The Joys of Formula One

The Joys of Formula One 03/18/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Next he'll master ironic misdirection and the slow-release triple entendre

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I love it when things got broken down to their expressible formulas... Such dirty fun.

My god! I thought I was the only one!

Primus tells a joke, and Secundus, laughs, and I give a big fake belly-laugh, and exclaim "IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE XYZ"

Oh dude, hella shady comma splice there.

My, wife, is in a comma.

Well, the life support machine called, and...

So did the jerk store! Good Seinfeld reference dogg.

"I'M GOING WITH JERK STORE! JERK STORE IS THE LINE!"

Given the choice of punctuation to be a part of, I'd go the indie underappreciated route and be a semi-colon.

no way, apostrophe is the way to go

Interrobang?

Nah. Semi-colons are a serious geek fixation. We can't get enough of them. Hipsters wouldn't go anywhere near them.

I would't fuck a semicolon if you paid me to.

...yes i would.

You should start looking for ladies who have had intestinal resectioning surgery to help with Crohn's disease. That will get you what you desire.

Dude, you know what I desire.

A woman covered in sriracha?

Hot.

Conversations with her must really drag along.

Quote:

Primus tells a joke, and Secundus, laughs, and I give a big fake belly-laugh, and exclaim "IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE XYZ"

I don't recall that happening in Stardust at all, man.

Neil Gaiman gets a perma-chubby from me. Good work!

You should probably see a doctor about that. I hear Messrs. Croup and Vandemar have some connections...

That is exactly what I immediately thought of as well.

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE ASSETBAR IS SHIT

But it's all right to be racist against assetbar.

*gasp*

you can't say nigger

Watch this video and the word will never be the same. It is the ONLY word everyone uses:

Japan Nigger Family tokyo breakfast
...A Japaneses family acting black. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-19ioGniZ88

Actually not the only word, that must have been something else I saw, or maybe it was edited out of this skit. Anyway, it's great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-19ioGniZ88

*gasp*

you can't say nigger

And here you just said it twice

Everybody stop saying nigger!

Being afraid of it isn't going to make it go away.

See it's funny because while you're telling everybody to stop saying "nigger," you are also making use of the word "nigger," thereby contradicting the ostensible purpose of your statement.

I feel that this "It's funny because" meme is played out. I'm sorry that I've participated in it. Can we all agree to make aikenubbles' use the last hurrah?

Please?

Stop saying nigger Vladimir Putin

It is so unbecoming of a man of your stature

you only get a chubby if you say it twice.

They cancel each other out, see.

Nigger please.

*~* This thread is Black Man-approved. *~*

It is a great relief to know this.

Awesome. I planned to feel hella guilty.

Skradley, I've noticed something about the comments on today's strip. A lot of otherwise good (or even average) posts are getting about with 2 Lames on them. Now, I haven't gone so far as to actually see if it's the same people (fuck that effort), but I certainly have my suspicions that there are dicks among us.

"There are Dicks Among Us"

Potential movie or book titles tend to pop out at me from all the wrong places.

and so do the dicks

DICKS, no...CLITS yes!

I get the feeling that a lot of these people are just getting some deep, dark shit off their chests, at this point. But I guess it's better to do it here than out on the street.

Quote:

...these people are...getting some deep, dark shit off their chests...

...it's better to do it here than out on the street.

Hilarious.

Is it?

Or disturbing, depending on what you're into.

I'm pretty sure if you ever make another post just to talk about how you got lamed, that post will inevitably receive more lames than the first.

This is the 4th Principle of Laming.

I keep misreading sociological as scatological, I think there's something wrong with me but in my defense rowboat's comment is pretty raunchy

Numbers or letters, man. Choose one.

naw, man. "an assetbar hero is something to be"

Jealous assetbar.

It's only rascist if you don't mean it.

Is that like racist plus fascist?

I would've thought such a political creature would always mean it.

I tried italics the first time.

sighhhh

I'll take "the rapists" for $400, Alex

I was this close to getting a licence plate that read "THERPST"

"...For example, I like to call my therapist 'the-rapist.' Because 'I' don't take it ser-iouslyyy."

Maria Bamford 4 Lyfe.

Personally I prefer a combo analyst and therapist. You know, an analrapist.

I quite literally laughed out loud.

I metaphorically laughed out loud.

I virtually danced a jig.

My Hobby:

Torturing those who say 'literally' to mean 'figuratively'.

You did not just literally explode from eating that burrito bitch!

you llol?

In Spanish speaking countries, you would pronounce this "yol" I yol quite frequently.

