YOU MUST LIVE WITHOUT REGRET!!!!

I must live with egrets. They are beautiful.

So must cows.

(it's an otter)

Otter catastrophe.

Whale regret this in the future.

Oh, CLAM UP!

What a crab!

This series of puns has left me more breathless than otter-erotic asphyxiation.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but that is most emphatically a seal.

took awhile, but I finally noticed the glass onion reference

And slower, and you'd be as dumb as me.

I've decided that Glass Onion is the most boring Beatles song ever.

Hey Jude -- It would be boring at 1/3rd the length.

For most padding to a song its a toss-up between Hey Jude and The Boxer.

Although, between the two, the Boxer is a better piece.

Hey, I saw this on the Reddit.

That chart, by the way, sucks. It's not even arcurate. Where's the "Jud-Ju-Ju-Judey-ow-wow-ow-OW!"?

Stick a tack in Paul and you get that part of the song. It cannot be pre-planned.

The Boxer tells a story, which the lyrics advance continuously without repeat. In fact you could hardly even say there's a chorus. It's arguably the least padded song there is. I mean, even Dick's Automotive has a chorus.

I can't lame you, but I wish I could. Hey Jude is a beautiful piece of songwriting and I will beat you to death with Revolver if you say otherwise.

AGH PIECE OF SHIT MORON

GOD DAMMIT SPAULDING!
DOES HE KNOW WHO I AM?
DOES HE KNOW HOW MUCH VOLUME I DO?

Which puts it behind 99% of John Lennon's solo discography.

This has become a strip about boring beetles.

[IMGS OFF]

Joh, Pau, and Geor.

//o-o\\ (o>o) d%u0CA0.%u0CA0b (%u25D4.%u25D4)

I just know Assetbar isn't going to show these proper.

[IMGS OFF]

well it got it all apart from the indic one, including the pie charts, so... that's good, i guess? i mean, it's a step up.

also john looks like an angry owl.

//o-o\\ is not an angry owl!

Indic? Pie charts? Good?

"glabripennis"

Just saying.

But where is Gregor?

I've decided most of the fourth side of the White Album is the most boring song ever.

The Long and Winding Road.

song is SO BORING.

It's so hard being mad at you when I'm looking at your avatar.

Heehee! Puppet :3

Here come the lames, little darling.

lamed for writing about lames

o cruel world

I would indeed far prefer the silence of the lames.

Ask not for whom the Lamer Lames
He lames for Thee.

your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Well. Your rod anyway.

isn't your rod also your staff?

For some reason, I never imagined rods to be comforting. But I have Special Circumstances.

What about staffs? Would you be comforted by my staff?

How would you like to take a position on my staff?

Groucho Marx meets Ron Jeremys.
Ooh-er, fnar fnar missus.

his eyebrows, they are so thick
his cigar, so firm

Don't worry, it's just a cigar.

This, is not.

Do I detect a viz reference?

if so its dreadully apt, the publication turns 30 this week.

More like Carry On, Terry & June, The Good Life et al.
Although I do a good Roger Melly impersonation when I'm driving.

Staves.

too soon

Hey man, retire the avatar. We ain't flag-wavers here, but you've stepped over a line.

is this better? (you might have to ctrl-refresh to force a reload of your cache... try hovering over it, that might work too)

I'm not going to put you on 'ignore', but only to see how fast you are placed on the auto-ignore list.

Ah, It's U.

I didn't recognise you at first. Peace be with you.

The last two paragraphs were actually pretty funny.

"Munley was not affected by Hasan's ritualistic pagan chants"
Quote from Wikipedia:
"In its broadest definition, pagan denotes all non-Abrahamic religions, that is to say it denotes all religions other than Judaism, Christianity, and Islam."
Other than Islam. Do your research mate. And if you're gonna be shocking, at least be funny...

But it tried so hard.

Said the customer to the owner of the angling shop.

Jeez, this place really went to hell in a hand basket. It's probably just hovering slightly above YouTube comment integrity right now.

I'm hovering slightly above your mother.

Worst comment ever

[IMGS OFF]

I don't think that guy can slightly hover over anything.

We're missing cpnglynchos' highbrow sarcasm.

I know, right? What about a couple days' downtime caused so many people to try way too hard to be funny?

assetbar is back. but at what cost?

See: FR1ST POTS!!!!!

i pots my frist real nice

::large radioactive cat eats buildings::

A bit like this?

[IMGS OFF]

I was thinking more like this

The Goodies vs. Monty Python:
Round 1 - FIGHT!

Tag line: British atomic-mutated cats, best in the world!

Vodka Colonic, shaken, not stirred.

I'll stick 007 inches of my dick up your colon.

