Scratch that, Philippe is so adorable all the time.
invidious » neu2 days ago
With the glasses on, Philippe bears an uncanny (i.e., worrisome) resemblance to Paul Shaffer.
greenkoolayd » neu2 days ago
worrisome, indeed.
ratacat » neu11 hours ago
http://www.cwgp.org/gurewitch_and_onstad.php
appears to be in Rochester New York
Nick Gurewitch and Chris Onstad Wednesday, February 10, 2010
samhayler » neu2 days ago
Oh my goodness, the raised eyebrow in panel two. Sometimes, the machinations of Ray confuse even the five-year-old otter.
raptorattack » neu21 hours ago
Philippe isn't confused. He just knows that if Ray is asking him to do something it must be super important. That is Philippe's concentrating face.
shinkusan » neu2 days ago
He is just the cutest little Ray.
m3tanoia » neu1 day ago
mockereo » neu1 day ago
yes. yes those were both in the strip. thank you for isolating them.
falseprophet » pro1 day ago
If you look at it the right way it looks like one half of the cover of The Beatles "Let It Be"
raticus » neu3 hours ago
That pose of Ray wasn't there! Are you seeing things?
How could you overlook that WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU
raticus » neu3 hours ago
Fixed that for you.
higuma » neu3 days ago
what is the sack of onions for
oldhusky » neu3 days ago
it is for winning
actualtaunt » neu3 days ago
I can dig the onions.
shelbydavis » neu2 days ago
I can dig your avicon (assuming it's from Metropolis?)
stereo » neu1 day ago
Even in the 20s, they knew that robot chicks would be freaky hot.
shelbydavis » neu1 day ago
In science fiction, is perhaps most basic concept.
zapatos » neu1 day ago
Thank you NetFlix
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
word to your mnom. thats going in my qway.
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
**mom
soup_alex » neu21 hours ago
om mnom mnom
gunsofray » neu16 hours ago
om mnom mnom mnom on my mom, Tom!
gunsofray » neu16 hours ago
Or Alex.
soup_alex » neu11 hours ago
om mnom... Mnomquah?
usversusthem » neu2 days ago
Good. Once you've dug them up, let me know and I'll send you a tape of something to play them.
hatstand_mcq » neu2 days ago
They are there to listen Tony Robins. Unfortunately, Ray forgot that onions can only extract information from the spoken word while their roots rest in the dark earth. Those onions aren't listening. They are screaming.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Like in Harry Potter!
hatstand_mcq » neu2 days ago
Harry Potter and the Onions Which Wouldn't Listen.
mockereo » neu2 days ago
it is after the seventh book when he finishes his training to be an Auror but then since voldemort is gone there is no need for him.
He is now a prep cook.
invidious » neu2 days ago
Severous Snape has been replaced by Gordon Ramsey.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Gandalf died but came back as Dumbledore's hand.
gormster » neu2 days ago
And after Hitler died, everybody lived in peace for the rest of time!
dusty » pro2 days ago
we don't seriously debate things here, and we're certainly not starting with a serious debate about the sociopolitical climate in the Harry Potter world. Mockereo's statement stands as a basis for absurdity. Continue.
granularsilica » neu1 day ago
[quote]And after Hitler died, everybody lived in peace for the rest of time![/i]
At least in Europe, so far.
hatstand_mcq » neu1 day ago
The Bosniaks might beg to differ.
nice-on-water » neu1 day ago
Well Canada's doing alright, yeah?
mockereo » neu1 day ago
nobody really realizes but we're at war in Afghanistan.
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
speak for yourself.
wazza » neu1 day ago
We've always been at war with (a small country in) Eastasia.
gunsofray » neu16 hours ago
Next target: that place where people look and talk different.
Canada.
nice-on-water » neu15 hours ago
In my opinion America and Canada are, for all intents and purposes and disregarding obvious cultural differences, very very similar with more similarities than differences. This is from having met a few Canadians from various places (BC, Nova Scotia, Toronto, Ottawa, among some other places). Canadians can yell at me starting now.
granularsilica » neu12 hours ago
Mon dieu! You forget about the French-speaking Quebec! Very obvious cultural difference there.
fineoakstructure » neu11 hours ago
Ottawa is basically part of Quebec.
nice-on-water » neu11 hours ago
Is it though? They wear Blue-Jeans and listen to Rock And Rolls.
onepapertiger » neu5 hours ago
word
nice-on-water » neu22 hours ago
Ugh, Afghanistan ruins everything.
greenkoolayd » neu18 hours ago
fuck YOU, afghamistam.
granularsilica » neu12 hours ago
Quote:
The Bosniaks might beg to differ.
Ah yes, the Balkans. Have they ever been still? Sorry to have slighted the Southern Slavs, I was more thinking of France, Germany and Russia.
missbee » neu2 days ago
I have no mouth and I must scream.
wazza » neu2 days ago
Introducing the new iScream!
scorpio_nadir » neu1 day ago
How many flavors?
shelbydavis » neu1 day ago
None. Mr. Ellison has sued and the product has been recalled.
deusoma » neu1 day ago
The End. No Moral.
scorpio_nadir » neu1 day ago
You know he's a lititgious little fuck ( another true anecdote).
Years ago on usenet people were posting scanned ebooks of his stories and the guy heard about it; was all kinds of red-assed ready to sue them for loss of income- all 3 paying readers.
Had his barrister in on it, whole 9 yards.
Now you can say
The End No Moral, Dr. House
daedala_x » neu21 hours ago
he also sued CBS for the revision and misinterpretation of his script for the Star Trek episode "The City on the Edge of Forever" which was in the original series but he didn't sue until like 2009.
Harlan Ellison is a man who keeps a list of people and things he dislikes. that list is then subdivided into "angry but will not sue", "might sue", "sue immediately" and "bag of goddamn onions".
deus » neu21 hours ago
You forgot the "intelligence of an artichoke" category.
daedala_x » neu19 hours ago
scorpio_nadir » neu19 hours ago
snort!
made me laugh. would chub again.
Quote:
Ellison attended Ohio State University for 18 months (1951-53) before being expelled. He has said that the expulsion was a result of his hitting a professor who had denigrated his writing ability, and that over the next forty-odd years he had sent that professor a copy of every story he published.[3]
Moving to Chicago, Ellison wrote for William Hamling's Rogue magazine. As a book editor at Hamling's Regency Books, he published novels and anthologies by such writers as B. Traven, Kurt Vonnegut, Robert Bloch and Philip José Farmer and Harlan Ellison..
[...]
In 1976, Ellison married his fourth wife, Lori Horowitz. They later divorced.
greenkoolayd » neu18 hours ago
he sounds like a dude that ladies would not want to spend much time with.
shelbydavis » neu15 hours ago
He gets with women but in the end they do not like him!
mercuri0us » neu8 hours ago
Is it a game about fucking hard or a fucking hard game?
for some people a victory in both is an equally challenging task.
deus » neu1 day ago
HAHAHA! Oh god that guy is a douche!
I like his books though....so its kinda like Hamsun....sorta...
deus » neu23 hours ago
NO! I'm not comparing Harlan Ellisons writing with Hamsun's.
I like his sci-fi but come on!
Who won the nobel peace prize.....then sent it to Hitler....
You see where the Harlan Ellison comparison comes in?!
wazza » neu23 hours ago
the prize for literature, not the peace prize. And he mailed it to Goebbels, not Hitler.
wazza » neu23 hours ago
I had never heard of him before wikipedia
deus » neu21 hours ago
sorry...i suck...TIRED TIRED! Im sorry im TIRED!
deus » neu23 hours ago
Thing is Harlan is a sci-fi Pat....but still he still have some Fuck you Friday dickiness moments...
Fuck it he's my hero.
invidious » neu17 hours ago
Much like a volcano, he's wildly entertaining to watch from a safe distance. Besides, if there's one thing history has proven it's that severe personality defects are in no way an impediment to being a great writer.
Ellison survives on his sci-fi rep, but much of his non-sci-fi stuff is brilliant, also. "Neither your Jenny Nor Mine" very well might be the greatest short story of all time.
mr-siegal » neu10 hours ago
What about 'My Jenny is Your Jenny'?
i_love_kate » neu1 day ago
Doublechubbied.
