T-minus Three Weeks.

T-minus Three Weeks. 06/13/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Ramses has been there twice about the dough hook. The man has chutzpah.

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This is shaping up to be the greatest wedding in the history of nuptials.

Second only to none whatsoever.

<i>Two</i> KitchenAids.

[i][b]TWO KITCHENAIDS

[IMGS OFF]

Do you know what parturient even means.

Gravid, son. With child. Pregnant.

Actually: in labor, about to give birth.

Either way, in no way applicable to dough hooks.

*secretly hopes for someone to take the bait and produce hastily-photoshoped buggery*

you're a master baiter.

this makes me want to splut my wrists.

two kitchenaids

epic fail. twice. but have a chubby for trying, unlike me

[IMGS OFF]

Wow. Chubbied like a seventh grader sneaking porn.

Thanks, but chubby me another way if it comes up again.

There may be no fiercer chubby than one experienced as a junior high boy. I recall having to walk through school day after day with a binder stragetically placed in a manner that was supposed to be casual, and yet clearly was not.

remember the intro to Monkeybone?

Naw, I caught the last three quarters of that movie drunk at my folks's on a Saturday night.

Weird-ass but entertaining shit.

Then maybe you'll give me my $20 back.

You're working some rough chubbies today...

Found at the link http://friendsofthehour.com/friends/
(dangelder's site):

Not Found

The requested URL /friends/ was not found on this server.

Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.

This is the saddest thing

No, this is the worst thing.

That tacky motherfucker. Why can't he and Astley take up a heroin/AIDS habit together? Then, while they're incapacitated, somebody steals their modem and car tires.

I lost all my friends -- too buys working on my damn web site.

Chubby for persistence.

the failed bbcode is really what does it. salut.

The fire was easy! The italics, though, were just too much.

Most excellent.

i gave you the 100th chubby!

I'd chubby this, but there are currently 144 chubbies, and I should hate to ruin such a lovely square number.

It is a gross number

Man how did they whip up a rich cheese sauce over a squatter's fire and where can I learn to make this hobo fondue?

it is basically impromptu, a combination of pizza box scrapings and hobo sauce

hobo sauce? oh, you mean magic gravy!

Magic Gravy is what you get after a couple of days on an all hobo sauce diet.

Y... you blow your load?

Yeah, man. It's pretty fucking good.

Is that anything like cowboy sauce? Would Ray be good at making it?

Ray occasionally tries to make hobo sauce, but it always comes out too rich.

*ducks*

That's a weird thing to say about Ray's sperm, man.

Ray ain't got sperm, dogg.

The piece de resistance of his Dennis Quaid collection.

Of, of um, sperm?

I've got three words for you: eBay Platinum Reserve.

And here's three more: Refrigerated Display Case.

Best phrase ever:

The Dennis Quaid Collection... of sperm

dammit, you know he can still naturally sport wood

you know this

for the last time it was a DIFFERENT MR. SMUCKLES

It was a vasectomy!

Welsh rabbit is delicious man. Good Eats has an episode. I believe I've now given you sufficient information to fend for yourself.

I've always heard it called Welsh rarebit! Because it was a poor substitute for rabbit. Yum yum yum yum yum yum.

You got a chubby for correctness, take a bow.

I see what your avatar did there, and I'm on to you

Yes, but did archaic Welsh people actually eat it commonly? I think perhaps not.

Hobo sauce is real simple. You just gots to plan it out all night.

First, you're gonna need your pan. Me, I always use half a canteen, I got one that's always in sorry shape and just pries the sucker in half. Makes a nice sauce pan right there. Then I takes a shopping cart and rolls it over some ol jetsam (can't be wet now, you hears me?). You know that little rack on the bottom for your Cokes and such? Why, that's a fine grill right there! Don't even need no Pam, neither.

Next comes the egg. Me, I usually uses swan or geese eggs from down at the park. Them swans is real domestic, not as batshit crazy as the wild ones. Then you got to separate the whites from the yellas, but I'd keep the yellas, they're great for slickin' down your hair. You can get butter packets from the IHOP down at Bridge Street, you toss one or two in the pan and let em simmer for a while. Then you put the swan eggs in the pan and whip 'em around real good.

Then when they start to thicken up, you add parmesan cheese from packets you steals from a Pizza Hutt (maybe some red chili flakes too, if'ns you want) and some oregano. Just keep stirring on a low fire until it's nice and thick or until the hole in your guts just can't be ignored no more.

And that's hobo sauce. I recommend it with heavily fortified wine. Not only makes it taste better, makes thinkin' easier and it makes the ground real soft for your head. I'd keep a shiv ready, it's gonna have a nice scent and soon you're gonna have 'bos looking to do a lot more than call in, so you're gonna have to stick a few suckers.

Other options are creamer from the IHOP, too.

I also notice that as this goes on I sound more like an old prospector, like Gabby Hayes or something.

If you'd kept going I think you would have started to sound like Gibby Hayes.
This here a sauce, is based on IHOP butter
It's about cookin' in canteens and flakin' the chilli that's spicin' the sauce
the sauce and the cheese and the oregano that's cookin with all
It's around the fire that's heat that's the spice that's the sauce
And the sauce is the sauce that is the fire that's spicin' the sauce,
it's cookin' the sauce
And it goes somethin' about like this
Hobo Cheese Sauce, oh Hobo Cheese Sauce

Man I struggled with that one, I think it shows.

So the unattended oven is just for an added element of danger?

I do that for dates that I bring home, just to be mysterious and dangerous.

Hold on a second, darlin. Let me slip into something a bit more comfortable. And fire up the oven.

Oh! Are you baking cookies?

Nah, baby. Just heatin' up the gravy.

Shit. Can you help me with the pilot light?

spinynorman, are you...are you Ted Hughes?

Man, I wish. That guy seemed to be neck deep in pussy. Uh, and death.

If y'all keep up these hilarious literary references, I'm going to lose the ability to get an erection.

So when my uncle informed me that discussing poetry and folk art with girls would get us "in like Flynn," he was just wrong as all hell? Well, that just...

Wait a minute, an erection?

Tipist understands. He is five.

PS Discussing poetry and folk art with girls will get you in like Flynn.

oooooooooooooohhhhh

Also in like Flynn has heavy connections to statch rape, so...

