When a Lady Does a :(

When a Lady Does a :( 11/26/2007 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Baby, tell little ol' Ray why we goin' to Olive Garden! It my birthday?

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Do a man's bowels sound different?

Or for those with less polite digestive systems:
:{}

Does anybody else feel inclined to say an :( instead of a :( ?

And what would an :) be?

A: a hard-on, obviously.

:@ see a doctor

if it's a :(, it's a girl fart
if it's a :|, it's a guy fart
if it's a :@, call Dr. Andretti 455-2123

I tend to do a >:(|

Are you british? And about thirty now?

I'm British and about 24 tomorrow.

Mine are usually >:O>-<

I have a tendency to OGC

Jack off guy is supposed to be furious, man! >:OGC

That would look amazing if this board supported Kannada script!

well post an image I won't be able to sleep now

[IMGS OFF]

that won't really help my sleeping situation

[IMGS OFF]

Holy fuck, it just ocurred to me that I can actually read this after my trip to India. Wacky internet faces, your secrets are mine!

Weeping butt-eyes?

don't ask me why...but all I can see here for eyes are crying penises.

Don't worry

I see them too

Every time I close my eyes now

It is kind of sad that I cannot create BETTER crying penis eyes with just ascii.

It GALLS me that I must resort to such fancy characters.

The best use of a Dravidian Brahmic Script ever.

It's like the difference between a newborn baby and a cow pie. They're both disgusting, but one is gross in a beautiful way.

yeah, cow pies are pretty sweet.

...all this, and Dumbledore is gay.

Wow! It just feels so freeing to confess it!

Dumbledore discovered he was gay while boning your mother.

Mad chubbies for the term "bowel vocals." It made me envision the larynx located snugly inside the rectum. For a gay linguistics major like me, that combo is a dream come true!

Oh god, I'm so sorry, I just made myself shudder%u2026

I would assume fricatives, bilabials, and even phyringicals (sp? it's been a while) would be easy, but a glottal stop would be very difficult. Nasals would be impossible, as would most clicks.

It would be an isolate language. Let's hope, anyway.

Hopefully not related to Basque and Korean?

That's how North Korea got into the Axis of Evil. Kim Jong-il tried to explain that that's just how his language sounds, but Bush was having none of it. Then Saddam Hussein just started openly farting, which made Bush angrier and angrier. Apparently it was his "worst birthday ever."

Someone give honesttom many chubbies. I am way too friendly already :(

Done and done!

Friendly enough to :( in front of us?

Well, if it was related to either of those, it wouldn't be an isolate language now would it?

Chubby from me just because I work for speech therapists and it makes me feel clever that I know what those terms mean.

Make it into a spoonerism and you get "vowel bocals."

I don't know what a bocal is, but I probably wouldn't like one much.

You certainly are a shining wit, Mr. Norman.

oh my god have you seen that movie about the woman with the throat in her clitoris

Plus it uses a colon, which is appropriate.

Man, maybe Tina had a constant but wicked case of pimp skitters and needed Ray to bring that towel, huh?

Towl, more like.

666. The "Beelzebutt"
The lady does a :( in a public setting and you feign a demonic possession to cover it up.

#69.
The lady does a :(
You get a :)

Dear Diary: today I learned a wonnerful thing.

"Colonopenparenthasis"?

We can only assume you meant 'enunciated', unless you were trying to make some bizarre pun on the Annunciation, which could have earned you a few odd score of chubbies for blasphemy, I suppose.

Which, now that I discover that the Annunciation is called 'Lady Day' in the UK, gives a completely odd resonance to the title of this strip.

Universe, you are freaking me out.

Both involve colons.

you can always count on dr. manflesh to pull something like that that out of his desirous ass.

And actually, it wasn't that good for the relationship that he got took to Olive Garden. She wasn't there ten minutes but she was holdin' hands with some greasy guy in the dumpster out back

the alt text reads like Rustmouth sold out and did a commercial jingle.

