Genteel Wherewithal

Genteel Wherewithal 02/02/2009 « prev 1st rand curr next »

$E.G., NEBUCHADNEZZAR STRYCHNINE \"GLORY\" LEADBOLUS OKAPISHRIEKER$

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...and life may now go on.

Ekizaingus Quicksilvertideglory Elmoscar Geldingdamn requests that you both be quiet or tremble in the presence of my pistolidora, Sirs. Choose your weapons.

[IMGS OFF]

As attourney for Mister Cockgobbler, I must advise you to not barrel into this. A duel for such a monor greivance woudl surely be a shot in the dark. If you would take stock of your actions, we could get a handle on this nonsense. I don't know what triggered this outburst, but you can be assured that gentlemen of such a caliber must be held to the ramrod-straight social code which keeps society from being off target.

Sir! Cease and desist in your flabberlipping, or your journey from this mortal coil shall be hastened by the hand of Dixie!

[IMGS OFF]

Sir. dammit...

I know a Mary Blanchard, but she is not much of a real Woman Man, or I would know her middle name.

...this is the kind of comment that usually appears further down the page

This trusty sidekick brooks no "lols," and doensn't care to know what they are

[IMGS OFF]

By the looks of him, I would bet his slaps are to more affect.

How [i]dare[i] you deliver such a delicious zinger*

*Interrobang!

I will not yell "Assetbar!" because that was my fault.

A chubby for your admission of fault in an age where many a man blames his folly on "technology". Why, back in my day, the italic tags hardly worked on your typewriter at all!

If everyone had that kind of sense, no one ever would've yelled "Assetbar" in the first place. It is never Assetbar.

Well, except for the plus sign, I guess.

Yell it italically.

Assetbar does it italically.

Get italic in
Kentucky

Indeed I do.

Assetbar has become sentient!
I should have seen it coming after HAL, WOPR and Skynet.

How about a rousing chorus of Daisy Bell.

I'm sorry Jeff, I'm afraid I can't BONE...BONE...BONE...BONE...

I thought I was the only one who knew that name.. CURSE YOU PBS AND YOUR DRY BUT HYPNOTICALLY ENTERTAINING....... entertainment?

My new deepest desire is that I will one day be feared and respected enough to command the title "The Hand of Dixie".

"...and his name was Township Maximilian Ransom Screammonger, The Hand of Dixie."

When playing America's pastime, don't forget to wear the cup of Dixie.

Drinking beer and watching NASCAR in your underwear?

I admire your gunption in making puns on such an occasion.

gentlemen of such caliber? you are a horrible, horrible person

you may also enjoy the other ten puns in that post

A ten-pun salute!

Well, it's been so long, I figured I ought to charge in, puns ablazing.

While not usually one to shoot my mouth off, I too cannot resist going ballistic.

I guess I'll have to bite the bullet and continue on with this salvo of puns. I aim to please.

SHOTGUN!

Dammit!

Shoot him before he runs now!
[IMGS OFF]

when i post to assetbar at two in the morning, it is much like being a drunk staggering out of a bar right next to the train tracks of the obvious train. i have come to terms with this

Chubby for "Geldingdamn."

Azazel Codliver Scurvy Platypustits

What news from the North?

The war goes; not well, perhaps, but it goes. Soon we shall separate the wheat from the chaff, the boys from the men. When the battle begins, I suppose, 'twill make no difference.

I heard the Spartans had a lot of trouble separating the boys from the men. Had to use a crowbar on some of them.

Some even got on the King!

This same dusty ground that felt the retreat of the enemy and taught those men the meaning of the verb "to live" in the human language will today rust red with their blood. The next news you hear from us will be in the miserable beaks the vultures! Morituri te salutant! Dulce et decorum est! ONWARD AZAZEL CODLIVER SCURVY PLATYPUSTITS!

Of the vultures, of course.

Those are absolutely gorgeous.

I'll let it slide this once keir, because it's apparently hot out. I also hear you're grumpy.

Thank you kindly, Keir Lamecatcher Snitthrower.

Chubbied for cosmic balance, disdain for literature, and empathy for people with abnormal sleep schedules.

thank god almighty, we are free at last!

Amen.

The uterus requires constant movement, else its possessor will lose her wits. I have devised a machine to prevent hysterics in young females.

orly does it look like this

[IMGS OFF]

Irosetw8, if that is orally, I fear you have misplaced your mouth.

He's a pachyDoctor, dammit! His comments are Never irrelephant!

But it could be a mammoth blunder.

tusk tusk, that was awful.

Let's just forget this ever happ...oh, damn. I can't.

You can't expunge it from your memory?

Dude, if you are in Texas in May, you need to go to this.

A Texas-sized slice of hell on Earth.

Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god. SQEEEEEEEEEECH!

DO WANT!

As a strong opponent to puns and a frequent planner of mass destruction in public places I strongly recommend that you do not go to that event.

You're an opunnent to my one love? man, words be gettin' more play than Tutankhamen.

Will you call yourself the Punisher?

you mean Punisher.

Guitarhero: He contributes.

Shirley it's a bit more complicated than that.

It's not...and stop calling me Shirley.

