worrisome, indeed.

http://www.cwgp.org/gurewitch_and_onstad.php

appears to be in Rochester New York
Nick Gurewitch and Chris Onstad Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Oh my goodness, the raised eyebrow in panel two. Sometimes, the machinations of Ray confuse even the five-year-old otter.

Philippe isn't confused. He just knows that if Ray is asking him to do something it must be super important. That is Philippe's concentrating face.

He is just the cutest little Ray.

yes. yes those were both in the strip. thank you for isolating them.

If you look at it the right way it looks like one half of the cover of The Beatles "Let It Be"

That pose of Ray wasn't there! Are you seeing things?
How could you overlook that WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU

what is the sack of onions for

I can dig the onions.

I can dig your avicon (assuming it's from Metropolis?)

Even in the 20s, they knew that robot chicks would be freaky hot.

Thank you NetFlix

word to your mnom. thats going in my qway.

**mom

om mnom mnom

om mnom mnom mnom on my mom, Tom!

Or Alex.

om mnom... Mnomquah?

Good. Once you've dug them up, let me know and I'll send you a tape of something to play them.

Like in Harry Potter!

Gandalf died but came back as Dumbledore's hand.

And after Hitler died, everybody lived in peace for the rest of time!

we don't seriously debate things here, and we're certainly not starting with a serious debate about the sociopolitical climate in the Harry Potter world. Mockereo's statement stands as a basis for absurdity. Continue.

[quote]And after Hitler died, everybody lived in peace for the rest of time![/i]
At least in Europe, so far.

The Bosniaks might beg to differ.

Well Canada's doing alright, yeah?

nobody really realizes but we're at war in Afghanistan.

speak for yourself.

Next target: that place where people look and talk different.

Canada.

In my opinion America and Canada are, for all intents and purposes and disregarding obvious cultural differences, very very similar with more similarities than differences. This is from having met a few Canadians from various places (BC, Nova Scotia, Toronto, Ottawa, among some other places). Canadians can yell at me starting now.

Mon dieu! You forget about the French-speaking Quebec! Very obvious cultural difference there.

Ottawa is basically part of Quebec.

Is it though? They wear Blue-Jeans and listen to Rock And Rolls.

word

Ugh, Afghanistan ruins everything.

fuck YOU, afghamistam.

Quote:

Ah yes, the Balkans. Have they ever been still? Sorry to have slighted the Southern Slavs, I was more thinking of France, Germany and Russia.

Introducing the new iScream!

How many flavors?

You know he's a lititgious little fuck ( another true anecdote).
Years ago on usenet people were posting scanned ebooks of his stories and the guy heard about it; was all kinds of red-assed ready to sue them for loss of income- all 3 paying readers.
Had his barrister in on it, whole 9 yards.

Now you can say
The End No Moral, Dr. House

You forgot the "intelligence of an artichoke" category.

snort!
made me laugh. would chub again.

Quote:

he sounds like a dude that ladies would not want to spend much time with.

He gets with women but in the end they do not like him!

Is it a game about fucking hard or a fucking hard game?

the latter

for some people a victory in both is an equally challenging task.

HAHAHA! Oh god that guy is a douche!
I like his books though....so its kinda like Hamsun....sorta...

NO! I'm not comparing Harlan Ellisons writing with Hamsun's.

I like his sci-fi but come on!

Who won the nobel peace prize.....then sent it to Hitler....

You see where the Harlan Ellison comparison comes in?!

the prize for literature, not the peace prize. And he mailed it to Goebbels, not Hitler.

I had never heard of him before wikipedia

sorry...i suck...TIRED TIRED! Im sorry im TIRED!

Thing is Harlan is a sci-fi Pat....but still he still have some Fuck you Friday dickiness moments...

Fuck it he's my hero.

Much like a volcano, he's wildly entertaining to watch from a safe distance. Besides, if there's one thing history has proven it's that severe personality defects are in no way an impediment to being a great writer.

Ellison survives on his sci-fi rep, but much of his non-sci-fi stuff is brilliant, also. "Neither your Jenny Nor Mine" very well might be the greatest short story of all time.

What about 'My Jenny is Your Jenny'?

Doublechubbied.

By Calvin Klein.

Later counterfeited as:
Chobbyduce
by Young Men in China.

The question is; what does the onions want in life!?

They...want to be potatoes?

THEN THEN NEED TO COPY THE POTATOES!!!!

Not to have their nuts shot off with a sawn-off shotgun?

we all(who have nuts in the first place) want that.

First Ray has the onions, then he gives Philippe the onions so as to transfer possession of the onions. In this case no one named Lester has the onions.

That was a stretch even Stretch Armstrong would have difficulty making.

Ah man, and his arms stretch out to next week!

They're there to tie to your belt, which was the style in my day!

i'd assume they've got the glasses and necklace in them.

Those onions are gonna be really good though

I pity the fool who dares to cross a Christian rapper.

