Beef's Stationery Issues

Beef's Stationery Issues 04/24/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Look how much Beef's arm muscles pop out as he hates the greeting card industry and rethinks it

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I am in Oklahoma too, and I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

There is a child in one of my classes named Dijonnaise. When one condiment in your child's name won't do...

Some people we know named their kid Danarea. It's pronounced something like(den area), but we always pronopunced it more like ghonerea. Those same people named their other kids Starria, which isn't as bad but still stupid.

These are my sons, Snafu and Fubar.

Get more reliable method of birth control, dude.

`Got a couple here, coming from northeastern Oklahoma:

Went to junior high school with Flint Sparks.

My step kids went to a low-income elementary school. They were putting together a yearbook. The woman was ridiculing the name of one of the little girls:

"Shomorrow? Shomorrow? Why didn't they just name her Tomorrow?"
The funniest part? [i[Her[/i] daughter was named Shamerica.

Best one I've heard yet: twin sisters. Sharon and... Notsharon.

Yes it is real. This is Australia.

Wait, now that one is just utilitarian. That's fine.

I have the feeling Notsharon developed a wicked inferiority complex.

Where I go to medical school (somewhere on the atlantic coast), the pediatric residents keep a running list of actual names of patients that come through the hospital. It probably violates some sort of HIPAA rule to even keep the list, but there are some hilarious-ass names on there, all of them real patients. There is a pair of identical twins named Kenya and Kanye, Eileen Down, Queef, and my personal favorite, Steele Darke Cannon. All of these are real patients. I'll have to take another look at the list next time I'm in the residents workroom.

Yeah, there's HIPAA violations all over the place there, but sometimes you just gotta make sacrifices in the name of comedy.

Steele Darke Cannon? Two things. Why not go for the whole kit and kaboodle and go with cannone? and I bet these two met in a basement.

A friend of mine used to have a couple of cats named Stripe and No-stripe. But at least they were cats, not human children who have to go to elementary school.

And also go to everywhere else for the rest of their lives. She'll still be called Notsharon in High School, and in college, and when she gets a job. It will still be Notsharon on her gravestone.

These names to be sound like Newspeak. Like "good, ungood". I mean, Notsharon doesn't even sound like a name!! It just sounds like "Not Sharon"!

(Also this is like the funniest thing I've ever heard.)

The only funny thing I ever read in Garfield (paraphrasing): What were the cats' names? Cat, cat and cat. Why? What's the use of naming something that doesn't come when you call it?"

LASAGNA!!!!!!!!

St. Louis MO USA - children born to an unimaginative woman who named them after the food she was served in the hospital: Oranjello and Limonjello.

No shit.

A dark skinned fellow I know claims that his mother is a friend of this woman who named her children such.

Whoa, man, I've heard about them. They go to the library where some of my friends work! Holy shit!

I heard of a Vietnamese expat who, to either remind her kids where they came from or because she was hella proud, named her children "Viet" and "Nam".

I doubt it's a cultural thing, going by the amount of Vietnamese-stock people I know without such names. Lots of "Thanh Nguyen's" though. I mean, get some originality.

Actually I knew a guy named Nam once, and he was from Vietnam. I thought it was a gratuitously eponymous name given him by his adoptive family (who were French,) until I learned that it's apparently a very common name in Vietnam. I can't recall but it may have some meaning unrelated to the name of the place, or the name of the place simply is expounding on the meaning, or some such.. I forget.. you know.. I can't keep any of that stuff straight, what with it being all ching chong wing wong and such.

In elementary school, a vietnamese friend of mine's name was simply Vietnam.

An American born Malaysian friend of mine has parents who couldn't spell "Ophelia" so her birth certificate says "Orfelia."

Isn't Orfelia a name in spanish?

Ofelia is the Hispanic spelling of Ophelia, but I'm not sure about Orfelia. That reads like a whole different pronunciation to me.

I clearly remember my high school latin textbook having twins named Loquax and Antiloquax.

Ohhhh shit

I also remember Magistra saying that this was pretty common practice when twins were born.

I was at the mall and a guy was calling to one of his twin sons. "Hunter! Hunter!" I have a few guesses what the other twin was called but i can't confirm them.

DeeDee?

Gatherer, Prey...

i actually heard about that from a friend, i was shocked to hear someone speaking about it on the wide world of web. But yes, does say something about Australian culture

Wait a minute, guys, I don't want to get into some sort of "funny names" contest, ok? We should just drop this now.

Too late.

Had a job once typing up people's old sick leave reports, and found the name "Tiara Slaughter". that must have been some terrible prom.

I went to high school with a girl named Rose Slaughter. We told her she should be a doctor.

I have no clue where in the list this post will pop up, but it is relevant to the discussion:

Ford is my real first name, and my three little sisters are named, in order, Neva, Raven and Morgrianna.

Aweosome names. The whole lot.

Don't make me get out the 'worst-named-person-you-actually-met' contest trophies.

I'll just list the first two and save the worst (best?) for the heavy artillery, since I know someone will think they have the winner.

Abracadabra and her older sister Sachet Potpourri.

Just for the sake of hearing your trump names, I will tell you the worst I have heard. I met a girl who changed her name to Janet because her parents apparently didn't know what a Clitoris is but thought it sounded beautiful.

LOVE THEM

MOIST

My neighbor's kid is named Anakin.

Seriously, need I say more?

I knew three siblings (two girls and one boy) who were named Fantasy, Mystery, and Jeremiah.

I tutored a kid whose baby sister's name was

Abcde. Pronounced Ab-suh-duh).

Yeah, I'm serious.

Hai Ho. Vietnamese kid. As if that wasn't bad enough, somehow somebody found out his mom's name...Mai.

Mai Ho and Hai Ho.

Went to high school with a burly Cantonese football player, went by the name of Tou Ger Li.

this, is a jewel

Don't be all talkin' smack about Mai Ho

Is your name supposed to insinuate that you've got the title Johnny the Homicidally Maniacal Guitarist?

Because that would be awesome.

My college roomate freshman year's legal full name:

Gaik George Geuk Leong Lee, Jr.

