The Kid Who Ended The Mafia.

The Kid Who Ended The Mafia. 02/21/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

You want to see someone act really nice at a party? Slip them some water.

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I think the take away message is that your vote is equal to how well you feel at the time. I had just finished drinking a glass of water, and I gave it a 5 at 'SSSH!'.

Woah watch out guys this guy is going to get nice on all of your arses.

I love how Johnny warns Phillipe of the impending Mafia attack. Johnny rolled over real quick.

Johnny Tomorrows is making a Phone Call to Johnny Phone Calls Today. Be Nice.

AH-GHEEB! I tink youse guys is crazy!

Hmmm... I actually think its more like garfield is a medium point in children's print media. Calvin and hobbes being a high point. When I was a kid I ate that shit up, like goosebumps. If you want to read garfield as an adult and expect to be satisfied (in whatever way you are looking for), I suggest heavy, heavy drug consumption. And if you are taking that many drugs, I suggest doing something other than reading garfield. Now if you are 5, there is something about an orange cat that eats lasagna and hates mondays that hits close to home...

At least it hit close to home for me because I was fat and ate a lot. Now I'm.. still fat and still eat a lot.

fuck

Try cold water instead of the lasagna. I'd try it, except . . . I REALLY like the lasagna. (And I'm not big on Mondays.)

Man I logged in just to chubby that, chubby.

Quote:

If you want to read garfield as an adult and expect to be satisfied (in whatever way you are looking for), I suggest heavy, heavy drug consumption.

Try http://www.lasagnacat.com/

I never understood the genius of Jim Davis until I was introduced to Lasagna Cat a few weeks ago.

Quotes? What is this devilry?

I don't like lasagna cat, but I think this is a great comic.

WHAT? How can you not like this?

It's probably got a lot to do with it not being funny, or interesting.

Feh! FEH!

I'm pretty sure Family Circus takes the cake over Garfield.

Although, the premise of almost every Family Circus is, "Ha ha ha, kids are fucking dumb." Which is a point of intersection twixt my own opinions and those of Family Circus.

Family Circus just might be the worst comic strip in the history of comic strips. It's so dumb that nothing it says can even be considered a joke, or comedic. It's just mind-numbingly devoid of any merit whatsoever.

"Oh my goodness look at the child mispronounce a word how precious is that"

Can't resist piling on. FC is beyond dumb. It is malevolent, mentally crippling and churchy, which was also unforgivable in B.C. It soils my eyes.

Hmmm, I just realized that I chubbied a comment that mentioned Family Circus. Now my name's probably on a list somewhere. :(

What? Oh, a death list.

...Just as planned.

I'll throw in my vote for listing Family Circus as the worst comic strip.

KEIKAKO DOORI

Family Circus is awful, no doubt, but somehow The Born Loser always manages to take the shitty comic strip cake.

Yeah, man. The Born Loser is disgusting.

OH JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS THIIIS SHIIIITTTTFUCKYOUMAN,FUCKYOU.

No man deserves what you just linked me to. I'd have rather been it had been a shock site.

Chubbied you though for the horrific enlightenment.

THIS IS THE MOST TERRIBLE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN

Why does this exist? Do the same elderly that watch a television that happens to feature talking animals and chortle (I possess guilty grandparents) also read this strip? It is abysmal. The joke almost becomes of merit in that it makes one feel like a cartoonist due to the reader's ability to predict, or more typically, out-humour the joke every time.

That's bad... but what's with all this talk of bad comics, without mentioning Hagar?

FUCKING HAGAR, MAN.

Is worst comic, read by senilest person.

A few days ago, when I had yet to find Comics Curmudgeon, I'd agree.

But this "pluggers" is a turd of human endeavor, and the humane thing to do would be to drag it into the street and shoot it.

Oh we're doing this? I don't care if I'm a year late, I nominate Wee Pals. Unintentionally offensive to the very people it tries to pander to and insipid.

Oh wow. That's...that is just awful.

Yikes. You win.

Case in point.

It wants to taste the curb! IT WANTS TO TASTE THE CURB!

That makes me physically ill. It turns my bowels to water. My left eye no longer sees as well as the right. Three fingernails just sloughed off my hand and fell to the floor.

What have you done.

Again I shall endorse The Comics Curmudgeon. It is the only cure for such horrors as these.

This scraped a 4 for me because of panel five.
It is, in general, a rather quick write-off of a staple strip for Phillipe: oddly innocuous, naive stories about "illicit" activities. There's nothing new here, and no jokes that jump out as a point of focus.
Furthermore, what's wrong with utilizing the entire scale in relation to, perhaps, Achewood itself? Not every strip is a masterpiece. That's the expectation of a daily in any medium.

Am I allowed to interpret the scale of 1-5 as only applying to this comic? Then a rating of 1 would be just as acceptable as a rating of 5. If you use more of the scale, you can divide up all the comics to reflect your opinion more accurately. If you only use 4-5, you are basically saying 'this one is good' and 'this one is not as good'.

A 3 does not mean BAD. People who complain that a strip 'only rates 4.1' should eat a loaf of bread and go to sleep.

A whole loaf!!!!????!!?

i hope not!

End pieces and all!

Chubbies for every Krazy Kat!

THE PROFESSOR HAZARD SCALE OF ACHEWOOD RATINGS:

1 = Bad art, no emotion. Rarely used, mostly in the first twenty or thirty strips of the series. (Alternately, used on reposts despite their quality.)
2 = Generally reserved for photographic strips (baby hiatus). Also used on a strip that promises something but never delivers (the nautical tale of Molly Sanders).
3 = Average art, average emotion. Generally the "social commentary" ones get this. Also given to jokes that I feel are too highbrow, and just end up making me feel dumb.
4 = (The art score doesn't really change much from this point, because this is a copy and paste comic) Good emotion. Appreciable drama or humor. Used if I understand a joke/moment is there, but do not physically react to it. Most comics are fours.
5 = A comic is automatically fived if I laugh out loud while reading it or its alt text. Similarly, if it is a dramatic storyline, this score is given for particularly touching moments.

Today's comic garnered a five. It was looking like a four, but the last panel combined with the alt text got a laugh out of me.

