phillipe works at SBC because as you can see, es bee cee

no.

Yay, Presbyterians. There aren't all that many where I live, so it's kind of exciting to meet others.

Heavy Rock
(1972 - ?)

and hard rock started in 1961? what, like the beach boys? truly the devil's music.

Maybe the rolling stones?

Wikipedia says that hard rock started in the mid sixties. And wikipedia is never wrong.

concurred.

I just edited the Wikipedia article for Earth to claim that I am the supreme ruler and that pre-bulimia Lindsay Lohan is my wife.

Never. Wrong.

i would pick her mom out of the two any day of the week, no matter what period in lindsay's life

Umm, no you didn't. IT isn't on the edit history.

It's funny that you checked it. :P

Wikipedia can alter reality.

http://www.adamcadre.ac/content/brown/

smoking drugs is A-OK

ooooo-k-a-a-a-y

No mention WHATSOEVER of ragtime or the blues. Join with me now, in appreciation of UNSPOILED music.

I'll tango to that!

you have to admit, that was nice of him to make them a chart.

I feel there should be a "School of Rock" style chart of the evolution of this devil music.

Though, I guess from this Chick point of view, the School of Rock chart pretty much IS that chart.

That chart is amazing. It reintroduced Captain Beefheart to my repertoire of music-listening and I'm forever grateful.

Did alreadyinuse hack in manflesh's account, or were they always the same person?

I don't think it's either one, really. Pretty sure it's a cut 'n' paste in the same vein as his fan-fiction posts. If they are the same guy, props to him because most probably never would've guessed.

So is this AIU fanfiction?

wow, I ah, uh, ah. uhhhhh. no itcan't be fanfction per se can it? I do note that Dr. M has extended the number of times the refrain/picture repeats at the end. He must simply admire eminem's fine work, as do I.

the style of this post is Dr. M, both in copy/pasting the work, which is it's self a sort of repeat, and in repeating the refrain at the end numerous times.

Dr. M is brilliant... he repeats something, and in so doing, he gives it some new meaning. He expresses himself through the expression of others.

I wonder what achilleselbow fan fic would be like.

probably like diareah.

god damnit I hate you so much i'm bleeding inside

really I have a condition and after I read that I had to go take a pill

The definition of "fanfiction" is now kind of changing. Necessity for the next level demands it.

Manflesh is on the bleeding edge of it, the place he feels most at home.

I too remember the exuberance of my first beer, dr.

I don't know how to feel about this.

Is dr. manflesh, who was my counter-culture hero, actually my arch-nemensis AIU?

My world is blown apart.

I'm looking forward to seeing the pro-Manflesh massive work out how to defend this one.

"It's... it's edgy, and post-modern!"

This is truly a significant day in Assetbar history. Dr. Manflesh, the world's most loved troll, posts a scathing attack which had been previously posted by one of the most hated trolls in the world: alreadyinuse. What does this mean? Stayed tuned to CNN.

I'm frightened.

i don't follow this thing real close lately, i wasn't even aware AIU had posted that picture before, or that song or whatever he had posted before, and all i know of manflesh is several of his posts here and the few times i chatted with him around three in the morning on #achewood, and i am aware of how much of a run-on this is (but i don't care because you will get my point just fine hopefully), but the impression I always got from manflesh was that he didn't take this whole assetbar thing very seriously and he thought it was stupid/silly to do so - i could be wrong, i could be projecting my own beliefs on him, i just do not know. but, if i am correct and that is the case, him reposting that picture which goes after most of the 'popular' people here on assetbar who seem to take it so serious sometimes that you would think it's the center of their lives, it is not a completely confusing thing for him to be doing. I hope that makes as much sense as it does in my head, but I am on a bunch of awesome pain medication for a recent surgery, so who the fuck knows.

My point there I guess was that I think he just doesn't care. I don't think he's AIU, I think he just thought it would be funny just like the dick pictures and the graphic fanfics. It's just new shock value. But that's just my opinion and somebody else probably already said it anyway, I just got the urge to throw it out there is all

Yes, autrepoupee said it more succinctly, now that I go check. So, that is my unnecessary evaluation of the truthocity of what she said.

You know, I'm not actually sure if Dr. Manflesh is actually my hero, or if I'm just satirizing his fans. Like, I really don't know.

About your comment about the "popular" people . . . are you friends with them? Cuz I kinda wanna fit in with them. They are sooo cool.

Chubbied for various reasons, but the one I want to point out is the phrase "fruitless as Harold Bloom's ballsack". Nice, very nice.

Whoa. I am blown away by the bleach-soaked brilliance of your post there, False. It hearkens back to an earlier time of taking on the idiosyncracies of strip characters (dare I say "old school"? I dare not, though it no less is.), but this time, I could be bothered reading it.

And in so doing, I lament my previous lack of reading fortitude; all the times I skipped past your post due to the lack of punctuation, all these times, now lost.

The situation of Assetbar today, no matter how frivolous and fleeting it may, no matter how fragile the fingerings of fate, floating on the flotsam and jetsam of happenstance and chaos-theory whimsy - no matter all this, it feels a deep time in Assetbaria. A time, not of change so much, as it is a time of natural progression.