Not joking. He was Malaysian!

Mai Bong, and Ying Ling (as in the beer Yueingling)

One of my profs last semester was named Anita Ho. That's a big part of the reason I took the course.

Why, did you believe you could be that ho?

Too bad Hai Ho's not a girl. She can marry my friend whose last name is D'Addario. *hopes someone here is old enough to remember that rhyme*

No. All it calls to my mind is a brand of guitar strings.

I remember, though I wish I didn't. Damn you for making my brain hurt.

You would think it was a foreign name or at the very least a west coast trend, but let me guess, the parents live in the upper midwest and really like Sesame Street.

Hey! My sister knows a girl with the name Abcde but her name is pronounced AB-si-day.

heh I know a princess, whose name alone might not be the funniest one on here, but the fact that shes a hardcore feminist lesbian of the highest degree makes it sort of ironic. But we all still love her despite her parents obvious poor choices. I also know a Goldberry Long named after Tom Bombadil's wife in Lord of the Rings

My mother new three daughters named, in succession:
Faith, Hope, and Sharon.

Later, thinking about it in highschool, she was glad the family adopted a dog named Charity before they brought Sharon home from the hospital...

I grew up in the same neighborhood as a mormon family with the last name Rehder (sounds like Raider). Oldest son's name? you got it... Darth. REAL NAME. Yes, he was a dick.

When I was in junior high my mom and I had this joke where every time one of her friends had a baby, we'd suggest they name it either Elmo for a boy, or Jadzia for a girl.
And then one day. I met a little girl. Named Jadzia. And then it wasn't very funny anymore.

I may be showing some ds9 related dorkiness, but I think Jadzia is a pretty name.

absolutely it is! (given enough parallel universes.)

I think it would be a fine name. Different without being ridiculous, plus, you know, Deep Space Nine was really an amazing series.

Wow.

You'd think I'd just said that Aaljhdfocthulhuadisawejbdv was a normal name or something.

Chill the fuck out, dude.

There's no 'z' in that, so its ok

that's a straw man argument! using a straw man argument on me! Not cool!

"Fluffy" is not onomatopoeia.

damn... look who's bein a dick about terms!

You kow, alreadyinuse, verbosity does not equate intelligence. edit yourself.

I agree with your point, but telling him to edit himself comes across flat when you make a spelling mistake in your two sentence post.

touche. asshat.

But... my name has a "z" in it. </SUICIDE>

To be fair, the "z" in my name was added when I was 17, since I was sick and tired of being "the short Crystal" or "the white Crystal." Fucking Minnesota.

They make this shit call xanex, and I think you should really try some.

I was just trying to figure out where I'd heard "Jadzia" before. Having a Trekkie of sorts for a boyfriend, I am chagrined.

I pondered naming my second daughter Jadzia Onna Hopkins. Not only does it sound nice (though Onna is a bit utilitarian, being Japanese for "woman") but it has a built-in nickname of "Joh" or "Jo".

You must not be around any Polish people among whom Jadzia would be a fine name (means female warrior) or Star Trek fans, as there was a Jadzia Dax on Deep Space Nine.

I think it's more likely to be name derived from the word for venom.

That said, a surprising number of sites link it to war.

At least it wasn't Tusken.

Dude, it would be awesome to have the name Darth, no matter what your last name was.

No dude it wouldn't. That would make my name Darth Lorenzo, and my parents would have died by my own hand.

Support euthanasia for the children of Star Wars fans.

I just found out last night that an old friend of mine named her newborn...Salem Ezra.
I've been debating all day whether or not I still wish to be friends with her.

I'll settle this debate for you. No. You do not. You do not want to be friends with a person like this.

Deep Space Nine also featured a character named Ezra Dax.

I can beat that. I knew a kid named Jake Lloyd. How embarrassing!

I know some NASCAR fans who named their kids "AC" and "Delco" - the ironic part is that the both work at a gas station...

My cousin and her husband named their daughter Dannica (sp?) after the race car driver.

There is a family who named their kids Rodney, Rodteisha, Rodneisha, and Rodkeisha. And they all go to my school.

Yeah, those parents would have died by my hand had they been the one's responsible for naming me. Come to think of it, I think it's time for some research about patricide committed by children with shitty names.

I may have to give up my trophy -or at least split it with you - because that's about as good as what I got, for much the same reasons. A coworker's parents also thought this sounded pretty:

Clymidia. That was how they spelled it, but still.

She went by 'Cly' for short even though most of us urged her silently to choose 'The Clap' as a nickname.

Noice, different, unusual.

Gormster... loook at mooooooiiii!

You guys aren't helping our stereotype, I hope you know.

This reminds me of something slightly related.

In a study with non-English speakers, diarrhea was voted one of the prettiest English words.

lmfao.

as far as worst names ever, I think Princess is probably one of the worst. Especially since she's a masculine, dyke-y black girl. There is also a guy at my local grocery store by the name of Zenon.

I was in a swim meet once with twin girls named Princess and Precious. No lie.

Those are bad dog names, let alone people names.

In sixth grade my teacher told us a story about a friend of hers. I'm not sure where this friend was from - I believe it was eastern Asia - but she named her daughter after the prettiest English word she knew...

Diarrhea.

That is a historical name and also the name of a French-Canadian fellow I know (Zenon, not Princess). What is wrong with that?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zenon_(disambiguation)

I know someone who knew a clymidia.

Its sad we live in a world where at least two sets of parents choose that name

I think "7" is a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl... or a boy!

You might like this song then:
http://www.last.fm/music/The Long Winters/_/Seven

FUCK YOU ASSETBAR. There's supposed to be plus signs in there, like this: The(plus)Long(plus)Winters(plus).

and in my frustration, I implied an unnecessary plus following Winters. I am a moron, and should be ridiculed accordingly.

Three lashes with a wet noodle.

I ridicule you accordingly

I drink your milkshake inappropriately

You know what's a nice name? Soda!

Vchub for Seinfeld reference.

I knew a girl in Elementary school whose name was "Six." Her five older siblings had normal names. She ended up having a younger brother named Jacob. I ... don't know what her parents were thinking.

