Four Misuses of Civic Property

Four Misuses of Civic Property 04/09/2009 « prev 1st rand curr next »

How come there isn't fresh public wine served with ladles? I thought we had advanced as a species.

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only when coupled with the over-active imagination of a millionaire cat can the power of suggestion yield a nasa experiment of epic proportions

The lines under Ray's eyes indicate to me that a third element is in play here.

Weed, it's what's for dinner. Puff, puff, puff. Oh me, oh my.

Next thing you know he'll be ripping off those mattress tags

Or parking at broken parking meters that his tax money paid for!

this is my first read-through of the archive, yet.. i chubbied this earlier...

Jeffspaulding has bizarre and arcane ways of obtaining chubbies.

WITCH WITCH WITCH

Which?

Which old witch? the wicked* witch!

*sack

It is laughable if you are insinuating that I could control a third-party account merely to inflate my chubby count. I can barely remember my own account information. And I certainly do not have the computer chops to run scripts or other electronic skulduggery.

OK, I get it, you don't like me. That's fine, but let go of the conspiracy theories.

i didnt say i didnt like you, i just chubbied the comment and evidently forgot about it then came back to this strip and found that i had been here before so i decided to be childish about it and accuse you of being a witch .. there was no intended insults at all. But, yeah, i would probably lame me for that, if i wasn't already me..

I think he was talking to me.

And I've still got my eye on you JeffSpaulding.

Aaaahh.. i'm bad at basic communications as has been proven.

Let no man put asunder what I believe is thee proper use for a trash receptacle.

Hooray for some dudes.

We are talking about someone who was about to throw away an empty paper bag, so I would say your observation is...okay.

I wouldn't assume so soon that the bag is empty. It might contain... mysteries.

this is not a mystery:
[IMGS OFF]

aww hell no.

Shit just got real.

[IMGS OFF]

Dispatcher: "... property misuse. Shot through the trash can they were stuffed into..."
(Damn, that sounds like a good idea. Keep everything tidy. No sense making a mess outside if you don't have to.)

If you shoot it into space afterward, people will assume NASA did it.

That's what she said.

i ran out of chubbies before i got to this comment... i'n so sorry, please don't hurt me.

imagine that "i'n" is a new word i invented that means "I am" and also that i only posted that once.

We were all Assetbar virgins once. You may continue to post.

I think I need an award for screwing up several things at once.. But Assetbar will award me should i deserve it and punish me if i deserve thusly too.
how do you know that i lost my virginity to Assetbar?

Quote:

how do you know that i lost my virginity to Assetbar?

You didn't notice that bar up your ass? Hmm, maybe yours wasn't sideways.

I lubed it, too, for easy insertion. But i still cant for the life of me sit down..

About 1/3 of the people sent into space by NASA go up so they can be secretly assassinated. No bodies, no witnesses, your tax dollars at work.

Science Nerd Comment: Just "going into space" wouldn't destroy a corpse. It would remain in orbit, subject to possible CSI:Space retrieval. But a nice low orbit would eventually result in firery re-entry and destruction of said corpse.

Actually, pogo, I'm surprised NASA or the Chinese haven't hoisted a corpse out there for a few years just to study the protracted effects of radiation on non atmospheric-protected human matter.

Science Project Bill & Ted Dudes!

Well, Scorp, it wouldn't surprise me if there weren't a couple of Russkie deaders in orbit, either from a vodka-inspired space walk or a very expensive liquidation.

True, but either is really a valid method of corpse disposal. There's so much orbital trash as it is that it would likely never be found without a very dedicated search.

Finding a corpse sized object in earth orbit would be functionally impossible. Way too much space for something to get lost up there. First person to inform the mob is going to be rich.

but it would dribble through when they slump...

i can't watch 'bad boys' and take martin lawrence seriously anymore... not after 'wild hogs'. dude is as tough as filet mignon, medium rare.

You could take Martin Lawrence seriously?

It took Wild Hogs to make you not take him seriously?

[IMGS OFF]

and they made a sequel too!

This honky Gran'ma be trippin'!

at least he kicked ass in that. and paul giamatti was in it.

He kicked ass in Wild Hogs as well, and William H Macy was in that.

are we talking about the same wild hogs?

this might help clarify, the movie i am talking about is not a gay porno starring martin lawerence and william h macy look-alikes.

Well that whole last scene where they stood up to the Ray Liotta Riders, they all kicked a little ass/got their asses handed to them.

Lookalike porn? Is that a real thing? If not this would be an excellent moment for a classic achewood 'business proposal' final panel in which Ray starts phoning around his contacts for a slutty girl who looks like Dame Kelly Holmes.

You might be interested in this little business that I've come across. It's called "Fleur de Lis". Here's their card.

Really? That is horrible! It makes me want to take down my American Splendor poster (but I will not, as I am hell of lazy).

Even Harvey Pekar impersonators gotta eat.

this is not the kind of image I come to achewood.com to see. it is not art!

Kyle Hyde be nodding exactly in time to Los Campesinos!

He's also making it impossible for me to disagree with anything you say.

Or is he making it... too easy?

Hold on a second.

1: You don't think that this is art?
2: So why exactly did you come to Achewood?
3: WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS COATHANGER.

I. Music is NOT allowed to beat synchronously with my avitar

II. I come to Achewood because I expect ONLY intelligent programming. NOT eddie murphy or will smith or whoever that is and fat person slapstick humor. shit... I don't know who that is... now people will think I'm a racist bastard who thinks all balck people look alike... I better check IMDB... Martin Lawrence... okay... but didn't Will Smith do a similar kinda movie with a similar plot? Or was it Eddie Murphy? Sadly, the answer is probably yes on both counts.... and... what... OMG... I wish I hadn't seen that... the first review listed on IMDB is as follows:Quote:

[...] Martin Lawrence is a likable guy. He has the ability to make us laugh just by making goofy faces. His best were when he was trapped in the bathroom behind the shower curtain when the real "Big Momma" (Ella Mitchell) was taking a dump a few feet away! The looks of Lawrence's face during that period were hilarious!

okay, I take back any bad vibes I may have given out regarding that movie poster...