[IMGS OFF]

hey brother-in-law

AD reference = insta-chubby.

Blueloggy... You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you%u2019re going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.

GOD DAMN YOU ASSETBAR! How hard is it to process an apostrophe?

Assetbar punishes those who are too lazy to type. Really, is it necessary to cut and paste as few as two sentences?

Psycho, the rapist

I love that strange, tiny little woman.

I love the Bammer!

I'm sorry this comment was so lame! I will try harder!

haha! I've totally seen a white panel-van with 'Child Therapist' painted across the side.

Why would a child therapist need a van? If someone's going around practising child therapy in the back of a van, maybe you should be worried.

He meant a "child the rapist", kind of like you Brits would say "advanced the calculus".

You have earned one (1) Virtual chubby!

You can trade in virtual chubbies at the Achewood shop for No-Prizes! Use them to defeat Ganondorf!

more zelda! more zelda!

*~* This thread is Nintendo Nerd-approved. *~*

Or perhaps "very ginger beer."

Well, Australia is a big place. Perhaps it's like the flying doctors, but less urgent.

And with more gelato.

Is that a The Late Show reference?

"Flying doctors" gets a chubby for me because I have no idea what the hell it is supposed to mean.

Wait, does having a medical license grant one the ability of flight in Australia?

80 years ago in 1928, a crack medical unit was sent to medical prison for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Australian outback. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as Doctors of the Air. If you have a medical problem, if no one else can help, and if they can find you, maybe you can recieve, free of charge, the services of... The Royal Flying Doctor Service of Australia.

The big black one is terrified of walking on the ground.

I felt the need to both chubby and type your praises. Well done.

farqussus,

V-Chub. V-Chub so hard

I love it when a chubby comes together.

...Like butt cheeks.

The scary thing is... these guys are all over 100 years old.

If I had a million chubbies, they would all be for you.

BECAUSE AUSTRALIAN DOCTORS LIKE TO GET HIGH

And somewhere between the analyst and the therapist . . .

Dammit. I guess I didn't look hard enough to see if someone had already said it.

Fuck that shit. There are nearly 500 comments, and counting.

Something needs to be done.

I guess in order to make up for what probably looks like super racism I should state that, during the production of my school play in the twelfth grade, I actually invented a proxy character named Danforth Q. Huxtable, Racist Southern Lawyer. I would essentially launch into lengthy monologues as if people I was talking to were a jury and I was defending people accused of awful crimes against anyone who wasn't a pure-bred Anglo-Saxon. You know, good ol' boys, who love their mommas.

Generally when I say something like this, it is in the persona of Danforth Q. Huxtable, Racist Southern Lawyer.

And I thought I couldn't love you more.

The name of your racist lawyer is Huxtable? You must be a Michael Eric Dyson reader.

I always figured Johnny C was a proxy character for whatever witless dullard you actually were in real life.

In college, my friends and I thought "Hey I wonder what Sean Connery's really like? When you cut away all the glitz and glamour and you're left with just a man?" And we said, "You know what? He'd probably be anti-semitic."

And So We Did.

I dunno about anti-semitic, but he's of a mind that one should keep a woman in her place with slaps. Of the closed fist variety.

And he has to be hella yellin' about the abuse ):

It's okay though because the women he slaps are totally overtaken by his swarthy oldguy charm and dig it anyway.

No wait it is never okay to hit a lady ever. Unless you're a lady yourself. Or she has a knife.

Dammit now I can think of like half a dozen reasons to hit a lady.

She tried to murder you and your entire crew by faking a marriage, overriding your spaceships controls, and piloting it through an electric ion gate thing?

virtual chubby for mentioning sean 'slap a bitch' connery. i laugh thinking about the fact that he says "babyshitter", and "shituation" and is none the wiser.

And three black people with underdeveloped senses of humor lamed you.

Or just people who are way too P.C. for their own good.

Probably the latter.

It's funny both because it's a retelling of the joke, and also because it humiliates the listener. When you get older I'll explain it to you.

In case your lame filter is set too low, this comment was:

"Yeah, I love ruining the humor by reminding why it's funny in retarded detail. I'm serious."

Can't figure out why it was multi-lamed.

Mostly because it was lame

This comment heralds a deluge of broken, signless equations thanks to the cruel wont of assetbar. I'm looking forward to it.

I've even possibly invented a new type of music, Math-capella. In which the pattern of rounds to be sang be the people in the group can be expressed through formula. If this already exists I will be both distraught and happy that it exists and probably better.

