FiestaMax

FiestaMax 08/20/2007 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Beef has a terrible case of the Dignities.

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I'm guessing this is probably a bit more resonant for Americans than it is for me.

Oh yes, this is our culture condensed into weapons-grade form.

yes. I have a 'Suggestive Service' speech like that at the place i part time. The Dignities prevent me from delivering it.

Are the hot guts spicy? Can I get them Mild? Do you guys do cheeseburgers?

you can get them mild or without sauce all together. the cheeseburgers you can has also. for 2.99 extra i'll assume the fetal position so you can scoop easier.

no thanks I have a condition

No thanks, I don't want a condition.

chubby for 'can has', but I felt worse about myself afterward

I did the same thing, but I wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't pointed it out. How does that make you feel?

Not much different, to be honest.

Next time I'm at a Ruby Tuesday, I'll quote this strip to our waiter. If that is you, respond in appropriate form.

Do you work at Bob Evans by any chance?

you gained a chubby for me nt being able to pronounce the last word

One time in America I went to a Mexican restaurant and it was nice. It was in their nation's capital.

I have eaten many other mexican meals in America.

I like this story.

queso packer? excuse me?

the dish is packin' the spanish cheese

Apparantly, the more kitsch you get, the thicker your outlines are.

I can't believe it. This is exactly what its like to go to a Tex Mex place with my dad... only instead of being like Ray and ordering everything offered he also tries to speak spanish to the staff even though the last time we went out to one of these places we had an asian waitress.

Please Fed-ex your father to me. I am casting a sit-com.

My god, I love this comment so much.

Seriously. I went to chubby it only to find that I had already done so. While my memory deteriorates rapidly my sense of humour remains essentially intact apparently.

I have nothing clever to say about this, but I must let this one thing out:

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

why is beef so bent out of shape? we all know ray is paying

It is wrong on principle to pay so much for food. It is Asinine.

because he has a terrible case of the dignities

Now, you just wanted to say the word "asinine" and have it mean something.

Because Beef already has a fiesta name and it would get such bad things done to his food.

I fall for the word chipotle every freakin' time I see it on a menu. I know it's there, I know how it has altered my ordering habits, and yet... and yet...

The restaurant equivalent of Advertising Age must have run an article on the hypnotic effect of the word "chipotle" in the past couple years.

That is exactly my feeling, but it extends even past food. I would buy a Kia if the salesman told me he had one available in "Chipotle Brown".

You'll want to hope the Kia never breaks down, because you're going to own it for the rest of your life. The only thing less likely than a man buying a Kia is a man buying a used Kia.

Kias aren't Fords, dude. You can drive one down the road without fear of it blowing up every tenth of a mile.

That's the problem.

The problem is that there is a "fresh fast food" restaurant named Chipotle which I cannot see without going in and ordering a six dollar steak salad.

This is a problem.

it was the steak salad of my dreams!

Yanno, I didn't really think about it before, but you're right. When the guy mentioned the thing with chipotle, I was like, "Ray! Get that one!"

That is because chipotle is delicious.

One of the best things in the world to eat is chipotle-bacon macaroni & cheese. Totally worth fucking around with a recipe and grating cheese and such.

meh. i'm all about straight up Kraft mac & cheese. following that 1/4 cup milk and 4 tbsp butter biz to tha T! nothin' better.

I dig the incorrect use of the tilde on 'bue�o', too.

Also notice the � in "Muy Bue�o".
I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean anything.
That would be like "muy bwayn-yo" not "muy bwyen-oh"

Woah, Bacter is back! Anyway, 'Muy bueno' (very good) is always misused. the correct thing to say would be 'Muy Bien'. (very well) The basic thing to remember is that bueno only applies to something, like a quesadilla, and not a general situation. Also there's the whole male/female words in spanish, but usually an 'a' at the end of the word will suffice

'Esta quesadilla es muy buena!'

/sorry but i'm studying to be a translator.