It took the bait...

In his defense it is a virtually irresistible set-up.

Her...In her defense. Although, in my high school years I was commonly confused for a man. Short haircuts in the style of Billy Idol could cause anyone to think a girl is really a guy.

My sister looks just like me. We even have the same haircut. She is often mistaken for me. Poor lass.

Your sister is a walking fungu ? How horrible !

[IMGS OFF]

Naw, I'm not a man given to claims, but it would seem to me that for a man so learned in the treatment of hysterics, you could have devoted some time to the treatment of the humors.
It would serve you well, doctor, if you would make some sort of effort towards the reparations of this.

(I like to think that wealthy men from the deep south are concerned about their women falling under "the hyumahs")

They're more concerned about their women falling under "the niggahs."

Which could be described as "Dark Humor"... And it comes full circle.

Next day I woke up and looked over to an empty other side of the bed then ran to the window and saw her walkin out of the slave's quarters, hair mussed, clothes wrinkled, a smile she tries to flatten just spreadin cross her face. I later overhear her telling the house mulatto negress to wash the crust out of her linens. And as she leaves I detected the note of bitterness on the negress's face and thought "All this time I thought she was in love with Troy the yellow boy that tends to little Johnny but it looks like there is a dark man in that shed who has made promises to her and now she don't know if he kept them true." So I wait and bide my time knowing that if I can get this childlike woman to trust me then I can use her for my revenge. Occasionally in our secret meetings I find myself taken by the knowledge that peeks through that must come from her white side. But such thoughts must be set aside the second they're thought. She's just a negress, no matter that Daddy went to bed with Althea and made her all those years ago. On the night she finally succumbs to my power I make sure my rubbers are clean so as not to produce retarded quadroon children and when I take her to my bed it squeaks and I know that vile woman can hear me and she enters just in time and I turn to her shocked face and as I climax I yell "YES YES Y'ALL AND IT DON'T STOP!"

YES

18th Century Interracial Slashfic FTW.

Lady liquids? Eeeew.

The Steely Dan perhaps?

Ah, I see you are referencing my creation myth

Hezekiah Cyanide Barnaclemange Cougaryowl

Am I the only one who read that as 'Cougar-y Owl'?

You know nothing's sexier than a mature owl who keeps herself in shape.

I would get arrested if I looked at that on the internet.

Man, nothing gets me hotter than cougar hooters.

Moist cougar hooters - love 'em.

Love 'em.... droopy? Wrinkled? Ohh, I got this. They are cougars, so, uh:

Love 'em, with poor quality implants that seem odd even in a shirt and in person are clearly lumpy and have badly placed tattooed on nipples to cover the scars but you can always tell that their asshole husband made them get these fake nuggets despite never wanting to pleasure them anyway?

Damn, that's some rough chuckles, 'bot.

You know what happened when the owl married the goat?

...

They had a hootenanny!

Sorry, I'm a little rusty. Lemme try again.

What do you call a fish with no eyes.

Fsshhhhh.

Fuck Ass that sounds terrible written. I guess that's a talking joke.

Why does Edward Woodward have so many D's in his name?

Otherwise he'd be called Eeewaaarwooowar!

Yeah, that didn't work either.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

Nothing, he won't be able to hear you anyway

No eye-dear.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Venison?

Still no eye-dear.

an easy target.

nothing she hasn't been told twice.

He broke his eyes, and blood came pouring out! Some even got on the mayor!

What do you call a deer with do eyes on an island made of coral?

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs on an island made of coral?

no-eyed deer atoll

har har

ah yes, but what about the cougie's cootie?

O RLY!!!

No, you are not.

Yay new strip!

I'm a quiver like Roast Beef.

You may ride the back of a man named Robin, but I don't think you are a quiver.

oo!! yes~

Whoa. False Chatbot alarm there, I_Love_Kate.

falsechatbot is what happens when lechatbotte and I do the Fusion Dance.

[IMGS OFF]

I didn't have time to PhotoShop this, also there are no known pictures of lechatbotte IRL, so if anyone cares to take up the mantle, by all means.

FUSION, HAH!

Whatever man. Looks like two Polynesian chicks about to fuse.

I am basing my conjecture that they are Polynesian on the ocean behind them.
DO WANT.

They become...DOUBLE POLYNESIAN GIRL!
Also, Burst Limit is a fucking phenomenal game.

My burst limit with a double ploynesian girl is pretty fucking low.

The Fusion Dance also produces a fast Neutron Dance as a byproduct.

For a reason i could not understand, i bursted. Thank you mr Paper

Don't be getting too friendly with the space bar, lrosetw8.

This needs to be something that happens, I may need to name a descendant someday.

Ezekiel Laudanum Blarneystone Wolfhurtler

I like the idea of someone "hurtling" when angry.

Hurling a wolf. It falls in the same vein as gorilla boxing or bear kicking.

Those are both great names. Gorillaboxer. Bearkicker.

So they are, my son. Yet Great Spirit has spoken. Your name will remain the same, Two-Dogs-Fucking.

Pratchett?

MY NAME WAS MADE FUN OF?? GRRRAAAGGH!