You interpreted The Story of Molly Sanders as a "promise," professorhazard? I'm pretty sure it was a joke which began an ended with that one strip. Just like there was never actually going to be a strip in which Ray dramatically lamented the loss of his DAAAAAAAANG NAAAAACHOS! It was just a funny contrast between the epic and the banal. Whatever. It just seems sad that you'd drag the rating of a beautiful piece of comic art down just 'cause you missed the boat. But hey, it's your rating to use. Just don't go callin' Onstad a lier when his genius moves too quick.

Depending on who you ask, that nacho storyline was, in fact, resolved.

What about that GODDAMN CHICKEN RECIPE?

I can't account for everything, but I will go so far as to cite the time that Lie Bot predicted Teodor's death, which then came to pass on that date. Fulfilling that callback to an earlier strip set the standard for whether or not we should expect that kind of attention to detail in the future.

Just wondering: did this get lamed because I said there "ain't much standards in Achewood?" Maybe I should've been more clear; there really ain't much in the way of standards when it comes to fictional integrity in its continuity (I didn't specify originally, I apologize). I can't believe you'd think that the instances where Onstad has "resolved" storylines should set a standard when numerous other plot resolutions have never occurred (or may wind up "unsatisfying," in a traditional sense). He even jokes on himself for this problem in the Ray Goes To Hell arch.

We all realize that Onstad has an amazing attention to detail in general, but I think that if you expect it to consitently manifest itself in plotlines and character histories, then you might be disappointed more than you'd like to be.

The trick is to absolutely not care about your lames and chubbies.

I almost do that, but my slight deviation of your formula is that I care about the Chubbies.

Wow. I can't remember the last time I misspelled a four letter word. "Liar" is what I meant up there, obviously. Thanks to everyone who thought about laming that and then didn't.

Lier - One who lies down; one who rests or remains, as in concealment.

It still kind works!

You understand that I am making fun of myself here, not my fine colleague Rowboat - if that is, indeed, for what you "conscripted lamers" are laming me.

I have a theory regarding the need to lame with abandon, and it has something to do with preadolescent exposure to tubgirl, goatse, and LOLCats. I must apply Science to proof my equations. Please stand by whilst I ring up Kiki Sanford.

My name is Rowboat, and I endorse this message.

I lamed you because I am tired of people needlessly correcting themselves. Rowboat didn't get a lame because he managed to make it sorta interesting, but yours was just annoying.

Feel free to lame me in return.

I don't know - I see that as one of the interesting things about this place. I mean, it can be taken too far, but it really does speak to the overall literacy of the regulars, here, which is refreshing. There's something to be said for that, I think. But it's your lame to give, so have at it.

Lame you in return? Come on, man.

So if Onstad uses any reference you don't get, instead of looking it up and enjoying the strip all over again, you just give it a 3 and move on?

It is my opinion that the rating system should stand as a barometer for how the common man takes the comic at face value, regardless of whether or not I then go on to learn about the subject at hand.

The common man? Fuck him, this is Achewood, he is not why we're here. Or perhaps he is, in his absence. Anyway, the path of self-improvement possibly lies in the attitude that my lack of knowledge is my problem and not Onstad's. Nice to have kinds of barometers though.

Chubby for the comment AND for Simon (fucking) Amstell! Lo, if only I had two chubs to give...

I rate based on how much I liked the comic, not on how High Quality I think it is. So if I didn't get it, I didn't like it much, yeah?

I believe Beef's face to be an accurate indicator of each rating. For the record, I don't think I've ever rated below a 3.
1: Beef is sad. The comic left me feeling worse than before I read it.
2: Beef is disappointed. The comic does not hold up to the Achewood standard.
3: Beef is expressionless. The comic was unmoving.
4: Beef is smirking. The comic was funny, but not great.
5: Beef is laughing. The comic was exemplary, and reaches a level all other comics aspire for.

I think our rating gauges are more or less in tune with each other.

Upon closer examination, yes. Yours just has more self-actualization in identifying what about the comic makes you emote as such. A reflective chubby to your original, sir.

Well, since people are doing this, I'll throw in my two cents with a different spin.

1 - Most guest strips and all reruns.

2 - Some of the early stuff and some of the picture "vacation" strips (unless the text was great, which it was, occasionally).

3 - A strip which had promise but somehow failed to deliver.

4 - The average rating. I'd say 70% of all strips are rated four by me. And by "average" I mean average by Achewood standards only, as even an "average" Achewood is far better than any other contemporary humor comic of which I am aware.

5 - A strip which has stitched itself into the fabric of my consciousness. One which sleeps behind my eyes. One which I often remember at odd times and which I would like to have show up on my profile so as to be quickly tracked down.

That's how I do it. I know you don't care.

oh shit. 5 means you like it the most? i thought 1 meant you liked it, like THIS IS NUMBER 1!!

number 1 whooo! Gold medal! USA USA USA

HA, YES.

I don't use the rating system, myself--I just read and enjoy.

Hooray. Either do I. We do comment though... so we don't just read.

I don't comment, eith- aw, man...

I would by no means act nice if someone slipped me some water at a party. That would be extremely irritating.

I get nice on Maker's Mark. And I EXPECT Maker's Mark. If I get red wine instead, yes I get grouchy.

This is a good ratings system. It is a respectable ratings system, that a man could use.

so does that mean you went back and retroactively awarded the molly sanders story a 2 after you decided too much time had passed? and that you will also return to give it a 3 should it ever be fulfilled?

but thanks for validating the 3 i gave this one.

Well, originally I read the entire series without rating anything. Then I got an Acheworld account and read the entire series again, and rated some that I liked. Then I decided I should really do my part, and read the entire series again and rated every strip.

You have just described my experience word for word. Although, for it to be a real mirror image of myself, you would've had to have ended with "and now I don't anything else."

Too many mistakes today. Getting lazy. Getting stupid.

"and now I don't do anything else."

I do things.

If you do anything else, you're not a true fan.

That's okay. Maybe it's not that great to be a true fan.

I'm starting to wonder if you understand that none of the posts I've made in this thread were meant to be taken seriously. Except for the part about my being lazy and stupid, or course.

