Cornelius's New Computer

Cornelius's New Computer 04/01/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

The rear ports have a tonneau cover for worry-free seaside computing.

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In panel 1, Beef is wondering how long it would take for a lawn neglected of water to die.

I'm sharing your confusion here; is Beef outside in Panel 1, or is he inside?

As spoken by angry looking Cornelius, that comment is forceful and so must be believed at any cost, no matter the excess syllables.

You deserve no lames. I ponder the same.

In their defense, most of those lames were probably deserved. Definitely not on the ball when I was writing that. Lesson learned: don't make comments at 2 in the morning while studying for a presentation. This Is Not Optimal.

I thought the Lames were completely unnecessary, and that your statement was amusing enough.

He is wearing short. Ipso facto, outside.

Even though he has been naked outside many times.

So naked.

Flight of the Conchords!

Do you see a doorstep? Mat? Sign saying "Bless this house?"

(And it's heart so savage...)

Anyway, no way that is a doorway linking the interior to the exterior of a domicile. It is not a threshold.

chubby for newsom reference

Oh damn, didn't even see you there. Beat me to it. Also, same here.

Newsom, mayhaps?

Made slightly less special by my confusing "it's" and "its".

Sadie will now eternally be associated with images of Beef tearfully digging up a pinecone.

Actually, funny story, it's actually the song I tend to associate with the eponymous Kate.

death note avatar. you are badass. i loved that show!

I only loved the first arc, before the second set of villains showed up. It just went downhill from there. Light's victory against L was cheap.

L was genius but Light was an EVIL genius.

You can't really call Near and Mello "villains" any more than you can L himself. And yeah, Light's victory was cheap, and if he didn't have the advantage of his knowledge and L's respective ignorance of the Death Note and its specificitions, he would have lost.

But this is not the time nor the place for such discussions.

Too late.

He is inside, standing next to the off-screen sofa where Teodor is still sitting, watching the Laika documentary. Cornelius did not notice his nudity because he is focused on modernization.

This strip is from Continuity.

linoleum flooring? Or is it terrazzo?

Built to resist cricket bats.

Shrovis Bishopthorpe makes a real corker of a machine, wot?

spot on, chap. I must confess, the Shrovis Bishopthorpe Traditional Queen's-English-Style Electronics and Electricals Internet-and-Telephone-Based Catalogue and Mailing Service has entered upon many monetary contracts with the creditors of my accounts, in the interest of acquiring copious amounts of the finest Queen's-English-Style Electronics and Electricals for myself.

You are not good at anyone's English. This is because of semantics.

i can't help it. it happens every time i put on a monocle and top hat. i just can't stop.

There's a place you can go, Monocles Anonymous.

Mononomymous for short.

YES

"My name is morelaak, and I am a monocleholic."

"SALUTATIONS, MORELAAK"

vChub.

This is my first vChub on this page, as I seem to have had an inordinate amount of chubbies to give.

Monocles! What news from the north?

Haha, virtual chubby for continuity!

Oddly enough, my British KEF speakers were built in Tovil-Maidthorpe, England. This is not a lie. It makes this comic that much more of a mindrush.

Actually, it mentions that in the catalogue of jokes you can buy for a few extra euros.

Oh no you di'int.

He meant to say dollars.

Canadian dollars.

Please be a troll.

The only pornography viewable on the Envaliant III is an early wardrobe malfunction where Queen Elizabeth's ankle was visible when she exited her carriage.

V-Chub.

Seconded.

I'm really just tryin to make up for the fact that I got a full Lame Load in the face on my last comment. I didnt know how much hostility assetbar had for mediocre comedy

This is a good start. The problem yesterday was mainly that it was right there at the top of the comments for all to see. It is very easy to get chubbied or lamed there, especially if it looks even remotely like you posted there just to have your comment easier to see for Those Who Do Not Scroll Down Far. People run out of chubbies and sometimes even lames as they scroll down, and even then, they pay less attention to comments that already do not have any attention paid to them. Sometimes a V-Chub is necessary to get people to start giving you actual chubbies.

Chubby for assetbar sociology.

Seconded, I thought this was a Comment Place like any other, I see now that it's rules are quite foreign to me. I shall now endeavor to understand this.... (italics) ASSETBAR!

Haha, V-Chub for avoiding the pitfalls of BBCode altogether.

BBCode is like the polka: it's all about the notes you italics don't no-italics play.

Preferably, italics none of them. no-italics

See, that's just admitting defeat. Conquer your ~~fears~~, lest they conquer you.

Some sort of preview function would probably help as well, but that's another matter entirely.

Chubby for successfully conquering assetbar, as well as The Else icon. Nice.

Damn, If I wasn't out of chubbies I'd be giving you one for the drinky crow avatar.

There is just...so much delightful British slang. My wee Yankee brain can hardly handle it.

Seriously when I went to England and I learned that they did not actually talk that way I argued with everyone in the airport and eventually just stood in the middle of the food court and screamed for like a good minute or so

Almost nothing comes with a catalogue of jokes and I never found out what a color supplement was

Parade Magazine. The Life Magazine distributed free in some newspapers until last year. Those were color supplements.

It's where they hide the good crossword puzzle in the Washington Post. I forget if anything else is in it.

You got off a good one-minute scream? That might not sound very long, but people should try it sometime.

Nobody could possibly think screaming for a minute without stopping is not a very long scream

even if you think about it medium-hard.

You wouldn't happen to be the something awful spinynorman would you?
%u201CWhat the gently caress is going on?%u201D

Y... yeah, that'd be me. Not sure what AssetBar did to you there.

I had just read that long story about the meal where your car got towed in case your wondering. I think it was linked from here but I was drunk last night and can't find that strip so I'm not too sure. No, not too sure at all. Oh, and those are quotation marks that are being mangled there.

Yep, it was back in the molecular gastronomy strip, unless I'm mistaken.

Yeah, it was, thanks for pointing that out. Also...
slightly off topic...
I just saw a girl about my age being cling-filmed to a bus-stop pole on the way down here, just messing obviously but it was pretty funny all the same.
No longer off-topic
Thank U for your patience
Yeah, pretty funny story, did that friend ever get fired from that place?

Sounds like fetishists. I am not kidding.

Heh, yeah I crossed the road when I saw it but one of the guys doing the wrapping was one of my room-mates in first year and he was pretty nice and the girl was laughing so I doubt it, would not be entirely surprised if there was such a fetish though.

Just because you know them, and they are laughing it does not mean that they are not also aroused.

You should put that on t-shirts

Goddammit lawbot... I'm just thinking it seems to be quite an odd or uncommon turn-on for a group of people to be taking part in, maybe there's a flyer around here somewhere?

Has no one ever heard of Ulrich Haarbuste?

I sprung for [url="http://www.troubador.co.uk/book_info.asp?bookid=434"]Ulrich Haarburste's Novel Of Roy Orbison In Clingfilm[/url]. The pleasure is unexampled.