Many are going back to their roots, yet with a new understanding of things - pushing the envelopes they were afraid to, knowing a little better the workings of the cogs of situation and socially intellectual competition.

I like this time. It is here. It is Now.

hack.
Nah, just kidding.

I love the alliteration in the 3rd paragraph.

it seems that to run through assetbaria screaming "Dr.M and AIU are not the same person" is probably a pretty pointless exercise. I don't think Dr. M cares if a few people think one way or the other. Dr. M (who does actually have a PHD, by the way) is, not unlike our good friend AIU (who doesn't have a PHD) more than a little misunderstood by the average joe schmoe. I don't mean this in a condescending way, I just mean this objectively, as fact, without any pride and prejudice attached. I don't believe that everyone is remarkable in their own special way. It's not statistically likely. Several billion people in the world would require several billion unique ways in to be special so that every last individual could be special and remarkable. There is a lot of cultural diversity and such out there, giving a lot of different contexts which in turn supports a lot of possible ways to be unique, but there is not enough diversity of context out there to support several billion unique ways for people to be unique.

So anyway, Dr. M is misunderstood, and AIU is misunderstood, and both are remarkable people in both different and also similar ways. Most of y'all ain't gonna get one nor the other.

And that saddens me. But I guess that's life, ain't it... With some kinds of remarkable properties of abstract vision and reasoning, to truly get the reasoning and vantage point is to truly share it, and to therefore be truly remarkable one's self. See the above postulate as to why it's simply statistically unlikely for everyone to be remarkable in this way.

And certainly, that is the fucking definition of remarkable... that which is different from the rest. Than the rest? Then the rest? Whatever. (gr?) Hey, how about this: of the rest

Some people hold a grudge longer than others, due to personality and also differences in biological function of the brain. Some people have been offended by AIU in this way or that, and AIU has been offended by some people on here. To think that AIU holds a grudge is pretty presumptious, however. To think that AIU makes offensive posts mostly or exclusively out of some grudge that he holds is also quite an unsupported assumption. I mean, shit, look at AIU posting an edited picture of tekende and bixschmix. That's some pretty offensive shit, when you go reposting images of someone's gf/bf. And the normal reaction to that would be to be offended. Hell, AIU was offended when achilleselbow re-used AIU's original hand-face avitar in a copy-cat account. But AIU recognized his own feeling of offense as natural, but also pretty silly, and shrugged it off immediately. Anyway, my point is, yes, it's natural and normal to be offended by such shit, and moreover, whenever someone posts such offensive shit, it's normally because that person is intending to be offensive, and because that person IS a complete heel, or asshole, or moron, in that given context. We have all been assholes to people in a given context at some point in our lives. There is my ex-gf who told me the story of the time she went out on a date with this guy, led him on, and then ditched him at a club to go home with some other guy and screw him. She wasn't proud of it; the guy she ditched felt bad, ya da ya da. She was kind of a cunt in this context. Or like the time I raped and murdered that entire Mormon family whose car had broken down. I was having a bad day, and I to my credit I did actually initially mistake them for Jehovah's Witnesses. But hey, most of us hopefully get wiser and grow inside from such experiences and learn to become more sensitive to the needs and wants of others. Some of us don't. Like that creep named Bill at my last tech support job who got fired for using the e-mail system of one of the stores we were supporting to hit on one of the employees whom he had never met, in a different state. Creeeeppy. And he kept hitting on my one co-worker who was half his age, even after she clearly told him to shove off. Bill was one of those guys whose entire demeanor screamed PERVERT! And he was.

So what I am saying is, hey, AIU is performance art. It's like telling a sick joke, or making a twisted exclamation, like threatening to run someone over, or joking about the possibility of getting run over by a bus... I mean... if you don't joke about death in some form or other at some time or other in your life, then you are pretty damn unique and unusual in that respect... AIU is that dark and twisted and demented and silly and crazy and high-on-drugs and high-on-mental-dysfunction and selfish and condescending and generally revolting side of human behavior, all wrapped up into one, and made as real as possible in the context of a messageboard. Can AIU really be real? Too many, he is very real. (He put that typo (too) in there just to piss you off.) But I mean, if you look at AIU with the irony in mind with which his shit is intended, then you aren't offended, but you are perhaps amused. Or even bored some of the time. But if you see the irony, then you probably also have the capacity to see the humor. I will grant you that it's a pretty real sort of performance art, and it is perhaps serious and not ironic, in that it does not make an attempt to fully identify it's self as ironic, and the artist knows that many will take it seriously and literally, and be offended by it on many levels (typos being just one of them.) The artist is pushing the bounds of how far he can ethically go, knowing that he's going to piss people off, and the artist is balancing this with his ethical right and indeed obligation to put irony out there, to put creative witty irony out there, to push against the closed doors of people's minds. The artist isn't nailing a manefesto to the door so much as dropping a charge of C-$ (another deliberate typo) at the door. Yes, this art and comedy is pretty irrelevent without the pissed off audience. The battering ram is of no use without the locked door. But it is what it is. And underneath it all, the relentless artist, the pissed off audience, are real people, and you know, hey, it'd be nice if we all got along, as real people, on some level, in some place, at some time. It'd be nice. But I tell ya what, it's a bitch of a world out there. It's a real bitch. And you know, even if you all get along with me, there's a billion other trolls out there, waiting to be disliked by you. I think that everyone should have at least one troll that they can't conveniently change the channel on, you know. I think that's healthy, to have that every now and then. To have a troll who won't go away, who forces something in your face that you don't want. If you don't want something, if you dislike something, it could just be that maybe it is something you need to think about... and yeah, we all need to think about hate... we need to explore it... with humor, and with seriousness. Hate and jealously and bitterness. It won't do you know good. (typo)