Well, if you find yourself really getting into the swing of wondering, let me know.

My wondering days are over.

I find that I'm apparently far too easily entertained. Very, very few strips fall below the 4 mark for me.

It... makes me feel a little cheap, honestly...

I gave today's a five because I laughed at several points throughout the strip, Johnny Phone Calls being my favorite. Also, it occurs to me that every kid should be given a typewriter. They're noisy, visually impressive, creative outlets. Kids who want to be president usually also have a typewriter. I have no facts to back this up, but somehow, I just know it to be true.

(Also, I'm b-b-b-bandwagon-ing the Krazy Kat. I shall accept lames on this basis but please take into account the awsomeness of Offisa Pup before doing so.)

Is it a bandwagon? I hadn't noticed.

The games they play, them two!

I agree. I don't interpret the ratings as being "achewood versus print media;" I interpret them as being "this achewood as opposed to other achewods."

That said, I realize that most of Acheworld thinks of the rating system as "achewood versus print media" and I don't like to impose my views on them, so I generally only rate strips I think are deserving of a four or five, and leave Acheworld to its own devices on the rest.

"achewod"...led me to the perfect name for Achewood fans: Achewads. Kind of like a fuckwad

They should take away all the buttons and replace it with one called Circle Jerk. Put a counter on that sucker and you guys would click it all day.

Twisted mind, withered brain. You know I'm going insane. I just tell him to get back, when Sortelli tells me how to act.

I've got Acheworld up my ass.

They have a balm for that, I think.

That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard (I mean, you know, besides a bunch of other idiotic things). The whole point of this rating system is to differentiate between how good the different strips are. Can you understand the concept of a low ceiling? Are you honestly saying that this strip right here is every bit as good as "Until You are So Nude" or "The Dick Molecule"? Those strips made me laugh harder than "What are you in for Nice Pete", which made me laugh harder than this one. I don't think I've rated any strip 1, and I think I've only pushed 2 for a couple of guest strips and ones where there was only character development and nothing else, but demanding that there be only two options makes you an undiscriminating jackass. Don't force it on everyone else.

Regarding this particular strip, I never found the Philippe-centered strips that funny, unless he is being lied to or something bad is happening to him. Yea it's cute, but it's not FUNNY. If I wanted this kind of crap, I'd go back to my old job and listen to the lady in the next cubicle gush about her kids.

"...omg an opinion I disagree with, LAME! I'm so cool."

I am having trouble discerning exactly what this is a reply to.

Why, it's elementary, just measure the distance from the left side of the screen to my comment, then scroll up about 20 screens... god, I love assetbar. Anyway, it's a reply to the guy who demanded that we get rid of ratings 1-3. Silver_lake I believe.

actually, I'm laming you because the tone of your post is prickish, although I agree with the content.

...now i feel like i overreacted.
but still, i made a statement...
very well.
HERE ARE YOUR LICKS SAH.

[IMGS OFF]

so... cute...

cute death

Which is inherently similar to heat death.

You slowly explode over a period of billions of years?

But pales in comparison to fan death

Fan death is so ridiculous I'm sort of surprised Onstad hasn't done a comic yet wherein Roast Beef either subscribes to or ridicules the belief.

It takes a big ol' fan to do much more than nip off a fingertip. That would be so gruesome.

You misunderestimate fan death. Fan death is the belief (held almost solely in Korea) that leaving an electric fan on in a room for an extended period of time (like when you sleep) will suffocate you. Many fans sold there have timers that will turn off after a set amount of time.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fan_death

It seems like Koreans have enough to be afraid of without burdening themselves with this.

Or better yet, DIES FROM FAN DEATH. Beef hasn't died in ages. Nobody has (except Nolan, maybe). We have lost our connection to the apartment complex that was Heaven and the wasteland that was Hell.

INCREDIBLE CUTE DEATH

Come on now 6 lames for saying it was okay? You take okay as an insult? You lame police are going too far.

Lame police are looking through my outbox
Lame police are talking to my niece
Lame police will lame a furry avatar-fox
Commenter, Cancel Post, it's Lame police!

what will you do if they let you go home...
and the plastic's all melted and so is the chrome...

You and your... Cheap Schtick.

Oh, no.

I want you... to want... ah, you get the idea:
[IMGS OFF]

If you want to banter,
take my hand.
Or if you want to lame me down in anger,
here I stand.
I'm your spam.

Chubby for setting such a Romantic Tone.

I gotta give you credit for A) fessing up and B) explaining reasonably

George R.R. Martin is a good writer, but I think "greatest Epic Storyteller of our generation" is stretching it.

have pity. it's late and i have class tomorrow.

...or, in a different light, it's EARLY, and i have class in SIX HOURS.

I am in a similar situations. It is six AM, but at least I finished a game of thrones. I would agree that he is the greatest epic fantasy writer of the past ten years, if only because that's such a narrow category and epic fantasy hasn't exactly been a booming business.

It just depends on how short a period of time you define a generation to be.

For a short time in 1996, I was the greatest writer of a bacterial generation.

You know, I really like George R.R. Martin. I can't wait to pick up the next book so I can find out what happened to all his interesting, sympathetic characters... OH WAIT, THEY'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD.

Well thanks for ruining everything. SPOILERFACE.

That's so not true. Arya and Jon aren't dead yet

(Insert your desired punctuation at the end of previous comment.)

I decided to add my own spin on this challenge.

That is SO not true!! Arya and Jon aren't dead yet!!

I love the idea that Gravel is very emphatic about Jon and Arya. <3

If Jon dies I will consider quitting the books, but then end up still reading them anyway.

DUDE! NO!

I AM ONLY ON THE SECOND BOOK, MAN.

MAN.

Well, he's the greatest Something.

Hi poing. Sup man?

Oh...oh my lord...So much wrong with that comment...odder *twitch* unmerited profanity *twitch* expecting realism in a comic about "alive stuffed animals" *twitches repeatedly until the tremors dissipate* And poing? I don't know if you heard, but Philippe is- C'mon, let's hear it now!

Really? Four hours and no response? Fine, all together now- FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poing is a member of the assetbarrio untouchables caste. Do not make eye contact, lest you reincarnate as a pokemon forum troll.

