm not obsessing over my accumulating lames!)

Both pogo and aperson have misleading avatars. You guys have something in common.

Laming you is fun. You get all hissy and ineffectually scratchy like a kitten getting poked.

I only did that once! In the last thread! And I don't care anymore. And if I get all "hissy" then why would I hug you?

*hugs davey-boy*

See, now it's all better.

(I lamed you.)

I did that once, too. We can be friends!
\(^-^)/ Huuugs!

man i'm telling you the lames ain't never gonna stop coming lest ye just never mention them, ever

For example, aperson lamed me on one of my very first Assetposts, and I never brought it up. I've handled it like everyone else:seeing someone professionally, trying to figure out why it happened, how it happened, and how it can be avoided in the future using the proper medication.

Sorry about that, autrepoupee. I don't know how that could have happened, because you. are. rad. Let's not talk of it again.

Ack, it ain't no thing! The only reason I remember is because I think it was the first time I realized I could check who lamed me. Which is a special time in any Assetbaby's life, as our fine friend SJE is finding out now.

It's just so cute watching him grow up right before our eyes. We need to cherish this time well, because before we know it he'll be making photoshops and dropping Flight of the Conchords references, and after every bout of commenting we'll quietly sit there refreshing his early posts as a single tear gently rolls do

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