Sorry, an 'a' at the end of the word will suffice when the thing we're dealing with is female.

'Esa perra es muy molesta!'

/yeah, i am healthy from The Dignities

Translation: This female dog is very Asherdan.

Te he dado una gorda.

Gracias por la gorda.

El Assetbar me dice, "Tu ya has dado bastantes gordas en esta pagina, Amistoso."
(Sorry if I messed that up; I just realized that I haven't read or spoken Spanish in almost 20 years.)

El Assterbar me dijo eso, tambien!

Zefiel, tell me if I'm doing this right.

Both comments are way good, I'm hella proud of you guys.

�Hoy en Espa�ol!

El perro caliente es muy aburrido!

Doesn't Darin' Aaron Magoo realize that Mr. Quiet has a condition?

I don't see why Beef's so hacked off. I'd take a mini sundae over a dumb name any day.

it landed on the tombstone. the sundae is consolation for being shot four times in the torso by banditos.

For Beef, it allways lands on the tombstone. Poor Beef. He'll have nightmares again tonight.

Oh Man I Am Definitely Jammin'

Was Beef afraid that he would discover Molly working there after leaving her job at Taco Bell?

Isn't she still working at Starbucks?

yeah, who could forget the hand-flavored frappuchino that led to Beef and Molly's engagement?

i take my handachino� with a shot of vanilla, less ice with a half shot of espresso

(ex starbucks employee)

you know what is SO FUNNY. The drink ends up tasting essentially like thick sugar no matter how many paragraphs it takes you to order it.

you have discovered their secret. i got a case of the dignities and quit.

Yeah, well, examine their customers.

[IMGS OFF]

Manuccino? (from Ital. mano- hand, because Starbucks is totally concerned with proper Italian etymology in their comestible nomenclature.

I guess 'Manuccino' doesn't work either.

I just order with an eight-second scream.

Beef has a rough time with Tex-Mex. Last time some guy was about to take a dump in the taco.

This is almost exactly how it is.

FiestaMax seems to be a pretty gimmicky joint, and beef ain't a gimmicky man.

this is how I feel whenever I go to a Mexican place that has few or no Mexicans running the place.

SF BAY AREA TAQUERIAS 4 LYFE!!!!!!! word up, homes!

the best place for mexican food is the restaurant open until 3 am across from the discoteca sanchez 2000 and the furia where the staff speaks no english, and the waitress has a baby strapped to her back.

in austin, that place is across the street from it's vietnameese equal.

And the mariachi busker who cruises through playing at tables.

It's sad that the problem outlined in this strip has necessitated various checks and balances for the real Mexican places such as the one described in your comment; there's a really good one here that always asks "onions and cilantro ok?" and "corn tortilla ok?" when I order Tacos de Carne Asada, for fear of American horror when their customer finds anything other than a crispy shell, ground beef, lettuce and cheddar on their plate when ordering something called a "taco"...

As if I would prefer iceberg lettuce to a nice bed of onions and cilantro...

I prefer the El Salvadorian spots, much more authentic, and you can't order in English, because no one speaks it

Mmmm, Mission district tacos.

for some reason I first read this as "Mission: Distract Tacos"

bwahah! I love how smiley Ray is in the final panel! Also all the wordplay is excellent!

beef is undoubtedly thinking about the fact that one of their quesadillas has over 1200 calories

seriously a typical meal from q'doba gas about that much

did you know a bloomin' onion from outback has almost 2000 calories

he is more concerned about the sodium content.

good thing you get fried oil shivers after eating about a third of one. its a safety mechanism.

I was thinking similar thoughts

Although not immediately relevant this strip did remind me of something. About a month ago, a waiter drew up a chair and sat on it backwards as he guided my family through the intricacies of the Pizza Hut menu.

'Let's see....we have pizza, which is bread, with sauce...also there are toppings...meat and vegetables...and one fruit...can you guess? Yes exactly! Pineapple!

Sometimes one can obtain pizza with banana on.

That makes two.

