Bachelor Pre-Party.

Bachelor Pre-Party. 06/20/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

You can lead a man to fruit but you can't make him behave.

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Wow, man. Beef cold played him.

Well done, sir.

I like that the blotter is directly quoting Beef there.

"uh no sir I did not expect the son of a bitch to make bail that was the plan"

They're suspiciously diligent, it's true. Somebody at the Achewood Sentinel is gunning for the first ever Pulitzer Prize in Police Blottery. (Blotting?)

Beef got the chessboard out and whacked a mole all at the same time.

This sorta cold calculation is surprising from a man who's family currently holds the top two spots on the achewood police blotter.

Perhaps they are not seperate incidents. Perhaps Beef made an anonymous complaint before hand, safe in the assumption that his mother would probably be yelling at something, and be on meth. Almost remniscent of Micheal Corleone clearing out the dons at his son's baptism.

frightening!

HAMMOND, IN - An anonymous tip led police to an abandoned 1982 Subaru Brat on Summer Street. Inside the trunk were six black garbage bags which contained the pieces of one Ms. Bleth _, old, of Chicago. Around her body were millions upon millions of sticky ants. Police are searching for

oh dont drive through indiana
our weather is bad enough without the curse of god following you into town

Extremely appropriate avatar, sir.

i do not want to hang out but i will make a recording of myself reading all the text from the wikipedia article for "teledildonics" if you will promise to listen to it on repeat for the entire duration of your trip from chicago to ocean

Bleth_, that's like social vampirism. Your first contribution to this board is basically asking people from Assetbar to travel distances in order to entertain you.

No one caught on to the fact that this is alreadyinuse again?

Oh no, we know that for sure. Its just that noone felt the need to state the obvious.

Barry Onyx did not seem to clue in, and no one was pleading the ignore feature, so I assumed that it was so.

People like alreadyinuse/bleth/glyc are why the Ignore User feature was invented and I thank the powers that be for it a lot these days.

It'd be nice if his IP could be banned though.

That's not fair. Maybe it's his little brother.

What an unlikely scenario!

IP bans are no good. All he needs to do is reboot his router and get a new DHCP address and he's past it. This sort of thing pretty much has to be handled by the community. All the people saying DON'T REPLY TO HIM need to be listened to. Complaining about him is the absolute worst idea, and making witty remarks to anything he says just makes it worse.

The DHCP protocol has a specific means for requesting a new random address. Most ISPs enable this. If nothing else, most ISPs lease between 2 and 4 different addresses to a endpoint (home), one for each computer. You can grab one on computer A, get banned on computer B, then tell B to spoof the MAC address of A and it will automagically grab the IP address of A as well.

There are a lot of tricks to getting around dynamic IPs, and if we ban IPs and someone switches, it could very well block out a totally innocent user in the same area (this does happen a fair bit).

I'm thinking of a new policy where I keep AIU on ignore, and start burning all my lames on the people who keep responding to him. A couple of people using that policy could get him properly ignored in a matter of days.

This is not a bad idea, hedonismbot. I'd join you, but I only get one lame every...I don't know, week or something?

I kind of like that policy. When I have lames to give, I shall follow your example.

I'll give more warning on a fresh comic, only three people are reading this one today. I gots like, a jillion lames because I am such a nice person. I will unload on anyone who responds to him, while knowing who he is, and isn't Edwell. Nobody gets to lame him.

You have my lame AX

I'm with it, I'm sick of dude.

Ok, I am one of those people that like to flame aiu, the only reason I don't have him on ignore is so that I can come up with different ways of calling him a fucking idiot. But ultimately this board would be better without him so I will stop responding and I will even join you in laming people who respond to him, unless their comment is particularly meritorious.

Sorry... got a little trigger happy there.

I'll join in on this with the caveat that I won't lame anyone responding to a sensible post. I don't mind him being around when he isn't being a fuck-knuckle.

Hedonismbot, how you be so genius?

I just popped my ignore cherry. It feels... clean.

I almost never ignore and rarely lame (not to mention post infrequently). But Hedonismbot has my vote on this.

For Jebus' sake - the AIU's created 4 new identities on this day alone.

can you do that anyway, please good sir?

I'm a little worried about that quote.

"I did not expect the son of a bitch to make bail" implies that Showbiz did make bail, contrary to Beef's expectations.

The judicial system probably has more pressing cases than some guy messing with produce bins, so there's a good chance he'd have a month or so before his court date.

It was worded in context of the interview. Beef SAID that he didn't expect the [man] to make bail [this time]"

No worries. Beef put thought into this: it cannot go wrong.

If you feel the urge to lame doc_rostov's post below, take pity and lame this sacrifice instead. It might be a paltry one but it is all I can offer at this hour :(

This was exactly my favorite part of the strip, too, the brackets all inviting us to imagine the possible epithets Beef could have spewed that would be deemed unprintable by the Achewood Police Blotter.

Calling someone a son of a bitch doesn't really work when they are you brother.

Your not you dammit

[IMGS OFF]

Pretty awesome man!

I love that you matted it against AssetBar Chubby green, in anticipation of the rush of chubbies you would receive.

Incidentally, 212 so far! Congratulations, I think you might have set a new record.

eugh go and die

It's a transparent GIF...

word up.

like hell anybody but edwell would be so presumptuous to 'matte' a gif chubby green.

Not you.

....i'm foncused by what you were trying to convey here.

from what I can gather he was going for the 3 lame orange background blend. now if only that existed he would be golden

I was going for retard points

Looks like you got 'em.

You can see rostov is a true craftsman, he made the background transparent, so when he was chubbied above the threshold it wouldn't look unsightly.

I tip my hat to you sir.

You gotta think ahead when you're knee deep in the Assetbar game and fighting for the chubbies every day.

... I would buy that shirt. Are you sure you're not Onstad in disguise?

yes! in a combo pack with an analog wristwatch that looks like how Showbiz tells time

You have taken my portmanteau and made portmaneart--a man after my own portmantheart!