Dr. Manflesh, you have come back.

In full effect.

he is cold chillin. in full effect.

Oh god let us not revisit that controversy.

This strip made me do a :)

27. The "Damn punks"
You're sitting in the lounge, peacefully reading separate sections of the newspaper on a Sunday morning. She does a :(

SOLUTION: Immediately throw down the paper, open the window and yell at some "damn punks" down the street for working on their motorcycles so early in the morning.

(haha rare Mr Bean DVD)

I wonder if "rare Mr Bean dvd" means "a dvd where Mr Bean doesn't talk." He just putters mutely about England on his little shenaningans, occasionally pausing to do a :)

Whoops. Ignore that.

A blank comment once made cannot be unmade retinarow

The bigger question is has Beef done a :( around Molly? I know one dude who's been married 7 years and has never :('d around his wife...

I think Beef is pretty adament that Molly should never know that his body can create such odors.

Chubby for putting "SOLUTION" in italics.
:(

Pardon me.

Ray is ready for anything you can throw at him, ladies.

to earn a trip to olive garden, you must have been offended the equivalent of 15 dollars, or 17 seconds of unpleasant scents and awkward silence

Is Ray putting up weight?

No, but he may be putting it on.

Thanksgiving was a hard time for Ray.

He is looking hell of tubby yo

hear hear

Nah, I made some calls, and it turns out he ain't.

Well, it had to stay somewhere, and now that Teodor's gone all Parkour, it had no one else to turn to.

So that's why ladies love to go shoppin'. Not because they enjoy it, but because they need to pass all that gas they got backed up. It makes so much sense now.

You had me until "unique aroma," which just sounded a little creepy.

87: THE "ASSETBAR"
You are posting on an Internet message forum, when your lady does a :(

SOLUTION: Give her a "Chubby." This is supportive, and reassuring

:(

wait, it doesn't work if she's just a lady and not your lady, does it? oh poop. excuse me.

Oh good, maybe you can tell me. I was wondering what a ;( would be.

That would be a shart.

I think the strained look suggests it's that thing when you've been holding it in for ages and ages, and then when you finally decide let it out you can't.

Am I the only one that's happened to?

"How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first available opportunity, only to find the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? .... The doctors agree the fart is neither released or absorbed. It simply migrates back up into the intestine and comes out later."

Right below that we find:

How can one cover up a fart?
There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odor of farts. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill.
As for the sound... if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart.
Address the problem of farting loudly in a public restroom as follows: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your butt hole and it will muffle the farting; my friends and I call it the 'Buff Muff'!
Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.

My coworker tries to cover his up with a cough. It never works.

A ;( is when your lady queefs.

eeeeeeeewww

this is a fake concept

You should see Ray's gameplan to get out of buying feminine products.

what's a Letterman wok?

David Letterman's a late night TV show host based in New York City. The woks are a separate reference.

I would lame you for missing [what I hope was] a joke there, but I'm all out of lames. How does one get more lames? Seems I never have any.

You win one if you can correctly decipher whether or not It Will Float.

What are we playing for tonight professorhazard?

A BRAND-NEW GEORGE FOREMAN LEAN MEAN GRILLIN' MACHINE

/split-second picture of said product

tina, haven't heard that name in awhile. apparently she left more of a scar than we all thought.

She was also apparently an extremely flatulent house cat.

Just make sure you never become the guy who gets a ;/

...a blumpkin?

42. THE G-G-G-GHOST
Your lady has encouraged you to spend the night with her in a haunted house. She does a :(

SOLUTION: Turn to her with one eyebrow raised. In a level tone of voice, ask her whatever happened to Dan Aykroyd's career.

I just finished reading every last achewood until this very day.

my eyes/liver/molars hurt

Wow. What a lovely Sunday afternoon/evening...

