Professor Gabriel

Professor Gabriel 02/04/2009 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Everyone always hates Week Three. Like calculus, it's straight Maaaaannnn When Are We Ever Gonna Use Thiiiiis

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having dished for a while
this is accurate

especially the part about there being someone nicknamed "the situation"

I am currently looking for a job, and I considered dishwashing. But if this is accurate, I think I will go somewhere else for my culo fuckings.

Really though, where do you guys get that illing Gangster Rap. Is it made by Lil Wayne. It is Lil Wayne isn't it.

nah man dishwashing is actually great
and yeah, lil wayne makes most of the gangter raps, in the world,

Huh. Cool, because apparently all of the restaurants in Vancouver need YET MORE DISH WASHERS. With any luck, they aren't just rounding us up for a mass sacrifice to their dark culinary god.

Oh no, now you all know the city I live in! I want you all to promise that you will not become the thing that gets me on the news that I will never watch.

Because you will have murdered me.

oh well they will sacrifice you to their culinary god but it's chill, you get to eat whatever food is left in the bus tub

I'm a bit behind on sharpening my implements of sacrifice. Can this wait until next week?

I presently work as a dish washer in a restaurant, and I am paid 50% more than dishwashers to do a job that is way more interesting. Maybe you could check that out.

I meant busboy... Damn Wednesday mornings.

that was real confusing.

i thought your name was 'rockstarmy' and i got excited for a second.

I came to the revelation that Pokemon encouraged egocentric thought because Star-ME was the more advanced form of Star-YOU. Does that make any sense to anybody else?

[IMGS OFF]

They say that nobody's better than anyone else, but Star-YOU evolves into Star-ME. That seem right to you?

Forced evolution is a bitter and fickle business for even the most devoted practitioners. There was a time, before the modern age of hand-held computers and Oriental hunting games, where attempting to breed genuine abomonations of this Earth was a humble pasttime for youthful endeavour. Unknowledged with the finer points of Genetics and Bio-Chemistry, a young mind may want to create life in the best way possible, to steal away a franchise from the Maker.

An erstwhile innocent soon discovers that a sparrow-hawk and a newborn bloodhound Do Not Mix, but it is not until one's baby sisters raspily stop calling for help under the hoof of a mother razorback that you learn what you Should and Should Not tamper with, the tears mixing with the mud as you track down, like an Attakapa of stories, the hog's dwelling and procede to gut and tear at the young's bellies until you have deemed that you have got your sisters back and able to be given a Christian burial, there in the mud, the first time you call yourself "Reverend" for the sake of propriety.

No-one knew the soft-talking stranger's name, but as he pushed aside the swing doors of the AssetBar and traipsed out for the third time that week, it was clear to everyone that his presence would be quickly noticed if his visits ceased.

Nooo! Accidental lame. A thousand pardons kind sirrah!

I thought that you meant you were paid 50% more than an electric dishwasher (which is funny, regardless of whether you'd meant to write it), and that's why you put a distinguishing space between your job, "dish washer", and none in the half-paid "dishwasher". And if the "dishwasher" made nothing, as I would guess an inanimate object would, the reference to making 50% more than it is also funny.

I should have read your follow-up comment before siccing the Neurons Of Interpretation on that. But you have to admit, I did find a couple of good jokes in it. Well, you don't have to admit it-I don't want to be pushy.

Well, mangecoeur wrote "dishwashers", and not "dishwasher", but I think it still works if you interpret "dishwashers" as a class of appliances, rather than as a bunch of eternally wet people.

Being a dishwasher is a decent, if gross, way to make money and never have to talk to anybody. Bussing table is far and away the worst job in a restaurant; do not believe their lies, they just need someone to replace them so they can become servers. That said, this comic is almost eerily accurate.

Agreed; from my experience, it's better not to talk to people. I washed dishes for a while when I lived in Cleveland. It was some Mediterranean restaurant. My first day on the job, I overheard this conversation:
Manager: Hey, did you stab someone on Thursday?
Cook: No, man, I didn't stab nobody.
M: Yeah...okay. And you're sure you didn't stab anyone?
C: Yeah.
M:....Did you choke anyone?
C: Nope. I didn't do nothin'.

At first, I was actually pretty happy about that exchange. Not only did the cook not stab/choke someone, but the manager checked up on the complaint. But then I realized that it was Wednesday...so the "Thursday" in question was A WEEK BEFORE. But...at least those things get paid attention to.

The next day was less assuring, as a DIFFERENT cook said this to one of the waiters:
Cook: And in the old country, this is how we choke people.

He said it in a heavy accent similar to The Count from Sesame Street.... Needless to say, I only worked there for about a month.

Two, Two dead waiters - Ha Ha Ha Ha.

Ah Ah Ah Ah*

GODDAMN IT YOU SCHNORRER

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Respect for the "ethnic"

Respethnic.

Did someone call me schnorrer?

'Twas I!

Hurray hurray hurray!

Shit, I have to put this out there: Animal Crackers, best Marx Brothers movie. Little to no plot and some of the best sight gags/word play they ever did. Harpo owns it. Let me put that out there. Me and my friend (who introduced me to Achewood) agree there should be a TV channel that plays that movie all day every day with nothing else. I would watch it.

I'm rather partial to A Night At The Opera. The packed state room scene, the "sanity clause" contract negotiation, and one of my favorite movie scenes ever, "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" during the opera. It lasts only seconds, but captures the whole "throw in everything and the kitchen sink too" mentality of the Messrs. Marx.

I love the state room scene but the anarchy levels are off the charts in Animal Crackers and it never gets better for me.

Duck Soup has the mirror scene, which makes it for me.

I dunno about best though, it's hard to decide.

I'll second Animal Crackers.

Already posted in another strip commentary, but what the hell, eh?

I've done that once or twice and never regretted it.

I overheard part of a conversation between two co-workers once while working at the Target deli.

A: The first time I shot somebody, it was awesome.
B: Yeah, how'd he feel about it though?
A: I don't know, I didn't ask because he was bleeding out of his eye.

To this day I pray they were talking about paintball.

I do believe bleeding from the eyes is Ms Manners' only reason for not asking someone how they're doing. Under any other circumstance, that shit is just plain rude.

Mr. Green's Barber: "some weather we're having, how ya' doing in this heat?" Sorry Moe, I didn't notice the eye.

Chubby for the Godfather II reference.

That's from the end of the original actually. It's also a reference to the urban legend of how Bugsy Siegel was killed.

Shit! you're right. They all bleed together after awhile.

yes, they will.

they will.

