Knuckleheads to the Minute

Knuckleheads to the Minute 07/31/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

No one has ever called Dilbert a horse dogg maniac.

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Flashback to the good old days! But I like Dilbert, so I don't know where to stand on this strip.

Fuck, why didn't someone else get the first post. You fuckers are out to get me, aren't you?

Some men are born with the first post, some have the first post thrust upon them.

what what WHAT why did you get lames?! That is totally the interpretation I wanted. As a lady I am not restricted to only 'your dad' jokes, but can make any and all 'your mum' jokes by referring back to strap ons and the like if challenged; we have Equal Opportunities here in Europe.

I will chubby you for being a dame not afraid to roger a dude's mom on a coffee table.

I would like to chubby a dame and a dudes mum on a coffee table as well

so I chubbed ya

I'm into that.

aliiis, that clearly was not her first post.

It was aliiis's first post, though. Didn't you read that she had just bought it?

You know what would be clever? If someone turned the euphemism on its head, and started referring to their legs as their second and third dicks. Dear me, but that would be fucking clever!

no indeed, it was comparable to a hotdog in a hallway

It's like feeding a tic-tac to a whale...

Looks small... is small!

Does she still insist she sees the ghosts

It?
I think this is tough to say even if you don't stutter.

Fo' shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shizzle, my dizzle.

Ed... Edward Gorey???! Here? On Assetbar?

Even if it isn't, which I sort of think it isn't now, chubs for making me remember something half-forgotten from the mists of childhood and also for making me think about Edward Gorey. Oh, and for your mother, of course. She certainly thrust her fists against something last night, let me tell ya.

Man, why you gotta do a thing?

What news from the north?

Our meme has been completely annihilated!

Shut up Clitorides.

And how do you feel about ham?

I axe your ham, and get no response.

Did I just say...hammmmmm?

Repeat my mantra. Hammmmmmm.

I love ham.

And my axe!

Aw man you guys, I just realized we're technically talking about my mom. I...I probably should've defended her marriage to my father much earlier.

Hey! Lateadopter!

Sssssssip

that was a fine first post lateadopter

Right, just be natural and say what you have to say, not mentioning your postal position. (Until your second post, that is.)

Oh shit, I first-posted. OK. Just be cool. Be cool. Happens every day. Don't mention it and no one else will notice. Your zipper's secured, right, and ... Mom? No! Oh my God, is that one of those singing Hallmark Cards? I guess I can forget about those spam marking privileges.

Speaking of spam marking privileges: how do they happen? How does a guy start with not having them, and later have them? Can anyone explain this? Does anyone know for sure if anyone can explain this?

The answer to your question is known to us as an unknown.

But do we know that we don't know, or is it one of those unknown unknowns? ...damn, I'm glad it's 2008 and the Obamatron can take over

I'm... I'm not sure how to feel about this, either.

I'm just having fun screwing with the overall rating, while the number of votes is still low.

Yeah when I voted the strip went from 5 to 4 just like that. (I am not really that impressed by this strip. Maybe I was unprepared for the pathos of the wedding strip ending. I don't know.)

I know what you voted...!

LAST SUMMER

wait

in a situation such as this i think you can spell it either way because you are indicating that at least one mistake has been made so if you spell it incorrectly in the eyes of the reader they just file it along with your other mistake in their mental repository of ways you are not perfect.

alternatively: you just spell it any ol way you want and the good lord will etc

Somebody says this EVERY DAY.

Voting early is fun!

'cause you get that neat little sticker that says "I voted!"

It's OK, but my personal favourite of this genre of strip was the one where Ray made the guy from Drabble his phone-sex bitch.

"I am your wife Ray! I am married to you! Today is our wedding day!"

Not a classy aspect of you, Ray.

Ray knows that there is a time and a place for classiness. And it is not always and everywhere.

Some takedowns are impossible to be rendered classy purely on the basis of who's being taken down. Just like Sound and Motion, there ain't no honor in any category where Drabble (or Cathy, or Marmaduke, or Garfield, or Dilbert) is concerned.

I think the takedown on Cathy really should be classified as a different sort of takedown. You know, the kind with the scented oils, velvet swing and the Keith Sweat cd that starts skipping 3/4ths of the way through "Nobody."

Seriously, dilbert = fail

This strip seems mildly more affectionate than the other ones. But only mildly.

Because Dilbert isn't nearly as terrible as Cathy, Marmaduke, Garfield

Ray needs to lay the big beatdown on those comics truly horrible. A mercy killing for little Billy.

Good point. The attacks on Cathy and Garfield went after the substance (or lack thereof) of those strips, whereas this one creates this external layer of lawsuits by the character-cum-author.

I wonder what the worst comic ever is. I'm thinking maybe Family Circus.

I'm gonna have to go with Marmaduke on this one. Calling it a comic is giving it too much respect.

Its one-panel in Parade magazine...barely even a comic.

Dilbert may not be a work of genius, and can wear quite thin, but to compare it to the production line cock-vomit that is Marmaduke is like comparing the gift of a decent pair of wellies to the experience of coming home and finding a dead tramp in your bath.

Look: Coming home to find a dead tramp in your bath isn't such a bad thing, 'cause, hey, you can make dead tramp soup right there in your bathtub without having to go out and find a dead tramp.

You are both amusing fellows. I wish I wasn't so Friendly. It's a horrible failing and sees me constantly hungry for homeless people.

Q: What do you do when you find a dead tramp in your bath.
A: Start slicing leeks and carrots very finely to make a court bouillon.

I'm joking of course. Tramp is a dry, gamey meat and should be marinated in olive oil for at least 8 hours, and then cooked slowly with lardons and red wine.

A dead tramp in your bath can also be a gift....

...in that elegant, classical way...

You say that like there's a different way to give that gift.

(there isn't)

I'd be happy to find one there. I'm not religious. Not religious at all.

cathy or garfield.

I've never lived in an area that published Cathy in the daily comics. Its just about being boring and single and fat, right?

You forgot being deathly afraid of technology. DARN KIDS AND THEIR YOUTUBE MYSPACES!

those darn teens and their Mybooks and Facespaces!

myface and spacebook?