Depending on your interpretation of the Bible, that cross might have exactly the same effect as the Medallion of King Chochacho. Then again, it might also have something closer to a Volvo of Despair effect.

Looks alright.

Just commenting on your avicon--it's amazing, number one, but number two, is that the woman from Metropolis after she's been replaced with the skank-bot? She looks pri-tay devilish there.

Skank-bots!

Yes please, I'll take two!

They are not as neat as one would think. Lubrication is a huge issue

you mean you don't engage in all your sexual activities in a giant vat of motor oil?

realistically, no.

melted butter.

not in Heavy Metal 2000 it's not.

You damn kids and your remakes of friggin classics! The original was one of the greatest things ever. To say nothing of the comics (an early source of pornography for a growing bot). Also, at least half of the bands on the 200 version's album are terrible, and I have no idea how they got Bauhaus on there. Damn kids.

puguglypress you are the first person to come off my ignore list ever.

yeah im pretty cool

So you read through your ignored comments? Weird.

It might have been a context thing, like he saw someone replying to my comment and the reply made him curious about the original comment.

Right, okay.

Props for the Orgone reference. Now sneak in some Radium Water and we've got a deal.

Onions are best if you pee on the plant while it's growing AND talk to it

but.. what is the correct etiquette for such conversations? Cornelius would know.

I wonder if my mom knows.

"Are you a dirty little onion?"

My onions' favorite music is scat.

[[giggle]] thats a musical style named after poop......

Hedonismbot is clearly a man who knows his onions

It's even better if you don't urinate on your shoes while talking to the plant - avoid expectorations.

I thought that Philippe was saying he wanted to get money, like if Ray hadn't interrupted, the next line would have been "It's ME!" But that's awesome, too.

Do I smell a check for six dollars on its way?

What? No. That's the sack of onions you smell.

AAAAAAAAH

Is that "AAAAAAAAAH I'M SCARED AND CONFUSED," "AAAAAAAAAAH I'M LOUD AND YOU'RE ADORABLE,"
or "AAAAAAAAAAAH THIS WAS SOOOO REFRESHING"?
(by the way, on a personal note, I've been out. Glad to see you nice-on-water. I plan on chubbying witty things you say. It's been a long time, ol' pun pal)

:D

I look forward to punny chubs.

But yeah, that was a AAAAAH I'M SCARED AND CONFUSED kind of, because young folks don't need genitalia enhancing or at least prominencing clothing for some time. This is something I have a real issue with. Ten year olds' boxers or training bra straps showing...no. This is not a good thing ever.

In troth, I hate even more than 10-year-old-bra is the section in Wal*mart where there are many bras that, were in not for their prodigious size, would be children's clothing (little cute flowers, smiley faces &c)
I look, and I think "Are these bras for large women who never grew up, or has the nation's tween become a gluttonous mass of DD flowerpower?"

maybe you guys should get a room.

Hello vomit my old friend

In restless anxiety I shop aloooone...etc

At this point I don't think anyone will complain about the storyarcishness of this. Assuming this will make a full transition into a comic about Philippe trying to be Ray, this is just the sort of old-school simple premise that made the original story arcs so wonderful. Compare: Beef, Metrosexual; Anarchist's Cookbook.

Well now that you've said it, of course it's been thoroughly jinxed. Hopefully not. I hope this one is handled with care like the precious cargo a Philippe arc should be.

oh, cool, I'm dancing to the rhythm.

will smith dances better though

your bear dances better than will smith
Dancing woman < Will Smith < Your bear
Sorry public school

that was fuckin' cool, dogg.

Nice. Two Wilhelm Reich references. 1st panel ("little man") and last panel ("Orgone box").

This makes me happy.

Last time you posted the "You laugh at jokes made about you" drawing with it. You're slipping.

And your first reply was from nice-on-water, wearing the face of JD Salinger, who used to hang out in an orgone box from time to time.

Spooky.

Philippe's face in panel two: he's taking this shit seriously.

He doesn't want to mess up like he did last time. He thinks he's ready now. He won't let Ray down again.

Right. Okay. With you so far.

That's pretty much the way I look when my thesis adviser explains stuff to me. "Right. Okay. Beta is a measure of detection bias. I am in control of this information."

Hey, what are you studying?

I've known onions:
I've known onions ancient as the world and older than the
flow of human blood in human veins.

My soul has grown deep like the onions.

These are onions.
I know onions.

I won't chubby this out of spite because no one recognized my Langston Hughes reference.

Aw hell, here ya go.

A contraire; I recognized your american poet, and I raised you an american poet.
You may choose to counter with... an american poet?

I must've missed it then, so whoops, my "B."

That is amazing Ms. Robot Dance Party. All ryhming iambic tetrameter, and [aaba bbcb ccdc dddd] structure and such.

Ooooohh shiiiit!!!

I hope I am not too late for the 20th century American poetry/Achewood mashup. I have a submission.