Salmonella was one I was unfortunately privy to know

I had a crush on a Crystal Ball when I was living in Virginia.

I banged a babe named Beverly Hills.

How interesting, I was once babysat by a Holly Wood

My coworker is named Crystal Bell!

I just received a call at my place of employment from a one "Crystal Colon" yikes!

yeah, two people who had sex didn't know what a clitoris was, but somehow knew the word when they named their child. That's pretty amazing.

nobody ever said it was good sex

This is so subtlely stupid that it has always made me laugh more than those "out there" names.

My roommate had a white-trashy family in her hometown that really wanted a boy for their first child, and they were dead set on naming him Keith. Their first child was a girl, but they were undaunted, and decided to name the girl...Keithette.

Their second child was a boy, however, and, single-mindedly, they still named him Keith. So they had Keith and Keithette.

My roommate was instructed by her parents to always avoid their house on her walk home from school.

I worked with a guy once named Terrence. He had two brothers: Clarence and . . . Ference. Yeah.

I went to college with a Morgan Morgan Morgan. She was a total slut

I heard that in a Jan Brady's voice.

Dude! I actually knew a Rachel Rachel Rachel. Her parents were professional clowns.

I knew a kid named Sebastian Terror. Not white trash, just unfortunately named.
Know a kid named 'Atrayu'.

I once went out with a girl named Seabastian Toast. That is how she spelt it. She was rad.

Man, if you think about it, Toast is just an all around cool last name.

In one of my many Guinness Book of World Records (I have a lot), I noticed that all the records for archery by that year were held by South Koreans. Except one - an Aussie, bestowed with the name Jackson Fear.

Not so much unfortunate as it is fucking awesome.

Also noticed in the local Yellow Pages that there is a Dr. MD Blood (Dental Surgeon).

I would think that if your last name is "Blood", dental surgery possibly ain't the profession for you.

Doctor Blood will see you now, little malformed child

[IMGS OFF]
this is him, dude
sorry

He's also currently on bail for internet fraud
sorry
again

I knew a kid named Dante Furioso.

Actually that is a fucking awesome name.

YES!

My friend's dad is- I think- called Fat Lip. I think I saw this written on some mail that was lying around, but I have always been too embarrassed to ask. I mean, what if I was wrong!? I would look like such a dick!

I went to high school with an Adam Adams.
There is also a kid in one of my lectures with the name Dong Wang.

I know a guy named Chris Won, but his traditional Chinese name is Dong, making his name Dong Won. My friends and I are trying to figure out if it's some sort of pun on Don Juan or not.

There is apparently a guy who goes to my school whose name is Long Wang; he's quite the wrestler, so I hear.

We had a substitute teacher by the name of Richard Petit (pronounced "petite").

Once we found out his first name, he lost all control and respect from the class.

There's a realtor around where I live named John John.

Don't forget Major Major Major Major!

I knew a Maj Major at one point, I recall. Also a Cpl. Sergent who is bound to be a Sergent by now.

Or Snowden! Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?

Where was the stooped and mealy-coloured old man I used to call Poppa when the merry-go-round broke down?

Who is Spain? Why is Hitler? When is right? Balls!

Theres a little cafe by my school run by an Asian couple whose kids' names are Thaddeus, Cornelius and Aurelius.

My wife and I were at a lame dinner party at a friend's house a few months ago, and this obnoxious French guy was hitting on her from across the table. She finally asks his name.
It's Flavius.Turns out he has 2 brothers, named Josephus and Octavius. And the Sister? Blanche.

my friend Karina has three sisters named, from youngest to oldest, Selena, Serina and Catrina.

I once knew a set of brothers named Barry, Terry, Larry, and Jerry. And those were their actual, birth certificate names.

Went to school with a Justin Sane. Really the parents knew their last name was Sane and decided to name their kid Justin.

Also knew a Dai Nguyen (pronounced Die When). "Die when? Who knows?"

Justin Sane is the singer from Anti-Flag. Though I don't think that's his real name, so it's probably a different person.

There was a college kid over here named Ashfoch...

Vote Fonda Dicks

Can't do...I'm quite fond of Spaceman Africa.

I'm going to have to go with Fonda, since Spaceman apparently named himself.

Is Spaceman pronounced "Spah-CHEH-muhn," by any chance?

DR. SPACEMAN! DR. SPACEMAN!

I always wanted you to go into space. Man.

I hear that space is a pretty...freaky place.

Hey gang, it's almost hidden in the "Vote Fonda Dicks" post, but the site "Name of the Year" is one of the funniest things since Achewood. So here's the URL again: http://nameoftheyear.blogspot.com/

Just to be clear, I wasn't actually lobbying for Fonda so much as I was lobbying for the tremendousness of this site.

"Abracadabra and her older sister Sachet Potpourri"

That is the funniest shit I have ever heard in my entire life.

My sister once had a roommate named Suctese Pumjesticles. The "u" in Pumjesticles is pronounced "oo."

Pumjesticles! What news from the north?

AH! Man, that got me right in me pumjesticles...

I quite want to write a rambling 800 page epic just to include that line.

You sir have made my day! a thousand chubbies and the blessings of allah upon you!

I am proud to have contributed to the origin of this meme.

This joke will never get old.

Like Rick Rolling and and LOLcats?

Not like those at all, no.

Those are the opposite of what is good.

Lolcats are the reason I get up in the morning, I'll have you know.

I mean, do you think I'm going to roll out of bed for homo sapiens? Fuck no! But fuzzy kitties? Yeah just barely.

Turtle Poole. Brass fallopianed, spikey haired dyke.

[20,000 Pyramid] Uhm... Three things you'd find in a lobby of a gender reassignment clinic?? (NO)

...uhm...uh, Three things you'd find in a Bravo remake of "Orange County Choppers"??

The brothers Skye, Stormy, and Cloudy.

Well, hell. I'll chime in here. While working at my dad's vacuum shop in Tennessee, there was this like, 90 year old woman who came in for a repair. As I was filling out the ticket, I asked her last name. "Willy"

First name, "Ima", I ask her to repeat it "Willy, Ima." I said err, first name again? At this point she gets made.

