Inside the Mind of Sondra Smuckles

Inside the Mind of Sondra Smuckles 02/12/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Vans actually have come a long way in terms of public perception. She is being closed-minded.

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She also sssssspeakssssssss in ssssssssibilantsssssss.

Actually, at a distance, I thought that was Chris Rock she was having a nightmare about.

I thought it was Prince!

grace_jones_getting_stoned_in_a_van.co-

I can't do it. Not again. This joke has to stop.

I suppose that Ray's mom would approve, as long as it was the Biblical stoning that were depicted.

Unless that thing is running for president.

grace jones is low as a dirty snake

I know something else that does

Not exotic like from far-off nations, exotic like the tau neutrino.

She's exotic like from Jamaica. I don't think of Jamaica as exotic, but then I'm from Florida, where nothing from the Carribean (or Latin America) is exotic.

Exotic like martial law.

Exotic like cyclooctenecyclopentadienylmanganese dicarbonyl.

a search of google for cyclooctenecyclopentadienylmanganese dicarbonyl turns up two hits: a wikipedia page that does not exist, and a page that requires a login to see pertinent information

my god, either the world knows nothing of this chemical, or it is GOING TO DESTROY US ALL.

I should think the two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

There is nothing more ominous than a wikipedia page that does not exist.

http://www.caslab.com/Cyclooctenecyclopentadien_CAS_49716-47-4/ Not much, but apparently it exists.

Good God. I need to learn this by heart and just bust it out every now and again when I want people to go "...What?"

Exotic like a Bohemian earspoon.

I done went and animated another of my faves. Here it is:
[IMGS OFF]

I had to animate this one as well. I'm on an animating spree, and the little section with Grace Jones is wonderful
[IMGS OFF]
I posted this earlier, but it randomly disappeared, so if it ends up that I posted this twice, I apologize.

crap. Sorry guys.

I'm glad to know that, around my parts, 75% of vans are owned and driven by utility companies, car garages and small engine repairmen.

This, people, is the natural order of things. This is how things were meant TO BE.

However, an unwanted side effect of this is that too many people use pickup trucks as cars.

And too many people use cars as pickup trucks. (Oh, moving day in student housing, where else can one see a civic with a refrigerator tied on top?)

I use my pickup truck as a pickup truck. I hope this is ok.

...Are you two the sae person? Or do you just have the same icon?

They're just generic stand-in icons. Anyone who doesn't bother to edit his or her profile icon gets it.

I've always wondered what the yellow creature in it actually is. Looks kinda like a...salamander?Surrealist The Cheat?

It's a yellow bull or cow with front legs in the lower left quadrant and head in the middle of the right side. It is bellowing with its neck outstretched and its snout raised as it runs to the right.

This is EPIC.

I just noticed that jargonmaster has changed his avatar, and he is now riding a bull. Weird.

It also occurs to me that this comment may be rendered obsolete at any moment, as users can change their avatars on a whim. More easily than Onstad can move nipples, even.

Damn! I always saw it as a close-up of a person wearing a motorcyle helmet.

Look carefully. The orange parts are the helmet, the bull's horn is the person's eye, and the curve of the bull's leg forms his/her nose.

what about soccer moms?

Sounds like someone's never been VANNNIINNG!

KniiifeWrench!

Practical and safe.

For kids!

But why did you attach a fork to that power drill?

Drillfork, you can drill and fork... Mostly fork

Thank you. You've... you've turned my life around.

the only correct use of a van in which any party can participate is that of the partyvan.

My Dad has one and he uses it like a car (also he smokes).

I have learned to accept his failings.

I imagine your grandmother's heart is broken about your dad being stoned.

His grandmother is a complex woman and her heartbreak is not this easily defined, cleave.

I'm...I'm not angry with you for this.

I'm just really disappointed.

i hope nice pete puts you in his van for saying that. and for having that avatar.

don't be down on vans! you can't spell "van party" without "van!"

Vans are terrible, unless they are bought by suckin' dick.

there's nothing you can do that you can't do better with a van full of smack

I DRIVE A VAN. Do you want to re-think that comment before I tell my friends who drive PICKUP TRUCKS that you were mean to me?

Todd uses his van for a lot worse things than just a car. If you were to take a chisel and scrape off some residue from the top of his van's, maybe run one of those CSI black lights over Todd's homemade cheetah-pattern upholstery, I'm pretty sure we'd find that a brothel/meth lab/hooch-house/porn studio is a far cry worse than a van.

*car. I am just six different kinds of fucking retarded today, folks, there just ain't no getting around it

Six kinds?

He has a terrible affliction.

Several terrible afflictions.

He is not five.

There are as many flavors of retarded as there are colors of the rainbow. There's hangover-and-unable-to-calculate-the-tip retarded. There's overcaffinated-and-singing-songs-to-yourself-much-to-the-discomfort-of-your-coworkers retarded. There's tried-to-buy-toilet-paper-three-times-paid-once-and-kept-forgetting-the-fucking-thing retarded. And finally there's French Vanilla.

Well, that didn't work at all. Assetbar no likey hyphens. Let's try that again.

Ahem.

There's "hungover and unable to calculate the tip" retarded. There's "overcaffinated and singing songs to yourself, much to the discomfort of your coworkers" retarded. There's "tried to buy toilet paper three times, paid once, and then kept forgetting the fucking thing" retarded. And finally there's French Fucking Vanllia, do you fucking hear me Assetbar? Do you?