By Calvin Klein.
vermy » neu1 day ago
Later counterfeited as:
Chobbyduce
by Young Men in China.
deus » neu2 days ago
The question is; what does the onions want in life!?
scorpio_nadir » neu2 days ago
They...want to be potatoes?
deus » neu2 days ago
THEN THEN NEED TO COPY THE POTATOES!!!!
i_love_kate » neu2 days ago
Not to have their nuts shot off with a sawn-off shotgun?
greenkoolayd » neu2 days ago
we all(who have nuts in the first place) want that.
evilsteve » neu2 days ago
First Ray has the onions, then he gives Philippe the onions so as to transfer possession of the onions. In this case no one named Lester has the onions.
tekende » neu2 days ago
That was a stretch even Stretch Armstrong would have difficulty making.
allenphreak » neu2 days ago
Ah man, and his arms stretch out to next week!
scorpio_nadir » neu2 days ago
Philippe has a wicked sack of onions
fermatprime » neu1 day ago
They're there to tie to your belt, which was the style in my day!
jaypage » neu14 hours ago
i'd assume they've got the glasses and necklace in them.
onegoodmonkey » neu3 days ago
Those onions are gonna be really good though
puguglypress » neu3 days ago
Phillippe looks like a Christian rapper... from the future.
actualtaunt » neu3 days ago
I pity the fool who dares to cross a Christian rapper.
lordparadise » neu2 days ago
Depending on your interpretation of the Bible, that cross might have exactly the same effect as the Medallion of King Chochacho. Then again, it might also have something closer to a Volvo of Despair effect.
jeffspaulding » neu18 hours ago
nice-on-water » neu11 hours ago
Looks alright.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Just commenting on your avicon--it's amazing, number one, but number two, is that the woman from Metropolis after she's been replaced with the skank-bot? She looks pri-tay devilish there.
ethelthefrog » neu2 days ago
Skank-bots!
zapatos » neu1 day ago
Yes please, I'll take two!
hedonismbot » neu1 day ago
They are not as neat as one would think. Lubrication is a huge issue
wazza » neu1 day ago
you mean you don't engage in all your sexual activities in a giant vat of motor oil?
mockereo » neu1 day ago
realistically, no.
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
melted butter.
daedala_x » neu21 hours ago
not in Heavy Metal 2000 it's not.
hedonismbot » neu11 hours ago
You damn kids and your remakes of friggin classics! The original was one of the greatest things ever. To say nothing of the comics (an early source of pornography for a growing bot). Also, at least half of the bands on the 200 version's album are terrible, and I have no idea how they got Bauhaus on there. Damn kids.
gormster » neu3 days ago
puguglypress you are the first person to come off my ignore list ever.
puguglypress » neu2 days ago
yeah im pretty cool
rowboat » pro13 hours ago
So you read through your ignored comments? Weird.
puguglypress » neu7 hours ago
It might have been a context thing, like he saw someone replying to my comment and the reply made him curious about the original comment.
actualtaunt » neu3 days ago
HERE COMES A SPECIAL ENTREPRENEUR!
deus » neu2 days ago
Right, okay.
salvar » pro3 days ago
Props for the Orgone reference. Now sneak in some Radium Water and we've got a deal.
onegoodmonkey » neu3 days ago
Onions are best if you pee on the plant while it's growing AND talk to it
smallblackdog » neu2 days ago
but.. what is the correct etiquette for such conversations? Cornelius would know.
i_love_kate » neu2 days ago
So, would you like a drink? I should have offered you something to drink.
magreaux_dogg » neu2 days ago
I wonder if my mom knows.
freewilliam » neu2 days ago
"Are you a dirty little onion?"
hedonismbot » neu2 days ago
My onions' favorite music is scat.
greenkoolayd » neu2 days ago
[[giggle]] thats a musical style named after poop......
smallblackdog » neu23 hours ago
Hedonismbot is clearly a man who knows his onions
smallblackdog » neu1 day ago
It's even better if you don't urinate on your shoes while talking to the plant - avoid expectorations.
dougthehead » pro3 days ago
Philippe's idea of a successful greeting is to offer money in a voice filled with music and love. Which isn't a bad idea, actually.
quinlaenar » pro2 days ago
I thought that Philippe was saying he wanted to get money, like if Ray hadn't interrupted, the next line would have been "It's ME!" But that's awesome, too.
srikamaraja » neu2 days ago
Do I smell a check for six dollars on its way?
hedonismbot » neu2 days ago
What? No. That's the sack of onions you smell.
expellens » neu3 days ago
I'm waiting for the camera to pull back and reveal Phillipes' tite new thong. You know he's rocking the Speedo right about now.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
AAAAAAAAH
actualtaunt » neu2 days ago
Is that "AAAAAAAAAH I'M SCARED AND CONFUSED," "AAAAAAAAAAH I'M LOUD AND YOU'RE ADORABLE,"
or "AAAAAAAAAAAH THIS WAS SOOOO REFRESHING"?
(by the way, on a personal note, I've been out. Glad to see you nice-on-water. I plan on chubbying witty things you say. It's been a long time, ol' pun pal)
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
:D
I look forward to punny chubs.
But yeah, that was a AAAAAH I'M SCARED AND CONFUSED kind of, because young folks don't need genitalia enhancing or at least prominencing clothing for some time. This is something I have a real issue with. Ten year olds' boxers or training bra straps showing...no. This is not a good thing ever.
actualtaunt » neu2 days ago
In troth, I hate even more than 10-year-old-bra is the section in Wal*mart where there are many bras that, were in not for their prodigious size, would be children's clothing (little cute flowers, smiley faces &c)
I look, and I think "Are these bras for large women who never grew up, or has the nation's tween become a gluttonous mass of DD flowerpower?"
pmbarrett » neu2 days ago
maybe you guys should get a room.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Hello vomit my old friend
shelbydavis » neu2 days ago
I've found the lingerie again
Because a vision somewhat shocking
Left its seeds while I was shopping
And the vision
Of the children in my brain
Still remains
Of training bras... and DD sizes.
nice-on-water » neu1 day ago
In restless anxiety I shop aloooone...etc
goddamnstain » neu3 days ago
I'm really glad Chris Onstad put this comic up.
lordparadise » neu2 days ago
At this point I don't think anyone will complain about the storyarcishness of this. Assuming this will make a full transition into a comic about Philippe trying to be Ray, this is just the sort of old-school simple premise that made the original story arcs so wonderful. Compare: Beef, Metrosexual; Anarchist's Cookbook.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Well now that you've said it, of course it's been thoroughly jinxed. Hopefully not. I hope this one is handled with care like the precious cargo a Philippe arc should be.
wic » neu3 days ago
In Finland we have this special place for people who don't want to go to the otherwise mandatory army service for able men, where they remain a month and then start a year lasting slavery for the country. (Which is actually only 11 months these days, yay progress.)
In any case, while I was there, I had the pleasure for me to meet an actual Orgone salesman. Instead of spending time in Orgone box he carried these iron pipes, "cloudbusters" in his backpack. The sticking iron pipes made him to look like a spaceman or at least a scary lunatic with a strange view on the world (he of course made a speech on how William Reich was nothing but a misunderstood genius and how dirt in a pipe can make cure everything and make rain), so I was too afraid to ask if he was planning on selling to cloudbusters or if they were there to cure the backache caused by the heavy backpack in the first place.
hatstand_mcq » neu2 days ago
Dear wic. I have read your post three times, but its meaning still eludes me. I feel like I'm chasing an old witch through a labyrinth. Every time I grab at her she rounds a corner and disappears further into the maze.
gormster » neu2 days ago
Whilst at a Finnish slave camp (to which he was sentenced for evading conscription) he met a guy who believed in a bunch of hippy crap.
actualtaunt » neu2 days ago
In an east Finnish Slave Camp, born and raised
Sellin' Orgone is how I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
and sellin' some orgone outside of the school
Then a couple of soldiers who were up to no good
started drafting hippies in my neighborhood
I got in one little court case and my mom got scared
said "Olet muuttamassa kanssa täti ja setä Bel Air"
actualtaunt » neu2 days ago
oh, cool, I'm dancing to the rhythm.
mockereo » neu2 days ago
will smith dances better though
actualtaunt » neu2 days ago
your bear dances better than will smith
Dancing woman < Will Smith < Your bear
Sorry public school
greenkoolayd » neu2 days ago
that was fuckin' cool, dogg.
jeffspaulding » neu2 days ago
Nice. Two Wilhelm Reich references. 1st panel ("little man") and last panel ("Orgone box").