Ulrich Haarburste's Novel Of Roy Orbison In Clingfilm.

good god

There's a bloke in Bizarre Magazine who wraps himself up...

Noooooooo...
My first assetbar fuckup!

I am trying to imagine the kinds of arguments you were having in that airport.

"What do you mean you don't talk this way? Start talking that way!"

"How can you say this is England! You're kicking me in the nuts and calling it football!"

"Your attempts to use game theory to explain the devaluing of the dollar are at best misguided and at worst sophistical!"

"I'd tell you to suck my big fat cock but your yellow ass teeth would dent the finish!"

Also, this will make you a mite jealous Spiny. A couple weeks ago I had to call the BBC to ask them to e-mail some audio from one of their shows to us and I was amused to learn that when ending a phone call, they say "Cheers!"

But that would piss me off if I lived in England and had to deal with people saying a salutation that basically makes me feel like I am supposed to have a demeanor that I do not have every single goddamn day.

Yeah, I understand "cheers" can be used just for anything, from handing you your change to writing you a parking ticket, or finishing up a vigorous handjob in the street. Life's funny that way, isn't it?

It's been too long since I had a good streetjob.

But only a vigorous handjob. A lackluster handjob does not warrant a "cheers" but rather a "right, that'll be 50p, hand it over and sod off."

The Shrovis-Bishopthorpe Envaliant III - 80% more wood veneer than the BBC Master 128!

Kind of like this one?

[IMGS OFF]

That crank!

I prefer to think of it as a wammy bar.

Dude, activate star power...

For Sale: King George III's laptop.

Includes the following software

Photoshoppe
Revere inftant meffenger
Microfoft Office Fuite
Norton Anti-Plague
Lavafoft pofted bill-aware
Grand Theft Carriage III
Command and Conquer - Wafhington'f Revenge

Also, the long s would never occur at the end of the word, and would only replace the first s in a ligature, but that's neither here nor there and does naught to detract from the chubby-worthiness of this effort.

too much effort.

Little rat throws a brick right in morelaak's face.

And morelaak enjoys it.

NO.

I've seen it before but goddamnit if I didn't just go and watch it again.

I didst not know thefe conventions for the ufe of the letter f. Verily, I did it for the lulf.

"Office Fuite" is an existential French program that illuminates the absurdity of modern commerce

v to the Chub, yo.

The screen always displays with the appearance of an old film reel. All counting down from 5 whenever you boot it up.

Man. That would be awesome. I would genuinely like to have that on my computer.

Agreed. Plus it would have a popcorn maker so you could sit there with a bucket of popcorn while the computer counts down its startup.

I want it to make the card-shuffle sounds like those holepunch card computers from the 1950's.

...

Also, yes, like the Batman computers from The Animated Series.

i actually went to quite a bit of effort to make my computer start up with the Book's 'tabulator' noise from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy original radio series.

So yeah I know how you feel.

Is ".ogg" an actual file extension? My broweser begs to differ.

It is, it's one of those audiophile-friendly superhigh bitrate audio formats. Like SHN only not for dicks.

OGG VORBIS RULEZ M4A DROOLZ

Erm hopefully this wav of nearly the same noise is playable?

An ogg file is like an mp3 but us linux types prefer it because it's not as heavily patented.

and supports surround sound!!

It's ogg vorbis file format, usually associated with divx/xvid codecs. Hey, I am a nerd after all.

And it runs Vista so you have time to finish the bucket of popcorn. Very considerate of them to think of those little details.

My Vista laptop starts up pretty quick. But I could always go for popcorn so y'know, good call either way.

Mine too, but it takes quite a while to shut down.

Cricket hero four

EH? HOWZAT WHAT WHAT!

That's champion, that is.

Cornelius would be hell of steampunk, if he weren't so inherently averse to the word "punk".

Steamgent.

"Gent" sounds like it would be the word to replace "man" when superhero comic books are translated into British so as to avoid copyright infringement.

What, are you daft? Are you a bit slow or something? Who the devil do you think I am? I'm the bloody Batgent.

I try to hoard my chubbies against a situation like this, but after two days of the same strip even I am sadly spent. If I could take back some chubbies given in the heady early hours of this strip, I surely would, but instead I'm reduced to this: thanks for posting this comment. It was funny.

...

So, do you watch any TV shows?

Lately I have been turning Vchubs into real chubs. I am some sort of exchange, the end of which has already been predicted by Manflesh.

I press on anyway. I got hium for you.

VIRTUAL CHUBBY STOP
THAT WAS AWESOME STOP

APOLOGIES TO YOU SIR, I RAN OUT OF CHUBBIES. STOP.

I am prepared to say this is deserving of a standing ovation.

I am flattered.
Also, because of the way comments indent themselves, I really hope you were talking to me.

Correct.

The indentations are just another way Assetbar is cruel for cruelty's sake.

What an unexpected gem of a term!

it should definitely be a subculture.

The phrase and ideology you're looking for is Neo-Victorian. Like all things, there's some good and some bad mixed up with it, but I, being the kind of dude I am, wouldn't mind seeing a resurgence of Victorian ideals. Y'know, minus the bigotry, racism, casual ignorance, and complete segrigation of the sexes.

Music box version of Mozart's eine kleine nachtmusik tinkles in the background.

"You've got . . . wood!!"

Royal, innit!

Hey rotating-dog you missed one strip (there are 1395), check the strips you havent seen thing at the left and you should find it.
For some reason a complete stranger has missed a comic on assetbar and it is bugging me a little.

WANT

Yes, I must say after a single examination of that computing machine I must declare that my computing machine is RUBBISH!

I have a question, is 'rubbish' like a funny British thing to say? I am a British person and thought it was just a very normal thing to say.

Yeah, Americans don't really say rubbish. We understand what it means and all, but we say trash or garbage instead.

Or, realistically "bullcrap" or "BS."

Or, realistically, "bullshit".

Still doin' that, huh?

YES

Speaking of British slang words that start with the letters "rubb," a Kuwaiti friend hilaritized me the other day by referring to erasers as rubbers.

You didst not explain what rubber means in Kuwait?

I have a pink rubber on my pencil

You guys don't say "rubbers"?

I thought I knew basically everything about American dialect from dating one for eighteen months, but apparently not.

*gasp* Even I knew that, and the closest I get to an American is I once saw John Barrowman on my televisual tube.

We say the word "rubbers" sometimes, but it means "condoms."

In England the way they say condoms is "conDOMS."

Damndest thing.

Well, that's not true at all.

Maybe not quite, but it does seem like you guys stress both syllables equally, whereas we stress the first but not the second, making it sound very strange to me.

prophylactic.

why yes, i did spell that correctly on the first try.

preservatif

Je voudrais le pain sans preservatif, SVP.