OMG U NO CUTERINAMARIOMERAN IS SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH KOOLER THAN TUFFLIKEOMGTHATPOKEMONISSOTUFF U SUCK. ANYWAY EVERY1 NOS THAT DIGIMON RULEZ ANYWAY~!

*SMACK*

SNAP OUT OF IT.

Oh...oh God...wha-what happened?

I look forward to the 10th frame..

Panel 10:

MEANWHILE.

"What the heck is this?" said Johnny Phone Calls.
"It's an Achewoodian message. They say Mikey Car Rides sleeps with the fishes."
"AWWWW GHEEB"

FURTHERMORE.

"I knew it was you, Phillipe. You broke my heart. YOU BROKE MY HEART!"

After all that Ray, Philippe is like a glass of cold, familiar water. You need water. I can't always be Ketel.

No wonner Ray been-a so grouchy! He hadda no Phillipe!

Watch out with that water. It seems like easy stuff, but then it gets right up on top of you and you winding up craving that crazy shit, sitting in some diner trying to get your hands to stop shaking, digging for change through your pockets to call a cab...

We been there. We been there.

Everyone knows water is a gateway drug to the harder stuff... Ice. Waitress brings you a glass, it's got like two cubes in it.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT? I WANT IT COLD DAMN IT, DID YOU EVEN RUN THE TAP BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS GLASS?

Pretty soon you're taken to court to pay for her reconstructive surgery.

Bad times.

True Fact: A lady in a water-drinking no-peeing car-winning contest died from too much water drinking last year.

Your mama is so fat, she was in a water-drinking no-peeing car-winning contest last year, and when her bladder burst open hot bloody piss sprayed everywhere! Some even got on the mayor.

Not the mayor!

I'm actually pretty sure the lady who died from drinking too much water was trying to win a Wii console, but i'm too lazy to google it

...and then he scrolled one post down and was forced to commit honorable suicide.

Actually, it was a water-drinking no-peeing Wii-winning contest, and the saddest thing? She was trying to win it for her kids before she...y'know...exploded...

My grandmother almost went into a coma because she drank too much water over like a period of 3 months. She was trying to cure a nerve problem that someone told her could be cured by decreasing your salt intake.

It was actually to win a Wii.

The contest was called something to the effect of "Hold Your Wee for a Wii"

In fact, it's been happening for a long time...
[IMGS OFF]

That's what it means to be from Maine.

also Poland.

I am actually in Maine. If it didn't involve total illegality, I could bottle what comes out of my tap and sell it as Poland Spring, as it comes from the same general source. Yet, they sell it in the market here. Doesn't say much for intelligent life in Maine, does it?

Is it true that Bar Harbor is a small drinking town with a fishing problem?

Oh noes! Heh, well, I think you're talking about Rockland, or maybe Friendship. Friendship also has a stabbing and shooting problem - mostly due to the Lobster Wars.

You're somewhere on the Buxton/Poland water table? I'm somewhere on the Buston/Poland water table!

Philippe's imaginary crime-fighting self is a sailor, and has larger ears.

Those ears have seen some hard times.

Maybe Philippe is older in his fantasy.

that kid in the story is not Five. his ears have advanced.

But lo! The real Phillipe has sprouted ears as well!

Oh...I...goddamnit! How long has Phillipe had ears? And why wasn't I informed?

we were all informed at the Achewood Company Meeting/Spatchcock Chicken Supper.

Didn't you get the memo?

No, I missed it, I was attending a series of lectures in a nearby town.

So you're the reason I couldn't find How To Weep The Weepy-Weep Way at my local Blockbuster!

This joke may go without understanding from a lot of readers, but upon watching an episode of Buffy, my boyfriend pressured me to make this:

[IMGS OFF]

She's got that quivering chin move down cold.

A-BLOOO-BLOO-BLA-BLA-BLOOO

Bixschmix will save children, but not the British children.

She'll kick you apart. She'll kick you apart, OOH!

that is a Good Photoshop job. a chubby for thee!

Wow. o_o

Thanks! And to the other chubbiers. I feel all happy now.

I was one. I can't speak for anyone else here, but I, for one, am still completely baffled by the capabilities of that program. I've still never tried to use it. It seems like there is a difference between Photoshop and Internet. Is that right?

Only if you listen to the Communists.

Photoshop is your friend. Internet is not.

I thought the backboard was my friend.

You didn't use Michelle Trachtenburg?

Season 5: I'm not like everyone else, I'm a freak! (weeps)
Season 6: Give me attention! (weeps, battles kleptomania)
Season 7: I'm completely normal and don't like it! (weeps)

Ha. See, but I like Willow. Also, her tears can destroy your soul. Like when Oz left. Or when she realized she was evil and Tara was dead. Or... YOU TRICKED ME INTO GEEKING

You totally nerded in front of everyone.

EEEEEEEEEEEW!!

It's so he can hear when a Mafia Guy is acting out.

Philippe has angry ears.

if phillipe ran the mafia it would be specialized as fuck

example: vinny car bombs, bobby laundry, etc.

vince cheese puffs

Jimmy Accounting, Tony Cooks the Meals, Tommy Lawyer...

Frankie Cement Shoes, Johnny Tire Iron, Luigi "Drug Dealer" Drug Dealer, Vincienzo Olive Oil Company Store Front Worker...

is it acceptable to have more than one johnny/vinny/bobby/mikey in one mafia?

yes, but they have to work on different sides of the city.

unspoken law of the mafia.

Yo, Johnny Phone Calls... give Joey Offer-Maker a ring. Frankie Sings Good needs help with a little problem.

it looks like Frankie Sings Good is getting stiffed by Joseph Makes Films out in Hollywood. Frankie Sings Good would be great in the lead roll of his new movie, "Cool Things Happening", but Joseph Makes Films already picked Burt Acts Okay.

Hey, Lionel Wears A Hat At A Rakish Angle, take this lasagna over to Vito Got Shot In The Face And Don't Talk So Good No More

Lionel sounds like the token wrong-side-of-the-tracks Irishman.

Lionel will definitely be leaving before he has to watch Vinny eat that lasagna.

So Frankie doesnt go to Hollywood?