This makes me happy.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Last time you posted the "You laugh at jokes made about you" drawing with it. You're slipping.
cracklewater » neu1 day ago
And your first reply was from nice-on-water, wearing the face of JD Salinger, who used to hang out in an orgone box from time to time.
Spooky.
heccibiggs » pro3 days ago
Philippe's face in panel two: he's taking this shit seriously.
hatstand_mcq » neu2 days ago
He doesn't want to mess up like he did last time. He thinks he's ready now. He won't let Ray down again.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Right. Okay. With you so far.
i_love_kate » neu2 days ago
Onions. Okay. I am in control of this information.
shelbydavis » neu2 days ago
That's pretty much the way I look when my thesis adviser explains stuff to me. "Right. Okay. Beta is a measure of detection bias. I am in control of this information."
radioelectric » neu1 hour ago
Hey, what are you studying?
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
I've known onions:
I've known onions ancient as the world and older than the
flow of human blood in human veins.
My soul has grown deep like the onions.
zapatos » neu1 day ago
These are onions.
I know onions.
actualtaunt » neu1 day ago
Whose onions these are, I think I know;
His sack is in the village, though
He will not see me stop and hear
This tape of Tony Robbins, bro!
My little otter thinks it queer
To stop without medallions near
While I consume this Whole Foods steak
And drink a fifty dollar beer.
He gives his little thong a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
My missed appointment makes him weep
To hear the whole foods guy's a flake.
The orgone box is dark and deep.
But I have appointments to keep,
And spuds to sell that won't be cheap,
And spuds to sell that won't be cheap.
nice-on-water » neu22 hours ago
I won't chubby this out of spite because no one recognized my Langston Hughes reference.
Aw hell, here ya go.
actualtaunt » neu21 hours ago
A contraire; I recognized your american poet, and I raised you an american poet.
You may choose to counter with... an american poet?
nice-on-water » neu18 hours ago
I must've missed it then, so whoops, my "B."
expellens » neu15 hours ago
That is amazing Ms. Robot Dance Party. All ryhming iambic tetrameter, and [aaba bbcb ccdc dddd] structure and such.
Ooooohh shiiiit!!!
hatstand_mcq » neu11 hours ago
I hope I am not too late for the 20th century American poetry/Achewood mashup. I have a submission.
Call the roller of fat jays
The tubby one, and bid him whip
Three egg yolks for the aioli.
Let the low dudes dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring cold white wine and crispy stellas.
Let us hope the small bear does not start undressing.
The only emperor is the emperor of wasabi dressing.
smilebuddha » pro3 hours ago
I laugh sometimes when I think about
say
Cornelius at a typewriter
or Lyle...
or Ray...
ordinary animals with feet, ears, eyes,
ordinary animals with hair on their heads
sitting there typing words
while having difficulties with life
while being puzzled almost to madness.
Lyle gets up
he leaves the machine to piss,
comes back
drinks a fifth of Old Grand-Dad and thinks about
the football and
shoving it three feet.
Cornelius stops, gets up, walks to the
window, looks out, thinks, my last regular
at the Dude and Circumstance died today,
I won't have to murmur platitudes
to him again.
when I saw him last
he paid his tab up;
it's those who don't pay their bills,
they live on and on.
Cornelius walks back, sits down at the
machine
is still for a good two minutes
then begins to type.
Ray stands over his machine thinking,
I wonder if they are going to believe
all these things I write?
he sits down, begins to type.
he doesn't know what a writer's block
is:
he's a prolific son-of-a-bitch
damn near as magnificent as
the Chochacho Sun.
he types away.
and I laugh
not out loud
but all up and down these walls, these
dirty yellow and blue walls
Roast Beef asleep near the
table
hiding his eyes from the
light.
he's not alone tonight
and neither am
I.
capslock_annliv » pro12 hours ago
Droning a drowsy Tony Robbins tune,
Inanimate to a mellow croon,
I saw an onion learn.
Down on Via Vera the other night
By the bright white glare of Cadillac headlights
It laid there in a bag . . .
It laid there in a bag . . .
To the tune o' Awaken the Giant.
With its sienna roots dead out from the ground
It made that poor hipster spend her money.
Social awareness!
Rolling to and fro on a rickety table
It cost that sad hobo dude a seven-dollar toll
Sweet cash!
Coming from an American Curl%u2019s soul.
O Scratch!
In a deep song voice with a courageous tone
I heard that veggie sing, that old onion scream--
"Ain't got no knowledge in all this world,
Ain't got no care but for ma self.
I's gwine to quit bein%u2019 ignorant
And put ma self up on the shelf."
Thump, thump, thump, went dumb onions on the floor.
He played some chess then he screamed some more--
"I got the Cameroon Blues
And I can't be sold for cheap.
Got the BBC Blues
And can't be sold for cheap--
I ain't a dummy no mo'
And I wish that I was alive."
And far into the night he crooned %u2018bout Cameroon.
The choppers touched down and so did the Giant.
The onion stopped caring and went to bed
While the Political Blues echoed through his layers.
He slept like an onion or a man that's dead.
nice-on-water » neu11 hours ago
This Is Just To Say
I have eaten
the onions
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for dinner
Forgive me
they were delicious
so organic
and so knowledgeable
shelbydavis » neu9 hours ago
You do not do, you do not do
Any more, US News
From you I have read like a fool
For thirty minutes, dull and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.
Ray, I have had to read for you.
You dialed before I had time--
Marble-heavy, a box full of orgones,
A ghastly statue with one gray suit,
Big as a seven-dollar tuber.
notdavidbowie » neu6 hours ago
I've seen the onions of my generation
Read to in a bag by Tony Robbins.
hatstand_mcq » neu37 minutes ago
The apparition of these faces in the crowd,
Onions in a wet brown bag.
falseprophet » pro2 days ago
Philippe has been potty trained. He knows never to take a shit with a devil-may-care attitude.
woodenteeth » neu2 days ago
God of fun 'round Ray's neck...
neonfreon » neu2 days ago
Fellas, i'm sitting here listening to some music - the beatles rooftop concert - and i have this cat on my lap
the cat is all black - 100% black, and it acts like a dog - follows me on 3 mile walks etc
it's licking itself all over right now and I have never felt more strongly that Ray Smuckles is not a cat
I'm looking at him right now and i'm having to admit he looks a lot more like yogi bear with nipples than a fucking cat
My challenge to ACHEWOOD dedicated posters: post the jpegs of cats that more closely resemble Ray Smuckles than Yogi bear
neonfreon » neu2 days ago
neonfreon » neu2 days ago
Compare that to the first cat - it's clear that Ray Smuckles is a bear or at least a genetic mistake
lolsworth » neu2 days ago
I have never seen a cat that looked more like Ray than that li'l guy.
emosexy » neu9 hours ago
Someone please lame him for me. I am supposedly too mean to do it. :(
edd36 » neu2 days ago
It's the ears that make you think this but
edd36 » neu2 days ago
Sorry, I meant to post THIS
wazza » neu2 days ago
or this?
iduf » neu2 days ago
Let's play "THE CAT IS SLOWLY EVOLVING INTO RAY"!
iduf » neu2 days ago
Or "Mess up your BBcode".
autrepoupee » neu2 days ago
you stay away from my son, ray the cat
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
aaaa ray the cat get away from me!
i_love_kate » neu2 days ago
Ray the cat isn't allowed near public schools anymore.
hatstand_mcq » neu2 days ago
Ray the Cat is not allowed near local schools.
Ray the Cat understands that what he did was very wrong.
Ray the Cat has served his prison sentence, and just wants to get on with his life.
