An Uncomfortable Problem We've All Experienced.

An Uncomfortable Problem We've All Experienced. 09/05/2007 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Ray is the Larry David of there being a cumshot at his house.

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I think he just saw 'cumshot' and got a little frisky.

you prefer your five year olds without trousers?

Yes.

i think his "unfortunately" referred to manflesh being a part of achewood, not to phillippe's trousers.

Noooooooo!

I choose to believe that he took the idea of "cumshot" and the title "An Uncomfortable Problem We've All Experienced" and turned it into this slashfic that fully works within that context.

Good show. Even if it's totally crazy at least he's one of us.

"And... cut!"

"not even on a REAL Klingon! And I'd know, I was in jail, remember"

I lost it here.

Yeah, that was some pretty esoteric slashfic.

qwerty you just became my #2 favorite acheworld user

*Goes to bed alone that night and cries himself to sleep*

Only #2 because he misspelled masturbate.

Maybe a little. Isn't that a reasonable response to the good doctor's posts?

Yes. It was a terrible tragedy for the human race, each and every time.

mmmm... asherdan.

...is this necessary? My head hurts...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=149230&page=3

That just adds up to too much sodium for my daily allowance.

sounds British

you mean english. in scotland we deep-fry our cumshots.

That's the first I've ever heard a Scot volunteer that Scotland fits under the umbrella term "British".

where did i say that?

You corrected "British" to "English" to ensure that Scotland wasn't included. If you categorically denied that Scotland could be considered "British," you wouldn't have needed to correct wae.

Not to say that you actually do consider Scotland "British" -- I can't claim to read your mind -- just that your comment could be interpreted that way.

well, it wasn't meant that way. the guy said 'british' and i corrected him. he used british as an umbrella term, not me. saor alba etc.

Cae dy geg, Albanwr.

You sure about that?

He's either talking to Beef or Teodor. Hard to tell, since they both probably understand cumshot etiquette.

I can't see Teodor eating chili beans for lunch.

My thought's exactly. And Ray mostly seems to talk to Beef on the phone.

But the big giveaway is the self-pitying reply, along the lines of "at least someone in this world is getting some delight". I guess Beef and Molly are not enjoying bliss right now...

Only Beef would appreciate the fact that someone in this world got some delight for once.

even just such as a simple tug-job

Chubby for perfect persona, dude.

I hope he's not talking with his mom again.

Finally, someone has the guts to say what we ALL fear.

I was *willing* that to be the punchline

Beef probably knows it better, but only from book learning. Teodor, on the other hand, never went through with his apprenticeship under Rod Huggins. His knowledge is more likely of the "take a whack at it" variety.

Yeah, cuz Lyle -- the other usual suspect -- wouldn't even be answering the phone this time of day.

Here's the great thing about this strip...

If I were to wake up the morning after a big party to find a suspicious looking stain on the furniture, I'd immediately be able to narrow it down to two or three suspects, tops. Ray's parties are so off the charts he needs Hercule Poirot just to create a list of suspects.

Leaving a cumshot on a cat's couch is pretty rude.

Getting antsy and ejaculating at a friend' house I understand, but neglecting to even dab at it with paper towels is pretty pedestrian.

Little Nephew sheepishly asks Ray for paper towels and club soda.

When you do that, you are a toilet seat smoking a cigar.

Ne'er are you crossing my doorstep.

mome: keeping you informed

this coming from an "old" "female"

Are you suggesting that people LIE about their sex on the internet?!

Think of all of the problems it would cause in the community if Ray had someone over with a damn cumshot on the couch.

The alt text makes this one a 5, for me. Though it is hard to imagine Beef as the Jeff Green to Ray's Larry.

Yeah. If anything, Ray is the fat fuck.

Oh god do I love Larry David and Curb references though.

Larry david is pretty amazing

If Lyle is the culprit, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often

Lyle: Vomit > Semen

Has Philippe been 5 long enough that he's finally made it through puberty? I'll leave the implication of my comment up to you, discerning readers.

No, Phillippe got it on with Ultra Peanut 5 years before his most recent 5th birthday.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04092002

Augh, I never realised that's what they were doing until now!

I think they were just running around naked as children are wont to do. Don't take Philippe's innocence from him.

From that strip we can also see that Ray is partially responsible for the situation he is in now.

I vote for Todd.

Todd's relative size to the stain's stated height of "about a foot up," he would require killer arc to accomplish that feat; given his propensity towards a mind-and body-damaging lifestyle, it would be highly unlikely that he could manage said feat.