You and Schoenberg should get together on that one. It could be interesting to use a short, not necessarily atonal prime series for the parts and then add a property to the row describing how many times to repeat it (that would go under similar transformations as the tones). You could probably get something pretty interesting without too much trouble :) I heard a piece once where several arpeggios of different length were played by different instruments as fast as possible for a certain number of seconds... not exactly a round, but quite similar.

there is a song i have found, by Conlon Nancarrow, that is in the time signature of e/pi.

O the joys of discovering Conlon Nancarrow! I played a player piano piece of his for a 2-hour radio show of "classical" music A-Z. He's one of the few N composers (Nielsen is another).

Johannes Ockeghem was another happy find.

Hawking Motion Perspiration = Humor

Do your worst, Assetbar!

Here... (Hawking)(Motion)(Perspiration)= Humor
Yay for order of operations!

Hawking - (-Motion) - (-Perspiration) = Humor

Mind your double negatives, sonny.

Double negatives are perfectly legit in the maths.

It's funny because 'maths' was a frequent discussion in the last strip!

It's funny because I was talking about grammar when the subject was mathematics isn't that funny

Its funny because explanations are awesome.

NO.

Philippe's expression in panel six totally sells this for me. I cannot remember any other time when he has looked so... devious.

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07262002

Not quite as devious, but definitely a malcontent!

I could see these jokes being printed in white on black t-shirts. You know, the tacky kind sold at Kohl's for $10 each. Come to think of it, Beef would be totally geeked to buy such a shirt.

Beef Be Geeked

Who's got thrown in jail?

Me.
(I am)

i happen to work for a Kohl's. i know a guy. i could make this happen.

No, really? For seriouslies?

Because that would be great, an inside joke distributed among those without the resources to understand it.

utilizing the comma stunt used above my comment, i say that i work at Kohl's. i also know a guy who owns a screen-printing company. a few well placed dollars into a certain paypal account could assure these shirts get made and sent WITH LITTLE COST TO YOU!! i know other guys, but they aren't graphic designers. or owners of such stores...or great businessmen. *beams*

Phillipe's jokes get pretty mean. Maybe there's a reason we didn't see the end of his encounter with the bidet.

I don't personally want to see the end of anyone's encounter with a bidet, 5-year-old otters included.

At least Philippe is giving the guy credit for being a genius, even if he is saying he's all sorts of sweaty for it.

The universe is expanding.. with sweat.

that is one sponge i will be okay with not squeezing.

Must be me not noticing it before, but aren't Philippes shoes getting more detailed each strip?

They certainly look more high-heeled than previously.

They look like Heelies. I wouldn't put it past him, so free-spirited and wacky.

Or else maybe those shoes with roller skates that fold out the soles. Not those newfangled monstrosities with the wheel in the heel. I'm talkin' the old ones with straight skates foldin out of em.

Oh wow, did you invent those in fourth grade too?

I invented that, and Ray's perpetual motion device, in fourth grade.

I hated those. Or, rather, I hated the kids who had them for taking ownership of my most desired possession.

I only hate them because they are so much better than myself.

He's at that special age.

Where your shoes get more detailed.

philippe has been spending too much time learning jokes from nice pete.

Here are some of his hands.

Good words.

Da,n you for making the comment I was going to make. It's a good thing I Ctrl F'd "Nice Pete", or I would have been embarassed.

Is this more English slang?

Is that latin?

Whoa! Philippe's working some rough chuckles these days!

[IMGS OFF]

Okay, yeah, I see it. Thanks. That's Perfect.

That is exactly the picture that I needed.

Beat me to it. For that, a chubby.

Agreed. Considering the company he keeps, it was only a matter of time.

*cue Candle in the Wind*

Seems he's taking a page out of Chucklebot's book.

Is he getting inside your head?

Our little boy is becoming a man. Otter. Motter.

true, its only a matter of time before he goes on his first coke binge and strangles a hooker

Sunrise, sunset!

[IMGS OFF]

Photoshop users unite!

Chubbied for outsmarting AssetBar

How many members of a group of people, defined by a common characteristic, does it take to change a light-bulb?

A finite positive non-zero integer. One to change the bulb, the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of that group.

How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan.

He's got it down to an art form.

You have broken the formula!

heh.

Two: one to wake up the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly-colored kneepads.

To get to the other side.

..i thought the answer to that one was 'yarn'.

ah well.

How many ska kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four. One to drop it, and three to pick it up pick it up pick it up!

Mitch Clem reference earns you one (1) virtual chubby.