A local mother is running a petition to get Ray the Cat removed from the area.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Ray the Cat is not cool with his past life decisions but hopes to make better ones now that he has help because life is hard and we all need a little bit of support from others.
Ray the Cat is no different.
Ray the Cat wants to be better.
Ray the Cat wants what we all want.
Ray the Cat is doing his best.
Ray the Cat is taking it one day at a time.
hatstand_mcq » neu2 days ago
There once was a feline called Ray
Who behaved in a terrible way.
He succumbed to temptation,
So he's now on probation.
What was it that made him that way?
autrepoupee » neu2 days ago
"Phillipe, what did I tell you about bringing girl's to our business meetings?"
wazza » neu2 days ago
girl's what?
autrepoupee » neu2 days ago
boobs
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
amen.
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
is that a defaced picture of david berkowitz(sp?)?
rowboat » pro13 hours ago
I was thinkin' Jim Jones.
un_malpaso » neu7 hours ago
Show me where Ray asked you to touch him on this stuffed kitty.
varnish » neu1 day ago
I don't like what you're doing here. I don't feel like I have a lot of outs.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Pilippe-Ray is the cutest thing since Philippe's bee costume MAYBE.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
LET'S SPELL HIS NAME REALLY WRONG TODAY OKAY GUYS
lolsworth » neu2 days ago
Misspelling Philippe I can understand. (is it two ells or two pees or both oh god I am not ready for this it makes no sense IT MAKES NO SENSE !) It's the people who keep calling Téodor "Téodore" and such that gets to me. It is the third most straightforward name (after "Ray" and "Beef") and what's more YOU ONLY EVER SEE IT WRITTEN DOWN. IT IS NOT LIKE THIS IS RADIO AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS AT HOW THE WORDS WOULD LOOK WHEN WRITTEN DOWN. WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Also if you're unsure it's so much easier to spell T or Tacodor! COME ON PEOPLE THIS IS SIMPLE STUFF
wazza » neu2 days ago
I think "Pat" and "Nice Pete" are more straightforward than "Teodor"
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Secondary characters to Teodor's primary. Put your thinking brain on, boy, shit.
wazza » neu2 days ago
you didn't specify that.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
It shouldn't even have to be said. Shit, fool. Thinking brain. Invest in one.
mr-siegal » neu2 days ago
Aisle brain, waz.
wazza » neu2 days ago
I ain't in the business of mentally covering for your failings, dogg
nice-on-water » neu1 day ago
Good thing I never fail mentally.
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
...and then you woke up and realized it was all a dream.
nice-on-water » neu1 day ago
WAY TO MAKE FUN OF THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED
nice-on-water » neu1 day ago
BOO GREENKOOLAYD BOOO
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
would it feel any better coming from your ladyfriend gladi? in surri ei dint misepll awll da werdz. hoo du yu fink yoo r?
nice-on-water » neu22 hours ago
Wait what?
greenkoolayd » neu18 hours ago
it was a tantrum. pay no mind.
nice-on-water » neu18 hours ago
Oh.
actualtaunt » neu2 days ago
i'm basically a shit dude but spelling things wrong isn't a thing of intent it is like i have not done it right and then it will not such as let me edit man its just the way man
lolsworth » neu2 days ago
An edit function is sorely needed, this is entirely correct.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Is that what he was saying? I agree.
un_malpaso » neu7 hours ago
it's not a bug, it's a creature
quinlaenar » neu2 days ago
I had to read this one twice to notice Philippe thought that a book about being successful was about a giant living in a mountain. Success on Onstad's part.
redmange » pro2 days ago
Yes, yes, yes, I love where this is going, I am excited, this is good, this is what should be. This is what was meant to be. There was a time before this, but that time is gone, and we will never speak of it again. We will never again speak of the time before Rhillipe.
nice-on-water » neu2 days ago
Ray-leep? Phil-ay. Filet! Good! Bad?
greenkoolayd » neu2 days ago
Phray.
mockereo » neu2 days ago
THE MOST SUCCESSFUL FIVE YEAR OLD EVER
daidai » neu2 days ago
Somewhere, the kid on the Life Cereal box is furious
pmbarrett » neu1 day ago
everywhere he's furious. he peaked at five, on a cereal box, for the whole country to see.
mawk » neu1 day ago
shame on that kid. it's too bad that life has made him idiotic.
nice-on-water » neu1 day ago
Wishin' he died from them Pop Rocks and Coke but damned if God didn't have other plans. He liked Life; he must suffer through life.
scorpio_nadir » neu2 days ago
You gots any fresh shreemp gumbo?
i_love_kate » neu2 days ago
Philippe has no shoulders. My guess is that he stopped paying attention to the CD/onions as soon as he heard "be like someone you like!" and thence wandered off to begin carefully stapling that chain to his neck.
charchar » neu2 days ago
I was about to make this comment and then I decided to see if it had been done.
GodDAMMIT, i_love_kate, you have ruined my day.
i_love_kate » neu1 day ago
There is no silver medal in knife fighting, but there is a consolation chubby in this.
miaou » neu2 days ago
I gave this comment a lol.
puguglypress » neu2 days ago
I think he actually became a success and got a high-paying job in that time just to impress Ray
stereo » neu1 day ago
I figure like a false beard, it's just hooked behind his ears or something.
carrett » neu2 days ago
Speaking of onions, is there presently any way to purchase the Achewood cookbooks? They're out of stock here and on Amazon and I really want them.
greenkoolayd » neu2 days ago
bla bla bla $10k up front bla bla bla
zapatos » neu1 day ago
Man I ordered the CookBook II six months ago. I still do not have my copy.
I did get the kick-ass limited edition Phillipe Pint Glass though!
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
i have heard this complaint from others, as well. i have yet to buy the first one.
platnmplus » pro2 days ago
Is it just me or does it look like when he puts on the sunglasses, Philippe is as bald as Suge Knight (sans cigar)?
greenkoolayd » neu2 days ago
phillippe is considerably less menacing. and hes covered in fur, so i wouldnt consider him bald.
platnmplus » neu2 days ago
I wonder if the chain Suge's wearing there is a cross or a medallion...
mawk » neu2 days ago
Two Rays. One is five. The other is not.
miaou » neu2 days ago
Two Rays. One is a cat. The otter is not.
mawk » neu1 day ago
reading this, I felt simultaneous jollity and nausea, as if while the rest of me was laughing, my central organs were straining to escape from a world in which such puns could be stated so casually.
I believe anyone who can expertly give rise to such an amalgam of emotion deserves at least a chubby for technique -- a "technichubby," if you will, although you won't.
pmbarrett » neu22 hours ago
miaou and the amazing technichubby dream-post.
pmbarrett » neu22 hours ago
sorry everybody
un_malpaso » neu7 hours ago
Oh, I will. I give out chubbies like Alec Baldwin gives out Glengarry leads. You want them, and you can't have them. And this comment made me curse my unborn children for having a father who was so clever yet failed... failed to see the otter pun. May Moe have mercy on my soul.
quinlaenar » neu2 days ago
Every single one of Philippe's first eight words have a punctuation mark after them.
Food for thought.
greenkoolayd » neu2 days ago
regarding dialogue, phillippe is the anti-roast beef.
hatstand_mcq » neu2 days ago
That's a very good observation. You obviously have an eye for these things. Have you considered the high flying world of being an English student?
theirateturk » neu2 days ago
Best comic in months
Don't like the repetition of little massive man though
hedonismbot » neu2 days ago
Neither did she
i_love_kate » neu1 day ago
Little Massive Man
the astonishing debut single
from
M.U.M.ford & tha $onzzzz
gladi8orrex » neu1 day ago
lol isnt dat teh guy whose gf got her snatch swarmed on by teh bassball team?
granularsilica » neu1 day ago
I thought we buried that. Oh well.
gladi8orrex » neu1 day ago
buried that like a penis in ir8trucks gf's clam, maybe
pumpinpedal » neu2 days ago
I totally love this.
falseprophet » pro2 days ago
Business Deals Are Like Basketball
I am there
And the client is there
And it is just the two of us
And I put the client in my limo
And then I am the winner.
crom » neu2 days ago
doppelganger » neu2 days ago
It's really just a place to jerk off.
cracklewater » neu1 day ago
THIS IS THE BOX WHERE THE ORGONES SHALL ACCUMULATE
plummet » neu2 days ago
Oh my God
this
this is AWESOME
gladi8orrex » neu2 days ago
azn fact: alotta them need glasses. waaay too many glass
azn fact: they have they kids learn classical instruments (piano, mostly chinese)
that is jus' somea the things i know abot slopes. thx for listlinin
plummet » neu2 days ago
gj bruv, you get a chubbie
greenkoolayd » neu2 days ago
they make rad food. chinese food is the shit.
plummet » neu2 days ago
BRO TIP: the chinese food you get in Chinese-American restaurants is not real chinese food.