Chubbied because the first one looked fine to me.

Apparently the issue only pops up in firefox?

I'm rockin' the firefox 3 and it works fine!

I laugh, because in your attempt to correct yourself, you replaced Vanilla with Vanllia.

LOLOMGROFLMAOBBQ kthxbai

The world is a cruel and unfair place.

Word.
And yes, maybe it is a Firefox issue, because it looked good in IE but not Firefox. Also looked good in Lynx.

(I did not check Lynx.)

my first car was a van,it had a fridge and a bench that turned into a bed...i got hella stoned and laid in that beast and had a sanwich waitin for me in the fride when i was done. How is that for Van defense?

It would be careless to wed Grace Jones, unless it was a ploy to blow her up.

Another reason would be to have your mind blown by the money and the flesh. Or one or the other. Or both in addition to blowing her up. Ms. Jones is a living grab-bag.

A grab-bag that I would not want to grab. Or 'bag', for that matter.

I think Grace Jones would totally try and take a bite out of you. I can't say why. I just do.

Consumating your marriage to Grace Jones would make the night Lincoln got shot look like a peanut. A peanut, girl. A lonely little peanut.

Like a pirate in the night
I challenge your pussy to a fight
Pussy-doodle-doo
I stuck my penis
In your thoughtful vagina

Sondra Smuckles just knows.

Mr Jing's Spicy Chinese Noodles are best last at night!

oh man guys I am terrible at spelling.

That awful Grace Jones.

I liked that part as well.

She speaks with Eartha Kitt's voice

Sondra Smuckles is representative of her generation.

Old?

Grace, how do you attract a man? What I mean is, suppose you set your heart on Ray Smuckles. What would you do to get him?

"Grab him! And take him!"

Needs more Bombaata.

What is very, very scary is how the head in your avatar shakes slightly...either that, or I need new eyes.

Uh oh.

[IMGS OFF]

If you hadn't screwed up your bbcode you might have had a lot more chubbies by now.

Let this be a lesson.

lesson learned, chubby earned.

tight

I think you mean "tite".

Drinking hard liquor before dark is acceptable to Sondra.

That's an incorrect assumption; she just likes to be specific.

Exactly. If she were to say, "Raymond Quentin Smuckles! Are you doing cocaine while wearing a green shirt and flying Airwolf?," one would be ill advised to try it in a blue shirt.

As much as I like this idea, I think she actually does think it's acceptable before dark. I imagine some southern gentry partaking of a mint julep or something on the front porch, you dig?

He was drinking a bottle of Jimmy Beam because Jack Daniels does not make a rye.

A mother just knows.

Sondra is also amenable to drinking when it is half-past chablis o'thirty.

Chablis, No. Martini, yes.

There is a specific Chablis o'clock for Sonda Smuckles.

What kind of time-constuction is chablis o'thirty?

"When does the Celtics game start today? I don't know, but I know it doesn't start at seven o'thirty!"

Shame on you Ray, breaking your Mother's heart!

Is this a conversation between a man and his own avatar?
That's... WACKY!

3:30 seems to be when Ray gets up to his worst monkeyshines.

This is why Sondra always phones at 3:29, to catch him in the act.

A mother just knows

Woah, without her glasses Mother Smuckles bears a striking resemblance to Roast Beef. Is there something she's withholding??

All cats look alike without eyewear and hair and such. Except Ray, because he sold his eyes.

RACIST

SPECIST!!

:applause:

Ah, beat me to it. But then I thought about it and came to the same conclusion as zaratustra.

INQUIRING MINDS NEED TO KNOW.

Thanks for pointing this out.

If he gets portly enough, he can *have* a grandbaby. Ho ho.

The strip says "wife of Ramses." I thought they split up? Has Sondra remained married all that time? If so, is there a Sondra and Ramses reunification arc awaiting us? If not, why not?

Of course they're still married. Sondra is not some sort of bed-hopping divorcee.

Once you wed a Smuckles there's no turning back.

I don't think Ramses is the type of a man you can keep in the cage called "domestic life."

Apparently nobody is careless enough to marry That awful Grace Jones.

Last I heard she was hitched to some French kid who was like a hundred years younger than her.

Whatever God made Grace Jones out of doesn't seem to age. That don't exactly make it easy on the eyes, though...

Rays bowtie all perfectly aligned with his nipples

Man, looking back his nipples aren't aligned. They aren't aligned at all!

Perhaps a sneaky late edit of the strip by Onstad? Perhaps he was worried that bowtie-nipple alignment would blow a mind just too much?

YES.

Widespread acceptance of vans, just another one of the A-Team's many accomplishments towards the good of humanity.

And once again, the Scooby gang get no recognition, damnit.

That's because their van was hella lame. "The Mystery Machine"? Teal and lime green with flowers? If Scooby and the gang did anything to the cause of vans, it was to nearly banish them to the realm of meddling hippies and their talking dogs.

seriously, that's exactly the sort of van sondra has in mind.

No way, those kids had power. They painted "Mystery Machine" on their van, and everywhere they went, they were greeted with mysteries. And best of all, they used their power responsibly. Not once did they give in to the temptation to rename it "Sex Machine" or "Ice Cream Machine."

I must have missed the episode where they got they went to Mexico.