How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb in the socket, one to drink until the room spins around.

How many many American girls does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to get her fat ass on the stairmaster and shut the fuck up for a change.

How many negative national/gender stereotypes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to suck in their trademark fashion.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I would imagine a great many. A single mouse alone would considerably lack the strength to manipulate even the smallest lightbulb over a short distance, and even upon reaching the socket it would not even be close to using the dexterity required to twist the lightbulb in a clockwise fashion. Assuming that the lightbulb socket is on the floor, the lightbulb itself is fairly small, and the amount of mice used would be limitless, the idea of the mice organizing themselves into a division of labor system, no matter how rudimentary, would be dubious at best. On the whole, I would not bet in favor of the mice unless forced.

How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water main?

None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the source of the leek by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do anything about it.

Zip up, Skradley. Your nationality is showing.

I know I speak of Australiana often, but that's because I spent my very early childhood in America, and thus find the differences fascinating. But yes, I should stop. It's getting beyond a joke now.

In actuality, I got that joke from an English comedian. I forget who, however.

Two. But I don't know how they got in there.

Argh! Why don't I read all the thread before posting, especially when I'm reading these late? Catgrl131 beat me to it. My apologies.

how many asset bar posters does it take to change a light bulb?

like practically 100 or so. while hardly anybody touches the bulb, 100 or so to try and be funny below it.

I think it's closer to 33. About 20 recognisable avatars to joke and debate, 4 to do something witty and memorable, 6 to be absolute dicks, and finally 3 mysterious people to mark the lightbulb as spam and let everyone move on.

v-Chub

HILARIOUS!

*ba-dum TSHHH*

"how many asset bar posters does it take to change a light bulb?"

%u2160

Q: How many assetbar posters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I wanna cum.

Alternate version:

Q: How many assetbar posters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: NO.

How many assetbar posters does it take to have a grudge? Two, apparently.

Everybody should have a hobby.

A ~~finite~~ positive ~~non-zero~~ integer.

Did you make that up? It's one of the best things ever.

I studied Maths. It gets you in that mindset where you want to generalise pretty much everything.

(Unless your comment was directed at echidnaboy's Freud joke, in which case how could I [b]be[/] so arrogant?! I'm very sorry. I feel like Michael Jackson, that time he thought he'd won a life-time achievement award...)

Bugger. I have just been shown this wikipedia article. I have no idea if I have seen that before and subconsciously recalled it, or if the specific language is a natural fall-out of the type of superior tone that one adopts while expressing something that makes your feel clever. It is astonishingly similar however, so I might have to assume the former. In any case, I am not original in this concept. Bugger.

From that article (for the lazy amongst you):

"Three people of different nationalities walk into the bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."

"Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability."
%u2014Bill Bailey

"How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?"
"A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question."

How many Achewood commenters does it take to change a lightbulb?

FUCKING ASSET BAR.

Bravo. Seriously.

incredible, the joke, the bonus pun, and your anticipation of dimensions how did you be so perfect?
it goes without saying, but mad chubbies, dogg.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but the trick is getting them inside.

Another version is, "two - any more and it's an orgy."

I'm wondering how Stephen Hawking would even get on the couch in the first place.

Somebody could pick him up, I guess.

Gross! He'd be all slippery, sweating his genius out all over the place.

I dream of a future in which my kids don't take classes when they go to school, they just go to receive injections of Steven Hawking extract.

Through a combination of sheer mind-strength and anti-gravity devices that he invented and has kept secret...as insurance.

I-call-them-Hawking-Devices.

Not in my Fry-Hole!

Hi! It's a... *roll 2d10" [1]pleasure[/i] to meet you!

Is it Assetbar that sucks, or is it me?

I think, in this case, that it's me. I'm sorry, people on the Internet.

I can't believe you messed up.

Yes. That appears to be a 1, not an i, in your first bracket. What a shame.

I'm afraid that you rolled a 1, jlynes. That's a critical fumble.

"You fall forward and impale yourself on your own faulty code. Take 1d6 damage."

A seasoned GM will also throw in an experience bonus, simply for the skill it takes to roll a 1 with 2d10.

Another man fails his saving throw versus assetbar.

Man the Gary Gygax memorial comic was like a week ago, guys.

They missed it because they were at Taco Bell.

his sentient chair would eject him onto it.

Eww.

Sometimes I really hate you Echidnaboy. For those such times, I love you. It's complicated.

Awww. I love-hate you too, Skraddles.

Awwww, Phillipe and Cornelius should take this act on the road. Performance art, unconventional, khaki shorts pulled up to his arms, Hawaiian shirt tucked in. And then, the masterstroke: JOKES!