III. Your Coat Hanger. Ask yourself, what would Bristol Palin do with it? Then do that. Or the apposite. Or whatever.

My screen is filled with nodding Kyle Hydes and Frynapples now. It's kind of confusing, especially since I think they're very, very slightly out of sync.

I don't have Assetbarista installed on this computer yet, so I don't know whether this comment is going to interrupt it or not.

You ass!

Even filet was once a bit tough. He's more like foie gras. Soft and diseased. He is also legally barred from many countries and municipalities.

i want so desperately to chubby this. fuck you, chubby limits.

I chubbied for you. Respect.

Ditto, and I will work both "municipalities" and "fois gras" into my next gangsta rap as tribute.

Addendum: I will attempt not to rhyme "fois gras" with "caviar". Current front runners: "titty bar", "hernia scar".

I'm more concerned about the rhyme for "gavage". Also "pate" rhymed with "puss-ay"? Is this an acceptable thing to do or is this the crass sign of an amateur?

Moderation

You'd think NASA would splurge on a few extra bungee straps for the trash receptacle.

They don't want to put too much money into it because then the trash receptacle misuse might be traced back to them by the Government.

NASA is part of the government dude.

The Government is a Bureaucracy. Think about it.

Just because an agency is funded by the government doesn't really mean it's "part of the government," does it? Seems to me the one's we commonly call "the gummint" are the ones who f*ck with us, such as the tax f*ckers, the FBI, Immigration, and anyone you have to get a permit from.

Go launch a Saturn V from your back yard and watch NASA not fuck with you.

Dear Penthouse forum,
I launched my Saturn V deep into Nasa's backyard. It was the illest.

I never thought it would happen to me!

Only one kid has curiosity about... space?! What is this generation coming to.

Challenger, Colombia...

you first, man.
you first.

Nothing compared to being sent outter space in a NASA trash receptacle. Nothing.

You know things are bad when the Russian trash receptacles have a lower rate of malfunction than ours.

they haven't been Paying Attention.

Space Shuttle Recyclable

Remember Salvage One? Where Andy Griffith built a moon rocket out of junk from his salvage yard? So he could go the moon and recycle the lunar landers and moon buggies? It was kind of like Sanford and Son meets MacGyver. Best show ever!

I wonder how he got the can back after launching it into space... and what its contents were.

Uh-oh.

Contents? Why do you think his cookies taste so bad?

probably because they were made in a trash can

For heeeeeeeeeeeeeere am I sitting in a tin caaan....

Iiiinnn a pile of garbage...

Planet earth is blue, and I can smell someone's spew...

dao k-dao ka-chicka BAO WAO
dao k-dao ka-chicka BAO WAO

baloodadoodeedaDOOOOOOO BOO DOOP DEE DOO WEEEEOOOOOOOO

Sound effect honorable mention

Wasn't Scorpio or one of the other regulars there that day? I am pretty sure that is not how it happened and pretty sure that it is not really all that funny.

I'm pretty sure I was elsewhere. It was pretty fucking horrifying is what it was.
Which is to say, "yes, too soon, still lame, foetus_punch."

Yeah, man, jokes about dead Americans? Shame on you.

Well, except for ethnics. They just came here looking for jobs and to steal our property.

Oh, and stupid people. "Darwin awards" are perfectly acceptable no matter how soon.

You hear the one about the white American who shot a hole-in-one and then had a heart attack?

well yeah, i mean he was an upstanding gentleman and left no debt to his family nope not any debt at all.

is this true, sir?

uh why yes it is very true it is completely true why are you looking at me like tha-

blam.
[IMGS OFF]

Your story fails to check out. Only pretty sure? I think we need to reanimate Feynman because it's sure looking like Scorpio (SCORPIO!) was behind it all along.

Fine, man, go ahead and ask him. He still at that commune in the Catskills?
To the best of my recollections, dude, and I've given this alot of recollection and it's among my best,man, my very best y'know, Richard and I were hitchhiking through Outer Mongolia to Woodstock, Inner Mongolia for 3 days of Peace, Love, and Throat-singing.
By the time we got to Ulan Bator, we were rolling half-a million strong, man.

BOO TO HUMOR. GOD.

Whoa, I totally missed that raised hand the first time around. I was busy trying to figure out the species of all the kids.

What gorilla?

they don't want to seem "uncool" in front of lil neph

Lil Nephew is still dead, remember? We got a flash of him in heaven a few weeks ago.

i'm blanking on how that little fella died

KLOODGE!

All the children have the same curiosity, but the child with the raised hand was unfortunate enough to be standing in the front of the crowd, unable to see that by raising his hand he has proved himself a nerd who would answer a teaching man.

what i wouldn't give for a garbage can full of public wine right about now...

sorry "trash receptacle"

Aged... the amount of time that it's been out of the box!

Public Wine. The drink of Saturday Men everywhere.

Don't shoehorn it into the realm of Saturday men. Public domain wine's market share has been rising due to the demand for wine that is somewhere in the middle of the stuffy/cool spectrum that is bookended by French and California wines, respectively.

[IMGS OFF]

The tennis ball... it is perfect.

I get the reference, but to me the tennis ball just makes it seem a bit like yuppie faux-dive. All with a sweater wrapped around his neck thinking how cute it is to be drinking from the bottle in the park.

For this person every day is a Saturday.

I would perhaps use

[IMGS OFF]

instead. Maybe a bit too eye-catching, but what are you going to do?

Perhaps a compromise and we have a dog with a tennis ball in his mouth. His head cocked, looking askance at the viewer. One ear is flipped up quizzically. He does not understand, but, sadly, we do.

Hey remember when everyone said that 90% of the Watchmen references were started by me?

In the past three strips I've said nothing about it and on each of these strips there have been at least one thread that references Watchmen.

Food for thought.

You're still a dick, though.

OH DAMN FORGOT CAPITALS

It's a FUCK YOU GUITARHERO Friday.

IT'S A FUCK YOU GUITARHERO ALL WEEK LONG SPECIAL.