It's right here.

dude, i so want a van like that.

actually, i will tell of you my dream van:
a white, 1998 Dodge Caravan (y'know, the kind with the wood siding that Soccer Moms used to drive before they traded them in for the '05 Chevy Venture at a used car lot from the pretty kind and clean-smelling salesman named Robert?)

on the rear window, i would place a very, very large Rebel Insignia sticker (y'know, from Star Wars) and it would be called....

THE MILLENNIUM FALCON!!

I already have my dream van. '81 VanDura, no back or middle seats, filthy yellow-green shag carpeting and a DEVO sticker on back.

you get a chubby for that. i am giving you one.

What the hell is an aluminum falcon?

You should call up some Mormon boys from my high school in Texas. They had a van with the sides painted exactly like the Mystery Machine--complete with brown shag carpeting.

This grammar pattern is working pretty well for me so far, so...

What the hell are a bunch of Mormon high school boys going to do with a shaggin' wagon?

I guess you've never been to Texas.

I live in Texas and I don't think Mormons are particularly acceptable here. When I was a kid in church we had a video on how they were a cult who broke up families.

It depends where in Texas you are. In some parts they're grudgingly accepted; my Dallas suburb was about 1/6 Mormon. (Of course, that didn't mean that they were embraced-- the Southern Baptists still thought they were a cult-- but they were tolerated.)
Given a choice, I'll take Mormon over Evangelical to talk religion with any day of the week.

That's a real quandary to me... On one hand, the methods and attitudes of Evangelicals are unbearable to me, such as being threatened by a large Southern boy who had just shotgunned a beer that if I said "goddamn" again he would clock me, and that word should be illegal and only "disrespectful motherfuckers" used it.

The irony of the situation was lost on him.

On the other hand, you have Mormons, who believe something so illogical and strange that it almost makes my feet hurt. Also the time a Mormon lady asked me, "What part of the Bible was Jesus in, the Old or the New Testament" doesn't exactly recommend them to Christianity, whether you believe in it or not.

If I was to choose who I wanted to be trapped in an elevator with for a day, I'd choose Mormons in a heartbeat, though.

My Texas comment was a complete non sequitur. I've spent approximately two hours of my life there. To put that even further into perspective, I was in the Lubbock Airport on a layover en route to L.A., so, in truth, I've never even tasted the sweet, sweet Texas air. Add to that the fact that I was, like, eight years old and you get the idea.

Also, you're a Texan, Spiny? I'm not trying to say anything good or bad about it, but I just never had you pegged as an American. Much less a Southerner.

The world is full of surprises.

Yeah, in real life people don't believe I'm from the South. One guy said, "I thought you were from Connecticut, or at least some place where people wore scarves and shit." I guess that fits the bill?

We could have a Texas Acheworld party! (You know, because it's such a small state and all.)

And on the mormon v. evangelicals... Mormons may believe some zany things, but they also tend to be unbearably nice. I've never been called a heathen by a Mormon-- can't say the same for Southern baptists.

Yeah, there's only a handful of us in here. Here, stand up, I'll stand up too. Do you see me? I'm tall, my shirt is bluish, sort of like faux-denim, I guess. Waving?

Oh yeah, I'm in Austin, just for reference's sake.

Maybe when I'm back in Dallas and drive down to see my friends in Austin, I'll see you waving. It'll be a couple months though-- hope your arm doesn't get tired.

All people who wear scarves and shit can totally speak correctly.

Every time you speak on the phone with your mother while high, it break her heart.

[i]becaue she knows[i]

noooooo!

Your regret is simply delicious.

This great moment in avatar/comment synergy brought to you by the McD.L.T.

New McD. *clap clap* L.T!

No, she just turned to my sister and said, "Well he actually sounded cheerful! Good for him!"

If you never do anything but vice, she will definitely catch you doing the stereotypical ones. But are these all the vices she can imagine, or has Onstad self-censored all of a sudden? There's the somnonanism, the boning (but not lately), the unsavory cake fetish, the hiring of self-mutilating serial killers to scare children, the bribing of public officials to avoid punishment for aforementioned vices, the drinking of really bad tea....

I guess a mother doesn't really know as much as she thinks she does.

Also, Ray's mother would not fall for Historical Moviefone.

"Thank you for calling Historical Moviefone! I understand you might be interested in 'A View to a Kill?' You have won seven dollars, please hold."

Now I'm asking myself who really had it worse growing up. Beef or Ray? I guess it depends on your personal idea of hell.

I would take Sondra over Circumstances any day.

I concur.

You can deny it; it makes it no less true. This comic illustrates that Ray was constantly henpecked throughout his entire childhood - and beyond. It's not like Gramma K. is calling Roast Beef on the phone to tell him to stay away from ditches. He got out. Ray cannot.

Go to bed, Lawbot.

Professor, ignoring your problems will not make them go away.

You've certainly proved that, Lawbot.

So, you're going to start taking your pills again?

*Ignore User*

There's no funny follow up to that. I hope the professor can overcome his demons himself.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you both for making my inbox three wonderful pages longer. And it's also cool that I get three copies of each catty remark!

Thank you!

No problemo! You may feel an even closer bond with me when you hear that I also experience the exact same inbox phenomenon, particularly as you will hear it three times.

Oh God. I have reached my final act.

I honestly can't tell which offense is worse. I'm torn, but I lamed it for good measure.