During my first week of joining Facebook, I couldn't stop calling it "MyFace."

Check this out:
http://facespace.com/

I should ahve checked out how to post links before I posted this. Sorry.

TubeSpaces?

nah doggie that ugly bitch got a husband.

When did that happen?

Did you not read the Wedding Arc?! God, it was such class. Fives all the way through.

[IMGS OFF]

ALT TEXT: Hey, don't make fun of early Cathy artwork. It's pretty impressive to land a syndication contract at four and a half.

I happen to think this is one of my favorite edwell posts.

Daaaaaaamn but I wish I got American newspapers. If only so that I would be able to fully appreciate this Edwell concoction.

You really shouldn't wish that. Nobody should wish that.

The most impressive thing about this is that you managed to remove the text.

this is great

...who just doesn't understand the kooky ways of us women! it's all like, "cathy, i bought you these chocolates!" and she's all like, "ack! i'm on a diet!" oh, man... good times.

i hate when i go on a date with a guy and he just talks about his mom! ack!

Will you have my retarded babies?

I'm sorry if that offended the retarded people on Assetbar.

I'll try to think before I post next time.

Hey now, Garfield was genuinely funny back when it had a full cast and decent backgrounds. Show some respect.

Nah, Garfield sucks Jon's balls.

And you don't find that funny?

god damn you and your points.

Dear Jim Davis: I used to read Garfield obsessively, before it became a steaming pile of stool. Please help me remember the good old days, when I used my library card to explore nearly the entire Garfield cataloge. Please bring back the best character you ever killed: The Talking Scale

i want to share two websites for those who enjoy hating garfield.

lasagnacat.com

http://www.thereverend.com/barfield/index.html

and one for those who enjoy hating marmaduke.

http://marmadukeexplained.blogspot.com/

goodness i am dick supreme for not making those links.

http://marmadukeexplained.blogspot.com

www.lasagnacat.com

http://www.thereverend.com/barfield/index.html

garfieldminusgarfield.net

I really think it speaks for itself.

Many people enjoy an occasional visit to the circus.

oh my goodness, i have been a fan of Joe Mathlete's blog since small times. well done.

You guys are so lucky you don't have to deal with Fred Basset, he is Marmaduke without the personality.

...although... in retrospect, maybe christian cavemen is worse, just because I cannot reconcile the historical inaccuracy.

I completely pictured christian caveman yelling his name like Captain Caveman when I read that...

"cccchristian....CAAAAAAAVE...MAAAAAAAAAAN!"

he he he, that would be better, I was of course refering to B.C.

Non-Sequiter, anyone? Not just the arrogance, but also the painfully generic lawyer and politician jokes.
And the whole girl and horse deal seems a little too Watersony to be mistakenable, but different enough to not be considered a tribute.

It's Family Circus. It's difficult for a comic to be so bad you rip it out of the newspaper in frustration.

Out of non-single panel strips, though, I'm going with Sally Forth. I know it's "mom humor," but still.

i have chubbied you because i, too, know that feeling of utter rage at the creator of Family Circus. only, instead of ripping it out of the paper, i am reduced to scrawling I HATE YOU all over the strip, as if, somehow, Bil Keane could know what I am writing and feel the pain he has inflicted upon millions of innocent people.

I think Neil Swaab provides a pretty good rundown:

[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]

Thanks, achilleselbow, for making me aware of Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles. I'd somehow never run across it in my unending search for dark humor on the internet. Void America's feelings on that sociopathic teddy bear are: Pro.

In and around London there are several free newspapers that are all pretty lame but give you something to read on the train. They have comics such as "This Life" and "Nemi" which are so unfunny, it's like it's on purpose.

Similarly, "As If" in The Independent - being the work of the Editor's wife - is like someone forcing you to coo over their baby pictures, but on a national scale. She can't even draw straight, probably because she laughing at us all so hard while she holds the pen.

Well, at least the Lite has Far Side.

The worst comic ever is The Lockhorns. A team of scientists found evidence of this. Garfield appeals to children, Marmaduke appeals to people who love the fuck out of big ugly dogs, and Cathy appeals to frumps, your aunt, and spinsters.

[IMGS OFF]

The Lockhorns don't do it for anyone.

Special mention goes to Love Is..., but it's hard to really qualify that as something intended to make people laugh.

This cartoon appeals to me in that I work across the border from the state I live in which has a much lower minimum wage. So in fact reaching my residential state's minimum wage is the goal.

Am...am I the loneliest person...in the world?

I <3 IF
[IMGS OFF]

Bloody A bar...

just right click on it and middle click view image.

(TMYK)

Steve Bell can be a very silly man, but once you get into his mindset, he a genius. He creates this sort of babbling nonsense language for politicians.

I forgot about the Lockhorns. They're HORRIBLE. Its Erma Bombeck jokes in comic form.

Sorry, Lockhorns >>> Garfield, Cathy, Family Circus, Hagar, etc.

Just glad we don't get Andy Capp or Fred Bassett anymore - what a waste of newsprint!

John Stewart recently used the Lockhorns to parody the idea that a cartoon could be explosive and controversial.

Hahah its about as controversial as "take my wife...please!"

I'm torn between Mary Worth and Family Circus. On the one hand, we have a bossy old lady interfering in the lives of the spineless chumps around her, on the other we have the world as seen by young, stupid children indoctrinated into ultra-fundamentalist Christianity. Tied for third are that football one they have in The Sun which has the most horrifying CGI ever seen, and that agony aunt photo-strip which just serves an excuse for poorly-justified nudity (which could be said about The Sun as a whole).

Maybe everybody here will like this website:
http://joshreads.com/
I don't know if you can just click on it (new to this), but it's the comic curmudgeon.

But Mary Worth is awesome if read in a...I guess, an ironic manner. Read it as though Mary Worth is a horrible individual dedicated to ruining peoples' lives. Then it's hilarious.

Votes for Hagar, Andy Capp, Garfield and Mary Worth to all tie Family Circus for Worst . . . Cartoon . . . Ever.