Thank you! Wonderful!

Who lamed this?
Step forward. I demand justice.

Ok, I usually don't tattle but it was totally Blastradius. I seen him do it. And he was all talking down about you as he did it, too. He was like, "I can lame whatever I wanna lame. Who's gonna stop me? That little bitch onepapertiger? Not likely! 'Paper tiger' is right, I'm not afraid of him!" And then I told him that you wouldn't like it but he did it anyway.

It's a Beck song I couldn't stop playing. I shot it one day and used it as my screenname for everything. It will be immortal for all time.

I'm immortal for three weeks a year.
I never know which three weeks but it's still comforting, like a pair of boxers full of jelly.

J-e-l-l-o
ITS ALIVE.

Go on, heh? Find out if he's alive--AAAHH-HAHAHA-hack, wheeze, drink of water--Eah, I sweardagud I just kills myself some nights.

Not even I would lame that.

Pumjesticles! your liege lord demands justice!

And so justice was served!

WHAT NEWS FROM THE NORTH, PUMJESTICLES?

(Enter OSRIC, PUMJESTICLES, TORCHBEARERS,HERALDS)

PUMJESTICLES:As sure as there is angst in a Radiohead song, so too was justice done in Northern climes. Young and Old joined in chubbying rejoiced anew and neither lames nor the beprattling myrmidon were sighted till the matins bell chimed.

(exeunt)

It makes me sad that this post won't get the chubbies it deserves.

I've had "Pumjesticles" running through my head all day, but pronounced like all Greek like... missed something definitely.

Agreed.

Everybody listen to "Tha Carter III"/Grizzly Bear/Iron Horse's cover of Modest Mouse's "Interstate 8" in week-long increments that is all.

Really strange but the original Modest Mouse version of Interstate 8 was like halfway through playing when I happened to read this. I don't see how Album/Band/Band connects to make a cover of one song, and especially not those albums and bands. But I am interested!

That is an incredible goddamned idea. But, I am sorry to explain, those were three separate suggestions. But I think if you tried to actually put that together, the group would likely cancel itself out in a puff of unrelated excellence and we would be left with a half-page of Isaac Brocks' lyrics on a dusty rug, written on the back of a receipt, all cigarette-burn in the side of the page, empty bag of meth blows past because of a rotary fan. Somebody is knocking patiently on the door, but no one stirs...

The cover (incredible): http://songza.com/z/7t50f2

right click, save image as...

as what

as WHAT

hahaha

that was some pro ice Leavery...

Looks as though the GOF isn't the only discipline mastered by Ramses Luther which Beef has sought to become an adept of.

Some folk, gawkers like us, see a storm brewin' on the horizon and titter and cluck about how the mystery man, the hero from out of town'll stride in at the last moment n' put things right in a crucible of pain and glory. But there are other folks, though, like those who know they won't be able to rest their head easy beside that of the woman they made a promise to on a July day if they don't put down the trouble that's theirs to be put down. And folks like that take care of the trouble in their own way, quiet and subtle, the only trace a blip in the back pages of the daily rag, without callin' out to the big heavy regulators from way down the road. No messiah with blood on his hands makin' an impudent fool suffer in the house of God, just a man keeping his house in order. My hat's off to you, Mr. Kazenzakis.

THE COEN BROTHERS!? So THAT'S where you guys try out new material.

You sometimes forget how stone cold Beef can play the game until incidents like this or the Great Outdoor Fight. Or stealing Pat's spaceship to go think about programming *forever.*

And here comes the Kazenzakis family. Nothing like meth and wedding cake.

Well, they're not coming any more. That was kind of the point, I think.

Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak
somewhere in this town

Sounds like the first verse of a very exciting ballad.

[url = http://www.metrolyrics.com/jailbreak-lyrics-thin-lizzy.html]oh, it is[/url]

:/ hm. try this one instead

I never got that "somewhere in this town" business. It's a jailbreak, so it pretty much has to happen at the jail, right?

The members of Thin Lizzy are so tough that they live in a town with multiple jails.

The members of Thin Lizzy are so tough that they live in multiple jails.

Wait, what?

The members of Thin Lizzy's members are so tough that they have been known to break concrete blocks. Which is why they need to be in multiple jails. Matroshka jails, if you will.

The jail is a metaphor. They're breaking out of their ordinary, stifling lives.

Or, what loneal said ;-)

... and in accordance with my nationality I feel compelled to rebut this with the fact that Showbiz will make it out with a bullet in his back!

ALL IN THE NAME OF LIBERTY

Never mind Ray, although we still love him, I am thinking that Roast Beef is the sort of cat that Gets Things Done.

Awesome plan, yadda yadda yadda. What I want to know is, who's Corliss Kazenzakis?

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302005

Beef's mother.

Copy and paste is too much effort!

Beef's mother.

BUT YOU TOTALLY HAD TO COPY AND PASTE IN ORDER TO CREATE THIS BBCODE LINK!

Straw died so that we might live.

Don't want to fall asleep, cause I'll miss you, babe ...
and I don't want to miss a thing.

NOOOO... not Aerosmith! ::head explodes::

Totally creepy.. I had that song in my head last night.

I spent a little while wondering what Jesus had to do with Aerosmith

hello everybody *hic* i'm roast beefese's mom

NOW WHERE'S THAT CAKE

Insulting Beef's mother is not a cool thing to do.

ah, what? god damn assetbar, bringing democracy to humour.

for what it's worth, I thought it was a pretty alright thing to say.

On the off chance you're making an [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afvZlcsXylc"]MST3K reference[/url], autrepoupee...

Tee-hee-hee, she's high!
How shocking! Terrible! Dreadful!

Did I just eff up bbcode? What a goofball. Honestly. Try this, at about 9:20 in.

Haha, absolutely that was what I was referencing.

