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Politics. 01/23/2008 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Please, Mayor Smuckles, don't hurt them. Don't worry, constituency, I will not.

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God Bless You, Ray Smuckles.

It is a requirement that at least one Achewood character be running in every presidential election.

The Achewood Party is taking form. It's certainly got a defining set of ideals, wouldn't you say?

Namely, that no one should be a cock to a stranger, ever.

Ray is kind of being a cock to that interviewer, though..

It's because the stranger did not wage peace.

I feel that they are not strangers. It's been a long press conference.

So long that Ray had to change out of his black jacket, into a grey one.

So long the black jacket faded into a grey one.

What I'm concerned about is Philippes pre-eminent mayor fixation relapsing.

I think there's a greater danger of that reporter's colon prolapsing.

Beef still hasn't given him the Pope test yet, though. I'm undecided until we see which way he jumps on that.

Lazarus would be proud.

About time somebody gave those reporter fucks what for.

Reporters can ask some assholey questions. I mean, what the fuck DO they think getting up in the morning is for?

The answer, my friends, is not prayin' and sweepin'.

ray smuckles: angriest presidential cantidate?

He is a close second to Mike Gravel.

Gravel/Smuckles '08!

Just you wait. Gravel will win this year, he'll come back, you mark my words.

Hey, this is why I'm voting for Mike Gravel right here:

When LiveScience asked the senator if he thought creationism should be taught in public schools, Gravel replied:
"Oh God, no. Oh, Jesus. We thought we had made a big advance with the Scopes monkey trial....My God, evolution is a fact, and if these people are disturbed by being the descendants of monkeys and fishes, they've got a mental problem. We can't afford the psychiatric bill for them. That ends the story as far as I'm concerned."

Seriously, it's like a combination of Beef's anti-social barely-concealed despising of idiots and Ray's in-your-face attitude.
Mike Gravel: the candidate who most resembles a hypothetical and unholy union of two male cats who don't even exist.

Well yeah man, I mean, it's sort of his platform after all...

[IMGS OFF]

No, this is why you should vote for Gravel. I mean, seriously.

jesus. I've seen that. it's horrible and hilarious at the same time. I still have trouble believing that he allowed them to make that.

oh, I was actually referring to this youtube video. i just assumed that's what you linked.

That url contains a malfordm video id.

was it this?

YES!

I always thought Gravel appealed to fashion-conscious punk rock kids who are convinced the modern day is a conspiracy-ridden dystopia.

not exclusively though

Isn't it? I'VE SEEN 1984...
.... OF COURSE I KNOW IT'S A BOOK!
HARDCOOOOORE!

Gravel: "As President, I promise to put rocks in their fucking place. Damn rocks."

That's when a man comes to your house and he just LOOKS at you. He just LOOKS at you and he knows that you LIED.

I didn't just accidentally watch an independent film, did I? I couldn't tell.

I think this one is his best.

Damn, I'd never heard of Mike Gravel before, but based entirely on his representation here on the boards, I want to know a lot more about him and possibly vote for him? Too bad I'm Canadian.

In some US jurisdictions your Canadian-ness is no obstacle to voting. Check with your precinct captain.

Every time I see this I wish I could chubby it.

I love that, in a quote that will almost certainly piss of some Christians, he opens with a bit of blasphemy.

Funny thing is, I was thinking last night about how there hasn't really been much discussion of religion on these boards. Not even when Retardo was being all "Look at me, I'm the gay stereotype homophobes assumed me to be in the first place! Yay! Who likes dick?" I would have assumed it'd come up then, but I guess not. On most other boards it heatedly comes up at least once, briskly descending into assholery and name-calling from all sides of the belief and non-belief spectrum.*

I mean, maybe I just missed out on some of it on the Quail Bible page.

I mean, we don't have to bring it up, I'm cool - I was just surprised, is all. Has it come up before I was here?

Heh, really made you think with that asterisk, didn't I? No, of course it wasn't a mistake. Just wanted to play with your frikkin' minds.

If you hold stiff, conservative religious views, chances are Achewood stops appealing to you long before you join Assetbar.

"What! Heaven is not an apartment building! And the LORD did not design the cat to walk and speak as a man; this is an Abomination!"

I'd chubby this is I could. Although, as a result of this post, from now on your comments are going to be in my great-aunt's voice.

"Prattlin'" has certainly been one of the largest problems of the last several presidencies. Way to go, Ray.

