Mopey Téodor

Mopey Téodor 02/05/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Dude has a thing for a woman in purple Easy Spirits, he don't got to explain

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Bad timing, dude. Our hearts were just broken when Ray had to drop out of the race. Don't remind us. Normally I would say "there comes a time" - but this is not the case. There is never a time for real life politics on Achewood.

Is that an old female?

Yes.

Oh i get it. I was going to make fun of you because the account was obviously created yesterday to make fun of someone else's sock puppet account. But that wasn't the joke, was it? There's something cleverer going on here, right?
(i'm not going to state it because that gets lames from Acheworld, but if you don't get it you're not following politics closely enough right now.)

it's about politics?

I thought he was talking about how nearly every troll on here is an "old, female".

That is very interesting.

I mean, since in the tales pretty much every troll is male.

Or that his [Obama] main opponent is an old female?

I was thinking more that it's ironic because old females almost always support clinton.

i have one word for this string of comments.

wat.

until ann coulter endorsed her, they did. now...no one's sure what's happening.

You can make fun of me if you want. I mean, come on, this is the internet.

I love that your username is sock_puppet. You're not even trying to pretend you're a real user.

He's all: "Dammit! Where am I supposed to get another twenty bucks?"

Like Dracula, he doesn't have much money this week.

See, while I enjoy strips where Beef is happy, my mind cannot help but conjure up the image of a five year old and his french fry and and what happens with too much happiness in this strip. We've been here before, I know, but I worry. I need my lamp.

Unfortunately (for me and a lot of other people) those lamps cost a damn sight more than twenty bucks.

Both!

He's just mopey.

I choose REALLY FUCKING WEIRDED OUT.

As of now, the chubby/lame ratios on these two comments are 2/7, 7/2. Just thought I should record that for posterity. Please preserve the balance, everyone, and have a lovely week.

They are now four to seven, seven to four. Fascinating.

4/8 - 8/4. Synergy anyone?

4/9, 9/4. It's like that post has powers, man.

5/9, 9/5. Someday, someone's going to run out of chubbies or lames. That someone is going to pay.

7 months later - 6/12, 12/6. AMAZING.

Are you reading through the archives for the trillionth time as well? I think this is my 5th time this year already. ><

I'm pretty much random comic-ing. Sometimes I'll follow for a few strips. Sometimes I won't.

I'm starting over (again) today. The strip just never gets old for me, I notice something new every time.

I mean there's COMMENTS that I know by heart now!

[url=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v726/shopmycloset/shopmycloset4/tseasyspirit1.jpg]

Well that didn't work.
better

OH GROSS.

Is that what you buy when you've spent all your money on abortions?

Better, but still not great. You want to use an image tag, not a url tag. This is easy going as photobucket gives you the tag and everything. Observe:

[IMGS OFF]

those are WEDGES!

Correction: those are kinda hot.

I have to slightly agree that they're kinda hot, despite their obvious skankiness and grossness. But then, my wife is 6'2", with myself 5'9", so there's not many instances of heels in my life.

The Tiniest Husband, by Dr. Skradley.

Dr. S Kradley?

Dr S. "K-Rad" Ley?

Nice to see Nodding Ash back, Doc.

Odd as it may seem, I am so used to having nodding Ash as Dr. Skradley's avatar, that I was beginning to picture the good Dr. in a perpetual nodding movement and with the facial features of Bruce "Jesus Christ" Campbell.
I do this, because I am from... the Internet!
Anyway, good to have Ash back, Doc.
Rock over TCp/IP, Rock on XML

those shoes are dogshit meganasty but skanky is a little off the mark.

i mean i can picture a spinster style aunt using those as her church shoes not as her picking up tail at the circle K shoes.

No way, man. Those shoes are so very hipster girl in black three quarter length tights, striped cardigan, huge brown leather "vintage" purse, long faux-60's hair and Edie Sedgewick eyeliner. Just looking at them, I can hear indie dancepop playing in the background.

I see where you are coming from most definitely, but the shoes are part of the ensemble due to their irony value, because they ARE so kitschy aunt.

i speak as an authority:
i listen to magnetic fields and have a modmod haircut

I think they have more of a mod-kitsch value than a kitschy aunt value. They are au courant because they are old, not because they look like they belong to an old person.

I dunno. Maybe I think this because my spinster aunt bought all her shoes at Wal-Mart and they were all flats. When was the last time you saw a spinster in three inch heels?

Better explanation: I overuse the term "skanky". It means whatever I want it to mean, it would seem. This undermines the very essence of linguistic conversation, I know.

I use "creepy" the same way.

Approximately three hours after receiving my most recent paycheck.

Apparently two people think it is lame to have a tall wife.

Double-correction: those are pumps. Pumps are never hot.

Just using the link I was given.

Dang, you're right! A chubby, friend.

I think they're more like this, but purple.
[IMGS OFF]

or perhaps,
[IMGS OFF]

[IMGS OFF]

you need to meet some different hookers, my friend

Old ladies engaging in a hooker-debate. I can't think of a higher calling for the internet.

But wouldn't old hookers engaging in a hooker-debate contain more authenticity?

Heh. Speaking of which, that is sort of an old hooker foot. Pedicure, anyone?

EEEEW! Why did you have to go and call my attention to that, man? Why come?

Oh I don't think it's hooker shoes beef and molly are talking about. Easy Spirits are definitely not hooker shoes. Take a gander, p_mac http://www.easyspirit.com/

And who you calling old, spiny?

Quote:

ethelthefrog
old, Female
Member Status:
Connoisseur
Strips Viewed: 1051
No status, no class.

There's your reason, baby.

Don't call me baby.

I never got such complaints about baby-calling when Ash was all nodding unstoppably in my corner. If I still had my Ash avatar, you'd be begging me to. A shame. Pickles on a parade, for sure.

It was funny when Ash said it.