Clatter crash thud tink tink spinspinspinspinnnnn

Liked this strip more back when I had to pay to see it.

Uh yeah, my feelings on this asset are "i have already seen this asset."

Man, um, in no kind terms, go fuck yourself gormster, no one here gives a shit that it was on the Premium stream.

except hunblesocks

Somebody, get some CGI scripting all over this! I'm not smart!

Somebody already did back when it was on the Premium asset stream thing.

http://www.daisyowl.com/achewood/

This proves my not-smart status. On a completely unrelated topic...

Izaiah Arsenic Rottingdeck Pigbelcher

Thank Grud this was worth the wait!

Ezekiel Alabaster Carbuncle Jew-canal III

Azrikam Plumbium Salteye Tigerscreech

Sixtus Arsenic Rickets Badgerwalloo

Obadiah Caternary-arch Turbinium Rendwolf

(of the Boston, Vladivostok and Addis Ababa Rendwolfs, a cadet branch of the House of Munso)

Dr. Pernius Tecumin Jobhook Pinnerton.

That is all.

My name actually is Cornelius Mansfield Salthouse. Not as cool as you'd think really.

Methuselah Thalidomide Scurvy Elkyodeler!

I'm Eurypterclyterus Laudanum "Sharksfever" Niggerberyl.

Balthazar Banewort Blunderbuss Beaglebellow.

Not sure about the last two, actually.

Barrelblight Eaglebellow?
Beetlebite Beaglebark?
Binglebert Brandybank
Zanglebert Dingledack
Winglebert Humptyback
Cringlebert Fistybuns
Zinglebert Bengledack
Slut Bunwallah

Elbowthwaite Bisonitsnotatumor?

Finally!!I've been pressing 'refresh' for close to 2 months!

A chubby for the Izzard Reference!

Sir Baron von Vaderham of Cheam?

Ezekiel Barium Hullbreach Bisonshout

Binblebert Brandybank sounds like a hobbit

Augustus Asbestos Scurvy Cowbellow.

"jew-canal III." To meet a Canal would be erie - I would walk the other was suez to avoid them completely.

What's with all the terrible punmanship today, guys? Your gradeschool teachers would be so disappointed.

A leaden bolus would truly be terrible, but I don't know if it's particularly a maritime disease.

That sounds like that picture stereo posted on the last strip.

Or you achilleselbow, you did it too.

Zebadiah Glory Malaria's Agues Oxengrunt.

This shall be the name of my proper-ass future son.

Elkanah Apatite St Elmo Negrobane.

Has a nice ring to it. "Negrobane" really sells it.

He is the bane of negroes.

Trent Lott?

Oh man I am at work can someone please photoshop Trent Lott's face onto Bane's body? Here are your materials:
[IMGS OFF]

[IMGS OFF]

whatever you know I wasn't really busy

[IMGS OFF]

The best part is that this is plausible. Trent Lott would see Batman's suit, assume he is a black man, and go into Negrobane-mode and kill him via repealing the Civil Rights Act.

Also he could snap his spine next to a tweaking dinosaur.

You're thinking of Senator Byrd.

Larry Byrd?

Cousin Larry?

Jethro?

Dude that is way more awesome than I could have done on my own. I mean you even got the colors to match and everything. Well done sir.

I do this stuff for a living.

Y'know, Photoshop the heads of mean old men onto super-villians.

Zacheus Antimony Sargassian Chinkrock

Chubby for "chinkrock"

Chubby for Antimony. Such an underrated element.

Such an awesome character in a very good webcomic.

antimonypenny.

For example:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluoroantimonic_acid

"20 quintillion times stronger than 100% sulfuric acid."

(I tried to relate this to Achewood via Cornelius, but the result was not funny.)

I love especially how Beef is quoting a Wikipedia entry even though he's reading a book. (Unless that's a Kindle; is that what a Kindle looks like?)

Beef has clearly printed and bound archival copies of Wikipedia.

Thats because the only references of the wikipedia entry is this book. D'uh

A Kindle looks kinda like that, but less like a screen and more like a cock and balls (I don't know what a Kindle looks like)

H-bot, that's brilliant! We need to run that up the flagpole by Smuckles Marketing and see if they salute it! ASAP!

You're thinking of a Nintendo

Under the terms of the Wikipedia Licensing, this cartoon itself, as a Modified Version, apparently is now freely redistributable and remixable under the terms of said license.

In a dusty office in Cambridge, MA, a grey-bearded man named Ezekiel Tributyltin Scurvyspine Stallmanquartz chuckles deviously. The virus is spreading nicely, he reflects as he carves another notch in the side of his desk. He then drinks a sip of absinthe from a mug made from the hollowed-out skull of capitalism.

Jesus Pigeonheart Potassium Lily

The worst old fashioned name. God damn this is more fun than the Sexual Activity.

Colonel Lingus Roachflour Keelscrape Whopfracture?

Colonel Lingus. I love it.
Phil Hatio.

Lord save us from that awful sexual activity.