It's a good thing too, as Ray's tolerance for Corporate Prattlin' regarding misplaced curdic options is minimal: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7205992.stm

I attribute this directly to Ray's prattle-free campaign message.

SMUCKLES FOR A FLAT, REGULAR HAIR FREE AMERICA '08

Does that mean flat, regular hair, free America?

Or flat, regular, hair-free America?

I could vote for the one, but not the other.

I would vote for someone who promised to free my country of flat, regular hair.

Quote:

"Prattlin'" has certainly been one of the largest problems of the last several presidencies.

And yet, that is Exactly what we see you doing here.

Any you too, over in the corner snickering, bub!

And, well...me too. We prate, we prattle, we pratfall.

They've been saying for years that what this country needs is a president who is a cat and a vice who is 5.

I wonder if this is what press junkets were like back in the 19th century? Somebody would ask Lincoln a stupid question, Lincoln would march on down and slap the reporter in the face with his dick, amble back up for the next question...

It's fun to dream.

Lincoln didn't have to march on down to reach that reporter with his dick.

HEY-O!

Maybe so, but Lincoln didn't have two sets of testicles.

That is the greatest video since ever.

So divine.

NOTORIOUS L.I.N.C.O.L.N. dick slapper extraordinaire!

this. this is number 1.

Presenting: Ray Smuckles and Chris Onstad, with the best refutation for thinking too much about anything, ever. From now until November 4th, I will be disappointed every day that a candidate does not say those exact things.

Obligatory "Ray Smuckles: He Gets Things Done" post in 3... 2... 1...

That took 12 minutes to happen. I'm a little disappointed.

I apologize. I came as fast as I could.

that's what she said? zing?

too easy~

which is also something she said BINGBANGBOM-- ps red_dawn i just want to say im sorry i accidentally lamed you when a chubby was meant to be (i do not hate, i appreciate)

I balanced it out for you! I hope no-one accuses me of being a communist and beats me.

All waiting in the chubby ration line, and then suddenly realize that you just queued up for Lames. But whatever, it all tastes like gray and depressing anyhow.

Tonight: Is America ready for the first angry cat candidate? The beautiful Anne Coulter is here to talk about that very subject, and her new book, Spayed : Young Cats in the Age of Pusses (liberals that is you see). Lets play Hardball!

i understand political satire is a lot more cutting if you spell the target's name correctly, so :0( everybody

Holy fucking shit

Here comes a story?

Many thanks Chris Onstad!

Just when Huckabee thought he had permanently secured the Chuck Norris endorsement...

[IMGS OFF]
A vote for Ray Smuckles is a vote for a ruder America, today.

C'mon, I know I'm not the only gent with Photoshop out there, let's get this campaign rolling.

Oh, you bastard! beaten by six minutes:
[IMGS OFF]

Aha! I knew you'd be up to similar shenanigans as I. I approve of the Avatar, by the way; Bone is a fine, fine work.

The same sentiment goes back to you your avatar my friend; there is nothing more beautiful than a well-worn gas-mask.

Someone didn't get enough hugs todayyyyyyyyyyy

*hugs nbgreene*
There, happy now?

thaaanks guuyyss

Ray Smuckle
He Gets Things Don

This is perfect. It has been my policy to always vote for whichever dude that has the least mercy, and Ray happens to be a dude that Has Got No Mercy.

The fact that Ray is also proudly, in-your-face Rude just seals the deal.

Would Ray really be the first cat president?

Regarding Bill Clinton: ""This is our first cat president, more cat-ish than any actual cat who could ever be elected in our children's lifetime."
-Toni Morrison

I nearly peed myself after imagining Ray kicking an enormous ship so hard that the anchor dropped.

An event soon to be recorded in the Potty Pals newsletter. Nolan waits with bated breath.

That chubby was about one third content, two thirds using the correct spelling of "bated." I almost forgot I was on the Internet!

Yeah, I'm so used to the taught righting stile you fined on the internets that I cant quiet remember how Ingles is spoken anymore.

I would purchase a Smuckles '08 bumper sticker so fast my money would catch fire.

oh necessarily

Y'hear that, Onstad? And I don't even own a car.

I don't think this is convincing him. Burning money is notoriously bad for your overall profit margin.

You cannot tolerate prattlin if you're a member of the foursome.

Clearly Ray is taking over where Fred Thompson left off...