Pickles on parade indeed. For both of you, mind.

Oh man! It's great on that website how they always refer to the leopardskin color option as "natural."

I like these better
[IMGS OFF]

Shoes before hoes!

Kicks before chicks! (I've given out enough chubbies apparently but I'm chubbying you in my heart.)

[IMGS OFF]
I believe THESE are the ultimate in meganasty shoes

Dammit, where were you yesterday before I used up all my jing? Is she about 4'9" and that's why she's in those purple platform heels? I bet so, but here I am, unable to summon chubby for you.

I don't blame you after seeing those.

Wow. That was hilarious.

*whew

Managed to and out my last one to this monument of whorish glory.

err *hand out

why does it take him three panels to decide that he should leave?

He had to find out what Dracula wanted.

Three panels is considered a correct amount of time to wait for certainty. Three panels is how long it takes to transition from "Oh my that is awkward" to "Dear god I am sickened"

Teodor has never exactly been an ass magnet. It probably took him a while to realize what sex sounds like, even if it is some sort of bizarre fusion of turn-of-the-century literature and blaxploitation jive.

You know, it's weird that Roast Beef is the only cat who is getting him some bitta bitta action these days. Ray has only been seen to sport the fuck-crown about twice, maybe - Cornelius's love interests are all dead, one by natural causes the other by despair and bus - Lyle is a "hole man" and I really would prefer if his mercenary-like romancing of recent transgenders did not count - and while Todd is the Steve Irwin of gonorrhea, he is not the captain of his soul nor the chief petty officer of his libido.

Way to go, Roast Beef. Dump more loads in Molly than a mother of three on laundry day. Only, you know, more romantic-like.

Great summation of the sexual status of each of the main characters.

SHINE THAT LAMP ON THIS SAD, SAD MAN

I'd use that in normal sexual conduct if I didn't think it'd be somehow misconstrued.

Chub for the avatar

Damn you, spinynorman, you have a hell of a way with words.

I notice your username and mine have a lot in common.

yes they do indeed.

Makes me want to create a sock-puppet by the name of "Mrs. Thing", "Mrs. Entity", or "Dino Vercotti".

or Mrs. Premise and Mrs. Conclusion. and don't forget Mrs. Ratbag.

And Phillipe, well...no one has told him of vaginal intercourse, so I guess he's out.

(And yeah, more importantly, he is Five.)

Well, he did strip and do something with Circus Peanut back in the heady days of early Achewood, but if Kinsey is anything to go by this is just simple game play and nothing to worry about.

Circus Peanut is a mix between Ultra Peanut and Circus Penis, I'm guessing. I'd hope his illicit antics were with the former rather than the latter.

Sweet God, how did I not notice that mistake

...

Oh, wait, actually a "Circus Peanut" is a completely real thing. I guess that makes sense? A little?

Only if Phillipe staged a sexual antic with a bag of peanut-shaped marshmallows at some point.

I could see that happening, but only after Phillipe became confused.

Circus Peanut...Circus Peanut...?

[IMGS OFF]
Genetic experiments?

HE... HE WANTS TO SEE WHY HE'S IN PAIN! SHOOT HIM OR I WILL!

Oh dear lord, that is the single creepiest thing I have ever seen in my life, and I must chubby the hell out of it in hopes that it will be satisfied and not approach, leaving me crying in the corner.

Very few things make me laugh out loud, and I just fell out of my goddamn chair. Chubby for you, sir.

Dang. It's too bad that this comment section also contains The Little Comment That Could (odei's "What?")and everyone's splooged their chubbies away, because that...that is both as beautiful and terrible as the Morn.

Yeah, I'm aware I missed the breaker wave of chubbies for this strip, but I was really only motivated by the joy of Photoshop on this one.

see, this is what I mean. You put some thought and effort into your post and only get half as many chubbdoggs as I do. Where's the logic in that?

YOU PEOPLE DISGUST ME.

At this point in the game, the chubs are irrelevant. We have transcended them. Respect becomes currency

Ehhhh, the old Doctor's back!

[IMGS OFF]

Holy christ, the only anagram of "Circus Peanut" is "cut price anus"!

I got to call Ray. He would want to know.

While that would be awesome you are ignoring: A Spruce Tunic, Accuser Input, Carnies Cutup, Truancies Cup, and Unripe Cactus among many, many others.

Cause cunt rip probably being even worse and necessitating the use of a cut price anus for further congress.

Are you...are you the Davinci Code?

No. I do not cause your brain to leak out of the side of your head. At least, not due to my overall terribleness and wholesale rip-off of others' crazy ideas.

The DaVinci Code was done much better when it was the comic "Rex Mundi".

100th chub.

I would have stuck around for a little bit but I am creepy.

That's a hell of a way to combat seasonal affective disorder.

PAGING THE GUY WITH THE SCREAMING PHILLIPE AVATAR

PAGING THAT GUY

Will this do?

NOOOOOOO IT WILL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*cannot breathe for laughing*

Way to be THAT GUY. Hell of histrionics ensue!

Oh my gosh!

oh come on people I'm not even trying anymore.

A picture says a thousand words, and when that picture is of Phillipe screaming, those words are invariably all witty ones.

What can we say, cheap thrills.

You guys are funny!

"Dracula don't got much money this week...?!"

Sounds like a fantasy that Roast Beef can count on...

God... I'm so sorry... {rubs eyes, pours another drink}

Note that Roast Beef's text is discernible from Molly's by its smaller font size, along with the usual lack of punctuation.

...damn, you know, the man even shouts in a mumble

Roast Beef's text was fairly discernable from Molly's by the words that made up the text but I guess if you want to focus on the typeset that that is good as well

Add Dracula to the very large list of things I won't be able to discuss without laughing to myself...

Brilliant.

This is the ultimate reply.

Effing win for the kitty cat.