A query:
The platypus, though blighted, egg-born he,
Bears on his foot a lonesome, loathsome claw.
This claw upon his paw should kindle fear,
And glor'ius is his Latin sounding name.
How saddened I, how melancholy be
to lose this quadruped from names distinct.
What say ye heros of the Assetbar
Who float atop the internetic flood.
A platypus for naming, I beseech you?
Or needst I stray from egg-born beasts en masse?

Whatever.

[IMGS OFF]
For your consideration

Brian Jacques is that you. I knew it was you Brian Jacques.

Only Brian Jacques could make a platypus look badass.

across the the United States eh?

The man just got back! One should not make fun of his stutter!
[IMGS OFF]
(One should also not post a picture, for posterity.)

Was it a stutter or a hard case of copy and paste?

[IMGS OFF]

Actually, after reviewing the history it appears that the wiki was Assetbarbarized in honor of the strip...

Aaaaaand the double-the is in a different place, so nice job pal

It would appear that life is following art (or vise-versa).

Truly.
[IMGS OFF]

Sir Aristotle Mercury-Fulminate Whitesquall Cannonroar, 5th Earl of Ironhall

When I was four or five, my father informed me that, had he had his way, I would have been named Zachariah Hezekiah Jeremiah.

I have not trusted my father since that day.

My dad wanted to name me Ironhead. My mother would not allow him.

I have never forgiven my mother her folly.

Hmm. After the Harley, or the song by Helmet? If it's the latter, you're far too young to be reading such as Achewood.

I don't think he wanted to name me after a motorcycle, but then again, I am pretty stupid.

"Man, this baby is fuckin stupid. Can we name him after a motorcycle? I mean, look how stupid this baby is."

"I mean, six hours old and he can't even fuckin' talk yet! Idiot. Idiot baby."

Still, it was a nice touch he nicknamed you Rusty.

The problem is that it rhymes. Dante, however, is an excellent name for a boy. Romantic, but not effiminate. Classic, but not overused. Powerfully masculine, but not meathead. A most ideal name.

Did you mean: Dainty?

[IMGS OFF]

This is no man to be trifled with.

Ogne Lasciante speranza, Voi Ch'instrate

I was supposed to be named Thaddeaus, and I'm still pissed it ain't so.

My girlfriend's sister was (and possibly has been long distance for quite a few years... it perplexes me) dating a young man named Thaddeaus. He besmirched his proud and noble name and when by Thad. That is terrible. Not only is it an awful name on its own, but it ruins everything great about his proper name.

I know nothing about him except that I loathe him.

My lil' bro had a fake ID named Thaddeaus. One time my who nuclear family went to some wineries out in California (the family that drinks together, uh, gets drunk together) where they carded me and my bros, who all look alike. So it was funny when they got to ol' Thaddeus with a different last name. What are they gona do. What are they gonna do if a kids' folks want to get their kid all drunk on free wine samples.

Refuse to serve you in accordance with the law. That's what.

The only time I went up to the wineries was sadly in Winter, it ended up raining all day, and the friend who wanted to go and was visiting from out of town -- the only one who drinks as well -- had left her ID back at our apartment and didn't realize it until we got there.

Your who? Your nuclear family?

Mattylite is from The Oblongs.

(The joke is that mattylite did not type out the entire word "whole" and thus his post says "my who nuclear family".)

I just want you to know I just spent a good minute tryin' to figure out a Keith Moon joke but I gave up.

The Kids Were Alright.

Agghhh should've read the whole thread first. Next time. I won't get fooled again.

You definitely shouldn't come out here to the field. It's a teenage wasteland.

Yeah, my generation doesn't take good care of their property.

Belshazzar Xantham Jibswing Donkeygrowl

Miss Eliza Mercury Hornblower- Tapirsquee.
Blimey...my real name is worse than some of these.

I know a horn you could blow

Nudge Nudge

Psst, spinni, I...uh...I think he's talking about his junk.

See!!I had to have two weeks away after reading his comment.

"Eye of the Tiger"
as made famous by
Lyle's Cock

I think panel nine has the happiest Roast Beef expression of these times.

Or any other.

Habakkuk Niacin "Barracuda" Kikecliffe

Sounds like a perfect eskimeau name. Try harder dude

enpenioc is a perfectly cromulent word.

"Anfy esuw rirrogli, rao oro dodib tyse ke nepetse enpenioc lota; fagoi segel helenta soshehmo ny sehemi, ile acte nam nenucin! ..."

You're a fagoi.

(What is that, though, seriously?)

A gay Gentile?

Oy vey, what is UP with that hair, girlfriend?

Wouldn't that be a gay Jew? Or just a gay Jewish wannabe?

I tried to write for gay Jew but I don't know that many Yiddish words that would fit the description, so it's just a gay Jewish wannabe.

Sorry I failed you guys...

I don't think you understand the meaning of either goy or Gentile.

It would be someone who is not Jewish.

It is a term about dicks.

FUCK. I read that as Jew, how did I manage to fuck THAT up.

Because you're a schlemiel.

I've got a nice shiksa though.

Nonsense! Everyone knows you're a faygeleh.

And meshuggah.

ITS JEW DAY AT ACHEWOOD

I theenk Joo misspelled Joosday.

Juiceday.

I had a cup of Apple Jews today.
Now I got the schoingles. Phooey! Oi gevald! This prost is shmuts.