Ohhh I forgot about Andy Capp. Damn that Flo for not letting him drink at the pub...again!!

tomorrow, on a very special Dilbert...

[IMGS OFF]

i prithee, Assetbar, to let this fit minus scrollies...

crouching Jesus in the shadows man no one has ever captured the rigmarole of office life as this man

this is a comic that the creators of Homestar Runner did, viewable as an easter egg in a Strong Bad Email. probably one where he's in the office...[url=www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail37.html]dullard[/url]. that's the one. click on the comic on his cube wall.

...i don't understand..what did i do wrong?
oh. the http. bagh.

the stuff

[IMGS OFF]

Thank you, Print Screen.

if you press alt plus print screen it only captures the currently active window.

and i think that's rad.

I know; I was at first pleasantly surprised that a one-off strip was appearing again (I miss all the silly, bizarre throwaway jokes) but his comments about dilbert just weren't all that illuminating/biting.

What? Frame O.J.? But I really like O.J.! But you're right, it's just too good...

Attention, all ships at sea: we're framing O.J.!

That Dana Carvey special was basically gospel to me in middle school.

I remember reading something cool about Scott Adams: when he was first starting his job, he would sit down and write every day, "I will be the most popular comic strip writer in the country" ten times. Each day he sat down and he'd write that out, for several years. Eventually he was not quite first, but third, the top two being none other than Bill Watterson and Gary Larson.

...and you all know what happened after that.

I'm not saying that Scott Adams should be singled out and blamed for the loss of Calvin and Hobbes and The Far Side, simply by writing down something ten times a day. That would be irrational. I'm just saying that if someone were to, say, rough him up a little with extensive use of a ball-peen hammer, I would in no way to consider that an irrational act.

Best watch your ass Norman.

I will be the most lusted after person on Assetbar
I will be the most lusted after person on Assetbar
...

Don't worry, redo. I will always lust after you, whether I want to or not.

Don't worry, I'm already looking at his ass.

Man, cannot a man comment upon the curiosities of the comic strip world without having his ass lusted after by the internet

I mean, cannot a man?

hey spiny... nice ass

ouuu... such a burn! for the win! at the same time, it is ironic that we are being critical of Dilbert for being formulaic inside of an Achewood strip that is it's self formulaic... wouldn't it be sad if 10 years from now Achwood is still prank calling other comics and doing Roomba Theatre strips. But there has been I think somewhere less than a dozen prank call strips, so, still, this is still a way fresh formula, as compared to Dilbert which is like a 50 year old donut crumb steeped in preservatives on display at the Smithsonian.

Thankyou, that was very patronising, with the ironic chatspeak and all.

I have no idea what you're talking about which must mean that I don't speak chatspeak, ergo, any meaning which my speak may have in chatspeak is purely coincidental.

For the win? People not on computers do not use that kind of talk.

I'm still lost. but yeah I guess I see where it could have seemed condescending or something... I dunno... that's an awful lot of reading into what I say, but I'm used to that by now...

Do not like Dilbert. It is lame to like Dilbert. Scott Adam is king of the bitter little douches.

Morrissey is a total prick, but it doesn't mean that I don't like listening to The Smiths. If you change your opinion of art based on the artist, it's pretense in its purest form.

(Must... end with joke... but can't think of one...)

Are you kidding us?

Im kidding about the third post thing.
But what days and times does the strip update? Does he just do it whenever?

How have you viewed 869 strips and yet you don't know the answer to this question?

Because I have viewed all of those in like a week . . . I'm new to Achewood, and I've been reading through the archives. I came here to finish up the archives, and I see two comments on here, and I was wondering what time this updates.

Oh...yeah nowadays it's pretty much just whenever he feels like it.

The only real restriction is that it doesn't update on weekends. You're most likely to catch new strips on Tuesday/Thursday.

Thanks, peoples.

Tomorrow's recipe is chicken!

I know what you're referencing, but I don't understand why . . .

RETURN OF THE ALT TEXT!!

HIDE THE CHILDREN!!

HIDE YOUR DAUGHTERS! (high-pitched screaming)
SHOOT YOUR SONS! (daddy? *BLAM*)
LOVE FIST IS COMING

I'm not out, so I can give you a real one. Otherwise it would be a VC VC,

a Vice City Virtual Chuppy.

WHY!?! Why did I have to instantly get the reference?!?!

because you play MUCH video games before lunchtime!

HOW MUCH FOR YOUR WIVES!!! YOUR WOMEN!!!! YOUR DAUGHTER!!! HOW MUCH FOR THEM!?

Pretty much whenever. The idea is Monday to Friday in the mornings, but it's more Tuesday to Friday, as he noted in Monday's Excuse Note(tm).

Is that clear enoughbert?

thankbert youbert muchbert.

Wow, I see how that can get annoying fast.

I hope you learned a lesson and realize how lame you look, third postee.

I'm so ashamed of myself.
I just couldn't control myself.
I need help.

This is so not the place for help. The first two are okay though.

I'm sorry I trolled, though. I should have just asked the question by itself. I promise I won't become a new asherdan or retardo.

Wait, you say you're new to this place, but you know the reputations of asherdan and retardo? Either you're a very quick study, or you are not who you say you are.

dunh-dunh-DUNH!

I'm caught!!
No, I usually read the first few comments, sometimes all of them, of each strip. And I have read all the strips up till december 2006.

Man, I miss Asherdan.

*badum-dum-pssh*

Ah... I was wondering about this new fellow with the prolific posting habit and unconvincing apologetic-but-annoying-neophyte tone. IGNORED!

I hope you don't mean me.

I think she means me, even though I don't have a prolific posting habit. And I tried to apologize for saying "third post" which I guess she thinks was unconvincing.

I don't think I made a good first impression. I know about asherdan and retardo because I read the comments. I'm still new because I haven't posted much but I still have read most of the strips in the past week. I'm not a troll, and I really like this comic! And I don't mean to start any fights. So, sorry.

Mneh fair enough.