I'm Raysdangnachos, and I approved this message.

chubbied for Bear and Kitten avatar.

also for excellence.

is there a record for chubbies for one comment? 63 chubbies in 3 hours should make odei eligible for some kind of internet award.

i've been watching this comment from work.. it gains 20-30 chubbies an hour, and the rate only increases with time. the comment is a force unstoppable.

don't you have a job or anything?

based on my experience, he looks to have cribbed the definition of "having a job," verbatim, from Webster's Dictionary.

i am not lying about being at work! just my job is a job provided by my university to help me pay for it. i make sure people don't steal these computers that are bolted in a computer lab. and nobody is ever here. so my "job" mostly involves watching the Samurai trilogy and panning through assetbar. a dude has got to pass the time!

That sounds a little like my job. I work for a government agency and as such spend most of my time doing whatever I want on the internet.

...

THE NSA IS COMBING ASSETBAR EVERYONE DELETE YOUR BOMB PLANS.

OH IF ONLY WE'D KNOWN!! IF ONLY WE COULD *EDIT* THOSE POSTS!

"That sounds a little like my job"

- It still doesn't sound much like a job!

It will be hard pressed to pass the animated Salma Hayek gif.

I think it can, I think it can...

It's the Little Comment That Could.

I'm pushing for it. As much as I like pictures of tits, this is a whole new Thing.

217!

218. This may in fact be the record. Confirm or refute?

I really don't think I've seen higher. No, I'm not going to look.

I've seen two at 226(or possibly more). This may or may not be a failure of my mental muscle.

Refute.

Good Tits: Currently 276.
Garfield's Eyes: Currently 262.

Looks like this one's petering out at around the 230 mark, but still an excellent showing.

Goddamn! It's still climbing! 247 as of 12:54 a.m. CST. I'd say it has a fairly credible chance at second in the very near future.

250 now! Come on, baby!

267! C'mon, one down, Good Tits to go!

GO! GO! GO! GO!

277.

*trumpet fanfare*

291 chubbs as of 5/24/09. Gotta be the highest rated photoshop on assetbar.

Inexplicably, there are three lames. Obviously one was from shades. As if giving a lame would be enough to make one feel OK about being the butt of arguably the most popular joke in the short but storied history of this little corner of the internet. But who were the others? I guess I could check, but I'll just let it go unanswered for now. Whoever you are - for shame.

Anybody have any guesses as to what the most chubbied text-only post might be? I mean, it's obviously something by spinynorman, but does anyone know which one?

These two animated gifs by rational have over 400 each. Salma Hayek's [http://m.assetbar.com/achewood/uua3WkQgf#comment_78]goood tiiits[/url] have nearly as many, of course. wuukiee's Quail Bible and kb's mega-nasty Garfield each have about 350[/url].

As for text-only comments, this one by catachresis must be the record, with 400 chubbies for five words.

Short, pithy comments near the top of the page on early-ish strips that get a lot of views seem to get the most. Some pretty innocuous appraisals of the strip do well, if they're near the top and sum up what the audience is thinking after reading the strip, as do eagle-eyed observations and helpful explanations.

Longer, clever comments can go down well too, though not always as well as they deserve.

spinynorman is obviously an AssetBar Hero, with over 10,000 chubbies, but for some reason his comments don't usually break 100. Maybe it's because they're often anecdotal and only tangentially related to the strip. Or maybe he's just too damn clever for us.

Brought to you by the Chubby Research Institute (Too Much Free Time Department)

BBCode, you dog. You salt my tea.

I applaud your excellent research, sir. This is a fantastic appraisal.

I didn't look around too much because I've made way too many damn comments, but I'd be shocked if I ever broke the 40 chub mark in my career. Not knowing how to make gifs or work photoshop doesn't do me any favors. Making a lot of enemies and having a naturally dry sense of humor probably doesn't help much, either.

Shut assetbar down tbqh imo, this comment will never be topped.

TRYY

My next post is inevitably anti-climatic.

Thanks for the chubbies, everyone, you've made me feel internet famous!

Congratulations

You have won Assetbar

TAKE ME!!! TAKE ME NOW!!!

I think I have enough chubbies for everyone...

So much better than Oasis...

My question is who gave it a lame?

Probably shades did?

Hmm, actually it was sneeeeeeeeeeeze. Whoever that is.

it always weirds me out when people figure that stuff out.

I'm sorry, it always seems wrong when you don't provide an exclamatory comment. Like, "Oh my gosh, how did you figure that stuff out?!!? It's really weird to do that!"

I guess you just set your lame treshold to 1. I've never done it myself, it seems kinda petty. But God help me, I'll do it now if this comment gets lamed.

This is the first time I've done it for that purpose. straw asked and it made me curious so I checked.

There's nothing wrong with curiosity, dogg.

Except for the death that ensues.

Yes, I most certainly did not mean to imply that you are petty, sir. In fact, you are rather RUDE (in the Achewood sense of the word); all yanking junk and telling girls they're cute.

OOOoooOOOooooOOh! ROWBOOOAT!

I did it for science.

Well, OK. There's certainly not enough of THAT around.

Alternate version: Senor Johnny Cash doing his ANGRY REPLY!

I first read that as "Senor Johnny Cash doing his ANGRY PEE-PEE!"

I like that version much better.

Think, just think, about the visuals of angry urination. And tell me you didn't laugh.

Request: granted.
[IMGS OFF]
Not.
[IMGS OFF]

comic

motherfucking

sans

I am stoned. Congratulations. I laughed like a silly girl.

Which is basically what I am.

Where is your avatar from?

yay!

shades you got lamed a PRODIGIOUS amount of times

"If getting lamed was the piano . . . "

Woah, why the lame-hatin'?

Wasn't me, but it was for explaining the joke. That is frowned upon in the Assetbarrio.

Hahah, assetbarrio, what with the chubby-cholos and Jaime the Lame-Fiend

Say, ju prolly wonner why asherdan gets lamed even when his comment is muy bueno! Jaime wonner this too!