I chubbied you for the sweet Pipboy avatar, and if it was possible to give you two chubbies I'd throw in another one for reading the whole of Achewood. I find it's a good thing to do about once a year.

We should be thankful it's not possible to have two chubbies. The entire infrastructure of your pants would have to be redesigned, descending the fashion industry into chaos.

Also, two cocks.

It'd look like a squid down there.

I've seen pictures. They are on the internet if you want to look at them, I'm not supplying the link due to the extreme bleugh of the entire idea. It ain't pretty.

D: Why would people do that???? :(
Whoo, excuse me.

I have seen those pictures. They always pick the porn stars with the most vapid expressions to receive multiple Photoshopped cocks. I suppose that's fair; I suppose the squid-cocked dudes can't get a whole lot of blood flow to the brain.

The previous commenter is not talking about photoshop.

Cthulucock!

On first reading of that comment, I really thought it said "molars". Which would have been interesting.

what

You fool, you need to CONCENTRATE!

it does.

yeah, turns out I meant to say "Morals"

Your use of BBcode made me do a :(

Your describing me as a main guy who does not let a :( get me down makes me do a :)

His comment made you break wind?

It can happen. Leave me alone.

Damn straight I'll leave you alone. Your avatar looks like it's in sempiternal :(

Daaamn, somebody just step on a burrito at this place?
Also, that is Ash, from Army of Darkness. That's right; I am a Guy On The Internet who recognizes Ash From Army Of Darkness. :D

That is all guys on the internet. Ash from Army of Darkness is a main thing of guys on the internet.

A main thing of gals on the internet as well.
I often find myself trying to think of a song to which Ash would be bobbing his head.

'Ashes to Ashes' by David Bowie? Heyoh!

No one really believes there are gals on the internet.

The Internet: where the men are boys, the women are men, and the twelve year old girls are FBI agents.

I really wish I could take credit for this, or give credit to who first said such. All I can say is it's not mine.

Dang, you didn't even do your HTML properly, all forgetting to close the bold code.

RIP 138

You will go wanting.

You are not the master of the internet you claim to be.

Should I have started that comment with "Clearly" or ended it with "young Grasshopper," the better to telegraph the comedic, not-about-DrSkradley intent?

It is my hope you will find such a man, so that you might be happy, and I might seal you both in a Ziploc bag for the good of the rest of humanity.

I think Ray's body is getting longer. Maybe his arms are shorter, I dunno. Something about him looks odd in those first two panels.

I thought so too. His arms actually look a little longer to me in the first panel, and he looks sort of out-of-proportion to Beef for some reason. Might just be me.

His body is perhaps further accepting the fact that he is a man of gravity.

On the rare occasion that it happens to me, it always comes out as a >: D

For me, it's more of a X-O

That one looks quite unpleasant, but I assure you, it isn't like that, baby.

I did the "Lost In Thought" once, but not on purpose. I really did think she said something.

"Did you say something?"
"No, I farted."

I don't even know what my response would be.

[Zero Mostel]OOPS! Say OOPS![/Zero Mostel]

your avatar makes your quotes that much better.

chubbied.

Tina was quite a flatulent woman. Look how kind Ray is by making so many excuses, but ultimately, it was an issue that would divide their love. A curse for Ray, a blessing for Mantonio, however.

141 basic moves? What's the advanced course like?

It's intense.

Covers the flatus cycle, makeup of your average flatus and aberrations therein, and field work based on hanging around ladies doing :('s all the damn day. The basic course is sufficient for your layman, in my opinion.

Goes on to conjecturing how well a solidified flatus would or would not serve as a dinner plate.

It also gives the status of the average morning flatus.

is Ray's incomplete head outline freaking anybody else out?

what

The woman was basically a set of bowels with hornrims.

51. "The Enlightened Man"
You are writing your memoirs in the study. She is dusting a 16th century Johannes Sch�ner globe. She does a :(.
Solution: Look out the window. Calmly say: "That either happened or it didn't. I have no strong feelings either way. I am free."