See, this is the paranoia and insanity that can take over if we aren't diligent about ignoring the true troublemakers. I'm also keeping an eye on him, though, just in case.

If we give in to paranoia, then the asherdans have won.

Irondave is known as such because he carries an iron 2X4, sje46. If he has an eye on you, you better watch your behaviour.

He also has a dog called Magnus Intactus who has a taste for fear and a good coffee.

I think I better get my fez.

*gulp*
Please don't hurt me mr. dave.

irondave, that's exactly what I would expect somebody to say if they were trying to weaken the anti-troll consciousness of assetbar posters in order to usher in a new order of troll domination. I'm watching you.

No hang on. I'm IGNORING you.

I'm not really.

Gentlemen, I've determined that the troll is... someone in this very room!

Ooooo... Maltese Falcon style. Will you now go on to slowly and deliberatley divulge whom it is through a cutting and mildly intense narrative?

*lights go off, thunder rumbles outside, lights come back on*

Gasp! Someone has murdered achilleselbow!
But who? WHO...?!

Number One Son, please to get detective kit from car as Honorable Father comes out of retirement to seek out troll. As Confuscious say, "He who peeks under bridge must sometimes see dookey."

Amazing!

Ok, I'm not sure that's coming across as being Harry Hoo from Get Smart...

He is in the "Not Craw, Craw." episode.

I will read this as being a Murder by Death reference, and thus virtual chubby you.

Virtual chubby

Like pogo knows Murder by Death. I laugh at this idea.

I think that even if you ignore me I can still gaze upon Kate Winslet, so, you know, whatever. And if you want to watch me, that's also cool. Maybe I will make coconut-infused rum drinks.

I hate you guys.

As Cookie Monster might say, "Me smell troll!"

Me eat so much, cos me feel empty inside.

Thing is, Cookie monster doesn't eat that much. Consider the following:
1) They would show him consuming a cookie, at most, once an episode.
2) He would scarf the cookie down in an open-mouthed frenzy, scattering about half of it as crumbs rather than ingesting them.
3) He did a rap promoting the ingestion of healthy foods.
The verdict: Cookie-monster is not responsible for the terrible eating habits of American children. It was all a frame-up by the Ronald McDonald crew!

This gratutious over-analysis brought to you by the overpaid drones at the Center for Childhood Obesity Studies at Cornell University (Ha-ha we got a grant and you didn't).

Dilbert doesn't strike me as the type to just jump to lawsuit threats. But hey I haven't spoken with him directly...

I think maybe Dogbert picked up the phone. Or Dilbert did, and then Dogbert grabbed the extension and took over.

I know, Dilbert is such a tool, he doesn't seem likely to consult a lawyer.

[IMGS OFF]

that is one very sick seagull.

He actually reminds me of the raping dog from ATHF.

Tonight,

you.

- Handbanana

You guys can't appreciate it through this medium, but I've been told I do a pretty spot-on Carl impression.

Can you do the "It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard!" line? That is one of my favorite Carl lines.

That's pretty badass

Someone needs to make that banana happy.

Hedonismbot. Elbox is presenting a challenge.

I've been feeding my harem McDonald's wrappers and toenail clippings. Any of them could down that thing in one gulp and still have room to follow it with a whole salmon.

[IMGS OFF]

now to calculate my chubby wage

Sing along, "Put a smile on your bananaaaa!..."

I work with a bunch of folks who do the stereotypical "Dilbert on the cubicle wall" thing. This is going up post-haste.

god so true

TAKE THAT DILBERT LOVERS

[IMGS OFF]

YOU TAKE THAT AND YOU LIKE IT

You are the king, friend. I took that, and I liked it.

...are those photos of the Alien series face-humpers? Where... where do you work?

- and a photo of a Toyota Yaris. Please. God. I'm. Not. A - etc. etc.

I think they're just really big spiders. I'm not sure why there's a picture of them on the wall.

I work as an analyst in a lab specializing in electronics and semiconductors. Nothing to do with spiders or Yarises, really.

Notice the Dilberts are stuck up ABOVE the Achewood?

This must be rectified.

Solifuges, actually.. otherwise known as camel spiders

that spider picture frightens me.

i am also curious what the magnet looking thing to the right of the Yaris is. it looks like a punching 8-bit Stinkoman.

...what am i doing, referencing them twice in a comic.

one of my coworkers drew Megaman on the back of an old Intel processor... that's what it is.

NO WAY!! that is SO much cooler than what i said!

A V-chub for you good sir.

I do like this picture. But, who does watch the watchmen? Has that been answered at your workplace?

No one watches the watchmen. The watchmen are self-sufficient.

I dunno...the Coast Guard?

v-chub for Simpsons quotes. there should be more of them. More! Hang those who talk of less.

But Dilbert is, as stated, too much of a spineless wimp to successfully sue. And Scott Adams isn't really the litigious sort. He's much more likely to look on negative publicity as positive publicity.

But think of Dogbert.

You'd think so, but he's actually a downright little bastard when it comes to that stuff. Try looking up Scott Adams and Leisuretown when you have the chance.

wow this just went up. I've never caught one this early.

why is it always dudes with the hot chicks with the boobs as their avatars?

Is it me, or does this hot chick have facial hair?

...she could. but all i can see clearly is the boobs.

it is the cover of an aphex twim album. i believe it's called "windowlicker." the dude has a thing for voluptuous women who have his face and head instead of their own. it is kind of weird.

chubby for the explanation. but those boobs are still hot.

Well, don't go to Youtube, then, and watch the video for the title track. Because that would most likely be a bad idea. (I mean it.)

I'm still pretty traumatised by that one Aphex Twin video. And the fact that they're all accompanied by music in only the broadest sense of the word doesn't help.

My favorite. Music Video. Ever.

Orrrhhhh come on, what about it's predecessor, for Come To Daddy. That shit is orrrwwwsome. Apparently one of the security guards on the set saw the small children with the Aphex Twin rubber masks (rubber masks not computer manipulation) and walked off muttering about the sick bastard who does this kind of thing. Soooo good.