So you're going to have anal sex with him one and a half times?

I think it means his dick is 1 and half inches long.

a

b

c

d: none of the above

And what I meant is he's a two pump chump.

Will it form a Bond between the two of you? Are you shaken not stirred at the prospect?

Bizarro Ray is more concerned about the county's hand-held device law than its sodomy laws.

Also, cat-sized cars? Pfft.

wait...if thats Bizarro Ray whats normal Ray like?

Normal Ray is a quiet, stay-at-home sort of fellow who lives with his mother and has a nine-to-five job at the paper mill.

Now see, THAT sounds like Bizarro Ray to me.

Bizarro Beef must be a sycophantic.

I think you mean the noun form: "sycophant." (or is it similar in usage to "syphilitic")

actually you meant sickofanfic...

touche'

How ironical!

IT'S LIKE RAYYYY-III-AIIIIIN

ON YOUR WEDDING DAY

IT'S LIKE A FREE RIDE

WHEN YOU ALREADY PAID

this is the best avatar I have ever seen on assetbar.

Spitting image of Alanis, that

Apparently you have not taken the time to read one of my favorite arcs ever.

Or that was sarcasm. In that case, you have my apologies, and still have a link to one of my favorites arcs ever.

That is not a cat-sized car. Go stand next to a people-sized car, and tell me if you don't stand more than a head taller than the hood.
Sorry for the negativity. Excellent arc, one of the best.

Yeah, a cat sized car would be like, barbie jeep sized.

My favorite line: "Step on it, Agnes".

STAND ON IT, AGNES

I was on a road trip last weekend and was communicating with my friends in another car via walkie-talkie. They had the GPS and were leading. They asked if I wanted them to go faster and I thought "Oh shit, I can finally use that line in real life," but when I said it it came out as "Stand on it, Ethel." I really blew it. Luckily only one other person in the convoy was enough of a fan to know.

Wait, a convoy you say? Were you rockin' through the night? Was she a beautiful sight? And did you roll that trucking convoy across the USA?

Knowing that Peckinpah went from The Wild Bunch to that always makes me shudder as I contemplate what Tarantino might be directing in a few years. Probably something like a remake of "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDiWiR2dDlQ

Well, we actually were rollin' up interstate 44 for awhile there, yeah. Not a bear in sight, though.

Are you trying to subtly inject an arc device for Onstad to use that actually has potential?

I hate being misunderstepped.

Ray is going to make it stink!!!

One day I hope I can open up a hottie with that line.

Its usually Onstad's job to make it stink.

robert crumb just got uninteresting

I don't get it but I like it!

pussy?

(sob)

robert crumb just got fan-raped
again

just?

Quote:

No. For the balance of those "two days" Assetbar was allowing no access to the current strip. You will find two-day old comments one strip back.

Yes. And I was fuckin' brilliant -- you should go check it out.

You are NOT the turk.

One is enough, thank you.

ironic comment from someone named "doppelganger"

And think of all the gasoline/tire money you save.

Michelin ain't got nothing on Tony Millionaire.

Neither does gravity

It muft be airborne, it muft.

DAMN IT I meant to hit chubby sorry
i thought it was chubby

Of course the two depressed characters have an off-to-the-side conversation while their more boisterous friends do something crazy and embarrassing. Misery loves company so much that instinctively finds it.

Never did I think I would see Beef and Drinky Crow in the same panel. Joy!

p p p poooooo cur faceeee...es...

*i luvf youf*

wait.....thats not how it goes....GET OFF MY FACE!

RAY WHAT'S THAT BAPPING SOUND?

THAT'S THE TRIM, MAN

I usual FAP to trim

I remember going down a one way street with my father driving his old work truck years ago. As he gently eased down the street with about two inches of clearance on both sides, I said, "Gee, Dad, that was close."

He shrugged it off. "Close? That wasn't close. Close is when you pop the trim off the side but leave the paint."

Which, come to think of it, applies to a lot of trim I've known over the years.

I read your comment after the one from nice-on-water ("I love to hear you oralize/ When I'm between your thighs"), so yours came out as:

I remember going down on a one-way street...my father driving...gently eased about two inches...pop the trim...

I'm sorry for ruining your childhood, smilebuddha.

Ruined? "Enhanced," I'd say.

Ruined... or made better?

No, that's the glad going
Quote:

What if someone poops on your face? That would be sad? No?

Only if she charges more than the usual $250.

Depends how much fruit she's been eatin, really.

and tell me that you love meeee/ I'll sit on your face and tell you I love yoou too/ I love to hear you oralize/ When I'm between your thighs/ you blow me AWAAAAY.