The worst was the time I got caught jacking off in the walk in. sometimes the magic just happens. You know, inventory can get a little interesting--there's no need to explain these things.

I used to fantasize about hanging myself in the walk in freezer with a sign taped to my chest that read "[My Boss]:It's All Your Fault."

I normally fantasized about banging one of the hot backpacker waitresses. But you know, each to their own.

This is the most normal thing said so far.

You are the most normal.

Work Fantasies are the greatest because they are thoughts of total desperation. I dreamed of strangling customers with shoe strings and sweeping my coworker off her feet and running to Men's Apparel to do the nasty amongst the Cartwright overalls and Timberland flannel jackets.

my work dreams are pretty banal; I just imagine saying "No, I will not bag your groceries. Do it yourself.", or "Hey, you can't buy this much shit at one time. Maybe you should start grocery shopping more than five times a year? Maybe also, stop having children."

Sometimes I dream of following them to their homes, waiting until they open up their garage doors to start unloading the groceries, quietly slipping into their house, waiting until everything is packed away, and then start BTKing the shit out of them.

As I'm out of work I have interview fantasies. Most involve getting hired.

I work at a tech support center, so my fantasies usually are about how I'd field calls like they're calling into a fried chicken delivery restaurant, ready to delivery hot fried chicken right to your door, so crispy hot and honey sweet, just the way your fat bitch mama used to make it, mmmMMM, and carry out the conversation like they were just placing a normal order regardless of whatever the hell they'd say, and end the call like I just sent out the delivery guy.

Then I'd send a mass email to all my coworkers about how working here was about as much fun as funneling hot tar right up my ass, and slowly jog through the cubicles like the end of Rocky.

I guess I'd fuck a few people on the way out, but I have no idea who.

Maybe it would be the most fun just to grab those few people at random, as the spirit moves you. Undoubtedly more exciting for the objects of your attention too! I mean, who expects to be randomly rodgered at work?

I do. I'm disappointed every day.

I'd never expect to be on the receiving end of a workplace fantasy in action, but I wouldn't mind if some saucy mama jogged up to me and went "HELP ME LIVE OUT MY FANTASY." Of course that would be mine too, but ya know.

My work fantasy is that my dad will get a job :(

howl is from Economy.

Larry from accounts is keen

Same. However, my summer job is fertile ground for fantasies, because everyone around me sucks.

Get Out of Here
Achewood is not for readers under 18 years of age.

Unless you need me to buy you some cigs.

All my high school fantasies involved boning.
All my fantasies involve boning.

Yeah. I mean, don't you have locker room fantasies? Sexy cheerleader lesbian orgies that you are inexplicably invited into once they discover you not so surreptitiously viewing them? Hot girls in sexy schoolgirl outfits? Naked make-outs under the bleachers or backstage in the theater?

These are the main high school fantasies. There are websites devoted to them.

It's the general consensus of people I've known that killing makes you feel like a god.

It's true. And not just A god

It's true that there is something divine about holding a man or a woman's entrails in your hands. As though you have stolen their life-force, sucked dry the fat that his mother so tenderly layered upon him as a youth with copious amounts of grits and corn, fattening him up like a prize bull so little Tess next door may one day take a shine to him and bring the two families together. And then he feels like a failure because he couldn't put any meat on his bones; a failure to let his mother have a sister by marriage.

So that when he comes to you in the night, aching for your blistered hands around his twitching and pulsing neck as he walks out of the Allsup's with a juice and packet of smokes in a paper bag, you feel obliged to say a Hail Mary and lift the moment up to the Good Lord before you bless him with your animal talents, in a method not chosen by you but deigned to you by the man himself, in the way he moves as he takes his washing off the line, how he cries sitting on the commode whenever his girlfriend storms out the house screaming that she's leaving him because he won't fucking well communicate about the damn important things. He says these things to you, you just have to know how to look.

So yes, there is something divine about it, but it's not so much about the Power of a god. No, more about the Responsibility. Your call to do what is Right, what you know all the angels and unclean spirits are willing you on to, rejoicing and singing in the ethereal realms as you enact the duty.

There is something divine.

P... Pogo?

Taking a man's life while bouncing and capering is generally considered to be poor form.

Guessing Pogo's new identity promises to be the best Assetbar parlor game since interpreting Gladi.

Not much of a game, really, if we're already assuming that it's Pogo. ....wait, why are we assuming that it's Pogo, again?

Now Pogo can't really reply to the situation without either implicating himself or taking himself out of the race. Good times.

Pogo is Desert Donkey. It is very obvious. He started posting as him, sparingly, before making the switch in order to confuse us. He tries to troll occasionally to throw us off the scent, but he can't resist making somewhat insightful and relevant comments from time to time.

It is the perfect cover.

I think I was away during this whole Desert Donkey commedia dell'arte, I don't recall it at ALL. I mean, I know the two guys, but I think I've only engaged in like one conversation with DD, so the Punch never paid me no mind.

Alt text: I guess this would make Pogo into an Il Capitano what is behind the stage equally puppeteering Punchinello and looking up Judy's dress.

That's the way to do it!

And how about a person of a different origin. I doubt someone would suspect him to impersonnate a person from another country ! Especially if this person talk a language that was (supposedly) unknown to the "real" pogo

Target (PLUS SIGN) Deli (EQUALS SIGN) No.

I worked with a dishwasher named Kenny who had done 20 for killing two people in a botched robbery. He assured everyone that it was okay, because he had a policy now, "I don't kill women or children."
Me, Jake, Chris, Dave, Eric and James all looked at each other like, "ummmmmmm"

It's not my fault officer - he was within' the "policy."

Withing?

Yeah, withing. You know. "To with". "Withed". I don't know how I can make this any clearer.

Sorry, verbs isn't my strong point.

Maybe with an Example:
"When you with upon a thtar."

Mathe no diffwenth who you is...

Apologies on my apocryphal apostrophe.

Atrocious accident; apology accepted.

An ancillary assertion, although alliterative.

Isn't it only alliteration if it uses consonants...?

I was going for assonance on "apo."

Very nice. I didn't quite notice that.

I was going to use "apocalyptic" but after that and your words, I couldn't think of appropriate ones.

Well, appropriate works. Fuck.

Yes. Also, not all the vowels are the same. The same Roman character, but different sounds.

Considering that he has no college degree or marketable trade; William Safire must have been a real pain in the ass as a dishwasher -- considering the trouble we're all going through.

you worked in a restaurant, and were not interested on how to choke someone properly?

i guess restaurants have gotten a lot more sensitive these days.....