That's a great one, too. Actually, when I think about it, the video to Weezer's Undone-The Sweater Song probably tops my list. Just one long shot, big blue backdrop, and then......Dogs!

Aphex Twin rubber masks would make a good "freak out potheads" prop.

top five mos def. *props*

5. Hip Hop
4. Champion Requiem
3. Respiration (with Talib Kweli and Common)
2. Thieves in the Night (with Talib Kweli, as Black Star)
1. Mr. Nigga

Chubby for you.

What about "The Beggar"? That song is so great I cannot even explain. It amazes the knees; the potty runs out of the body.

I just saw the new X-Files movie. I now believe that the evil doctor was Aphex Twin with one of those Mission Impossible masks.

Pretty mediocre movie, yeah? I saw it for free. It would not have been worth paying for.

Quote:

but all i can see clearly is the boobs.

This may have less to do with the size of the image, and more to do with the direction of your eyeballs.

Was her face obscured by 'milk fog'?

i want to obscure her face with my milk fog

put some lightning in her box

penetrate her with my penix

At least, THIS animal got hit by a car!

Off topic, but I was trying to see how many achewoods there are by looking at everybody's amount of viewed strips. A lot of people have 1458, so I think that's it. But you have 1457!! You missed one!

It's only 1458 if you haven't seen the super-secret Achewood. Changed my life, man.

There's a password and everything. It's just like being a breast man.

it took me a while to track it down but man was it worth it

six pages long, with every character in it, and they're all just basically being fantastic

And then Onstad himself knocks on your door and gives you a handshake. And a hundred dollars.

I think you're lying . . .
I mean, you LOOK like a liar.
But I'm going to ask you how to get to it anyway.

If I told you it would defeat the purpose.

I'll just sit here with my 1460 posts, my cool hundo, and my 'stadshake.

(I don't know why I have 1460 strips viewed instead of 1459.)

Because they wouldn't be as hot without the boobs.

"Why is it always dudes with the hot chicks with the boobs as their avatars?"

Too bad you missed aliiis's self-boobshot earlier.

man what

Aliiis is a wonderful photographer and is doing a shot a day, and one day she shared a boobshot we all slobbered over, so she went back to being a squid.

ohh. i was not a party to these occurrences.

[IMGS OFF]

The link to her portfolio is back there somewhere *SLAM* as several Assetbarbarians exit the thread to go searching for boobs.

that is too bad.

A self-boobshot sounds like some kinky BDSM move.

Me neither. It seems like a random time to put one up.

By the way, I like your avatar. Better than mine. I should change it . .

"wow this just went up. I've never caught one this early"

That's what she said.

Beep bop dootle dop!

Deet deet.

Skreet skreet.

Wow, first new blogs, then a cartoon strip prank call? Achewood's goin' classic on us!

Read Dilbert in the newspaper! Is SO good. Is SO funny. Read today! DILBERT.

Liebot, now is not the time!

Don't you mean... Liebert?

or maybe even, uh, Vlad?

Oh talking penor, I love when you post

I know, it's a baby opposum!

I want to know what Beef is writing on the clipboard?

Is it a rating system?
"Has The Game been properly owned?
[ ] oh yes
[ ] not really
[x] we are getting sued!"

"Which 'The Game' was Ray talking about?"
[ ] Mediocre rapper
[ ] pretty good Sean Penn/Michael Douglas movie
[x] terrible code-name for Dilbert

[] mind-virus that will ruin your life as soon as you start playing

Excellent Trek reference, ensign.

Man, what?

I believe he was referring to (oh god let this work)

The Game.

Man, they have fucked that article up so much since I wrote it.

You also write on ED? Good god man, have some dignity. You are wallowing with the lowest here (and me)

I gave up when I realised that those fools ain't got no sense of artistic merit. I think writing the article on The Game was my biggest contribution.

Then it was just one goatse too many, and I was out of there.

I read it for the articles. OH RIMSHOT

But seriously, I kill most of my hours reading about key, lame internet community members, and ED is a good place to do that.

I even found a girl I went to school with on there! She apparently really digs on that skeleton from Nightmare Before Christmas. I mean, really digs on.

...BONED?

Uncyclopedia is to ED what the Colbert Report is to South Park. About all the "humor" on ED consists of writing about their subject matter in the bluntly disparaging and pissed off tone of an angsty 13-year old. I find that usually Uncyclopedia just has more originality and quality control; see their article on Goatse, for example.

However ED is more useful if you actually want to get factual information about such things that have been kept out of Wikipedia. I do have ED to "thank" for directing me to the torrent for swap.avi. Go ahead, look it up.

I agree with you on Southpark, but the Colbert Report seems a little... redundant? Everyone, at least those who would watch that kind of show, can see that Hannity and company are full of shit, thus Colbert seems like a Saterday Night Live sketch that has entered into it's eighth minute. Like watching twenty-two minutes of Sam the Eagle.

Oh, The Colbert Report has long moved on from being a simple parody of O'Reilly and such. The amazing thing is that he somehow makes his character actually likeable at the same that his views are the object of satire.

I would be more amused by The Colbert Report if so many people didn't take it so seriously. I mean, wanting Colbert to run for president? Do you people understand that he is playing a parody character and we therefore do not know for sure what his political views are. Do you realize this.

[IMGS OFF]

ehhhh, stifle there, elbox

(That was Archie saying to stifle. Me? I love you. Talk Carl to me, baby)

You still got dat cleavage, kickstart? Heh heh. You still, eh, smugglin' balloons, everywhere you go?

I once paid a prostitute in pennies. True story.

ED is more useful if you want to read about something and you want to hate the people who wrote about the thing because they are making fun of it no matter what it is. So really it's not useful at all.

I always found the uncyclopedia to be more artistic, but I haven't visited either in a while so I can't comment on current quality.

Man, Uncyclopedia wins points just for Zork.

Man, what??

"Did he get the win?

Final Target Reaction:
[ ] Chuckling
[ ] Nervous laughter
[x] Raised voice
[ ] Spluttering with incoherent rage
[ ] Audible weeping
[ ] Submissive cybersex partner"

[ ] Paying alimony for a shotgun marriage

...Ray still hasn't noticed that LN is dead as fuck.