Fun fact: I am a statutory rapist. Or...was. I have reformed.

Fun Fact: I am not really five. I tricked you. I feel ashamed.

Or even, I am ashamed. Fucking grammar. Sorry, that's not appropriate language for a five-year old (I'm not really five).

[IMGS OFF]

Have you reformed, or did your partner just get older?

Ssshhhh.

I get it. You wont be able to give chubbies. I am five.

no ma'am - he was THE Iron Giant

The only difference between spinynorman and Ted Hughes is that Ted Hughes will stop and nothing to kill you

AT nothing. I was typing this with my head in the oven, so you must forgive my mistyperating.

I was thinking that, or Edward Kennedy.

There are two irate or frightened hobos on Assetbar who have lamed your comment.

Hobo secrets stay hobo secrets.

Oh man, I was so happy because I thought you made a Tom Waits on in there. But after I listened to the song again turns out that the white part is the best for slickin' down your hair.

But no love lost, I realize that you probably had to do that so that this whole thing would make sense/not ruin the recipe.

Yeah, that was definitely a Waitsism.

His moxie cannot possibly be overstated. What's with all the fuss about dough hooks? I guess they aren't hand-kneading type of people.

Listen, if you've ever spent a lot of time baking, you know the necessity of dough-hooks in their powers of time-saving. These powers of theirs, they're immense.

What the hell is a dough hook? Damn your American ways.

It's a big hook that looks like an enlarged, plast Capt. Hook hook that, once the dough has been mixed, will do all the kneading for you by dint of its rotations. An illustration:

[IMGS OFF]

This should be especially helpful as this picture comes from the product description for KitchenAid.

I have never heard of this, but perhaps it is because I live in that terrifying place called Foreign (state code FN).

We do have them here in Foreign, they had a deal on at Myer where you could get the dough hook for FREE for a limited time. I want one so much.

it can also be used on the black and decker cordless condom retriever/fetus purator

ah.... hm.

WHAT?! They make a cordless version now?! Look out world, here I cu...no, I can't do it....

What?

i disapprove of clinical abortion related straight talk.

They're also good for dangling out your sleeve and making "arr arr" noises and stampeding around the house swinging anything vaguely swordlike with your free hand. It is best to do this when you are six.

BUT I AM ONLY FIVE!

Didn't Onstad's wife work for Crate and Barrel? Or something?

The pizza place I work at has a dough hook which converts into a cheese grater...the cheese grater which once playfully removed the finger of some douchebag kid who grated cheese while listening to a walkman.

Like, the kind of douchebag who only shops at 7 Fox (and then cuts holes in his clothes) but lives in a three story brick home on a grassy hill with 4 acres of land in the back for riding around in his tricked-out golfcart -- all of which is covered by a black spiked fence. The kind who walks around only with one hand in his pocket so he can swing his other hand to an absurd degree and so he has a "classy" swagger most often had by amputees.

The kind of douchebag who doesn't say "cool" or "awesome" -- but instead chooses the much bulkier "Yeah yeah that's that dankness".

That kind of douchebag.

Now whenever I make the dough or grate the cheese, I just want to give a high five to the machine. But then I too would lose my fingers.

I feel like I've mentioned this before...

We've all mentioned this before.

Just kidding man, I'm high.

Why do I find this as funny as it is?

Because you and me is amigos?

(what I'm saying is that I also find this mighty hilarious)

Bixschmix it is getting late and I'm sore from Rock Climbing (SHAWANGUNKS MO'FUCKA) but I just wish I could swat the fingers of every punk trying to recycle that line back onto these forums with a car-radio aerial until it was bloody and bent. I am sorry about this, bixschmix.

I will try to do better in the future, onepapertiger. I don't like being "that guy."

"One of the rules I have is that if you are hot enough, you can say or do anything you want, another one is that if you are fat you can only eat spiders"

whiteninja?

doesn't this sort of imply that people on assetbar make friends for dumb reasons?

Assetbar doesn't have time to debate what makes a friendship meaningful. Get into this.

I also think everyone on here is dumb. Maybe we are amigos?

Nobody but a dumbass would look at online cartoons and then write about it, with a goofy avatar of themselves besides. Sheee-it! We is dumb!

Because you're high.

Mmm, nope. Think I would have noticed smoking...

That's how it gets you, man.

Man, why the fuck was he working in a pizza joint?

As an American who bakes a lot, living in a country without dough hooks, I can only say that THEY ARE REALLY NECESSARY.

I'm with Neckbeard. Despite my smuttiness, I bake a ton of shit, and kneading a good, chewy dough by hand completely wrecks your arms. Using a paddle hook on your mixer will overwork the dough and ruin your motor. Dough hooks are one of God's greatest children.

"Not part of the foreplay, but also very important."

I would like to chubby this, but I cannot.
Furthermore, I am unable to remember going on some sort of chubbying rampage and using all of my chubbies up. But apparently that is what I did.

So basically what I am saying is I would like to give you an assetbar thumbs up for your comment, because it has amused me... but I find myself unable to do so.
That is all.

You don't have to go on a chubbying rampage to run out, you only get 5 per strip, as opposed to lames which are determined by an equation that factors in total strips viewed, total lames recieved, the orbital position of Uranus, and the precise geographic location of a wallaby named Bill, who was captured and implanted with a tracking chip somewhere near Ayers Rock.

I swear I've found my chubbying capacity recharged to a certain extent before.

I don't think we're supposed to call it Ayers Rock anymore. I'm going to get lamed by the English.

All of which is very confusing to the wallaby and I think you can see the resulting influence on Lame allocations.

[IMGS OFF]

Not being Australian, I was unaware that Ayers Rock is a not the politically correct name, it was just the only landmark that I know of in Australia because I am American and we don't spend too much time in school learning about places which aren't America.

That's not the politically correct name? I've had two brothers, one cousin, one cousin-in-law and one almost-sister-in-law visit that place and they all tell me it's called Ayers Rock.

Uluru is the traditional custodians' name for the big red rock. We now defer to their knowledge rather than naming the rock after some politician the first white guy to see the rock thought would approve his planning permit for a pool room.

The slight problem is that I don't even remember giving out more than one, but I expect I must have.

Which is why I referred to it as a rampage.

I believe although it may not be an international phenomenon, it's not exclusively American. My mum has a dough hook and we're limeys.