Yea, it was pretty bad, dude. Sorry.

You know, for a while there in the "Ray was rich as fuck as a kid and Beef ate kleenex sandwiches if he was lucky" series of comics, Ray's mom sounded sort of like some Cosmopolitan bitch. The only store she knew was Neaman Marcus and she bought her kid the nine dollar pizza pocket with seven foot layers of packaging.

But originally she was just some homespun lady who just thought that if Ray is true to his own self then the good Lord will provide. Seems like Sondra is more this version of Ray's momma.

It's nice that Onstad knows not to give a fuck and make up shit like an Infinite Crisis or whatever the hell for continuity's sake. I don't know who you are or who you thought you were before, but this Achewood, and in Achewood a long arc in which a demonic banjo drags a closeted gay down a street can suddenly be interrupted with baby info and pictures of cocktails, weenie dogs, and sketches, and you will just have to fucking manage.

I'd rather be entertained than nitpick continuity all the time.

Except in the Simpsons. What happened to Marge's chain of gyms for women? And all that money that came with it? They never lost it, so they should be loaded. Yeargh!

There was one recently that really pissed me off - everyone knows the Simpsons don't age, but they also know that Marge and Homer met in high school in the 70's... But in this recent episode apparently Homer was a kid in the 90's and started a famous grunge band that was a huge hit.

I know most of the writers grew up watching the Simpsons, so they're basically kids, but still, you should at least fucking try.

Goddamn it. It is just so irritating.

Huh. I liked that episode. Continuity be damned, I say.

Yeah, looking back on my comment, I sound like I have a serious assache of nerd rage about that... But I still find it a little perplexing as the Simpsons practically pre-date grunge as it is.

I saw that, and had the same thought, but then i realized that comic books do the same damn thing all the time. Every once in awhile, they gotta reestablish that Batman was a kid at the right time to be thirty today (In ten years, he will have grown up with the Power Rangers and Pokemon). Hell, James Bond did some similar stuff with the last movie. (Connery Bond would have no idea why he'd be bashed in the nuts for a computer password, but this takes place at the beginning of his career). Like it or not, the Simpsons have been around long enough for a retcon to be necessary, just to establish that the family is experiencing things in 2008 instead of 1995.

Also, I just thought it was a good episode.

Good point. Also, I just can't wrap my tv-stunted imagination around Connery getting bashed in the nuts, for ANY reason.

This has been exactly my take on Achewood for some time. I love the same thing about it that I love about Krazy Kat (well, there are differences too, of course) -- it's a comic strip! You're not fettered to reality at all, take advantage of it! I don't mind seeing the evolution of characters, and I don't even mind seeing Chris play with characters at the expense of continuity.

Achewood is a crazy, crazy train, and we are all just passengers.

Echoing this sentiment, but also, I don't think that there's a strong contradiction between the old and new evidence about Ray's mom. I think it's pretty plausible that she was simply very wealthy and liked to dote on her child and shop very upscale while at the same time maturing into a more "conservative" incarnation. Actually it seems to occur naturally in real life fairly often, come to think of it. Don;t you agree? It might not even be Onstad changing his vision so much as just deciding what direction things eventually went it.

Roast Beef's mother shot his abusive father.

HAVE SOME PERSPECTIVE.

More than any other Achewood character, Sondra Smuckles reminds me of "Bloom County." Can't put my finger on why.

Her hair is vaguely reminiscent of Michael Binkley's.

[IMGS OFF]

That's the first thing that popped into my head, anyway.

There's also some resemblance here:

[IMGS OFF]

OK. Now if someone could combine Binkley, Oliver and Bill the Cat, we'd be in business. Where's the Photoshop guy?

Oliver? No no no, it's definitely Milo-esque glasses.

[IMGS OFF]
FUN FACT: Google Image Search turns up absolutely no good pictures of Milo Bloom, try as you may.

I think Chris Onstad said it best: "When Google can't do something, it's like being tied down and watching your dad get beat up."

Citation Needed

I thought of Milo first, but intensive Googling yielded such a dearth of good results that it led me to question my own instincts. But now I'm looking through a bunch of actual strips and it's just striking. I'd post some particularly uncanny matches, but I don't have a scanner.

your avi made this itself:
[IMGS OFF]

woo, mspaint.exe ftw!

Oh man. Someone needs to animate this with a little "Whaaat?" in the upper right corner.

I also think this is the first Achewood in which a cat says "ACK."

"Bloom County" was the greatest print comic of all time, and "Achewood" is the greatest web comic of all time. There, I said it.

It isn't a deep bench for either of these contests. It's either Bloom County or Calvin and Hobbes or the Far Side. I would go with Bloom County, too, but it is close.

I don't know. Bloom County had its moments, and it was certainly one of the most unique and interesting strips overall. But large swaths of the comics were just not that entertaining. I think Calvin and Hobbes wins both in peak quality and consistency. Far Side was excellent, but I can't really compare it to Calvin and Hobbes. It's just a different thing.

I'll go with Bloom County, if only for the fact that it was the one and only reason that I had any semblance of political awareness when I was seven years old.

I hear that. Most of what I know about American history in the 70s I know from my dad's old Bloom County and Doonesbury books.

Me too, dude. Me too. Did you get into Hunter S. then when you got older?

A little. Really, though, I'm probably less politically minded now than I was when I was seven. Now I just get high and watch baseball.