Authentic chinese food has chicken feet and gizzards and heads and other fun things
greenkoolayd » neu2 days ago
duh. chinese people make it, so i call it chinese food.
i_love_kate » neu1 day ago
When actually Chinese-American peole make it, so you should probably just go ahead and call it Chinese-American food.
The key difference between Chinese-American food and Chinese-British food is the profusion of hilarious inappropriate faux-British pet names that you recieve in response to your order.
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
what is a faux-british pet name?
stereo » neu1 day ago
Guv'nah, chum, mate, the whole rozzle tov.
hatstand_mcq » neu1 day ago
I assume that i_love_kate is talking about the way that terms of address which sound natural in the voice of a white northern barmaid in her fifties (love, pet, chuck etc.) sound rather different, although still very charming, when spoken by a young Cantonese girl who is taking your order for Beef in black bean sauce. I remember being very amused when I heard a Sikh cabbie in Glasgow call my sister 'hen' in a thick Punjabi accent.
i_love_kate » neu1 day ago
I am glad that there are people on this board who are not completely overcome by my incoherent babblings.
i_love_kate » neu1 day ago
So I am.
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
[[nod]] when i see 'faux-british pet name', i think of the phrase 'faux-dago sexuality'. im sure it is because they are constructed similarly.
gladi8orrex » neu1 day ago
Mustard: a common spice foraged from the roots of the mustard plant. oftren uset in amercian quizine. (i.e, frankfarts, hambrugers, french frys, 'junior' tacos, sammichs.)
i oslo got food facts. i no a lil abot alot an thast okay
wazza » neu1 day ago
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Gladi8orrex is dangerous in many ways.
shelbydavis » neu1 day ago
Alexander Pope's all, "drink deep, or taste not the Pierian--" and Gladi's all "Fuck yeah man, gimme a swig a that."
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
how does a 'junior taco' differ from a 'taco'?
mockereo » neu1 day ago
but the most important member of the taco family is definitely the Macatacahodo 360
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
that is the coolest name for a foodstuff that i have ever heard.
wazza » neu1 day ago
I made myself a plate of those last year. They were... filling.
greenkoolayd » neu18 hours ago
i bet they make your poops mad sturdy, yo.
hedonismbot » neu11 hours ago
(pre-apology)
One is legal, the other is not.
nice-on-water » neu11 hours ago
Maybe you should've gotten us a pre-pre-apology.
un_malpaso » neu7 hours ago
junior taco only has to do 3 to 5 and can ditch probation
nice-on-water » neu11 hours ago
Chinese-Scottish has been nothing but a delight so far, thank you very much.
tekende » neu1 day ago
Depends where you go. Yeah, Super China King Buffet or whatever ain't very Chinese. But most of the nicer sit-down places tend to be more authentic.
There's a place here called Dot Wo. I ate there a while back with my family and a couple of visitors from China (parents of an exchange student who stayed with my grandparents a couple years ago). I asked one of the visitors if the food we were eating was about like what they eat at home or if it was more Americanized and he said it was about the same.
To be fair, he didn't speak English really well so it's possible he didn't know what I was saying. I don't know.
gladi8orrex » neu1 day ago
he was bein' polite bro. dint wanna damage ur views on stuff he was prob like 'man dis guaylo aint never come to fatherland. the fuck i mess up his enjoyment of a dish. i'll jus' lie to 'em. hope he d8s my daughter'
mockereo » neu1 day ago
please tell me you learned "guaylo" from Fast and the Furious : Tokyo Drift. thats where i learned it.
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
so thats like an asian equivalent of the word "gringo", right?
wazza » neu1 day ago
I thought it was the Tau word for human soldiers
it's spelled Gue'la, by the way
plummet » neu1 day ago
For Chinese, it's Gwailo, yes
for Japanese, if they call you a Gaijin they are basically calling you a nigger in their own language
fineoakstructure » neu20 hours ago
I always saw it written as "gwei lo" when I lived in Hong Kong in my youth, but it doesn't really matter.
General translation was "white devil".
greenkoolayd » neu18 hours ago
r u azn? or did you grow up in a military family?
fineoakstructure » neu15 hours ago
Neither.
sup u got smthng aganst milatary cuz i gotz r-me peepz
no srsly tho im rme of won
greenkoolayd » neu15 hours ago
nuh, dud, muh yonger bruh id in teh r-me. have mad respek 4 da miletairi doodz en chiks, reguardlezz.
puguglypress » neu14 hours ago
i misread that as "miletairi doodz en chinks", which would have tied the discussion together quite nicely.
nice-on-water » neu11 hours ago
Them japs sure are racist.
hedonismbot » neu11 hours ago
I'm going to sidestep this white devil stuff to jump up and down while clapping. I ate at Dot Wo all the time in high school. I've spent a good deal of time in Beijing lately, and I can say the Dot Wo menu is fairly accurate, if a little limited. Pei Wei is not at all Chinese.
Next time you are at Dot Wo, ask them to get you my special chair. Doing so gets you a 10% discount and trouble walking properly.
nice-on-water » neu1 day ago
He's right, though.
mawk » neu1 day ago
man, glass. ha ha. you have no idea.
odog » neu2 days ago
I smell a wonderful story arc. Just when I started to think Chris Onstad was entering a cycle of repetition that any artist can fall into, he comes up with a new twist on the whole Whole Foods thing. I'm glad it's not just Ray being a badass about being a businessman and Ray being snarky about having bad ideas.
Good for you Onstad.
aristagoras » neu2 days ago
"It's where I win. Watch." made me laugh out loud, which few comic strips out there have made me do of late (except Tony Millionaire, he always makes me laugh out loud and then feel awful for doing so).
I forgot AMAZING ART, it goes between the slice and the spurt.
plummet » neu1 day ago
*dook dook dook*
I think it is rad to have alcoholism
un_malpaso » neu7 hours ago
I agree, but I hate the smell of arc in the morning. It smells like... closure.
aristagoras » pro2 days ago
Good stuff overall. Panel Eight should be a tattoo.
hatstand_mcq » neu1 day ago
Wow. That would be extremely creepy to anyone who did not read Achewood. That would be horrible. Imagine seeing that picture engraved on someones flesh and having no idea what it meant. Your reptile brain would be screaming at you to smash the tattooee in the face with a pint pot and run for the hills. Other poor Achewood tattoo choices would be Teodor in a black unitard massaging his 'goooood tiiiiits' and Ray rising out of the trash can with his bad tasting cookies. On the other hand, Pat's rock hard cat cock would probably be quite forgivable, thanks to its exuberant and joyful rudeness.
mawk » neu1 day ago
as a general rule, I do not think tattoos should contain speech bubbles.
plummet » neu1 day ago
I have a tattoo on the tip of my penis, near the urethra. It is a speech-bubble saying, Put me in your Vagina!
wazza » neu1 day ago
totally not worth the agony of having a needle repeatedly driven into your glans.
plummet » neu1 day ago
by agony you mean sweet ecstasy I presume
mockereo » neu1 day ago
i gave this a chubby because the thought of it GAVE me a chubby!
mr-siegal » neu1 day ago
True story:
At a pharmacy I worked in a young man asked an assistant for something for a mouth ulcer. The assistant asked to see the ulcer so that she could recommend an approppriate product. The patient initially refused, but on the assistant's insistance opened his mouth. Tattood on the inside of his bottom lip was "sit here."
scorpio_nadir » neu20 hours ago
well that's a novel pickup line
un_malpaso » neu7 hours ago
as a general rule, I do not like tattoos placed on any mucous membrane
dusty » pro2 days ago
The The E-Onion Inspire, with Tony Robbins and Karl Lagerfeld. Yours for only $7 at Zales Foods.
gladi8orrex » neu1 day ago
karl legerfeld? i love.
xi » neu2 days ago
That's the cutest thiggity thing I ever did see.
srikamaraja » neu1 day ago
PHILIPPE. IS. MASSIVE.
sdskyle » neu1 day ago
I was kinda hopin Philippe would want to become a bike messenger and maybe he would get a fixie and some skinny jeans and wear glasses like Lyle...
plummet » neu1 day ago
NO. NO.