Yes.

Latterman, you are the Snoop Dogg of my Magritte Duras obsession.

That would be "Marguerite Duras." I lame myself

For a non-punch-line comic, Achewood has some pretty great punch-lines.

man olive garden is horrible ray should know this

I'm sure he does. Tina seems to have liked the place. Also, picking up artifacts from gay magicians' garage sales there.

ray's tummy is starting to do a :(

These are the basic techniques, most of the advanced techs are deceptively simple, involving coughing or dropping a cast iron pan at the moment of :(

The main skill required is of course, the correct prediction of the :(, a skill not easily learnt.

Ray hired that guy who claims to be the last remaining ninja to teach him this art.

Dude I love Mr Bean.

And Onstad did saith that, lo, the breaking of wind by a woman shall henceforth be referred to as "doing a :(." And it was good.

I'm beginning to understand why Ray never seriously pursued a relationship with Tina.

172. "DAMN LEATHER CHAIR"
You are sitting on a leather sofa orcar seat. She does a :(

SOLUTION: Quickly shift yourself on the seat to a more upright or different position. Comment on the squeaky nature of the material.

This one I'm sure most of us have done ourselves, either to distract from a lady's :( or a :P of our own.

The difference between Achewood and anything else: It handles fart humor with the utmost class.

We may never know what Tina did to Ray. And neither will he, as he was asleep for it.

94. "SHOE FRICTION"
You are walking along a hallway with a non-carpet type of flooring. She does a :(

SOLUTION: Pause, and look at your shoes. Rub the sole of your shoe against the floor in a kicking motion, as if to reproduce the sound. Shrug and move on.

67. Projection

You are at Olive Garden, she does a :(.

Turn to the nearest fat guy and give him a stern frowning at. Do not worry about finding a fat guy. Fat guys are the largest demographic at Olive Garden.

I know they could have gone to Olive Garden before, but it would seem more fitting to have this one as 142.

Why am I analyzing the appropriate order of a cartoon cat's catalogue of solutions to his lady doing a :(?

I am fat. I can attest to both the accuracy of the statement and the efficacy of the technique.

So is Ray; he's getting pretty chunkety-ass if you ask me.

I am writing to acknowledge and express my appreciation for "largest demographic" in your comment dated 11/26/07

61. Silver Squeak.
You are in the movie theater, considerately watching some tedious literary chick-bait adaptation like 'Atonement'. During a lull (if such movies may be said to have lulls) she does a :(

You turn about, put your finger to your lips and furiously shush an unseen moviegoer, glowering all the while.

The final line of panel three is the best, yet it somehow remains subtle in its delivery. That is such a great conversation killer, especially with the stronger emphasis on "DING," which really punches home the point: "Sir, we are finished here. Fuck along, now."

my girlfriend farts all the time. she got me basically in the face last night when i was giving her a massage.

That's cold as ice.

Before we were married, my wife and I lived together. We lived together 2 years before I saw her go to the bathroom to poop.

I don't know about you fancy-pants californians, but when I visited a wok factory the wok makers went about their craft with the utmost dignity and silence. At the end a small man showed me a new wok on a flame. He dropped a small piece of chicken into the centre, and it's sizzling made me weep.

virtual chubby from too friendly a man

Roast Beef's attempt to dismiss Ray with the assertion that the holidays is not the time to discuss these matters is actually my favorite part of this strip.

A fine attempt, but Roast Beef needs to get better at the art of Leavery if he wants to avoid this sort of conversation with Ray anymore.

DJ Ray Got Pretty Chubby Over Thanksgiving.

191. The Shoddy Mechanic

You are driving in a car, just the two of you, no radio. She does a :(

SOLUTION: Make a concerned comment about the condition of the automobile, i.e., "I think the AC belt is slipping again, it could get stuffy in here." Roll the windows down. If this is too obvious, suggest a more serious automotive issue and stop the car to inspect it.