Friday night I`m going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head

Well looking back through time
You know it`s clear that I`ve been blind
I`ve been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule

Saturday I`m running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I`m pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream

Only wish that you were here
You know I`m seeing it so clear
I`ve been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I`ve made

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Sunday all the lights of London
Shining , Sky is fading red to blue
I`m kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to

Turning back for home
You know I`m feeling so alone
I can`t believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt

And feel it now

Let go your heart

Let go your head

And feel it now

Babylon

God. I didn't think I'd ever say this to anyone for any reason, but I just have to:

TL;DR

Try not to let it happen again. I don't like that part of myself.

i think rocks have been heavy ever since they were.

(?-?)

Bricks are Heavy.
(1992-?)

I *wish* there still existed rock-a-holics.

and man, those "some AIDS" that siffer gives them are like MEGA-AIDS. three months and he's at death's door. satan sure is an operator.

yeah, i don't even know why they put that on the registry. probably seemed like a good idea at the time.

It's edgy and post-modern.

It's certainly not something you can order from Crate and Barrel.

Yes it is.

Haw haw!

What the hell do you mean these AIDS don't come with a dough hook??

I love um!
They're the greatest!
Yah! Wow! The greatest!
God I love chick tracts.

Did you mean
Chick tracks
Love them
Moist
?

tracts. doh.

Take away the religious grandmother and you basically just described my entire adolescence.

Hot knifing?

Not personally, no. But there was an acquaintance who apparently got high/drunk enough to not feel pain and proceeded to try carving SLAYER into his arm with a hot knife. I assume that's what hot-knifing means?

I thought he meant "k-hits" as they seem to be known in acheworld.

I am going to stick with free-basing, myself.

[Excuse me if you know exactly what hot-knifing is and I've simply been taken in by sarcasm.]

It's when people heat up two butter knives and press little chunks of hash between them in order to vaporise/smoke the hash.

I'd like to imagine little Jimmy (as we'll call him) could come up with something better than any of the standard arguments other than the Ontological Argument even when drunk on cheap cider, in a park.

Sometimes I wish I lived in Britain, where my preference for cider would be considered normal, if a bit low-class, rather than being a target of mockery as it is here.

Mmm... cider. Damn I miss a hasty 2L of cider for 50p. Can't beat that. (Thanks London. I miss you. Sometimes.)

It's Summer, so cider is pretty much every Man's drink at the moment. Though I'm not impartial to a chilled Magners at any time of year.

I've only seen you mocked here for the coconut mojitos or whatever. I think you could get away with drinking a proper cider.

Cider is only low-class when it's a giant bottle of something with a name like "White Lightning", or similar, and cost £1.19 for like three litres. You can drink Strongbow or Bulmers or Magners and be considered quite the classy fellow.

When I hung out with Odei, we were chilling by a bonfire while a bunch of seventeen-year-olds passed around a communal two-liter bottle of Strongbow. When they had drunk enough Strongbow, they burned a backpack on the bonfire, then chased each other around and humped each other.

Quite the classy fellows.

Boom. Out of nowhere.

Solid.

Oh hell yes Strongbow.

oh hell yes.

Odd. A can of White Ligthning in my local offie costs 79p.

Also, I'm pretty sure that none of those ciders are classy.

You could just tell the mockers that cider was once a mainstay of American drinkers, and it really was only Prohibition that killed it off. Wine and brandy are just affectations of snooty francophiles; George Washington drank cider!

He also wore a powdered wig.

My favorite part.

Just in case you are an idiotic man

Whoa! When Siffer's face is finally shown, he looks just like Brent Spiner!
WHAT DOES IT MEAN

we're gonna rock rock rock

ROCK WITH THE ROCK

i should read ahead before posting :|

Hey, can't fault a man for rocking.

Especially rocking with Dwayne Johnson.

simply awesome

If you know nothing about Jack Chick, know he is a dick because he writes tracts about how his tracts are the only thing that can save you.

They are the only thing that can save me from not getting pissed off at fundamentalist Christians every time I sit in my dentist's waiting room.

All I get is copies of Cleo et al, or fishing/car magazines. Because, you know, that's the spectrum of human interest.

Yes, but does Jack chick tell you the truth about C'thulhu?
http://www.fredvanlente.com/cthulhutract/pages/index.html

ARE YOU CHRISTIANS, LIKE IN SOLID?