DO NOT SPOIL A BEAUTIFUL THING.
Onstad is on the fucking ball right now and I will not have you push him off
greenkoolayd » neu1 day ago
fuck you, asshole! dont you EVER blaspheme on my assetbar again! i will cut you a third asshole.
neonfreon » neu1 day ago
good posts
neonfreon » neu1 day ago
good non posts
mr_november » neu21 hours ago
Phillipe's eyebrows in panel two clearly indicate he is ready for a situation involving onions in a sack.
steerpike66 » neu20 hours ago
That look of incredulity in P2 is simply wonderful.
greenkoolayd » neu5 hours ago
Garfield: First Blood
A tale of adventure, passion and romances!
It was a sunny day when Garfield was practicing Tai Chi on the roof top to harness his inner strength when he heard panic.
%u201CGarfield there is panic!%u201D Said Jon Arbuckle.
%u201CStop behaving like woman, Jon Arbuckle, what is the matter?%u201D Scolded Garfield as he put on his members only jacket.
%u201CNatalie Portman has been kidnapped you must come to the rescue!%u201D Said Jon Arbuckle with bone chilled eyes.
%u201CWHAT.?!%u201D Said Garfield as he bolted down the stairs with speed of a buffalo hoard.
Garfield switched on the tv showing Natalie Portman taken captive by vampire gangsters.
%u201CHelp Garfield, I am being taken captive by vampire gangsters!%u201D Cried Natalie Portman in hysterically.
%u201CHAHA Garfield!, We demand the blood Bank of USA give us 600 million gallons of blood, all in one hundred dollar bills or else we will be making evening breakfast out of Natalie Portman!%u201D Said the head Vampire Gangster with menace.
%u201CThe only deposit being made will be yours!%u201D Said Garfield with triumph, while shooting the tv in anger with his Desert Eagle.
%u201CGarfield what will you do?%u201D Asked John Arbuckle with audacity.
%u201CA man must do what he must do I will rescue Natalie Portman with these hands.%u201D Said Garfield fist clenched with justice.
Garfield strutted to his closet where he took his steak firing machine gun. He then hopped into his ALL AMERICAN four wheeled pick up truck.
%u201CGarfield let me come with you%u201D said John Arbuckle with intent.
%u201CNo you must stay, if I do not return in 24 hours call Tiger Woods.%u201D (Timely Joke)
%u201CThat was a timely joke Garfield.%u201D Said John Arbuckle, getting his joke.
Garfield than drove off into the thickness of summer night, determined to deliver justice through personal delivery.
When driving, Garfield turned on the radio for inspirational music.
%u201CHere is inspirational music for Garfield so that he may save the day again.%u201D Said the DJ.
The DJ started playing heart thumping rocking music to pump Garfield up.
%u201CThis is the beat to my groove.%u201D Said Garfield as he let himself get pumped.
As Garfield drove he saw a kid taking drugs and ruining his life. Garfield was enraged by the waste of the youth and ran him over with his pickup truck.
%u201CDrugs are for dopes go back to education!%u201D Said Garfield.
%u201CYes you are right Garfield.%u201D Said the kid who stopped doing drugs and went back to school for degrees.
Garfield than arrived at the vampire warehouse where the vampire gangsters held their Natalie Portman. Garfield notices there was a vampire gangster guarding the entrance.
%u201COh, no its Garfield I must make alarm!%u201D Said the vampire gangster.
%u201CThe only alarm you will be making is in hell!%u201D Said Garfield as he shot the vampire gangster in the chest with his Desert Eagle.
%u201CHA Garfield! Vampires can only be killed with steaks and suns!%u201D Said the vampire gangster.
%u201CFool my bullets are made of suns.%u201D Said Garfield with astrophysics.
%u201COh no I am dead!%u201D Said the stupid vampire gangster as he burned away.
Garfield lit a cigarette on the burning vampire and continued his mission. During exploration, Garfield encountered two other vampire gangsters guarding a room.
%u201CHere is a prime rib meal ready for serving!%u201D Quipped Garfield as he shot the vampire gangsters to their deaths with his steak gun.
Garfield than bursted into the room seeing the Natalie Portman captured with the menacing vampire gangster leader her at her side.
%u201CHaha Garfield you have entered a trap! Look around you are surrounded!%u201D Said the Vampire Gangster leader.
Garfield looked around him seeing vampire gangsters all around, closing in, when Garfield heard a familiar voice.
%u201CAMAKOOOO%u201D
John Arbuckle crashed in from the ceiling with his two golden revolvers daftly firing all around at the vampire gangsters.
%u201CThank you for my back up John Arbuckle, I was in a pit of danger%u201D Said Garfield with sternness.
%u201CNo problem, you have gotten me out of more jam than I can remember.%u201D Said John Arbuckle.
%u201CThe jig is up Vampire Gangster, time to face the face of justice.%u201D Said Garfield with justice coming out of his eyes and ears.
%u201COh no Garfield I have a terrible secret to unveil!%u201D Said the vampire gangster as he ripped off his face to reveal that he was really Odie!
%u201COdie how could you.%u201D Said John Arbuckle.
%u201CAfter all the adventure and bonding we shared you have fallen into criminality?%u201D Said Garfield with disappointment.
%u201CYes Garfield I am tired of you having all the glory and women. No more this time the glory and women will be my own!%u201D Said Odie with bitter triumph.
%u201COdie I thought you were a man but you are just a mutt.%u201D Said Garfield with sadness in his heart.
%u201CYou do not have the heart to kill me Garfield so say your good byes to your precious Natalie Portman!%u201D Leered Odie with evil.
%u201CYou are forgetting one thing Odie, you may have drawn first blood, but I always draw last.%u201D Said Garfield with cool style as he shot Odie with his Desert Eagle.
%u201CNOOOO%u201D Said Odie as he staggered and fell out of the window into acid.
Garfield went to the tied up Natalie Portman and freed her swiftly.
%u201CThank you Garfield I am forever in debt.%u201D Said Natalie Portman with love to Garfield.
%u201CNo problem babe I liked you in Space Balls, now lets dance a sexy tango.%u201D Said Garfield.
%u201CThank you for complimenting my acting.%u201D Said Natalie Portman with gratitude.
So after Garfields gracious compliments they both danced a sexy tango and got all tens.
%u201CWow Garfield you are great dancer are you doing anything tonight?%u201D Said Natalie Portman.
%u201CI am now, I will take to four stars restaurant called Olive Garden it has food of one of a kind taste.%u201D Said Garfield with class.
%u201CThat sounds delicious and romantic.%u201D Said Natalie Portman with romance on her mind.
With these words Garfield and Natalie Portman rode to Olive Garden on a black stallion with wind flowing through their hair.
The End??
teezee » neu5 hours ago
Never thought the day would come to use this, especially on assetbar, but:
%u201CTL;DNR%u201D
mr-siegal » neu4 hours ago
Unfortunately I did. Yours was the better choice.
ratacat » neu2 hours ago
it was pretty good. it had the style of when Philipe writes on the typewriter
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Scratch that, Philippe is so adorable all the time.
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http://www.cwgp.org/gurewitch_and_onstad.php
appears to be in Rochester New York
Nick Gurewitch and Chris Onstad Wednesday, February 10, 2010
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How could you overlook that WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU
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Fixed that for you.
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He is now a prep cook.
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At least in Europe, so far.
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Canada.