Maybe ju an' me are amigos!

chubbied for "assetbarrio". i hope you don't mind if i start using this.

Why thank you!

I am ever so sorry ='(
See! I hope that equal-sign-apostrophe-parenthase combo conveys the amount of sadness in my heart right now. I just assumed it was to be contined, like a "why find out?" lacking a proper reply.
Once again, I have failed.
Achewood, why hast thou forsaken me?!?

Alternatively, slash-slash-period-closeparenthesis conveys a hilarious facsimile of a sad Emo child.

//.(

@-'-,-
bjorntd, will you accept this emoticon rose?
Also, I find this: <(^@^)> to be an adorable little piggy.
Enjoy!

(-_\\

This might be more than I wanted to know about Roast Beef.

He could cut an unnecessary step out of his day, and just leave the pants off entirely.

But then if anyone goes to use his computer, they will want to type through a napkin.

I can't believe I don't actually take a napkin around with me, or some disinfectant. Ew.

That explains my Friday routine perfectly.

IF YOU ONLY DO ONE THING TODAY YOU NEED TO PUT ON SOME GOD DAMNED PANTS

Now I don't know if people are laming you because they agree with you or disagree with you.
Can I chubby and lame the same post?

"lubby"

Chame

results from urbandictionary:

1. chame
9 up, 4 down

n. A horrible fashion blunder

Mrs. Moriarty's pants were the worst case of chame I've seen in my lifetime.

When thinking of chame, a certain panda sweater comes to mind.

1. lubby
4 up, 2 down

Hotass that everyone wants to tap.
a Gangster =)

Dam lubbys growing some muscles.
Wow lubby can kick ass especially rinkles

surprising that both of these definitions have more "thumbs ups" than thumbs downs.

That is perfect and I wish I weren't out of chubbies.

A day that goes by without ever putting on pants is like a book without a front or back cover.

> A day that goes by without ever putting on pants is like a book without a front or back cover.

Or, a victory.

(Or a sick day.)

...in that they both involve reading on the Internet.

I haven't put my pants on in a week. Herpes, you see.

For serious, doggs. I'm all herped up. Or was. Not a good scene. But hey! No pants!

Thing is, He's hung like a cranberry and that bugs some people.

This strip is simple and good like a BLT.

They name Roast Beef's penis "Mister Dracula"?
Heck of surreal.

And he asks her to shine the bright light on it. And light kills vampires. That's seriously messed up. I guess you can take the boy out of circumstances, but you can't take the circumstances out of the boy.

Beef's developing a thing for succulent women.

How do you know?

blast from the past!

Yes, it was. kylemcjuicy has done a clever thing in taking that line and changing a word so that it suits this particular situation.

Molly has a thing for succubus men.

You mean... incubi?

Wow, combining footwear, lamp and vampire fetishes all in one go. That's efficient.

I don't have a problem with any of the fetishes... it's the cheesy dialogue, "baby", and "Mister Dracula" that freak me out.

The cheesy stuff is what makes other peoples canoodling so hilariously uncomfortable to be around. I laughing out loud for longer than usual.

Other couples' pet names are very much not ftw *shakes head sadly*

*sips from her ale, and hails a barmaid* Verily, rainbowbrite, are they not fuhtewah.

A very un-worldly friend of mine was once called a "cuddleblumpkin" by her boyfriend. These pet names, they are not good.

On a lighter note, when I explained to her what a blumpkin is, she dumped him! Hilarious.

May I never ever be called such a ridiculous pet name. One ex-girlfriend tried to name me "Smudge" :'-(.

My girlfriend calls me Mitria (or Meetria? I don't know how it's spelled) because she thinks that this was my name in a past life. It does not please me.

In that you're insulting me for being boring, I think you could have done it with a more intelligent and amusing put-down.

I could, indeed, stand to be more intelligent and amusing, but I ain't insulting you for being boring. Saint hates gays; you hate people who use pet names. Prudery is not a main thing of mature and comfortable human beings, and I ain't really see the difference between yours and his.

Just because other people's pet names make me uncomfortable does not make me a 'hater' of them! I may wince when friends call each other ridiculous things, but I don't actively avoid their company. I'm happy to discuss their myriad fetishes and where to buy supplies for such activities, so while I may be slightly uncomfortable with one small aspect of some human relationships, I am not usually prudish.

OK, I'll take your word for it that you don't go around telling people who use pet names that prayer can cure it. I did keep my mouth shut until your third post on this topic, but, sexual tolerance is about being fine with what (consensual, adult) activity you don't like, that's the whole point. Anyway, we can split the difference between "prudish" and "cool" and call the fact that you're fine with heavy fetishes but squicked with pet names "impractical."

You should not be a cock to a stranger, especially not a hot stranger. Nul points.

I thought we've been through this: This is the Inter-net. You cannot, therefore, know for sure whether or not someone is hot. As devilishly handsome as that horse is.

Oh shit! I just looked up on Wikipedia, and did you know that horse is a DUDE??? I...I don't know how cool I feel about being attracted to a male horse. I mean....that horse that I thought was hot - it was a guy all along.

Okay I'll stop before I explain the joke more.

[IMGS OFF]
Neigh?

I used to think Teodor was just one part of Onstad's psyche, with Ray, Connie, even Philippe making up others, but now I just think T is a straight transfer from Onstad's mind to the page.

Man... I can't read a thing you're writing. Punctuation's cool, man. Even Beef does it when there are more than 4 sentences strung together. Please, save people from aneurisms. Only YOU can do it.

Exactly!

Never have I been so torn between the chubby and the lame. In the end, chubby for valiant effort.

Yeah, it's a real battleground up there, chubby- and lame-wise. I added to the former total, just to keep it close.

Both of my comments so far today have been about chubbies and lames. I need to take a little time off.