Examining the list of potential suspects for those who could A) have access to Ray's couch and B) lack the proper etiquette (without a tendency to favor other forms of bodily-fluid vandalism, e.g. Lyle), I must reach the logical conclusion that Little Nephew was gettin' his bone on, which makes the issue far more disturbing on many levels.

Of course it was Little nephew! Where was everybody else when shenred used his brain?!

Occam's Razor, people. Teenagers jizz more than anybody, and NEVER in a good place.

Too much jizz, too small an attention span - it was totally Little Nephew. Looks like it's time for Ray to have another discussion about the birds and the bees, paper towels and things it's just not cool to do on someone else's sofa.

Remember the vaseline talk?

Good point, but this is achewood. The least probable answer not only exists, it's having a gourmet hotdog chased down with a microbrewed pilsner for lunch.

If we were to use the principles of Occam's Razor then we would have to come to the conclusion that it was infact Ray! The theory with the least assumptions is that Ray was out of his head and left the stain, but in the morning he couldn't remember.
My main piece of evidence to this end is the fact that Ray is eating only a can of refried beans for lunch which is generally a behaviour attributed to the morning after a binge of some kind of substance.

Todd could have been standing on top of his little van. That would put him about a foot up.

Better not touch that stain, if it was him. Call in the hazmat crew.

Little Nephew has it on circumstances, but I think Todd may win on motivation

Agreed. He'd be all "I'll f-f-fuckin' jizz anywhere I want!"

I say Milkin.

Clue's in the name.

Maybe if he's standing on Blister's shoulders - although simultaneously keeping your balance while whitewater wrist rafting is hard for even the most agile of us.

got to be little nephew. teenagers can't keep their hands off their dicks. a friend of mine claims that when he was 16, he wanked 23 times in one full day, and failed to reach the magical figure of 24 because his dick looked like steak tartare. he should've used some lube, but i suppose you don't find out about that stuff until you don't even want to wank 24 times a day.

Your friends needs to find better things to boast about.

you're going to have to help me out with that, my mind is a blank. what can be better than having 24 orgasms in one day?

T--twenty...twenty-five?

Touche.

see, that's why i'm a loser. i would never have thought of that. what's the record, anyway? there must be a few people on here who can crank a goodly number out per day. this is the internet for fuck's sake.

If you started whacking it first thing in the morning in Japan, then start flying east, you could tack on several more hours to a single day and completely shatter this record.

If anyone wants to try this, get someone else to fly the plane and please stay hydrated.

Todd's the squirrel for the job.

Fly west, not east. Or, go to the polar regions in summertime, and wank for 4 or 5 months of daylight.

It's these sorts of inaccuracies that will keep me out of the record books. I'm picturing myself throwing up on swords to beat a sword swallowing record.

definitely onstad

When there is a cumshot here, it is NEVER behind the couch. Cumshots should be shot from the couch, not from behind it. Perhaps it was from someone who thought it would be rude to sit on the couch while Ray was not there.

I'd say he/they were probably hiding behind the couch. Although I guess the ejaculator would have to be perpendicular to the couch to squirt on it, which would be a much less effective way of hiding behind a couch than lying parallel to it.

It could have been a twosome, doggy-style (sorry, cats, that's the terminology), with slippage at the opportune moment.

That's a bit difficult to do. Apparently cats have these retractable spikes on their junk which prevent withdrawal until the deed is done. Which is also why cats screech like hell when they be getting their thrust on. I'd previously assumed it was a form of bragging.

The females screech. She also has the bad boy's teeth through her neck, which does not help matters.

Seven-kinky!

Unless, of course, you are short enough that a couch conceals you even while standing. T-O-DOUBLE-D

Eating frijoles refritos on their own is hell of crass. The only proper way to serve them is on the side of a big of grilled steak, mad cheese sprinkled onto them, pre baked nachos stuck on them for some raaad dippin'.

What, are you a vegan? don't you have to go buy dried bees?

Eh? Dried bees?

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01232006

fuck BBcode.

If the style in which it's written bothers you, why the hell are you reading this comic?

I assume he was objecting more to zefiel's extremely hamfisted and weak attempt at writing in the achewood style, not the style itself.

uh yes see i don't do that much anymore

Dude. I realize that the way in which Onstad gets Mexican culture wrong is always makin' you go "did he do that on purpose?" but we do actually know how to eat beans.

Not how to prepare them --most of us really do fish them out of a can marked Rosarita-- but at least eat them.