Fuck's not dead!

how do you turn a phrase?

...i knew this would happen.

I'm probably going to get hella lames for saying this, but I've always disliked Dilbert. The biggest arsehole in any office is always the biggest Dilbert fan. It's less about critiquing shitty management and more of a way for shitty managers to plausibly claim they're not shitty because, look, I read Dilbert, therefore I can't be guilty of the stuff it (lightly) condemns.

To put it another way, David Brent is in many ways the archetypal Dilbert fan.

yeah but the frumpiest broads in the office always read cathy.

Yeah, and the hottest young studs and dames all read Achewood!

Am I right? Am I right?

goddamn right.

High five!

Right, right, you're bloody well right, you've got a bloody right to say it!

man if anyone were to know about Superior Tramps, it'd be that guy ^^

No, you're right; Scott Adams is a super-dweeb who supports all sorts of downsizing and corporate ass-rapery; he gets his hapless fans to supply him with material and just generates one boring stereotype after another: i.e. Meet M T Suit, the man who doesn't exist. Dilbert just makes people with soul-crushing jobs feel like everyone is in the same boat as they are; it pacifies and neuters them.

Poster steerpike66, with respect I think you're getting a bit too into The Important Socio-Political Reasons why the Cartoon Strip Dilbert is Evil.
IMO there have been a lot of very entertaining Dilbert strips in the past at least. I dont read it nowadays however, and a quick check indicates that it's now shite.

I've worked in an office; Dilbert is accurate. It is also depressing. It never made me smile; it made me feel a little sick and empty. Now I don't work in an office and never have to see those people, or Dilbert, again.

Roast Beef is demonstrating the importance of diligent documentation when takin' on anyone of Semi-Game status or greater.

Fivebert

Fuck, I misread Dilbert's last line.

Now I have a mental image of Dilbert whispering "Until you are so sued." into the receiver.

i cried tears of joy when i read this post.

puf

litigate

I want to speak to Dilbert. The main one! Donnie Dilbert.

Just put him on you ten inch monkey.

Ray has so many business extensions to dial through to get to Dilbert's cubicle that one of the keytones is a "DOOTLE"

See, Old Man Smuckles gets his gutless jollies picking on random vegans. Ray takes on Dilbert, the malevolent corporate juggernaut among nerds.

There's a reason only one of them burned the fucking Acres to the ground.

PS: Courtesy of Leisure Town and some obsessive-compulsive image-saver, here is The Dilbert Hole.

BWAAHAHAHA! Well worth a visit, my droogs.

That shit is insane. It's all, Chong Dong Ping Trang.

Man, that strip doesn't make any sense to me. Isn't Nips a racial slur for the Japanese?

You are correct. Do not be alarmed if a satire of racism includes ignorance of a foreign language. He is satirizing The Boss.

(not Bruce Springsteen)

I think he's satirizing the strip, to be fair.

fived for "You're like chow mein, man. You're just not important!"

I like chow mein and Dilbert. I don't know what to think anymore!

On the other hand, I don't like rap music and white zinfandel either, so I don't know why I would take umbrage to this strip.

Stay rational, guys!

don't worry about it. it's not a big deal.

The best part of today was that I was eating chicken chow mein for lunch when I first saw this comic.

Ray's right: chow mein is just not a big deal.

The Return of Horse Dogg Maniac! It's your favorite foreign movie.

It will come back to you

my larynx!

I have just now flipped the record on Aja. Thanks, man.
***Trivia sections are discouraged under Assetbar guidelines***
Did you know that "Aja" won the 1977 Grammy for Best Use of Cocaine in a Studio Album?
It even beat "Rumours"!!

I'm having Steely flashbacks like a motherfucker right now.

Not rumors, it's fact.

Until you are SO sued.

Suedest you are ever being.

-k

The suedest you are ever being, eh? Is that like being ensconced in velvet?

You know, regardless of my affection (or lack thereof) for the subject of ridicule, the strips which are comprised of nothing but a character relentlessly making fun of something are probably my least favorite.

Tell it to all your sailor pals, baby.

Got my bone on 4 times to this strip. I was all,

bone bone bone bone

only four times, eh?
and even your avatar only shows three!

as a service, i have made your icon INFINITE BONES ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!

[IMGS OFF]

You're also the most randomly helpful Elder God!

Is that like Islamic heaven or what?

virgin bones.

That image is a perfect metaphor for my life

No one has ever done that.

No-one said he could take Dilbert to school over the phone.

put on that Dora the Explorer backpack, Dilbert, because you're about to be driven off a cliff by the roughest, toughest bus driver you'll ever meet in your life!

Acheworld! You strike me as a sage bunch who has generally been pretty alive by most standards. I seek your counsel:

What is your advice on getting over someone romantically?

And don't say just get out there and have a good time because I am always trying to do that and it is obvious.

Put on a grimace, pull out a photo, and jerk 'til you resent them for the pain.

What's...where's...how do I even begin to describe your comment/topicality situation?!

JOIN THE NAVY

YVAN EHT NIOJ!

You can sail the seven seas!

You are a gay man aren't you?

Start posting on webcomic forums and proceed to build an entirely separate life for yourself there with a new circle of acquaintances that will not remind you of the pain.

Oh wait...

That does not always work.

tekende, you have posted some depressing things in the past few days

do you think it is rad to be depressing, tekende

I do not think it is rad. It is affecting my sleep in a negative manner.

does that mean you're getting way more than usual or far less?

'cos i've been going to sleep around four in the morning lately and waking up around noon.

am i depressed? do i need a Lamp?

Sounds like what you need is a JOB!

(just kidding I know that you could very well have a job on second shift or whatever, as I did as a young man about your age)

lie with some random woman. (or man, if that's what you're into.) do not get attached to them. you are vulnerable at this stage and also run the chance of boring them to death with extroverted thought about this someone. thus it follows to do your best not think about them though one of their shirts is almost in the exact middle of your room.

play this game.

read too much achewood.

get faced on strong drink and cry. or dive very fast and cry. (do not do both of the first items concurrently.) feel terrible for about a week..or a month OR TWO OR SEVEN I MISS YOU LAURIE and then you will begin to feel better.