Gladi8orrex explores Musique Concrète

MUSIQUE CONCRETE, ASSETBAR.

Vodka makes "stuff" feel SOOOO right.

Except for this "tomorrow morning" thing I keep hearing so much about.

You know whats good? for an hangover?

Drinking heavily the night before!

God DAMNIT!

What heresies are THESE!!

ISNT ASSETBAR ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE!

Whatever happened to the guy that drew that strip?

He made some Saturday morning cartoon that only lasted a few episodes. He probably committed suicide soon after it was canceled, or something.

Wonderama?

Well sure, orgone sounds like bullshit now, but at least it sounds more fun than Scientology.

Meantime, Hawkwind's "Space Ritual" ought to be more than enough to overcome any lingering psychoanalytic vibes. Oedipus cowers anytime Lemmy steps on to the scene.

Quote:

Of course. The accumulator is basically a jerk-off box.

I can make any compartment a jerk-off box

like your mom's mouth?

The heads. You're looking at the heads. I, uh %u2013 sometimes he goes too far, you know %u2013 he's the first one to admit it!

There's mines over here, mines over there, and watch out those monkeys bite I'll tell ya!

Let me guess: The Passion of the Christ REDUX .

Ecstatic Boogaloo

Where did you procure these images, sir?

I want more.

You can try: http://www.listenlittleman.com/ or just search for "Wilhelm Reich."

THANK YOU, MY ASSETBROTHER.

this is an excellent book by the way

required reading = very yes

You can start by searching in the cemetary.

outtake:
You can start by researching in Grant's Tomb. You won't find him there, but you may pick up a grant.

this is a bad idea and you are a bad person for suggesting it

You're cute. <3

I'm glad Assetbar is back. Where else could I be online for 30 minutes and find that I've quoted Groening, Reich and the Bible (in addition to a bad otter pun). Nevertheless, I've got clients in jail and maybe I should do some work for them instead.

THE GROUCHO MASK SLIPS!!!

Oh man, the Philippe from live-action Achewood is pretty horrifying

Wait 'til you see the prostitute strips.

You should see him open his mouth.

Obviously he works for Flywheel, Shyster, and Flywheel.

Damn why didn't I think of that!

I do not like this maakies thing, but I gave it a five because it pretty much captures the spirit of the last 8 years, minus the otter.

[: |

sup, buzz killington

God I hate guest strips.

I used to, too. That has now changed.

The only guest strip that I will give my internet-respect for is the "HUG THE FUCK OUT OF THEM PHILIPPE!" one.

the glue gun one was brilliant.

The gorilla costume one and the glue-gun one will live on forever in my heart.

Yeah, but I'm pretty convinced that the glue gun one was, in fact, Onstad.

And yes, fresco, the Kochalka one was pretty dope. Still like this one best, though.

If it was Onstad, he was consciously trying to ape Ware.

He should do that for every strip

I guess that's better than consciously trying to wear an ape.

Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

Now I want to read Manflesh's C and H fanfiction again.

Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

Is Ray crying a little?

I would be

To my memory this is the second guest strip built around a terrible pun. Remember the first one?

cumbrella?

No. That's a portmanteau.

What's a portmanteau?

Bonus points for the avatar. That's totally a Grocho-style zinger, complete with cigar waggle.

I would engage you in your nautical humor, but I think it best to bow out

I'd rather you give a stern rebuke

The Captain introduced his new officer as his first mate. I found that hard to believe considering the Captain's age.

Oh, pull the rudder one!

Better yet; pull my dinghy.

I think you're mizzen the joke

mast we continue these hurtful jokes about seamen

Sheet yeah!

Let's all go and have a glass of port, shall we?

FOUL. This started with a port pun. You've keeled the thread.

You're outta your depth, Donny.

This whole comment thread's going a little overboard, I'll say.

You're all turning into hawseholes.

Yeah this thread has totally walked the plank.

like rats off a sinking strip....?

oh... the humanatee...please steer clear of that huge manatee...

I am not a manatee.

I am not a TOOK TOOK TOOK
[IMGS OFF]

I'm still not a manatee. An infinite source of chubbies for the person who figures out what I am.

Bloody scrotum?

false

Some kind of bird?

looks like some dude's left shoulder with a critter tat or I dunno what slung over it.

nope. Hint! it's in a book.

Is it the map in the front of a book?

Re: the next comic. Is it Hathi the elephant?

Why, orange you brave? There's nothing scurbotic.

I prefer the rum of carib scum.

I first read "your natural humor" and thought it was just a really heartfelt compliment.