Man this whole time I was worried Assetbar had evolved past attacking someone's character now that Asherdan, Saint, Soticoto and the other posters from the past left.

Glad to see we haven't!

Yeah, but you did say vaginas were horrifying, and I wasn't about to image search "vagina dentata"...

I wasn't really complaining, I was just making a point.

Plus it was funny because Belgand was the one that said I was trying to hard to look cool by referencing it all the time.

It's not so much a reference to Watchmen as it is the lack of any other image that compares to what I see in my mind's eye and my total lack of artistic talent.

I re-read it recently and it was the first thing to pop into my head. If you didn't know the source it wouldn't make any difference in understanding.

I do know the source, and I have no damn idea what you were talking about. :P

At this rate, though, we're eventually gonna have every single panel of the comic on Assetbar, and Onstad will have to pay ~~Moore and~~ Gibbons for having it up.

Please, unless you want Achewood behind a paywall, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP POSTING WATCHMEN!

Geez, man, sorry for partyin'.

I just wanted to make a wine label with a tennis ball on it! Is that so wrong?

(sobs, runs away crying)

awesome :D

Nice calligraphy, man. I don't think Wozzeck will let you into his B & B now.

I feel like I could live a fulfilling life without having to know why Ray's cookies taste so bad.

Or without eating Ray's cookies, for that matter.

imagine walking down the street when what looks like a cat dressed for a part in 'westside story' pops out of a garbage can brandishing a tray full of cookies, melodiously inquiring as to who would like to know why they taste like crap.

it's a bad trip that up until now only jon arbuckle has experienced.

If he's in the trashcan serving them now, what happens when he has to toss them later?

.

..

...

I said, what happens when he has to toss his coo...aw forget it.

I can only imagine that anything in the trashcan tastes bad.

I'm old enough to remember the Top Cat cartoon . . . anybody else? (I'm sure that TC's cookies were OK . . . just not very good.)

The Simpsons clued me in that Top Cat was really just a rip-off of Sgt. Bilko. Now I am unable to ever un-see this comparison. It has ruined me for Top Cat.

You really shouldn't let The Simpsons define your cultural growth. Top Cat was in color, animated, and cuter. Phil Silvers was always a dick.
There, better?

Bilko! Now that was a TV show worth watching!

Dude, panel 6, Little Nephew is back....

In a hypothetical scenario inside of Ray's mind!

Ray remembers him as he was, before he got into the rap game or gothishness, and I gotta reply to my own comment to clarify what I was thinking about several seconds prior.

Re-use of graphics from [url]here[/url].

Let's put the url in this time, you dumbass motherfucker.

Oh, and here, too, of course.

I am impressed that you recall these things from memory.

Anymore clipart and we can rename this strip "This Modern AcheWorld"

Or "Red Achewood"

Ray's stance in panel 8 looks much more awkward than it used to with the way his legs are bent below the knees.

That's his ninja gangster stance - note the inclination of the glock 9.

Is this Ray's attempt to go all pro ice? I mean, presumably one has to start small and work up, and a city trash receptacle seems about as small as you can get, cappage-wise.

doomchild

Is there always this much cutting and pasting or is it a meta-reference to recycling?

You've viewed over 1500 strips and don't know the answer to that question?

Chubbied for your avatar.

I totally missed it - in retrospect my naivete seems quaint

Did you change your avatar? I can't believe I was ever impressed by that.

i want to make sweet love to you for that glorious avatar. this deserves a million billion chubbies, all rubbing themselves all over you in a cornucopia of chubbie-ness

It is old - I have many fun ones I need to recycle after months of lurking

Ray's counting on zero gravity to rectify the height of LN's pants.

The cat in the thong was lying. It was personal.

Hey man, nothing against you, but I would shoot you and use you to store free public wine.

Wouldn't you find it rather difficult to do them in that order? Of course, that is my opinion, but it is backed up by science.

Damn look at that thigh bulge when he caps that garbage can.

oh....yeah...

The bullets must have one hell of a kick if they're going to knock over a plastic garbage can.

I'm not a trained gun user, just a guy with an internet connection; so someone call me out here if I'm wrong.
Bullets generally do damage from being fast and sharp; they don't actually have much force behind them, since they're so small. When films show people being thrown back by being shot, they're being over-theatrical. It doesn't actually happen that much.
Significantly, due to conservation of momentum, any force the bullet does have, the gun will have the same force in the opposite direction. In fact, since a bullet uses a lot of its energy on piercing the target, the gun kicks back HARDER than the bullet.
Now, Ray is holding his gun sideways, a style that's known to be very rough on your elbows, especially if you don't know what you're doing, and Ray probably doesn't. If that bullet really does have that much force behind it, then Ray probably just badly broke his imaginary arm.

Everything about this post is Bizarro Science. Congratulations. You get Bizarro Medal of Physics.
Bang!

Oh my, a medal? Ahem; I'd like to thank my A-level physics teacher for failing to teach me about physics, TVtropes.com for most of my reference material, and, of course, Onstad for making the comics.

"The gun kicks back harder than the bullet."

The reaction equals the initial action. But since the force of recoil for the shooter is spread over a much larger region, and before that it has to get through the inertia of the gun and/or any recoil compensation built into the gun, the recoil of a gun isn't going to be 'harder' than the force of impact a bullet makes. And the bullets don't necessarily expend lots of energy piercing a target - they spend most of it passing through.

Also, bullets don't do damange because they're sharp - their shape has more to do with aerodynamics than Fucking People Up. At the speed they're traveling, they could be shaped like little Rubik's Cubes and still do lots of damage; they'd just be much harder to fire accurately.

You're right in that handgun rounds don't typically fling people through the air (that's what Ray's hands are for). As for Ray breaking his arm - you're going to sprain your hand/wrist way before you break your arm. And most handguns aren't powerful enough to seriously injure your arm just because you fire them like a gangsta.

Besides, Ray tore a dude's jaw off with his hands. I think he can handle all the action in this strip. Guy's strong. I mean, the rocket the trash bin was connected to? Didn't work. Just for show. Ray flexed and cold threw that bin into space.

And no, the recoil of that did not throw the Earth off its orbit.

