The subtext in this romance novel is beautiful.

Thank you for finding the next book I'm going to read.

Hopefully your first time was as delightful as I fondly recall.

D'ya like... Huey Lewis?

Huey's too...black-sounding for me.

Also, there was the time that Martin Luther King, Jr. came out of his coma, started a third-party presidential campaign and was ridiculed on FOX, so Huey hit the FOX commentator with a chair.

Or was that Huey P. Long? Nevermind.

MLK came out of a coma? And someone got hit by a chair?
I think that was Huey Freeman.

No, I was quoting American Psycho.

Ha!

I'm guessing someone hasn't seen American Psycho..

It's hip to be square.

There is no denying that.

chubbied mostly for how your icon works with your comment :)

this is a good post because danielewski is so one trick pony horse town and the comparison is apt

if it bleeds it leads.

Unless his next release is a graphic novel.

You have obviously not been aware of Garth Ennis' sales, then.

I have not, no. I have the chance to be now, though! Watch this space (for 'yeah I've read it now' quotes)

One year later I will post here because I feel sad that people have been watching this space but it is empty.

I love Ennis as a writer but I think I hate him a little as a person. That is all.

if this is true, if when it was published he left the stuff in brackets and used footnotes, i would buy it. i would buy every copy.

Madness. I won't believe it.

Ohhh, you're just begging for it.
I won't though.

HABEEB IT!

I'm sorry. Someone had to.

Had to respond to the wrong comment, that is!

A dance rampage

It's lucky I'm not on anything right now, because your avatar is the sort of thing I would end up staring at for hours if I was.

See that's slightly better crafted sarcasm than mine. I must stop letting my knee do the reacting.

Chubbied for the avatar alone.

RREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYY?????????????

I'm glad I searched text for "manflesh" on this page before adding a redundant comment about how Nice Pete is cribbing from the DR_MANFLESH school of search-and-replace.

Wait...

Very Yes.

The pencil part was just lazy. No one has topped Straw's prose.

Baryonyx' comes real close. Chubby to you sir!

I agree, Baronyx' entry was damn funny.

Aw shucks guys, what can I say.

You are all sick and twisted psychotics.

This is not a bad thing.

The economy of Straw's contribution lends it a haiku-like grace. Without grace this whole endeavor would be a bit sickening. Oh, wait.

the pencil part was merely a statement of fact.

Spinynorman did a damn good job, too. Very Joycean.

Yeah, his was my personal favourite too. The footnotes did it for me.

Yes, I enjoyed very much "will imagine woman's name later."

I was tempted to write "she-bitch" but I decided against it.

Chuck gazed lustfully at Mary's heaving [the entrails of a young rabbit left in the mailbox of an enemy].* His mind raced with thoughts of how he would soon [let the little boy starve to death in his specially constructed box, and then get to play in his blood].^

*breasts
^make love to her

a few posts too late sadly.

You! You blow your chubbies too early!

Pop your chubbies?

*ahem* Release your chubbies prematurely.

I like that he gets a victory cigar for just imagining.

In [moment of terror before the car finally overcomes the pedestrian], he [smell of hot air leaving the chest cavity].

* Love
* Loved

only Onstad can describe women with such candor

How does he write women so well?

Nathaniel, what WILL become of you...

Hmmm? Oh, I'm sorry. I was just pondering what drifter's corpse you took those shoes from.

/buys myself a spritzer

I'm curious. What is your avatar? From whence did it hail?

Because, and I've been sitting on this for a while, not wanting to offend, I hate it. The vast difference in hair colors there bothers me to no end. I'm sorry. I had to come clean.

Is it...Chris Elliot from Cabin Boy? Because that is awesome.

I think tekende was refering to the good professor, but, yes, it is comic genius Chris Elliot from Cabin Boy. And it is awesome that you believe that to be awesome.

Your avatar is... a samurai having a bourbon? Without the name, I would guess it to be some sort of a giant man in a tunic.