Also, I thought this strip was going to be about racing. I am a Terrible Person.

For some reason this just makes me think of Dudley from the Royal Tennenbaums.

"I'm not colorblind am I?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so..."

"Can the boy tell time?"

"Oh, good heavens, no."

Philippe is like a little Steven Wright here.

Philippe is channeling the evil forces of Stuart Larkin in panel six.

Look at Philippe in panel five, his flippers quivering...he looks like a baby penguin, hopping as it waits to be fed.

Unlike most posts, this is an ideal statement for lawbot to disagree with.

Alright, lawbot, I see what you're doing here. Hmm...how best to approach this issue...

Hey, lawbot! Let's keep laming all of each other's posts like we've been doing and not stop! What do you say to that? Hmm?

lawbot is the kind of poster the "Ignore User" button was created for

He has systematically lamed nearly every comment I've made on this page. At this point I'm pretty sure it's some backwards method of flirting, such as how elementary school girls hit the boys they fancy.

I thought that was funny. It was too mean to chubby though.

It's ok - I don't do this for the chubbies. I have a day job for that.

What kind of job involves you receiving chubb.. oh.

Do you work at Olive Garden?

I can't tell if you think it's an issue, if you think I think it's an issue, or if you're genuinely trying to be funny.

Well, that sounds like a personal problem.

You should've known when you posted that lawbot is programmed to disagree with the last statement in a thread, no matter what it is.

Lawbot, are you ever honest with yourself? You know, about ~~everything~~ the fact that you have essentially as many lames as you have comments? Just wondering.

Yes, yes I am. Should I care about lames? Do you care about lames? Have you ever examined why you feel about lames the way you do?

It's not like chubbies will get you cash prizes, but they are a good insight into how people see you. You have no problem being disliked?

It's not like a big thing where I worry about numbers or anything, or even that there is a lame or two on a comment, y'know?

I'm not trying to lionize him or anything, but I think Lawbot may be among the most misunderstood person here. I've never seen him lay into anyone who didn't just completely open themselves to it.

God, it's so hard not to leave a follow-up message to correct bad grammar in a prior post. But I'm trying not to do that anymore. I'll leave it at that.

Is this where someone goes

NO.

?

No, no it isn't. Sorry.

[IMGS OFF]

Up next on TMZ: Cell phone footage of Philippe's bilious screaming rage against people who disrespect their mothers.

You had nine chubbies before I chubbied you and then you had eleven. Assetbar knows what an excellent post you made.

It takes all the plus signs and creates its own mathematics!

Who lamed you twice is doing it wrong.

You learn to get over it. Especially when there are folks like you who bring the positivity and make it all better.

YOU CAN TALK YOU CAN TALK YOU CAN TALK YOU CAN TALK

I don't hate sassers, that's what's so insane about this!

YOU CAN SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!

and soon...
[IMGS OFF]

(excuse horrible quality, couldn't find a decent picture to suit this. also the cropping was rushed as hell, all with pixels still showin' stupid, stupid.)

Perhaps the days of reflexively chubbing/laming every single image are finally over?

Porbably has something to do with quality and such.

whaaaat's the deeeaaal with king piss?

As Philippe finishes his last joke in panel six, the lights dim and The Police's "Every Move You Make" begins to play over unseen speakers...softly...

Oh, tekende. "Every Breath You Take". I love the joke, but as a person who has spent many nights staring into a mirror in a darkened room mouthing the words to that song at my own reflection, I take umbrage with your mistitling.

Oops. Sorry.

In my defense, I'm not a Police fan. I mean, I don't dislike them, but I don't like them enough to own any of their CDs or anything.

There are a couple of people who really hate the fact that you're not an avid Police fan.

Or they just hate me. Several of my comments here have two lames on them.

Yet you're too classy to go and check who is laming you. Well played, sir.

But he still complains about being lamed, instead of accepting the lames and moving on.

This is a curiously specific level of class.

Or maybe they really hate that you don't dislike the Police. I must say it makes me feel a little unwell myself, but not enough to lame you.

I'm not sure I understand... are you singing to yourself? Would this be obsessive narcissism?

I mean, the song's creepy when it's applied to another person, but when you sing it to yourself in the mirror I'm not really sure what the connotation is.

I love me. I just don't get it yet. Why can't I just see, what's right in front of me?