Imagine a 90 year old woman shaking her fist at you, "Ima! My name is Ima"

"Ima willy! IMA WILLY!"

I had to go get my dad to finish the sale...

MAD!!!! GETS MAD, GOD DAMNIT, GETS MAD!!! HAVING A STUPID NAME ALLUDING TO YOUR EXISTING AS A PENIS DOES NOT GET YOU INTO LA COSA NOSTRA!!!!

doesn't it? Thats how my grandma got made

I was working at a bookstore about 6 years ago when a custome was handed me a check for payement. As I asked for a driver's license, I looked at the name on the check (first name changed to protect the innocent, barely, and b/c it doesn't fit into the joke):

Maria B. Cocks

I had a bit of a giggle, mentally, and then looked up to see her driver's license, which showed her full middle name. Now, she must've been the type to take her maiden name as her middle named when she got married; but really, she shouldn't have. Her full name:

Maria Buffaloe Cocks.

I struggled. But then again, who wouldn't, with a buffalo cock?

The secretary at my cousin's school was Ita Dick.

Isn't living in Tennessee great? When I was a lad, I knew an old married couple named Ibby and W.R. ... Cook, was it? I think they're both dead now, as they were 80 or so when I was in elementary school.

Anyways, W.R.'s name doesn't stand for anything. He was named after a friend of the family. His first name is literally just the two letters "W R". Caused him no end of hell on filling out forms, getting a driver's license, et cetera. They wouldn't give it to him without him telling them what the letters stood for.

Go to Snopes and look up "Ronly Bonly," that's apparently a pretty common occurance.

My belated contribution:
I know a guy who was named Vance Grunts, so he changed his name. To Ricardo Defusco.

Another belated contribution: my grandparents have a friend named Dick Nutter. They used to make fun of him a lot in high school.

Some family who lives near my grandma (in SE Ohio) named their baby ESPN. All caps. Pronounced "Espin."

My tenth grade history teacher's first name was KJ. You just pronounced the letters, "kay jay."

Didn't stand for a damn thing. Just like her principles.

Note: She was actually a very strong-willed woman.

My father almost named me Larry Bird Glessner. Instead I inherited his and his father's name...now, I'm changing it to Juan Claudius Eddington.
Fucking names.

I know a girl named David. Her brother's name is David. I think she may have another brother also named David, but I'm not sure. They're probably named after their father, David.

Maybe the David father watched too much Nickelodeon about red-headed brothers around the time these children were born.

George Foreman did that to all his kids. Even his daughter, George.

Wow, I just talked to her the other day and found out she does have another brother, but his name is Michael. So it's David, David, David, and Michael. I guess he was not the favorite.

Or was.

Oh so it's pronounced like "venereal"

[IMGS OFF]

Tired of the mustard/mayonnaise grind?

Let's get the hell outta here.

Jay Johnston mustardayonnaise oh my hell YES

If I wish that John-Elvis Johnelvisson were a real person, am I logically also wishing that he would be murdered by Horus/Alcide Nikopol?

MUSTMAYOSTARDAYONNAISE PLZ

Oh My GOd a CRYING eagle holy shit look people!

Ain't the first time this icon appeared, joestork, where you been?

For the last time: it's an avataricon.

That's so yesterday.

See you guys at Avataricon '08!

I'll be at the Emoticon booth.

See you guys at Emoticon '08!

Mom! You used separate jars of mayonnaise and mustard!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OuPEubf-UY

In my dad's high school yearbook he is pictured next to a girl name Aeta Roach. I'll try to get a photo of this soon.

Still stuck in the two jar grind?

A couple who live near my grandmother (in SE Ohio) named their baby ESPN. All caps. Pronounced "Espin."

Whoa, d�ja vu.

Nope, nope, nope. Had an English teacher in high school. Last name: Bloh. Guess what he named his daughter? "Anita"
(true story, swear on a stack of "Great Outdoor Fight" graphic novels...)

My RE teacher was Mrs Tickle. First name was Theresa, but her friends called her Tess.

That is awful. However, calling he Ms. Tickle would be kind of cool.

I knew a family with Lemonade and Orangeade- except you were supposed to say "Leh-mon-ah-day" and "Oran-juh-nade"

Have you tried asking Lemonade if there is any news from the north?

Lemonade! What news from the north?

Well, the sun has just started to go down over the hills, the porch swing is creaking in the gentle summer breeze, and the smell of fresh-cut grass is on the air. And how are you and yours, Orangeade?

Up yours, Lemonade.

Now let's imagine where Orangeade lives! I vote for the bathroom at a White Castle!

I watched a news clip on youtube about this kid who was blind and had developed his own sort of echolocation by clicking his tongue. It was actually really interesting but I couldn't take it seriously after they interviewed his mom, who went by the name "Aquanetta."

That is exactly the same reaction I had to that video. I was like, This kid is a god among men...and his mom is named after hairspray...

Actually, I take back the word "exactly," and its italics. I could still take it seriously. The kid was still the coolest ever. His mom just had the worst name ever.

Hey, here's the clip if anyone wants it.

Damn you.

Refer here

Nice work. V chub.

lemonjello

someone read freakonomics

Or really liked that time when Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa hosted Talk Soup as Oranjello and Lemonjello.

I'm not sure which was which.

I was wondering when Zappa was going to be brought up.

If she were my daughter, I'd...

smother my daughter in chocolate syrup,
strap her on again...

I love that part of the song, which might speak volumes about me, wrongly of course, but whatever.

SHE'S A TEENAGE BABY AND SHE TURNS ME ON
I'D LIKE TA MAKE HER DO A NASTY ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN

:) Preserved Fish.

Someone read Good Omens.

I want to be really cool people.

That avatar ain't helpin'!

I thought Preserved Fish got his mention in Art of the Discworld.

Who would lame this? That is the saddest thing.

Remember that Roast Beef's first name is Cassandra...

What about the "Your Dad is your new Mom" category, Onstad? (And vice-versa).

There was a cute black girl in one of my classes in my final year of High School with the name Shi'Thead. I wanted to make love to her just for the excuse to scream shithead during sex.