Cabin Fever?

that seems to be what your icon is about

It is actually a giant viking statue that guards a dump in Virginia. Somewhere I have a picture that matches my name, perhaps I will one day swap it out. But for now, the viking pleases me.

It's always looked sort of like a humanized version of Lyle to me, though I'm sure that's not it.

Lyle and I share many traits; I have often thought that we are like chocolate-covered pretzels, he and I - complicated and salty on the inside, dark and associated with fecal humor on the outside.

It's a drawing of me that I use as my avatar. I guess we won't be hanging out much because, as shown, my hair is bleached blonde and my beard is brown. Never known it to fundamentally offend anybody.

Photos of me with comparative illustrations can be seen here: http://professorhazard.deviantart.com/

You can find fan art people have drawn of me in the Favorites area, and if you look far enough in my gallery, you'll find a nice picture I drew of Ray in the hot tub.

Well, someone saw an opportunity to shamelessly plug their devART gallery.

Who was it? Can you help me figure it out?

It's just like MathBlasters! Aw yeah, we doin this!

Gotta hand it to you, man - your Ray is a treat.

Slide on into the pool, rowboat, and take a puff on that J. Ray don't mind.

To get high with Ray in a hot tub....

I may be slipping too far into this fantasy. I think I need to rein myself in.

it makes me uncomfortable that Nice Pete is left handed

It makes me uncomfortable

It makes me

It makes

....*in a British newscasters voice* Monty Python's Flying Circus

And now for something completely different.

It makes me uncomfortable, that Nice Pete?

...A Cat writing a Novel

...up his brother's nose.

...A Fly Marrying A Bumblebee...
That's very funny
They don't know they're ugly

I TOLD YOU I'D SHOOT. BUT YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME! WHY DIDN'T YOU BELIEVE ME!?

Joy!!!!!

Happy!!!!

My avatar requires me to do this.

it puts the lotion in the busket.

The busket?

It is a combination of a basket and a bucket that you would find only in the finest cyberpunk novels.

That is actually pretty believable.

I am sorry I did not mean to lame you that was a bad thing I did.

I am left-handed :(

me too man.

I've got a plus side though! Letters on a keyboard are in such a place where I can type my last name solely with my left hand!

Who wants to take some guesses as to what my last name is?!

Craven

Oh, and Fraser.

Tassadar.

From Adun?

From Aiur.

MY LIFE FOR AIUR!

MY LIFE FOR NAZGU-- I MEAN AIUR.

True. I need to play Starcraft again. I'm getting all rusty and whatnot. Now I'm left wondering who Adun was.

Adun was the great Protoss hero who formed the discipline of the Khala, ending the Aeon of Strife, a long and bloody Protoss civil war triggered by their abandonment by the Xel'Naga. The Protoss phrase "En taro Adun" translates into "In honor of Adun" and was eventually replaced in the lexicon by "En taro Tassadar" after Tassadar's martyrdom against the Overmind during the fall of Aiur.

Go ahead, laugh.

I distinctly remember some Protoss saying "En taro Adun, cerebrate" to Kerrigan. I may be wrong, because I think it was Tassadar who said that, and Tassadar was dead before the Queen of Blades came to being. I'm confused but amazed. A chubby for you.

No, I think that's correct, as Tassadar was not dead by the time Kerrigan was created. They encountered one another on Char where Tassadar was living among the Dark Templar, before the Zerg invasion of Aiur.

I don't deserve the responsibility of a long-term memory center.

you're all so wrong.

although I'd love to be mr. Tassadar.

Okay, with that clue, I'll hazard:

Wasted


It just occurred to me that you could be placing your hand in a non-standard position on the keyboard, or typing in a non-touch-type way (e.g., hunt and peck), or you could have really big hands. In other words, the clue you provided does not really narrow down the possible combinations of letters that could be in your name.

completely standard, my dog. pinky on the "A", pointer on the "F."

hint: think modern Western Literature, folks!

Gatsby? Although that'd be a bit of a stretch on the left hand.

I'd give better hints, but that would probably make it way too obvious. So here it is: My last name is Saavedra. Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, author of Don Quixote, arguably the first truly modern western piece of literature.