Baseball!

Pitchers and catchers report today!

Baseball!!!

Holy shit. That reminds me, I need to buy something for baseball season.

Yeah, I always try to buy a fresh bong for the new season, too.

The old bong will do. It's what goes in in that I need. Haven't had any since the last Padres game last year.

If you're a Padres fan, it seems like the result of the last game of the '07 season would have required not bong rips, but strong, brown liquor and lots of it. I have no love for them and it was hard for even me to witness.

A little, but not as much as you'd think, actually. I need to get on that.

No no no silly people, the top 5 comics of time are:
Little Nemo
Krazy Kat
Pogo
Calvin and Hobbes
Achewood
(chronological order maintained, ranking irrelevant)
Bloom County falls around 7 or 8, by my reckoning. And no, I will not tell you the other 2 or 3.

Thanks for setting us straight. Now we know we were wrong.

Missing: Peanuts and Thimble Theater.

Super right-ons for remembering Walt Kelly who was sublime.

I'm just gonna chime in at the long end of this chain of comments to say I'm glad to see the Bloom County love, as I am far better informed about the world than I would have been without reading that comic as a child. Calvin and Hobbes did wonders for my vocabulary, but Bloom County really made 10 year old me think about the world.

And yaaaaay baseball coming back!

Foxtrot never gets any recognition.

Foxtrot needs to go away. It used to be funny, but Amend has really been phoning it in the last few years. It's sad, really.

No comment.

foxtrot has always seemed mediocre. better than the majority of stuff on the comics pages, but never great. the art is lazy and the writing is formulaic. i like it, but i wouldn't praise it. like AC/DC.

The art is lazy? What about Achewood? It's funny as hell, but it doesn't win the award for dynamic and eye popping artwork.

Yes it does.

I see "Outstanding online comic", not "outstanding artist".

Yeah, I know. But you're the guy who's trying to defend Foxtrot on Assetbar. I guess I sort of applaud your cojones, but you don't have a hell of a lot of leverage, you know?

yeah, individual characters in achewood are copied and pasted, but
a) the facial expressions are always treated with care, particularly eyebrows; whereas characters in foxtrot have like four stock facial expressions
b) different characters look completely different; whereas the only distinguishing elements of foxtrot characters are height, hair, and glasses

i'm not saying achewood has the most impressive art around, but i think it's much better than foxtrot's

Fair enough.

THE FAR SIDE

The phrase "There, I said it" is typically reserved for saying something that isn't already the opinion of the overwhelming majority (I mean the majority of your chosen forum, rather than the majority of everyone).

Jesus, what was I even replying to?

get that off of my screen

Why are you so angry at the Internet, neonfreon?

the internet raped and murdered my first wife, two weeks after our honeymoon. you'd be angry at it too, dovey.

I was in nam with the internet. The internet raped a bear. AND THAT BEAR WAS MY FATHER.

i hear the internet was the inspiration for the VCs infamous "series of tunnels", plz advise

The VC is not a truck!

They do, however, have a series of tu--

Oh that joke was made.

I think it might be because her hair looks like Binkley's.

15 seconds too slow, playa.

Face is drawn almost exactly like Bill the Cat, sans tongue.

This strip hits too close to home for me. Onstad you are a poetic wizard of truth, but sometimes you can be too truthful...

... Mother, this is my friend. We are going into the city in his van. No, we aren't going to do drugs. Don't worry, we'll drive caref- I know I know but it's only seven- What? Yes I- Yes I know and- I love you too. I will. No, the van is fine, see?

She'd also like me to find a nice Jewish girl.

I hear you. My Mom wants me to find a nice Jewish girl, too, but we're not even Jewish.

Hey now. Mrs. Smuckles is a very dignified lady. She just wants what's best for her baby.

Is it just me or did this moviesteal its plot from this strip?

There's a movie in which Diane Lane plays a wizard who eats a coelacanth?

about time

Don't let the term "cat-and-mouse" fool you.

Ray once dug a swimming pool on the site of an old sitcom writers' burial ground.

Since that day, when-so-ever Ray mouths a pious sentiment, an acquaintance's STRANGE VOICE will barge in, giving him the lie. An evergreen gag formula from Hell.

This strip reminds me a whole lot of the story "what goes through my mind when i'm home alone (from my mom's perspective" from the book ant farm by simon rich. An excerpt: "Hmmm, Mom left me home alone. Better go through the medicine cabinet and drink all the medicine for no good reason. Wait, what's this? A note telling me not to 'drink any medicines'? Thank God! I was about to do that. I was about to drink all the medicines and kill myself because I'm retarded... Ah, dinnertime. There's a tupperware container full of pasta in the fridge, but it's cold! How will I ever heat it up? I guess I'll just starve and die because I'm not competent to warm pasta. Whoa! A note telling me to put the container in the microwave and press EASY MINUTE! Thanks, note! You saved my life! I hope that when my mom comes home she asks me some very specific, humiliating questions about my changing body."

What's that?
You have a second device which can also tell if he is in Puberty?
Awesome!

If a mother really does just know...then I'm completely fucked

She also knows you're swearing right now

A wife Just Knows, too. It's how they train to be mothers.

Why Grace Jones and David Bowie isn't married yet is beyond me. Where is she now, anyway? If only there were a website where I could learn the answer to things like this

This is just a hunch, but they're probably not married because Bowie is married to a hot African supermodel.