Ray is actually Chuck Norris?

That would explain quite a bit, actually.

no it would not

Having fired several types of handguns, shotguns, and rifles, I can verify your basic assumptions: a little piece of lead, no matter how fast it's going, isn't going to move a human body much. Watch the WWII documentary footage of D-Day: people just drop when shot. Also, explosions have gotten all out of control, as if bagel-sized hunks of C4 could bring down a building. Oh, and real explosions aren't all orange and billowy -- that's more FX bullcrap.

And now Achewood has turned into Mythbusters. Not that I totally mind, but just that there is a sort of a place where all of this is already happening. A place that has plenty of cool explosions and a cute redhead as well. Fuck, why aren't I watching it right now?

Every time anybody on that show opens their mouth I want to scream.

Every time anybody opens their mouth all I hear are screams.

wow I meant to say "on that show" somewhere in there. Now I sound like the fucking singer of Hawthorn Heights or something

Or Nice Pete.

Or Nice Pete on American Idol*.

*I do not watch American Idol.

Dammit Daidai, now no-one's comments make sense!

His work is done, then. Hail Daidai, destroyer of sense!

Nice Pete auditioning for American Idol would be an awesome strip. Are you reading this, Onstad? Hm?

Nice Pete plus "topical humor" does not equal "awesome strip", unless it ends with Nice Pete killing Randy Paula and Simon.

Lord save us from randy Paula.

I must admit, I would let that cute redhead strap me into any sort of device.

I'd like to strap her to my device if you know what I mean.

Myth statement: i_love_kate's device is so large that the cute redhead can comfortably be strapped to it.

Status: Plausible.

And then swung gently around in a manner pleasing to both parties.

Swing low, sweeeeet chariot...comin' forth to carry me hooommme...

Fortunately that is basically the least painful arm you can break.

Especially hard to knock over if there's someone in it.
What's in there, though? A person?
Knowing Ray, more likely that shoe buffer after it screwed up and scratched up some classy shoes or something.

WASTE HIERARCHY! GET USED TO IT!

GARBAGE!

Curb stompin' a recycling bin.

THE TRASH IS INSIDE YOU.

How many people think that Ray actually did all these things, versus him just imagining them?

I'm not sure myself.

Ray imagined them while doing them.
(This is one of his difficulties with women.)

since this is ray we're dealing with i want to think this is all really happening and not just imagination but i gotta wonder, if that is the case, HOW DID THE TRASH RECEPTACLE GET BACK TO EARTH
HOW RAY???

Hey, that American flag is backwards.... how come

Now this may sound weird, but if you look at ray's chest upside down something ... happens.

[IMGS OFF]

a chubby for blowing my mind

a blowjob for minding my chubby

Quote:

Hey, that American flag is backwards.... how come

Protocol requires that the canton (stars) always face the front. It appears on planes the same way (starboard side).

chubs for the knowledge droppin'

what this guy said.

It's the way it would look if it was flying from a mast on the vehicle. People have gotten carried away with the protocol idea.

Are you high? You're high, aren't you.

I actually have a medical condition where I act like I'm high all the time (other than the food cravings)... I think it's in the autism spectrum. That or there's something funny in the tap water 'round here.

Christian Bale admits to Christian Bale that he has Asperger's Syndrolme.

I love that Lil Wayne is pointing this out.

Lil Jon, rookie.

Correct. I wanna SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET.

ALL THEM FEMALES CRAWL.

sweat drops down my balls

someone does not like Lil Jon

Impossible.

That hurts me. That hurts me so good.

It's the secret Achewood character. He's been there all along. Just watching.

Like that inner child in Total Recall

where is his Elvis bat?

How did you wind up discovering this, anyway?
I guess there are a bunch of scenarios where you could wind up looking at your monitor upside down.

Did... did Oscar owe Ray a lot of money? Did it have to come down to this? :(

Oscar picked the wrong cat to get grouchy on.

Some of the best art I've seen on here in a while. I was getting kind of bored of the whole copy paste with different emotions.

Good work, Chris.

Apart from the fact that all of the "children" are quite clearly just rear-views of Ray and Roast Beef that he's shrunk down a bit.

Wait! The one with his hand up looks like sort of an amalgamation. Eerie.

Actually there's shitloads of copypasta in this strip. See lateadopter's posts above.

I think he was being sarcastic.

This is the first one in a long time that has made me laugh out loud. I've been really happy with all of the comics lately, but this one made me chuckle audibly.

You're high, though.

The ladles are the best part.
Best misuse of public space ever

I can't wait for ladles' night.

Come on down to Spatula City, where Tuesday night is Ladles' Night!

misuse?

fackin' rad.

You guys, I don't know where else to ask this, so I'm just gonna ask it here. A little while back, was there a strip that was animated sort of? Like, not the whole thing, but there was one little part of it that was constantly moving? I don't know how else to explain what I mean. Like, the best example I can give would be that the whole strip was just a plain drawing as usual, but maybe there was a clock that was ticking in the background somewhere or something? It wasn't a clock, but that's just my way of explaining what I'm talking about.

This is a serious question. Because if that didn't happen, then it was a dream, and if I am dreaming about Achewood, then I think there is a problem.

Not a dream! Not a hoax! Not an imaginary story!
Ray turns his Trans Am into KITT:
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06292005

The Winner! But holy crap, when you click on that strip, it still takes you to the original external link, not to AssetBar! I thought all of those were gone.

Nah, if you use the search function it takes you straight to the strip on its own.

I did not mean the link to the strip that paperboy provided. I mean that if you follow that link to achewood.com, and then click on the strip over there, it doesn't bring you back here. It sends you to some website that sells geeky things. Those links used to be sprinkled in the old Achewood, behind some of the strips, but they went away when AssetBar came along. I'm trying to remember what other ones there used to be, so I can go and test them.

there was one for a summer sausage sensation. i remember this. Also roomba.

Thank you so much.
This makes me and my brain feel so much better.
So much.

I was totally reading that strip yesterday. If Paperboy wasn't such a ninja, I would have answered the query so hard.