I have had three dishdoggin' gigs in my life. What I remember best about each of them in chronological order:

Western Sizzlin': Wet feet, getting so backed up that I actually went to the bathroom and cried (I was fifteen. It was my first job. I was kind of caught off guard.)

Mona Lisa Pizza: Palmetto bugs the size of two fingers, that inimitable filth of the French Quarter soaking into my shoes, very expensive wine provided for free by my Turkish manager, free motherfucking shrimp and artichoke pizza.

Mangia Italiano: Weed marinara, rats, Stiff Little Fingers on the box, so many free bottles of Delirium Tremens and Duvel goin' around the kitchen that the place had to go out of business.

Good times...to which I wouldn't return if my life depended on it.

Wait, dish washing made you so constipated you cried? Getting "backed up" must means a different thing than I am used to.

Emotionally constipated, maybe.

The only way to survive in the kitchen is having a clean toilet lid on which to break up your lines.

And sunglasses. Sunglasses are pretty useful too.

I thought it was an understood thing that kitchen staff were barely functional reprobates and substance abusers and front of house staff were assholes and people who insist that they're artists despite a clear lack of talent.

Front of house is usually willing to fuck the customers. Kitchen will likely end up raping one another. Or not showing up to work on account of being stabbed.

Being a busboy is pure torture. At least until you start to get abs on your back...

Speaking as a dishwasher in Vancouver, I can vouch for it being pretty alright. But I think I work in one of the few restaurants where everyone in the kitchen speaks English.

I must write my first post to point out that any "gangster rap" on the subject of "burning down zoos" and hitting women with golf clubs," especially when listened to in the kitchen of a restaurant, is almost certainly by Insane Clown Posse.

Thanks for chiming in Sauron!

"Culo Fuckings" was Lil Wayne's second EP.

Followed by his less successful full length "Chinga de Asses." Rehashing of old ideas is all it was, really.

Dish washing was the worst job I ever had. There was this cook who looked like Eminem but with more earrings and he would always come back to my dish washing area and sharpen his knife and talk about his time in prison. He would mention how GOD DAMN stressed out he was, waving the knife around. Then he would mention how he wouldn't mind going back to prison for a while.

I was 16 and scared shitless.

I'm sixteen right now, and I am constantly scared shitless, so it shouldn't be too much of a change of pace.

eminem them, or eminem now?

because now he just looks like an angry, chubby lesbian.

[IMGS OFF]

Shady Aftermath can no longer afford to ~~take him to the candy shop~~.

Angry, chubby lesbian is redundant.

and superfluous...

[IMGS OFF]

What haven't we been told?

That secretly he really wants to hurt us. Physically.

I was thinking of something more along the lines of Eminem being Boy George's escaped catamite-clone.

WOTP: who is your avatar?

As a student, I can tell you that this lesson plan would go over fucking awesome. As a teacher, I can tell you that this lesson plan would go fucking awesome.

I am not a teacher.

Yeah, except Week 3. My limited cooking experience has taught me that basic sanitation is a waste of time. I mean, I've only poisoned, like, two people.

They're dishwashers. That's a joke.

I have yet to see a dishwasher produce an edible Veal Marsala, so I would think not.

That's something that got to me actually. While he certainly feels like a dishwasher if he's been working at it this long wouldn't he have moved up to prep at least? Does he keep fucking things up or just getting tired of this shit and quitting in a blaze of glory?

Read his blog, man. Lyle has never NOT fucked shit up.

In RECIPES FOR A LADY OR A MAN: THE ACHEWOOD COOKBOOK Lyle says he has held every kind of kitchen job "from dishwasher to Sous." Back when I worked my first real job, I went from dishwasher to Sous in 19 months. I just waited for everyone who outranked me to quit or get fired. So, Lyle has been up and down the ladder a few times.

I have, hence my assertion that this was the reason he remained in his position.

Ace of Grades? Bary funny.

But that's the way I like it babe,
I don't wanna TEACH! forever!

gun it play sam song over and over

Again.

So, how many Aces are there?

Lyle works cleaning motel rooms: ACE OF MAIDS!
Lyle works in a military barber shop: ACE OF FADES!
Lyle works in a hair salon catering to women of African descent: ACE OF BRAIDS!
Lyle works at a Sunglass Hut: ACE OF SHADES!
Lyle decides to become a plumber, electrician, carpenter, or pipefitter: ACE OF TRADES!
Lyle volunteers for a medical charity in Africa: ACE OF AIDS!
Lyle works for an upholstery shop doing custom leather work: ACE OF SUEDES!
Lyle works for a Chinese jeweler: ACE OF JADES!

I was actually thinking about that earlier. Like maybe he volunteered at the local STD clinic and counseling center "Space of AIDS".

Lyle works at Benihana's: ACE OF BLADES!
Lyle works at Bed, Bath and Beyond: ACE OF GLADES!
Lyle is a backup musician for an alt Afro-British singer-songwriter: ACE OF SADES!
Lyle works at a hardware store: ACE OF PLAIDS!
Lyle works in accounts payable: ACE OF PAIDS!
Lyle is a football coach: ACE OF GATORADES!
Lyle is a general: ACE OF BRIGADES!
Lyle is a sergeant: ACE OF GRENADES!
Lyle is god of the underworld: ACE OF HADES!
Lyle is ATF: ACE OF RAIDS!
Lyle is Professor Emeritus of Literature writing a book about orientalism in colonial British fiction: ACE OF SAIDS!

Could we have gone this far without ACE OF JAYS?

Lyle as an MLB team's best starting pitcher: ACE OF BLUE JAYS

No, that's Roy Halladay.

HYUK!

Goddamn, I cannot wait for April.

Pitchers and catchers in like two weeks, man. Can't wait to see my Yanks screw up in a new and exciting way.

I can't wait to see your Yanks screw up either.

When the team I've been following since wombtimes (the Red Sox) robs players from my hometown team (the Rays), It's A Good Thing.

I hate both of those teams. Actually I hate the Rays a little less because they rightfully didn't go all the way last year (I say rightfully because as AL Easters know, the Rays should never go from last place to World Series champs in one season, or ever) and I hate the Red Sox a little less because you finally broke the chains that held you to Manny. Sheesh, I hate that douche. But you have some guys that I am not ashamed to be impressed with. Pedroia is such a thorn in my side that I have to respect him.

You have some guys too, mainly Jeter.

Jeter's getting old. Alex is still doing alright, but apparently now he juiced in '03. Fun times in Yankeeland.

Fuck A-Rod. Fuck him in his culo, I heard he likes it that way.

Seriously fuck THAT guy.