A portmanteau is a blend of two or more words and their meanings into one.

that monkey sure didn't expect ray to try and have sex with it

Your avatar looks like drinky crow's sober cousin

his fabulously sober cousin, sister

My experience is that monkeys never expect you to have sex with them.

That would explain the scratches.

I asped ma bro "hoes do u no if ur gay?" an here's wat he said was "if you have a dick an also like dick"

Every human with a dick likes at least one dick.

Eight is Enough?

only had one Dick

Sorry, what was that you said about Uruguay?

did you tell him that it was a cool story, bro?

Gotta hand it to Tony Millionaire. It takes chutzpah to assert such an idiosyncratic piece upon an another artist's established fan base.

I, for one, love it.
A non-canonical one-off doesn't displace anything in the Achewood universe (its not like Onstad held his usual daily strip in abeyance).


Complainers should go suck an egg.

I'm sure they would, if there were any of them.

Fresco is just sadly sucking on an egg right now, all alone.

Solitary egg-sucking is the best kind until you've had enough practice to get both of them in your mouth at once to please the audience.

You know what would be a good Christmas present Onstad? One week with a regularly updating comic.

There are good webcomics out there that adhere to a rigid schedule... it's bizarre that Chris Onstad has been doing this "new comic today" "I mean tomorrow" "I mean tomorrow night" "just a few more hours" "OK backfill incoming this weekend" thing for absolutely YEARS now. I say this with full knowledge that I 'm getting the content for free, and my complaints carry a definitely small weight. But the criticism is goddamn valid.

Being that achewood is the only webcomic I Follow regularly; it really is frustrating to log in and constantly have to wait for the next comic. is a Monday-Wednesday-Friday really that hard?

Log...in? To your AOL account? Into your computer? You know, there's a lot more to the Internet than cat cock comics.

No, actually, that is all there is.

Well, that and midget porn.

He's still gettin' paid. Fuck's he care?

Anybody who really has a problem with this should take the incentive to rally other like-mindedly impatient fans around the effort of cutting off his cash flow. Withdraw from the fan flow. Don't buy the books or the shirts or anything. Try to get others to do the same. I guarantee if that happens and he knows why it's happening he'll be a little more punctual.

For the record, I want nothing to do with it. I don't think anything in this world could matter less than a web comic artist's posting schedule.

halfdirt and everyone else... creativity and punctuality do not always mix for all people. Creativity does not always adhere to a fixed schedule. Scarrygoround had to cut one day a week out of the schedule. Diesel Sweeties is the only other (critically laudable) comic that I know of that is punctual. You try doing something creative on a fixed schedule and running an accompanying business off of that creativity and see how far you get.
I think the creative process is a far more interesting subject than the question of punctuality. Who knows maybe Onstad has some fundamental problems with organization and procrastination and stress and ADHD that could be fixed without doing harm to the creative process, or, perhaps the dude is perfectly well adjusted and is just happy publishing on an irregular schedule.

I mean, the guy who did Perry Bible Fellowship quit all together and his last comic seems to propose the rational for why he quit. He didn't want to do the same thing over and over for the rest of his life. Who knows, maybe Onstad's relationship with his creative process is such that he reached that point. I would love nothing more than for the initial run of crazy rip-roaring Cheech-and-Chong-esque Ray Gets Sort Of Stoned strips to continue on for decades to come, but I'm sure you understand that there are many different reasons why this might not happen for many different individuals. A person could simply get burned out. A person might change. Yes, Onstad might have, perish the thought, changed and evolved as an artist and a person over the few years we've known his work. And it might also be a conscious decision to feel his way towards doing something gradually different in his work.

I think that so far it's preferable that Onstad should produce irregularly, and gradually change the character of the work, than throw in the towel and stop with the Achewood story all together.

I guess when people get used to a thing, they don't like change, and the folks here on assetbar are no different. If Onstad loses some of us along the way due to his work changing, I'm sure that at the same time he will gain new fans of his new style of work. Let's not push him with our bitching into having to formally instituting a break between his old work and his new work so as to avoid bitching and criticism of his new work as if it's still his old work, which it isn't.

On a different subject I'd like to see more discussion of other comics here, if only to introduce each other to other stuff that's out there.

There's this hilarious hi-brow comic called "Cyanide and Happiness" I think the distinguished gentlemen and gentleladies would love.

From what Ive gathered from interviews etc, both Chris and his wife make their living from this comic and the merch that goes along with it. Is it so much to ask that the very foundation (the comic) upon which his entire financial stability is dependant upon updates regularly?

you got cause and effect mixed up brah

Well at least Tony has the time to update Achewood, even if Chris doesn't.

May I just say that's the sexiest cartoon monkey chick I've ever seen.

That's just the vodka telescope talking.

amazing