I just laughed out loud at a comment. Never thought that would happen. You win, sir.

Out-of-chubbies-approval for this comment!

In fact I was just telling Sammy Crazy Eyes about that, and I was trying to be sensitive about it but he went and blabbed to Jerry Silly Kids and Bing Beats His Wife and there were no cuddles at anyone's household that night.

Excellent

I just noticed your avatar is a picture of Wally Crooked Insurance Salesman and Phyllis Husband Killer.

OH YEAH it's all coming back to me now, they lose the last name and get called [geographic location] [first name] or something similar

south side steve, philly steve, and so on

Orthodontic Jake

I'm pretty sure those are the only names allowed in mafiae.

I'm not sure how the mafia would react to being conjugated as a feminine noun...

I'm not sure how a noun would react to being conjugated.

It makes them feel all tingly.

Later on, confused and kind of ashamed.

Good zing.

It is required.

I don't know about the President of the Mafia, but I get goddamned lovely on some red wine. It's brown liquor and a full-time job that makes me wanna kick a five-year-old otter.

sir, it is in your best interest to not kick the five year old otter. remember, he took down the mafia. he could take you down in a five-year-old second.

what the hell is a five-year-old second? somebody please tell me.

Phillipe is five. What was your first question again?

Hey morelaak! Your other personality asked you a question.

It's a complicated matter of physics. Here's Tony Good Will Hunting to explain.

A five-year-old second is a period of five years over which a second takes place.

Thanks Tony.

for me, it's more like a series of events. the job makes me want the red wine, then the red wine makes me act out. oh, and then i read some achewood to quell my job-and-wine-induced-acting-outness.

I once knew a guy well he on a dare had some water.
Next thing I know he's saving babies from fires and helping old lady's cross the street and call their grandchildren.

Phillipe's chosen genre is pure gold.

Not only is it an adventure, but it has a lesson for us to learn too.

Edutainment!

I think I saw most of this on an episode of The Wire just the other day.

I saw that one too. Except the plan didn't work because there was no room in the budget for glasses of water.

You know what I could do right now? I could type, in all caps, "SO FUCKING CUTE." But I'm not going to. Because that would be silly, and you guys probably wouldn't like it because it doesn't seem like something Phillipe would say.

So yeah, I just wrote something about not writing.

Graaah! The public needs you to invoke your screaming Phillipe avatar!!

Don't put him in a box, man. He's trying to grow.

yeah.

Now listen, I can't stay out too late, because I have to kill my girlfriend tomorrow.

Chuckles. Rough ones.

He's trying to get in to our heads, you know?

Well when you do it try not to wake me up. Maybe pull her to the far side of the bed first.

[img]http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y198/exige85/tintin2.jpg[/i]
That's all I have to say.

Well that was embarrassing.

[IMGS OFF]

Seriously? Only four declared Tintin fans on all of Assetbar? Bit of a shame, really.

Cinco!

Oh, I'll declare it. And keep declarin'. But this man right here is all out of chubbies, you see.

Tintin kicks Poirot's (spelling?) ass anyday.

This is how I see it: Achewood, Calvin & Hobbes, Tintin, 3 Greatest Comics. I don't want to order them. Achewood for its use of language and character development and human truth, C&H for imagination and character especially in a restrictive format, Tintin for its art, plot, and Thompson and Thomson. Negative points for the racism, though.

Philippe! Good job, you ended the Mafia! Here is your reward:

[IMGS OFF]

MMmmm fishsicle.

Everyone loves this.

Whoa, Chuvak! Your last avatar was Vladimir Putin giving some me straight talk before kicking my ass with judo. Now it's Mr. T giving me some straight talk before kicking my ass with ridiculously overmasculinized Christianity! How come?

I used to live in Russia, now I live in Ukraine (not sure why Mr. T and not, say Ukrainian President Yushchenko...). TRIVIA TIME: "Chuvak" is Russian slang for "dude". YAY!

Speciba for the info, chubak.

MMmmm Otter Pop.

69 Chubbies? NO ONE TOUCH THIS. IT MUST STAY THE WAY IT IS.

Aww, HELL yeah. I been hoping the little dude would bust out the typewriter again.

Also "Johnny Phone Calls" is a perfect Mafia name.

Anyone else think Philippe has been reading a lot of Cornelius' old Popeye strips?

I think Achewood ahs been great lately but this is the first one in a while that just had me basically cackling the entire time I was reading it. It will be a while before I can think about the name "Johnny Phone Calls" without laughing.

He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.

Also, I was amused by this note on www.selfellatio.com:

"Self sucking is an extreme solo sexual act. To self suck one must be healthy, flexible and know your body's limits. Before attempting any form of exercise especially auto-fellatio you should talk with your Doctor."

(btw Achewood is really bad for my browser history)

Yeah, that's a conversation you want to have with your doctor.

I can only imagine the doctor's reaction.

"Uh...what? Um. Oh shit there's my pager bye!"

I now imagining Dr. Hibbard.

"heh heh heh. Never come to my office again!"

I am not familiar with this man (or perhaps woman), Dr. Hibbard.

Simpsons doctor (I think). That laughs all the time.

Thanks for making me feel old, guys.

I would dearly love to see how House would react to this.

Or Dr. Cox.

"Tell you what there, I'm just gonna give you a big NO-ho-ho on that one, and I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for a prostitute, because you, buddy, need to get la-hay-hay-hay-aid."

Isn't that how Kennedy died?

Ha! It "violated" the "terms of service!" Wink, wink - nudge, nudge! An nudge is good as a wink to a blind bat, eh, squire? Whoooaaaa!

Wait- now it's back? Photobucket must have some autofellatio practitioners in the I.T. department.

And now it's gone again. They DO have autofellatists in their I.T. department, but they're indecisive because they suffer from multiple personality disorder.

That may sound like an affliction, but maybe one of those personalities is a supermodel named Felicia, which probably enhances autofellatio when she's the dominant persona.

Now even I'm a little confused.

If you want me to stop fellating myself, I have a job for you.