We're gonna Rock. Rock. Rock.


Rock with the ROCK.

I don't think Jack Chick has ever covered the topic of Hippo Urination...or Porcupine Houses. I'm thinking that at best Phillipe will become a hardcore Christian Fundamentalist who, for reasons unbeknown to anyone else, feels equally strong about Hippo Pee and Porcupine Houses (but if the boy in the Metallica story is the protagonist, that shouldn't come into too much conflict with the Jack Chick ideology).

My least favorite titles were "Heaven Help the French Canadians" and "The Soul of a Cow."

My favourite bits are when he explains the hierarchy of demons, and how this relates DIRECTLY to the Catholic Church.

...because, you know, the hierarchy of demons is in the Bible too, you know.

(it is not)


Speaking of which, demonology came up in conversation with a friend the other day, when he looked up the X-men character Legion - a mutant with multiple personality, each personality manifesting a different mutant power (interestingly appearing a few years before Doom Patrol's Crazy Jane - whom I explained got his name from the New Testament Biblical demonised individual who referred to himself as "Legion - for there are many of us". Creepy.
Anyway, so he was about to click on the page for the demonological facts about the demon "Legion", when I suggested against it because it's a Wiki page on demonolgy, and that's just a bit too much of a headfuck sometimes.*

Which it is, and he was thankful for my advice, as he'd had a long day and couldn't handle such shit.


*Or most or all times, depending on your taste.

Wiki has Ok articles on demonology. The Key of Solomon probably is a better place to start though (at least for Chrisitianized demons). Some of that old Jewish/Sumerian shit is pretty wild too.

I'll just stick to reading Hellboy for all my crazy demonology needs. I'm pretty conservative on going any further than that, call me old fashioned.

I'm currently doing through Darkness Calls and if you've read all the previous stuff this will blow your fucking mind.

Love the new Ash v. Ash, Dr. Just thought I'd let you know.

excuse me Dr Skradley I was reading the comments here and I just wanted to comment that your avitar is inappropriate. A loop of someone getting shot, over and over again. Wow. oh ha ha ha here let me give you a chubby for your avitar.

hey you know what else would be super funny if someone could animate my avitar maybe photoshop in a gun at the end shooting the girl in the head

because yeah, violence is funny and cool

isn't it Dr. Skradley!

Okay, that's aiu.

Word.

To his credit, he picked up quite intuitively that violence is pretty damn funny. And cool!

I also like the irony that his avatar is a depiction of real life horror and the aftermath of genuine violence. I dare say the irony is deliberate, and I appreciate it as a result.

Didn't you know that the Whore of Babylon is what the Catholics call Mama Church?

Death Cookie is my favourite.

I thought the Whore of Babylon was what the French origionally called the Statue of Liberty, until that was lost in translation.

This is what we gave back to the French for the Statue of Liberty (not photoshopped)[IMGS OFF]

There are actually two in Paris.

Actually, we didn't give it to them. That's a working scale model they used in building the one they gave us. It's been in Paris it's whole life.

Uncle John's Bathroom Reader has failed me yet again.

Nobody likes a know-it-all.

Which pretty well sums up a great deal of my life.

C'est la vie.

sometimes you're trippin too hard for a wiki about demons

Sometimes?

Sometimes you might be tripping just enough for pictures of devil chicks, surely. No guarantees where it leads, of course.

Hate him. Just don't hate Jesus. He wants you to have an immune system.

"No, Marcie! You didn't have to do that!"

I mean, granted I don't have to go fifteen miles out of my way to pick you up for school now. But still this was just a little rash on your part.

You'll go to Hell for your sarcasm, achilles. The man speaks
truth.

Good thing all the other animals knew how to breathe... unlike those stupid, oxygen-needing dinosaurs!

ohhhh... so THAT'S why we don't see miku224 anymore!

I was just chatting with Mr. Chick. Apparently, since I used to be a Dungeon Master, and don't reqret it at all, I'm pretty much going to Hell. Bou-ya!

BTW, if the girls showing up at our game looked more like these, and less like rampaging gelantinous cubes, I'd propably STILL be a dungeon master....

This is like every game of D&D I've ever played.

yeah, the best part of my D&D games was when the player could fight the Zombie on their own and the DM could go out for a smoke.

The (non-canon) MST3K take on "Dark Dungeons" may evoke some chuckles, too.

*during my brother's basketball game. FUCK it too me a long time to catch that

Come on, Spiny, you know no one noticed or cared.

Anyway Jack Chick is an asshole but I did dig the illustrations in some of those tracts, particularly "this was your life"

GOMEZ IS COMING

Hide the golden calf!

Arg my eyes.

Do not change that avataricon!

With the power of opiates, my friend.

Does Rick have the AIDS?

It's sexually transmitted damnation is what it is.

That's what he gets for rolling too many people.

Until we finally got him back.
[IMGS OFF]

You, sir, know what Sexy means.

Let me be the first to chubby this bold exposition. You are a veritable Dan Brown.

Almost. You missed Milady Godiva and Madame Curie.

But seriously, isn't every incarnation of Isis suppose to be a virgin?