Fuck YOU for pretending you wouldn't like him if he had been a Red Sox. Fuck YOU.

I wouldn't because he'd still be a prick who left the Rangers for more money.

See also: Johnny fucking Damon.

Before you scream HYPOCRITE I'm not happy for Baldelli leaving the Rays.

Bullshit, he's a great player and you can't say you'd be mad about having him on your team.

Um, I just said that though. I'm not saying he's not a great player, I just disagree with the big rich teams stealing all the great players from the poor teams.

Also he would never fit in on the Red Sox roster, at least not at that time period.

He'd fit in any roster.

And I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole.

Well the Red Sox are the second richest team so that's basically the black kitchen tool calling the other black kitchen tool black if you ask me.

I just said I hated that we stole Baldelli.

TYPICAL YANKEE FAN.

Let he who is without dickish upper management and primadonna players cast the first stone. The Yankees and Red Sox are more alike than it seems.

Everything you just said sounds like you're talking about homosexual intercourse and fantasies. I do not think it is possible for you to disprove this in any way.

She was pretty hot, but most of the rest of us got our TMNT wanking over and done with years ago.

I get it.

ooo yeah come baby yeah call me casey what you want me to wear the hockey mask ok OH SHIT THAT IS A MUTANT RAT OH GROSS BARFFFFFFFFFFFF

I'm... I'm pretty sure that FalseProphet knows that that's not how one pronounces Hades. But I'm still posting this to make sure that no younger people walk away with any misconceptions.

I was all WHAT but you were like EXPLANATION and I was like :)

Don't worry. It's also not how you pronounce Sade, plaid, or Edward Said's name.

Plaid? Really? Are talking about a different plaid, here?

It is important that we are clear on this Falseprophet.

Lyle as Luau chef: ACE OF LEIS.

Lyle as animal castrator: ACE OF SPAYS
[IMGS OFF]

Lyle works for a major potato chip company: ACE OF LAY'S

Lyle as a physical trainer specializing in speed walking: ACE OF PACE!

Lyle as "Chocolate Rain" performer: ACE OF TAY'S!

This could be a crossword puzzle. Somebody call the New York Times.

Lyle as a railway crossing design engineer: ACE OF GRADES!
Lyle as a Black Panther: ACE OF SPADES!
Lyle as a mysteriously young man with a secret painting: ACE OF GREYS!
Lyle as the rude Hardy Brother: ACE OF CASE!

Lyle living in a Native American reservation: ACE OF MAIZE!
Lyle as a high school footballer: ACE OF HAZE!
Lyle as a terrible 90's band: ACE OF BASE!
Lyle as a great musician: ACE OF BASS!

Lyle gets a job weaving silk fabrics: ACE OF BROCADES!
Lyle dominates certain party games: ACE OF CHARADES!
Lyle gets a job at the jam factory: ACE OF MARMALADES!
Lyle goes to work for the secret service: ACE OF MOTORCADES!
Lyle begins charting planets: ACE OF RETROGRADES!
Lyle is a master of classical architecture: ACE OF COLONNADES!

having lived in spokane
this is accurate

having met a girl from spokane at theater camp
what if we both knew her wouldn't that be neat?

that would be highly....

coincidental

what was he doing driving...

in the kitchen

the thing you need to remember about spokane is that it is basically the south of the north. or the south of the west. or the south of the northwest. it holds the dubious honor (along with its close neighbor, northern idaho) of housing more rednecks, racists, and republicans than any surrounding area.

the pacific northwest is not all pine trees and environmentalists, you know. sometimes we let a few hundred thousand past the screening process.

And promptly send them east of the mountains.

What news from the north!

Fokane spore is spokane for. Is news from just south of the North!

Ecch. I think this is the throw up in your mouth a bit if you read this comic & commentary.

I'm not entirely sure if this makes any sense at all.

Me neither.

What news from the south of the northwest!

Bigotry.

But, but there are no black people or Mexicans up there. Can they be bigoted against Canadians? How can you hate them, they made poutine?

Quebecer did. It is one of our finest legacy !

Yeah, I believe you have to make fun of the Quebecois and the Newfies.

The Quebecois I can understand, but man, the Newfies? That's like beating up the kid on the block with Down Syndrome.

Well, fuck YOUR opinion, sir

Man, I gotta get my permission form turned in for pint Jacks night.

while hyperbolic for comedic purposes, this isn't too far off the beaten path of reality.

You....you can get maps of said rumored path?

Midterm: throw back at least eight shots before julienning several carrots.

Are you sure you haven't already had too many?

that is probably a bad idea. i cut my fingernails off julienning stone sober.

Midterm: throw back at least eight shots before julienning several carrots.

Yup. You're cut off.

dang. this has been up for 15 minutes and has over 500 views

...and 27 minutes later it has nearly 1400 views.

(...and the garage sale one has 640712 views for those keeping count.)

You're avatar is the nightmare pederasts has.
Sure there are children comming in droves but they are eating his face off.

I was gonna say, wouldn't that be a dream.

But then you qualified it.

Oh, a beautiful dream, that turns into a nightmare...

Pride and Prejudice... and ZOMBIES!

[IMGS OFF]

"Oh, Mr. Darcy. I cannot help but feel a great attraction towards you...and your brains."

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single zombie in possession of a good government created virus, must be in want of BRAINS."

Its on the top of their Food Pyramid.

That is glorious.

[IMGS OFF]

i read that book, they just added a chapter at the end with a zombie milling about a garden, laughing to himself about the irony of romance

"Will you marry me"
...and just like that two folks set in motion the greatest and most drawn-out tragedy which is namely that in fifty years one of them has promised to sit there and watch the person that matters the most to them die
And that's the best-case scenario

Get over your whinging self. What do you know of best-case? You want to live life, or read about it while it's passing you by?
50 years of loving, fighting and making up, constantly learning about yourself and others,the joys the tragedies of life- if that scares hell out of you, start with a dog or a cat.
Life is love. Love is life. Death is a rumor.

Nah, the best-case scenario is that your spouse reveals that he or she is a secret super-spy and is grooming you for an important mission where you will see him or her in skin-tight spandex, dangling from the 20th floor of an office building, guns blazing as hundreds of molemen leap from the upper balconies.

does nobody see what i did there?

It is a quote from something but I don't remember what.

It is a quote from when Beef is trying to decide whether or not he should ask Molly to marry him.

See?

a winner is you!!

Fuck Beef, fuck Molly, I'm pretending that whole arc never happened.

I don't want him to have any fun.

Man, you EARNED that lame.