ATENTION VERY IMPORTNAT!
THIS IS CHRIS RONSTANT WITH A MESSAGE 4 U:
if u do not repost this leter 6 times i wil shut dwn ackewood! i need u 2 do this so i can c if u r devoted enuf to my cite. if u do not do this ackewood will go offline FOREVER and phillipe will turn 6 and DIE

Hehe, Chris Ronstant. The replies to this one should be entertaining.

Also, i think the mouse in your avatar actually is self-fellating.

Ain't no mouse. He's a chinchilla.

In my defense, both of these posts were made at five in the morning.

It's OK Mr Hicks, you dead drug addict stand-up types lead such irregular lives.

Every third reply to my comments is always a direct reference to my avatar. This would be awesome, except none of them are ever clever, or referential to a specific bit.

Also, Bill quit all the good drugs well before he died. Kept smoking though.

Bill Hicks? He's not here. He's not gonna be here. Now what? Now where are we? We're here with you interrupting me again, you fucking idiot! We're here at the same point again, where you, the fucking peon masses, can once again ruin anyone who tries to do anything because you don't know how to do it on your own! That's where we're fucking at! Once again, the useless wastes of fucking flesh that has ruined everything good in this goddamn world! That's where we're at!

That's because verbatim quoting Bill is about as dumb as verbatim quoting Monty Python. Or Achewood.

Do you see that Assetbar? I just fucking zinged you

Taking a stroll through the archives I couldn't help but notice this post in which i had been a cock not only to strangers, but to strangers that have proven themselves to like both Achewood and Bill Hicks. I am sorry for this, dovey and other people

I have seen a chinchilla self-felate. This was after it roundly abused a stuffed animal.

This is good. This is a good story about a small mammal.

my name is chris, a beautiful man from us.. internet is a good place to meet friends or even more, right? I just want to find a mature lady for fun time here... maybe to be my sugar mommy.. i also uploaded my hot and sexy photos under the name mad_ruddy4u on SugarCupid.com..maybe you want to?

Try what I did. Only $10k up front.

this reference is a little obscure but I am not looking to refinance my mortgage at this time.

agreed! out of chubbies, though.

oh fuck yes yes yes yes. this is the first five in a long time. get down.

Andrew Moreland becomes:

Andretti Needlenose Pliers.

a slight tweak to the rules? the one or two word noun should be something that can be used in a Mafia-y way.

Fair enough, but to be honest pretty much anything can be used in a mafia-y way.

Petey Umbrella Gun

morelaak, eat a loaf of bread and go to sleep. You have class soon.

I'm Linny Chicken Wire.

Man, the rules of this game are so stringent.

Mikey Garden Shears.

Chellino 'da Dino' Spaghetti Dinners w/ Poisons

aaaalright!

hahahaha, oh my god.

That is an epic name.

Robino Cassette Tapes.

Milo Meatpacking Plant.

L...Lorena Desk Lamp?

I think my Mafia name generator is broken.

That was the 100th piece of my soul that I have given to Assetbar! This is a milestone!

Oh, I remember my 100th post like it was yesterday.

Wow.

What does fresh air taste like?

It tastes like babies' bottoms.

You're closing in on 1000 dude. Con...congratulations?

My job offers massive swaths of free time. I guess I feel pretty OK about the fact that I was essentially paid to make about 800 or so of those.

How do you tell how many posts you've made?

Click your icon. It'll take you to your public profile, where such things as total comments, chubbies recieved, and lames received are documented.

Thanks oodles. Please find on your person one (1) chubby.

Rachel is hard to make Italian. :(

Just make it Rach. I guess. Or, like...Toots.

In those cases make up new, more Italian names.

Rae

I advise you to go by "Lorena the Knife." SUPER scary, believe you me.

- Davey Chicken Cacciatore

Davey Bass Guitar

I think I'm doing it wrong

Les Drum Machine.

Les sounds cooler than my whole first name, promise.

Earendilli Ball-peen
(Unfortunately often gets abbreviated to 'airy balls)
((You don't even want to know what the dirtier-minded mafiosi do with the "peen"))

Benny Brown Rice

Rosie Markerboard? I blame class.

Joey Icepick

Robbie Wacom Tablet. You flip on me an' I'm a-gonna do yas wit' dis here stylus. Clone stamp your ass. Knowhudimsayin'?

Henri Carrier-Pigeon.

Maxie Mum Cuddles

That sounds so badass. Not a variation on my real name, but:
a) My real name is to hard to Mafiaticate
b) Revealing indentities on the Interwebs is baaaaaaaad.

I figure it is too late for me to not reveal my identity on the int0r wabs. Everything is up there and probably accessible within ten minutes of searching: address, phone number, social security number, hopes, dreams, unsavory political views. I'm 95% sure I'll die by Internet-induced stalker murder.

Hmmm, could you possibly be a 20-year-old female?

Oh God, I always knew it was gonna end like this. You even know what shirt I was wearing yesterday and you made it your avatar nooooo!

Say your prayers...
Oh wait.
You're an athiest

I am in love with your misspelling of atheist. It makes it look like an adjective.
"I'm the athiest of all!"

The trouble is that I'm too lazy to actually stalk you.

Wait, are middle names even allowed?

So, this is pronounced: "ah(n)-REE, carry-AY pish-OH(N)?"
No relation to Henri Cartier-Bresson, I take it.

Nicky Negligence

i would not be a success as a mafia employee

Nicky Nailfingers sounds more bad-ass, go with that.

Is there any way to make "Starr" sound Italian?

STELLLAAAAAAAAA!

Oh, very good.

I should have thought of that... I had a teacher in elementary school who used to call me Stella.

Simono Odd Hat?

Tina Cheese Grater

Lizzy Popsicle Sticks

If you agree to leave the Mafia, you can upgrade your name to Lizzy Fishsicle Sticks.

I'm gonna go with Tony Whiskey Bottles.

Jessi The Nail

Davey Large Duck?

I... think I'm doing it wrong.

No, alliteration is good.

Jimmy the Snitch

Andre TV Remotes

Phillipe had better be careful. Doesn't he know that too much water can mess you up real good?

I got so many friends who went that way. They got too nice. They were found midway through delivering cookies to nursing homes, all fixed grins, all "thinking of you" cards half stuffed into envelopes.