I can vouch for this being a name people actually use for their poor children. I also knew a Shi'Thead. I'm not sure if it was spelled that way, but it definitely was her name.

And then Shithead was in an elevator with his dog and a scared white lady, and he told his dog to sit, and ...

Sorry folks.

Mmmm, delicious comeuppance.

Thank you.

It's not too bad, but my surname is Cross, and I have a cousin on dad's side named Christopher...

Chris Goddamn Cross

Well, his parents made up for it by giving him the middle name Goddamn. That has to count for something.

ok you earned that chubby

Does he get caught between the moon and New York City?

If so, the best thing he can do is fall in love.

Seriously, names aren't thought out too well in our family. My sister was born on St Patrick's Day; she got named Kelly.

try Clitoris Rose... emphasis on the "tor".

Anybody seen Teletubbies?

When my son was born a female doctor came onto the ward to do some checks and told us about a couple who had a baby boy born with jaundice the week previous. This couple already had a little girl who was with them in the hospital. They couldn't think of a name for the boy until their daughter, noticing that the child had a yellow tint pointed at him and shouted 'it's Laa-Laa!'.

Yeah, you guessed it. They named the poor bastard Laa-Laa. Fuckers.

Yet if that boy someday kills his parents, he will face incarceration!

Beef shouldn't just be sorry about pretending to read the Drudge Report, he should be sorry about doing it.

Er, "pretending not to".

I actually waited a bit to make sure I wasn't first. Let's not start this again.

So the taboo has mutated beyond actually having to claiming first? Simply being the first poster now warrants shame and lame?

{outside}I am sorry that I read blogs

{inside}But you should know that I have one of my own

{sound chip}I blogged about your mother

outside
Baby Im sorry I bothered you that time you know how I get out of hand I didnt mean it
inside
Its just that I have flaws I wish I didnt but theyre the only things that are truly mine

One of those flaws is that I cant use apostrophes in words, baby, you know how I am about words.

I wish I could give 10 chubbies.

I could see Matt Drudge being equally as depressed as Beef. In fact, I would put money on it.

Beware the Matt Drudge hat of Total Despair

IT IS SILLY TO READ THE DRUDGE REPORT BEEF. STOP DOING IT.

The more I learn about Beef, the more sad I am at how much I resemble him.

I'm sorry I said that a cartoon cat understands me better than you ever will.

If Roast Beef were to publish cards, I'd buy them.

ARE YOU LISTENING ONSTAD???
THIS IS A GREAT MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY

HEY CHRIS!! MERCHANDISE!

Fuckin' A, man, he could even sell these things in national chain stores instead of only on his website.

Next stop, Achewood desk calendars. Voted most likely to be on the desk of anyone who is about to be fired for wasting time surfing the web instead of working.

Posters too, all with Beef looking contemplative and morose at a noose in his hands, standing under a tree, the caption all "Hang in there."

Nah, they should be ordered online, one-offs sent to you as a PDF, or in an envelope for more. Going into stores is hell of hard. You need to me in the retail Mafia.

Achewood (De?)Motivational Posters for work:

Web-Surfing: Because sometimes you just don't wanna do a thing

Pointless Email Exchanges: Attention Workers it has been 127 days since our last dumbest workplace sentence

Missed Deadlines: I'm the guy who sucks. Plus I got depression.

Team-building exercises: Here comes a special boy!

TEAM BUILDING EXERCISE NINTEY NIIIIIINE

And it never looked better on you

*ninety

Where were you when I needed you, FotC icon person?

i'm wearing business socks right now

Religion: is messed up
Babies: future dead people

Note: the pictures would be the sagrada fammillia and a greyscale photo of a baby.

i realise double posting makes me worse than some sort of tapeworm, ah well i'm a tapeworm who'se having a pretty good day.

Sign me up for a weekly shipment (of a seven pack).

I wanted to reply to you so our icons could interact.

Worth a chubby, can't you...See

My feelings about the delight the above exchange has given me are probably pro.

I just wish he'd make a card explaining what depression is like to my girlfriend. It would make life so much easier.

I am too lazy to link to them, but I am pretty sure there are 50 Roast Beef strips that perfectly describe what depression is like.

Try the "Depression" poster. On sale in the Achewood store near your browser.

Or this one.

Umm, is she depressed, or you? Because if she's not sympathetic to your condition, she's not a friend.

I second this whole-heartedly.

ROAST BEEF KAZENZAKIS: He gets things done.

Kazenzakis cards.

When you care enough to apologize for being hell of depressed.

Sorry to hear you have Pimp Skitters. Get hell of well soon.

Dammit! They should raise the Chubby limits for this page--y'all are hurting my face with the laughing and the humor and the hey mmhey...

*Vubby*

i need a brand new grandfather

Papa's got a brand-newww gramps!

DANANANANANANANANA!

Did you count out the nas? I know I am sure as hell not gonna.

I did... there were too many.

I am sorry that I did not count them out. I thought that, in the spirit of how the man originally probably just rocked out on his guitar at that point, I should just rock out on my keyboard.

I see your point.

I love that the "Sorry About Yesterday" card comes in a 7-pack. It's apparently most convenient to buy a week's apologies at a time.

I read that as "Sorry About Yesterday", with the (Seven Pack) being a chaste reminder of exactly what happened that warranted the apology. I don't know. I was drunk, or high or something.

That's exactly what I thought as well. How dumb. Beer doesn't come in 7 packs. Stupid today.

One time I bought the girl I loved a birthday card for her birthday and it was a really cool Gary Larson card and I mean it really was the best card in the whole store and then on my birthday (like six months later) she bought me the same card and I knew what it felt like to be loved but now I am all alone :(

Did you sign the card with pen or pencil? Because if it was pencil I think I know what happened

I really don't see how me signing in pencil lead to her getting fucked by the entire basketball team

OH

NOW I UNDERSTAND

FUCK

Yours was the first comment to eve make me laugh out loud . . . I'm sorry, it's sympathy, not laughter, people need when they're the front page sad news.