Tomorrow's headline:

2008 ELECTIONS PRECLUDED BY NATIONWIDE PUBLIC OUTCRY; MAYOR RAY SMUCKLES, ROAST BEEF KAZENZAKIS, AND RETURNING PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE PHILIPPE ENTER OFFICE AS FIRST AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL TRIUMVIRATE BY FORCE OF UNANIMOUS PUBLIC DEMAND NATIONWIDE
Current administration "forcibly ejaculated" from office (see pg. A7)
Demonstrators throng streets in all major cities (see pg. A4)
Smuckles, "The Electoral College simply can't deal with this, you know? When it's time, it's time. Simple as that." (see pg. A6)

ROAST BEEF: FIRST ELECTED OFFICIAL FROM CIRCUMSTANCES

I don't know about that, JFK definitely had some circumstances in his age.

You don't know the half of it.

Sadly there is a typo. It was supposed to say that "Demonstrators thong streets."

see, that's what i had read at first...

but then i was Wrong.

Damn! I was going to say that the minute I saw the word "throng." Then I scrolled down. Chubby for you.

Dammit. Read *all* comments.

"Demonstrators throng in thongs"? Too forced?

this is good

One of the reporters appears to have his mic stand grafted to his skull.

Panel 5 sums up a lot of important findings in political science and philosophy.

Not to mention economics and psychology.

Also geography. This is just a solid gold nugget of knowledge, folks.

another easy 5. please let this turn into a substantial arc. please.

Ray's been wearing clothes a lot lately. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

Now that he's monk dimin', he's got to cover up elsewhere.

Oh, wow! I never considered the connection between the monk dime, potential latent male insecurity, and a presidential bid. Too bad monk dimin' is worse than philandering, drug use, or Mormonism in terms of electability. And that's not even getting into America's dark history of speciesism!

There has been a bald president in collective memory, though. Not sure about the others.

But not one with facial hair since Taft, so the bloatee is out.

Ray Smuckles will be president! There comes a time!

"Don't get me wrong. The Ramones have their place in things, which is usually on a cheap car radio while the sole occupant of the car gets out to buy a package of frosted Donettes and some Camels from 7-11 at six in the morning. It's frosty in suburban New Jersey that day, and he slips a little on some black ice, but doesn't fall. To me, that's The Ramones."

I love Onstad.

Right-o, the blogs have been really good lately.

I particularly loved that part. I mean, I don't know if it's just me, but that's how I describe a LOT of things, especially music that I'm not into, movies or hobbies that I don't care for; describe a scene like that. "It's 10:24 AM, and in a double room on the fourth floor of a college residence, a guy majoring in kinesiology is passed out naked under a single sheet. His roomate is gone. The sun is shining over the pile of clothes in the middle of the room in slats, and there are three different kinds of deodorant spray on the bedstand. At 10:25, the guy's speaker system turn on to wake him up, and it plays for five minutes before the guy grabs the tiny gray remote to turn it off. To me, that's Audioslave."

I have been that sole occupant. More than once.

Beef is more the Chief of Staff type (despite dressing up as Dick Cheney in 2004). Ray's Veep candidate will be Emeril.

Beef is Toby Ziegler.

Are you ready for Ray?

all i have to say is:

[IMGS OFF]

thank you.

Don't Change Horses Midstream: Unless They're Prattlin'.

SMUCKLES FOR PRESIDENT '08

Ain't nobody like a horse what prattles.

a horse what prattles. band name up for grabs

THONGED CARTOON CAT WINS LANDSLIDE VICTORY IN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. PLANNING FOR SPECIAL 9-PANEL INAUGURAL ADDRESS STRIP UNDERWAY

achewood as doonesbury?

Lordy, that is one rude nick-n'-avatar combo you got going on there.

a chubby for good taste. thank you, sir.

It might completely fuck with the whole 'real' thing they've got going on, but can someone insert Ray into HBO's The Wire?

"Every day, I wake up a cat in a town that ain't."

Gritty realism is such a cliche in television programs about locales of circumstances. The Wire has needed the breath of fresh air that only a cat presidential candidate can provide.

Today at a canvassing event Presidential candidate Ray Smuckles confused and inspired voters by rounding up the city's homeless and herding them to the Motel 8. Mr. Smuckles was seen passing each homeless person a George Foreman grill and a knowing smile as they entered their new homes.

... Sorry Tom, this just in... Ah, we've been informed it was in fact the 'Motel 6'. Sorry for any confusion that might have caused. Here's Mike with sports.

Handled with aplomb.

5 for the MC Hammer reference.