"schoingles" sounds like something out of Scooby-Jew.

Like, schoingles, man! Let's get outta here, Scoob!

BOINGADA BOINGADA BOINGADA PTWANG!

Chubby for making me actually hear "schoingles" in Casey Kasem's voice and for accurate Scooby-Doo sound effects.

I was going to mimic the classic Xylophone Run but that's strictly Fred Flinstones' tiptoeing bowling style and has no place in the Scooby Dooniverse.

Does it sound Yiddish though?

I thought it sounded Yiddish. It's the only term of these that I made up.

Yes, New York or Jersey Yiddish. It sounds like maybe a rectal itch or a prostate problem. Or both.

You say that with the steely confidence of a person who has sampled Yiddish from all over the world and knows New York-New Jersey Yiddish to have it's on distinct flavor.

It's

OWN

Distinct Flavor.

Its, Nice. Not it's.
Anything more to add, or are you content with your Expert Shmendrick Level I?

Oy, your kvetching, ya noodge.

I just found out "noodge" is Yiddish; I thought it was Italian. And "megilla" too. My family, while not Jewish, uses an obscene amount of Yiddish.

This is because Yiddish is awesome at expressing dissatisfaction with life, the universe, whatever.

Life, the universe, everything*, schlemiel.

Maybe Jew and Me can be Amigos?

Maeby, Jew Amy Cammby Amigos.

This is a thing to do?

It's a joke about penises! On the Internet!

If you prick us, do we not cum?

Indeed, that quote embiggens all of our hearts.

and lightens our wallets.

I almost have one of these names.

Almost.

I shall provide for my sons what I was denied!

...and should I sire daughters, they shall be Christened "Procne" and "Philomela", and be told strange and violent tales before bed.

The End! No moral.

I should also note that I once remarked to my long-lost "Polly" that when were espoused I would do my duty in the marriage-bed, but that she was otherwise to leave me to my pipe and the hunt.

Dr. W. Vinegar Agincourt's just being obtuse. Everyone knows California's sold by the pound.

No, not pound, kilo.

Dr. W. Vinegar Agincourt is not the sort of man to bother with your trifling metric system.

He measures distance by the foot and the pace, his own foot and pace, that is, and his standard for the pound is his own left testicle.

(The right one was bitten off by a Cossack in the Crimea.)

I see we have a Cossack in the audience...

the increment by which california is sold is precisely the length of one regulation surfboard.

dude.

Is that a Imperial, American, or SI surfboard standard? And if we were measuring speed of said surfboards for comparitive purposes, would we approach it via the standard USPAP-approved 'furlongs per fortnight' metric?

Not to mention the type of surfboard. Would a parcel measured out from a traditional Hawaiian longboard carved out of koa matter more than one stepped out from a Channel Island fiberglass model?

I mean, we're looking at a Sales Comparison Approach, with a neighborhood description, site and building plans with zoning report, and a history of surfing write-up, not to mention taking pictures of the aformentioned boards. I'm ballparking the appraisal for $3000, so if you could slide me a check and a signed engagement letter, we'll see what we can do.

I always felt left out in grade school because I only had a first, middle, and last name, and no maritime hardship.

I chose Elmo of St. Elmo's Fire as my confirmation name. The monsignor told me it didn't matter that that wasn't a real saint, he said "It's kickass enough that noone [sic] will care."

But then Sesame Street had to come along and ruin it. Again.

I know. God.

Beef didnt even smile that much at his wedding. That asshole.

Not mentioned explicitly herein is the secondary, but crucial, role of Eyewear in establishing Propriety of Aspect.

Thaddeus Sycamore "Jojo" Beetlewhip IV is not amused by the japing of good meritorious Christian names that goes on. Have your seconds meet my seconds; it's pistols at dawn, you cur!

Actually I don't like the last name generator, it sounds too Native American and men like these were either WASPy Americans or Britons.

Shall we say pistols at dawn?

Well, we can say it. I don't know what it means, but we can say it.

Long knives in Feb'uary's amber gloaming.

Long knives for th' poking of one's foe from afar; the length of one rum wagon is the gentleman's distance.

No, none of your nancy-boy fencing nonsense. This is to be a proper knife fight. That is when you know that your duel is serious. This is a matter grave and cruel and I shall have my satisfaction.

Pistols are for the dandy and the loudmouthed braggart who views the world itself as a slight for refusing to recognize his obvious greatness. A sword? The pretentious fop who wishes to show his skill at fencing more than he cares to rectify his aggrievements.

Knives are the weapon of a gentleman who seeks proper redress.

In my corner of the swamp, sir, it's bare knuckles and knee-thrusts. Call it the Okefenokee Waltz. Boxin' ears in 3/4 ain't no tickle match, son.

I do it in 5/8 with a brief bit in 6/4. Progressive violence.

Callow youth!

Ah, but the complex nested polyrhythms I beat into your soft flesh show that I care about my art. It is the touch of a professional to provide you with such a beatdown.

Such dandyisms shan't stain the pants of manly etiquette, not while I'm around. At your guard, poltroon!

Does it look like this?

[IMGS OFF]

We will say it. Whoever says it best wins.