Madonna is like a virgin.

Oh. Well OK then. Silly me!

[IMGS OFF]

Yea, probably.

virtual chubby for the wonderfulness that is isis. man do i love those guys.

Zodiac 2. You should make it, dogg.

My friend's cousin wrote the screenplay for the first one.

That makes me famous by association.

my friend's cousin is Tobey McGuire.

(my story is not as cool as yours.)

Not nearly.

But thank you for playing.

My friend's cousin is a blackjack dealer a shitty little casino fifteen miles outside of Reno.

i'm laming your cousin by proxy of you.

It's not MY cousin. It's my FRIEND'S cousin.

MY cousin is an sharp-tounged, guido lawyer named Vinny.

I love sin on my burgers, it gives them a nice kick.

Achewood does not in any way support the eating of felons. Doing hard thyme doesn't mean they will be delicious. This is the worst bisque, cooked in grodiest saucepan.

Felons taste great with a cilantro-mint ceviche.

If you want some, let me know. I know a guy.

Do not encourage falseprophet to repeat his hobo sauce recipe, please.

(Apologies to falseprophet if it wasn't you who had the extreme-brutatily/cannibalistic hobo sauce recipe.)

I find it makes them taste rather slimy and unpalatable. Nothing ruins a meal more than sin being added to my meal. However, I tend to prefer sin in just about every other possible context.

The greatest problem, however, is not believing in sin. I wish to engage in it, yet I do not know what it is and must instead act on clues from others. I sometimes wonder whether this itself is considered sinful, but no, unfortunately, it probably is not.

Ya, see, I'm a huge sin fan, but those pesky calories! Oy!

I dunno, I find I don't put on weight with Sin, but to be fair, I'm very skinny anyway.

In my experience, sin often leads to weight loss. But it is horrible on the complexion!

Sin can be overdone a bit. It depends on the kind of meat you use, the heaviness of the pan, the blah blah blah I'm done with this joke.

All the homos wore multiple rings and had lizardy demons crouched on their shoulders while they smirked and french-kissed in front of classes of screaming toddlers.

So true. Testify.

damnit.
I totally missed that homo memo.

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1052/1052_01.asp

"But the angels blinded them and rescued Lot and his family."
Clearly the angels tricked them into a massive bout of self abuse and lo! they went blind.

Achilleselbow's non-strange guests are not very attractive at all. Not one bit.

There are other details they opted to omit.

Thank you for this! I've forwarded it on to all my favorite Sodomites.

Pity the Sodomites you hate. They don't get shit.

LOL and a chubby.

Would you rather they got shit?

Some Sodomites get shit, but they're doing it wrong.

Yes. But some like it that way!

Santorum.

If anyone tries to make you Gay, stay away from them!

I like that Gay is capitalized throughout the entire tract.

I for one would be interested in seeing a short story by Philippe, entitled "The Kid Who Arrested Metallica."

Man Hetfield looks so pissed.

It wasn't for drugs or violent crimes. It was because they ran out on a $456.34 hotel bill. That, and their music is so bad. Oh, and the tags on the van were expired.

While I don't think it would approach "The Kid Who Ended the Mafia" heights, I think it would be a delightful read.

YES

Phillipe is already confused.

It muft be unclothed

A good philippe comic without philippe?

They couldn't get the drum machine manual in the shot.

I feel the Mexican lifestyle is more colorful because of the eternal condiments. When I was young, I had to go someplace more...even worse... after school while my mom was still at work. I developed a rather intolerant view of the devout as a result.

...those...aren't...hugs.

I an more comfortable when Teodor wears pants

Agreed. It is good to see him up and about. Nothing like getting fuzzed with a tiger and some basic graphic design to drive away the blues that come from almost ruining a wedding.

Bad Bob is my favourite Chick tract. It may have no references to Moon God's, but I just can't resist the title.

Is that shit real? It can't be real.

Do you not have Chick tracts in England? You poor, ignorant bastards. My personal favorite is the one about Dungeons and Dragons.

oh my god, they actually exist.
i wouldn't know, living in godless australia.

Holy crap. I just... I don't even know how to react to that. And they give this to kids?

[IMGS OFF]

"...trapped in a dungeon of bondage"? This isn't like the D&D games I know...

But it does sound like the kind of D&D games I'd LIKE to know, ha chachacha!

I think you need this more than I do.

When the button said "Instant Rimshot", I can't tell you how scared I was to push the button.

And yet I jumped more that there was surprisingly loud sound attached to the potential analingus, than I probably would have jumped at the expected analingus visual coming towards the fore of my screen.

NOTE: There was no analingus.

ORALINGUS.
MEANS: KISSING ON THE MOUTH

Quote:

Hey baby, my level 15 rogue has Rope Use as one of his non-weapon proficiencies... *wink*

You must be doing it wrong.

WARNING: see Acts 19:13 - 17

WATCH OUT. THE WORD OF THE LORD IS COMIN ATCHA.

I'm still none the wiser.

Don't go tryin' to cast out demons then, in that case.

I love the censorship modern Bibles have.