(this is all incredibly irresponsible advice. do not pay attention to it...but that game is really fun.)

Oh, man. I'm never having free time again. Damn that game.

Well, productivity for the day officially ended at... 9 AM.

Resign yourself to being in love forever, use a statement of your feelings as your title on a webcomic discussion board.

That's not creepy at all!

It's not rape if they're dead!

* Quits: crag-- (crag@202.154.72.136) (Dead girls dont say no)
* Quits: KiM (KiM@134.115.157.196) (going for a walk :p)
@ShowDowN> that is sick
@ShowDowN> we should ban him next time he comes in
@nekro> yeah, who the hell goes for walks

cry until you fall asleep

In your pursuit of rebound, remember not to bathe with prostitutes. Water is basically a genital bridge.

Find someone new, but first, find out what is wrong with you that you can possibly fix, and if nothing, then make a better choice next time.

Kidnap a feminist

Kiss your hair goodbye. Learn to love basements.

Every time you start to have a fond memory for her, force yourself to think of something bad she did, like that time she gave you a picture of herself for your birthday, or how she used to leave her dental floss in the bathtub. If you mentally balance out each positive memory with a negative one, you'll be AMAZED at how many of her awful traits you'd been ignoring.

Hope that helps!

Wallow in the pain, accept that there were some good things but they were probably illusory, try to figure out how you got into that without seeing the signs of your impending destruction, vow to do things differently next time.

Wait through three years of celibacy, then fall into the same trap, telling yourself that you are doing things differently and you won't get caught this time.

Wait, were you asking how you should do it? Fuck if I know.

Make a list of every reason you're glad to be rid of them. (Even if you're really not.)

stand around outside a friend's window and listen to him and his lady role play Dracula and Ms. Purple Easy Spirits.

Convince yourself that the other person was a terrible human being, build that image of them as dreadful and ugly into a mythical proportions, then meet them five years later and be surprised at how nice and normal they are. With any luck the surprise will cause you to fall for this person all over again, and this time they will probably have a really hot and cool new partner, and you will be alone and spending your time on internet forums.

Take up a hobby or two and wait. For this purpose, brooding is not considered a hobby, though drinking can be.

Knife sharpening and knot tying are also acceptable hobbies.

you have forgotten entirely about the hobby of making food, not eating it, and then masturbating.

Furiously! The masturbation muft be furious for the meat to be properly wanked upon!

When it hurts, let it hurt, but remember the reasons why you broke up in the first place. Even if they are her reasons. Eventually the hurt will go away.

You guys, I am really kind of shocked and kind of proud that no-one has replied to this with "Try what I did. Only $10k up front". Wait -- shit.

Anyway. I think you really just have to let the thing take its course. I have never yet found anything that actually stops you feeling that way. Just time and stuff. But be good to yourself, you know, watch sappy movies and drink and eat whatever you want whenever you want and just do things that dull the pain. Not necessarily obvious 'having fun' things, sometimes it can be better to just chill.

Give it time. Take up a violent sport to let out your frustration. Drink too much soy sauce and hallucinate and try to drive your house. Then jerk off a few times and start creating sad songs/poetry/art/allegorical prose/woodwork/whatever about what you're dealing with.

Beep Bop Dootle Dop

The Dilbert Ray is talking to on the phone is not the Dilbert we (as comics readers) are familiar with. Off-panel, in his dressing room, Dilbert is just like a huge dick who always wants to sue somebody and needs extra cream in his machiatto every morning, or his barista is gonna get SUED

dildo it for a dollar

man if he saw that option he would fly off the handle like Pat did with that boat.

Heh. Dildobert.

All his head being the main part of the dildo.
All his tie being the clit attachment like those rabbit things.

his "hair" does have that nubby-looking texture...

...For her pleasure

Hot barista on barrister action ensues.

Barista on barrister on banister. The staircase had never seen anything like it.

I think Dogbert was probably put on the line. Dilbert in NO WAY has the chilies to talk to anybody like that.

Dilbert is a girly man about suing and such things.

Actually the current arc on dilbert.com has him suing someone.

I am just glad that they insulted the crappy "ad your own punchline" thing that they have on that site. The results have been on the whole terrible.

I love the raised eyebrows of panels 3 & 4.

oh shit this is INSANE why is he dragging Roast Beef into this the dude is MARRIED oh shit oh shit oh shit this is off the hook

you know what is a big deal though?

LO mein. love it. moist.

"Skreet skreet"? More like "Skeet skeet."
This strip made me cum.

Eh, this one is just business as usual. Onstead must be having problems coming up with deus ex machinae for Little Neph.

It'll probably take Ray the next six months just to notice LN is gone. He'll just hop out of bed sometime in February and wonder "Where Lil' Nephew all up ins?"

Is this Achewood: Leisuretown Got Sued edition?

The small bar represents how much pain Ray feels when Dilbert sues him. The larger bar is where he bashes Ray's head against the toilet and rapes him with the big red fire extinguisher. And that's where we stand today.

Man, I hope that clipboard contains serious satirical strip action that we get to see. Beef is working hard in the last panel... you can tell because of the dual 'skreet' notations, don'tcha know.

I like Dilbert overall, but I think its Sunday strips are typically weak. They have a habit of spelling out the joke and explaining it step-by-step, instead of being truly clever about what they're making fun of.