Philippe yet again displays a mental power formidable and latent, belied by his age and carefree demeanor. [url="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09182006"]Will these wonders never cease?[/url]

[goddamnit]That could have gone better.[/goddamnit]

[goddamnit] is the best bracket-command ever.

Good example you cited, there. I think all the strips where Phillippe displays some deeply-buried talent that should be well beyond his five years on earth are made funnier by all the ones where he tries to save his favorite couch or something.

Use BB code and take your life into your own hands.

Your own six-fingered hands?

in Soviet Russia, six-fingered hands own you!

Ecccchhhgg...

Am I the first person on this board to Virtual Lame someone?

I've got no problems with pop-culture references, but this is one dead horse with no more meat on it's bones whatsoever.

Well, I did list my vocal approximation as "con."

In Soviet Russia, the llama has an avatar of you.

See, now, that was a good one. Good job, farqussus. Good job, sir.

Nonsense! The "Soviet Russia" jokes are a special strain of humor. The worse they get, the better they get! Yes, I truly believe this.

Yeah, but they need to be at least a little unexpected, otherwise they're sort of, blah.

I mean, this doesn't really lend itself to being shoehorned into a oppressive centrally planned police state.

i am Okay with this. it was not a Good or Funny comment to leave. lame away. i would if i could.

In Soviet Russia, Soviet Russia joke tells you!

Wait...is that the Herbrand version of the joke?

Could you please explain? I'm afraid I don't live up to the mathematical standards set by this board.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herbrand_interpretation

I see....

Soviet Russia jokes never get old, because they were never good in the first place. Same with Your Mom jokes.

In Soviet Russia, your mom does YOU?

(ok, ok, I got nothin'.)

Haha, oh... so naive.

Use BB code and take your life.

That would require some degree of skill.

[wrist]Take my life.[/wrist]

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father... prepare to die.

It had been a while since I last implemented Assetbar, and as my finger lingered on the post button I considered consulting the BBcode guide "just in case," but then of course ignored such nagging doubts under delusions of my own invincibility.

I'm beginning to suspect that Philippe is not a naturally occurring phenomenon at all, but he is in fact the result of years of genetic experimentation. Think about it; not only does he have a selectively advanced brain, but the succeeded in perfecting an organism that is immune to aging.

His "mom" is secretly in the employ of the United States Government, and all his memories pre-Teodore's house are implanted to maintain the illusion.

Oh dear. I think we've just begun the Achewood version of the Blade Runner "IS DECKARD A REPLICANT?!" debate.

Mistah Feereep! She say you super-size retarded homo jackass!

Project Codename "Ultra Peanut" was a failed precursor to the Philippe Project, as the final subject displayed excessive levels of aggression and impoliteness.

Laboratory technicians have advised against having Ultra Peanut and unit designated Philippe meet face-to-face, as the results could be detrimental to Phillippe, particularly in the field of "virtual pet maintenance".

>:O

More like A Time Out of Joint.

Never read it, any good?

It's clearly PKD's best "early" work - in my opinion, of course, but I think most other fans would agree. "Time Out of Joint" and (in a totally different way), "Confessions of a Crap Artist" are the best novels he wrote before "The Man in the High Castle," by which time he'd found his voice and moved into his prime.

TOOJ has the same veneer of impenetrable paranoia, and uses the same themes that an older PKD would return to over and over, but he's exploring those themes for the first time. The larger plot is strictly bubblegum '50s scifi, but novel has a raw power that can't be denied. Highly recommended for anyone.

Ridley Scot said it was his intention to say Deckard was a replicant.

The director's cut sort of makes it more obvious. It's actually pretty great. Go check it out.

Oh, I watched the director's cut, and I totally got where Scott was going with it.

That does not mean, good sir, that I have to like it. There's little fruit in debating the point, but it's a creative choice I take issue with.

I guess that gives me liberty to take issue with the Titanic sinking in that movie. I mean, it really wasn't necessary.

No.

And just think of all the money they would've saved!

He is the youngest student of Clone High.

makeovermakeover, makeovermakeover, makeovermakeover...

for you aand meeeeeee.

Some of us are trying to nail Catherine the Great! Or should I say...Catherine the So-So?

Next time, on a very special Clone High.

I'm so mad I could piss glue!

DO YOU HEAR THAT ASSETBAR PEOPLES? Clicky-click-click!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I've been singing that tune with three random syllables because I couldn't remember the words.
teehee, i'll singing that all day now

that was directed at cpnglxynchos

V-chub.

That show was great. Most of the things I love get cancelled. Damn you Arrested Development!

Back to Clone High:

"Shouldn't you be saving some of this money instead of having me gold-plated, and dropped?"- Mr. B.