Ohh Spiny, I had absolutely no idea what you meant, but a friend of mine explained it to me. It's because, while in the word "condom" we still emphasise the first syllable, we say the "dom" part like "Tom", whereas you say it like... that language term that I can't remember even though I should because I took English Language A Level... But it means when a vowel in a word is not pronounced as it normally would be but just as a kind of "uh" sound.

Yeah. Basically we say "condumb."

Alternately, it may be pronounced "gunny sack".

We really emphasize the first syllable, like "CAHNdumb." The two syllables don't rhyme, either. With yours they sort of rhyme and have the same stress, and it always sound pretty funny to me, like you're using received pronunciation about a sleazy "sex item."

And, for bonus,

KAAAAAAHNdum

...

Hey, I didn't like that joke, either.

That is exactly the way a person from Boston would say 'condom.' vChubs, dear boy.

or "jimmy hat", "love glove", and in certain situations as "Coney Island Whitefish"

Don't forget "french letters," wot?

In France, the called them English Overcoats.

the = they
me = more haste less speed.

Heccibiggs, I believe the term you are looking for is "schwa." It's symbolized by a kind of upside-down e-looking thing, but I'm 100% sure Assetbar will just embarrass me again if I try to type it.

Ah, yes, thank you.

Hee hee!
Oh, hee hee hee!

A chubby for your comment matching your avatar!

You super giant homo-jackass!

Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded. What's a guy to do? Or, you know... a girl.

looks like one of them steampunk computers.

Two things:

Onstad uses Wodehouse-stylee as a peer of the realm.

and:

The Beef and Bear team is full of zip and dash.

This sounds like the setup for an episode of Keeping Up Appearances.

Hyacinth being all

"Yes, encased in the stoutest Dartmoor Tin"

"Five-hundred twelve megabytes of mem'ry, and each f those is a thousand kilobytes dear"

"Richard, [i]do[/1] try to wear something rather nicer than a bathrobe when looking at lewd images on the new computing machine"

Did i seriously just put a 1 instead of an i? They're like the two farthest-away from each other keys on the board

Also:

"Of course we got the high-burnish 100% brass dials, i think anything else is rather low-class, don't you?"

(No question was asked about the dials)

Meanwhile over on Last of the Summer Wine they're all "A what? A...computer? What's all this then?"

Were those two shows always shown in a block or something? Because i've only seen like ten episodes of "Keeping up Appearances" (and i read the book one time) and that's the show i associate it with, also.

I think they were. But I used to watch reruns of Last of the Summer Wine every night when I was younger. It really was a great show. I don't think they show it anymore though, sadly.

Keeping Up Appearances is based on a book?

No, they wrote a book about the show. Pretty funny, and it contained the information that led me to conclude that Sheridan is actually gay.

vChub

I have read Achewood since about three weeks after it started, but this is the first time I've felt bold enough or drunk enough (or both) to get on here and say something.

Uhh, their activities are well conveyed. Or something.

Beef and Cornelius is a good combo. There should be more of that sort of thing.

I'll stop now.

congratulations elscoob! that is a good first step towards what we call "social interaction" here on these webcomic forums.

I'd have to agree with you there. Roast Beef/Mr. Bear interactions need to be up by at least 70 percent by next quarter. And since we lost business from our Roast Beef/Todd clients this last year, I propose a more aggressive Lyle/Philippe program.

umm no dog the lyle/philippe demographic is mostly in prison and do not have hell of benjamins maybe you should consider a different strategy

I think we're overlooking a key demographic here. It's been a while since a small otter learned the ins and outs of electrifying a toilet and I think there's a real market there at the moment.

I would pay so goddamn much money for this computer.

Homepage all set to Ask Jeeves instead of Google.

Hahaha. Do people still use Ask Jeeves? I haven't used it since I first heard about it when I was 11 or something, and just got excited by the gimmick factor ("You ask it questions? Wow.").

Propper people, like Cornelius, still do. They don't want just any miscreant fetching your websites. They want an upstanding fellow.

Now it's just ask.com. I don't think Jeeves is even on there anymore. It's basically just a Google or Yahoo! Search clone.

It's a cached copy of Ask Jeeves. Tradition must be observed.

Sad news from the real world. Search Ask Jeeves on Ask.com...

'Ask Jeeves is now Ask.com'

Now when you ask Jeeves the answer is always :(

Awww I had to find this after giving all my chubbies away :(

119. "THE 'SEARCH' ENGINE"
You are looking for a fancy restaurant to take your lady to. She is reading Vogue in the chair behind you. She does a :(

SOLUTION: Slap the computer tower and complain that you "really need to fix that DVD drive."

Just a HUGE virtual chubby right in your face.

Apparently they're getting out of the search business altogether, moving into other services.

Asking questions is my usual way of doing a search.

"How do you pronounce the soft sign?" "What does 'hammer on' mean?" "What are some things to do in Portland?"

I now require the answers to all of those questions.

Strangely, Jeeves told me that the answer to all three is the SAME!

...it's sex.

In Soviet Russia myakii znak (will not even attempt with assetbar) palatalizes you

You don't pronounce the soft sign per se; rather, it modifies the letter preceding it. It's almost like adding the first half of a "y" sound to the end of the consonant. Think of the way the "n" sounds in "Enya" if you cut off the vowel sound at the end.

That's a much better explanation that I have ever been offered. ("Palatize" means nothing to me!) It still seems like I'm pronouncing it more than I should, but definitely closer to correct at least.

i concur. that blew my mind.

o, search engines of yore...
Dogpile
Hotbot
Lycos

Lest we forget AltaVista.

Back in the days when everything you searched for, regardless of wording, came up with weird fetish porn.

I miss those days...

i totally still use altavista!

...i have not noticed that trend, though. in all seriousness.

man babelfish for the alt 0252ber win.

that is funny

i don't know if this was common internet knowledge or not, but my most lasting memory of ask jeeves was that if you asked him if he was gay, he would quite indignantly inform you that it was none of your business. rightfully so, i suppose.

i was always somewhat tickled by that. simpler times i suppose.

Chubby for having Subtle as your avatar. I know it's shallow, but DAMN is that a good album.

Yeah, I think Ask Jeeves did used to give you snarky answers if you asked certain questions, and it was kind of fun to try to find out which questions would produce them. I remember once I asked him what the meaning of life was, but instead of a snarky answer I got a very detailed outline of possible explanations of existence, which included links to NASA and the main tenets of most major religions.

Jeeves was a good man.

all startup noises sounding like the TARDIS engines when it is taking off

all having to press the ENTER key at the end of each line like a typewriter

all adding "STOP" to whatever IMs you send

YES.

HOW MANY CLOTHES ARE YOU WEARING. STOP.
[six days later]
SIX LAYERS TO KEEP WARM. STOP
[reply]
THAT IS SO HOT. STOP.

DEAR ROLF: STOP.
DON'T STOP!
YOUR LIESL

[six days later]
SORRY, YOUR LACK OF TELEGRAPH KNOWLEDGE FORCES ME TO LAME YOU. STOP.
SORRY FOR BEING AN ASS BUT I'M ANAL LIKE THAT. STOP.