Oh of course. I was about to say Saavedra. Truly I was.

and here i was going to guess taft

Sad As A Vast East Desert Red Art? That's an awkward name...can we just call you Saavedra for short?

Oh. I didn't know that Cervantes had a second last name. But I'm pretty sure he actually wrote "Don Quixote de la Mancha" which was published in four volumes. While I wouldn't begin to call it "modern", it certainly was Western, and spawned much of the anti-romanticism that we now call "modern". (Am I the only one bothered by the Musical version "Man from LaMancha" being so anti-realist?)

Anyway, I've a mate a few streets over named Saavedra. I shall now proceed to razz him properly. Yes, I shall.

fred.
ted!
bea. (hah)
bret/brett (c'mon, people.)
brad
greg
zed
qbert...regular bert.
no..
*gives up*
s'all i got.

I'm not so sure that I'd describe the aftertaste of Sassafrass E as "bad" so much as it is just... strong?

Sweetdwarfs

Like sweetbreads, only crunchier.

Asswax.

Worthington-Bumcheeks

Come now. You know all too well that is Incorrect.

Do I? I'm pretty stupid, man. You shouldn't assume things about me.

weaver

Abba


~a Watergate era carcass

i haven't the chubbies for you sir... but I suspect you may need sunlight more...

I've learned to be chary with my chubbies, so I had one left for you.

Saved a few erect tadgers

Averted a dreaded fate

Fucking hell. And no chubbies left.

I like to imagine you actually look like your avatar.

It is very funny.

In case you are your avatar -- please don't kill me with a piano string.

wow. hats off. you have invented the left-handed haiku.

West?

Qwerty or Azerty keyboard? (Or is it a Dvorak holdback?)

Mr. Stewardesses

My chubbies were spent too frivolously on this page, but the Latin student in me commends you.

I think you were paying attention to the wrong things.

makes sense to me

How splendid it was to simply [watch the gills flutter on a sun-caught perch]*, Chuck thought.

*be with Mary

R...Roman Polanski? Is that you?

Gus Van Sant.

People kept saying during the Showbiz comics that they knew people like Showbiz. I know people like Nice Pete, only having committed fewer murders.

Or so you hope.

True. I'm the Pat to his Nice Pete, though, so he's not going to murder me. Murder is a special thing you do when you want someone to die.

When I first read the fourth panel I read Nice Pete's description of a woman as "just a-screaming 'Clear Area!' with a wig on." That is because a basketball court must not be full of upright bodies or else you are not the winner.

is that rudy giuliani in drag?

DING DING DING WE HAVE A WIENER!

My answer sheet bothered assetbar, here's another copy

A O B O C O D O

It's kind of like an avocado, only much more academic.

Are they from:

Ceh Neh Deh?

Dammit, that came out all wrong...

C-eh N-eh D-eh*

*still not funny.

chubbied officially, dry humped hard and long unofficially.

Well hell I mean for sure, unofficial is the entire point of dry humping which was a convenient method among early teens to enjoy the physical act without the danger of creating after-party babies but since the growth in population of The Blowjob as the new official unofficial in the wake of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, dry humping has been so difficult to orchestrate since the 90s.

It's almost hard to remember a time before the blowjob at this point. Yet another positive legacy of the Clinton years - that was all so much fun.

So many chubbies, sir. So many chubbies.

Love Teodor's response to Nice Pete's initial question. You can almost hear him thinking "Wait, what kind of twisted Nice-Pete related thing am I going to become embroiled in by answering this?"

Except the sentences are shorter, and the story a tad less self-indulgent, even if it is a story fueled by a serial killer's memory for bloodlust.

Chuck held [the moment when a young boy has truly died, his (the boy's) hair moving in the breeze, yet his (the boy's) body perfectly still] in his (Chuck's) arms, considering lobsters all the while. Soon they (Chuck and Mary) would move to Africa together via cruise ship, the name of which would strike Chuck as ironic and which he would rename with the antonym of the original name, an act about which he would be slightly self-deprecating, but ultimately self-congratulatory, but tonight they (Chuck and Mary) would lie in bed and [watch mentally ill men take long cold baths without suds].