If you made that last statement in any other context in life but Assetbar, you would get some looks, man.

Not only was that ridiculously annoying to read (you are not a CAT sir), it was also wrong. I know plenty of young married couples that do exactly what Teodor is doing. Maybe when they're 30 they'll grow out of it. But something about our generation fucking loves takeout and youtube. And if they can get away with it without pants, then damn if they're not going to.

I want to be buried next to you.

I cannot be bothered to read all of this. Can someone give me a TLDR, pls?

Falseprophet, I respect you as a person in the utmost. Your contributions are reliably intelligent in subject matter. We bonded a while back over some Clockwork Orange references. But with all due respect, I think Kirby speaks for all of us when he says:

[IMGS OFF]

Aww, what an adorable way to tell someone to shut the fuck up...

I agree wholeheartedly.

I think that's good.

Wow. I forgot that falsey used to be a troll. That's funny.

[Pages 6-1367 are not part of this book preview.]

I was that one friend.

...once. :(

There comes a time.

I wish you would stop writing like that; but regardless i completely agree with you. How you originally set it up was "You can't make assumptions. This isn't Onstad. Onstad is MARRIED." But once you removed that last part, we were on the same team.

Chubby for the literature.

Actually, no. Teodor is a straight transfer of me onto the page, as all I do is put on my pants, watch reruns on YouTube, then take my pants off again and stuff myself back into bed.

Same here, but I'm afraid I usually keep the pants off, and watch reruns on YouPorn.

hee hee hee! oh, hee hee!

and a chubby for the laugh!

Oh la la

Onstad has actually mentioned in an interview that T is the closest character to himself. I'm being a presumptuous fool by taking him at face value, but it adds some merit to your claims.

It is hard for the lady to get aroused by the cheap looking vampire.

However, Sharapova giving a banana some face time is a commodity with serious value. Chubby for that.

lol literally amirite

Three things.

1. Earendil, are you a YTMND-er? I am assuming so by the "amirite" reference.

B. Do please, explain the etymology and/or general origin of the name "Earendil" and its connection (or lack thereof) to the 16th President of the United States.

and III. Quote:

In the earliest Sumerian sources, beginning about 2400 BC, the land of the Amorites ("the Mar.tu land") is associated with the West, including Syria and Canaan, although their ultimate origin may have been Arabia.[2] The ethnic terms Amurru and Amar were used for them in Assyria and Egypt respectively. Amorites seem to have worshipped the moon-god Sin, and Amurru.

Earendil was a character in Tolkien's Silmarillion. Right now, he's charting the Ilmen betwixt the Gates of Morning and the Doors of night aboard the Vingilot with a Silmaril lighting the way, and Lady Elwing at his side.

Dammit, Skradley - you goaded me into geekery! Well, it's out of the closet, now, I guess.

A noble performance, but don't think the judge from Valinor is going to let those missing diacriticals go unnoticed, pedantic bastard that he is. (Can you even use an � in �ssetb�r?)

Guess not. Well then, 10 out of 10 for you. Sadly, like all of Tolkien's characters, I have no chubby to give (unless you are my sister).

Virtual chubby (hereinafter: V-chub) for the Turin reference, and also for trying (though in vain) to take Assetbar by force with sheer numbers of diacriticals. Alas, they have been rendered into harmless erotemes.

I would bestow another chubby, if I still had one. Let me disagree to a point: I think that Merry and Pippin had plenty of chubbies to give each other. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I'm gonna leave it up to the man himself to make the Lincoln association. There's nary a clue to be had.

I'm gonna have to leave the Lincoln connection a mystery. All I'll say is that they're both awesome.
(btw, I am definitely not a ytmnd-er. I thought that sort of lingo would go well with the maria-sharapova-sexual-innuendo humor.)

GAH I CANT LIE ANYMORE! I don't know why earendil and lincoln are connected!! Existential crisis! New avatar time!

Oh, good, this new screaming anime girl avatar really clears things up. Say, Earendil, is that a silmaril on your brow, or have you just gone super-saiyan?

Ya'll some nerds.

i chubbied you for having the mere ability to get through Silmarillion. I bought a copy about 4 years ago, read the first 10 pages and haven't picked it up since. It's not that I'm a bad reader or anything, just that Tolkien and I aren't really friends. I could barely get through The Hobbit. Under Hill, Over Hill is possibly the most tedious chapter in literary history -- excluding the Moby Dick chapters that explain whales in detail that I've only heard about.

my god man. you read my mind.

They come to a small disagreement yet they still remain in character. What a strong relationship.

I suspect that the "disagreement" is part of the fantasy.

"But those make me look cheap, Mr. Dracula!"

Judge for yourself. By the way, is it just me, or is this the funniest achewood in months?

That was... very disturbing.

SHE'LL SCREAM ONCE SHE SEES YOUR NEW GIGANTIC MEAT LIEUTENANT

improve ur sex life with new S.A.D. lamp technolagy @ $39.95

size increases for young trouser dracula up to 150%!!!!

http://eljazakadina.ockbar.kz

Haha, chubby for "meat lieutenant". Awesome win.

Haha, when I read it I thought it was read "She'll scream once she sees your new gigantic meat, lieutenant" as if I am being sold online penis pills from Kif on Futurama.

As was I. I was just wondering "Why is this spam email directed at a military officer? There is no need".

try what i did

only $10K up front

Did everyone read this as "MEAT LIEUTENANT" or more like "MEAT, LIEUTENANT"? Every spam I get sees fit to address me by titles I do not possess.

Clearly, you are a colonel. Anyone can see that.

Yes. I can see that.

And you would be the expert

And technically one of poultry, not (red) meat.

(Insert Achewood rooster phallus reference here)

DING-DONG!

it's really odd how many times your avatar is extremely appropriate. and then you come out of nowhere, all like "yeeeeeesss?"

I live but to serve, my dear.