I earned a lame too. That reference totally flew by me.
I know that reference. I know that canon.
Now I'm having issues admitting sudden-onset Alzheimers. No one wants to admit it, and boom! There it is in your lap like a 500 lb vaguely familiar hairy primate.

Now, I remember. Thot you remember!

Fuck Beef and the bummer he rode in on.

Moleman cannot jump, the simply wobbled out of the balconies

I fear I bear bad news this holiday season, for I have become burdened with a most terrible case of limp lip, and shall not survive it.

Mom?

Hum... Seems to me these boys have pretty long hair...

As someone who recently discovered the true meaning of the word pederasts I urge deus to define: in google.

Ah, rite, my mistake, i thought pedophilia was .... passive form and pederasty was....active.

Lets just agree its a bade scene alltogether.

Well... let's not be too hasty here.

Also, they're girls. Pederasty is when a man loves a young boy.

Look who's being a dick about dicks.

Professor Gabriel's next gig is teaching open-minded young women the does and don'ts of dealing with recent F to M transexuals. It begins with a term about dicks.

See you can say that, and now, when the counter is up to 4233 I pretty much have to believe you.

My thoughts are that a person should comment (for a future installment) "Wow its already up to 1640712". Then a few months later when it finally hits 1640713 (i.e. one more) and someone serendipitously reads that comment they'll think to themselves "OMG I'm the first person to read this strip in 3 months, that must mean... I'm in the matrix... and I was adopted."

All coincidence! >.>

Lyle's beady eyes in Panel 7 are quite frightening. Like he has been replaced temporarily by a machine with an equal passion for Jack.

I feel like I'm reading Little Orphan Annie, the soulless eyes begging me to find a place in my heart for the ginger girl from Circumstances.

I somehow like Lyle less without his glasses

Yeah, but without the glasses you can see eight seperately-drawn, equally hilarious eye/eyebrow combinations.

Non-reused art is the TITS.

Getting all jazzed about it, like when Power Rangers fans can tell that the fight they're watching has footage in it shot during their lifetime!

Huge slam on Super Sentai out of nowhere!

I don't entirely understand your comment, but...

Prostitution is illegal, bud.

Not where I live it isn't!

I don't entirely understand your comment, but...

I believe the quote is, "Fuck you! Pay me!"

I once had a girl with this tattooed on her ass. I was very confused afterward.

...mom?

I believe the quote is "Fuck! Your toupee is incontinent-onset!"

I for one can say with confidence that I have never in my life used Veal Marsala with wild rice pilaf. I don't even know why it's part of the curriculum anymore.

Teaching you things you'll never need is a basic thing of kitchens.

Like how to use the "sanitary" eye-wash. Has anyone ever needed that so much that they gave it a try?

Yes! One of my coworkers managed to rub his eyes with habanero gloves on his way to throw them out. I haven't seen anybody use one of those emergency showers since college, though.

[IMGS OFF]

Seriously, I've gotten such as cayenne pepper in my eye, and oh GOD does it hurt. Habanero, though... ::shudder::

FINE, BBcode, if you don't want to show the picture that's COOL BY ME, but you can't even show the URL?

Did you try to use the URL tags? Use the url tags around the url, instead of the image ones.

I worked as an EMT for four years in college. I saw broken bones, severed arteries, heart attacks, but the worst noise I have ever heard come from a human being was a prep cook who'd wiped his brow with a hand that had just cut habaneros, and it got in his eyes.

I will never forget that scream.

I used that at work once when I got bug spray in my eyes, pretty powerful type too.

First job was working in a restaurant... and Lyle has pretty much nailed it. He will teach the children well, I think.

It's dead on. Being someone who has been involved in pretty much every part of the hospitality game at some point, this strip is 5'd all the way.

Worked prep-cook and buffet monkey for Pizza Hut, then short-order cook at Country Kitchen during college (doing both, for a while).
Did more than my share of dishes.

Fuck those rubber floor mats. Fuck them to rubbery HELL!!

Man, the worst thing is seeing the burns all over the arms of the line cooks from the steam trays and steam ovens and fryers, half-obliterating forearm tats with Old English typefonts of nicks like "Pokaface", 'cause "I don't flinch none when I shoot." That, and having the dishwasher threaten to cut me. Several times.

You know, an ex-girlfriend of my worked at a little pizza place for several years. She had probably no fewer than ten small but obvious cigar-shaped brown scars up and down her forearms from the ovens. I have to say, they were kind of a huge turn-on for me. I could never explain why, but I could never deny it.

Somethin' about a workin' woman.

Somethin' about a burned woman.

Something about a woman scorned...or scorched.

"What's that scent you got on, baby?"

"My flesh is burning."

"Damn baby, that's hot."

"Yes. It's hot."

I am having WAY too many boners right now.

They don't call him the Tacodor for nothing.

I'm too tired to judge whether that statement makes sense or not.

They don't not call him the Tacodor for everything.

Don't call Tacodor for anything.

top notch teaching Lyle

Try working in a dishroom at a buffet-style university cafetaria. All scooping someone's waste into a running touch of what looks basically like puke, and smells 10X worse, and when it splashes in your eye, there is nothing you can do about it because your hands are already covered in it.

Persons of Puerto Rican descent are attracted to this job for some reason. I don't know why. I felt like puking so much.

True, but you're students most likely. I don't think they can treat you the way I have been informed most restaurant staff are actually treated.

It's shitty, but it's the academic version of a shitty job and thus not exactly the real thing.

I had a job as a dishwasher in a student caf for a while, the only major thing I remember is that the soap hot water burned off my fingerprints, and they grew back after the term was over.

Also I was allergic to the gloves or the detergent or something, but only enough to be irritating until I washed off my hands at the end with normal soap.

And I got used to my shift co-workers flaking out and having to do the work of 2 persons alone. I guess that is basically a thing of restaurant jobs as well.

That last part is also a thing of working at the deli in the Super Target in Edmond, OK.

Jesus Tekende, you creep even me out. I ate at that damn place like, twice a week in my day. Were you the guy that fucked the sandwiches? Was No-Eye Alice still working there? Handjob Harry?

I was probably the dude who was slicing customers' lunch meat and looking as though he might kill someone any second now because it was Sunday and the other person who was supposed to work hadn't shown up and every fucking person in Edmond wanted sliced meat and the managers kept coming around asking me why there weren't any roasted chickens out and I'm like "seriously? really? do you see this huge line of people? I can't leave the slicer you idiot".

I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY ROASTED CHICKENS, TEKENDE

MOTHER IS VERY ANGRY WITH YOU

Sit down, children. I bussed tables in a Mexican restaurant my junior year of H.S., where they had an amazing new appliance just ratified by whoever ratifies those things, one of the first commercial ovens of its kind anywhere.