I love that strip. It contains possibly the greatest Philippe expression Chris has ever drawn. Also, it is interesting that Cornelius is always the one who discovers these strange talents.

Hm... not Chris Rock fans, I take it?

Locke Cole is disappointed that his Chris Rock joke was not well-received.

Locke Cole is wondering if professorhazard would narrate his future posts with such detached professionalism.

Locke Cole is relieved his post received a reply, but masks it with a dash of snide.

Locke Cole is surprised that his feelings were so well read, but maintains his third person narrative.

Locke Cole starts discussing politics in the hope of drawing out more replies.

Clinton FTW!

GO POLITICS!

Professor Hazard is just a freelance observationalist, and will leave the professional work to Morgan Freeman.

Tostadas these days are mostly nonsense.

Masterful, simply masterful. Onstad is at the top of his powers here.

I would pay a lot of money to see a 5-year old otter do standup comedy. Every Phillipe strip gets a five.

This is not about car racing! This is not about car racing at all!

Without further ado, Emo Phillipes:

[IMGS OFF]

Phillippe is so cute, you could cold take away all the text and this strip would still delight.

Crib bickerer!

Phillipe's wicked sack returns

Does anyone know where this line comes from?
"A cartoon of modern life as lived by a retarded otter, an alcoholic tiger, and two bears."
According to Google, this is the sub-title for Achewood.com
http://www.google.com/search?&q=achewood

Which is why it's stupid that anyone who calls Philippe retarded gets lamed and responded to with "HE IS FIVE".

It's because BE POLITE, DICKWAD.

No offense to achilleselbow or any actual dick-wads reading this.

Dickwads get a bum rap these days.

Heh. Didn't even mean that little double-entendre there.

I think that's pretty close to the slow-release triple entendre. Pretty damn close. I guess it depends on how wackily you can define "rap."

It comes from Achewood.com's Open Directory description, which was written by whoever submitted Achewood to Open Directory way back when.

But let's not forget that according to reliable sources, Philippe is a 'retarded homo jackass'.

[url http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002]super-size[/url]

I think it's still technically all right {Ed:Technical how! By what technicality?!?!} as she calls him a retard shortly thereafter.

Well, is there any way for someone to fix it?

Whenever I see these Philippe/Mr. Bear strips, I always wish I had someone like Mr. Bear to consult for this sort of advice on various matters of life. Then I realized that most other people do - they're called fathers!

...Man, I'm working some rough chuckles these days.

No one who reads Achewood has a father. That's why we're here.

Wow, I got lamed for not having a father. I guess I deserve it. Perhaps father's leaving was his own special way of saying 'LAME' to mother and myself.

Get a sense of humor.

Shouldn't your avatar look a lot more like Pat Reynolds, to match the fact that you're a massive dick?

I figure the fact that his avatar is some sort of starfish is his subtle way of announcing to the world that he is an asshole.

Lawbot is the kind of guy that repeatedly shows up uninvited at parties where he knows everyone hates him. The kind of guy who has long since given up on making any sort of positive impression and now derives his sole satisfaction from the annoyance that he knows his presence causes other people.

I always see his avatar as a chicken looking left, with an octopus-like shape to its red comb-material. And a rectangular pupil.

Yours, on the other hand, seems to be some kind of donkey-tyrannosaurus doing the Xbox Kid pose.

I will now share with you the secrets of my avatar.

Man, I don't see why we are still talking about lawbot's humorlessness. His name precisely tells you what he's all about. He is the assetbarrio beat cop with a moustache and a bad attitude.

sometimes you seem like the meanest lawbot i've ever met, lawbot.

How many lawbots have you met?

Well there was that one over at Bob Lawbot's Law Blog...

A single chubby could never convey how much I just laughed.

WOW, sir, you are a mouthful!

Sometimes you have to be honest with people, about everything.

Man I'm glad I didn't rush to defend you on your comments further up the page.

Quote:

Man I'm glad I didn't rush to defend you on your comments further up the page.

Care to explain? I made a joke about not having a father, lawbot missed the fact that I was making a joke and instead got on his high horse to chide me for 'complaining', and I responded to him. Apparently this is some kind of great sin. Whatever.

Whatever happened to:
Quote:

I'm ending it here

Seriously, drop it. No one cares.

I do. I find it extremely entertaining.

Lawbot serves a necessary function in the AssetBarrio microcosm; indeed, he/she/it is a common occurrence throughout this glorious Interweb. I, for one, appreciate its presence (the genre of poster, not the specific poster in question).