Dear USPS:

I have this package that was sent to me but for some reason it does not seem to be possible to get it re-delivered to me. Could you please check into that for me. I put in a redelivery request via your web site, but I wasn't home when it was redelivered, so I got a second little slip of paper telling me that I can go pick it up at the post office, or I can have it redelivered again. So I am trying to have it redelivered again. This time I signed the little slip of paper in order to authorize the carrier to leave the package even if I am not home to receive it in person. I left the little slip of signed paper (PS form 3849, may 2008 version) in a conspicuous spot on my mailbox for the carrier. I also put in a second redelivery request online, WER********, and... no dice. So after the second redelivery date passed, I called and someone at your toll free number changed redelivery request WER********, to today, but again, today, the package was not redelivered. wow... who knew that delivering a package could be such a logistical challenge involving so much confusion caused by so many broken systems, all of it tracked with multiple tracking numbers and redelivery numbers. I am amazed that it is so inexpensive to ship a package what with all of the customer service interaction that it takes just for a package to reach it's destination. Don't get me wrong it's not that I don't mind interacting with everyone at the USPS, you are all very nice people, but I have friends and family that I need to spend time with and I have a full time job as well. Please let me know if there is any shortcut that I can take so that I can skip past all of the customer service interaction and get more directly to the point of having my package re-delivered, which this little slip of paper (PS form 3849) assures me is still possible at this point.

Thanks much!

Ray is slamming a hybrid of Dilbert and creator Scott Adams. Scott Adams is a main douche. An "arrogant about being in MENSA" kind of douche.

(citation needed)

[false?]

[Yes?]

You should read his blogs. Dude's pretty wordy.

is he anti-intellectual? is he that kind of douche?

To judge from some of what he put in his blog, he is actually arrogant about being SMARTER AND MORE SUCCESSFUL than the people he met in MENSA.

what a douche!

the MENSA meeting starts at 5 pm, not am.

"oh...bad start."

I am not comfortable with the names of food items being followed by the suffix "bert." Not comfortable at all.

"Sherbetbert" is just too awkward.

See my dildobert comment above, depending on your diet

Hedonismbot. Just replying here because of previous Autolux related commentry. If you're looking for that kind of goodness I highly recommend Big Heavy Stuff - Maximum Sincere. It'll be a tough find but it's timeless (as soon as you adapt yourself to the Australian accent).

...Been singin' love songs,
alllll of the time
Even only be, golly only be,
Beep bop dootle bop-I, ain't got no-bo-dy

After winning the Great Outdoor Fight, punking Dilbert is just a small snack at bedtime.

Holy crap this is such a screeching jolt back to the Achewood of old I forgot which Prime Minister was in office. Then I remembered, and preferred it the old way.

Quote:

Look, I gotta go be a spineless hero to sixty million water cooler wimps who have their password written on the back of their hand...

Oh. Oh oh. Oh no, Ray, no.

[IMGS OFF]

You do not want to fuck with them.

another legendary movie i've not yet seen.

- Gone With The Wind
- The Boondock Saints
and um...
- Finding Nemo 2: Who's Dory?

The day before yesterday I ate in an airport version of Chili's called Chili's Too(: Electric Boogaloo).

It wasn't in DFW, was it? A few months ago, I was stuck there overnight due to tornadoes or something, and I probably walked past that stupid Chili's Too in Terminal B a few hundred times while I was pacing back and forth (I wasn't lucky enough to get a cot, and sleeping in those airport chairs is impossible).

Airports are kind of cool after closing, though. I'd never want to get stuck overnight again, but it totally reminded me of The Langoliers.

Nope, it was Chicago. They also had a huge brachiosaurus skeleton for some unknown extremely rad reason.

A Chili's in DFW?

WINGS OVER BUFFALO

Chicken drumettes tossed in our spicy Buffalo wing sauce. Served with cool* bleu cheese dressing.

[1]As the astute reader may have already noted, the description of our sauce is meant to convey not only its temperature (adj moderately cold; neither warm nor cold) but also a certain degree of inherent desirability (Slang great, fine, excellent) that is evoked vis a vis casual associations of a relaxed and friendly atmosphere, ultimately bridging the two senses towards what is perhaps the ur-meaning from which both originated (adj imparting a sensation of moderate coldness or comfortable freedom from heat), though in pointing this out explicitly, whatever subconscious effect it may have had has been irretrievably lost...

Boondock Saints fucking sucks and anyone who likes it is my enemy and I will kill them using 8 methods

Sorry but...

WAAAARRRIORS COME OUT AND PLAY-AY!!!

So much better movie.

Compared to what? To The Boondock Saints? They are not even about the same thing. Apples and oranges man.

Does The Warriors have a Man With Ink On His Hands?

No but Night of the Hunter does, and it is pretty much better than every other movie ever.

In the context of my original post it made sense.

But yes I was trying to Compare Boondock Saints with Warriors. I found out about both movies at the same time and both movies have that b-movie cult appeal to them (at least in my eyes).

But I find The Warriors far more enjoyable.

Can you dig it?

God, I love this shit. Fuckbert Dilbert.

At first I thought Ray was talking about The Game, and thought "oh shit, I just lost The Game!" Then I saw it was about pranking other comic strip characters and was about to sigh in relief, until I realized I had still thought about and therefore lost The Game.

By the way, you just lost The Game.

Fuck The Game.

Horse Dogg Maniac is my favorite Achewood moniker

I don't think there will ever be a time that those three words don't get an automatic five.

Now this is Achewood.

No...

[IMGS OFF]

Yessss lame away gents. Lame awaayyyyy...

As I read the words "this is Achewood" and scrolled down to see a familiar avatar replying, it was as if the world had suddenly changed to slow motion. "No, falseprophet!" I screamed in a voice so distorted I hardly recognized it, as the unmistakeable outlines of a Mediterranean map began to materialize into view. "Don't do it! You have everything to live for!"

[i]I could not save him.[/]

There, there, Elbow. None of us saw it coming. There wasn't anything you could have done to stop him.

The Game is a rapper and not Dilbert? :confused:

JUST LIKE BASKETBALL.

I hope at least one of those lames was for my incorrect use of speech marks lmao

I don't know why, but I love the prank calls to other comics. I wish there were enough of these to make a book out of them.

Some who is not at work should look them up and post links to them, what, are there three? Cathy, Garfield, and ... ?

Marmaduke
Garfield
Cathy

You are a prince.

Drabble too. I do not post links sorry :( no faith in myself.

Achewood is a website

Family Circus

Hopefully asset bar has not turned me into a bathtub hooker.

No one will see this on the bottom anyway.

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