Credit has to be given to Jimmy's mom though, that was a very nice hat that she was showing off.

I don't know man, there's a pretty good chance she isn't making bail either (drug law varies from state to state). Maybe the wedding can be captured on closed circuit television and wired to their respective jail cells.

Not with my tax dollars!

Hoppy Bunny the Libertarian - coming soon to FoxNewz4Kidz

Every time he hops, a Laffer Curve is formed.

this is the Best Post and needs more chubbies

His name is Brian. He's a rabbit you can really trust, what with having a name like Brian.

a friend of mine would hate you forever for using libertarian and fox news in the same sentence

hate you forever

never stop

While it is true that some libertarians are more concerned with the fiscal conservatism often espoused on select, precious few shows on FoxNews that at least talk in a straight line rather than the social liberalism that has come to hallmark more rational (reasonable?) libertarians as of late, this characterization that since libertarians share, sometimes quite vocally, one issue with the GOP (and, really, no issues with the neo-cons that have come to dominate the party), they must share them all, something that most certainly invokes great ire from many if not all. I assure you, speaking only on my own behalf, that I do not nor would ever dream of owning a tshirt that thinks highly of the opinions of either Geraldo or Anne Coulter. Quite the opposite!

That was a very good pun you made there, straw. Good post in general here, but an excellent pun.

Thank you, tekende! Appreciated, as always. I'll let this serve as a vchub.

Well, to be fair, she's less a drunk and more a methhead, so it'd be more helloeveryoneimroatsbeefsmomnowwheresthatcake WILL SOMEONE FUCK ME PLEASE ineedcaketocalmdownshitFUCKineedsomethingtotakethisfuckingEDGEoffFUCK!

you don't have to be a meth head to periodically shout "will someone fuck me please"

...but it helps!

You have the air of experience there, spinynorman.

People often mistake me for a hobo, bellowing random things into the street, but no, seriously, someone needs to get all up in this and I am honestly asking.

IT'S A WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FUCK NORMAN FRIDAY

Sure!

and all this time I thought you were basically hip-deep in it, all "Ladies, please, one at a time."

Yeah, I saw the whole thing during handface weekend and I think ol' Norman is indulging in a little false modesty. I bet he has to carry a pistol to keep the ladies away long enough to get some sleep.

Eh, I get by. The girlfriend's out of town for the weekend, and it's my birthday on Sunday, so the sentiment is not entirely untrue.

Does that mean that... that you are rejecting my loves??

In Cromar life, there been heartache and pain.
Cromar don't know ... if Cromar can face it again.
Cromar can't stop now; Cromar traveled so far
To change this lonely life ...

CROMAR WANT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! WANT LITTLE MAN TO SHOW HIM!
CROMAR WANT FEEL WHAT LOVE IS! KNOW LITTLE MAN CAN SHOW HIM!

Well, I don't know, getting your salad tossed by a pink skull sporting a similarly colored bowler is an attractive idea.

This should be the Photoshop contest for today's strip!

(inside)No, no it shouldn't be.

[IMGS OFF]

If you're a bad person and you know it, clap your hands!

clap clap

Ha ha. That is awesome.

Roast beef is all jealous.

clap.

(now you have the)

(fall into the...)

(3 minute Steve Howe guitar solo)

Man I would feel a little sad if people are just chubbying this 'cause they hate me. Tee hee.

Not to detract from daidai's brilliant execution.

Fuck I am talking to myself again.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPINYNORMAN

I am preparing myself for the true saddest thing.

At least cartoon meth mouth can't look nearly as bad as the real thing

Meth mouth makes mountain dew mouth look like perfect dentition.

the couple of times I managed to squirrel Mountain Dew into the house as a kid, my mother would just scream and scream about the future of my teeth. I am unable to fall asleep without brushing them three times.

Thanks for the memories, tullumo. Thanks for the neurosis, mom.

When I found out that my baby teeth were not permanent, I stopped brushing my teeth for about six years.

I would like more children to be at least that clever, but a lot less stinky-breathed.

With kids though, that's a talent, something to be admired by your peers for. Maybe the kid falls in with a group of awkward yet lovable misfits and gets a nickname like "Stinkbreath" or "Halitosis Hal" or if they are aware of irony, "Minty". Maybe they have a number of hilarious adventures together where they seek treasure, avoid girls, or track down criminals. Maybe they can get together, later, with decent paying jobs, kids of their own, and health insurance, and reminisce about times that once were, except for Angry Jimbo, who got stabbed up bad in that bar fight 10 years back.

I'd like to think so.

Ah, Minty. Great guy. Too bad how he ended up -- with 5 other guys in a two-person townhome, all six working at the same Taco Bell.

In Australia they call bald people Curly. I like Australia.

Australia, where the national sense of humor trends towards "Stoogesque".

(That's good!)

nyuknyuknyuk

And red-heads are called Blue. Or they were, once. Now they're always called Rangas.

But rangas aren't a race Jonah.

So that's how you spell "Rangas"! Always wondered about that. Thanks solobuttons! :D

solobuttons: the resource for Australian slang

...always, unless they are called Fanta Pants, Blood Nut, or Ginger (pronounced Ginn-gerr to rhyme with inn-fur). My favorite is Fanta Pants. Fanta in Australia was until recently exclusively orange.

Yeah, but that can backfire on you if it turns out that you don't have a permanent tooth beneath your baby one, and the baby one just rots away into adulthood. This is why I had to have a molar pulled.

People are like racehorses I guess.

yeah, we'd better just shoot 'em all

THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT

Um, they can piss for ten minutes straight?

They make excellent glue and dogfood?

They participate in sports better under the influence of steroids?

you gotta admit, it is way more humane than the WNBA

HA!

What the hell dogs. What about my teeth?

What? Did you explain how the women's good fundamentals make up for their inability to dunk?