"Naked and bleeding" basically equals "violently sodomised"

I also remember hearing that the word translated as "filth" in a section of one of the major prophets, would be more accurately translated as "shit". Not "faeces", "shit." It was the coarse word for it. The guys who did Old King James probably would have translated that directly as shit nowadays, but they fucked up a lot of other stuff like adding in unicorns and thinking that translating the English version from the German version is just as good as translating it directly from the original Ancient Greek/Hebrew/Aramaic (like they do with translations these days).

*Note: yes, I realise the Torah is in Ancient Hebrew and not Aramaic - all except half of Daniel, which for some reason breaks into Aramaic once the Babylonian priests start wailing about the king's commands, and then keeps it up until, I think, when Daniel starts to prophesy about the end of the world. Somewhere around there it cuts into Hebrew again.

There may be a legitimate reason for why they did this, and if anyone knows or can ask their Rabbi/Priest/Minister/Lecturer/Witch Doctor, I'd be really interested to find out.

vchub

According to a local preacher who routinely tells me that I'm going to hell, when god said that Good Works were "filthy rags" in his eyes, he meant used menstrual pads.

I love it when this guy comes to campus.

I...I'm certain I've heard the exact same guy!

That or it's a common piece of congregation's-attention-grabbing preacher trivia. There's a few of those going around. I'm sure I've mentioned a number of them in this strip and the next one, what with all the discussion of theology and exegesis.

I know him as Rev. Skelly:

http://www.pinpointevangelism.com/

http://www.xanga.com/Rev_Kerrigan

You?

The best part is his 80s porn mustache.

I like how that guy looks remarkably like a Tom of Finland charicature in most of those panels.

[IMGS OFF]

er, i mean: http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/0/0e/Dd_13.gif

once upon a time i was in the local library and there was this girl who SPRANG up to her friend who was on the computer next to me, shrill with excitement! some kids at her school had been calling her a witch and she went SPRINGING into action by going to the library and checking out some books on Wicca and the like. her logic was this: 'if they call me a witch, i will make it so and my evil magick will SPRING forth upon them and do..[i don't know. hurt them or whatever it is supposed to do.]'

she was Twelve.

Why's she always "springing" everywhere?

Haha, oh my god that was wonderful. Thank you, in a way. Thank you for this entirely new comic vista.

What the hell are Black Beauties, and how can I find Bad Bob to procure some.

A trucker drug. Keeps you awake for a long haul.

Wow. That's actually more poorly-written than usual for Chick. I'm amazed.

As a scientist, I've always been partial to "Big Daddy" :
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0055/0055_01.asp

The teacher is ugly => evolution don't be right.

(special logic symbol makes argument more convincing)

And it's about time ya' learnt it!

It's useless, Gomez doesn't even care about the afterlife anymore. Heaven doesn't have a giant bronze bull standing on an elevated platform with a mysterious medallion mounted to its head. The thing would make God himself jealous.

No wonder the poor sucker is so smitten.

Evil Roy Slade don' worship nuthin

That's two V-Chubs on one strip, lady. This one is very much more deserved.

lately all I seem to do is chubby autrepoupee

I know, jeez, I need to save some for other people.

As with a previous comment regarding catgirl, I am glad you said this before Pogo did.

Aw shucks, gang. I'm blushing towards my computer and kicking at the ground like nobody's business!

Your ignorance is infinite... as Phillipe has always been five, and will be always. Amen.

I thought teira was joking.
Hard to read 1400 strips and not know that PHILLIPE IS FIVE.

I assumed he was joking. I too was joking. The whole Phillipe is five thing is pretty much ubiquitous yes?

It has been known that Phillippe is five probably since 2001.

Phillipe draws one porcupine house every day. Perfectly. Phillipe kills one prostitute a day. Perfectly. Phillip draws one porcupine house every day. Perfectly.

Jack Chick wins

Unless you combine the two! Get Philippe to draw the killing of a prostitute, every day - Perfectly.

That's not gonna mess him up for life! Especially if he does it every day and starts to enjoy it when he reaches puberty and starts having sexual feelings attached to the butchering of prostitutes! As long as he also learns to repress any sexual feelings because they're dirty and demonic and when you touch a woman's breast outside of wedlock, even if she wants you to, it is a filthy demon entering into you and working through you, and then entering into her*


*I was taught that last part by my former pastor when I was a teenager and it kinda fucked me up for a long time.

Wow! What a mojo-killer! With a side dish of guilt.

At least you didn't have to do the drawings.

It's so hard to draw a porcupine's house right every time. You're lucky to draw it right once.

THIS IS THE PORCUPINE HOUSE WHERE THE PROSTITUTE CHILDREN WILL DIE.

Philippe? Philippe? I am a prostitute.

yes

I don't know if these will ever be as entertaining as the "Dark Dungeons" tract...

Generally the art in chick tracts is better than presented in the second panel.

And all you people hating Jack Chick... how about hating somebody who's got an iota of influence on policy in America or elsewhere.

Chick is only a step up from Fred Phelps; he allows conservatives who are regressive in every meaningful way to say 'hey, I'm a moderate, at least I'm not like him!'