The only thing I know of is the gothic dance, which an animation of the second half of this strip. But that doesn't sound like what you're referring to.

April 9th, 2009: Achewood Panel Trivia Day on Assetbar.

Quote:

not responsible for any injury, harm or death

I have seen similar language IRL. Only in the universe of lawyers does "injury" not include "harm" and "harm" not include "death."

The city fully expects people to die in their garbage cans? Wacky.

I suspect some wiseguy slapped this sticker on Ray's can specifically.

I know of many University students who have ridden that particular plastic jallopy to no one's benefit. Excepting, of course, everyone else watching and laughing their arses off.

... meaning basically that some rich drunken fuckwit has probably tried to sue the council before, on the grounds of offering a free almost-vehicle without need of a license.

I can't imagine any action regarding the slapping of Ray's can to come from a guy such as could be called "wise."

That shit ain't hetero.

I have no desire to find out why his cookies taste so baaad.

What's so bad about tasting like a robot's ass?

What's so bad about tasting ~~like~~ a robot's ass?
Fixed for you, homes.

Thanks, Holmes.

WHY FIND OUT?

Is this the first time Achewood has shown a group of kittens? I'm not remembering any other than shots of ray and beef as kids.

No Oscar the Grouch references? come on..

this?

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01142002

Man, from the free preview I thought this was going to be a "Ray Tries to Fix the System" strip.

I'm so glad Chris took this in a whole entirely different direction. High Ray stories are never not funny.

Also, this is the end of backdated strips.

Hey, so assuming anyone still remembers me, I'm going to pop in to ask a relevant question - is anyone going to this goddamn gallery thing or what? On the one hand it's Achewood, on the other hand it's 20 bucks plus Dinosaur Comics will be there and I've decided they suck.

1) Welcome back!

2) Onstad apparently won't be there, and I don't care enough about the others.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Who said Chris Onstad won't be there? Cite this information! MLA! APA! CMS15!

He will be there via "Instant Messenger".

Well, shit. Was that added recently or did I just conveniently ignore it? I'm good at ignoring small print that doesn't suit me, as my history of participation in class action law suits will show.

Oh well that's a load of bull doohickey. Not that I particularly care about his physical presence - it's just that I'd feel cheated spending $20 to talk to him on AIM. I mean how will we know the person on the other end is even Onstad and not just some kid he got to take his place for some spare change and a free copy of Sneak King for the Xbox 360?

I would say the acne and the use of the phrase "jumped the shark".

You've decided Dinosaur Comics sucks? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Seconded. There is something wrong with your opinion.

Thirded. There is something friggin' wrong with your friggin' opinion.

fourthed. what in hell, achilles.

fifth'd i lik crowds

Someone on here a while back said that it was basically regurgitated Wikipedia articles with exclamation points added to the end of every sentence, and I've since realized that they were right.

Man, even with that in consideration it's still hilarious. Also a lot of the strips that I'm reading now don't even follow that format.

You are wrong.

He is also Wong

he IS wrong.

Is so wrong.

wong dude, so wong

[img]http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr337/regionbug/whatsTheDeal.jpg[img]

WHAT'S THE DEAL

[IMGS OFF]

huge slam by Achilleselbow on dinosaur comics out of nowhere. I disagree. I will admit that maybe you have to be half Vulcan to see the humor in Dinosaur Comics. The characters are relentlessly introspective and analytical of various aspects of the human condition that everyone generally takes for granted. Greed and self-doubt and ego and even technical stuff like the nature of time. Ryan North is always pushing the envelope, mixing these themes up in new combinations in the same strip. His work is not classical literature by any means. Instead of working in the medium of the human experience as it is normally lived, North works in the medium of the human experience as it would probably be perceived by someone with some form of autism. If you don't 'get it' or find it to be the least bit funny, that's okay. You probably have to be a bit brain damaged to fully appreciate Dinosaur Comics. That said, with record numbers of kids being diagnosed with ADD and Autism, with the exponentially collapsing information float, and with the amount of information and technology created by humans expanding at an exponential rate, it is only inevitable that people start exploring, as North does, purely abstract and esoteric concepts, and more to the point, exploring how the human psyche relates (often clumsily) with this flood of information and this new information-based world. In a large sense, Dinosaur Comics is sort of a contemporary Huit Clos. The premise of Dinosaur Comics is not unlike that of Huit Clos, with the added dimension, apparently in your case, that you feel as if you too are in hell along with the characters of the strip. What a tour de force!

Chubby for explaining Dinosaur Comics and why it's great in a way that I cannot.

friggin' nice analysis there. It is so friggin' cogent.

really? Well thanks but to be honest most of the time I'm just a monkey on a keyboard so I guess every now and then something I say might resonate in some way with someone. I will go treat myself to a banana now!

the record numb. o' autistic peeps u menchin is a simlar case o' "i m out of breath win i workout therefore asthma" it is only cuz dey lowered deh bar o' admitian n2 deh autistic realm, that is to say, dey rnt artistic dey is has mild symptoms there4 dey get prescribed durgs. is conspiracy

to turn a coherent argument into that misspelled dribble does take some kind of talent...

after I posted the video by Amanda Baggs at the bottom of this page I thought to myself... What if Glad is one of them? What if?

okay... after reading it for the 10th time I finally understand what Glad is trying to say. In response to Glad's statement, I say that hey, it's probably not so much a conspiracy as it is a result of how any free-market system works, right? It's pretty basic non-equilibrium statistical phyiscs, right? Since there is money in the proscribin of durgs, the system evolves towards a state where more durgs is prescribed.

Or, in the case of nationalized healthcare, towards a state where everybody is healthy and doesn't require expensive medication.

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO YOURSELVES AMERICA. FOR SHAME.

here's an experiment you can do in your doctor's office: Ask your doctor is he is pharm-free. If she can't say "yes," then write down the web site address for her, and walk out of the office. Find a different doctor. Rinse. Repeat as necessary.