I know there are foodies the world over who must know what a dough hook is... didn't the rest of the world teach us how to cook anyway?

Time spent kneading dough by hand is time you're not spending making babies. If Molly's mother had a dough-hook, maybe there'd be two saints in her family!

Dude apparently Beef and Molly were really specific in thier gift registration.

Item 17) Kitchen aid set (and it better have a fucking dough hook, I swear to God if it don't got a dough hook I will personally come and slap you with my hands that will be hella rough from all the kneading I'm gonna be doing)

Neither Beef nor Molly would speak in this manner to anyone who is not named Showbiz.

They want that dough hook.

Who will cause havoc next? How long will the line at Crate and Barrel become? What kind of familiarity will be bred? These questions and more will be answered on tomorrow's exciting new episode of: POLICE BLOTTER: ACHEWOOD, CA

That Crate & Barrel girl better raise the manager on her headset pronto, or her skull may soon possess a strong percussive element.

She's better see that she does.

Well Ramses was too much of a gentleman to ever fight in front of a lady, stopping as he did on dates at squaring up to the rudest characters you ever saw; I don't imagine he would strike her, dough hooks or no. As for the Welsh, who ever knows?

You've got to hand it to Onstad for going for the three-fer. A completely unbelievable triad of events, but also quite amusing.

Bonus points if he goes for the four-fer: subscriber-only content showing Todd looking over the police blotter, before realizing it is a waste of time because he cannot read.

chubbacious

I think you've pointed out the thematic elements that make the last two weeks some of the best two consecutive weeks ever for Achewood.

I was actually thinking we need now is a Nice Pete edition. Funny thing is he could ask "now why does this all seem so.. familiar?" and then follow up with "Oh yeah, I did all these last night."

*what we need now

This is what I get for Achewood being the very first thing I look at in the morning.

We've all had embarassing Morning Achewood.

This could also work for the Todd edition, it wouldn't have to be Nice Pete. The first panel would have Todd's head and torso with the blotter, just like everyone else.

Police Blotter
June 13

East Achewood: Reports of a male squirrel selling illegal narcotics outside Rising Star Preschool. Suspect escaped before police arrived, witnesses reported a white van rapidly leaving the area minutes before police arrived.

South Achewood Trailer Park: Domestic Dispute: The female involved did not wish to press charges, says that she fell down the stairs. Insisted that the male suspect was right to be angry, because she forgot to take her "cunt pills" even though "she knows he ain't wearin' no gunny sack".

East Achewood: White van, with no distinguishing features aside from a license plate frame reading "Suckin' dick bought this van", seen swerving in and out of oncoming traffic, sometimes veering on to sidewalk to avoid collisions, passersby reported driver loudly yelling about "gettin' his slant on" while flipping off everyone on the sidewalk.

North Achewood: Van found overturned in drainage ditch, driver is rambling and incoherent. Field sobriety test showed driver to be under influence of intoxicants, but claimed the test to be faulty because "I don't know my alphabet forward when I ain't got my swerve on." Blood tests performed after subject was taken into custody showed BAC to be 0.37%, suspect was also found to be under the influence of cocaine and PCP, and was charged with DUII and Reckless Endangerment

Last panel of the comic is a zoomed out version of the first, with Todd sitting in jail.

I took a little artistic liberty by assuming that Todd would be the kind of guy to live in a trailer and beat his significant other, and that the only woman that would be with him would be the codependent, abused type who thinks he loves her.

Last panel is a silhouette of Fat Slimmy trying to get a stick of gum with a wire inside of it past the guards.

It's funny because Achewood squirrels are already silhouettes.

Not only that, but who would be dumb enough to claim that she fell down the stairs when she lives in a trailer.

all two of them.

NAH MAN NOT WELSH
IT'S ALL CTHULU TSATHOGGUA

IT'S ALL LLANDFILAERENDIL-LLEWELLYNDAFFYDDSHUBOGOGOTH

That got kinda Lovecraft at the end, there.

Oh... oh yeah, I missed the comment above you. Because I am completely retarded in every way.

East Achewood -- A disturbance was reported by a resident, awakened from fearful slumber by a voice that was not a voice; a chaotic sensation which only fancy would transmute into sound, but which he attempted to render by the almost unpronounceable jumble of letters, "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Anyone who'se ever been to Anglesea can attest to to the simmilarities between it and R'lyeh...

this works the other way round.

[IMGS OFF]

No man it's all PONTY-LLAN-CAER-ABER-BLABLABLABLA

It's no good folks, I can't keep up this accent any longer, I'm not a Welshman at all

Welsh is what you get when you cross English with sheep.

I thought that was Sheepish.

You're thinking of the Scots.

[insert obligatory joke about kilts not having zippers]

So by that logic, Wales is to England what New Zealand is to Australia.

As a Welsh Australian, I take offence to that!

I think you mean offense*...

... damn kangaroo riding didgeridoo...

I claim national language differences.

(later) Oh, wait, I'm actually right on this one! Sweet!

To be fair, I'm not talking about the genetic heritage, just the godawful language

The sheep part I get, but Welsh never sounds anything like English.

As my fiancee put it, the guests are manifesting!

yeah snap man, well put.

btw who the h is mollys mum? (nz/english spelling of mum :>)

Lamed for being the terriblest.

New Zealand Achewood Massive representing. (Chubbied)

Lamed for use of the word 'massive' as a noun.

Hypothetically, of course. The system has somehow consumed all my lames for me, even though I have not given one in years.

West Staines Massive is the best!

The system is, i believe, based on how many lames you've received as well. Given your apparent penchant for purposefully douchetastic behavior and your metric ass-load of lames, your current situation is unsurprising.

Dude, i just used "penchant" and "douchetastic" in the same sentence. I feel like I've accomplished something.

Oh man, I wish I could lame you so hard right now. For two reasons: I am not one of the (many) douches on this board; I actually try to specifically avoid douchey behaviour. The other reason is I actually have a fairly decent chubby-to-lame ratio? Like 2.5:1.

Also, when I'm a douche, that's not my fault, okay? I have a mental problem. (Yes, it can cause me to act like a douche. It sucks.)

(actually it's about 4:1
having now checked)

Bully for you.

I think it's kinda funny, a conversation about why you can't lame dudes, in which you'd like to lame dudes. Just plain ironic.