(VCHUB)

blueschoc give *good* snoo-snoo

Thank you kickstart, I didn't know it was possible to snarf air until I read this.

And the universe is shaped exactly like the earth, if you go straight long enough you'll end up where you were.

The lyrics to that song are hella weird. That was my jam when I was seeing this one girl... prolly should have realized it was doomed at that point!

Given that our blood is just like the Atlantic, of course.

falseprophet, I generally enjoy your posts anyway, but--for whatever reason--that particular one activated some dormant nostalgia dragon in my head. He made a victory lap in my soul and then burst into flame and evaporated with a bright flash.
It was pretty intense.

SEARCHING: nostalgia, dragon:
[IMGS OFF]

Sisqo's record was actually spurred by inspiration upon reading falseprophet's post.

Oh god, my life is a mess. But these feelings... the Dragon has been unleashed! Everything is so clear! The Haze has lifted, I can See! Wait, yes--MUSIC. ...I must share this beauty!

(Sisqo strides across the room, flips the latch up and throws open his window) "Look out world," he bellows with cupped hands.
"Here comes Sisqo!"

The music was perfect: it was classical.

There are two kinds of people in the world, the kind who think there are two kinds of people in the world, and those who don't.

^^^ someone chubby this because I cannot chubby myself and it is chubby worthy

tia,

~Turk

Done

Thanks :)

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't. And like, 8 other kinds.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who make the binary joke, and those who beat up the people who make the binary joke.

Binary Solo.

Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero One
Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero One One
Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero One One One
Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero One One One One!!

If you say that again about my mother I will be forced to have words.

Flight of the Conchords lyrics and also Modest mouse on the same page. What next?!

OH OH ONE! OH OH ONE!

LOVE THEM

m...MOIST?

Curses! Out of chubbies! *Wiggles fingers to give imaginary chubby*

"Look, I don't know how they do things in England-"
"New Zealand."
"Yeah, I don't give a shit."

Your magic mojo chubby is accepted, sweet girl.

chubbied for tom robbins reference

I think I read somewhere that meth mouth wasn't actually caused by the drug -- but by the poor dental habits associated with it; ie soda drinking, not brushing teeth, eating only sugary fast food...

As for the whole wrinkled pus-face scabby thing -- yeah that's the meth.

Meth and soda do go hand in hand down the road to perdition. Makes a good mix drink, too.

I wonder if they have flavored meth. I'd like that.

(nah)

Some of the chemicals in meth break down calcium and other minerals in your body, weakening the bones and teeth. Meth mouth is an actual thing, not just poor dental hygeine.

If I'm not mistaken, it's the shitty byproducts mixed in with the meth that cause some of the more serious side effects. (Mmm... ammonia!) It's not like kids who are prescribed Adderall (Amphetamine) or Desoxyn (Meth) get all fucked up with their teeth falling out and shit.

Exactly! It's because of the gin.

Well I'll be. I thought they had stopped making Desoxyn (I was right about that, Abbott stopped making it in 2004) but a little research reveals that other companies have taken up the torch. Thanks internet!

You... you don't have any do you?

It is funny only because your avatar reminds me of every meth addict I know.

So, know many meth addicts?

Unfortunately, yes.

Why stranger, I thought you had some.

See you in the parking lot.

P-p-p-p-p-plussssssss the c-c-c-c-c-connssssssstant g-g-g-g-g-g-grrrrrrrrriiiiiinding!

Also if you snort it, a little more of those fun chemicals will hang around your mouth on their way from your sinuses.

Man, Showbiz even fails at being a villain. After yesterday's strip I'd been expecting a lead-in to some dramatic, nay, epic confrontation, possibly involving folding chairs... But I guess Showbiz is just a can'tcer on society, to paraphrase Rowland.

see this way beefs family is set to be otherwise occupied and cant ruin his lady's big day. this could be a "gift of the magi" setup....

You were hardly alone in expecting such a confrontation; this situation does seem rather neatly wrapped up. But then, Beef is about nothing if not understatement (well, that and depression.)

I do wonder how facing consequences on his own is going to change Showbiz, if at all; I'd imagine he'd come back into action the same old pig, but then Onstad has already bucked the readers' predictions once...

I dunno. Guy like him, I get the feeling this is hardly the first time he's been in jail for petty crimes. So unless he somehow winds up sharing a cell with Miami and starts disparaging barbers while salad tongs are in reach, I doubt this'll qualify as life-changing.

Onstad's got quite a track record of abruptly aborting what seem to be the beginnings of story arcs. He's commented in interviews that he does (or at least did) no real planning for longer stories and just goes one strip at a time. It's an understandable and often effective technique for an essentially one man operation with extremely high productivity expectations, but it does result in some jarring about faces. That's not always a bad thing; I'm still thanking my lucky stars that the lolcat story arc died peacefully in its sleep, for instance. In this case, I'm mostly just relieved that Beef will (apparently) not be further punished by his destroyed family.

Beef thinks his wedding will be peaceful because his family are all out of the picture.

Brother: jailed
Mother: jailed
Father: dead
Grandma K: uh-oh

is Gramma K even still alive?

and even if she were, would she really actually leave the house for even her grandson's wedding?

I wouldn't be so sure about Beef escaping his family. It ain't over 'til the fat lady sits on a cake.

No way, that's when that shit begins

for Ray at least...

I don't know. I like the way Beef played him, but I think all of us would have liked to see him just beat the shit outa Showbiz.

Not me man... I dont care about Roast Beef beating asses... this strip is perfect as far as Im concerned, its such a beautiful, ridiculous plan, knowing 6 Tequizas would never be enough, knowing that when they went to the store to get more Tequizas, it would be impossible for Showbiz to not bring the pain to the produce, knowing it would only put his brother away just long enough to keep him away from the wedding, and the final police blotter twist at the end... thats exactly why I read achewood. I probably shouldnt go too far with this post, but honestly, I wish people would kind of get over the great outdoor fight.... most of achewood, and most of what i love about achewood, has nothing to do with cat on cat violence.