[another six days later]
IT IS OKAY. STOP.
JUST FUNNIN' AROUND BUT IT IS OKAY. STOP.
I CHUBBY YOU FOR DOING THE RIGHT THING. STOP.

TELEGRAMS HAD NO PUNCTUATION STOP
ALSO COMMA YOU DID NOT GIVE A CHUBBY AS YOU SAID YOU WOULD STOP
YOU LOSE STOP

YES

STOP

WELL LOOK AT THE EGG ON MY FACE STOP
I LEARNT EVERYTHING ABOUT TELEGRAMS FROM ARCANUM STOP
I THEREFORE BLAME TROIKA ENTERTAINMENT STOP
ALSO VIRTUAL CHUBBY SIR EXCLAMATION MARK STOP

yeah, i'm ran out. so i withdraw with nothing to award you, the victor, with.

Yes. Anal like that. Anal like an ass.

Sorry, I just dig that phrase.

[code]LOL STOP[/code]

a ding! is heard at every enter press

Nah, just whenever you hit the return key. Also, the monitor leaps a couple of inches to the left.

What did you think I meant by 'enter'? They're the same button.

You might have the moral high ground of me having misread your message. But I put it to you that I have more chubbies.

Not that the original message didn't make sense, but saying it's the return key is more accurate, because it means carriage return like on a typewriter.

There is really no reason for me to have made this comment, but I'm making it anyway.

But the key is not called "return" anymore. Keyboards no longer say "return." They say "Enter."

*Squeal of tires. Gunshots. Some female passer-by screams*

Oh, NO, what side do I take? I love you both!

I posit that the Envaliant III will have a return key, and not an enter key. I am prepared to invent nerdy gang symbols and wear bandannas of certain colors in order to properly throw down.

And if any of those goddam Enter boys get up in our grill, we'll pop caps in asses and such like.

You Return boys can eat my backspace.

I'm with the flying squid and Tekende. Return just doesn't make any sense.

If you explain how "return" makes more sense than "enter" I shall retract my statements and fight for your cause.

I am a keyboard mercenary.

Marcel Proust would have a Return key; Henry Miller would have an Enter key.

And Anais Nin? Dare I ask.

Well, historically, the key on typewriters was called the "carriage return," because it would return the carriage that held the paper to the beginning of the line. "Enter" is from the days when computers were made by people who were more comfortable with calculators than typewriters, because they thought of entering a number into the machine. I would say nowadays that "return" makes more sense in the text-entry context, and "enter" in others. Since text entry is most of what most people do with computers, "return" makes more sense these days, I would say.

Of course, I still say "enter," but that may just be nostalgia for a misspent youth.

It's a holdover from typewriter days. "Carriage return" meant quite literally that the typewriter carriage would "return" to the left of the page.

Like I said, an old-school machine such as the Envaliant III would likely operate on the well-worn principle of the monitor moving to the left with every strike of a key, and then "returning" to the proper position when the end of a line is reached.

Now... *offers bandanna* You in?

i have a sharpened hyphen and i'm not afraid to use it!

(My keyboard, which came with my Mac G5, has both a Return key AND an Enter key. Just sayin.')

The keyboard on my MacBook has one key, that says "Enter" on the top and "Return" on the bottom.

Sweet compromise!

Does it have a Backspace key yet?

My hp laptop has two Enter keys (one is by the numpad), but the normal one also has a little arrow pointing down and to the left, in a "your cursor will go over here if you press this" sort of way.

It looks like this: %u21B5
Come on, assetbar, don't fuck this up...

Lame away, fellas!

What, in your previous experience with Assetbar, made you think that would work?

I thought maybe assetbar has some kind of twisted rules about not displaying simple symbols like a plus sign but totally allowing the really obscure ones.

It's like a prehistoric rave up in here.

That's my third favorite kind of rave, after naked and fire

Unfortunately it was the prehistoric naked fire rave which led to the extinction of the dinosaurs.

YES

Things are starting to get heated.

Shit's goin' down on Assetbar...

I'm plotting a drive-by. An example must be made.

Why you dames always stirring up trouble? Huh lady?

damn broads

Caution:
In some instances, the acetate-ROM drive will extricate itself from the Envaliant, trundle to another desktop with greater surface area, and begin forming a new computing machine.

Soon, a fundamental system error will occur between the EIII and it's progeny, and a long conflict will ensue. After a significant loss of hardware and peripherals, the EIII will sever all of it's tethers from the upstart, resulting in irreversible changes:
-[code] � changed to $ [/code]
-the letter u removed from random words, such as "colour"

Fuck! *"English Pound to American Dollar"

It appears assetbar bears the same OS as the Envaliant...

About 2:1, I believe.

I would go high burnish... nothing says class like a nice shine on brass.

This is a computer that recently got mad-rutty.

The three dials, instead of controlling the color, brightness and tint instead control olfactory emitters for pipe smoke, old leather and stale air.

Way off topic here, but check out the April Fool's Shenanigans at Daily Dinosaur Comics, XKCD, and Questionable Content

Gee willikers, that looked like fun to plan! But I sure hope Onstad isn't feeling left out ...

HEE! OH HEE HEE HEE!

That made me all tingly! Did you see that one of the Questionable Content girls was wearing an "it is impossible to have a good day" shirt?

... by a retard ...

... It is one big fucking clich� ...

Ah fuck it ... they're typos ... you know what I meant.

It's still pretty funny though, right after wailing on a guy's webcomic =)

I thought that there is nothing I have come to hate more than people correcting their own comments in a daisy chain of endless wankery. Oh HEE HEE HEE. I FUCKED UP.

HYE EVERYOINE I FUCKED UP

OH I DID IT AGAIN THAT SHOULD BE HEY EVERYONE

But I was wrong. There is something I hate more.

And that is Questionable Content.

Heh. Ryan North's comments for today say that 85% of the response to the April Fool's prank was positive, and 15% was Questionable Content readers angrily accusing him of hacking QC's site.

It's April 1st and my favorite web-comic has been transformed into something else! I - am - not - an intelligent - person - but - please - help - me - to - see - the - connection - here!

As you managed to screw that reference up, I suppose we'll have to trust you on that one.

This hot girl keeps telling me I should read it. I have tried. Oh, how I have tried. But I just can't do it. Is so much bullshit.

Is worst bullshit, squeezed from ugliest ass.

I have to say you're right. I read it for a while in the beginning, when it was about a single dude bitching about life. Now it's pretty much Grey's Anatomy for hipsters, the only theme being "what seemingly improbable yet totally predictable hook-up can we throw at our readers next, because that is really what life is all about".

Oh yea, I noticed that last night but failed to make the connection, since I had been suppressing the fact that it was already April and my final papers are due in a matter of weeks.

Also, QC is hella terrible.

Ah, I like it. I do miss when it was just jokes about Mogwai though.