Ford really dropped the ball on this one.

Hey New Zealanders! Get out of here before you get a taste of this brown delicious!

So exactly where or what is Zealand?

Zeal Land, or the Kingdom of Zeal? I think it was in Chrono Trigger.

V-chubbs for this most excellent of references.

I now have that god damned robot's theme song stuck in my head, thanks.

They call me Gato
I have metal joints
Beat me up
And earn 15 Silver Points

I do believe it's from "zea land," or land of the sea in some Germanic tongue. Yup, now Wikipedia is telling me that Zealand is the 95th largest island in the world, located off the coast of Sweden and Denmark. So that "zea" would be Danish for "sea."

Dudes and other-than-dudes, I'm sorry. Zealand is not off the coast of Denmark. Copenhagen, the capital of Denmark, is located mostly on Zealand. I should really learn to read. But that article was poorly written, I must say.

Actually named after the Netherlandish territory/modern day province of Zeeland. Some Dutch dude sighted it and cartographers back in his homeland started using the term. I knew that Netherlandic Studies minor would pay off someday!

You know, I was going to say it was from the Netherlands, but then I looked it up. Stupid Internet ... user.

In fairness, Zealand is a real island, and it really is a big chunk of Denmark.

Eastern States of Australia.

Who Likes to Rock the Party
new zealand likes to rock the party

Evidently she, er, took the train to 88mph.

and why on earth do they need that damn dough hook??

Actually, I should have given that comment a chubby. Sorry, man.

Not even gladi8orrex is immune to the intense discombobulatory powers of Assetbar.

That's what I was thinking.

What the fuck indeed.

Extracted from the source code to this page:

[IMGS OFF]

Good to see Assetbar's hard at work squashing bugs.

goddamn it edwell

either you are the devil or you are also gladi8orrex

or both

come to think of it maybe that's kind of the same thing

anyway: j'accuse!

Oh my god that would be the perfect person for gladi8orrex to be.

THE PERFECT PERSON.

SPLUT

Happy Friday the 13th.

Jim Davis' "Splut Week."

Did we speak about this because it must be spoken about.

Edwell, can I please bear your children? I promise to get a dough hook so I can spend time with them instead of endlessly kneading.

Same sentiment, but the promise to first become a woman replaces dough-hook related clause.

I will buy Edwell the cigar of his choice from the Wal*Mart tobacco section.

I have a couple of pennies in my pocket that edwell can totally have.

I have a whole roll of quarters in my pocket for him, if you know what I mean. I mean my penis. Edwell, you can take it or leave it, I'm cool either way.

I'm still not sure what you mean. Why are you offering your penis to Edwell? What do you intend him to do with it? Please elaborate in detail.

I believe the hedonistic android wishes to place his penis within one of edwell's orifices (orifi?). This is something a certain type of man does to another man of the same certain type. Ask your parental units about it sometime.

Why would that pluralise to "orifi", though.

Presumbably edwell has more than one orifice. Unless he doesn't (wartime injury, act of God, honest mistake).

I think saying the word 'orifaces' out loud makes one sound silly, especially given the serious subject matter. Also, I'm not an android in real life, as I am a machine with little to no humanlike features. I'm a solid steel phallus with a modem. I'm basically shaped like God's vibrator (If God were a woman and didn't have hunky archangels eating her out all the time).

Your vision of God has just now replaced the classic Old Man With a Beard in my mind, hopefully on a permanent basis.

Yes. An omnipotent being with a big veiny rack, dozens of stud archangels all around, and me between her legs. The powerplant at the center of a perfect universe. Also, this God still has a 'beard' of sorts. She believe girly shaving is a tool of the devil.

Holy shit. V chub.

Oh.

I thought by "pocket" he meant penis, and he was describing some kind of ass-penny upgrade: "cock-quarters" or something.

So if that thing is comming to the wedding I can only assume Molly was the only one who would go in to the room to feed that brother?

Did... did she have a brother called Grigor?

Kafka lame for you.

(It woke one morning to find itself transformed into a gigantic chubby!)

HE IS FRANZ KAFKA! FRANZ KAFKA!

I got tiny little bug feet
I don't even know what bugs eat

You better quit that rhyming or I'll throw an apple at your back.

He'll throw an apple at your back?
No appreciation of talent, oh talentless hack.?

Anybody want a peanut?

NOO! out of chubbies! thank you for making me smile.

... if only for a little while

damn is that Hallmark I just quoted?

he just sadded a poem out his face. (cut this man off.)

especially if all he's had is cola.

Don't put marbles in your nose. Put them in there. Do not put them in there!

I want this played at my funeral, if only to confuse people as to the cause of death.

I am going to see Dethklok tonight.

Don't want anyone stepin on my.
Now I'm sympathizin' with flees.

Fuck: *me.

No, Margargaret, I will not fuck: *you. My feelings for you are: *strictly platonic.

Chubbied for bringing together the two greatest cartoons in the history of ever.

chubby for home movies.

chubbied for the terrific pun

Strangely primal...

BEHOLD THE THING THAT SHOULD NOT BE

Boobs should never say such disturbing things.

Gregor Samsa!

man, these characters are so fantastically crafted, some of these strips must almost write themselves

Did they even have dough hooks in 16th-Century Wales?

No, but this is why they are now so necessary.

Molly's mother doesn't want her to suffer the same way she did in a marriage without a dough hook.

In totally unrelated news: I am one strip view behind you.

Awko: 1434
Straw: 1435

It's on now.

Your next step is to amass as many chubbies as I. I wish you good luck.

Oh yeah? Well, shut up, that's what.

BOTH OF YOU SHUTUP OR I'LL TURN THIS DAMN INTERNET AROUND.

Vhub... Vhub.... Vwooooooooorn

i say that all the time. "i swear to God i'll turn this restaurant around and take you both home, WITHOUT DESSERT. DO YOU WANT THAT?!"

I appreciate this joke, but it would've been funnier out of Pogo.

Ah the hell with it, let 'em fight, I'm drunk on Father's Day.

Is your usersigil Pat Mcgoohan?

who needs dough hooks, when you have, THESE KNIVES

I think my heart's explodin'! THESE KNIVES!

Are we really still doing this? seriously guys.

It's been dead for at least fou-THESE KNIVES!