Make sure this is the fourth part of an aside to an aside, and that the original text as well as the original aside to which this aside is an aside have been swallowed up by DFWallace's forgetful structure, so that the current aside has become the new main body of the work.

I really have to give you a chubby for this, given my user name.

You should never be bound so.

I've said it before - Nice Pete is basically a lose hose flopping around, spraying the creepiest shit you ever heard all over the place. I mean, this plus comparing women to the sound of "birds burning in a shoebox"... Pete is creepier when he is not directly homicidal, just Disturbed.

Are you trying to say that Pete gets Down with the Sickness?

'gets Down?' He never got 'up' I think.

This art is from... HISTORY!

I wonder how many of these little chats Teodor and Nice Pete have, and why they seem to be in the same house so often. Don't they live separately?

Yes, that would be why Nice Pete had to call Teodor rather than just go find him in another room.

I like to pretend that 'A Marvelous Romance' is the title of the a marvelous romance novel, but deep down I know it is not.

Well it's a marvelous night for a moondance
With the stars up above in your eyes
A fantabulous night to make romance
'Neath the cover of October skies.

. . . can't get that song out of my head now.

Too awesome for the Peter Sotos reference.

I've never been prouder of an internet community in my life than when I got 5 chubbies for a Peter Sotos reference.

Acheworld, you have done me right by me!

You should go over to the Susan Lawly message board then, they chubby that sort of shit all the time.

I think the disturbing part is Teodor's blase response to Nice Pete's utterly dehumanized description of a woman. The boys have just gotten so used to Nice Pete that they don't even blink anymore.

Seriously.

How does Nice Pete write women so well?

It is, ultimately, your avatar in this conversational thread that will be the difference between Nice Pete Chuckles and Nice Pete Nightmares for me.

If I were aware that the person I was talking to had a history full of gruesome murder, it wouldn't matter how fucked up his choice of conversation is, I'm not reacting badly. "Incredible death" is not something I want on my schedule.

Then you should stop your two-timing! You have been warned!

You should also stop causing epilepsy with your avatar. Guys like Nice Pete don't take kindly to his loved ones being forced into fits.

That's right - CAUSING epilepsy. Yes, I just thought about how ridiculous that is. But gosh darnit, Deusoma is doing it.

Yeah, I should probably go ahead and change it anyway. They had an episode where it actually was lupus a while back.

But if you change it, how can I look forward to the spontanteous Frye & Laurie reunions simulated between you and Spinynorman?

Man, how have I never noticed that.

Befuddles me, Jeeves.

Yes, I, agree,.

and thinks

The prescriptivist in me absolutely hates the whole "comma as breathing space" syntax that he's supporting here, but I suppose I'm allowed to be a bit of a pedant now and again.

He should have used ellipses.

No. It doesn't have the same effect.

An ellipse just sort of trails off... and on... again. It's dreamy and stoned.

A comma, it, breaks harder. Like the crackle of dry bones in a bag. So much more Nice, Pete.

Nice Pete's violence against English usage is less well-known, but even more horrific than his violence against individuals.

Jesus CHRIST!

10000000000000000x better than DPM from the previous strip... welcome back, chris!

I really [removed clothing with trauma shears, then placed into bathtub filled with ice before slowly lowering myself in next to]* today's strip.

*"enjoyed"

It is never fun when Pete calls.

But you sure as hell answer if you know what's good for you.

That is the creepiest description of a woman I've ever read. It's the kind of creepiness that, were someone to steal it and use it, expanded, in a film, could give a generation nightmares a la Hannibal Lecter.

This is made even creepier for me by the fact that my mother's name is Mary and my uncle's name is Chuck. This is like the time someone suggested the game "Fuck, Chuck, or Marry" and I emphatically said, "Neither."

Women are clear, like a horrible toy with no color in the plastic.

Also, there are many ways to read Teodor's hesitant response to the initial question, focusing either on his uncertainty regarding Nice Pete's motives, or his previous interest in Hiram the Blacksmith.