Please tell me you are being sarcastic.

is not so mush doctahs wantn 2 make $$$ so mush as is "here is ma son, he is not behave like perf. child please tell me what's wrong and be honest" but o course deh doc cannit say "he is creature, will grow out of." insted durgs r proscribe 4 parnet 2 say "he does becuz of condition" ratheh den lettn 'im eat wat he fines on deh flor sooner or l8r he will lern it is not betteh than pizz.

Talk hard, gladi8orrex. Say opinions.

Say a five pound cuss!

i m n it 4 deh chuppies :/

Amen gladi8 sayit again it the doctors watch too much TV and are too much friends with the pharmco sales reps who outnumber the doctors 3 to 1 and the doctors don't read much anymore so all they know is what the pharmco reps tell them. with the overall health care system in tatters and all the money being stolen by the insurance companies, it is easy, too easy, to put some faith in a magic cure. so instead of making real progress and doing real R&D and incorporating new technologies into medical practice (e.g., brain function scanning has been feasible for decades now, but psychiatrists still, for the most part, refuse to use it, preferring instead to play blindfolded Russian Roulette with their pills on your brain) and without the use of brain function scans psychiatry is at a standstill the only other way besides function scans that it can ~~improve~~ regain the ground it has lost in the past couple decadesis if there was enough funding for people to get counseling by competent experienced counselors but all that money has been spent on the insurance companies and when you go to see the counselor it's like your therapist say 'okay your 2 minutes are up now I have to go spend 45 minutes on insurance company paperwork see you again next year' so we just keep investing more and more hope and more and more money into the magic pills.[IMGS OFF]

Using a little more punctuation would only make your argumentation more enjoyable ;)

I would prefer more space lizards, personally.

Please refrain from taking your magic pills prior to posting.

Whether or not Dinosaur Comics is funny (jury's out), it is not a good comic. One can argue that it is well written, but any defense beyond that is doomed to ridiculousness.

I agree and disagree with this statement. Dino Comix is a pretty well-written comic, but I think the word "funny" is subjective.

Dinosaur Comics makes me laugh, but I can see how it wouldn't make other people laugh as well.

I think I know where you're going with this, but why is it "not a good comic?"

Anachronisms and problems of scale. There's no way a T-Rex could stomp a car.

I don't believe that it qualifies as a comic. A comic consists of writing and art. It is almost a comic. It is halfway there. Find a new term to describe what it is and then we can talk about its merits.

It has writing. It has art. It just recycles the art. Do you also consider Red Meat not a comic? And I believe there is a term for it. Constrained Comics

Also, rowboat's argument would consider most recent iteration's of Achewood "not a comic" as Chris is recycling a lot of art and it has writing.

OK. Good. As long as we can agree that Dinosaur Comics is something other than a comic I have no problem with it. I'm sure it is a fine "constrained comic." Constrained comics just aren't my thing, I guess.

This is the same argument I have with my girlfriend over Animal Collective. I'm sure they make fine....indie soundscapes, or whatever. But don't say that they make good songs. They do not make songs. Indie soundscapes just aren't my thing, I guess.

And gh, comparing Achewood to Dinosaur Comics only undermines your position. The former recycles many different images and often doesn't recycle them at all. Unlike the latter. Think about this.

I will agree that it is a comic in a comic genre you are not fond of. Those are my final terms. If we cannot agree, negotiations cease.

Thank you for agreeing with me about Animal Collective. I do not think I will ever understand their popularity.

Merriweather Post Pavilion is acually OK. Still, though - they aren't songs.

That link reminded me of The Angriest Dog in the World. Is Rowbox calling David Lynch a bitch?!? Is that what he is doing now?

DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?

A little bit.

Basically.

What?

ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER.

DO YOU SPEAK IT?

...are we doing this?

wh-what?

DOES DAVID LYNCH LOOK LIKE A BITCH?

wh-what?

Haha, you're stuck with it!

You're a complete moron.

I mean this, of course, in the nicest way possible.

now, now, sje, when we disagree with someone on the internet, we engage him or her in polite debate; we do not engage in ad hominim attacks.

Piss off, tard!

unless they are a nemesis, in which case, fire away young sje.

bite me, schmegma-breath

Eat a dick, dick-eater!

(honestly my heart isn't in it, I'm just trying to live up to the image placed upon me, I don't hate you.)

(I don't hate you either, and I think the joke has run a little thin... just whistling in the dark until the next comic posts... uh... jerk.)

douche

Hi achilleselbow I hope you don't still assume that I suck. I've actually changed quite a lot. Got on a different medication. Got diagnosed with Aspergers, & bipolar... turns out in retrospect yeah I can see that I was kinda annoying. Will you give me a second chance?

You sir are correct. Dinosaur Comics sucks donkey dong.

I wanna cum.

But is he correct?

That cat is fucking baked.

Thusly are the inherent perils of the wake and bake laid bare.

Ray should be extremely high at all times... or is he already?

All of these activities are likely to result in death.

you will now explain why shooting a bin will result in death... I'm leaving this thing wide open for you...

There was a homeless man sleeping in it.

Ray served fifteen years for involuntary manslaughter.

And... died?

No, the homeless man died, man. He is a person too.

Haha! Liberals.

he only maimed the bin. the bin shot back.

The bin shot first. :P

Remember what happened last time Ray had a gun?

I've had similar trips as a result of a sticker on the underside of the lid of my toilet telling me to clean it ONLY with warm soapy water. "Any other cleaning mediums could result in chemical attack seriously limiting the life of this product." Chemical attack? That's just a double-dog-dare to break out the bleach.

you had me at "warm soapy water"

It reminded me of an old Brunching Shuttlecocks piece where Lore rated various rules for his apartment complex. One of which was that you are not allowed to slam your fridge door.

I have been compelled to slam refrigerator doors ever since reading that. How can I not? It haunts me.

ImaaAAAAaginaaation

Yesssss
[IMGS OFF]

conclusive evidence that spongebob is, in fact, a raging homosexual.

NO! he's just FABOULUS!

[IMGS OFF]

HAHAHA!! ehm wat?

Spongebob is the go-to guy for double-digit multiple penetration.

No mess!

Fuck you fancypants.

indeed

Oh, I got more of a

[IMGS OFF]

vibe.

not i.

more the spongebob.