Hezekiah Melamine Black-Syphilis Boarclodder

Aziariah Leadpea Elkoath, Esq.

Jozekeria Saltscrum Badgerfuck, III

I'll name him Ezekiel Jesus Ezekiel. And that's from the Bible.

Does anyone else think that simply taking "Premium" updates and posting them regularly is a bullshit way of posting "new updates"? (This "new comic" was posted a good while ago in "premium lounge")

Well, no, I think it's quite nice actually, because I don't pay for the premium stuff so I think it's nice that he gives the moochers something entertaining to ogle. I don't demand much of my free entertainment.

I will admit to a fleeting sense of disappointment when I realized this was not an entirely new comic, but I don't think it's out of line for Onstad to do this. Only a relatively small percentage of Premium content makes its way to the free pages. In the last week (or so) alone we've learned 50 facts about Ray and Beef (via the facebook meme), got a free look at the next 'zine, read purity tests filled out by Ray, Lyle, and (probably) Emeril, and learned a bit about Teodor's secret thoughts of Siouxsie Sioux. We also got two strip previews and a conversation which will (likely) be worked into a strip, although that's stuff that will admittedly become available for free.

Overall I think the investment is entirely worth it at just $3 per month.

I don't know. I definitely think it's within his bounds to post secret strips later on as non-secret strips, but to return from a near-month absence with something I've already read, well that just cooks my chicken.

Though to be fair, I don't pay for the premium content, my homeboy does and I just reads it.

Wow. Way to lose all of your moral high ground there.

You know I hate to bitch about this shit, but the hiatus has me on edge. Anyway, yes - I admit that I rolled my eyes pretty fucking hard and was heard to groan loudly when I saw that this was what we were waiting for. This is not a new strip.

Just had to get that out. Onstad, I love you more than you'll ever know. What you do is OK with me. The end.

I think, perhaps, that since he has stated a strip for Tuesday at midnight he was working on a new strip, didn't have it ready in time for his listed deadline (by no means a new idea) and decided to sub in something that the non-premium (I would assume this means the vast majority of readers considering how few of even us hardcore fans pay for it) members hadn't seen so he could at least try to fulfill his promises.

Frankly I'm glad it went up because I quite enjoy it and hadn't seen it before, but I can see the concern from the premium members.

I believe all of that and I agree. I'm just being a little selfish. Let me be a little selfish.

You can't be just a little selfish. It is an all-or-nothing proposition.

A little shelfish? Like Sea Monkeys?
[IMGS OFF]?

Would you believe that I was thinking about these when I that? Naw. You probably wouldn't.

...WROTE that...

That's happening to me more and more these days. I drugs.

oh, dang it. I'm out chubs.

If you look at that in just the right way it looks like a vagina. It so very much looks like a vagina.

holy shit it does.

A vagina with an exoskeleton?

Eurrgghaheha.

Some men are uncomfortable around the word. Exoskeleton.

You mean a woman?

I might just stop paying my free.

Anyway, how regularly has this happened? I'm not being lazy this time; I can't find out.

seriously? I don't mind in theory at all, but I do think it is weird that it took so long to post; when it must've been completed awhile ago.

Whatevs, it is free.

Melchizedek Alum Dysentery Darkicliffe

Also, in my research I came across this and it made me happy inside.

hah! I sorta want to know what context that could possibly fit in... but it's probably more perfect as it stands, a snowflake in the sand.

You want to know how the mariner.org disease worksheet fits in this context? I'll just you think on that for a moment.

I like to think it is a game for morbid children. After they fill in the blanks they get to color the sailor in sickly hues.

I... I, uh...

I don't think 'scurvy' goes there...

Scurvy goes where it pleases.

NO: Kiwi Chalk Dogwood

All phone calls received by yours truly after 5pm will be answered "WHAT FOOL DARES INTERRUPT MY EVENING TINCTURE?!?"

tincture > poultice > unguent > tincture

My new nome de plume (using the strict algorithm: Theocritus Pablum Keelhaul McBasalt.

I'm going to attempt to link to the Gentlemans Emporium here, but I'm too nervous about assetbar doing something horrible to be clever about it.

Man, if AssetBar wants to live in the modern web, it needs to allow longer names, like Whorelingus Glory Nutcroup Dagogrinder. I even have an avicon perfect for this.

Where can I get one of dem dere dagogrinders? Also, I could use a kroutmangler, a swededicer and a gooksmoker.

Those are good, but what's a good slur for Swedes? This is key, given my Viking heritage (de borgborgborg)

Herring-eater.

Volvo-builder
Classic-porn-maker
Sauna-steamer
ABBA, actually that might be going too far.

The wikipedia entry for ethnic slurs has nothing for the Swedes (while my heritage gets "white n***er" among dozens of others). Maybe Swede slurs are redundant -- after seeing many Bergman films, I wonder if there is anything you can say to a Swede to make them feel worse.

You could mistakenly call them Norwegian.

While only 1/8th Swedish myself I am led to believe that this would indeed be a relevant insult.