Also, why do you think they need to be married? I'm not trying to be a cock, I actually just don't get what you mean.

Androgynous weirdos bumping uglies is something that the internet demands to see?

Yep, spinynorman got it right. I don't know why I felt that these androgynous weirdos should be married for this ugly-bumping to be right, though. It was late.
And I know about Iman, tekende...But Miss Jones somehow seems more...right, you know? Calling her 'miss', 'cause I still haven't found that website, dang.

MAN ALSO JONES IS BOWIE'S REAL LAST NAME

DUN DUN DUNNNNN

Dude. You're right. WHOAAAA.

Referring to her as Miss Jones is perfect for her role in Achewood, because it goes with "The Devil in Miss Jones." Which I'm pretty sure Grace Jones did not appear in.

I love every second of Sondra Smuckles' existence.

I'm still waiting for a look into the twisted mind of Liebot.

He hates humanity and all it has created, yet he cannot take direct action against it due to Asimov's three laws. He lies because it is the only way he can harm those around him.

Or he could just be a bit of an asshole, I'm not entirely sure

His lies rarely do harm, though. Other than his "saddest thing" responses, usually his lies to Phillipe make the little guy happy and/or excited.

Even when he (in the guise of Ray's uncle) shot Beef, that helped bring Beef & Molly together.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm starting to turn around on this whole Lie Bot fellow.

RAYMOND IS READING THAT AWFUL BOOK ABOUT COLLEGE DARES FROM THE '20s AGAIN! A mother just knows

RAYMOND IS GETTING A CABLE-TV RELATED TEMPORARY TATTOO AGAIN! a mother just knows

RAYMOND IS PAYING FOR A MENTALLY RETARDED PERSON'S BREAKFAST! He's such a good boy

I was never sure why Ray went to hell for slapping a $20 on the table and saying "hey, kid - no retard should pay to eat." He was just being Ray. Judging by your comment, Sondra obviously approves.

By the way, I wasn't sure if I should search using the keywords 'retarded' or 'breakfast'. There are 30 results for 'breakfast' and 24 results for 'retarded'. 'Retarded' is the better keyword to use if you were trying to find this comic again.

The idea is that he was calling him "retarded" instead of "mentally disabled". Or that you can go to hell for ANYTHING.

Whatever higher power assigns Achewood's animals their respective afterlives presumably felt that Ray's behaviour was patronising towards people with learning difficulties. The dude meant well, but like they say, good intentions are a road surface ideally suited to the Subaru Brat.

Come on Ray! You know that your mom knows when you've been getting up to mischief, just don't answer the phone afterwards! Goddamn man, PAY ATTENTION!

why is your profile pic every high school gym teacher on vacation ever?

Why is your profile pic Vladimir Putin giving me some straight talk right before he beats the shit out of me with judo?

I know I always go to Sears portrait studio when I'm on vacation.

I thought rapists and people who use vans as cars were the same thing...

That's rapists and people who use vans as bedrooms. Or dungeons.

Man, we know a tiny black squirrel who ain't afraid to freebase Ajax off of a Van Halen CD in a flophouse that's got parasites that have their own secret hive-handshake. He got a van that was either the result of stork death or cumulative years of dick suckin'.

We didn't have to hear about rape to know that vans were for some Dubious Motherfuckers.

*jive handshake. Damn.

I dunno, I think parasites would have a hive-handshake.

That does seem logical.

Even with fucking Firefox, my brain somehow manages to foul up the simplest shit, like a freshman trying to get off a frontsies bra. I can avoid every goddamn typo in the book, but every once in a while I just type words that have nothing to do with trouser funk scrotal sunbeam please, tomorrow.

Nooo my Chubbies, where have they gone?

The mental image and sound of Stephen Fry saying "jive handshake" was nearly enough to destroy my capacities altogether. Thank you for this.

no, i prefer hive handshake - it's what happens after too much Ajax.

Knowing the "hive handshake" is how you get access to the Queen Bees before the tickle-harvest.

I just got a tattoo today and My mother called my house and yelled at me about it. I swear that woman is psychic.

Before Sondra calls, there are an infinite number of universes in which Ray gets up to all kinds of shenanigans. Then all the possibilities collapse into one misbehavior. Ray's raw life proves quantuam theory.

Yes. Fived.

In the dream, "Grace, may I take your hand in holy matrimony?" was actually the opening line of a conversation between the two upon a chance meeting.

FIVED
I think I peed because I laughed so hard.

Guessssss who's coming to dinner?

It's Grace Jones and Raymond! And Raymond is wearing his crown at the dinner table.

"Ssssondra? Do you have any sssssalsssssa to go on thissssssssssteak?"

Gasp Huff Pff

The ssssssssssteak mussssssssst sssssssssssizzle.

You learn how to worry when you marry a man like Ramses.

Who wants to speculate about whose strange voice that is informing Ray of his killing of Jimmy Beam?

Teodor or T-T-T-Todd, I'm betting.

Lyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyle!!!!!!

Lyle. And don't think you'll be seeing any of that twenty again.

Hmmm. Beef seems like the fatalistic type to refer to the "Cork and Cask" as the "Cork and Casket" (like Ray calls that one Mexican place "El Guapo"), but he would not be a strange voice to Sondra. Todd certainly isn't afraid to drive drunk, but he would try to hit Ray up for at least a hundy and keep the change. Lyle is a likely suspect; he calls Mr. Beam by a familiar name, and expresses the right amount of distress at his passing. But is he the man of action who would volunteer to procure a replacement, or would he pin the $20 and his ID to Philippe's shirt and send him instead? It's a head-scratcher.