What's the point of dough hooks when you're in the Volvo of Despair? A bloo blo bla blooo!

But what's up with completely irrelevant references?

Have you even seen THESE KNIVES!?
chubby for Kitten avatar though.

I APPROVE OF THESE KNIVES
It did surprise me RB did not list them, but to be fair, he was not existent at the time, so I suppose it makes sense. Maybe Lyle will buy him THESE KNIVES. That or Nice Pete...

THESE KNIVES
ARE CRYING
THESE KNIVES HAVE SEEN A LOT OF LOVE, BUT THEY'RE NEVER GONNA SEE ANOTHER ONE LIKE I HAD WITH YOU

THESE KNIVES...
Cry every night
for you

Deep Purple?

The Guess Who

Damn it pogo, Deep Purple?

KNIVES, ON THE WATER

I'LL STAB YOU IN YOUR EY-EE

I have, it just seemed an extremely forced, out-of-place reference.

You noticin' the wrong things, Carmen San Diego!

I extremely forced my out-of-place reference with your mom alll niiight.

You.. you mean the extremely forced, out-of-place reference that I.... Boned?

Where's the instruction manual to this out of place reference?

Phillipe is standing on it.

So, this actually a real picture of you. Wow. And to think the peanut gallery thought it was a cartoon!

Pogo: cornering the market on creepy old-dude responses to attractive female assetbar posters since 1976.

Awww, that wasn't creepy... When he talked about fantasizing about catgrl, that was kinda creepy, but saying 'wow' about someone's picture isn't creepy. Hell, compared the the shit the she-assetbarristers say about guys' pictures, Pogo's nothing at all.

It could be that Ford has seen the nude version.

Jeez. It's open season on the ole Pogester these days.

If John Lennon came back to life he'd have to write a song called "Middle Aged Internet Letcher is the Nigger of the World".

John Lennon said it! I'm not racist.

Welcome to Internet, sir.

When I first glanced at your pupil in your avatar, I thought it was a nipple, so I had to take a second glance just to be sure. I was dissappointed.

Seriously this has got to be Onstad's best idea in recent memory

It is about time that Mel Gibson liberated Wales, someone should email him.

'Irish people yelling in arabic' is a genius description of welsh, although I am still not convinced of Onstad's ability to convey the accent. Maybe it needs more hyphens within the words to convey the strange rhy-thm, and the word ROB in that sentence would definitely be stressed - though he is shouting.

Welsh accents are hard to convey. It's the only Great Britain regional accent that I can't do.

Oh, I'm not great at Geordie either.

YENG MISS I DID NOT TRRRAVELL THIS BIT-TER GLOBE SO THET YOU KED DENY ME THE DOUGH HEWK END RRROBB MAY ONLY DAUGHT'R EV TAIME BEST SPENT AN PRRRRRROG-ENY!

See this is pretty good! Onstad would do it differently somehow though...

Fuck yeah, thats totally Tom Jones.

I honed my Welsh accent by singing along to the first few Super Furry Animals records. Learning a small amount of Welsh is also helpful for this purpose, if of only limited utility otherwise.

Wait, you guys have accents?!!!

Crazy!!!!!

Some of them also have CLITS

You know, sometimes I think clits are just fine and dandy. Just peachy keen. Just the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas, the horse's manicurist, the stoat's shingles.

Yep. I really do.

...moist?

awww...

You know how those turkey thermometers work?

Not even wikipedia knows [url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Search?search=tender timer&go=Go[/url]

fuck you, assetbar. There's supposed to be a plus sign between tender and timer in that link, but assetbar had to go and kill the plus sign and fuck up my link. Thanks alot, assholebar.

Oh! I totally see what you did there.

I do not believe you.

I completely couldn't remember what welsh sounded like til I checked out a few youtube videos to remind me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jr3_DWCN43s

It was that semi-funny clip that reminded me, but I also re-discovered this! ahaha ali g.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usOg34kG-IA

It just sounds like English. Is that considered a materially different from other British English accents? This shit is so subtle - do Brit kids have to go to special classes to distinguish Lincolnshire from Manchester or whatever?

Since nobody ever comments on it I've always assumed Molly spoke our normal, unaccented California English.

Now I see the true value of studying abroad: The accent in that video has some slight differences from other accents I have heard while here! I am a sophisticated international traveler now!

Also, a bunch of kids in Hecci's kitchen would not believe me when I told them Californians don't have an accent other than American. They were like, "You just think that because no one hears their own accent." No really, guys, in America we don't have 12 different native accents per city.

People never believe I'm from Texas. Or Louisiana.

As soon as I left Baton Rouge I figured I had to lose my accent or risk having 20 points subtracted from my assumed IQ everywhere I went. Now of course I couldn't care less, but it seemed important at the time.

This is because most Americans sound like TV. We get more of our linguistic identity from the TeeVee than we get from our physical surroundings.

Based on my experiences talking with people while in Ireland and England, many of whom commented with surprise on the fact that I "don't really have an accent," it is my belief that most people in other countries expect Americans to sound like either a) stereotypical New Yorkers or b) stereotypical Texans. Thus it blows their mind to meet an American who sounds like neither of these things.

When I left Texas, I discovered a few things. The first is that when I told foreigners I was from Texas and my dad was in the oil business, they almost without exception brought up Dallas (the TV show, not the city I was raised in). When I told people in the northeast those same facts, they were shocked that my speech was understandable and utilized the correct conjugations for my verbs, and also (it seemed) that I could speak and feed myself without drooling. Being repeatedly told that "Bush is your fault" was fun, but it was even *more* fun when the person saying that was from Connecticut. And didn't understand why steam started emitting from my ears.

I wish I had saved a chubby for you here. Bixschmix speaks the truth.

Chubbied but technically Bush is everyone in America's fault, as well as most of the developed world and couple of emirs and the like thrown in to boot.

So how are we going to sort this shit out?

Are you familiar with the US voting system?

Sure am, You guys should get around to changing it, thats what i'm saying!

Oooh, the game didn't come out in my favor, change the ruuuuuules!

Oooh, the rules are idiotic to begin with, no matter what the outcome, change the ruuuuuuules!

Not that I'm pro-Bush or anything, but different people have different ideas of what constitutes "running the country into the ground." I'm sure there are people out there who think Bush is doing exactly what this country needs. They're wrong, sure--but by whose standards?