Kaiser Sose!

Well, yeah, but that's not how Beef seems to operate. The cat destroys with his mind. I mean hell he was put out on the killing floor, one of three thousand men, and he beat 2998 of them by telling the 2999th how.

Well, yes, the epic confrontation needn't have been violent, as, yes, you're both absolutely right, Beef doesn't typically operate that way, but I expected there to be some more build up before Showbiz got his comeuppance.

I suppose it's my fault for even beginning to hope for major Achewood villainry that a man who can't spell "Nefarious," or, for that matter, read a clock.

>Epic

%u0CA0_%u0CA0

Well put. Chubbied.

shit, spoke too soon: Fresh out.
V-chubbed?

Chubbied in your honor, sir.

thank you, ceokasen. I will try to remember your... devious and terrifying face.

What can I say? The man taught me dark, ehh, smoulder look, like Valentino.

This could not have been put better.

Man, no. This is the stone cold strategy that won the great outdoor fight. So much more entertaining than mere beat-downs and cowboy sauce and the like.

Roast Beef ain't a man of raw dealings.

We all knew that Roast Beef had hell of plan on that dude.

Because roast beef is a thinking man.
It is fitting that he opted to avoid direct confrontation.

And he is still raw.

[IMGS OFF]

Hahahaha, what?

man what

I think what you guys mean is

"LOL WUT"

I doubt it.

YES

Wow! I got a shiny new lame from Assetbar just to use on the lolwut pear!

GO BACK TO /b/

but they've been left b e h i n d . . .

Yes heaven forbid I post the LOL WUT pear. How enraged you must be.

Hush up, boy, I'll make it worse...

Make what worse, my neckbeard? Nothing could get any worser.

Except your grammar.

Heh. Mocked for your grammar by a middle-schooler. That's gotta hurt.

Taken to school in the car of pain by someone that can't even drive yet.

Hey, I graduated! I'm a freshman.

Mystery revealed: that Christian calligraphy design site decided to disable hotlinking. Here you are:
[IMGS OFF]

... I don't think you're understanding us maximus.

We have no clue why you are posting this.

I think it's because these past couple comics have been about how terrible of a home life Roast Beef had? Ironically juxtaposed with this charming woodplate.

I can't speak for maximus, but that's how I took it, at least, and I lolled!

[IMGS OFF]

you are CORRECT, sir.

In addition, it is from the weird home calligraphy site featured in yesterday's Photoshop contest.

Continuity, man.

We've all done this at some point in our lives.

Beef is a genius.

One of the cardinal rules on the Norcal Peninsula is don't mess with a man's organic produce. At Whole Foods and Andronico's they taze and ask questions later.

You mess with the arugula, you better be willing to face seven different kinds of shit.

What the devil? This banana smells like tequiza! And that awful taste!
Reginald!! I fear this banana is as artificially fertilized as my womb!
Have you been picking from the wrong bin again?!?

Dammit, Corliss, don't start with that organic crap again. SPLUT! Woman, I swear to God, if you smack me with them bananas one more time, there's gonna be trouble. Now shut up and pass the meth. SPLUT!

hehe at my old job we had a customer come in who had spilled wine on his PowerBook. this became known as 'The most yuppie problem ever.' Muffy, I've spilt wine on my PowerBook! That was an '87 Cabernet!
"Accidentally bit non-organic banana" I think is right up there too, for Yuppie Probs.

It could get yuppier. The Powerbook could have shorted out and burned a hole in the seat of his Beemer.

Your yuppie stereotypes are like 20 years out of date. Now your more accurate yuppie car would be a Mini Cooper (non-vintage) or Prius.

A Prius, sure, but the Coop isn't much more than a step up from a Mazda3 or a Civic. If we're going for ostentatiously ecological we could place the wine-dribbling yuppie in a smart car?

Awww, that's darling, but you can't get them in the USA. That would be a yuppie hit, I am sure, at least in certain zip codes in LA and SF, if they ever managed to import it here.

Can't get them in the USA, but you can buy them and have them shipped over to the states. There's a few smart cars zipping around the techie region where I work.

"Can't get them in the USA, but you can buy them and have them shipped over to the states. There's a few smart cars zipping around the techie region where I work. "

You could buy one and probably mail it to the states?

We've got a a dealership in Milwaukee...

Tiniest...showroom...ever...

http://www.smartcenterboston.com/

They do exist. This one is down the street from my office. I drive past it every day. In my Prius.

You guys should drag.

Pink slips, buddy!! And I don't mean the one from your job at the dot-com!

[IMGS OFF]

fan-fucking-tastic!

Knoxville has a bunch of them too. My... my boss bought one.

I meant to reply, not waste a chubby on this: I live in freaking OKLAHOMA and have seen two in use. They are not a good buy compared to say, a Toyota Yaris, but they can be had.

I'm a little weirded out by the number of Okies on this board. I count at least four of us, and probably more. How the hell are there so many of us here? Of all the posting locations in all the world, why are there so many of us who think three dollars is a good price for wine?

I know of 6 OK residents (I'm a 2003 immigrant) and one TU alumna who have posted here within the past 6 months. There are almost certainly more. It's weird, alright. There is a large Facebook group of Achewood fans with OU students for Admins. Theory: Achewood is in California. California and Oklahoma have had, historically, A Thing. Therefore, many Okies like Achewood.

because yr dad didn't teach ya how to noodle!

HEY. Hey.

I will have you know that I believe good prices for a glass of wine start at $4.95, good sir.

Buck fiddy for Boone's Farm.

I once came upon some Boones Farm on clearance at a Walgreens for 50 cents. I still had no desire to buy it.

How odd. I've heard several people complain how much they wanted one (on account of the cuteness, not eco-friendliness) but couldn't get one. I don't understand since I like to drive fast. Perhaps the oppressive and arbitrary hand of California state gubmint prevents the importation of microcars. Either that or Oklahoma is way ahead of the curve in the importation of tiny cars, like it is with stealing basketball teams.