FINALLY! Loved Mr. Bear's expression on the last one though this satisfies!

Maybe that explains this.
[IMGS OFF]

ha! i like what you did here. phillipe is trying to reach out to cornelius, but he just doesn't get it.

Philippe will always be five...because that's the rating he always gets from me!

Badda bing, badda boom.

Gah, meta-chub for the wavelength that we share Mr-Tabby.

Mafia apparachiks should all be named for their specific functions: I would save mafia confusion:

"Who's a-gonna dispose of da body" ...Tony Dumper

My name would be Frederico Does the Taxes.

Andre Unemployed

Jessi the Oven? :<

Lacey Do It Yourself You Lazy Asswad

Something like this would have made for a much better ending to the Sopranos.

Most things would have made a better ending to The Sopranos. The ending to Mad About You would have made a better ending.

Whoa, that is an old-school reference there. The ending to Mad About You was hella crazy. Divorce and shit? What the hell, right.

That show kinda sucked anyway so I guess it was fitting.

Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for ruining the final episode of Mad About You for me. I was finally about to get around to watching it, too.

Does TiVo come with a time machine now?

My great-grandma willed a VHS tape of it to me. She told me to watch it only once I'd stopped missing her. That was gonna happen in three days.

...hot damn.

I gotta say, this went to kind of a weird place.

If my grandma willed me a VHS, I'd blank it? I reckon, it says Mad about you on it, but she taped over the episode to reveal your sordid history. Not a chance to take, I reckon.

Wow. Yeah, now that I look closer at it, I see that it actually says, "MAD ABOUT YOU....being such an asshole great-grandson that you'd write that horrible punk rock song when you were sixteen about wishing I'd never given birth to your grandmother and so on."

Yeah. I think I'll blank it.

Didn't Paul Reiser get eaten by an Alien in the finale? Man, I loved that part.

There's no question that was the highlight of his career - getting us all to root for a scary alien killing machine.

Suddenly, the phone rang.
"That will-a be my momma," said Don Cigars. "I gotta-a take-a dis."
"One thing I can say for you Mafia men," said the kid, "you're all very good to your mommies!"
They laughed, "Hahahaha!"
Then the boy said, "That reminds me, I need to phone my mommy too!"

Panel #4. Best action panel in Achewood history. Period.

The dude was one second away from kicking him...one...but the kid has got no mercy.

Who knew that Alfred Hitchcock was the President of the Mafia?

Nah, that's Alfredo Cock-Hitcher.

He got to where he is by selling us mysteries.

Interestingly enough, this plan for ending the mafia is lifted straight from Barack Obama's website.

If you don't believe me, you can eat a loaf of bread and go to sleep.

zzzzz

A broke'd phone hand?

Johnny id gonns be one crappy repairman.

Phillippe is racist again.

Love Philippe comics.

This would make me James Lovesphilippecomics if I were a gangster in the story.

Both Phillippe and Ray tend to vocalize their excitement when they have something to write that catches their fancy right, which I suggest is indicative that they have similar, presidential egos that are potentially of a mentor and mentee relationship.

I suggest this.

From this idea, Phillipe covertly slips Roast Beef a cold glass of water, thus making him no longer depressed and anxious. 'Thank you Philippe, how can I ever repay you?' say Roast Beef. 'Don't thank me, just thank the water.' The end

"Oh well shucks uh thanks there water for such as ending a depression of mine !"

now i don't feel so cruddy about my life i mean seeing as i'm from low circumstances and all but that don't bother me now thanks for the cold water phillipe that stuff is real nice.

^ WINNER

I also like how Philippe stalks towards his typewriter. He thinks he is naughty and might get in trouble with the real Mafia for taking them down in his book.

I like how he exclaims in surprise and anticipation in panel 6 at a storyline that he is, at that exact moment, typing. Oh, Philippe. You'll get that Mafia good!

~Janey Finger-splints

Phillipe is a stream-of-consciousness writer

He seems pretty absorbed in his story throughout the whole thing. I think he was just visualizing the characters of his story and reacting to them. Too bad he didn't know to emphasize their reactions by oblivious over-use of italics.

I thought it was Mr Bear's typewriter.

Ahh, that it explains it.

Damn you Bjorntd

The sequel features Johnny Potpourri Sachets, Mikey Submarine Sandwich Franchise, and Freddy Math Tutor.

Also Tommy Burritolingus.

No, he's in the Yakuza. That's Book III.

Okay, so I read your comment here yesterday afternoon, and I did not really get it until this morning as I was driving to work. For no reason, it finally just clicked. Well done. Well done.

I have a few "stories" that some adult wrote down for me when I was five. They were mostly rip-offs of Rescue Rangers episodes. But the narrative style is exactly how Phillippe writes and how little kids talk: all immediate past tense. Also: "AH-GHEEB!"

This reminds me of some of the fiction on [url]realultimatepower.net[/url].

I think this works as a far more effective "strip generator" than what he posted earlier in the week.

In summary, Philippe = amusing. Go with that.

A

I love Phillippe. He's awesome. This is great.

But also: the alt text only works after I click on a strip to view it here, instead of on the homepage. :(

:( ?
Daaamn...somebody just step on a burrito at this place?

This has been on the tip of my mind for a long, long time, but panel five finally drove something home for me.

[IMGS OFF]

I knew I'd seen him somewhere before.

AUGH

Wow. That...can't be intentional, can it?

terrified, i am.

Rowboat, please don't tell me this is hanging on your wall, too - like the McNugget thing. You are scaring me.

Nope. This one hangs in the deepest recesses of my psyche. He waits for me there. I live every day as if it were my last. And he waits.

I gave you a chubby just to keep it away... if only for a little while.

Where is that picture from, even?

That's Betty Boop's friend, Koko the Clown.

It seems that the signature drink of Philippe is still water.

Or King's Piss, when he doesn't feel like being THAT nice.

Philippe may crave water, but when presented with king piss, he drinks it furiously.

So basically the red wine industry inadvertently causes the Mafia to exist?

What do you mean, "inadvertently?"

Next issue: The Kid Who Takes Down The Wine Industry.

(spoiler: they end up just making grape juice. no, not water).