You guys are talking about the whole Democratic primary caucus thing being undemocratic, right?

I thought we were talking about the general election and the electoral college.

I am emphatically pro on your sentiment, Pogo. <i>Emphatically.</i>

Also, yearsinhotclaws. Why?

I don't mean to sound like a dick, but I earnestly have yet to hear a particularly good reason to eliminate the electoral college system. If you have one, I'm curious and I'd love to hear it.

Its not because Bush won that i dislike the system, god knows americans have elected far worse than his ilk, I just happen to think its a pretty crummy electoral system to begin with, the electoral college being merely a hang-over the 18th century.

If people want to vote for guys like bush (and lets face it, they do) then fair enough, i just believe a more efficient system should be employed.

P.s hate to double post but oh well. I don't have an alternative (being woefully underqualified to offer such a presumptious idea)but that doesnt mean the system is without problems.

Still america doesn't have a monarchy and its party system is far more effective at actually representing tis constituents than Britain's system, so is suppose youre doing something right.

"More efficient" sounds good, until you realize that we are 50 united states, and each state wants to count for something. Electing a U.S. president strictly by the popular vote nationwide, the tally in each state wouldn't matter, and the representative would hate that. That's why I like the present system where you win each state's electors individually, then the electors get together and cast the final vote.

The tally in each state shouldn't matter, as it is the president of the United States, not of any one individual state. Yes, I'm saying that a system which makes Alaska, Montana, and other low-population states irrelevant is a good thing. They are a smaller portion of the population, so they should count less. I know that these states have less electors based on their lower population, but the reduction in electors is not proportional to the reduction in population. I know that some states would bitch because they have no impact on the national election, but fuck them. If you want to have an impact on the national election, make your state worth living in so that people will want to move there. If you do not want to do this, fuck you and your 0.2% of the population, which is all you should count for in the election, 0.2%. Also, pogo, you can't honestly tell me that 51% of a state voting for someone means that they should get that whole state's votes. If we were going to keep the electoral college, the only way for it to be remotely valid would be to make electors proportional, rather than this all or nothing bullshit where getting half of California to vote for you gets you 50 electoral votes. If you get just over half the popular vote in a state, you should get just over half the electors, it's as simple as that. I know that you were around when they created the thing, but you have to agree that the electoral college is a fucked up system.

Valid points being raised, but to say "fuck you and your 0.2% of the population" is surely against the democratic and indeed the american ethos? I'm not saying they should be inordinately compensated, but i suppose when one has a polity as vast as America one probably has to acknowledge the sheer scale is going to result in some sparsely populated areas. but then again the individual's vote in higher population states end up having far less of an impact than in a sparse state.

Ah democracy you complex motherfucker, you...

Really, the majority is not supposed to rule with an iron fist in America, hence giving itty bitty states two senators, just like to honkin' large states.

"Winner takes all" is supposed to quell complaining and make everyone work together, I guess. Back when me and the Founder invented this system, of course, it took months to get all the electoral college dudes together, so that made more sense. In today's electronic world, I think a popular vote count is possible, but would require a Consitutional change.

Exactly its a system which makes sense in a pre industrial society where the plantation owning be-wigged chaps have to travel from their estates to decide the presidency and certainly don't want the views of the masses reflected. Though in a post industrial society in which the swollen middle class likes its voting for the president as much as it likes apple pie and such it probably makes sense to change it. Though the constitution is a real bitch to change.

Quote:

If you want to have an impact on the national election, make your state worth living in so that people will want to move there.

What? They do. States like Montana, Wyoming, Arizona and North Carolina are states with gigantic rates of population growth over the last 10 years. The large states are absolutely awful places to live, by and large. But the general population is sticky; they do not move in a fluid manner. They prefer to stick with a bad state as long as possible. Hence the still-large populations of these states that are, for the most part, kind of crappy places to live. That has nothing to do with it.

"Winner takes all" is meant to do many things. Perhaps the strongest argument is that it makes widespread voter fraud quite a bit less tenable. In a popular vote election there would be great incentive to puff up the popular vote count by falsifying votes in your base states. There's no reason to do that when you're virtually assured to get 100% of those electors.

While it doesn't tamp down accusations of fraud in states like Ohio, Florida, and other swing states, it keeps rampant nationwide fraud from being the determinant in every election. And it keeps the fraud localized to such a degree that it's possible to legally combat it. The costs are already almost too incredible to pursue accusations of fraud in states like Ohio alone; can you imagine the legal codswallop you'd need to endure just to start the inquiries in every states, every election? I can't imagine it'd be all that cheap.

Anyway. You make a better (by degrees) point than most, but I'm not entirely sure that makes it a good one.

The electoral college really isn't the problem: the difference between a national election by popular vote vs. by regional vote is not going to be huge and has a few benefits (and a few problems).

What we (US) really need is a runoff system. Two parties are supposed to represent the entirety of the political spectrum in America? Give me a break. If we implemented this you would see about 20 parties spring up over night, much better representation of the populace, and lower corruption. Of course the two parties would lose much of their power and are unlikely to go for this anytime soon...

Also, any system where we have many parties all warring it up like that will always spill over to Congress. This will mean a strong majority of Congress will not share a party with the Prez, which in turn means very little will get done, a la the many-party systems in Europe. They certainly are more representative, and even more democratic, but they bog down easily. Truth does not fall easily from the bone and all

Yes, multi-party parliaments seem to have elections yearly in some countries.

If by "getting things done" you mean disastrous invasions of other countries, perhaps you are correct.

A little perspective would be good here, people. The electoral college was essentially one part of an elaborate mechanism put in place to prevent the will of the people ever being manifest in the choice of a president or in any other fashion. True democracy in the modern sense was the absolute last thing the founders wanted. The shriveling of any real sovereignty of the states that was the result of the Civil War, combined with the direct election of senators, rendered the Electoral College an anachronism as logical or just as the governance by the College of Cardinals or the House of Windsor.

The real question is, is there any reason to keep the thing besides the difficulty of eliminating it? (The answer is no.) Just because a bunch of slaveholding yahoos 220 years ago did something is justification for anything.

Not a single person I know here up north expects such things of southerners. Not one.

But then I'm in Maine, where we're more concerned about the stupidity of the people in whatever part of Maine is slightly north of where we are.