A Microwave Oven

Amana Radarange no doubt.

Do you ever get the feeling that you are a disappointment to your father, desert_donkey?

did you mean a disappointment to your mother??

i was just mimmicking sjeasdf's "YOUR MOM" type internet dooshbag humor. it's funny how it's funny for one person to use it, but not another. funny 'cuz it's ironic.

Thank you for explaining your joke. Otherwise, I probably would have just thought you were being a dick to a stranger.

Oh, don't worry, he does that too.

Yeah, our dining services are mostly staffed by Indian graduate students. TRUE STORY.

Why does a bunch of random foodstuffs mixed together smell like puke? It has never made sense to me.

What the hell do you think puke is?

Random foodstuffs mixed together with stomach enzymes and such.

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. IT is really a horrid smell.

lord in heaven, takes me back to the art institute. the learnin' and the job to pay for the learnin'.

Anybody see the connection between tuesday week two and thursday week four?

A rolled up dollar bill.

don't know about that, but I'm thinking week 3 was all Teo's idea...

I don't think I've ever seen Lyle look so down on himself as he does in panel four.

Dude is jonesing it Curtis style.

Kyle's face in panel 4 is the face I make when telling the exact same story about working in a deli.

To all readers of Achewood: Nothing you ever buy in a deli will be sanitary.

Wise words. Just one question though:

[IMGS OFF]

Who the fuck is Kyle?

You better tell him, the dude is crazy.
[IMGS OFF]

Not only him, but all of his friends, too!
[IMGS OFF]

Ernest Borg-o-nine tails.

The Ernest Borg-o-nine tails
The Ernest Borg-o-nine tails
The Ernest Borg-o-nine tails and the Tar.

THE MYSTERY OF THE DRUIDS

[IMGS OFF]

i am thinking you kid get a lot of money for nude pics of Ernest Borgnine.

I work in a deli, plus I hate people. This is a bad combination if you don't want to eat things I dropped on the floor.

Pretending like I wasn't an asocial sociopath was one of the most important things I had to learn during my tenure as a bar-tender. Fortunately, the proprietor had been a SEAL/Naval Intelligence/CIA adviser, and was most helpful in these matters.

He also was most appreciative of having a strapping young fellow about who had no qualms about bellowing hostilities at misbehaving 400-pound ex-cons in his absence.

Egads, see what happens when you re-edit your response three or four times before hitting "post"?

Content drift.

All asocial sociopaths pretend they're not asocial sociopaths.

....I think.

This all brings up the worrying prospect of the existence of an asociopath.

I will freely admit to being an asocial sociopath, but most of the time it's just easier to smile politely and nod at people instead of shoving them out of your way because they're taking up the whole icy sidewalk and seriously what are you, like a hundred and seventy? Stay indoors! Safeway delivers.

Have I ever pretended to you guys? I'm pretty much always honest about my sociopathy.

Always a wiseass in the crowd. You do that just to break the rule.

I wonder whether Onstad ever actually had a restaurant job or just read Kitchen Confidential a number of times.

It is a pretty damn good pastiche of Mr Bourdain.

That's exactly what came to mind while reading this one.

My thoughts exactly. I read the lesson plan and thought, "hey, I've read this book already".

Not that I'm complaining - I am definitely pro Bourdain-In-My-Achewood.

Anthony Bourdain is a chef who thinks he's a rock star.

Gordon Ramsey is a rock star who thinks he's a chef.

Gordon Ramsay is actually the result of years of genetic testing. They wanted to see if they could graft a giant baby's head on to an average-sized man's body.

They can.

With DEADLY RESULTS

That is one remarkably foul-mouthed baby.

(Also a pretty broad use of the term genetic testing.)

well, that is what they told the baby it was, they couldn't get him to agree to Demikhov style head explorations.

why doesn't this have more chubbies

Saving my chubbies in case someone posts something funny in the next 3 weeks.

Or maybe he, like me, listened to the audiobook. Hearing it straight from the horse's filthy mouth enhances the experience.

G.T.L

Cocaine!? But Lyle would never betray his beloved brown liquors!

Also his eyes frighten the hell out of me in this strip.

Lyle can pretty much use the same lesson plan every semester. There is always a guy in Spokane who just quit this morning.

And he came from Saginaw and doesn't know how old he is.

And it took him three days to hitchhike from there.

Michigan seems like a dream to him now.

The devil he knew.

He drank with all the Chinamen?

Walked the sewers of Paris?

But he was looking for America.

While dangling from a rope of sand.

Heave away, boys.

(Okay that's it for this comment chain.)

-----------------------

I blame myself.

As a teacher, this is great. I just need to adopt Lyle's lesson plan to the philosophy course I'm teaching right now, and I'm set for the semester.

I'd better go pick up a copy of Screw and find a guy named Hector before Friday's class.

As a teacher, this is great. I just need to adopt Lyle's lesson plan to the SAT/TOEFL test prep course I'm teaching right now, and I'm set for the semester.

I'd better go pick up a copy of Screw and find a guy named Hector before Saturday's class.

Screw is invaluable if you are doing a sociological study on perversion (I'm up to Advanced Child Molesting).

But what's wrong with Club International? Or Swank? Those are my preferences.

Barely Legal sounds nice in theory, but it's still the same soft Hustler nonsense. Gotta get the good stuff from the back of the racks.

Can I see your copy of Swank, Belgand?

Belgand's frozen peas!

Anyone else notice this strip has three names from Penny Arcade?

No? Only me? Okay, I'll be quiet.

Nice job, you've gracelessly outed Onstad as the Internet's biggest fan of that ten-year-long dick and fart joke. If only he had been more subtle in his fandom!

Wait, Professor Hazard? How long have you been back?

It is unclear.

I was here the whole time.

Seriously though, I only come and play Acheworld when I can get in on it early enough to plant some quality one-liners/references and see how they bloom throughout the day. On the other hand, when I click on the comic to rate it and see that there are already nine hundred thousand comments, I just move along to my other stops on the Internet Highway.

But I do miss all my Ache-friends, and it warms my duodenum to know that my absence was noted.

Duodenum, doo-dooooo-do-do-do
Duodenum, doo-do-do-do
Duodenum, doo-dooooo-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-doot-do-do-do-do.

I don't know what you had in my mind but I am hearing this to the Dora the Explorer theme.

Why do you know the Dora the Explorer theme?