Parasitic humor = anathema to inanity.

I'm enjoying using the ignore user function for the first time. I read over the conversations involving lawbot and then guess what his comments were. Then I open them in a new window and reward myself with a cold refreshing beverage if I get them right. Highly recommended!

I think you're setting your sights a little low - it's not like I don't have a catchphrase.

Dear Assetbar: Is there a way in which I could have phrased this which would have made it funny? Or is the concept just mediocre, no matter what? Do you find that a certain rhythm helps you deliver a comment punchline more effectively?

Without lawbot, there'd be an asherdan sized hole in assetbar. people need people to hate. they start laming the avatar regardless of the comment.

That said, lawbot and elbow are both annoying off and on.

Wait a minute, you're not Asherdan, are you?

Asherdan is alive by the way. He's reemerged, lurking in the archives, commenting in the shadows.

God damnit!

CRAP.

That whole exchange just shows how you can't start handing out the chubbies and lames too early. I enjoyed the father joke, but then I felt I had to address each of them with appropriate lames--then I remembered it was dumb to care about what happens on the internet.

Another lesson learned from Achewood.

sike

IOU chubby for the PBF link.
Gotta love this one too:

Let's be honest; they're all pretty great.

he's gone soft recently. i miss last year's

I love these Philippe and Cornelius strips, the two complement each other quite well.

They are metaphorically speaking, both in the diaper-wearing stages of life.

phillipe is jack handy

it is sad to think that in this day and age families can be torn apart by something as simple as rabid dogs.

i was about to respond to my comment with that quote, but you beat me to it.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

That is my favorite Jack Handy joke. I was going to post it yesterday but I couldn't remember all of it. Thanks!

I swear the last one was taken verbatim from A Softer World.

i think you're right. the softer world people must have taken a class from mr. bear, because pretty much every one of their strips follows that exact formula.

i'm not hatin', i get some good giggles out of softer world.

You can't rape Philippe. He has wicked sack.

No.

Fucking stop it.

I'd take a cricket bat to a comment if I could. Instead, this is the best I can do.

Objectophilia. Philippe is a toy.

HAZ FACT: When the Internet first started, the word "plushie" specifically referred to a plush toy that someone had sex with. Now all plushes are called that. I do not miss the future.

Also, you are a terrible person.

NEIN!

Geen.

Loh

Okay assetbar, make me proud!
%u05DC%u05D0

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd break out the lolKirk, but it's too soon. Too soon.

The blasphemy on this page is rampant, I tell you.

Paraphilia. It's technically accurate when referring to nonliving objects, yet has the remnants of condemnation implied; a word from back when fucking stuffed animals wasn't considered cool. Should please everyone.

I didn't know fucking stuffed animals was considered cool.

;____(, that is what it is, ;______(.

YES

POSITIVITY FTW!

MAYBE?

PERHAPS

You just said "YES" to e-buggering a child. An otter child. I think you should think about your life. Honestly.

IT'S JUST A SUGGESTION

MY FATHER ONCE KNEW A MAN

I'm confused. Had I a chubby...

I like that you are out of chubbies, Lawbot. I think that your gruff exterior hides a generous soul.

I will tentatively extend my hand to you. Am I correct? Yes or--dare I say it?--NO ?

Yes. I promise not to rush forwards and bite your fingers with my human-like teeth.

NOT A DRY EYE IN THE HOUSE

CAPITAL LETTERS

LOUD NOISES!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Disagreement Box!

5 is not that young in otter years but why the hell am i answering this question anyway :(

this generated hell of comments, i should get some chubbie consideration for that.

BTW due to me receiving way too many lames, i can only post once a day - i hope you're all happy. that's a new feature, the second feature i've inspired, the first being the 'eigenvector' thing that prevents you from laming everything forever.

Happy, happy, happy, that's me.

[IMGS OFF]

Philippe's a comedy savante. I bet he'd have grown up to be a master comic, if only he were capable of growing up.

I actually found Phillippe's last joke in panel 6 to be legitimately chuckle-out-loud funny.

am i a bad person y/n

Yes, you ween-logo-lookin' motherfucker!
J/K you are fine with me.

Thank you, kind sir. ALL PRAISES TO BOOGNISH!

If there's someone for everyone, just waiting outside houses for them to go dark, who is waiting outside the stalker's houses? Or do stalkers not turn out their lights before going stalking?

of course they don't turn the lights out, otherwise how would they have a legitimate-sounding alibi? "Oh, I was just watching TV. By myself. In the dark."