Chubby for being old/awesome enough to make that reference. You have become so instantaneously dear to me.

It's actually my favorite album by any Who member, exceeding even my deep love the work of The Who. I think it's because it came out at a time when I suddenly felt that adulthood had overtaken me -- FT job, finishing college part-time, politics, money troubles, etc.

"Not certain members of the team, Lane...

...the whole team!

I...I'm not sure I want to click on that link.

Not even if I offer you... two dollars?

<i>Hamscout... has pulled up to the traf-fic light... and is once a-gain at-temp-ting to gain vic-to-ry at this time.</i>

[IMGS OFF]

You always look like your avatar too!

Why "too"? Are you a stick man, trying desperately to escape the paper that imprisons him?

(technically, aren't we all)

It's just a little voice clip from some movie, I guess.

You know who that sucked for the most? Well, you. But second worse was guy #12 on the team. Actually I think the equipment guy was up after him.

Man I'm sorry to bring this back up you probably don't want to think about this anymore.

Who says they went in number order? In fact, who says they had to take turns at all?

Who says it was the boy's basketball team?

last night my friend told me about a guy he knew who walked in on his girlfriend getting nailed by robert horry. what can you even do? the guy is 6'10" and has won seven national championships. <i>seven.</i>
but the better question is: what is the appropriate card for the girl to buy at this unfortunate juncture?

Why haven't you added this to his Wikipedia entry yet?

Don't matter who the dude is or what stupid national championships he got, there's no excuse for cheating. You drop the girl, and sdisregard any card she sends.

It does too matter who the dude is. If you walked in on your lady and Brad Pitt you just say "good for you" go on your way.

However, if you walk in on your lady and Don Knotts...you cry. You cry to death.

Especially because Don Knotts is dead.

My point. I just tried to think of the funniest looking corpse I could. Plus I have Don on the mind. I comissioned my sister to make a painting of Don Knotts making out with Steve Buscemi. Because that is a painting one can be proud of.

Oh man
That is so fucking awesome

I want to see this painting when it is finished, I am not even kidding

I agree, a painting like this must be shared with the world

Is it finished yet?

That wouldn't stop some people

[IMGS OFF]

Good one! Greatest caricature artist ever, Al Hirschfeld.
http://www.alhirschfeld.com/

Sorry that I boned Robert Horry.

(Inside)
But he was BALLIN'!

But can a girl bone? Surely it would be 'Sorry that I was boned by Robert Horry'?

I had never heard of Robert Horry before just now because I am British, but I like that it rhymes.

Ne...she pegged him. This scenario is far superior.

Sorry that I pegged Robert Horry. Sorry for both you and him.

(Inside)
Would you rather I peg you?

or just the standbye: "sorry i housed robert horry's bone"

He is a very tall black man who kind of looks like Will Smith. His entire job at this point is to wait until the playoffs, then hit two or three jump shots late in games. Good gig if you can get it.

prosthetically speaking

I'm American, and I've never heard of him. I'm assuming here that Robert Horry is American.

Yep! He is from a place called Harford County, Maryland. I wikipediad him because I am a wikipedophile, and out of curiosity and sort of to check whether the lady in the story was right to allow herself to be boned by him (on the basis of looking at a photograph only, obviously; I concluded probably yes). It doesn't have a pronunciation guide though - what a faux pas.

It's actually pronounced OR-ee, but it can still rhyme.

FRONT: I hope you don't think I'm whore-y
INSIDE: Sorry I was boned by Robert Horry

YAY TO THAT

robert horry is SO clutch

Best avatar/comment synchro ever.

Well done on destroying a man's image of his first true love.

Dear theirateturk
I'm Sorry I Destroyed Your Image Of Your First True Love
from echidnaboy

Hey Onstad! You should make the cards seen in the strip from 4/24/08! My friends and I would totally buy them if we got jobs!

I'm for this as well!

Except I have no way of getting any money ever.

I'm Sorry I Still Don't Have A Job
(inside)I'm As Disappointed In Me As You Are

I actually would buy this card.

...if i had a job, and could afford it...

I do not think it would help the situation, but I think my parents would appreciate this one.

I thought this would be a good time to mention something that happened earlier this week.

I went to go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall at a local theater, but it was so packed I had to park in the side alley. There was a couch beside a door at the back of the theater and it just so happened I parked directly in front of it. As I walked by I noticed it smelled strongly of spray-on deodorant, but I paid it no mind and hurried into the theater.

Once it was done it was quite late and I was walking back to my car. I noticed, though, that there were several people on the couch, and in the hands of one of the figures was a coarse red ember that had to be the burning glow of marijuana in a small glass pipe.

Things became a little bit awkward. All three kids looked up at me like raccoons when you find them digging through your garbage. I nodded as I walked by and one said, "Hey."

I said, "Hey."

"What's up," he said.

"Not much," I said. "You?"

"Not much."

"Okay."

"Cool, cool," he said.

There was a good ten seconds of uncomfortable nodding as I ambled up to my car.

"So," he said. "Uhm... That an Achewood shirt?"

I looked down. It was indeed my rabbit ambulance shirt, though I had forgotten.

"Yep," I said.

He nodded and grinned. "All right, man. All right." I noticed that his intonation matched the black gardener at the cemetery in The Royal Tenenbaums almost exactly. You know, the guy that says, "Hey, Baumer! All right! All right!"? Of course you do.

Then I got in my car and drove off. It seemed a fitting scenario for an Achewood reference to bring us together.

I hope she didn't get nachos.

Could that be why she fucked the whole basketball team?

I would have thought that if he was able to fit most of his hand up her ass, that this was in fact after she had been fucked by the entire basketball team.

at the same time

I mean they all fucked her at the same time. Not that his hand was up there at the same time as/ you know what, we need EDIT.

No, I like your first comment, and the image it conjures. A poor girl just trying to watch and enjoy The Royal Tenenbaums, with some guys had up her ass and trying to fend off an entire basketball team all at once. Plus she is maybe wanting to eat nachos.

"Is it too much to ask to just eat some nachos without all this anal invasion?"

Ahh, my kingdom for a Chubby. Take a couple from my Punjesticles comment up near the top of the page.