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Ah yes, the Balkans. Have they ever been still? Sorry to have slighted the Southern Slavs, I was more thinking of France, Germany and Russia.
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Years ago on usenet people were posting scanned ebooks of his stories and the guy heard about it; was all kinds of red-assed ready to sue them for loss of income- all 3 paying readers.
Had his barrister in on it, whole 9 yards.
Now you can say
The End No Moral, Dr. House
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Harlan Ellison is a man who keeps a list of people and things he dislikes. that list is then subdivided into "angry but will not sue", "might sue", "sue immediately" and "bag of goddamn onions".
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made me laugh. would chub again.
Quote:
Moving to Chicago, Ellison wrote for William Hamling's Rogue magazine. As a book editor at Hamling's Regency Books, he published novels and anthologies by such writers as B. Traven, Kurt Vonnegut, Robert Bloch and Philip José Farmer and Harlan Ellison..
[...]
In 1976, Ellison married his fourth wife, Lori Horowitz. They later divorced.
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I like his books though....so its kinda like Hamsun....sorta...
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I like his sci-fi but come on!
Who won the nobel peace prize.....then sent it to Hitler....
You see where the Harlan Ellison comparison comes in?!
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Fuck it he's my hero.
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Ellison survives on his sci-fi rep, but much of his non-sci-fi stuff is brilliant, also. "Neither your Jenny Nor Mine" very well might be the greatest short story of all time.
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By Calvin Klein.
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Chobbyduce
by Young Men in China.
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of onionsLogin to rate and reply to comments
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or "AAAAAAAAAAAH THIS WAS SOOOO REFRESHING"?
(by the way, on a personal note, I've been out. Glad to see you nice-on-water. I plan on chubbying witty things you say. It's been a long time, ol' pun pal)
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I look forward to punny chubs.
But yeah, that was a AAAAAH I'M SCARED AND CONFUSED kind of, because young folks don't need genitalia enhancing or at least prominencing clothing for some time. This is something I have a real issue with. Ten year olds' boxers or training bra straps showing...no. This is not a good thing ever.
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I look, and I think "Are these bras for large women who never grew up, or has the nation's tween become a gluttonous mass of DD flowerpower?"
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Because a vision somewhat shocking
Left its seeds while I was shopping
And the vision
Of the children in my brain
Still remains
Of training bras... and DD sizes.
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In any case, while I was there, I had the pleasure for me to meet an actual Orgone salesman. Instead of spending time in Orgone box he carried these iron pipes, "cloudbusters" in his backpack. The sticking iron pipes made him to look like a spaceman or at least a scary lunatic with a strange view on the world (he of course made a speech on how William Reich was nothing but a misunderstood genius and how dirt in a pipe can make cure everything and make rain), so I was too afraid to ask if he was planning on selling to cloudbusters or if they were there to cure the backache caused by the heavy backpack in the first place.
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Sellin' Orgone is how I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
and sellin' some orgone outside of the school
Then a couple of soldiers who were up to no good
started drafting hippies in my neighborhood
I got in one little court case and my mom got scared
said "Olet muuttamassa kanssa täti ja setä Bel Air"
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Dancing woman < Will Smith < Your bear
Sorry public school
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This makes me happy.
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Spooky.
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I've known onions ancient as the world and older than the
flow of human blood in human veins.
My soul has grown deep like the onions.
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I know onions.
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His sack is in the village, though
He will not see me stop and hear
This tape of Tony Robbins, bro!
My little otter thinks it queer
To stop without medallions near
While I consume this Whole Foods steak
And drink a fifty dollar beer.
He gives his little thong a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
My missed appointment makes him weep
To hear the whole foods guy's a flake.
The orgone box is dark and deep.
But I have appointments to keep,
And spuds to sell that won't be cheap,
And spuds to sell that won't be cheap.
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Aw hell, here ya go.
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You may choose to counter with... an american poet?
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Ooooohh shiiiit!!!
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Call the roller of fat jays
The tubby one, and bid him whip
Three egg yolks for the aioli.
Let the low dudes dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring cold white wine and crispy stellas.
Let us hope the small bear does not start undressing.
The only emperor is the emperor of wasabi dressing.
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say
Cornelius at a typewriter
or Lyle...
or Ray...
ordinary animals with feet, ears, eyes,
ordinary animals with hair on their heads
sitting there typing words
while having difficulties with life
while being puzzled almost to madness.
Lyle gets up
he leaves the machine to piss,
comes back
drinks a fifth of Old Grand-Dad and thinks about
the football and
shoving it three feet.
Cornelius stops, gets up, walks to the
window, looks out, thinks, my last regular
at the Dude and Circumstance died today,
I won't have to murmur platitudes
to him again.
when I saw him last
he paid his tab up;
it's those who don't pay their bills,
they live on and on.
Cornelius walks back, sits down at the
machine
is still for a good two minutes
then begins to type.
Ray stands over his machine thinking,
I wonder if they are going to believe
all these things I write?
he sits down, begins to type.
he doesn't know what a writer's block
is:
he's a prolific son-of-a-bitch
damn near as magnificent as
the Chochacho Sun.
he types away.
and I laugh
not out loud
but all up and down these walls, these
dirty yellow and blue walls
Roast Beef asleep near the
table
hiding his eyes from the
light.
he's not alone tonight
and neither am
I.
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Inanimate to a mellow croon,
I saw an onion learn.
Down on Via Vera the other night
By the bright white glare of Cadillac headlights
It laid there in a bag . . .
It laid there in a bag . . .
To the tune o' Awaken the Giant.
With its sienna roots dead out from the ground
It made that poor hipster spend her money.
Social awareness!
Rolling to and fro on a rickety table
It cost that sad hobo dude a seven-dollar toll
Sweet cash!
Coming from an American Curl%u2019s soul.
O Scratch!
In a deep song voice with a courageous tone
I heard that veggie sing, that old onion scream--
"Ain't got no knowledge in all this world,
Ain't got no care but for ma self.
I's gwine to quit bein%u2019 ignorant
And put ma self up on the shelf."
Thump, thump, thump, went dumb onions on the floor.
He played some chess then he screamed some more--
"I got the Cameroon Blues
And I can't be sold for cheap.
Got the BBC Blues
And can't be sold for cheap--
I ain't a dummy no mo'
And I wish that I was alive."
And far into the night he crooned %u2018bout Cameroon.
The choppers touched down and so did the Giant.
The onion stopped caring and went to bed
While the Political Blues echoed through his layers.
He slept like an onion or a man that's dead.
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I have eaten
the onions
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for dinner
Forgive me
they were delicious
so organic
and so knowledgeable
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Any more, US News
From you I have read like a fool
For thirty minutes, dull and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.
Ray, I have had to read for you.
You dialed before I had time--
Marble-heavy, a box full of orgones,
A ghastly statue with one gray suit,
Big as a seven-dollar tuber.
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Read to in a bag by Tony Robbins.
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Onions in a wet brown bag.
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the cat is all black - 100% black, and it acts like a dog - follows me on 3 mile walks etc
it's licking itself all over right now and I have never felt more strongly that Ray Smuckles is not a cat
I'm looking at him right now and i'm having to admit he looks a lot more like yogi bear with nipples than a fucking cat
My challenge to ACHEWOOD dedicated posters: post the jpegs of cats that more closely resemble Ray Smuckles than Yogi bear
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(marked lame by extortshorties, neo-aeris, Scorpio_nadir, mr-siegal)
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Ray the Cat understands that what he did was very wrong.
Ray the Cat has served his prison sentence, and just wants to get on with his life.
A local mother is running a petition to get Ray the Cat removed from the area.
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Ray the Cat is no different.
Ray the Cat wants to be better.
Ray the Cat wants what we all want.
Ray the Cat is doing his best.
Ray the Cat is taking it one day at a time.
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Who behaved in a terrible way.
He succumbed to temptation,
So he's now on probation.
What was it that made him that way?
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"Phillipe, what did I tell you about bringing girl's to our business meetings?"
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GodDAMMIT, i_love_kate, you have ruined my day.
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I did get the kick-ass limited edition Phillipe Pint Glass though!