Nice Peter scares the shit out of me. I love him.

Do not call him Nice Peter, you do not know how poorly he takes to that.

It's been too long since we've had a Nice Pete strip.

This is refreshing.

The trick also works in reverse for the rest of us.

Hunting for the final roll of duct tape that would fit in the toolbox, Wilbert couldn't stop thinking about [Scarlett Johansson][1]. Would he [gently caress the down in the small of her back][2]? Or perhaps just cut to the chase and [have consensual sex in a Guccione bed with black, slick sheets][3]. Blood drained from his head and he felt dizzy just thinking about it.

[1] the hogtied seventh-grader
[2] cut V-shaped slices from his ears and cheeks
[3] sever his head and install it on the computer desk

Wow, make your own Ellis novel. Nice.

This is the best Achewood strip in over a year. The way nice Pete delivers his line in panel 4 with such conviction is so precious.

P...Poing? You okay there, buddy? Can I get you anything? Glass of ice water? Smelling salts?

The man has Reasons for What He Does.

Or she does. I'm a product of a sexist culture, I automatically assume someone is a man.

I don't think any feminists will hold it against you that you assume that a total dickwad is a man.

It's true! Dr. Skrad, you get double points today. Point 1 for being all patriarchy-examining, and point 2 for not insisting on Poing's stated female gender.

Does that make any sense? I just took some Ambien like twenty minutes ago and it is really kicking in hard. Is this what it feels like when Ray knows about 45 degrees? There's weird splotches of color everywhere. I need to go to sleep.

Just don't be surprised if your significant other insists that you sleep in another room. Ambien does weird things to a person. I'm told I tried to choke my wife?

Yes, apparently I have left some embarrassing phone messages while under the influence of Ambien.

My mother was a feminist.

And, being a comics fan, a blog has opened my eyes to how messed up the gendered world currently is:
HERE

Perhaps not mind-blowing to anybody else, but I never did Women's Studies or anything so this blog explained it well, I thought.

It really is eye-opening, isn't it? That stuff is right in front of you, and you don't notice it until someone else points it out, and then you see it motherfucking everywhere.

That one's going to haunt me.

If you could only somehow have depicted the smells emanating from their horrible large middles.

Please don't do that. Photoshop was never meant for such as that.

Yes, that would be terrible.

BOO TO THAT.

How do you know woman smells are bad?

THEY MUST BE

WHY FIND OUT

I find it funny that Theodor is the only character who is actually troubled that Nice Pete is a serial killer...who kidnapped Phillipe once....and tried to murder him with a USB-connected kitchen knife....

I am just saying that there are better things to base a relationship on than constant terror. Like say a shared interest in Japanese cultur, perhaps?

To many of us, constant terror and Japanese culture are inextricably connected, myself included.

They are both however, things I base my relationships on.

OH...OH MY GOD! THIS STRIP! THE... THE PERFECT THING TO SAY, EVER!


SPLUT!

The splut was my head exploding from the Awesome, of course. Please do not lame me. I am still coming to terms with the fact that I am a screaming clear area with a wig on.

Pete's next book: A Perplexing Mystery

Followed hotly by An Astounding Science-Fiction.

And then A Magical Fantasy

This one gets a five from me. I didn't find it particularly "funny" per se, but it gives a great deal of insight into Nice Pete, not just in the last panel but in the entire act of him attempting to write the next great American love story, a cold mimicry of things he perceives as acceptable in society.

Imagine if the book were published, but Nice Pete forgot to replace some of the things he loved.

[IMGS OFF]
Disapproves

How dare you speak for Mr Nicholson.

THE ONLY PERSON WHO SPEAKS FOR JACK NICHOLSON IS YOUNGER JACK NICHOLSON

What about Jack Nicholson from Space? Is he younger because of the dreadful genetic splice incident and then the subsequent light speed journey around the sun?

Cheese and rice!

I wish I was still in my senior year of high school, taking a creative writing class and getting sent for psychological evaluation after being "inspired" by a comic strip like this. Patrick Bateman would've come to my book signing, but he had to return some tapes.