Mogwai the Scottish post-rock group?

No, the other Mogwai.

Yes, yes, the [url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gremlins"]other mogwai[/u].

Oh goddamnit. [url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gremlins"]MOGWAI[/url].

I give up.

Pssst...no quotation marks.

It's too late now.

I got what you trying to do. Props.

Yeah, the post-rock group. I seem to remember the early days of QC featuring much more discussion of music, and i liked that.

Dinosaur Comics is just testing the limit of being able to read the alt text... just TESTING it

Fuck! I have a qwantz link in my favourites and I just went through it without noticing that it went to the xkcd page. Wait, does this mean that to look at the new qwantz i have to put questionable content in my search history? Shudder

no. Just go to qwantz.com you ignoble man.

Ignoble? Damn... If you check the qwantz.com link it goes to xkcd, xkcd to qc and qc to qwantz. This was for April First which I completely forgot about.

Mine tongue is a harsh thing. And with regards to April First.. ha?

I appreciate good sass.

My first look at QC - at least it makes Diesel Sweeties look good

Diesel Sweeties is an Okay Webcomic.

Hey! I like Diesel Sweeties!

I'm not really sure if I'd like to see their catalogue of jokes.

They probably wouldn't make much sense.

"I say, me ol' T n' J, whatfor would you be carrying around that grease-tallow? I understand the Forve-Michael brand is rubbish and a half."

"Why, the landlord's lady tugged on my coat and put a plea in my ear, chap! Apparently in West Winthropshire their footpurchase demands that's the workings of the day, if they've even got one!"

"Ah ha! I say! Very good, very good."

"Why thank you. How is your mother?"

Oh! That is truly the limit.

Cue UK readers haughtily dismissing the improper use of old-school British slang.

bloody awful! he right bollocked this up eh, wot!

Mr. Bear is nothing if not old-school, in manner, language, and attire.

If anyone from across the pond dismisses him for using archaic slang, we'll never know, because their clunky sovereign rings and poorly-fitted knockoff tracksuit will prevent them from forming a thought on the keyboard.

Are you talking about "chavs"? Chavs have recently come to my attention on the int0r wabs. I'm leaving to study abroad in England in less than a week, and I've been researching them to make sure they aren't hellbats or trained killers. Mainly what I've found out is that they wear fake Burberry clothing, which I do not find particularly threatening.

Chavs are like, how you say, white trash (although, no offence, British society is less divided along lines of colour than US, so chavs can come in all hues, as can the spluttering middle classes. The discrimination is still freely available with issues of that beautifully complex institution, class). Chavs tend to be poor and working class, and it's easy to judge them because if you've been the victim of some kind of crime (speshly violent), the perpetrator is generally wearing the uniform. Also, gasp, they smoke in front of their babies and spit in public, and they are sartorially lacking, quelle horreur. Obviously, there are other people who dress like that because of fashion and the wonderful kudos associated with a life of crime or poverty in the western world (think hip hop artistes), and reverse snobbery where it's better to be thought of as a chav than a (like anyone uses this word any more) toff. And there are people like me who are forced to nod to the mores of their modes (perhaps a hoody, perhaps correct trainers) to lessen the number of cans thrown at my head as I traverse my neighbourhood. There are people from the same disadvantaged background that others use as an excuse to treat their fellow man like shit, that are perfectly lovely and getting tarred with the same brush, (not I, incidentally. I'm fine) but acknowledgement of this accepts that life is not easy to work out and navigate, and I for one won't have it. Cross the street when you see a baseball cap, and speak only to those whose parents could afford a private education for them, because they must be better people as their Burberry is real.

Uh, yeah, just remember that even Kit Marlowe was stabbed in a pub, and just because our accents are softly comical to you nasal people, doesn't mean you won't get caught in gang crossfire. Depends where you go though. Have a lovely time, It's a great place. My Yankee studying chums are totally jolly hockey sticks.

Fuck, man, it's called a line break.

The singular usage of this phenomenon only makes the lack in the rest of the post more stark.

Pretty solid definition of a "chav". My opinion is that they're mostly harmless. Of course, some teenage gangs are dangerous - I was just reading today about a father of beaten to death by a gang of drunk teenagers, because he asked them not to smash up his car - but mostly they'll just stand in large groups on the high street or in shopping centres ("malls" to you Yanks), being a slight nuisance and making rude comments to anyone they don't like the look of. Being slightly indie/alternative in my dress sense and having lower-back length red hair, I've received a few comments in my day.

Of course, I'm mainly talking about teenage chavs, who can really come from all walks of life, not just working class - as barrymorefm said, there's a kind of kudos associated with the look for some. The adult version of a "chav" can be equally abrasive, but they tend not to form large groups and beat up people for the fun of it, so it depends really.

Actually, loneal, it all depends on where you're going, really. I live in the county of Surrey, which is sort of varied. My village is basically chav-free, but one town over is chav-central. If you don't mind, can I ask where you're coming to study?

It's long red hair, as well? Oh, Heccibiggs, you do go on.

But yeah, the problem level of chavs is better defined by their attitudes than their numbers. My particular village is avowedly made up of teenage thugs, old people and the polish, but whilst out and about I've at best sustained the wounds of one or two flung insults or askance glances. Then again, I may have paid my dues through education at an assortment of barely below-barbarous public schools. Right now I'm probably just too tall and dress too unremarkably to elicit aggression.

And is that barely-suppressed enthusiasm for electronics that Cornelius is quivering with in the third panel?

You do wonders for my ego. Are you either a really really nice guy, or a metalhead, or a really nice metalhead? Cuz that's all I ever attract.

That you know of.

I see metal as respectable in its own sense, but in musical terms as a genre it's just an excuse for people to play guitars really hard.

I'm 80's to present alternative, personally. R.E.M., The Smiths, Arcade Fire, The Shins... I'd say it's like music to my ears, but that would be a confused and self-conscious simile.

It is because your hair has been forged in flame, with blood and steel.

Are you a marked man? I've never seen a less worthy post recieve a lame.

Usually lames go to lame posts, cruel posts, or totally awesome ones that are hated for some reason.

But your post was rather average, yet lamed. Why?

See below. Lawbot has a crush on me.

It's very simple: sometimes achilleselbow reminds me that I dislike him, and that he cares about lames, so I lame any post of his near a part of the page that I am reading.

Aww, that's kinda sweet. You're like an elementary schooler who doesn't really know what to do about the fact that you kind of like this person and want to spend time with them, so instead of saying nice things you pull the person's hair or shove them in the hallway.

I actually said nearly this exact statement some three or four comics back.

Lawbot is the kid that moms of other kids forced their kids to invite to birthday parties, against protestation.

I usually just imagine him as a large, horrifying squid who consistently shouts in a humorous monotone.

It was just as astute then.