But what about Beef's drunk voice? Would that mystify Sondra? Think about it.

i think this strip proves that sondra is never mystified, she always knows.

Obviously written by someone who had a mother!

Furthermore, who else thinks Grace Jones is hot? Do you have to be careless to marry her?

chick that can give birth to perfume bottles per eddie murphy's command...whats not to love?

Sondra Smuckles apparently spends all her time thinking about Ray. Ray handles her overbearing affection pretty gracefully though.

Well, la-de-frikkin'-da!

I am bothered that Ms. Smuckles has no headboard on her bed. Maybe her secret shame is that she sleeps in a van.

Your avatar made me smile.

"Raymond is smoking! A mother just knows."

truer words man, truer words

Vans are cool vehicles. Not minivans though. The Volkswagen vans of the eighties and earlier. Those were sweet.

Is Little Nephew not Sondra's grandbaby? Or is she just counting grandbabies from Ray?

I don't know what the problem is. Grace Jones doesn't seem that evil to me... oh... wait:

[IMGS OFF]

RUN! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!!!!

OMIGOD WHAT IS THAT??

WHY IS THAT

She's learned how to distend her jaw in order to swallow large prey whole. I'm afraid there is no hope for mankind, now.

She looks like the chick off of V when she ate the hamster. All mouth three times too big.

Grace Jones usually eats animals about the size of a house cat, but larger food items are not unknown: she has been known to take down adult Deer and Gazelle. Prey is swallowed whole, and may take anywhere from several days or even weeks to fully digest. Despite her intimidating size and muscular power, Grace Jones is generally not dangerous to humans.

Also, any last shred of boyhood innocence. She eats that, too.

Does she puke up the bones and hooves and antlers?

Or does she just say "Fuck it!" and digest them too?

I would chubby you, but I'm simpley too afraid!

Holy fuck! Thanks a lot, now I can't open the hall closet for a damn month at least!

I saw that in Tower Records up in Dublin on Saturday, I didn't really know how to feel about the album actually existing.

[IMGS OFF]

Man. I fuckin' hate Grace Jones.

Doesn't Sondra already have a grandbaby?

I think Little Nephew is Ramses Luther's grandbaby, but not Sondra's. We already know that Ray has one half-brother, Dornheim, and there probably are many other half-siblings out there. And one of those half-siblings probably is a parent of Little Nephew.

I don't know quite how to tell you this, Little Nephew, but your paternal grandfather, well, he was basically the Thomas Edison of gettin' his bone on.

He achieved this perfect spiral... scientists are still figuring it out OH GOD WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.

Or he could just be some random kid that Ray calls Little Nephew and isn't blood related to Ray at all. I mean, let's face it. Roast Beef? Not really Roast Beef.

Also, everyone calls Little Nephew Little Nephew. He even has shirts with L.N. on them.

I've always thought that L.N. was secretly ray's child.

though i could be horribly wrong.

the chinese food in achewood always sounds so good mmm

Did anyone else read the Ray misbehaving chart section in the order of: smoking, drinking, fatting?

yes

LAME PARTY.

Let's show Assetbar how lame things can get!

Woo!

We going to do MUCH LAMES AT THIS PLACE.

Is the mother lamed out?
No
Then lame the mother out!

"Riazm and Catgrl131 walked into the standard room at Motel 6. "Awww Yeah," Riazm yelled, "We gonna lame it up in THIS place! WHO WANTS TO GET THEIR LAME ON!"
Catgrl131 munched on some Chicken McNuggets and did a jaegerbomb. "Awww HELLZ yeah," she answered. "Let's get Manflesh up here and show this room just how lame things can get!"

As deeply as I want to chubby this, it is a lame train...

i'm so sorry

Well, exqueeze me, Assetbar, aren't we being indecisive. How can I be too 'Friendly', yet still you tell me to Do Something Nice For A Change? WTFX0RZ is that?!
GRAR!!!!!!

I think you need to re-evaluate your concept of necessity, at least as regarding a webcomic about stuffed animals and talking cats. Also, it's pretty evident that the strip is just as much about Ray as it is about his mom. Besides, I always liked the minor characters better than the main ones (oh how I miss Mr. Cropes).

It's the Simpsons formula.

Minor Characters = Awesome.

Reason being: you don't have to develop them as much. And then when you do develop them, it makes the audience feel like they're learning some special secret history.

wow, what happened to all the lames? I have not given you one because i think it is rad to have opinions, but I would definitely expect about 35 of those little suckers in twelve hours. Maybe it's too low on the page.

You seem to forget that a couple of "minor characters" eventually became the focus of the strip.

I wanted to chubby you, but I am all out :(

I would not be happy if this comic became focused on Ray's Mom.

I think this one is more about Ray than his Mom. I personally love the idea that she can sense his peccadilloes from across town.

If Ray drives off a cliff he will be okay, he may need a Japanese liver replacement, but he's about due for one right about now anyway.

After all, his foie gras looks like a damn brillo pad.

It's been too long since the last flowchart. This is definitely my favorite kind of strip, though it's nearly impossible to top "A Bit of Nice Pete".