"A cumshot serves to liven up any lackluster upholstery in your household. Cumshots: they're a good thing." - Martha Stewart

Liven up an old cumshot by fashioning a stylish frame your fabric switches!

It's good to be Beef. He has

Motive = He and Molly get it on a lot
Means = He's the tallest character, making it easy for him to achieve the requisite height
Opportunity = He lives at Ray's house, none of the other characters do

It's also quite likely that he's talking to Ray on the phone. His 'oh at least somebody's getting some joy' is a typically lame Beef dodge that Ray is, characteristically, too clueless to pick up on.

Incorrect. Little Nephew also lives at Ray's house.

Hmm, true, but still unlikely to be him due to height issues

when i was a teenager, i used to be able to hit my own face. not that i ever tried to do this on purpose. my point is that a little nephew pop shot would probably move a football way more than a lyle puke.

oh, to be sixteen again...

The height is "one foot up." You don't have to be tall to leave a cumshot one foot up.

cats

So when Ray says "one foot" I am to assume one foot from the human world he no longer inhabits, rather than on foot from the make-believe cat world he spend his entire existance in?

I can never tell.

i think you have to go with 1 cat foot - if it were 1 human foot, and cat couches are proportioned to cat sizes, the couch would only be about 1 foot tall on the high end (assuming a 2 foot tall cat).

That's what I was thinking when I made the The height is "one foot up." You don't have to be tall to leave a cumshot one foot up. comment.

I'm pretty sure the characters shrink down from their normal 5-6' height to housecat height whenever a human enters the room. Just like how Hobbes pretends to be a stuffed animal.

There's no way it's Beef. He is far too ashamed of his body and it's functions.

When you gaze behind the couch, remember -- the couch gazes also.

gross

Now when Ray says 'rude', I have no idea what he means. Is it good? Is it bad? Who knows?

A lot of the time you can just count the u's.
Couch cumshot? That's rude. Rad titties? RUUUUUUUUUUDE

Hang on - 'cumshot' is a (porno) film term, not a euphemism for a bit of jizz. You can't have a cumshot on the back of your couch. Unless there was like a tiny TV screen showing the last five minutes of Steve's Party.

Since when is it out of the ordinary for Onstad to take a word and apply it to a new situation? Or just invent new words altogether? This is how memes are born. On a related note, there are some things you just do not do on a dudes couch.

Well, actually. The "shot" in cumshot refers to either a cinematic shot, or the physical "shot" of jism, ingested sometimes from a shot glass. Both uses are well established in pornography.

FUCK - that is Rude.

The thought of eating a big heaping bowl of refried beans by itself is pretty nauseating. It is, to me, roughly analogous to sitting down with a spoon and a bowl of warm gravy and just slurping it down.

Damn, man, I'd expect that sort of thing from Beef, but I thought Ray had more class than that.

I think Ray creates his own definition of "class."

naw, here's how you do it:

First off, it's gotta be Refried BLACK beans. Pinto just sucks balls. they gotta be warmed up, nice and piping hot, then you add a can of mexican tomatoes, and some sauteed garlic and onions. mix all of that together, add a couple shots of hot sauce (your choics), some pepper and a hint of salt (optional, the beans usually take care of this for you). Let this get nice and hot.

In the meantime, while that's heating up, get a cast-iron skillet and heat it up. get white corn tortillas (the small ones) and brown them. NO BUTTER OR OIL i am serious, you not going for fried here. once they starting to get a few tiny little black spots on a side, you flip em and do the same on the other. grill up about five of these to a can of beans. roll em up and serve alongside your beans. one of the best mexican comfort foods i've ever had. enjoy.

Oy my god, that sound so awesome and I am so hungry.

That sounds delicious but what sort of stone cold fool browns tortillas with butter or oil? That is just nuts

Try putting a CORN tortilla in some very hot oil for a few moments by both sides. Let excess oil drip off, and hella have delight, with some sauce or frijoles or whatever.

For dessert, now use a FLOUR tortilla, and fry it a little longer until it's nice and crispy, then get exess oil out, and drizzle with rad syrups or honey.

The original inhabitants of the Western Hemisphere, who invented them.

Well, FUCK those guys

that sounds incredible. i wish i didn't live in a dorm, else i'd hop on that in a second.

a note about browning tortillas: it's a good idea to splash a few drops of water on them and rub that around. don't soak it, just some lubrication to keep the tortilla from sticking to the pan. cause that kind of thing just ruins my day.

i get all Pat-like when i'm cooking and things don't work. i breathe fire.