Sing it, sister!

That last sentence was almost romantic. You're such a punk, I love it.

[IMGS OFF]
Punk, eh?

ror

Why won't we see our friends? Is it because hell is too dark (as alluded to)? Is it poorly designed? Is it just plain hard to get around with inadequate public transit and the inability to park anywhere? Actually, now that I think about it I think I'm just describing San Francisco, which is most definitely not hell. A fact that can be obviously proven because although it does not freeze over it is astoundingly cold even during summer months.

Perhaps hell is simply like being assigned to a lunch schedule when all of your friends were assigned to another one so you have to be sorta friends with people you don't really ever see outside of lunch. Man, hell must be very socially awkward.

Wow. You really GET hell!

That's why my friends won't be there. They'll have killed themselves.

Just don't drink the Koolaid. It's laced with thorazine for the soul.

But if they kill themselves in hell, where are they gonna go?

Ask Molly.

But seriously, I think it's either Hoboken or Baltimore. That'll teach 'em!

a friend of mine lived in baltimore. her best story is that someone broke into her basement, and took a crap on the floor. the best part of the story is that there was a toilet about ten feet from where this person shat.

so it's kinda anticlimactic. i still think it's funny.

And that was a good day!

Superhell.

It totally sucks there.

In superhell pancakes are like $8 even if you make them at home. And everyone even you, no matter how they fight it, talks with the pace and vernacular of a 12 year old excited gossiping girl, always. All entertainment is about cowboys.

Fuck. Apparently this dude has short-sighted ears as well. God damnit man, do you hunt raptors? Do you really need that much instant peripheral clarity?

Ehhh... maybe, but I can't help but think I see a lot more hate for Chick than I do for more deserving figures on the internets. So while the unlimited bile argument may work individually, on a broader level I reckon there's something up.

Mrclarinet (feelings: con) thinks there isn't enough hate on the internets.
It's certainly a bold position to take. Maybe he should upgrade his avatar to something more 'challenging', like a swastika - you know, to get the hate revved up a bit.

Looking forward to another prized lame from the fellow in question.

"The Hitler we know. The Hitler we love. The Hitler with a song in his heart!"

We've had right wing propaganda. Heres some left wing stuff! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmP8Bgof6KE

Au contraire; there's plenty of hate on the internets. Indeed, if hate was money, the internets would be something akin to Weimar Germany in the 1920s. It's just that the hate is so often misdirected.

hate is misdirection.

Honestly, this is just about the perfect thing to say, ever. Thank you.

A Weimar Republic reference...and one that makes sense...you sir have my respect.

Besides, hatred for Chick is a time-honored tradition that *gasp* <i>predates</i> the internet.

dang HTML gettin' all up in my assetbar...

Fact: Before the internet, that's how all HTML would have looked.

Unlikely. Was Chick operating in the 60s?

durr. it wasn't the INTERNET until probably January 1, 1983 when everything switched over to TCP/IP. Jack Chick had been working on tracts since about 1970.

snort

Yes - I am not talking about the military and university networks that became what we know as the internet, but rather the common popular perception of what the internet means. And that means either the BBS stuff that happened in the 80s or the World Wide Web in that most people call the internet in the 90's.

Oh look at me, I'm being a dick about terms. Apologies.

Either way, I was able to loathe and laugh at Chick tracts in hardcopy form long before we were able to load them in our web browser of choice.

Just because most people are wrong, it doesn't mean they're not wrong. This includes you.

Yeah, Darpanet!

But seriously, Chick was around a long time before Al Gore invented the Internet.

Jack Chick is a craven douchebag with no redeeming qualities. I totally agree with your statement.

Can you honestly say you feel that there's nothing political about what Chick does?

Suggesting that he is playing to ignorant masses, rather than buying into the drivel he puts forth, or what are you implying?

Well, Chick's goal is clearly to change the way society works - less gays, less premarital sex, more bible education in schools, etc etc. To me, that's political. I was asked "Who even said anything about politics?" To me, any discussion of Chick that goes beyond how good the drawing of his hired hacks is is political.

I have a feeling that for you, everything is political.

And, I'm confused: Do you have point here somewhere? Are we hating Chick too much, or not enough?

Not everything, but perhaps more than most people. Still, I think it's defensible.

The point is not that Chick is undeserving at hatred. I just think he's something of a lightning rod for ridicule that is out of proportion to his significance.

Hate a hater, you only give him more power. Your power!

Which is fine. It is, after all YOUR power to do with as you please.

The guy with the DDR seal for an avatar is the Acheworld hate sheriff.

Oh, Autrepoupee. Your wordsmithy makes me bring back the once-forgotten V-Chub, just for you. Hold onto it well.

Chubby because I do not know who Bill Kristol is.

Hear hear. Every calorie squandered on poking fun at Jack Chick is a calorie that can't be invested in doctrinaire quacking in the comments thread of a web-comic about cats and alive stuffed animals. Stay focussed people!

Oh, the IT'S JUST A COMIC LOL LOL argument. How... new.

You inspire me with your originality of... thought.