Perish the thought that you don't know what you're talking about.

I've seen two smart cars in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We can't possibly be ahead of San Francisco on this one.

I have seen one in one of the smallest, po-dunkiest towns in Kansas..

They're handy for driving from the crew-cab door to the tailgate on your Ford F-9000.

The Smart Car
'Cause you sure as shit hain't walkin'

I am sorry people of Kansas. I know that you do not all drive enormous pickups. But indulge me and imagine a little red German smartcar rattling around in the bed of a huge, jet-black American pickup. Or strapped to the gun rack.

I am sorry people of Kansas. I know that you do not all have gun racks.

Some of them don't even have 'a' gun!

Now that I simply refuse to believe.

No, really though, I didn't intend to turn that into a shot at Kansasans. Kansans. Kans-asians. Whatever. Mostly it was the thought of having a car accessory to go with your main car, like a little runabout on a larger boat. It just happened to be initiated by the thought of a Smart Car tooling through the streets of a tiny town, the man who won it on the radio uncomfortably rubbing the back of his neck. Phrase that Pays my ass.

Oh man, if I had chubbies to give right now, you'd get them all.

Man, you a pussy.

Fuck Kansas in the ass.

I agree with both of you.
Or at least, I dig this and the last line of scenther's image.

Let alone many guns, which would necessitate an entire rack to hold them.

[IMGS OFF]

I have a rack, but no guns.

I have the mightiest of guns, perhaps they could meet your rack. Also, I have assorted other survivalist things that I could make some creepy remark about if you are interested. It's all here in this pamphlet.

Picture of hedonismbot:

[IMGS OFF]

My tits are a lot bigger than that, and my dangle is visible from 48 feet away. Pretty close on the hair and crazy part though

Hedonismbot or the dr. gonzo sex tape?

Who says there is a difference?

FAILED

I am grinning so large right now because of this pic and caption. Would that I had a chubby left.

I meant the pic of Wayne and his guitar! I really need to scroll down before commenting. Yikes.

Yes, please don't smile at the naked man. IT only encourages his nakedness.

Huge slam on Kansas out of nowhere!

SF is straight FULL of smart cars.

Nothing in SF is straight.

I didn't see any the last couple of times I was up there. But the last time I was in the City it was a cold and somewhat drizzly day, so maybe the smart cars were huddled together next to a fire somewhere.

i thought those cars were supposed to help with less emittance of greenhouse gases...

Seen em in Austin. They are SO COOL.

FUCK I'm a nerd.

They are the only vehicle that does not require auto insurance. FACT. You hit so much as a bicycle in one of those, you gonna die.

(yes, this comment is slightly orphaned, I'm sorry)

In my experience the Mazda 3 is very much a yuppie car. Something about the bright colours and Mazda's youthful image, combined with it costing less than the RX8 I guess.

my daughter spilled lemonade on my wife's 2-day-old MacBook. All we could do was watch helplessly as the citric acid ate through the circuitry

Someone must have filed it to the cultural bin.

He took it out of the cultural bin.

Ok, I feel bad. (hides head and prepares for lame-ness)

Man, Pat is gonna be so pissed when he peels that banana and sees that it's not all shriveled and infested with woodlice.

I once saw a grocery store here with a sign at the checkstands that said something like "To protect the organic integrity of your produce, we advise that you wipe the conveyor belt with a cloth before putting your food on it."

I mean, I'll cop to having a slight hippie streak, but I think if I saw someone do that I may have to go Ramses on them.

It seems as though Showbiz has been safely removed from the picture without grievous bodily harm(not counting the Prison Ass-Pound we have all come to know and fear)and the marriage may continue without his interference.

I can hear the sighs of the Assetbar denizens who had been wishing a painful death on Showbiz already. Kudos, Onstad.

This strip deserves no less than a 5, if only for Corliss.

Screw you creepy .wav file! Fuck you!

chub

:-) thanks you I will post it again with new avicon in case people ignore other one alreayd here a song for kitty

I'll be back to ignore you after I finish the rest of the comments, asswipe.

Good god, how often does he make a new account? I'm getting sick of this.

It's like you're reading my mind, man! Get outta there!

Something about a 59 year old dude calling a guy on the internet an "asswipe" is just so beautiful it brings a joyful tear to my baby blues.

Thanks. As a 1960's teen, that was our name for the local A&W drive-in.

"Hey Bud, wanna come down to the asswipe with me for a rootbeer float tonight?"

"Sorry Jim, I got a date to the big school dance."

????

It's almost as if you were there.

What would you do if i sang out of tune? would you stand up and walk out on me... oh lend me your ears

etc etc,

I get high with a little help from my friends.

yes.

thansk 4 da song, respec, respec

Shame on the Zakis
Who tried to run game on the Zakis.

Oh God. The 'Zakis? You made him sound like the main character of a no account sitcom from times long past. For shame dogg. For shame.

Your Wu-Tang reference is the only thing keeping you from a lame but it ain't enough to garner a chubby.

This is the way I feel about ______'s comments - he says something insightful reasonably often, but he hides it in a dozen paragraphs of utter Lame and I might consider chubbying him if he would drop the crap.

I guess that amounts to saying "if he were less annoying I would chubby him"

gasps What if it's just a clever ruse, and he will suddenly drop the annoying act and his chubbies will spike so hard someone loses an eye?

Think of the eyes, people - don't chubby aiu

Roast Beef will certainly bail him out in time for the wedding.

Clearly you have missed the most devious plottery which Roast Beef has undertaken, in that he does not want to bail out Showbiz. So Roast Beef will not be able to attend (and hence ruin) said matrimony. It is a plot fiendish in it's intricacies.