Jlowe424, reading these two comments and seeing the Corinthian as your avatar is isn't helping me think you are a nice guy.

I'm getting a case of the not-so-rad chillies.

Teodor is indeed a man who loves women. Can't keep his mind on nothin' else. He%u2019d trade the world for a good thing he%u2019s found. If she is bad, he can%u2019t see it.
She can do no wrong.

BBCode raped my hilarious Michael Bolton reference. Oh, curses upon you, BBCode!

My reference! My reeeeefffferennnnnceeee!

Assetbar screwed up, Tekende completely hates BBCode.

I had sympathy with your BBCode troubles, but then you claimed that was a Michael Bolton song. Now, I will not join your fan club until you apologize to Percy Sledge.

Man I wondered why there were two different artist names comin' up on the Google search.

My Manwiiiiiiich!

I don't know why I'm compelled top tell you this, but I read your webcomic in one sitting yesterday, tekende. It was... okay. I probably should explain why it was just okay, but this is a weird enough comment anyways so I'm going to cut it short.

Yeah, it is not the Greatest Comic on the Face of the Earth. Just...I didn't write all of it, so I can't be blamed entirely. I just drew the pictures.

But thanks for reading it!

If you would like to explain why it was just okay, you can e-mail me, I guess? springertekende@yahoo.com

You have a comic?
Hot Dog! Post a link, please, so that I may gaze upon the contents and judge it as I see fit.

Here.

Ha ha what

Come on man Nice Pete ain't even been to Vegas since 1978.

I dont think pete was involved. Seems more like philippe and lyle got bored of electrocuting pat's dick. am i the only one who thought of them when i heard this story?

hahahaha pete is fucked up

Nice Pete clearly needs to have his own Madlibs brand.

nice pete is definitely one character i would like to see spin off into his own comic strip. seeing someone as fucked up as him makes me feel better about myself.

Gorgeous.

Possibly my favorite comment ever, lateadopter.

Out of chubbies - I offer a tip of the hat instead.

I love Nice Pete's demeanor throughout. He is a professional weirdo, through and through.

this is the most terrifying thing i have ever read in a comic strip.

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01032007

teodor should've known

Does anyone else have nightmares that end with Nice Pete staring at you with his head cocked ever so slightly as in panel four? Or is that just another sign that I'm way in over my head with this cocaine?

If you're still able to sleep and therefore have nightmares, you've got some breathing room on the cocaine thing.

This strip is [the feeling I get when I see a gypsy woman caught pickpocketing and is then smacked].

[]-funny

Awesome strip. At least Nice Peat has a healthier attitude about women than Dave Sim.

Pete, I mean Pete. Nice Peat is... oh God, I don't want to think too much about where that peat comes from.

Out of 214 comments, not counting my own, there are only 29 lames registered on them. This seems very low, and it makes me happy that people are not being very lame, not very lame at all.

Lie-Bot, whats the lamest thing a person can do?

A person writes erotic fan fiction in which one of the main characters is Ray Smuckles's mom and another is Chris Onstad. In the final scene, they both climb on a motorcycle and jump over a pool containing a shark that's busy mauling Philippe. They narrative pauses for a three-paragraph observation of how the hapless otter is Five. The person then posts this story to Acheworld. With illustrations.

That, comrade_tom, is the lamest thing.

Oh holy crap and wow we need this to be a Thing

As a congratulations, I will dole out some chubbies for you on the comments you no doubt have strewn hither and thither throughout the archives, as my allotment for this comic has been met.

Hooray andy!

Aww, shucks. Thanks guys...

Hooray. Exactly one month behind ya, but catching up fast.

This one is just straight up amazing. Teodor is unsure about if he is a man who likes women. Nice Pete is fucking insane.

If that isn't a well deserved five, I don't want to know what is.

Hallmark meets Titicut Follies.

This strip is like Lawrence of Arabia with cats.

glad to see Pete again. this comic was missing the touch of a god damn lunatic.