Jesus makes a Special Guest Appearance and does his thing but everyone gets mad at him.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"
"YOU ARE SO ARROGANT!!"

Implying that Phillipe does not love everything Jesus does is a sin, and you must pray.

he didn't like the Pope, so it follows...

He liked him fine until the Pope started lipping about his mother's soul.

Oh, 5 5 5.

This might be one of my all-time favorites. There are so many great things. His actions are so well conveyed. I love Philippe hiding against the wall in panel one, his little sailor suit (!), how he actually gets worried in panel 6, his little "phew" mouth in panel 7, and perhaps most of all, I love how stern he looks when he is pouring the glass of water. "I get VERY nice on this stuff." Okay I know I will be lamed for just pointing out jokes, but I really couldn't help it, this is too great.

"Getting nice" should be a new euphimism for getting drunk.

I thought it was anyway.

Phillipe needs you to understand:

He gets very nice on this stuff.

I greatly enjoy the repetition in Panel 5

I wonder if Phillipe is a current member of the No Cussing Club..

www.nocussing.com

I'm noticing a direct correlation between how much I enjoy a strip and how many instances of furrowed eyebrows it contains. Is this wrong of me? Am I that easy?

I am going to render every single character in this strip as characters for the game Spirit of the Century. Because, as a roleplaying nerd, that is how I roll: with twenty-sided, ten-sided, or plus-minus-and-null-sided dice.

God, I love roleplaying. My current game of choice is Mutants and Masterminds, since I'm also a sucker for superheroes. The problem is that I can't find anyone else in my area that actually knows that roleplaying exists outside of Japanese SNES games or Oblivion.

Mutants and Masterminds kicks the ass at Damage 25.

That should be "plus 25." The plus sign is disliked here.

I have the same problem. I know a bunch of people that roleplay, but none of us are committed to play for an extended period.

While not an ideal solution, there are Programs like OpenRPG that let you play over the internet. Some even support plugins for specific roleplaying systems. Look in the right places and it shouldn't be too hard to gather an online gaming group together.

Also, Shadowrun is tasty. Just throwing that out there.

Holy crap, guys!

Good news on my birthday!

This means, of course, that you must buy a copy for every year that you have been alive.

Phillipe uses stereotypes to create his image of the Mafia because he doesn't know any better.

I tend to get the nicest on some serious fruit juice. Like ideally with as many supposed fruit flavours as possible mixed in, but also no pulp. I crave that stuff hard.

Do you wink as you crave fresh glasses of it?

I actually turned six about thirteen and a half years ago.

So, no.

apple juice ftw.

alternatively, "Grovestand" Tropicana orange juice.

You have balls... and when I read this, it sort of struck home. He's kind of annoying when he's just being cute, as opposed to being tormented by one of the other characters.
Yesterday I was coming out of the ice cream shop with my best friend, saying how the kids I have been nannying annoy the shit out of me because somehow the stupid creatures don't understand that ice cream on a hot day (which they whinged and whined to have and their dumb parents bought them) will MELT if they don't eat it quickly, and they always hold it really loosely and start by eating the bottom of the cone, and then it melts all over their clothes before falling on the floor. "It's like I want to scream, 'I know you're six years old, but are you fucking retarded?'" I told my friend. Then I realised I was surrounded by little kids all gaping at us.

Kids stopped being adorable and cute a while back. I'm dry and bitter now. Give me Teodor, Roast Beef or Cornelius Bear. As I said, Phillippe can come to the party as long as it's for the amusement of an evil squirrel or something.

Wow, that is bitter. I suppose, at 6 years of age, you had a dexterity comparable to Olga Galchenko, world famous club juggler, when it came to eating ice cream on a hot summer day? Or did you just forget that you were a little sloppy just like we all were at that age? To be 6 is hell of fun. Don't make it shitty for 'em.

I don't show my annoyance, I smile, mop the mess up and then post my hatred on the internet. I'd hate to make it shitty for them.

Also, I accidentally hit Chubby instead of reply. I don't regret it, but now you know.

I don't want to read about your problems with dryness. That's just gross.

Mom, do you ever get that "not-so-fresh" feeling?

What? Oh. Oh! Oh, god. God. No.

Ew. I am sorry to have let that snippet of TMI through. I agree, it's gross.

You find sexual gratification in being hated, don't you?

you have an unusual opinion of this comic. what do you like to see from achewood? i'm interested. favorite character/arc whatever?

I think there is a legitimate level of genius and artistic merit in the blog posts of Ray, Roast Beef, and Chris. Similarly, there are arcs that are mindblowingly poignant and hilarious beyond, and i almost always stems from Onstad writing for the Ray, Beef, and Cornelius characters. I'm a big fan of this strip, but to me there's an enormous disconnect between the sophistication of the strips and arcs involving those characters, and the cutesy ones involving Phillippe, or the gross-out "dildo my coffee" Lyle bits. Naturally there are exceptions, but for the most part I know when I see Phillippe in a strip, the material isn't going to hit home for me. Granted, it wouldn't be Achewood without the full roster of characters, but if it were all Phillippe and Teodor all the time, I'd have no reason to ever read this comic.

Eh, typos. "it", not "i". it's late.

I really wouldn't mind if Philippe was the primary character of most strips.

OK. I've been watching closely and doing a little research. I have a theory.

(drum roll)

Shades is neonfreon.

If you have a little extra time (and I know that anyone reading this does) thumb through their sent messages and compare. Their comments and general demeanor are pretty difficult to tell apart in the end.

I could be wrong.
But I'm not.

Mr. Monk! Can I have an autograph?

Just don't touch me.

I'm glad you brought this up, because I've been doing a little research myself!

(drum roll, slide whistle)

rowboat is sensitive.

So sensitive, in fact, that any negative feedback on an Achewood comic personally offends him(?) to the point of sifting through old posts to try to string together some sad little conspiracy. Certainly, it is much more likely that one person created two accounts in order to spread blasphemy, than it is that two different people might not think every strip deserves blind praise and champagne toasts.

I am not neonfreon, I'm shades. Chill with the Joseph McCarthy act. A perfunctory glance at my posting history has plenty of positive feedback mixed in the negative. The option to vote "1" is there for a reason.

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