I'd keep the one I gave you in trade, but it's too late.

I have given this matter much thought and discussion with my friends, and concluded that a girl can be in simultaneous sexual contact with up to and including 7 guys.

I know a guy. We can make it happen.

Wouldn't you need to know six guys?

And a girl?

Yes. Here's how it works:

-Triple penetration in the groin area (yes, it's possible, look up Annabel Chong)
-Double oral (two guys have to be standing close to her head at 45 degree angles)
-Each hand used for a handjob

One of my friends suggested that an 8th person could partake via a footjob, but come on now, that's just ridiculous.

As far as I know, this has never been done. Somehow, the Internet has created things like swap.avi, but not something like this.

Uh, not to be crude, but seriously, for a theory that cites a porn star, you guys need to think a bit more outside the box.

You heard me. Don't make me say it again.

vChub

YES

Shit, two of us get a foot?!

How is that a movie you hook up with a girl during? and what the heck type of girl lets you go all goatse during a movie?

There is apparently a corollary between being a human puppet and enjoying the carnal attentions of the Harlem Globetrotters.

It was not, in fact, as good as Rushmore.

i completely disagree, mostly because the pacing of Rushmore irritated me. i'm really picky about pacing though so perhaps i'm overreacting.

that one scene where bill murray dives into the pool, though- great scene.

I agree. It's the last movie he did before the art direction went insane and started overwhelming the story.

Was this the same girl mentioned above that got fucked by the whole basketball team? Because that would make sense.

Remind me not to shake you hand.

Did you like Forgetting Sarah Marshall? I really enjoyed it.

Also, The Royal Tenenbaums is, in my opinion, one of the best movies ever made.

All of Wes Anderson's films stomp so much brown eye, they're banned in 12 countries.

I think my thought process was something along these lines:

"Hmm, this really isn't as good as Rushmore"

"..."

"Sodomy"

Well, it's a different kind of film, only with the same feel. Rushmore was awesome too!

You're...you're pretty proud about sex that you have had, aren't you?

Anal sex dude. Anal sex.

...or "Technical incest."

YES

I really enjoyed Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

The Royal Tenenbaums is, in my opinion as well, one of the best movies ever made.

Someone already said that.

Yeah, that was a little disconcerting.

Sorry. My reply seems a little odd when it's not directly below the post to which I was replying.

Yeah, how crass of you.

It Was Wrong of Me To Reduce Your Ethnicity to an Obvious and Unfunny Stereotype

OMG WHITE PEOPLE, RIGHT? NOTHING THEY ENJOY IS GENUINE LOL

Burn, I guess. Sorry I went off like that, but that website is just a checklist of yuppie pop culture items that it is cool to laugh at. OMG Bottled water, right? Right? Isn't that a thing that you see that you are mildly irritated with? How about airplane food? Huh? Am I right?

you're actually pretty accurate, now that i've looked at the site. it's got some good gags, but for the most part it is just NETFLIX WHO EVEN DOES THAT RIGHT?

but with a handle like whiteturtle I was a little worried there was a KKK e-gypsy camp setting up. Little white tents, cooler full of Miller Lite.

Oh merciful jesus, it has never even once occurred to me that my beloved internet handle could be misconstrued as potentially racist. SHIT.

Hardly a very threatening image, a white fucking turtle! Oh run, my black brothers, White Turtle is comin'!

*ahem*

"Slow and steady ends your race"

*flees*

VERY good!

*~* Black America's feelings on this asset are reluctantly Pro. *~*

I am reminded of the book Yertle the Turtle, and the tragedy that this line is not in it.

I'd agree with you if the guy was either funny or right. I can name 3 people in my life who have even heard of him, and one was because of me.

no....he's right. as a white person, the blog tells me i like sushi because it is expensive, is a food with cache, and because us white folks love to fetishize asian culture. but i like sushi because it is delicious, and i resent being told otherwise.

and outside of that, the actual writing is nowhere near as humorous as it has the potential to be.

Sushi is good. Seriously.

If you don't like hardcore sushi, they have kinds with cream cheese that are lightly fried.

This was a relief, because at the time I had been "pretending" my way through a lot of sashimi. (To this day, I still can't join ranks with those of you who think you are big scary bears.)

God help me I love Chris's blog.

I remember when I read that, I was kinda proud. Like I am a big scary bear.

MM RAW SALMON NOMNOMNOM

<3 sashimi

Hell yeah for the scary bears who eat sashimi...

This is because you, like me, live in Oklahoma. There is not an ocean within fifty thousand miles of where we live. Sushi made from fish that has been dead less than a month can be good. It's mostly a texture thing, but the taste is pretty fun too.

You have a point there.

Still, there's a lot of people here who claim to like it. I am suspicious.

Eel. Delicious fucking eel. Sushi can be good. I don't find that I like sushi. I like the sushi at Tuna III, the local sushi bar. Anywhere else it sems to be of a lower quality.

If you are ever in New York, go to a sushi place that is highly rated. If you have the scratch, go to Sushi of Gari, especially the West Side branch.

"unagi"

Are those people paying huge amounts for it?

The thing about sushi is that basically you need fresh fish (which is really expensive in england) which needs to be of the highest quality (arg), then you need it to be prepared by someone who has been trained to do all of the delicate cooking steps (flavouring, cooking, cooling, and storing the rice), and who has been trained to vet the raw, fresh fish for safety (fish have hell of nasty parasites).

Even if it weren't fashionable and delicious, sushi would be hell of expensive, but it also commands a premium.

I used to work in a French Fry factory. Did you know that every McDonald's french fry is photographed while they are all on a moving conveyor belt tripping along at some 20 or 30 MPH or some such, and while they are still moving, a robot cuts out any brown spots. They are then sorted according to length, with the ones that are too short or too long going to non-McDonald's products like the B-grade bags of fries in the grocery store. Man, they got statistical models of how the heat from the oil travels through the fry as it is cooking.

same idea as sushi I guess. quality grub doesn't just happen on axident.