>...Roast Beef has undertaken, in that he does not want to bail out Showbiz.
>...So Roast Beef will not be able to attend (and hence ruin) said matrimony.

huh

are you drunk or did you mean to say Showbiz

The two are not mutually exclusive, you know.

I don't think so...

Quote:

One witness said that he, "did not expect the [man] to make bail."

[man] implying that's not the word Beef used. Clever, that Onstad.

Damnit, I need to start looking down more often.

You might find a whole world of excitement down there. I know I did.

So I guess messing with produce IS a thing. I am still not sure what Tequiza is.
/ Hurray! I got in before there was 9 million comments!

It is like a beer, but it is also a state of mind.

It is not a good state of mind and will, as shown here, get you arrested.

Man, that Showbiz sure is a son of a [woman].

you beat me to it, you mother[man].

What are you [People of Alternate Sexuality] doing?

you should all go [sin against your own bodies]

[intercourse] you, [sphincter]!

I'll see you in [warm post-life locale that is home to the eternally [darned]]

No [incomplete erections] for any of you!

Shit, I can't play this fucked up game!

Look who's being a [phallus] about terms!

Okay, I get it. [Have carnal knowledge of] you and the horse you rode in on.

That made me laugh too much for it to be right.

I blame you for me watching QI all day instead of doing my uni work.

[spiritual leader's condemnation], can you do anything [without losing small children]?

You're [intercourse]ing a website. No [confectionery treats] for you.

? What is slang for an incomplete erection?

A semi-mongrel.

I still don't get it.

Chubby.

That's what she said.

Eight-incher.

When there is no room in [heck] the [darned] shall walk the earth

Surely I can't be the only one who imagines Showbiz's voice to be the same as Michaelangelo's from the late 80's TMNT cartoon?

Haha, nice. Now I'm going to be imagining that every time he talks.

I didn't figure he sounded all that forced-surferish. I was thinking more along the lines of the dudes from FUBAR, but then I'm from there, so all the voices I imagine sound kinda like that.

Showbiz would most likely have gone for the organic carrots next.

I prefer to go mix up the different coloured capsicums, or the carrots/parsnips in the hope of tricking the colour-blind.

Fuck that -- it's all about mixing up the toothbrushes so the prices are all wrong.

Oh, you thought that two-pack for 1.99 was a good deal?

Well it's 2.58, bitch!

all 2 dollar bill in hand, so excited that this one had those extra bristles! and then... the embarassment that creeps across his face as he tries to find 60 cents to make up the difference.

oh priceless

See here's a guy who knows what he's talking about.

Coming up 60 cents short puts the customer in an awkward situation -- as well as the cashier!

Cashier all thinking whether he should just let the guy pay $2, but he might get fired. The customer's eyes are all pleading "please don't make me go home and use my toothbrush which looks like Gary Busey".

Nobody is happy when I strike the grocery store.

You know your toothbrush needs replacing when it begins to look like Gary Busey. Also maybe you need to lay off the acid.

That seems like something from Lyle's copy of the anarchist cookbook. Either that or Showbiz is really half-assing operation mindfuck.

Showbiz half-asses everything

...except shower time...

When I first read this strip, I was confused as to whether Showbiz was merely belching, or whether he was saying Braaaap in that obnoxious way that chavs do. Indeed, I am still conflicted as to whether he is merely expelling gases, or is expressing his delight at expelling said gases.

There are no chavs in Northern California. Everyone there is super classy. Chavs are a thing of the island of little shopkeepers.

I read that as little shoplifters, which is highly appropriate as that's exactly what most chavs are.

True. Re: Wikidictionary

chav (plural chavs) (UK, pejorative) A working-class youth, especially one associated with aggression, poor education, and a perceived "common" taste in clothing and lifestyle.

I wouldn't go to that part of town if I were you; it's full of chavs.

Origin uncertain (see discussion page); probably of Romani origin. Compare Romani chavi (%u201C%u2018male child%u2019%u201D), chavo (%u201C%u2018female child%u2019%u201D), chal (%u201C%u2018boy%u2019%u201D), chavvy (%u201C%u2018mate, friend%u2019%u201D); possible cognate with Spanish chaval.

Ooops! %u201C%u2018 equals a quotation mark

[insert a threaded fastener into] you, BBcode! [KNOW CARNALLY] YOU!

YES

Chav originonates in geordie dialect, where a Charva was a generic insult with a plethora of connotations, though it became settled on working class persons who wore sports clothing and behaved disreputably.

there are PLENTY of chavs in arizona....

actually, chemos

He's burping. Note the vibration lines on his cheeks and the arrow of his speech balloon.

Also note Showbiz's finger reinforcing his burped acknowledgement of his being in shape for downing Tequizas.

There is a cloud of visible gas coming out of his mouth so I'm going with actual burp.

Molly might insist on getting married in jail when she finds out about these things.

"Hnyaaah!" I am now certain that this is a stoner expression of jocularity, especialy with the added "y." Also, it's never good to be "the guy from the printout."

It reminds me of the Japanese meow: nyaa. I say this as neither an otaku nor a furry, just a special kind of nerd

Yeah sure you aren't, you wapanese furry. ;)

I thought that an otaku was precisely a special kind of nerd. Or do you just mean you are not Japanese?

"Otaku" literally means "nerd," but here in the States it connotes a certain air of wapanesery. Especially if the otaku refers to himself as an otaku.

The Japanese have the weirdest onomatopoeia.

Wait... i thought meow was the one thing all languages had in common...

Not all languages. In Chinese cats are still all "CHING CHONG CHING CHONG!"

no, anitrophaeron, you couldn't possibly be more wrong they're all like "CHING CHONG WING WONG"

Actually, it's "Mao"
So Chairman mao was a cat?

chairman MEOW was a cat, lol

I think you mean, " charemn meow ws kat,lol"

I'm beginning to think that some people quoting Blister's "CHING CHONG" line have taken it from ironic reference to actual racism.