Yeah maine

I think you'll find it might be due to eloquence and education. I hung out with a bunch of US kids in Japan and while they couldn't understand the more Redneck Aussie accent (try pinching your nose and over-emphasising your "A"s) they still knew I had an accent but just couldn't place it.

I tried explaining to a London couple in a pub that I was from Wisconsin. I finally found a Midwest city they knew (Chicago), so I said "Okay, I'm from North of Chicago." "Oooooh!" they said, "So you're from Canada!"

Well, they were fans of Beevis and Butthead...

Hammie old pal, it's true, Wisconsin does not exist for most people in the world, while Chicago machine guns do. And I'm fine with that. I see no reason to attract any additional tourists, since the ones we have alread ruin everything. Hey, if we get any more rain, there actually won't be a Wisconsin for real.

lol remember red heat when dat solvet was say "he form chigco" an de otter solvet was all with his hands like a mashing gun? ma pont is, chigco world-none for is mashing gujns

MY GOD! I've had gladi8orrex respond to thread I started...It's almost as if I've arrived! I'm so unprepared...

First, I'd like to thank Assetbar-for all your infuriating rules, you're really here to support us. And though you can't display the sign for addition, you're "double-plus good" in our hearts.
And to all the little people that made this happen--glyc, alreadyinuse (numbers naught to infinity), and to the varying degrees of underlining--you've always kept me grounded, forcing me to remember some cardinal rules of the internet: First--you're not as funny as you think you are, but sometimes, things come together, and for one shining moment, you are. And second--no matter how utopian a discussion forum may be, filled with artsy, intelligent and open-minded People of Value, there is always the chance that an alcoholic, vagrant dropout will stumble in and ralph in your beret just before your brilliant rant on the dangers of capitalism whilst shopping for a dildo... *cue music*
Ohhh, and now I've got to go--last, but most importantly, I want to thank GoooOnstad, for creating this frighteningly beautiful world that we live in, and for giving us this opportunity to share our stupid opinions with the world!
Thank you and good night!

SAN DIMAS HIGHSCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!

Nice, but I still say we should ignore him.

Wait, are you shitting me?

And your Los Altos kids didn't eat Chinese food.

I've known people from southern california. They didn't impress me much either, but they had the same California accent. It's very distinctive.

They did eat chinese food, that was the heart of the story (and incompetence at same).

This is actually because the English language was invented somewhere in a field outside Glendale in 1944. That's why everyone else sounds funny. They're doing it wrong.

Californians absolutely have an accent.

What, like a valley girl inflection? Almost everyone in California talks with a non-regional American accent like the ones you see on the teevee.

MAYBE?

I'm gonna step in and agree. American accents are far more based around social group and money, and less around region. Many people in California have accents. Many of them have hick-ass cowboy accents. Many Oklahomans have valley-girl accents. The closest thing you will find to an area with a fixed accent is in New England, and even then it isn't everywhere

I'm going to kind-of disagree, kind-of agree: In the places I've been in the US where I've had access to different social strata, I'd say that there generally is an overall regional accent shared by people in that region, with significant class-based gloss.

That said, everyone I've met from california talks exactly the same (unless they're immigrants).

Well, seeing as how you've spent much more time in America than we have and grown up listening to many more American accents, we should probably defer to your educated opinion.

Heh. Chubbied.

I'm going to completely disagree with everything everyone has said regarding California. It's fucking California, people. You just can't figure out California.

It has more or less become a meme on this board to point out when a usericonvatarmage matches the text. For example, above.

And as father of the discussion, it is my meme to kudo new coinages, such as your excellent "usericonvatarmage," altho I'd spell it "usericonavatarmage."

I will fight you to the death over this heretical concept of changing the spelling. Pistols at dawn

Water, of course.

Kudo is not a verb; it is not even a word. Kudos is a singular noun, not plural, and when the s is removed, it is no longer a word. This is a thing which annoys me to no end, and you are on the receiving end of my rant solely because you are the first person I have seen commit this error on assetbar. Also, you are on the receiving end of my rant partially because I think you may be my archnemesis (you don't get to choose an archnemesis, it just happens, so don't take it personally).

Sorry I dropped the "s" -- thought it sounded better when I made the ancient Greek noun into a verb. Nouns can be verbed, you know.

As for the whole nemesis thing, let's start out as hissy fitters and see how things progress.

Please no more California posts.

(And fuck NY too.)

A lot of it has to do with word choice and speed. I live in eastern Kansas, and we share the same pronunciations, but middle middle accent is slower, and they say "pop" when they want a soda.

Word choice and speed do not an accent make. There are often slight variations in the way people from different regions talk, even if they're all speaking with a non-regional American accent.

Fine. Almost all Californians speak with a regional dialect, then.

I don't think you know what dialect means, unless by regional you mean American.

And by American, you mean Californian.

I am using the dictionary term. I already got told I didn't know what "accent" meant, so I looked it up.

It's more a cadence or a tone than an accent. They all sound like conceited snob surfer stoners.

I take offense with this. I have never surfed nor stoned. I only sound like a conceited snob.

ut you're entitled to sound that way, oh ye of the Two Fords.

But

She went to Butford too? Impressive...

Get your Gavin & Stacey on- decent show.

thot his problim was dat he was a balck man in and white mans worl. but hes blind 2? lol he fucked

Jordi is usingk his replicator rations to secretly make tonguesten then wirint in up in a non-pressurized room secret in the middle of the ship zero air pressure, wiring it all up draining the warp core driving the engineers nuts they cant tell where it's coming from all they know is that Jordi has a pretty dark tan even for a blck dude

this raises a keen insight point if jordi is blind and he replicates himself 4 times how do you stop him and his clones from raping a white woman when they all can't see the ~~basketball~~ baseball

Oh I see, you're trying to be funny like that other fellow!

Hey Mom:

Thanks for not passing on that genetic disease that runs in our family. My little sister has it, but I am, as they say, in the clear. Sweet! No bloody noses and brain abscesses!

No but really you're nowhere as funny as Manflesh.

Hey! Thanks for trying but you didn't make the team this year!

How is that mean? You brought up my mom. I brought up the genetic disease that actually runs in my family, which includes brain abscesses and bloody noses.

By the way, you don't offend me-- you just annoy me.

Stop responding to him, you fool!