You do realize how pathetic you're making yourself look, don't you? I left you alone after our last exchange, but you just needed more attention. It's not that I care about your lames - the 400 chubbies are more than enough to offset them. What bothers me more is that, as unfortunate as it is to believe, behind your avatar and whatever computer you're using to post this there sits a real human being (I use the term loosely) who actually gets off on coming to a messageboard where the vast majority of users come to have a good time and share similar humor, and does so for the purpose of being a cock to strangers instead. This is what everyone who retorts "hey it's only the Internet" forgets. It makes me sad for the future of humanity. I did not know that there were such assholes as you before the Internet existed. Not only that, but the multiple times you've been confronted with the simple fact that the overwhelming amount of lames is a clear indication that your comments are unwanted, you retreat into childish denial a la "Why do you care about lames so much?" At least have the sack to admit that you are a troll who gets off on antagonizing people.

I realize that by responding to you like this I'm just feeding the troll. Go ahead, respond with some glib, dismissive one-liner reveling because you think you've gotten me riled. We'll all be very amused, I'm sure.

what the fuck is this happy horseshit

Um...above comment was for lawbot and not Tekende, clearly.

Hey, everybody! Tekende's gonna fight achilleselbow!

/knocks chair over

I...I don't want no trouble, now.

*shouting frontier gibberish*

I killed achilleselbow. I killed him with an axe in the face.

his body is dissolving in a bathtub in hell's kitchen

I am seriously considering changing my avatar to reflect this axe in the face development.

That would rock, achilleselbow.

TLDR

heccibiggs, I'm going to Oxford. Are there hella chavs in Oxford?

More importantly, how many people describe the place they live as a "village"? Because that is pretty cool.

The idea of living in a village is about on par to me as having an iron you have to heat up in the fireplace. Also several loved ones lost in childbirth.

Does this include Greenwich Village?

Anyone who can get away with it. It implies that you are rich. Farmers live *near* villages.

That's just what it's called. "<Name> Village" (sorry if you think I'm being paranoid but I've already told you what county I live in and, well, it really is a very small place). It's in no way big enough to be a town. But it has a church, and I think that's what technically defines it.

Also, I've never been to Oxford but it probably won't be major for chavs. However, I can't speak in complete certainty. But high-class university town implies that there will be very few, to me.

Sure, lots of places are called "village." Doesn't mean that they are, though. Cheltenham, for instance, contains at least two "villages" and has at least one satellite that people call a village, but isn't.

In any case, I wouldn't do well stalking you in a village in any county. I imagine turning up at the pub/post office and asking "The Biggs girl - redhair, name that can be abbreviated to 'Hecci' - d'you know her?" to receive the reply "Ah yes, just one moment..." *calls police*.

As to chavs in Oxford, I rather suspect that they have an average complement. It's more likely that students and university affiliates have displaced normal people.

I spent a summer there and I never noticed any chavs.

It was... oh, three years ago. About.

Chav is a pretty new term to me. In Scotland we call them neds or bams/ bampots, but those words more specifically describe people from housing schemes ('schemies') who have a certain type of anti-social attitude. This is what a ned is like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk0sS4IFGXA

Chav comes from the Geordie word Charv. Charvs, or charvas can best be explianed by typing the words "the magical bike ride" into youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bd04IpshxUw

I dont know whether this video makes me proud of, or disgusted by the North East.

What the hell is a Geordie? Do you mean the guy from Reading Rainbow?

term for someone from the north east of England, more specifically the newcastle area, see wikipedia or "the Bigg market" in newcastle on a friday night for more information.

Ugh... Just thinking about the Bigg Market makes me want to take to the streets with a machete and hack to pieces the first woman in a mini-skirt with badly bleached hair I see.

Naw, I'm pretty sure that "village" means you live in a place where people languidly play flutes and lutes and other -utes instruments all the time, someties wearing overalls and sitting around on rolling green hills under oak trees drinking cider and ale and smoking pipes and stuff.

There are also mules.

I insist this is what you do all day. There are laws about these things, understand? Words mean shit, or at least are supposed to.

I'm relatively sure that you're thinking of The Shire in Middle Earth.

Well, DUH!! The Shire and the England of American Imagination are the same place.

England of the American Imagination and England aren't the same?

Hogwash.

You mean Hogwarts

Everyone knows that all children in the UK are tested for magic blood as part of their physical for primary school.

I was so let down by England, absolutely no one talked like Bertie Wooster or comically fell down stairs, and there were no charmingly rustic earthy folk with dirty knees who knew simple lives of morality

Is it too much for a man to ask that other nations conform to vague fictional conceptions in every detail for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Is it? I'd prefer to think not.

They don't even comically fall down stairs?!

I cannot believe you.

You have never been to England

This is a [u]local[/l] shop, for local people!

We don't want any trouble here!

This is, uh, kinda similar to where I live. You want Gloucestershire and Somerset (pronounced zumm-err-zett) for the proper countryside. I mean, no lutes and flutes, but we have real ale festivals that turn into loads of people sitting out in the fields, drinking and smoking.

And we even have a mule.

I have a beer glass with a handle from the 1972 Cotswolds Beer Festival. This is true.

Why all the privacy on assetbar? Surely you have a myspace that is freely viewable and lists your geographic location?

There are several villages in LA County. I walk to one several times a week to buy cigarettes. Of course here it's just an advertising gimmick. On the other hand I suspect it was always an advertising gimmick.

Oxford's low on the chavs, though they can be found everywhere. In my experience the Oxford ones try too hard. Look out for 14 year olds trying to look threatening in tracksuit bottoms. You doing the uni, Brookes or the Shakespeare Institute? All are institutions of awesome awesome people.

Last year some goth lass was kicked in the face until she died by a couple of charvs, just because she was a goth.

Note: I live in the North East, where they're called "charvs" or "charvas". They've been saying it like that since I moved here ten years ago so I'm gonna trust that they're the originators of the phrase. Also, there are more charvs in the North East than you can shake a fake Burberry cap at. I'd move back south if it weren't for the fact that everything apart from them is awesome.

Yeah, I was reading about that girl the other day. Someone posted about her on here, actually - she was an Achewood fan. In one of the pictures of her, she was wearing the Rabbit Ambulance t-shirt.

(There is a very real possibilty that you posted this information in the first place, I completely can't remember.)

I was going to post it when I stumpled across the picture of her in said shirt in a copy of the Metro, but then I got lazy and someone else did it for me.

could you tell me the strip where that was posted? i remember someone saying they were going to do it, but i never saw if they did. the only picture i can find of her is the skeleton looking one.

The accepted origin is the Romany word "charva". It's been in constant usage in the north for a long time in that form. In the south it has taken more forms, and been in and out of use, at least over the course of the last hundred years or so.

Iiiiiinput, iiiiiinput!

Seriously? This is a real problem? Louts wearing Burberry? You guys really need to start shooting each other like we do.

They do, in Brixton. Shooty shooty, stabby stabby. That's all teenagers know any more.

They use smoothbore muskets, too.