Is Seth MacFarlene doing the Archie Bunker thing, or is he just feigning context to let out those barroom jokes he found particularily quotable�

Archie Bunker? Peter! that reminds me of the time when you were Archie Bunker's wetnurse...

cue cutaway gag.

Yeah, that's racist.

sorry to offend, anitrophaeron paraphrasing Blister just reminded me of that pic...I didn't even make it. Also I forgot about the all the anti-lolcat sentiment on this board.

I knew Onstad probably wouldn't do what the readers expected him to do. But to tell you the truth, I still would've preferred to see Ramses take care of Showbiz. Not to say that it would have been more fitting, but it would've been a lot more satisfying.

Oh my lands! A burp cloud. Love it.

It's totes a Foxtrot-style cloud - awesome.

I wonder if Molly knows just what Beef does for her. The dude us straight-up noble.

Man, my sister's fiance is very Showbizian...I wonder if getting him incarcerated would save the wedding from being a total wreck.

So you are wondering whether incarcerating the groom will render the wedding more or less wrecked? Would they just start without him?

What do you think the best man's for?

They don't even have to change the wording.

"Do you take this man..."

hedonismbot more like seinfeldismbot amirite?

The best man is to make sure you show up, isn't he?

I thought he was there to make the bridesmades feel good about themselves by nailing them in order of how upset they are about still being unwed.

Man, i'm supposed to be a bridesmaid, and i'm fuckawful terrified of what his friends are going to be like. All spittin' snuff into their cummerbunds, all stealing all the forks to glue together to make a skirt-lifter-majigger...

My feelings on this whole mess are con.

Look, sorry, but as a bridesmaid you HAVE to put out. It's in the contract. Just imagine how poor Teodor feels.

As great as that comment was, it was probably the last thing she needed to hear.

Feelings on this asset are, with no lack of hesitation, decidedly con.

Fuck, just remembered she's 17. Ahem. Charchar, you have an excellent avatar and a good head on your shoulders. Those boys are nothing but trouble out there, and you need to stay smart around them. You have a good life ahead of you young lady, now get out to that wedding and make us proud. (I wish I could borrow Pogo's avatar for this one)

I was a bridesmaid at 16 for my sister's wedding, and the best man was 45. But hey, I was cool with it, everyone has to make bad decisions at a wedding sometime.

I need to go to more weddings.

The groom is making a bad decision at the wedding every time

I would suggest some kind of weaponry in event of the use of a skirt-lifter majigger. Always bring a knife to a skirt-lifter-majigger fight. They try to lift one of your skirts, you put one of them in the hospital. They try to nail one of you, you put one of them in the morgue.

That sounds like my kinda weddin'!

Me all over in the back drinking Budweisers, laughin' at sex criminals gettin' punked.

Get a dress with pockets. Make a small shiv that will hide within your bridesmaids bouquet.

I lived through a wedding once, as a bridesmaid. I tell you, I was hell of happy to have that shiv.

I always thought the purpose of the best man was to wait until the last second and silently hand the rings to the groom before purposefully strutting out into an open field where the sun is just starting to set, producing a guitar from nowhere, and shredding one of the best solos ever.

someone chubby this! chubby this comment for a man!

I gotcha. I never noticed that about the guitar in question before. It does magically appear out of thin air! Also magic: the church is way bigger on the inside than the outside.

There's a point to all of this. Slash's forsaking of the well-attended, expensive pomp inside the church for its isolated, rustic exterior, as well as the immediate change of his wardrobe from a tuxedo and top hat to an open leather vest shows that beneath the outward trappings of community and ceremony, man's true nature is forever to be untamed and isolated - a fact made fully explicit by the end of the video. Yet his still being there for his friend at the crucial moment despite his obvious distaste for such extravagance reaffirms the importance of the bonds between individual Men, even in the face of the realization that each of us is condemned to be alone.

Damn, dude I just always thought it was a sweet solo and stuff, you gone and went all smart on that shit.

Note that this would also be true to the literal meaning of "best man."

[IMGS OFF]

HUGE groin shot out of nowhere.

WHAT'S HAPPENING AHHHHH~

Should have gone with the Action Jeans: [IMGS OFF]

I dunno.. the Slash groin shot you can see flesh in the middle, and it scares me. And, ya know, Chuck Norris scares me.

Vchubbed

DAMMIT MISCLICK!

I have a couple of Bohemias in me; I am so sorry.

Better than a couple of Bohemians, I suppose. Unless you're Dr. Manflesh.

I was kind of hoping we could all just look real classy while chowing down in a church.

*Showbese?

no...
no.

I love the shift manager at the Lucky. He reminds me of Aaaarthur, in that I just want to hug him. Also, he has excellent "swivels" in his turning around.

Roast Beef is the man with the plan.

Aww man...I was really hoping RLS to be the one to fix Showbiz's little red wagon.

By the way, did Rowboat get hit by a truck? I haven't seen him comment in a while.

Someone took him to school.

In the car of pain. Sources say it was his mom.

Rowboat got ate by a gator.

Rowboat has died of dysentery.

HERE LIES ROWBOAT
"PEPPERONI AND ANCHOVIES"

This is suspiciously close to mine own joke, but for those of you under approx. 22 years old, here's what I was going for:

[IMGS OFF]

one of my friends put 'pepperoni and cheez' on his tombstone.

and guess what?? it's still ~~delicious~~hilarious!

My granny was eaten by a gator once. Not cool. Not fu...
...whatever, had to follow up on what I perceived as a possible Tony Joe White reference.

The faces in panel six say so much.

all surprised at the sudden appearance of a perceived Hagar-style awesomeness

all melancholy upon nearing the execution of preemptive betrayal

Hahaha. Roast Beef, way to go bro. Onstad, so many strips in so little time... brilliant!

This strip was a bit confusing for me until I realized that in other states they really do let you buy beer and bananas at the same store.

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