Honestly, though, I've been a little surprised myself by all the avatar-related posting opportunities in the last few weeks.

That's my line.

I have a strooooooooooke?

Oh shit. I did. And I made a redundant comment to that effect above. Damn it why don't I ever listen to that voice inside my head that tells me to shut up?

I am nothing more than a deaf Yankee square dance caller.

I'm out of them, but you get a chubby in spirit.

im pretty sure this is my new favorite strip ever

The first resounding 5 in a while.

I hate to interrupt, me from the past, but in point of fact I believe that this may be... the best Achewood strip.

I look at it, and that is how I feel about it. That is all.

Is the suggestion in panel 4 that Beef and Molly have some sort of fetish for Beef's depression?

Who doesn't?

I don't think I do, but that avatar of yours...

When something negative rules your life as much as depression rules Roast Beef's life (and Molly's by extension) you have to make light of it to get into a happy place. I mean who wants a sad mr. dracula? I'm not sure that qualifies as a fetish.
Put another way, sex when you are depressed is no where near as good as sex when you laugh about your depression.

I lamed you by accident. I apologise. You are not a lame achewood commenter.

there should be a way to retract chubbies/lames, to prevent such things from happening.

A lot of people seem to relate more to RB out of the characters, but I have to say Teodor struck a chord with me here

This post may challenge some of those who identify so closely to Roast Beef.

Although I dunno, the guy has always had his little kinks. Corpulent women and such. Still, Dracula is a sexual step beyond.

I don't think it's the kinks that will challenge the identification, it's more like the existence of the sexual experience itself...

I look at your animie avatar and say "Yes, I believe you. May you find the cartoon girl of your dreams some day."

It's from Xenosaga, a video game.

Thank you for clarifying. Chubby for you, and may MOMO smile upon you.

I'm sorry, but it looks like a puppet to me. I realise that it's computer generated...but I can't stop seeing it as a marionette. Was the game about teenage marionette angel-demons saving the inner world from a evil shaman and having sexual innuendo with one another? This is what I was assuming.

Is that the game where the kids suicide themselves to summon giant ghosts to do BATTLE?

Just looked it up - no, it's a Japanese story taking on Western and Middle Eastern religion and going to weird places with it, from what I bothered reading. Also stereotypical.

MATT DAMON!

Haha, through your generalisations you hit so close to home with the plot it's scary.

Chubby sir, chubby.

That's not an accident.

That's lazy writing.

Well obviously. What point did you think I was TRYING to make?

I thought you were honestly impressed by his ability to vaguely make an accurate stab at the plot of your videogame thing. Sarcasm does not carry well over one-liners on the internet.

oh man, I'm in Ithaca and there is hella people with these lamps on at all times of day.

i swear Im think I'm about 50% Beef, 30% ray, 10% Teodor and 10% Todd.

I went to Ithaca and I'm pretty sure that about 20% of them use them to combat SO-SAD, and all the rest use them how Lyle would.

This is a very awkward thing. I am simultaneously afraid of this happening if I were to get such a lamp...and strangely aroused.

"I have crossed oceans of time to splooge on you."

This strip was not literally a lamp for me, but I have been hit pretty hard with the S.O.-S.A.D. this season, and it definitely brightened my area.

Area as in...
Oh, god no
no...please...

I was trying to save Chubbies cos I knew there'd be good 'uns down the page, but alas Assetbar, that dastard, has conspired to bring me up short again.

I don't even have a lamp to shine to make the Chubbies grow back.

Those are some very disparaging windowsill ants.

That is one, one wonderful lamp.
[IMGS OFF]
Ha, ha, ha.

rule 34...
please don't. I'm not even going to search it.

Oh fuck you dammit dammit DAMMIT I DID NOT WANT MY HEAD TO GO THERE SCREW YOU FUCK YOU

But, of course, I was out of chubbies to give you. I wanted to, man, really I did.

i got 'im for you. no gratuity is necessary.

I count slowly, slowly, slowly getting faster
Once I've started counting it's really hard to stop
Faster, faster. It is so exciting!
I could count forever, count until I drop

One! One lamp! Ba-ha-ha

awesome!

I think he's just grossed out.

I don't get why this was worth so many Lames.

Yes stevepants, it's Beef and Molly.

'Cause he asked a question.

To be fair, it was kind of a stupid question.

Oh, definitely.

We are dealing with forces beyond all human experience, and enormous power. Special purple pumps are required.

This is EXACTLY why there are men on the street in Montreal yelling "Club Supersexe right this way - time to squeeze some titties".
Teodor is perturbed because they're hogging BOTH of the cures to so-sad and that is straight up unfair for a single bear of 30 still all up in his christmas of '83 turtleneck.

"Time to squeeze some titties" makes me think of Google Calendar coming up with a reminder. "11:30 PM - Squeeze titties (Club Supersexe, 13 rue Sleazee)"

That's the worst mis-typing of Ste. Catherine I've ever seen.

Hey, does anyone know how the hell the inbox works? There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to the order in which comments are listed and there doesn't seem to be a way to clear it out, so it's basically just a pain in the butt to try to find new stuff in it. Am I missing something?

only a soul

no it's pretty silly

No it's like complete nonsense. All I can tell is that they're grouped together by what comic the comment is on, but I cannot discern how the order of the comics is determined. New stuff frequently seems to turn up on page four for me, but I know not why.

Huh. I guess I'll watch page four for a bit then. Thanks.

Yes, you are missing the following fact: if you get a reply, and then someone replies to that reply, the first reply is repeated, but only sometimes, and not always on the same page of the inbox.

That's spaghetti. I brought no sauce to the party, so I hope you like it dry.

i was looking for an email address for anyone associated with assetbar and i can't find anything! the only way i can find to communicate with them is to leave a comment on their blog, i don't know if that would help

I HAVE HEARD CATS DOING FOREPLAY AND IT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE THIS

Of course, Achewood is dubbed from the cat. In the original the foreplay goes like this:

Oooh nyeah nyarr nyarr waaau

nyarr nyarr waaau wurr yaw yaw

nyow? weeeow waw mreeee wurr?