Yes, person who lamed me, I'm sorry that I put a picture of South Park on the internet because I wasn't able to recognize a Spongebob reference about rainbows. What kind of a low person am I.

South Park had some fucking great episodes. It's not consistently amazing, but fuck you knee-jerk pricks.

sort-of stoned ray, i love you

Excuse me fellows but just who is this gladi8orrex character anyways?

I'm not familiar with this sort of thing to be honest.

(da link above is a lol clew, haha)

What? You are an Asian dancing band?

Correct. I ~~want~~ need to cum

The Asian Dancing Band are saying Sorry a lot. I'm guessing this is a red herring what, pip pip old fellow good show.

He is a wonderful fellow, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Gasp! I mean whosagoodboyyesyouareYESyouare

Yay lorem ipsum.

Are you trying to tell us that you can't dance? i.e. you're not familiar with dancing?

well i'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you.

so i really want to know how to do that backwards dance step they do after they say 'sorry' and 'shorty'.

"shawty" you stupid slut don't you know anything?

i m sorry 4 2 come down hard on u man plz 4give me

man yao no butter than dis1.

You are a visual artist? A choereographer perhaps? However that's spelled?

This avatar is nodding his head along perfectly to the live version of Yo La Tengo's "Double Dare" I'm listening to right now.

Ray continues to use his superior version of E. Reminiscent of Xi.

Ray is very hungover.

The cat with a passion for entheogenic psychotropics has extrapolated a general surrealist philosophy from a uniquely Californian warning label.

Um.
I have a degree too.

The first time I read this, I thought panels 6-9 were a sequence, not four separate ideas. That would make the "public wine" be the blood of children lured into a trash receptacle by the promise of bad cookies, then shot.

That's pretty fucked up.

we think a lot alike

i like that in an internet

the new saddest thing.

a challenger approaches.

Additional uses not pictured here:

Hardtop stroller For today's style-conscious baby!
Motorcycle sidecar Perfect for your sidekick with low self-esteem!
Hurricane shelter FEMA approved!
Diving bell Guaranteed 45% sharkproof or your money back

Bass drum When you need to make your eighth album in a hurry
Dog kennel He won't even notice the difference
Squirrel funeral ship guaranteed to keep afloat while the body is immolated

You made me picture viking squirrels, which will entertain me for days to come. Thank you sir.

Two gallon beer cooler for the frat boy on the go!

Anyone every set one of these on fire? I've done the old flaming tire thing way back in the 60s, but not a trash bin.

This is different, sublime.

What I like best about this one is that what Ray's doing here is both clever and inane.

this is probably off topic... but I wonder sometimes if different body types are more or less comfortable than other body types. For instance, huge boobs could cause issues with the back. That one is really obvious. But are there other less obvious differences that might still be significant? Like, might different shapes and configurations of sphincters and labia and vaginae be more or less comfortable? For instance, some people sweat more than others. What if you had a really sweaty asshole? That would have to get irritating after a while. People who suffer from gianticism (sp?) are another example. Their bodies grow and grow and grow (usually because of a problem with the thyroid gland) and this results in permanent excruciating pain in joints and such. But might there be more subtle differences? For instance, when you wake up from sleeping in a really comfortable position, sometimes you are just damn comfortable. This is partly a function of the mechanics of your body. Smaller people must have an advantage in this one, because the tolerances for what constitutes proper support for the body and limbs would be proportional to their size and weight. Look at pet kitty cats... they are comfortable sleeping in just about any damn position on just about any surface. So this is what I am wondering about the human condition today.

some women have like five holes
some have four
sort of like puppy surprise
you never know whats inside
it could be three
or four
or five

Some puppies have smaller puppies inside

eating their way out

A chubby and my sincerest LOLs.

I have heard that some women who have less meaty outer labias and more loose inner labias have to be careful when running or exercising because their junk can get caught in the folds of their pants or something. I have heard this.

Oh look at me, my first day back and I'm already talking about vaginas...vaginae, okay, happy, spell check?

We would expect nothing less of you. (Although I think it is the inner labia that become stretched and distended and are often operated on.)

Down with low-hanging labia!

Or, preferably, up with it!

i am down with it going up.

i will assist with this, especially if you got it going on.

i mean, of course, goin' on~

You have written the first three lines - or maybe the only three lines - of a really excellent funk song

bee-bah-dah-dah-bee-beowrrrr
*barry white voice* yeeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhhhh
hurray, man.

hurray for some guys.

hurray for this guy.

yeah. i am down with it going up. i will assist with this, especially if you got it going on.

i mean, of course, goin' on~

yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh~~ (some kinda sweet versage) */barry voice*

Give it a slap bass solo and you've got a great song. Somewhere between a smooth jam and funk. It is the song we all need right now. I think you have just saved us.

thanks, doggie.

as one of my own quotes goes,
i do what i can...and try what i can't.

Off with it.

Fat people have lots of back problems. And you're right, excessive boobage is a pain in the back (lived with a buxom lass once).

So today I realized that my mom is possibly more immature than I am. We were at a seder at this really posh apartment in Riverdale where everyone was all serious about observing the proper rituals and stuff, and both of us kept getting antsy and bored during the long Haggadah reading. Plus some people had Russian copies, but my mom only had an English copy and was struggling to make sense of the Biblical speech.

So at one point where it says that the heathens "devoured Jacob and laid waste to his dwelling" my mom asks me what devoured means. I tell her it means they ate him. After a long pause, she points to the second half of the sentence and asks me in one of those whispers that is completely audible to everyone in the room: "So does this mean that after they ate him they crapped in his house?"

I burst out laughing. Then she burst out laughing. This was right in the middle of the reading. I don't think we'll be invited back.

I dunno I'm not convinced by this one example alone... This just shows she's creative. If she was fluent in Biblical English, and she was still having these wacky thoughts come to mind when she reads it, then yeah, that would be a little wacky.

That sounds like one of the most raw things to do to a dude ever. I firmly approve.

[IMGS OFF]
DUH, STAY OUT OF RIVERDALE!

I used to live in Riverdale

Wow, Archie was animated?