That's disgusting.

I'm a big fan of the waiter's ear piercing - it's another one of those "hey, they are cats" moments.

i think it should've been a ChokkaOaxaca sundae.

Muy bien! I do not know how to say I am all out of chubbies in Spanish.

N...no mas boners?

Si! No mas boners es bueno! I think?
In any case it will have to do, and I still haven't got any to give...

This mexican restaurant waiter is reminiscient of Nice Pete.

I find the facial hair, bowling shirt and earring of the waitcat to be unpleasantly reminiscent of those living in suburban parental basements and arguing with people about continuity in Lord of the Rings.

The facial hair, bowling shirt and earring are all part of the "FIESTA MAX!" required uniform.

Since Darin' Aaron is still in his "FIESTA MAX! FIESTA PROBATIONARY PERIOD!" he isn't required to sport any flair yet.

No, the guys in bowling shirts are more likely clustered around the register at a dingy record shop arguing about math-rock and Pavement. The LotR dudes are in black slogan T-shirts, or in their boxers, arguing online.

(sometimes the Achewood fans do this too oh sweet reason what will I do with my life?)

Ray is the kind of guy who would laugh and point at you for landing on the tombstone.

Nah, he's not laughing and pointing. He's saying "Damn this place is great! Beef, you just won a free sundae! You are a lucky devil! You must now surely agree that this establishment is the bomb, Beef."

Yeah, although I think it's not as much that Ray is psyched on Fiesta Max as that he's in his "I find this ugly dude named Napil to be hilarious!" mode.

The Dignities prevent me from even entering places such as TGI Fridays, Rainforest Cafe, Joe's Crab Shack, or Applebee's.

Freakin' rancidy-ass Outbacks.

heck yes.

All with the Coldstone Creamery management chillin' at the bar...

Grizzlebee's (from Sealab 2020)

Joe's Crab Shack sucks.

Rainforest Cafe is actually pretty decent--PLUS, plus, you can have a a lot of fun if you wait till none of the servers are looking at you and then yell "VOLCANO!" and listen as all the other servers shout "VOLCANO!", even though there is no volcano desert forthcoming. My friends and I did this once at the Rainforest Cafe in Disney World. Hilarious.

Apparently my Fiesta Name is Quick-Draw Clyde Candybuns.

I think that waiter is coming on to me.

[IMGS OFF]

He's lost weight.

i love that nasty white area around his head. awesome. such chubbies.

Don't hate me, honey bile duct.

You should not need both hands to hold a junior-mini children's sundae. I bet they serve the regular size sundae in a wheelbarrow.

Ray asks for chips. You normally can't avoid chips in a TexMex restaurant. Darin' Aaron is definitely still in his probationary period.

chances are they'll be those nasty fried flour tortillas as opposed to corn.

what makes this strip a 5 for me are the perfectly juxtaposed reactions of Ray and beef to this ridiculous situation. Ray wallows in the utter chintzy frivolity of the entire venture, for all his pretensions to class and style. Beef on the other hand, despite being from circumstances and acting hoi polloi and low in fancier climes, nonetheless has a massive attack of the dignities. I personally think this speaks to a subtle growth in Beef's sense of self-worth: I would hazard that an earlier, pre molly RB would not have enough ego to feel properly ridiculed by this situation.

previously seen in this blog by a one Mr. R. Beef Kazenzakis.

Where Aarons Dare

I get the feeling that Chris just came back from a visit to Rainforest Cafe with his shortle.

Shortle? Is that like when a young girl, in her young girlish glee, chortles?

Beef is about keeping it real and this place is just as authentic as Jack in the Box tacos. Plus any hardcore Mexican-American food dude needs to back his homestead taco stand. Roberto's Mexican food for life!!! (Vegas Chapter)

Jack in the Box tacos are made from a mixture of beef and TVP (That's Textured Vegetable Protein, for the layman). It's a soy-based product. So, it's a mix of beef and soy. Hooray!