Ooh nyeah yrrrr przft weeeorrr mrow Dracula mwahhhh-wow-wow

mrkgnao mrow yow wau wau! miaou wurr Dracula!

Drracula meww waw krrrrweeee yaw

wreeeee gnow bkrrrrr Dracula

Dracula gwo frrrr ptack yaa mwwwwah-ha-ha

I think you'll agree, while Paul Giamatti and Thora Birch do a decent job, the dubbing doesn't really do this scene justice.

The choice of actors are respectable, and your translation flawless.

this is something i have thought a lot about. let's discuss.
Thora Birch is perfect for Molly, but for Beef, i was thinking somebody younger and more soft-spoken.... Zach Galifianaki, maybe Zach Braff, or if an animated version ends up on adult swim, i'd trust the role with Brendon Small.
Todd - Chris Ward (mc chris. this is perhaps most basic idea.)
Vlad - Frank Azaria (this would make the world a perfect place.)
Lie Bot - Paul Rudd (or in my fantasy cast, Stephen Colbert if he comes back to voice acting)
Philippe - Maria Bamford (or any number of voice actors, really.)
Lyle - Dave Attel (my choices are somewhat obvious i suppose)
Pat - Michael Showalter
Cornelius, Teodor and Nice Pete could be any number of people.
Ray Quentin Smuckles is impossible for me to cast.

I'm sure you guys can top that cast. I'm really interested: who would you trust the voice acting for each character with?

Chubbied for casting Michael Showalter as Pat. That was inspired.

The more I think about it, Brendon Small = yes. He'd be great as Beef. Chubbs in progress.

Brendon Small works for Beef but for some reason I cannot help but think that Beef should be played by Snoop Dogg. They do not have the same personalities at all but there is something hilarious to me about Snoop Dogg playing Roast Beef.

Yes, YES.

I would die a little if you used Zach Braff. I think he's really annoying. Brendon Small sounds too young, but I'm sure he can do something else...

I imagine Roast Beef sounds way more surly then young. That's why he talks so small.

Paul Giamatti sounds too innocent (I never heard him before, just youtube him) when his voice "breaks" a little, that kills Roast Beef for me...

I imagine a really low, surly voice, that rarely loses it's "sass".

Zach Braff was my friend's suggestion.. I wasn't too keen on it, but I thought maybe it'd be a more popular opinion. Zach Galifianakis, my first idea, matches your requirements.

not to mention how their last names compliment each other..

I like your cast, because the people you're choosing for the voices are really unexpected, but when I thought about it, I understood that they were great choices, particularly Michael Showalter as Pat. That's a stroke, that is.

I could see Ed Norton doing a passable job as Roast Beef.

If he's talking about how he's "lost time," then definitely.

for teodor I like patton oswalt

Put Christopher Walken in there.

a young Christopher Walken would be the perfect live-action Cropes.... god, i wish i had some pirated photoshop.

Oddly enough I made a list just yesterday. I posted it somewhere else here (2005, I think), so I won't be surprised if this is lamed as a re-run to anyone who saw it there. Anyway:

As uncomfortable as I have always been with the thought of an animated Achewood (those things never turn out right), this is a fun game and, in spite of myself, I've definitely spent some time thinking about it. Some of these ideas were mentioned by others at various points - if I could remember who said what I'd credit them. Here are the possibilities that I (and they) have considered:

Beef - Crispin Glover

Cornelius - Michael Gambon (please everybody, stop this Kelsey Grammer nonsense. The man's got no class.)

Teodor - John Cusack (I understand that Teodor's Belarusian and Cusack isn't, but I know a few people of Russian decent who've lived in the states their entire life and who, unlike their parents, speak perfect American English, so this doesn't feel far-fetched to me).

Molly - Lucy Davis

Ray - Andre Benjamin

Lyle - Benicio Del Toro (I realize that Lyle isn't Hispanic, but I think he could bring a lot of life to the part. Think Fear and Loathing.

Philippe - An actual child. By "actual," I guess I mean "not necessarily an actor." Think Charlie Brown Christmas. Like that.

Pat - David Hyde Pierce

Lie Bot - Christopher Walken (perfect! thank you, riazm)

Again, let me stress that I do not wish for this to happen. But if it had to, this, in my mind would be pretty ideal.

Well thought out, sir. I do have a bit of an issue with Crispin Glover in any role these days. The guy's a loony. Have you seen "What Is It?" Good Lord. There are no words, just soft, padded walls.

Also, I haven't seen enough of Andre 3000's acting to fully endorse this. He's got the persona, but does he have the chops?

An aside - I re-watched "Traffic" the other night. Benicio Del Toro can do fucking anything.

Andre really surprised me in the otherwise shitty "Be Cool".

that's clever Molly casting, i forgot she's British.

I always had Gary Oldman as Cornelius.

I think an actual Oldman would be more fitting.

As we seem to be talking about an animated feature, I don't believe Mr Oldman's age would really matter.

Besides, Gary is slowly but surely gettin' up there in years, and by the time any animated Achewood project came to fruition he'd proably be just old enough to pass, with some makeup.

Yul Brynner as Ramses Luther Smuckles. He made an anti-smoking commercial...after he died of lung cancer. Seriously, he's that bad-ass.

"I Kick Death's Ass--And I Can Act"

OH MY GOD YES Andr� Benjamin is PERFECT for Beef.

Ray. Not Beef.

Oh, YES! I usually read Lie Bot in a hyper car-salesman kind of voice, but I went back a few strips and Christopher Walken fits perfectly! A CHUBBY FOR YOU SIR!

Philli pe, guess WHats in the HALL.. closet!

A... SKEleton!

It works. Excellently.