Gang violence in Brixton, England consists of two long lines of well-dressed men firing at one another from opposite sides of the street.

HA! This is genuinely hilarious. Have a virtual chubby.

one side all yelling to the other, "YOUR TURN NOW!"

I dare say, your witticism made me guffaw for nigh a fortnight! Well played, old bean.

With a ridiculous rock score playing over the top?

Oh shit, no, sorry, that was Gangs of New York.

Fake burberry. Of course, that means that there's no point wearing real burberry.

I'd hate to be a person who just for whatever reason really loved Burberry. Constantly hassled by chavs about what area of the Li'l Orient they got the awesome knock-offs. ELLO THEN THAT KNOCKY IS BRILLIANT AS MR BEAN THEN INNIT

What is "the Li'l Orient?"

Like Chinatown, but not so specific.

Where is it?

The Windmills of Your Mind. It doesn't exist, I just didn't know the UK equivalent to Chinatown, or any other place where you can get knock-off Coach for a song.

Yeah, I don't know what Coach is. Also, all of the knock-offs in Chinatown are sold by people whose ancestors come from South Asia.

i hate it when people on the internet say that they don't know what something is. are you trying to make yourself seem cool because you've never heard of a high-falootin' fancy brand?

i just typed coach into google and the first site that came up was the official site for "leading American marketer of fine accessories and gifts in leather, suede and signature fabric".

i know this isn't really a big deal, and i'm probably mis-interpreting the situation or whatever, but it's just sort of a pet peeve.

on the internet, you can't not know what something is - you can only not want to know what something is. which now that i think about it, is the most likely scenario, but for some reason that pisses me off just as much.

How would I know that that is the right thing?

Well, we were talking about expensive clothing brands like Burberry. Googling Coach and finding an expensive clothing brand would have made a lot of sense.

Actually we were talking about "L'il Orient."

http://www.nationalexpress.com/ That is the first thing that came up on my google. I presume that's not what he meant, as the National Express coach terminal isn't anywhere near the Chinatown in my city...

The Li'l Orient is located in the southfarthing of Little Britain, which exists on Arrested Development.

Little Britain is a street in the City. It is just off Smithfields' south side.

Wee Britain, actually.

What are you talking about?

Ooof, you got my number on that one and that's no mistake.

An aside concerning the chav penchant for wearing Burberry:

They have discontinued Burberry baseball caps due to them being associated with chavs, or some such nonsense.

Sweet! I'm a chav!

(cue More You Know .jpg)

Who's that in the avatar?

Oh shit! If you're talking about barrymorefm's avatar, it's Simon Amstell! Who I love more than anyone ever!

(Watch Never Mind the Buzzcocks.)

That reminds me that I need to book tickets to see him at the BIC!

The where? THE WHERE? Is he doing live performances? OhmyGod.

Saw him at the fringe last summer, being in the same room as him is quite a pleasant experience 9as well as damn amusing one)

Did he satirise you and your looks?

No sadly, it was a rather large gig and he had better things to do with his time.

Me too, and shall again. Hey man, see you up there! actually... your profile says you like Stewart Lee and Tony Law. I'm afraid we shall have to marry.

Honestly I don't get the Burberry thing. I mean, they make stuff that is both expensive and horrifically ugly. At what point did the Chavs think "I know, let's wear fake Burberry stuff, so we can look like we are both rich AND stupid."

Gormster, buying ugly things to show you are rich is a practice that's been around pretty much forever.

Best slam on the UK EVER.

THE MAN IS SO OLD SCHOOL HE DRIVES A YELLOW BUS WITH GOTHIC ARCH WINDOWS!

"Gothic Arch Windows" is also the operating system he uses.

The "Critical Stop" ding is the toll of the main bell at Notre Dame.

[IMGS OFF]

I'm sorry that you posted this so late in the game, and thus will not receive the chubbies you deserve. V-chub from me, dogg.

Actually this one isn't too bad. Some people here even actually talk like that.

ASHERDAN APPRECIATION WEEK!

I think this one sums it all up.

So, when is Retardo Appreciation Week?

As President of Retardo's fan club I'm still compiling a list of the best possible Retardo links.

Make sure you don't forget the one where he calls Onstad gay.

Now THAT is the limit. [If I could, I'd chubby you.]

I love that one!

"Then of course you have the people who just jump on the wagon not knowing the wagon's departure point or destination and lame him for the sake of laming. I imagine these are the sort of people who trample a fallen man in a crowd or blindly grope a woman who is crowdsurfing."

That's kind of how I saw it. I both lamed and chubbied Asherdan comments based on individual content, not based on who posted them.

On a related note, I fear the coming of manflesherdan. What cruel fate will he bring upon us? Is he a savior or destroyer?

Manflasherdan: the Assetbar Semichrist.

I want to chubby you so hard for the word "Semichrist." I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I'll think of something. Maybe an ASCII drawing of a penis or something.

I want to chubby you so hard just for being you.

Aaaaan four months later this post just seems incredibly creepy. Way to go, me.

More classic Asherdan

We love you, buddy. Now get fucked.

It was a quiet afternoon in the Bank of Assetbar. Tekende deposited 38 chubbies, earnings from the morning's tradings on the Assetbar Stock Exchange, while Drskradley took out a loan on 20 virtual chubbies ("20 v-chubs and to the letter," he told the bank teller) to buy shares in Retardo posts, which were going very cheap. The bank manager, Zefiel, combed his long Salvador Dali mustache as he sang "Lo lo lo lo lo."

Suddenly the door to the bank burst open, and Asherdan walked in. Zefiel sat up straight in his chair, and gave the security guard a firm glance; the guard knew to keep an eye on this man. Asherdan strode up to the teller window, opened a metal briefcase, and slammed it down in front of the teller. "I'm closing my accounts. Name's Asherdan," he grunted.

Zefiel stood up from his desk and approached Asherdan. "May I help you with something, Mister Asherdan?" Zefiel asked cautiously.

"Closing my accounts," said Asherdan again. "All my accounts."

The bank teller finished loading the chubbies--all 1891 of them--into Asherdan's briefcase. He slammed the lid of the briefcase shut. "But Mister Asherdan," exclaimed the bank teller, "you have a balance of 2994 lames remaining, to be settled with the Bank of Assetbar!"

Asherdan muscled his way past Zefiel and out the door of the Bank of Assetbar, grunting "I'll settle it by closing time today" to the teller.

Zefiel pursued Asherdan as he crossed the busy street outside of the bank. "Asherdan, you have to settle your debts with the Bank of Assetbar! Don't make me call the police!"

"Watch how it's done," Asherdan advised Zefiel, pushing through the revolving door and into the Assetbar Stock Exchange.

Zefiel waited a minute for the revolving door to stop moving, and then he pushed through. As he walked on to the floor of the stock exchange, Zefiel couldn't spot Asherdan in the mass of men and women on the exchange floor, barking orders at their brokers and agents on their cellphones, and assigning chubbies and lames on their laptops; but within a few moments, Zefiel could see that something was wrong.