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I believe anyone who can expertly give rise to such an amalgam of emotion deserves at least a chubby for technique -- a "technichubby," if you will, although you won't.
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Food for thought.
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Don't like the repetition of little massive man though
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the astonishing debut single
from
M.U.M.ford & tha $onzzzz
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I am there
And the client is there
And it is just the two of us
And I put the client in my limo
And then I am the winner.
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this
this is AWESOME
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azn fact: they have they kids learn classical instruments (piano, mostly chinese)
that is jus' somea the things i know abot slopes. thx for listlinin
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Authentic chinese food has chicken feet and gizzards and heads and other fun things
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The key difference between Chinese-American food and Chinese-British food is the profusion of hilarious inappropriate faux-British pet names that you recieve in response to your order.
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i oslo got food facts. i no a lil abot alot an thast okay
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Gladi8orrex is dangerous in many ways.
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One is legal, the other is not.
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There's a place here called Dot Wo. I ate there a while back with my family and a couple of visitors from China (parents of an exchange student who stayed with my grandparents a couple years ago). I asked one of the visitors if the food we were eating was about like what they eat at home or if it was more Americanized and he said it was about the same.
To be fair, he didn't speak English really well so it's possible he didn't know what I was saying. I don't know.
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it's spelled Gue'la, by the way
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for Japanese, if they call you a Gaijin they are basically calling you a nigger in their own language
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General translation was "white devil".
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sup u got smthng aganst milatary cuz i gotz r-me peepz
no srsly tho im rme of won
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Next time you are at Dot Wo, ask them to get you my special chair. Doing so gets you a 10% discount and trouble walking properly.
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Good for you Onstad.
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Always works for me.
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I think it is rad to have alcoholism
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At a pharmacy I worked in a young man asked an assistant for something for a mouth ulcer. The assistant asked to see the ulcer so that she could recommend an approppriate product. The patient initially refused, but on the assistant's insistance opened his mouth. Tattood on the inside of his bottom lip was "sit here."
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DO NOT SPOIL A BEAUTIFUL THING.
Onstad is on the fucking ball right now and I will not have you push him off
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A tale of adventure, passion and romances!
It was a sunny day when Garfield was practicing Tai Chi on the roof top to harness his inner strength when he heard panic.
%u201CGarfield there is panic!%u201D Said Jon Arbuckle.
%u201CStop behaving like woman, Jon Arbuckle, what is the matter?%u201D Scolded Garfield as he put on his members only jacket.
%u201CNatalie Portman has been kidnapped you must come to the rescue!%u201D Said Jon Arbuckle with bone chilled eyes.
%u201CWHAT.?!%u201D Said Garfield as he bolted down the stairs with speed of a buffalo hoard.
Garfield switched on the tv showing Natalie Portman taken captive by vampire gangsters.
%u201CHelp Garfield, I am being taken captive by vampire gangsters!%u201D Cried Natalie Portman in hysterically.
%u201CHAHA Garfield!, We demand the blood Bank of USA give us 600 million gallons of blood, all in one hundred dollar bills or else we will be making evening breakfast out of Natalie Portman!%u201D Said the head Vampire Gangster with menace.
%u201CThe only deposit being made will be yours!%u201D Said Garfield with triumph, while shooting the tv in anger with his Desert Eagle.
%u201CGarfield what will you do?%u201D Asked John Arbuckle with audacity.
%u201CA man must do what he must do I will rescue Natalie Portman with these hands.%u201D Said Garfield fist clenched with justice.
Garfield strutted to his closet where he took his steak firing machine gun. He then hopped into his ALL AMERICAN four wheeled pick up truck.
%u201CGarfield let me come with you%u201D said John Arbuckle with intent.
%u201CNo you must stay, if I do not return in 24 hours call Tiger Woods.%u201D (Timely Joke)
%u201CThat was a timely joke Garfield.%u201D Said John Arbuckle, getting his joke.
Garfield than drove off into the thickness of summer night, determined to deliver justice through personal delivery.
When driving, Garfield turned on the radio for inspirational music.
%u201CHere is inspirational music for Garfield so that he may save the day again.%u201D Said the DJ.
The DJ started playing heart thumping rocking music to pump Garfield up.
%u201CThis is the beat to my groove.%u201D Said Garfield as he let himself get pumped.
As Garfield drove he saw a kid taking drugs and ruining his life. Garfield was enraged by the waste of the youth and ran him over with his pickup truck.
%u201CDrugs are for dopes go back to education!%u201D Said Garfield.
%u201CYes you are right Garfield.%u201D Said the kid who stopped doing drugs and went back to school for degrees.
Garfield than arrived at the vampire warehouse where the vampire gangsters held their Natalie Portman. Garfield notices there was a vampire gangster guarding the entrance.
%u201COh, no its Garfield I must make alarm!%u201D Said the vampire gangster.
%u201CThe only alarm you will be making is in hell!%u201D Said Garfield as he shot the vampire gangster in the chest with his Desert Eagle.
%u201CHA Garfield! Vampires can only be killed with steaks and suns!%u201D Said the vampire gangster.
%u201CFool my bullets are made of suns.%u201D Said Garfield with astrophysics.
%u201COh no I am dead!%u201D Said the stupid vampire gangster as he burned away.
Garfield lit a cigarette on the burning vampire and continued his mission. During exploration, Garfield encountered two other vampire gangsters guarding a room.
%u201CHere is a prime rib meal ready for serving!%u201D Quipped Garfield as he shot the vampire gangsters to their deaths with his steak gun.
Garfield than bursted into the room seeing the Natalie Portman captured with the menacing vampire gangster leader her at her side.
%u201CHaha Garfield you have entered a trap! Look around you are surrounded!%u201D Said the Vampire Gangster leader.
Garfield looked around him seeing vampire gangsters all around, closing in, when Garfield heard a familiar voice.
%u201CAMAKOOOO%u201D
John Arbuckle crashed in from the ceiling with his two golden revolvers daftly firing all around at the vampire gangsters.
%u201CThank you for my back up John Arbuckle, I was in a pit of danger%u201D Said Garfield with sternness.
%u201CNo problem, you have gotten me out of more jam than I can remember.%u201D Said John Arbuckle.
%u201CThe jig is up Vampire Gangster, time to face the face of justice.%u201D Said Garfield with justice coming out of his eyes and ears.
%u201COh no Garfield I have a terrible secret to unveil!%u201D Said the vampire gangster as he ripped off his face to reveal that he was really Odie!
%u201COdie how could you.%u201D Said John Arbuckle.
%u201CAfter all the adventure and bonding we shared you have fallen into criminality?%u201D Said Garfield with disappointment.
%u201CYes Garfield I am tired of you having all the glory and women. No more this time the glory and women will be my own!%u201D Said Odie with bitter triumph.
%u201COdie I thought you were a man but you are just a mutt.%u201D Said Garfield with sadness in his heart.
%u201CYou do not have the heart to kill me Garfield so say your good byes to your precious Natalie Portman!%u201D Leered Odie with evil.
%u201CYou are forgetting one thing Odie, you may have drawn first blood, but I always draw last.%u201D Said Garfield with cool style as he shot Odie with his Desert Eagle.
%u201CNOOOO%u201D Said Odie as he staggered and fell out of the window into acid.
Garfield went to the tied up Natalie Portman and freed her swiftly.
%u201CThank you Garfield I am forever in debt.%u201D Said Natalie Portman with love to Garfield.
%u201CNo problem babe I liked you in Space Balls, now lets dance a sexy tango.%u201D Said Garfield.
%u201CThank you for complimenting my acting.%u201D Said Natalie Portman with gratitude.
So after Garfields gracious compliments they both danced a sexy tango and got all tens.
%u201CWow Garfield you are great dancer are you doing anything tonight?%u201D Said Natalie Portman.
%u201CI am now, I will take to four stars restaurant called Olive Garden it has food of one of a kind taste.%u201D Said Garfield with class.
%u201CThat sounds delicious and romantic.%u201D Said Natalie Portman with romance on her mind.
With these words Garfield and Natalie Portman rode to Olive Garden on a black stallion with wind flowing through their hair.
The End??
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%u201CTL;DNR%u201D
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