That quote sounds more to me like the voice of William Shatner. Which could also be excellent.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to go pro-Shatner on this one.

For Your Consideration:

Ted Lange, or Isaac the Bartender as Ray Smuckles
Ian McKellen as Cornelius Bear (Classy, and can pull off some hardcore Shakespearean rage when Cornelius gets a fake tattoo/finds out that Phillipe is participating in E-buggery)
Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, or Andre Benjamin as Roast Beef (The dudes can bring on the sass)
Eve Myles (from Torchwood) as Molly
I'm still out on Lyle and Pat, but I think that Philippe should be played by a very special boy.

But what about Rod Huggins and Circus Penis? I see Gene Simmons as Circus Penis for some reason, but what about The Rod?

Easily Mr. Ron Jeremy.

Obviously.

In my head the only Achewood character I can pair with a real actor is Ray, whose voice I hear as being nearly exactly like the English version of Jet Black from "Cowboy Bebop" (if you have never heard of it, it is much cooler than the title may suggest, I assure you).

I kind of want to assign Nicky Jones for Philippe; he does the voice of Chowder ( if anyone watches that show ) and he does a pretty good job of being all precocious like Philippe would.

* would BE, rather.

John Goodman as Ray. When Ray opens his mouth I hear Walter Sobchak, and it's time Goodman did something respectable for a change.

I think an actual Goodman would be more fitting.

*snicker*

Oh, I just read your comment above about Gary Oldman, whereby I understood your joke. Good show.

Lie Bot - Paul Rudd (or in my fantasy cast, Stephen Colbert if he comes back to voice acting)

Jesus YES, for both of them.

And also yes to the guy who suggested Patton Oswalt as Teodor.

what about John C. Reilly for Teodor?

Interesting. Teodor was really the most difficult pick. I was also kind of leaning toward Adrien Brody, for whatever reason. It would have to be someone with character, but not too over the top. Not cartoony. That would be my worry with Patton Oswalt. John Goodman would be interesting as Ray, but in the end I just cannot hear Ray with a white voice. Just doesn't work for me.

I never thought of Beef as a guy with a high pitched whiny voice. I was thinking more like John Cusack.

You're on to something, there.

wait, who the hell is *Frank* Azaria?

This was the first thing I noticed too, can't believe it took this long for someone to post. C'mon people, he's like the patron deity of having a lot of crazy voices.

crap. hank. thanks. sorry.

I am especially intrigued by the "przft", "bkrrrrr", and "ptack". I've never heard a cat come close to making those sorts of sounds. Perhaps I need to pat attention to feline foreplay more often.

"Dracula" on the other hand is just too god damned surreal not to accept at face value.

I'm pretty sure Bill the Cat said "ptack" all the time. That may not have been foreplay, though.

I always considered cat foreplay to be holding the chick down with your claws and biting her neck, both cats screaming before the actual unpleasant process, which only ends up lasting a few seconds, then the chick swipes at the dude, before getting horny again and rolling about coquettishly for the dude.

This may be many guys' regular sex lives on the internet, too.

Dude, that's my ex-wife you're talking about.

I have read that the reason you hear cats hollering like that is because male cats have spiny junk.

Let's all take a minute to consider spiny junk.

There has been far too much considering of spiny junk on Assetbar already.

Pandas have inverse junk.

There is an evolutionary joke on pandas, basically.

I have also read that pigs have corkscrew junk, dolphins have prehensile junk, and one species of junk has bottlebrush junk so it can scrape out the semen of any ducks who mated with the female earlier.

There's some weird fucking junk out there.

One species of DUCK goddamn it. My mind is reeling with junk!

Yet only man can name his junk after old monster movie villains. I guess that's a leg up on all the other species.

Well...man and cats.

Ganders are the only birds with junk.

According to this article there are a few birds with junk. I believe it because there is a picture of a duck with a totally gnarly dick.

Yes, I found this article by Googling "bottlebrush penis." Yes, that will remain on my searched list forever.

There is something wrong in a universe where we live in the same town yet I do not know you.

I know, dude, we gotta make the t-shirts!

Educational shirts about junk of the animal world?

"My bottlebrush junk brings all the girls to the yard"

I was thinking more about "HAY I'M THAT GUY/GIRL FROM THE INTERNET," but this would probably actually be more recognizable.

Well...whatcha gonna do with all that junk?

*Sighs resignedly*

All that junk up in your trunk.

virtual chubby for you. too much commenty goodness on this page. sorry skradles.

yes, that's right. a pet name for you.
creepy yes?

FOREPLAY MUST ALWAYS BE ALL CAPITAL LETTERS

heh!

Between this and her striped stockings, Molly seems to be very good at wearing footwear that people think is sexy.

I must say I'm relieved that the whole election thing seems over with- I think that relief made this one all the more delightful, though that last panel's dialogue is darn close to Hall of Fame quality.

O exchanged elections for erections.

Cornelius Bear doesn't need a seasonal happiness lamp. He's got his martini and he's all right.

his face in the last two panels... so perfect

I agree, pizza slice bro.

....aaaaand, that's lunch, people!

Lost_Buoy, yours was the first post on this page, as of...right now, to use the word "That".

I'd like to give you something, but I got nothin'. Here's a pizza trophy.

This makes me happier than Sally Field a nanosecond before she gets yanked off a stage during an acceptance speech.

I can't fathom how or why you did this, Skradley, but it harkens back to a nobler time when pronouns were kindred to gold bullion.

Dudes, I just noticed I can chubby myself. Is that the same as masturbating???

TELL ME SO I DONT DO IT IN FRONT OF YOU GUYS.

come on do you like 2 eat pizza

I was not aware that this could be done BUT I personally would consider it Bad Form. A Thing which, out of Honor, should not be done.

It's not every day you see a man sprint and frown at the same time.

And if it's a bear doing it, that's basically like getting hit by lightning.

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