Sometimes a dude is sick and has to stay home and all he can do is sit in bed in his slippers with a bowl full of Trix and the only thing that isn't completely terrible on television is a little Latina girl who likes exploring and also you like to jack it to her sometimes.

Does it count as pedophile if the five year old is a cartoon?

No, it could be another form of paraphilia. But only if it "causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning."

Well, is it bad if I'm attracted to Erin Esurance?

I don't think Erin is cause for therapy -- she does at least look like a woman. (Some of her fanpics are magnificent).

Her name is Erin? Huh. How did you find that out?

The fact that her name is mentioned in many of those commercials.

I guess I never noticed.

I like the newer ones, where they take real people and draw cartoon versions of them. I like them because the person says something like "Here's why I get animated about esurance" which should be a pun on being drawn as a cartoon AND being excited about esurance, but they sound so completely bored with everything about esurance. It is pretty funny.

There a little funny. I like the old school ones the best. My least favorite is the Pwrfl Power one.

A cute girl with pink hair and some sexy outfits is considered largely acceptable. You know what isn't though?

[IMGS OFF]

This isn't.

Don't mess with a dude who knows how to find the basest of perversions on the Internet.

UGH ray you are hell of fucking me in the ass

Fuck that shit to hell, dude. Fuck it to death.

Agreed. But the problem was that it wasn't even remotely hard to find. This means there is invariably much, much more out there.

Rule 34 on 1341

What does that number mean anyway?

"I love you a"

"/34/!"

I believe it originated in some forum somewhere and this is in reference to that forum.

I believe it was 4chan.
I didn't get that those were supposed to be slashes. Now it makes sense. I guess. For idiocy.

I would think so, but I wasn't certain. I don't want to ascribe to them perversion that might be below their level.

Sounds like a dude is sick all of the time.

[IMGS OFF]

The other day there was a news story about the aftermath of some tragedy... The Galveston Hurricane?... and how the authorities would now be bringing in the cadaver dogs. Somehow 'cadaver dogs' flipped a switch in my brain, and all I could hear was:

cadaver dogs, doot doo dee doot doot
cadaver dogs, doot doo doo doot
cadaver dogs, doot doot de-doo doot, de-doo doot, da doot doot doot doot

I have to stop myself from laughing at cadaver dogs now because I'm sure that will end up on your profile somewhere.

that is funny to me.

chubbied.

It's good to hear from you on occasion Prof. I've still got your axe if you need it back.

Also, I was warming your mother's duodenum last night.

And I thank you for it; she suffers badly from Chilled Duodenum Syndrome (CDS) and will be glad of the relief.

wow, guys. where is the love? just because you like mini-golf doesn't mean you can't love an actual game

But what if you just don't like something, is that okay? I need to know.

What the hell kind of asshole doesn't like things, dick?

THIS asshole-dick.

I'm not your dick, cock!

Dickcock.

They said he couldn't change his name to Dickcock.
He was about to prove them wrong

He's not your cock, douche!

I'm not your douche, dirtcrap!

Was this already a thing of which I was not consciously aware or did I inadvertently start a thing?

It's been done here before.

I don't know, but your aviconatar's been catching my eye for a while now.

handface 2: this time it's not handface 1

It was the promo image for the christmas episode of House and I thought it was hilariously relevant.

Does that make it Olivia Wilde?

I thought there was something...scintillating about it.

It was already sort of a thing from South Park (Canada on Strike) and I just jumped on the opportunity.

A meme. Learn to Dawkin

GOD DON'T YOU KNOW THAT PLAYING GUITAR HERO DOESNT MAKE YOU A REAL MUSICIAN

SERIOUSLY JUST BECAUSE REAL GUITARISTS SUCK WHEN THEY PLAY GUITAR HERO DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT BETTER THAN YOU IN REAL LIFE

I would chime in to say that the same holds true for drummers and Rock Band drums, but I don't have the energy for all those caps.

Also bass

Singing too.

dude I am actually a decent singer but I am HORRIBLE at Rock Band because their pitching system is insanely inaccurate.

That's right, theguitarhero doesn't play guitar in guitar hero.

AutoTune that shit. It might destroy the world though.

Psst everyone theguitarhero is deluded about his singing ability pass it on.

No, Rock Band's pitch detector thing really is off. And the placement of syllables and note changes is often incorrect. Really the singing part of Rock Band is its weakness; obviously not much thought was put into it.

I don't know, man - RB said I was a lousy singer and it was right. On the other hand, it said I was a bad drummer and a good guitarist, so I guess one must take its opinion with several grains of salt.

While I agree it has problems it had a lot of effort put into it. If you'll recall it goes back to when Harmonix made Karaoke Revolution which came out before Guitar Hero.

The vocal section has had the most work put into it over the years.

harmonix:
FREQUENCY/AMPLITUDE 4-EVA
(also, Cowboys From Hell was HELLA hard to accomplish back in the day.)

[IMGS OFF]

So those pictures of you with the Guitar Hero axe were an elaborate ruse?

[resisting urge to post one of those pics of a hot naked girl with a guitar hero guitar, come on don't pretend you haven't seen them]

Don't resist too hard -- its about time this board starts looking like anonib.com.

A Google image search for "naked guitar hero" returns a lot of pictures of hot naked girls with guitar hero controllers. Interesting.

Damn, I was looking forward to seeing Clapton's wang.

They didn't call him Slowhand fer nuttin'.

Well in a way they did.

No but I no longer own the Guitar Hero axe in question, I traded it in.

Hopefully soon I will have the money to buy Rock Band and a few of its requisite instruments.

When that day comes, you'll forget that there was ever a thing called Guitar Hero.

I will still remember, because I prefer the Xplorer model Guitar Hero guitar they made for the release of Guitar Hero II on Xbox 360, because it is a reproduction of one of my favorite guitars AND you can plug it into your computer to use it as a MIDI instrument.

I just won't be buying World Tour, even though it has one of my favorite songs on it.

The Xplorer is your favorite guitar?

SNICKER

Would that be Blink-182 or The Nuge?

At The Drive-In's "One Armed Scissor".

... and My Axe?

[IMGS OFF]

... at what?

Everything

I am so glad that I will never have to dish pig again.

I remember fondly the night I graduated from dish pig to cook. I worked at a late night place from 11pm to 6am. I had to go out and find 3 house bricks in the middle of the city at about 2am. The kitchen I worked in used to place a brick on top of any order of well-done steak to speed up cooking time, these bricks were never washed, and only occasionally replaced.

When I failed to find some replacement bricks I "invented" a solution to the problem, throw the steaks in the deep fryer. My days of dish pigging were over, unfortunately the giddiness went to my head and three weeks later I left to pursue a job in telephone sales. (I was fired from that job after three days, best thing that could have happened.)