Historically, Sweden was ruled by Denmark for centuries, and to the Danes calling someone a "Swede" was like calling someone a Polack or any denigrating ethnic slur.
So, to insulut a Swede, you basically call anyone else a "Swede" with a withering, Danish tone.

hth.

Should tell my sister that, she's in Copenhagen.

Hope she didn't get stabbed by a crazed half-Swedish Dane with identity crises.

Bergman-watcher.

Lazarus Glorybabies Cabinboypregnancy Wopstone

Cabinboypregnancy! Yes!

Zephaniah Xanthiosite Typhus Ostrichfuck

Shit. I guess an ostrich is not a quadruped.

Ah, but when in love's embrace (as you cited), there are four peds.

Not really. Ped means foot, and a wing, even in the throes of love, is still not a foot by any means.

When embraced, there would be two feet right behind the ostrich. That was the joke.

What, you can't look the Ostrich in the eyes?

Not when his head is in the sand.

It would appear to be a five legged creature with the head and upper torso of a man.

Six legged after I pull out

After I pull out, all you will notice is one foot.

By the time you see one foot, I won't be done pulling out.

Myth! Once again, we must reference QI. That show is brilliant.

Zephaniah Xanthiosite Typhus Loveembrace.

I think I caught that once in North Africa.

How it got in my immune system I'll never know.

Lazurus Plumbum "Scurvy" Kudugrunt

Herodotus Glory Hardtack Badgerflush

Mother's maiden name was Molebastard

Ezekial Mercury Albatross Vermingrowl

I HAVEN'T EVEN READ IT YET I AM JUST SO SO HAPPY

I sure wish you condensed your own comment production to one damn post a year. The guy ain't got no obligation towards your whiny ass.

I know you'll be hearing a lot of this, but let me go ahead and throw in my two cents anyway: Shut the fuck up. Go away. You fucking waste of space.

you stupid fucking cunt. you fairy. you company man. you fucking child.

I'm not hearing any slaps, farqussus. I don't zink your heart is is ziss?

Richard Roma doesn't slap.

Right, right, my bad. Tony Montana, he slaps.

Ohhh fuck. In before shitstorm.

Oh my god, shuuuutttttttttttt upppppppppppppppppppppp.

Hey everybody, just thought I'd poke my head in now that I am not required to look at three thousand different posts. I see you have a new troll. He's cute.

Yes. Yes, good strip.
[IMGS OFF]

I don't even know who that is and yet I heard his voice with perfect clarity.

Zackaria Xander-Root Mastrot Bastardby Esq.

Ah, genteel wherewithal, and perfect strip title for a poet like me to join in on. (My absolute first post is on the first strip, of course.)

mans acheswud so truf 2 day. mens b bishes al e-rond 4 a fact (i m include stupe guido meatheds) is lik i m onli reel man lebt in worl i fels lik rambo musta feld in 60s... ib he wasnut and bish iselb

her is jokes 4 grly men 2 lab at:

I ad and dreme lass nite dat wat i did was eat and enormous marshmellow, an win i woke up? MA PILLA WAS GONE! i muss admit 4 joke as this i prety find lol on my own ib an onist

lol

man, Achewood's so true today. Men are bitches all-around for a fact. (i'm included. stupid guido meatheads.) it's like i'm only real man left in the world. i feel like Rambo musta felt in the 60's. if he wasn't a bitch himself.

here is a joke for girly men to laugh at:

i had a dream last night that what i did was eat a enormous marshmallow and when i woke up? MY PILLOW WAS GONE! i must admit for a joke as this i find pretty lol on my own 'is an honest.'

i got lost on the last part.

not "is an honest", "I be onanist".

Forget my clarification, as I like farqussus' better.

you are win.

'is an honest.' I think is supposed to be "I'm bein' honest.", or "I bein' honest.".

This is unrelated but I heard a good variant on that joke that when the dude awoke, his girlfriend's head was gone and it made me laugh. As you were.

Last night I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my giant marshmallow was gone.

It's a metajoke.

Last night I had a dream I was eating a fish taco. When I woke up the bitch was still here.

I too had the fish taco dream. Upon arising in the morn' I found, to my dismay, that my prawn burrito - an object that I had secreted away with plans to consume with great gustatory gusto in order to break my fast - was, alas, nowhere to be found.

Obviously the bootblack had absconded with in during the night rather than seeing to his duties properly. I had him soundly thrashed by the groom and put him out.

Double-meta when you tell people it's a metajoke.

It's not really a metajoke so much as a non-joke joke. It feels very much like Stephen Wright to me actually.

A vicar, a rabbi and a muslim priest walk into a bar, and before they can say anything the barman pipes up and says "You know what, I think it's really great that you guys remain such good friends despite your differing religious views."

Imam. The proper word would be imam.

I also want to see a yogi and a Buddhist monk in there if we're going to get somewhere.

Well now they HAVE to be called Muslim Priest. IT'S ON THE INTERNET.

I'm not going to do them the honour of learning their heathen lingo.

Same reason other Anglicans don't say "vicar".

No gladdiator, onanism is a SIN!

Oh I should read down first, top show farqussus, top show.

You know, I think Mr. Onstad just wanted to give us an opportunity to use racial epithets with impunity.