Mr. Jing's sure is open late.

Missing panel: RAYMOND IS RUNNING FOR PUBLIC OFFICE! A mother just knows

God I love Ray's mom.

lol the ending is gold, pure gold

A little off-topic but about these chips http://rbeef.blogspot.com/2005/12/i-could-not-eat-chips-i-wanted-so-bad.html Anyone any idea if these are real or not? They're probably not available in Ireland anyway.

They are probably real. I'm pretty sure I've seen/heard of that brand before.

Tom's of Maine? They do natural deodorants, soaps, etc. I'm pretty sure that they don't do food.

I made the mistake of buying Tom's toothepaste once. That was some NASTY stuff - and I usually go all in for the organic stuff, all sold to me by some Whole Foods employee wearin' a black mesh thong.

I think maybe he might have been conflating the Tom's of Maine organic hygiene line with Tim's Cascade, which are some damn fine chips.
[IMGS OFF]

Dang thanks. Still can't get them in Ireland. Guess I'll have to settle for hunky dory's and brewed cokes...

Man, I feel your pain. I'm on exchange in tokyo, and I can't find them here either. When I get back to Seattle, though, I'll be happy to mail some out to any interested parties. No one should go through life without ever trying these chips. No one.

Chubby for offering! I was going to see if I could get them off their website here but I don't know if they ship to Ireland but I'm seriously considering this offer...

YESSS BBcode, we have tangled but I won!

Woo! You tell 'em!

Holy crap! Their site says they export to Japan? I have yet to find any here!

I won't be back in Seattle until late August/ early Spetember, but if you haven't managed to procure them by then, let me know. I'm always in favor of aiding others on Epic Quests :)

I have made my first friend on assetbar. Also, apparently I've been to friendly on this page.
assetbar: a double edged sword

Is the mother turned out?

Yes.

Can we put some heat under the sucker?

re: teodor's blog
oh to be wet-nursed by thora birch!!!

Seconded there!!! We'll let someone else post a certain two-word, four-letters-per-word Achewood clich� and get severely lamed.

NICE BOOB?

Close!

FINE BUST!

AGREEABLE MAMMARIES!

AMPLE BOSOMS?

KING PISS!

Wait, does 'wet-nursed' not mean what I think it does?

Better-than-average Lactation-glands

hyphenated in order to finesse the "two word" requirement

Sometimes you need a little Finesse...

...sometimes you need a lot! By Mennen.

re: Teodor's blog. Some god damn beautiful prose in there... even when Onstad is being offensive it's still subtly crafted. You can just imagine the silver haired, educated conservative who secretly imagines himself a modern day prophet.

william f buckley, jr. loosens his tie, and begins another fruitful evening as christopher onstad. he snarks to himself, "vidal: 1, buckley: 4"

"If this van's a rockin, I'm doing coke to Dokken."

Best use of a van I've heard yet.

Think of all of the virtue that has been corrupted in the back of vans........(especially Todd's).

This is a good strip. That said, I remember writing a long time ago about how dumbrella, where the old achewood forum used to be, wasn't so bad. I got lamed about it and some folks were all, 'no man, it was shit', 'the whole thing went to hell', etc. I couldn't remember when it went downhill, I think I stopped going there for awhile but still read the strip. Unfortunately, it seems like assetbar is starting to, although not fully, slip back again to awhile back when it was just... retarded here for about a month.

Uhm.

I had a bad day and a lot to drink. What I'm trying to say, I think, is everyone just chill out and enjoy reading achewood because that's why we're all here. If we hated it, we certainly wouldn't have signed up for an account, and if we think a strip is bad, stating a reason or a critique shouldn't be considered an asshole move. This is also the internet and is generally where we all go to forget that all we do is sit in cubicles or draw pictures all day so please lets carry on.

You have a voice of reason, but unfortunately this is the Internet.

Voices of reason have no place on the internet unfortunately. Their home was destroyed in one of the many Viking/Ninja/Pirate wars, so they must roam the land as nomads. Nomadic Voices of Reason.

you are all beautiful lovely people and I love you to death

even when you seem not to be mindful of good sense

[IMGS OFF]

Ray is just trying to defend vans cause he's high and feeling kind. When he's drunk and vengeful, this is what happens:

[IMGS OFF]

I'm glad I saved my chubbies this time.

Your avatar was one of the best sacriligeous punchlines ever, and that's saying a lot.

Sacrilegious... or sacrilicious?

It looks so peaceful.

i found reading this one to be like the time i took lsd and played snakes and ladders in hell with tony soprano's mother.

Grace Jones is THE succubus. Her vaginal walls would just clamp down on your helpless weenie and she'd drag the tiny amount of male essence that your pathetic weakling fathers hath bequeathed you.

You'd be left a babbling eunuch with glazed eyes, dribbling in the corner.

a 5 for the inclusion of grace jones alone

a mother just knows!

I'm confused, is Ray able to have children or not. First you hear vasectomy, then everyone's talking about him having children. Just a question about something I may have missed.

Man, fuck rays mom.

I hate her the most of all the characters. Vans are awesome and they always will be. God damnit.

[IMGS OFF]

SSSSSSSONDRA! I'M MARRYING YOUR BABY, SSSSSSSSONDRA!

I'm sure somebody has mentioned it, but doesn't Todd drive a van? And we all know how high class he is.

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