I don't believe you - I've had McDonalds fries that are like three feet long.

you might have been in a counterfeit McD or maybe they were serving counterfeit fries. To save money so they didn't have to buy the fries from the corporate Franchise. If you are at a sort of out-of-the way McD , always check to make sure it's legit. One way you can tell is the length of the fries.

Yeah, I know what you mean. At lunchtime at work when I don't fancy a sandwhich, I always hover in the sushi section for like five minutes, debating whether it's worth spending 3.99 GBP (I know the pound sign doesn't work here) on like four cubic inches of food.

In the end I ususally just get two packets of crisps instead of one.

Uhh, *sandwich. I'm still stupid, apparently.

I had like a goddamn half pound of ceviche last night.

My feelings on it are probably con. Good at first, then steadily less good.

My high school Spanish teacher went to Ecuador with a bunch of his friends. They passed a guy selling ceviche from a little cart. They dared one guy to eat it.

That was the day I learned the Spanish words for 'vomit' and 'diahreahha'

did you only try it once? Maybe you got a defective piece. Or maybe you got some off-colour variety.

Man I love sushi. The only thing better than sushi would be... if somehow you could combine... whoaa yeah... that would be awesome.. sushi & clit. They almost tried this in a scene in the film Tampopo, only it was raw eggs if I remember right. (dir. by Juzo Itami)

No, I tried it on more than one occasion at different places.

Hilarious movie. "Have you heard of this one kind of wild boar that only eats yams?"

I grew up in Texas. I didn't grow up eating sushi, but sushi is yummy. I'm sorry, tekende and hedonismbot. You have to seek out the good sushi, but it's there to be found!

Fuck me for not reading your post before posting myself. I totally agree.

But you're white, aren't you? That's the only reason you love sushi. If you were of a darker complexion, like myself, you would have the credibility to pull of a sushi-eating habit. As it is, you'll have to stick with twinkies and pasta with a bit of ketchup on top, while you watch me and my colored brethren slurp down sushi and watch The Wire with guilt-free glee.

GRAPE DRINK! IM A FAN!

Like...Rioja?

What the fuck is juice? Gimme some of that purple shit!

Nigga, what the fuck is juice

You're right, and sitting up at the bar and talking with the sushi maker is also key to a great experience.

I like sashimi, but not sushi rolls.

Why is this?

Possibly because she likes fish but not rice? This is just an idea. It could also be something much more interesting.

This is why I ask.

I don't believe that anyone who is not from Texas/ or Mexico who says they legitimately like Tex Mex. I say this because I have tried Tex Mex and do not believe anyone who has not grown up on it could like it.

As far as I can tell, it is only possible to get good texmex in Washington DC.

I love Mexican food, like the real authentic stuff.

Tex Mex is to Mexican food what Velveeta is to cheese.

Curiously enough, I don't mind Velveeta.

I've never really understood that. I live in Austin and Tex Mex is plenty authentic. There are sought-after people paid tons of money because they figured out how to perfect Tex-Mex food. It's not Interior Mexican food, no, nor is Quebec- or some Vietnamese food genuinely French, but that doesn't mean that poutain isn't delicious. Nor does it mean that just because something was made along the Texas border and not in the Yucatan Peninsula doesn't mean it doesn't taste good.

I'm guessing you're thinking of something like Taco Cabana or some chain restaurant that dispenses meat with a contraption like a caulking gun. If you seriously think Tex-Mex isn't authentic, then you haven't had any before.

Man, I sound passionate as fuck all about Tex Mex.

Originally I'm from Louisiana, by the by. I didn't grow up on this stuff, nor did I start eating it until fairly recently.

But seriously, Tacos al Pastor? Google that and tell me it doesn't sound like a great meal.

Yeah, Tex-Mex really has little to do with Mexican food. It is a Thing in its own right.

You may be right. Most Tex Mex I've experienced has been through crappy chains that brag about serving it.

One I will not try, no matter what: Carlos O'Kelley's. All that makes me think of is corned beef tacos. And yes, I know the most of the Irish haven't heard of corned beef and cabbage for St. Patrick's day. Somehow that makes it worse.

they have it so bad

Just cuz white folks got it easy doesn't mean humor directed at them gets to be lazy.

If we could agree more on that, we would have the same brain, shared via a cheap orange extension chord, hooked up from ear to ear.

No wait, Rushmore is better. No...Tenenbaums. No, Rushmore.

Happens every time. :( :( :(

im sorry i liked forgetting sarah marshall. hell of character flaws and this is the worst

It's touching how reality can briefly seem to mimic certain aspects of the existential hell swirling in our heads like some toxic snowglobe.

Right?

Your thumbnail avatar has the hardest action going on, man.

So does his icon.

I'm pretty sure Onstad has settled this debate with the previous strip.

give it up already, you are not going to make people stop calling them avatars. We all realize that they do not fit the technical definition for the word "avatar", but many of them, like the one you just responded to, are not technically "icons" either. An icon is a singular, static picture, so multi-frame gifs don't count. You really need to find something new to bitch about, because your shit is tired.

I have not yet begun to fight. (V-chubs to any of the undereducated masses who know who said that first, and with whom I share a real name.) Urrp! Shit Molly, get me another damned brewski!

Insert witty comment here about it being two Beatles and one Monkee, or just the bassist from Led Zepplin.

No fair, you're twice as old as the average denizen of Assetbar.

Or, V-chubs to anyone who can use Google...?

Hey, as long as they do the research, it ain't matter how. Trick 'em into learnin', I try.

This comment makes no sense poisitioned so far from spinynorman's post. Apologies.

Neither does this comment, positioned so far from your previous comment. Hint: Hit "refresh" before making a position-sensitive comment. There are many of us in this cluster-fuck.

This comment I am currently making makes no sense other than in its proximity to other posts on the same topic.

META-ED!

[IMGS OFF]

I know - I hate scrolling comments too

It's obvious that this kind of thing could only happen out west. In New York you could meet someone wearing the same shirt of a band that only has three fans, and also each of you has half of a treasure map on your shirt that reveals you're long-lost twins, and the most that would be socially acceptable is a quick nod with a half-ironic smirk as you walk past.

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