332. THE "DOWN IN FLAMES"
You and the lady are on a long-distance bus, traveling through a land rich in fossil fuel deposits. It is four hours to your destination. She does a :(

Solution:Look out the opposite window and point out that you have just passed another sour-gas flare. Then think of the past two years, bite the bullet, and offer her a lit match and a knowing wink. Sit in awkward silence for three and a half hours. Take the bus back alone.

Your pic looks suspiciously like the logo of Mel Gibson's mad production company, devoted to making mad mad movies.

Yes, but it's my eye, not the Theotokos of Vladimir's.

512. The End of the Road
You are going down on the lady. She does a :(

SOLUTION: Nothing can be done to fix this. The relationship is over. Severity of the :( will determine if she will still receive a card at Christmas.

227. "Pool Party"

You and your lady friend are relaxing in a pool. She does a :(

SOLUTION: Stare for a second at the bubbles, then train your gaze fixedly upon the vent nearest to her. Remark that the vent has been doing that randomly for the past week, and you really should get it fixed.

I would be so offended if a guy mistook a :( for my voice.

better than the high pitched, ululating squeal your kind tends to produce.

WOW. There should be an option in between chubby and lame, for comments like these. Equal parts offensive and balls-to-the-wall hilarious.

The solution is to try to balance out the chubby:lame ratio to 1:1

all this talk about :( makes me think of ren and stimpy and how stimpy thought of his fart as his child. then he wept when it went off into the real world. that is a very different kind of cartoon cat. probably the most different.

STINKY!!! Goddamn that was my favorite holiday cartoon. That fart married a fish carcass.

Also, :( is too perfect.

I wonder what is the sort of thing that Roast Beef reads.

Nate Small: One Tough Man.

hey guys I found it! I found the funniest achewood there is!

so nobody has commented on the fact that 141 is titled "Bad Library CUSTOMER"?

hey thanks for chubbying me up right it really makes me feel a bit more confident about voicing my approval for the comic-strip-bowel-movement references on here.

i don't post often

ray has the body language of the guy from slingblade in the first frame

Guess he's been eating too many fried 'taters.

Warning: In real life, WOMEN WILL NOT APPRECIATE #1. Women do not generally find it flattering when you mistake their voice with the sound of a gaseous anal discharge.

I have used at least one of these slick moves.

125. "QUESTION AND ANSWER"
You are on the couch watching TV. She does a :(

SOLUTION:Reach into your pocket and do a :) right back at her. (You will not impress her, but your tummy will feel better)

I have no recollection of writing this.

153. THE "HIJACK"
For whatever reason, you are with a lady and feel unsure in your mastery of techniques 1-152. She does a :(

SOLUTION: Look her straight in the eye, rub your belly, and say "whoa, I am so sorry about that." If she willingly allows you to claim responsibility, you can even bring it up later in a heated argument.

112. THE "PROMISE KEEPER"

You tell your lady that if she ever does another :( in front of your dudes while serving nachos during Monday Night Football that you will divorce her.

She does a :( in front of your dudes while serving nachos during Monday Night Football.

You divorce her.

Right there, in front of the guys. HARDCORE. Simultaneously, they all chug their beers, crush the cans in their hands and raise them in salute, cheering.

unless she's still hot. then they look at you questioningly.

In front of your dudes. Serving nachos. Monday Night Football. :(.

She could not still be hot.

This strip makes Ray seem so pathetic.

Beef has the most ridiculous excuses for not wanting to talk about something.

"come on, dogg, we eatin' hamburgers ."

"dogg, come on, it is the holidays ."

He read them. One hundred and forty-one techniques for dealing with your lady-friend releasing a flatus into the wild... I am not surprised that Ray had such a thing, but slightly surprised that Beef actually read the damn things.

Women go shopping so they don't fart in front of their men.

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When a Lady Does a :( 11/26/2007 « prev 1st rand curr next »

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