That's pretty much all that people who get their steak well done deserve.

CAL-COO-LOOSE?

Pop Tent

OK mayor, we can drop the fa-sayd.

Aeroobics

Just a new copy of my rezoom...

And over here is a little bit of MOOTZ-A-RELL...

SPA-GHEY-TA

With a bit of MARINAAAA-RA

also PIPE CAMP

fuzzyshoo, come have some of my brisket. Try some of my fatty loin.

Here professorhazard, have some riblets, it'll cheer you right up.

Let us all go down to Puddin's

GUESS WHO'S SON DIED

Puddin's is the one episode of TGTTM that I can't watch. The ending hurts me.

I find it preferable to the final episode of the series, and in fact wish it HAD been the final episode of the series.

The didgeridoo ending didn't do it for me either.

Hey, nice-on-water.

...

COK-A-BLOK!!

I've only watched it once, it's so incredibly depressing.

"Ohhhh Brendan, Brendan ohhhhh my son..."
JEFFERTON ALIIIVE

Rebirth

Hands down best episode

I am not a fan of T&E:ASGJ.

Both things are wrong forever. Best episode is any with Gibbons and the Jeffy one and "Undercover."

GIBBAAAANS!

Oh man I am having such a marathon this weekend.

I wonder what the new girlfriend will think of that show.

She will disown you; sorry. On the plus side, a marathon of TGTTM is a great friend/girlfriend acid test.

When my girlfriend admitted to liking Tom Goes To The Mayor and Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job! I knew I would marry her someday.

:')
D...didja ever marry her?

not yet, we've only been going out for 6 months.

Tim and Eric love knows no "socially correct" courtship period. Pop that question, spring that ring.

ha, she would love you (in a platonic way).

I'd make her love me in the opposite-of-plantonic way. I'ma steal yo girlfriend.

BITCH I WILL MURDER YOU IN YO SLEEP.

THIS IS THE KIND OF VIOLENCE I WILL BE RESCUING MY NEW GIRLFRIEND FROM

Nice-on-water: Lonely.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5Y1BxtjkMc

Wednesday: Lab (Northender). Instructor shows class his favorite scars and asks students if their sisters/mothers/aunts have bit fat titties. Students and instructor must be arrested by the end of the lab.

Putting my feet up and whipping out a copy of Screw is actually an accredited way of telling people you mean business, and you aren't afraid to "be the bad guy".

In deleted scenes from Dead Poet's Society, Patch Adams, and Good-Will Hunting, Robin Williams shows just how effective it is.

Robin Williams has never been still long enough to both put his feet up on something and read a magazine.

Robin Williams can't read.

My favorite Robin Williams movie is the Patterson-Gimlin film.

just kidding it's Popeye

But his hirsuteness can.

Man, I hate Dead Poet's Society. I had to watch that piece of crap like ten times in various English classes in high school.

OMG they TEACH that movie now? Holy hell.

It's required viewing for classes taught by teachers who think "Tuesdays with Morrie" is quality material.

oh yes very much so. I had to watch it and Forrest Gump every few weeks. Mostly after every test.

Once, we watched Seabiscuit.

I H*TE THOSE MOVIES

Forrest Gump I like, but those others, yes.

We watched Princess Bride and Star Wars. Actually, we also read Princess Bride. Apparently "archetypes" was supposed to be a theme that year. This was an honors course.

The negative side was having to read and watch The Natural. I don't know which I deeply loathe more.

The only thing worse than watching Dead Poet's Society in ten different English classes is having to sing I Believe I Can Fly at twelve different graduations.

Or hearing "Good Riddance" at every prom/ graduation/ series finale ever.

Having to watch Fried Green Tomatos once, and then screw the book, because the English teacher does not want us to have to read

We also watched a film adaptation of Twelfth Night if I remember that class right. And did soap operas.

Your english teachers sound like the kind of women (I say this because all of mine were women) who had numerous posters with inspirations, and the closer they were to her desk, the more cats there were. She wears seasonally appropriate clothing to school, with a visual indication of what the season is. She has pins for every minor holiday, a sweater for every major one. Today she comes in, and her sweater matches the only-vaguely-literary bulletin board behind her, and in that kind of runny voice she has, she asks all the students how American Idol was, since she was too busy reading to watch, except she knows way too much about the episode, so you make up something that didn't happen, and she corrects you.....
After she regains face, you take out the Odyssey. She gestures to the white board, where the assignment was written. You notice that she has you start reading some 300 lines in, and you mention casually that you love the opening, can we please talk about it. And she mocks you, and your classmates laugh, and as you cry that night, you vow that you'll make her pay.
You'll make her pay so much.
The assignment: "Write no fewer than three pages about the character of Odysseus." Fifty pages later, having discussed at great length historical allusions to his dong, your bloodlust is sated.
She never reads it. She fails you on the assignment, because it was too long.
This is anger. And this is War.

God, yes. I had this woman as a teacher many, many times until I finally got into AP English, where suddenly, the teachers gave a shit about actually educating us.

My 10th grade English teacher had us read Camus' L%u2019�tranger; imbuing me with an existential angst that I have been unable to alleviate all these years. Another year of childhood would have been appreciated.

%u2019 equals '

Oh well, when I was a student, I had lots of ambitions. But when I had to give up my studies I learned very quickly that none of it really mattered

Without AP english I would have failed college many times over.

However she did commit one egregious sin against me and my young self. She managed to omit the scene in 1968's film version of Romeo and Juliet in which this girl
[IMGS OFF]
reveals her sweater kittens. I was unaware that this scene existed until years later which blew my mind but also pissed me off when I found out she was 15 at the time and now it is creepy for me to enjoy it, though at the time of seeing the movie, it would have been entirely appropriate.

This is the girl, fuck wikimedia.

[IMGS OFF]

I think I'ma have to look this movie up now.

It's the famous Franco Zeffirelli version of the film. Widely reputed to be the best adaptation. You can likely find the relevant two second clip online.

There was an anniversary screening of it locally last year or so. The actress showed up. Apparently she's still highly fuckable. Apparently.

She is a hussey and was only 15 at the time. They needed to get special permission to show her tits and she was then barred from attending the premiere because she was too young to see her own breasts.

Ms. Hussey is now 57, and not highly fuckable (although all women are putatively fuckable).

I didn't attend. I simply heard on the Internet from people who went. I am now learning to doubt their judgment in the future.

Oh goodness 15 year old me had a megahard crush on this bitty.

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