ITYM "focused."

i;m r in sush ba tmoret.. cunt evbin capitilaize

i as cushion but i dun asp it her no mor cuz u funny fukers dun gib em stat answars gon has 2 fin out 4 maselb hoeber i eben du dat. but lik watevs i dun car

Hoo-ee. This is a tricky one. Ahem.

"I'm in such bad torment. I can't even capitalize.

I ask questions but I don't ask it here any more because you funny fuckers don't give any straight answers (?) I have to find out for myself, however I even do that. But, like, whatever. I don't care."

Best I could come up with. Damnit, where are the pros when you need them?

Loneal and I have chosen not to renew our contracts with gladi8orrex due to creative differences.

Hey, I got a lame from him too. What do I take this to mean? That it was a poor translation? Or that he just didn't take to my patronising word-processing of a post that was already easily understandable, God.

Artists are famously petulant. If you need a reason, there is one.

the title is correct. actually a rip of one of Ray's monk-dimin' blog entries.

i have questions but don't ask here no more 'cos u funny 'sinners' don't give them straight answers. gone as to find out for myself how ever i even do that. but like whatever i don't care.


and that is how the game is played. if he goes for real i don't know how i'm going to use this skill i've acquired..other than read 14-year-olds' text messages.

so i almost wrote a comment about how i had no idea what i was talking about here.

then i followed the trail and it ended up being a gladlation. mystery: solved.

oh MAN I didn't expect that from seeing the first panel. hilarious.

No one is saved until they read this tract.
http://www.hellblazer.com/media/chick-cthulu.html

Please forgive my low link capabilities.

No one should have to cut and paste.

http://www.hellblazer.com/media/chick-cthulu.html

You are a soul most kind.

If society had more people like you, we would be riding unicorns and orange juice would taste pleasant after brushing your teeth.

Regarding orange juice and toothpaste: Word.

This website hellblazer.com has nothing to do with John Constantine. I feel cheated.

Whoa, when did you change your avatar back?

i noticed it sometime last night

Since then it has become significantly more swollen and irritated.

Yesterday.

For that sort of thing, Catgrl, you may in fact be eaten first.

Thank swivens you said that before Pogo did.

I am saddened by the factual and spelling errors in this tract. It is not a credit to Cthulhuism.

Go mad with knowledge.

God's defenders of the pure soul (a.k.a. "antibodies")always lay down their arms in the darkness of sin.

Now why did Rick have to go and rock a dude's can?

Jack Chick may be the funniest person there is but not on purpose. He thinks that Halloween is Satan's birthday and that Satan celebrates by putting a jack-o-lantern on his head and goes around killing with a chainsaw. And by saying some religious verse, ugly altar boys can scare him away.

I think the Billy Graham Library in Charlotte is pretty funny.

We have Bibles! Lots of Bibles! Thousands of Bibles! So many Bibles! AND YOU HAVE TO READ THEM.

Goodie!

Let's start with the Latvian one.

What I find amusing about Chick is that his biblical literalism makes him utterly unable to distinguish between different grades of sin and probably weakens his message. He shows people who have sex before marriage in exactly the same boat, eg getting tortured by demons, as those who rape children. I would suspect that many fairly conservative christians who would otherwise be sympathetic to his ideas and even disapprove of fairly innocuous things like pre-marital sex would shy away from the idea that consensual adultery is as bad as child rape.

The thing about Christianity is that it doesn't really differentiate. I mean, sure, you hear about these different circles of hell, but when it comes down to it, it's all eternal damnation. Whether you're kiddy fiddlin' or just considering the possibility of a universe without a personal god.

Unfortunately, you have fallen into the same trap. You say Christianity is always black and white with no shades of gray, yet you have put all Christians together in their beliefs. Many Christians have no problem differentiating things, and I would even go so far as to say certain Christian sects are able to differentiate.
Not that I fall in that Christian category, just thought I should point out that if you are advocating the concept of 'seeing grey areas,' then you should see grey areas in everything. Which in itself is a black and white belief. So is it just Christianity that is black and white? Look at all the forces in your life and thought and tell me, can we actually escape duality?

Oh, and the other fascinating thing, I always love seeing how many concepts from other sources than the Bible make it into Christian belief or discussion of Christian belief. In this case, I mean the circles of Hell, which are not from the Bible, but from Dante.

Well, arguably the orthodox position of the western church is that there are not different levels of sins. You are either in a state of complete sin, working to get away from sin to grace, or in a state of grace. The differences between rape and pre-marital sex are more in how they relate to your attitudes towards your fellow man etc.

YES

as a british person this is my first exposure to jack chick's special attempts at education. i love him hard. thank you america

Ahhhhh, Chick Publications...the formative comic of my youth...mostly because I got no other comics. These were O.K. with my mom because A) they were Xtian and B) they were free. All together now..."Yaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

The "moon god" tract is probably the "greatest" example of a Chick Tract:

Chick: Islam worships a moon god!
Muslim: No it doesn't, it worships Allah.
Chick: But your symbol is a picture of the moon!
Muslim: Oh my god, you're right! I'm going to convert now!

Is anyone else thinking of converting to Sikh for the badass sword-god?