[IMGS OFF]

I'm glad to see that Onstad seems to have an affinity for this album name (he also used it in a similar way in one of the zines), as it's always struck me as extremely funny, but whenever I use it as a reference, no one seems to remember it was a Hammer album. Good to see that someone knows how to use it.

Called it! Also, "anchor drops." Awesome.

Presidential candidate Smuckles nearly assaulted by three Tylenol gel caps with strings on them and an earphone with a Minnie Pearl tag; expresses displeasure communicating into old fashioned vibrators...
Developing...

It's the comment, the username, the avatar, the status -- all swirling in a confusing maelstrom, a fearful ripper of symmetry -- that begs for and can only begin to be satiated by, a chubby that I no longer have the wherewithal to give. Kudos to you, young charge.

If this continues as an arc, we may see the first instance of a presidential candidate getting distracted by his opponent through the use of some yarn, a minty plant, and a post covered in commercial grade carpeting.

Wait, I think that happened with James Garfield.

Wasn't Taft devoured by wolves?

And Gerald Ford was strangled by Zombie Richard Nixon.

That would've been hell of wolves; Taft was HUGE.

The only president to ever get stuck in the White House bathtub.

Dude, he had not that problem; they put in this tub big enough for four men and a small card table.

Chubby for the research. Who's in that tub anyway? Wilford Brimley and John L. Sullivan, the last bareknuckle boxing champion?

The workmen who were installing it. Sorry to disappoint.

The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick-maker, and President Taft.

That tub was installed after he got stuck. So's it wouldn't happen again.

You win.

Thanks to paying attention in US History class, I won an unimportant internet dsicussion! Thanks, paying attention in US History class!

Way too apropos:

[IMGS OFF]

Whoops, I was going for this:

[IMGS OFF]

One more try:
[IMGS OFF]

America could only hope for a leader like this. I salute you, President Smuckles.

"This country needs a man with a granite sack and legs of log... a man that slaps people who are talking. I am that man."

Hell yes!

Having 'a granite sack and legs of log' is just about the best way a man can be described. It means that he is RAW.

Since the main function of a vice is to attract bullets away from the President, RB is eminently qualified.

He'll also make Ray look more dignified by comparison in photos, what with the fat in RB's body all gravitating toward the camera.

Just like Al Gore.

If Ray becomes president, does Air Force 1 get replaced by Airwolf?

I am fully in favor of this.

Don't act like you don't know that Airwolf is faster than any jet.

No man, MARINE ONE gets replaced by Airwolf. Keep your presidential helicopters and airplanes straight.

Both Marine One and Air Force One get replaced by fucking Airwolf. It can do both jobs.

And the House of Representatives gets replaced by the head of Keith Moon.

The Senate: the worlds biggest laser.

The solution to Beef and Molly's wedding http://youtube.com/watch?v=q62acHffmaA

I think Todd would be a fun vice president.

"It's from all the f-f-fillabusterin' I've been doin'!"

Todd is probably a bad choice for VP. His stance on birth control could alienate female voters and he once messed up his taxes so bad he almost got lethal injection.

Todd's stance on birth control is more reasonable than Mike Huckabee's.

This is the most quotable Achewood since the end of the Potty Pals arc. "a man who slaps people" is gonna be my entire Xbox Live bio, now.

And does anyone else hope Phillippe's candidacy somehow comes into conflict with this?

Off-frame, Ray's tassled loafers read the Wall Street Journal. You know their politics.

I'm all for Ray as president, but it might bring up some complications with England

wait, is there a parallel Animal Presidency? what.

My favorite part of Ray entering the race is that he is the only candidate this election who has not done that asinine Bill-Clinton-squeeze-my-thumb-to-convey-sincerity gesture. What the fuck is up with that anyway?

That is what you do when you have the habit of pointing your finger at your audience.

Because pointing your finger at people makes them not want to vote for you. So your wrap your pointing finger around your thumb, so you don't look like you are pointing at people. It must work, he was elected twice.

And for real elected, not Supreme Courted or Diebolded. Actually be the winner type elected.

Making a fist implies that you are angry, a straight hand out looks awkward or Hitler-esque, and aggressive, a pointed finger is accusatory, a thumb up may imply inappropriate approval. In the middle we have the thumb tuck, or "fig" gesture, which is an ancient symbol of good luck. It is optimistic without being judgmental, it is abstract enough to sit in the back of our subconscious, allowing the user to play our emotions like an orchestra conductor, gesturing safely.

That goddamn thumb-tuck is the politician Jedi-Mind Trick.