The giant LCD screen towering over the floor of the Assetbar Stock Exchange always showed the comments from the most recent strip, as well as the chubby and lame count for each post. Zefiel watched as a post by Falseprophet, awarding a virtual chubby, received one lame, then two, and finally the post disappeared from the stock exchange LCD, as posts with at least 3 lames are hidden by default. Then, another by Rogergs, and one by Blastradius; soon every post on the LCD screen awarding a virtual chubby had gone dead. Secondary screens all around the stock exchange floor confirmed Zefiel's suspicions: posts promising virtual chubbies were going dead all across the board, on every strip.

The floor sank into a total panic. Men and women screamed into their cellphones and at each other. In the chaos, Zefiel bumped into Cpnglxynchos. "Who did this!" shouted Cpnglxynchos at Zefiel. "It would have taken 1800 chubbies in secret chubby-for-lame bonds to lame away every V-Chub post on Assetbar!" he wailed.

"1800 chubbies, did you say?" Zefiel asked, horror spreading across his face as he realized the truth. "I think I know who did this."

"I'll kill him!" screamed Cpnglxynchos. "He destroyed the entire V-Chub economy! Who is he?!"

But before Zefiel could get another word out, a crazed man threw a punch, connecting with the side of Cpnglxynchos' head. It was Spectre, a desperate man whose entire fortune had been invested in virtual chubbies, and who had just lost everything. Security guards converged around Spectre, grabbing him and muscling him off of the floor of the stock exchange.

With the V-Chub economy broken, the next dominoes to fall were the chubby-for-chubby bonds. As traders who had invested in chubby-for-chubby bonds realized that their bond partners no longer had enough chubbies to honor their chubby-for-chubby bonds, they withdrew from the bonds, laming their former bond partners in the process. The furor and panic on the exchange floor reached a deafening height as post after post received 3 lames and disappeared from the main LCD board over the exchange floor. The security guards were overwhelmed in the chaos, and police rushed into the fray to break up the beginnings of a riot.

Zefiel stood on the edge of the exchange floor, watching it all go down. Suddenly an uneasy, heavy silence settled in over the exchange floor: the main LCD board, showing all posts made on the current strip, was blank. Every secondary board around the exchange floor, showing posts made on strips in the last two weeks, had also gone blank. All posts had been lamed into oblivion. The entire economy had collapsed. Assetbar was gone. It was over.

Then Zefiel spotted him: one man, leaving the exchange floor, carrying a metal briefcase. Zefiel chased after him, and caught up to him in the street. "Asherdan!"

Asherdan turned around, a faint smile on his face. Zefiel saw that his own bank, the Bank of Assetbar, was now closed; the lights were out and a sign was posted on the front door reading "Closed due to insolvency." Zefiel knew then that Asherdan had won, he had finally won; and Zefiel had nothing more to say.

I chubbied that so hard that the number of chubbies rose from 1 to 3.

I would give you a virtual chubby, but they are worthless now. I give you a real chubby instead.

Now, don't spend it all in one place. Those things are worth their weight in gold.

YES

HELL OF YES

I would've appreciated some spinynorman in there, but this is still completely awesome.

This is probably the most entertaining post I've ever read on Assetbar.

Manflesh: YOU. ARE. RAD.

Wow.

Wow.

Oh man. This is amazing.

I'm outrageously jealous of you, and all the others who got cameo roles.

mahaha. that was grand but what i want to know is why i had to get punched.

my place in terrific AssetBar fan fiction for not getting punched!

It's like Ferris Bueller, cpnglxynchos. You are complaining about having a piece of shit car, but heccibiggs has to envy your piece of shit because she has no car.

But watch out, heccibiggs. I got mentioned once, and then I had to puzzle out whether it was good or bad to be that guy in that movie. And how the fuck did they know I looked like that actor, anyway?

Anyway, fuck chubbies, man. The new currency in this place is how many times your name gets dropped in fan-fiction. The sleazier the fan-fiction, the better, which means you want to be mentioned by Dr. Manflesh. The good thing about Dr. Manflesh is that you can't suck up to him. Friend, enemy, it doesn't matter. Man walks his own line.

true dat, truuuue dat.

but does it ever illicit wonder why i was chosen instead of elders like spinynorman or falseprophet.

man, nobody else is making mention of their part so whatever. i am in and you are not. i completely agree with tekende's 'NEENER' comment below and pour much of it on others.

Personally, I think the most interesting thing is the fact that he is not clear on whether he is criticising or lauding the V-Chub Economy. True art should point out social occurances, and then make you question them.

The man is neither pro or con. He just is.

and thus his enigma is restored.

One of these days someone needs to take it upon themselves to write up an index of Assetbar posters compiled by renown and seniority. I hadn't realized quite what an elder Spinynorman was until you mentioned him as being so just now.

I'm curious where I stand; I feel I'm still pretty new - I remember I joined up during a Poster Boom this past December - and sure I fall in one of the lower tiers.

Actually, I consider you a higher-up, Baryonyx.

It's funny because the guy who isn't getting any is bitter about it.

Usually a man getting fellatio doesn't complain about it. Not if he has even a shred of sanity left in him.

Unless it is really, really terrible fellatio, with the scraping teeth all giving you a nasty case of scalpelcock and whatnot.

Scalpelcock? That's a new one. It's... interesting. In a frightening sort of way.

Spinynorman hasn't been commenting for that long but he has racked up an ungodly amount of chubbies in that time. Most likely because his comments always add something to the conversation and don't seem to exist solely to be chubby-magnets. He has a good mix of humor and lack of pretension. He also cleans up nice and looks fabulous in a backless evening gown.

I would say that 75% of my comments are "chubby-magnets" (comments made simply because I think they will be Chubbied).

These are hollow posts, but I think they largely improve the demeanor of those that read them; otherwise, I wouldn't bother to post them.

My posts are usually whatever randomly pops into my head while reading others' posts. Some are well recieved, others not so much, but they are pretty much all impulsive.

I have nothing to say but NEENER NEENER NEENER

Aww, man heccibiggs, I'm right there with you. Dammit!

I suppose I am as well.

Oh, well, fame never looked good on me anyway. I don't have the chin for it.

Spiny, you have the chin of Steven Fry in his youth.

Perhaps the gentle emery board of time will assist your chin, as it has for Steven, in effecting a propensity for fame.

...he also possesses the rest of Stephen Fry's youthful face. and hair... it's a picture of Stephen Fry basically.

Given the discussion of avatars personifying the person wearing them, does this therefore mean that I do have the chin for fame?

How is it that Hugh Laurie ages so well and Stephen Fry looks like hell. Is it Hollywood?

It's because Stephen Fry is a decadent, Claudius-like motherfucker.

I'm also pretty sure that Stephen Fry lives a little harder than Laurie (eating and drinking) while Hugh Laurie has kids and exercises frequently.

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