I'm more inclined to understand this as a scathing commentary on the evils of post-feminist gender rolls.

A man named Lucius Alexander Squires leaves the toilet seat wherever he damned well pleases, puts those retail jockeys in their place, and pays invoice price come hell or high water!

Did somebody say...

GENDER ROLLS??

[IMGS OFF]

if that i could only chubby multiple times....

"I'd hit that!" *giggles*

[IMGS OFF]

...then I wouldn't need talcum powder!

[IMGS OFF]

My mother likes to make transgingerbread people with her lesbian friends once a month. Gingerbread "men" that have their gingerdongs removed in favor of vagingas.

Why would she make tiny gingerbread vaginas? Why?

For eating out.

Heh heh. Yeah...

Dear God in hebbin, steev_dayv.
This could be the best first line(s) of a "novel" ever written.

Is...is there more?

That novel would be very popular with fans of David Sedaris, I suspect.

Nobody ate the abandoned gingerdingers. They were left doughy and soft.

How does that make you feel, steev_dayv?

Hungry

What if hell and high water cometh?

The let cry the motto of their patriarchs and bravely, bravely now let loose with both barrels and all hounds!

Helen Highwater? I barely knew 'er!

hardly. fuck. whate'er.

hardly fuck what'er? i ardlie new er!

I say.

Helen Highwater, for a quarter, would your peepee wet.

Echidnalad Carbonage Silica.

NO.

I've been rather hoping that snuff makes a comeback. Not only is it a way for the disgusting sort who choose to do so to get tobacco into their bodies without bothering those around them (as with smoking and chewing), but it's rather classy, snuffboxes are always a good deal, and I am led to believe that the kids these days have decided that snorting drugs up your nose is hip and cool once again.

I also hope to see many amusingly deadly misunderstandings.

Okay so on both Mozilla and IE, on two different computers, the overall strip rating isn't showing up for me. Anyone else having this problem?

I'm afraid we've all been experiencing this change for a few days now...

Strip ratings are now a premium feature.

Are you serious?

Quote:

belgand � facetious 17 minutes ago

Special time in a young lady's life type of change?

"You're a man now!" variety?

"Do you think I should have this mysterious wolf bite looked at by a professional?" sort of change?

I'm still at a loss as to what exactly is going on and want to know whether I need to stock up on silver, Judy Blume books, or religious headgear.

Oh blast. I think I accidentally just described the plot to Ginger Snaps, which was thoroughly excellent. Dare I say it probably the best lycanthrope film of the past decade. Perhaps even the last two.

The strips from here on out will be TOO GOOD TO RATE. I for one welcome this change of events.

Random thought but little Nephew is still dead, right?

Dead in some Welsh purgatory playing video games, yes.

Hiatus Blog

Onstad: A Good Employee Is Available In This Land

I got Nehemiah Phthalo Gybe Naturgeschichte.

Sounds proper-ass to me.

....whew....

(I've been holding my breath.)

..said Caparnaum Fingullium Rudderpox Oxbray.

Balthazar Murder Stonefield yes

...anyway.I'm so happy that we're all back.

God bless us.

Goddamn, what a return!

I have deemed achewood overly popular now. there is 321 comments on this page. I am glad to see Onstad get what he deserves, but it is like getting woken up by the queen every day, It's too special.

What? Hell no.

Time to get up, my pretties...
[IMGS OFF]

i bet i could thousand bucks for that trinkity crown.

She's gonna bite your face off. be carefull !

She's not looking at your face.

Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey!

The credo of the Catholic Church

Rise and shine, hands off mine.

Get outta bed, don't touch yer head.

I also love the fact that the first post and almost every post in that thread was made by people who have never posted/rarely post on Achewood aka probably a majority of the TOUAMB crew...

And they pretty much all say the same thing.

It's been overly popular for as long as you've been aware of it. That's why you've been aware of it.

I bet Onstad doesn't mind popularity

i was able to rate this strip (***) but i am unable to view the average rating. anyone else not able to see it?
for those that can see the average rating, what is it?

I think it's because your mother is a whore. Once my mother quit the business, I could see the average ratings again.

I don't mean to offend. I really think this is why you can't see it. Your mother performs intercourse with men for money.

OUCH, sje. Man, just ignore him like I do.

Some damn hard chuckles.

Pronounced with that New England "whoo-ah".

Yeah, she's wicked whoo-ah-ee.

Get alodda da reeree whoo-ah ova hee-ah.

reeree?

Totally a New England thing to say, don't deny it.

Normally I encourage people not to feed the trolls, but since you brought your "A" game, have at it. What's got into you?

Since I ignore desert_dooshbag like everyone else, I'll respond here:

The average rating is OVER 9000!

(throwing it all away for a DBZ reference)

man, sje. I think people just see your name and give you chubbies.

That's actually pretty much the inverse of what people do.

All right, sje. For this, you are removed from my ignore list. This was good sass, right here.

How did you see the post if he was on your ignore list though.

Right-click on the word "comment" in the sentence "This comment by sje46 was ignored", click "open link in new window," read, and enjoy!

Glad to hear I'm off it :)

I actually did not realise that this was feasible for ignored posts. Thank you sir.

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