... and lived in the Bronx?

Way the hell up there with the goddamn Fedders and there's no chance of getting a taxi for love or money, for Chrissake.

While this did happen so far as I recall, this is actually a reference to the Simpsons.

ARCHIE'S WEIRD MYSTERIES on PIX man.

I used to be a little boy...

What I'd choose was my choice...

The killer in me is the killer in you...

what's a boy supposed to do?

I send this smile over to you

Disarm you with a smile...

faaaaaart

m i do this right?

"laid waste to his dwelling"

Sounds to me more like the heathens marked out a trail to his front door.

Now if Hansel and Gretel had thought of that they wouldn't be remembered today.

What Harpies those heathens must have been to crap the guy back out in his own home, no less!

Seder memories to last a lifetime.

and so began the great anedote fight of '09,

spinynorman I choose you!

*anecdote.

fuck ya.

People all throwing hypodermic needles full of penicillin at each other. Anti-venom all spraying from water pistols.

Whoa in the subscriber section they have "cheers" and "jeers" instead of "chubbies" and "lames"? I'm not sure how to feel there. I mean, it feels maybe a little bit classier, but at the same time it's totally lacking in fun and character.

I think I'll stick with the lowbrow fun down here man.

Oh and thanks for opening it up for a free preview all HBO-style. In my honest assessment I'm really not missing anything, but at least now I was able to make an informed decision on that. As opposed to the one where I just couldn't afford it.

I must say, I'm not even interested in taking a look, rather the way I feel about NYC.

:'(

Girl, you know it's true. I'll lick my dick for you.

How could Ray cold Glock a trashbin? RAY HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

FOOD CHAIN! GET USED TO IT!

I just now noticed that this was cut-and-pasted from that strip... I even failed to get your reference. Damn, but Onstad has gotten extra-lazy. I mean, wouldn't it take more time to remember and track down the precise panel you need than to just re-draw it?

Actually, I feel like the cut and paste job on that panel makes it funnier.

I'll give you a nickel to tickle my pickle.

Limited time offer. Void where prohibited.

Oh God almighty. If there is no "Public Wine" t-shirt forthcoming, I will have to make one myself. With a sharpie.

I would like to see an official "bad-tasting cookies" bandana.

High ray imagines himself as sober ray when doing awesome stuff.

Have a peaceful and possibly even a meaningful Easter kids.

Correct. I wanna cum.

See the thing is the original post wasn't really a declarative true/false statement, more a volitional recommendation so trying to compliment it's truth value doesn't really work in this instance.

Correct. "I wanna cum" does not make sense.

=p=p=p=p

I swear the dick in that avatar gets bigger every time I look at it.

Stop looking at it?

The avatar synergy is just...too much.

what tune is Ray singing here?

"My Dick Smells" in E minor.

It's a sordid tale.

So I'm browsing the archives, and I noticed that some of the strips seem to have very reduced resolution. I wonder is Onstad having the resolution of the archive reduced in order to lessen the harm done from piracy? That way, pirated copies have less value, and the archive it's self has less value, thereby helping stuff like printed books of the archive maintain their value. Not that I'm complaining. It's Onstad's right to do that, and I support the idea of any artist being able to make a living off of their work.

[IMGS OFF]

Am I the only one seeing this?
[IMGS OFF]

No, he just drew the strips smaller back then. They were always that size, even when new.

Achewood was hit pretty hard by the Great Pixel Shortage of February to July 2005, forcing Onstad to reduce the resolution of the comic. Some webcomics chose to maintain their resolution by using cheap, low-quality pixels imported from Chinese pixel mines, leading to garish colours and generally shitty art. In extreme cases, the substandard pixels made it impossible to tell characters apart. It was a period of growth for Diesel Sweeties (which had always practised sustainable pixel farming) and Dinosaur Comics (which had been recycling pixels for years), but for many others they were dark, dark times.

[IMGS OFF]

this is supposed to have been a viral video... but I never saw it... wait... the only viral video I ever saw was the numa numa video... I might be a little out of the loop of this internets thing.

So guys, I was pooping around on the internet and, in a very weird coincidence, I saw Belgand. And it didn't even have anything to do with Achewood. Small world.

pooping around.

weird.

I saw tekende once and verified it was him (hey tekende!) on John Campbell's Hourly Comic thing but that's pretty closely related to this whole world anyway.

I think I saw him (I'm pretty sure it was him) on the comments for Daisy Owl. Also, Stereo goes on teh IRC for xkcd.

And I know you from here!

It was me.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUUU

WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

HIMMM

I'm vaguely interested in where this was. I mean, I do sort of get around a bit and I use the same name and almost always the same avatar everywhere.

I think it was on a site about video games. There was a discussion about a video game called "Fat Princess" that had been linked to on a feminist blog.

Belgand's life was pretty screwed up. He didn't have a lot of options.

That was NeoGAF then. I'm usually fairly active in the Rock Band thread there. Fat Princess is going to be great. Of course, while everyone else was noticing how awesome it looked at E3 some angry fat girl decided that it had to be some sort of weird anti-fat, anti-woman sort of thing. Even though you're still rescuing the lard-ass princess, she just now weighs a ton and is hard to move.

That "angry fat girl" wasMelissa McEwan, one of my heroes.

Her angry tirade was almost a parody of feminism. Especially the part where she failed to understand what she was being appalled by and went on to push for how it is actually a totally great and awesome thing for a person to choose to be fat. Aesthetics aside it is just plain unhealthy. I'm not saying that I'm at my ideal weight, but at least I'm not trying to defend it as being reasonable.

She reminds me a lot of LOneal at her most strident.

There are more serious and weighty issues in life than being fat, for the record, dear fellow, and
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE! NOW GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR, CURL UP IN A FETAL POSITION, AND GET SOME EXISTENTIAL DREAD BECAUSE EVERY DAY IS EXISTENTIAL JUDAS PRIEST FRIDAY!

goddamn. I scare myself, sometimes.

I miss Loneal. I only became an active poster towards the end of her tenure here, but I thought she brought a lot to this board. The locker room stink can get a little overwhelming sometimes.

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