My intake of soy is already at a maximum. Any more and I'll need Beano and a gentlemanly fan. Kudos to Jack in the Crack , however.

Oh God, this is so horrible and apt. The asinine names that give no pleasure except to the retarded (sorry Ray, but it's true) the horrible, sweat-inducing choices. The phoniness. I'm with Beef's angry eyebrows all the way. Ray looks stupid in the last frame. If someone pointed and made a 'woo' face at to me, I'd throw my free sundae at him.

They have an APPETIZER at Ruby Tuesday that has 2400 calories in it. That kind of fat makes you stupid. It clogs up the canals in your brain and makes you describe every dumb atrocity as 'cute' with a good-natured laugh.

I went to a Ruby Tuesday's for my birthday once and got a free sundae while everyone sang at me. While this is marginally better than the tombstone deal, nowadays I'd be with Beef in that situation.

there is an implacable but vital difference between being sung to and sung at.

similar to talking 'to' and talking 'at' someone.

I think that most appetizers are meant to be shared. If you had 6 people at your table 2400 calories split wouldn't be too bad, keeping in mind the average restaurant burger has about 3 days worth of your recommended saturated fat intake.

I think what's important here is how much we need some sort of a Flash or Java spinner to enable us - the laypeople - to also get access to our Fiesta names.

Ooh! Let me not get right on that.

the pierced right ear is a subtle touch.

Flavored Iced Margaritas: for the family dining connoisseur who wants an exciting new way to order a watered-down drink.

One time I had a frozen margarita at Taco Cabana, of all places, and for some reason it was strong as all get out. I didn't even finish the whole thing and I was smashed. Had to have a friend drive afterward.

I bet they sell oil salads and riblets.

For... for the monotremes?

Beef says he hates on wipe-down Tex Mex joints. Now I, too, shall hate on wipe-down franchises.

My fiesta name is Meatball Salad.
Ensalda de albondigas.

Ensalada.

30 years ago I spoke spanish. I can't remember the words but I know all of the grammatical rules.

I was at first wondering who in hell thought that tex-mexicans created funny names for themselves instead of drinking at parties, but then i remembered that Moe's has strange names for their food, such as "billy barou" or "art vandalay." neither of those names have a tex-mexican origin.

That said, Moe's might have some goofy ass names for their food, but damn it's good. Are there places that are really this obnoxious, and how good is their food? I'm going to play the role of ignorant american glutton and say that I don't really care about how authentic the cuisine is - I just want to know if it tastes good.

its impossible to make cheese fat and salt taste bad.

No, it isn't. Exhibit A: El Chico.

I went to a TGI Friday's chain in Beijing. I don't know if it is always like that, or whether the fact that I was served by surly chinese waiters made it more or less horrible.

If I had to work there I would not share such enthusiasm. I would wear a scowl of disappointment towards all of my customers. It would not be happy times for them.

I love Ray's expression in the final panel.

Anyone else notice the stink line above Beef's head in the last panel?

Aaron looks a bit like a skinny Rod Huggins

Love Ray in the last panel. It's like he's expressing 'Dude you won a sundae! You da man!'

Third panel. Greatest.

I use "I have a terrible case of the Dignities" to this day.

This strip is a prime example of Onstad's ability to perfectly depict stuff that annoys the piss out of reasonable people but that they can't explain in words.

Office Space. Am I really the first person who's gonna point out the similarities to the restaurant in Office Space? The Dignities even seems like kind of a shout-out to that part where the guy accuses the guy of having a case of the Mondays. Also, pizza shooters. Just chew on that for a while. Pizza shooters.

Canada is heading in this direction. Why we can't borrow more culture from across the pond I will never understand. I also could not fathom the proper way to punctuate that last sentence.

no we don't i have a condition.

I wonder if Phillipe named this restaurant.

I wonder if that man is filled with intense self loathing when not putting on such a great act.

I mean, people don't actually like those jobs! 'Taint right!

damn this strip gives me a case of suggestive diarea

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