It's a trap!

vcvcvvcvcvcvcvcv

Odei, you are my favorite. I am now going to employ the "ignore user" button for the second time in my Assetbar career on someone with an underline for a username.

[IMGS OFF]

You are totally in the undefined team!

[IMGS OFF]

Oh man this is such buggery. I need to get photoshop again.

To quote your avicon: Yay!

Aww! It looks like she's wearing a little wizard hat!

You're right! If you squint and tilt your head to the left...

[IMGS OFF]

"WinGARdiem levioSA! Damn, failed again. I sure hope a nice boy could come and show me what I'm doing wrong"

Quoting a Harry Potter book is what you're doing wrong, this should be obvious.

Sir, you are entering dangerous territory. The last thing we need is a god-damned Harry Potter turf war.

(I spelled that as "Turd war" by accident and was sorely tempted to leave it.)

[IMGS OFF]

I am deeply disappointed that Googling "harry potter turd" or "harry potter shitting" did not bring up tons of gleeful scat...

HARRY AND HERMIONE COME ON SHOW ME THEM BUTTFUCKING

I'm so sorry...

[IMGS OFF]

Wow. That is some photoshop buggery.

I'm crying. That's how hard this made me laugh.

And so, i_love_kate corrected himself with no small amount of hesitation.

It was the worst mistake he would ever live to see.

REDUNDANT!

It is silly to like Harry Potter!

(I am very silly.)

To be fair, I'm not trying to drag the Hogwartians into this. I'm trying to make a horribly sexist statement about loneal's inability to be a decent wizard without lots of help from much smarter boys.

It was a Pratchett style hat if anything, you bastard.

Yeah, yeah, geeky references blahblahblah. I don't read your nerd porn, I'm above that (Editor's note: I'm not above that, I once won a competition on who knew the most about LoTR).

I'd just like to see her put a robe on to go with that hat and we could start in on the hot cyber.

Two things.

1) It is not silly to like Harry Potter, it is the most sensible of things.

2) I am very tempted to make my Facebook status "Becci Higgs is putting on her robe and wizard hat", but like 3% of my Facebook friends would get it and the rest might actually think that I'm putting on a robe and wizard hat, and I don't need to be judged that way, everyone already knows I'm a geek seeing as how my current status is about playing Final Fantasy.

I thought you'd like to know that.

In clarification, Harry Potter is pretty good, although it was hard to stay excited about it after the 4th book.

I think this may be the weirdest post I've ever seen on Assetbar, and as we all know, that's really saying something.

BUT, let me make this clear, by "weirdest" I do not mean "funniest" or "best." It's just weird, and that's all.

TEA ELLE ; DEE ARE.

This is what I see when you write these novella-length posts of yours:
"Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla look at me look at me LOOK AT MEEEEEEE bla bla bla bla"

Stop responding to him!

YEAH POGO... STOP IT!

alreadyinuse/_/_______________ is the internet of getting shot in the face with a bullet made of solidified pus.

Umm. "internet equivalent".

God dammit.

Actually it was strangely accurate the first way.

[IMGS OFF]

Ha!

v-chubbed

Wow. You're willing to register a new account every few days. I assume you use a script to visit every strip.

You won't die! We ask you to die and you won't! You WON'T!

Nee botha, lass

It's pretty easy really, all just CHING CHONG WING WONG

Geordie's easy, Just start of kinda short and get successively higher and whinier as the sentence goes on, until, you're talking, like this, mate?

Tekkin leek thas mate?

Yes, but as though someone first stood on your foot, then urinated on your dog, and then burnt your house down, whilst you are tied up unable to do anything.

Hailing from the North east I should probably be offended by that. however I don't really understand what youre saying, is it that people from tyneside sound like hostage victims?

I had never before considered the possibility that Molly would have a Welsh accent. I have been going through old strips reading her lines in my head with said accent. It has almost literally blown my mind.

Well, she would have had plenty of time to learn non-regional diction in heaven..
(she pontificates about the fictional undead cat bride)

Hell of pictures for sad chidren iconatar.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

UH-OH! Duplicate wedding gifts spells BIG TROUBLE.

No way man, Rodney ALWAYS gets a gift receipt.

You mean Ramses. Calling him by his GoF nom de guerre doesn't really make much sense

Does to me man. Does to me.

it seems like they'll put in for it together, once they get to talking. a good deal for the professional 6-qt. is $400. i'm sure ramses and molly's dad arent gonna cheep out on this one, unless she really wants turquoise.

That's what they get for not using the gift registry. I guess if they'd gone to Williams Sonoma they could have used the terminal there to check, and the second one on would have realized that the gift was already purchased...

Macy's.

A mildly funny idea (Roast Beef reads the police blotter and realises he has a guest) has just reached the joy point. The storm clouds gather, the relatives hit town, and we're already seeing wonderfully inappropriate meetings at the checkout desk of Crate & Barrel. Bring the wedding on.

Thanks for the recap.

Now, sayonara, Cynara!

(I don't actually want you to leave I just wished to make that pun.)

That Crate & Barrel clerk has got to be considering filing a claim for stress-related industrial injury at this point. I feel sorry for her or him, as the case may be.

First mountains of asskickery sporting pork pie hats, now ghosts from the less fashionable section of the British Isles talkin' about fuckin'.

Yeah. Yeah, it's Friday all right.

Tres amusant.

C'est fantastique!

La souris est sous la table..

La souris est en dessous de la table et le singe est sur la branch?

Oui, cest vrai.

Etes-vous le pr�sident de Burundi ? Aimez-vous.. le pain ?

Ah, Gerard Depardieu!

ananas!

Je Prefere le Brioche...

uuhhh...

Parlez vous le francais? le francais? non?..... uhhhh speak the uhhhh.... Francais? oui?

ah, non. Je suis desolee, mais je ne parle pas francais. je parle la quiche.

Je suis la pomme de terre! Mange l'enfant!

I do not believe that you are, in fact, a potato. Due to your blatant lies and deception, I am extremely skeptical about your request, and respectfully refuse to eat the baby.

He's not just any potato, man... he's The Potato.

"Is this the Potato Farm?"

"Yes, I am Albert Potato."

Bonjour mon petite bureau de change.

Ou est le piscine?

La ga^teau est un faussete'.
Ce n'est pas une pipe.

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