Come over to my place and cook for my parties. I'll pay you.

hmm....

how much fliff we talkin about for this deal? :P

naw, really, is just a hobby of mine. I have a weird ability to figure out what makes shit taste good, even if you're given.... well.... shit.

you should see what i can do with leftover meatloaf and a can of good salsa...

Ray is classy enough to know that when describing a universal problem of a seminal nature to a friend of slightly circumstances via telephony, a choice of lunch that is common in three senses of the word will establish a commiserative tone of cool attitude between dogs, enabling a "hey man" back and forth to initiate with everyone involved all shootin the shit and splittin the piss streams until the conversation evolves into enlightened breast man topics.

I literally just spit my cereal on my keyboard from laughing at the 2nd frame

I bet it was Lie Bot. I mean, how do you know a robot don't ejaculate? You don't, do you?

Aw, he don't ejaculate none!

I know a robot don't ejaculate 'cause he told me so himself.

Why find out?

This is the first time I've seen this line not followed by 'BOO TO THAT'!
It looks weird.

Just look at Ray's face in panel three. Has a cumshot ever before been more hurtful? In Achewood one has a lot of love for one's couch.

Lyle.

I always assume Lyle is in a constant state of "whiskydick," due to his love of the "brown liquors."

he is sometimes also afflicted with PCP-Pants, although he has fewer problems with smack-sack than other members of the Achewood Family.

My vote is for Little Nephew, as well. How's this for a disturbing twist, though?

He was hiding behind the couch the last time Beef and Molly got they freak on and he couldn't resist.

And we have a winner!

I wonder if Ray is planning on sending his couch to meet with Onstad's couch in the great beyond (aka China) now that it's been defiled.

That's just rude. And not the good kind of rude, like a nice pair of rude titties. The OTHER kind of rude.

My intuition, honed by a multitude of L&O episodes (Original and Special Victims), is that the culprit is actually Ray himself! Last night, after getting his slant on for a few hours, Ray decided to clean the pipes and doesn't remember it. Dun dun!

Well he might still be a Sleep-gardener

Wait, there's the condemning evidence right there. It all makes sense. If only he still wore his gloves to bed his couch would remain cumshot free.

My intuition, honed by a multitude of L&O episodes (Original and Special Victims),

But what about Criminal Intent?

Seriously, would anyone not be this pissed about a cumshot on your couch? I know it would bother me is all I'm saying.

I think it was Beef. Dude lives in the pool house with his lady. Can't imagine that he doesn't sneak into the big house for some "skinemax" once in a while. Somewhere between the 4th and 5th panels, he gets defensive, but of course Ray is too cool to call him on it.

Hmmm... Little Nephew is the obvious suspect, but I think he's a red herring. Beef is defensive, but he wouldn't do this. Maybe he is protecting someone else. I'll go with Showbiz, who came back for the wedding and Beef has been hiding him in the pool house. Showbiz snuck into the living room at night and was taking an inappropriate amount of joy in Ray's Magneplanar speakers. The area directly behind the couch is the location of the acoustic imaging focus.

Who shot Ray's couch?, 2007's version of Who shot J.R.?

I was all a dream.

IT

It was all a dream.

The first version is so much more poetic. "I was all a-dream," as one would tend to be with visions of cumshots dancing before one's eyes.

Now that is some Mexican-ass magical realism man.

This one's a five, if only for the alt text.

I think Ray only eats a whole can of baked beans so he can pull it while looking at Rosarita, and then deposit conveniently and neatly into the empty can.

Do you think Ray puts on his Phone Jacket and mixes himself a drink consciously before he makes a call, or does he do it without noticing after he picks up the phone?

I think the jacket/cocktail accessories are more of a default setting for when Ray is inside, alone, and not otherwise occupied.

I further speculate that every single room in the house has a hook next to the door, jacket hanging, ready for use; as well, a small but well-stocked bar with chilled glasses standing by. No matter where he is, the default setting can be attained.

No "ssip"?

I wish I would wake up and find a cum shot on my couch. I wish I had a couch. *sigh*

It looks like your avatar is saying that.

I have a web-cam connected to update my picture every time I leave a comment and it turns out I always look like that because I come from circumstances.

I assumed after the first panel that he was talking to some police expert DNA sampler.

Me?
PBR can - yes
Microbrew Bottle - yes
Coworker's sneaker... - yes

Sweet Jesus. Did this cumshot happen during Phillipe's 5 year b-day bash? First Todd DIDN'T do 'all those cocaines' and now someone coated the cat's couch with greeze?

Achewood. What a world.