Call the roller of fat jays
The tubby one, and bid him whip
Three egg yolks for the aioli.
Let the low dudes dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring cold white wine and crispy stellas.
Let us hope the small bear does not start undressing.
The only emperor is the emperor of wasabi dressing.

I laugh sometimes when I think about
say
Cornelius at a typewriter
or Lyle...
or Ray...
ordinary animals with feet, ears, eyes,
ordinary animals with hair on their heads
sitting there typing words
while having difficulties with life
while being puzzled almost to madness.

Lyle gets up
he leaves the machine to piss,
comes back
drinks a fifth of Old Grand-Dad and thinks about
the football and
shoving it three feet.

Cornelius stops, gets up, walks to the
window, looks out, thinks, my last regular
at the Dude and Circumstance died today,
I won't have to murmur platitudes
to him again.
when I saw him last
he paid his tab up;
it's those who don't pay their bills,
they live on and on.
Cornelius walks back, sits down at the
machine
is still for a good two minutes
then begins to type.

Ray stands over his machine thinking,
I wonder if they are going to believe
all these things I write?
he sits down, begins to type.
he doesn't know what a writer's block
is:
he's a prolific son-of-a-bitch
damn near as magnificent as
the Chochacho Sun.
he types away.

and I laugh
not out loud
but all up and down these walls, these
dirty yellow and blue walls
Roast Beef asleep near the
table
hiding his eyes from the
light.

he's not alone tonight
and neither am
I.

Droning a drowsy Tony Robbins tune,
Inanimate to a mellow croon,
I saw an onion learn.
Down on Via Vera the other night
By the bright white glare of Cadillac headlights
It laid there in a bag . . .
It laid there in a bag . . .
To the tune o' Awaken the Giant.
With its sienna roots dead out from the ground
It made that poor hipster spend her money.
Social awareness!
Rolling to and fro on a rickety table
It cost that sad hobo dude a seven-dollar toll
Sweet cash!
Coming from an American Curl%u2019s soul.
O Scratch!
In a deep song voice with a courageous tone
I heard that veggie sing, that old onion scream--
"Ain't got no knowledge in all this world,
Ain't got no care but for ma self.
I's gwine to quit bein%u2019 ignorant
And put ma self up on the shelf."
Thump, thump, thump, went dumb onions on the floor.
He played some chess then he screamed some more--
"I got the Cameroon Blues
And I can't be sold for cheap.
Got the BBC Blues
And can't be sold for cheap--
I ain't a dummy no mo'
And I wish that I was alive."
And far into the night he crooned %u2018bout Cameroon.
The choppers touched down and so did the Giant.
The onion stopped caring and went to bed
While the Political Blues echoed through his layers.
He slept like an onion or a man that's dead.

This Is Just To Say

I have eaten
the onions
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for dinner

Forgive me
they were delicious
so organic
and so knowledgeable

You do not do, you do not do
Any more, US News
From you I have read like a fool
For thirty minutes, dull and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.

Ray, I have had to read for you.
You dialed before I had time--
Marble-heavy, a box full of orgones,
A ghastly statue with one gray suit,
Big as a seven-dollar tuber.

I've seen the onions of my generation
Read to in a bag by Tony Robbins.

The apparition of these faces in the crowd,
Onions in a wet brown bag.

Philippe has been potty trained. He knows never to take a shit with a devil-may-care attitude.

God of fun 'round Ray's neck...

Fellas, i'm sitting here listening to some music - the beatles rooftop concert - and i have this cat on my lap

the cat is all black - 100% black, and it acts like a dog - follows me on 3 mile walks etc

it's licking itself all over right now and I have never felt more strongly that Ray Smuckles is not a cat

I'm looking at him right now and i'm having to admit he looks a lot more like yogi bear with nipples than a fucking cat

My challenge to ACHEWOOD dedicated posters: post the jpegs of cats that more closely resemble Ray Smuckles than Yogi bear

Compare that to the first cat - it's clear that Ray Smuckles is a bear or at least a genetic mistake

I have never seen a cat that looked more like Ray than that li'l guy.

Someone please lame him for me. I am supposedly too mean to do it. :(

It's the ears that make you think this but

Let's play "THE CAT IS SLOWLY EVOLVING INTO RAY"!

aaaa ray the cat get away from me!

Ray the cat isn't allowed near public schools anymore.

Ray the Cat is not allowed near local schools.
Ray the Cat understands that what he did was very wrong.
Ray the Cat has served his prison sentence, and just wants to get on with his life.
A local mother is running a petition to get Ray the Cat removed from the area.

Ray the Cat is not cool with his past life decisions but hopes to make better ones now that he has help because life is hard and we all need a little bit of support from others.
Ray the Cat is no different.
Ray the Cat wants to be better.
Ray the Cat wants what we all want.
Ray the Cat is doing his best.
Ray the Cat is taking it one day at a time.

There once was a feline called Ray
Who behaved in a terrible way.
He succumbed to temptation,
So he's now on probation.
What was it that made him that way?

"Phillipe, what did I tell you about bringing girl's to our business meetings?"

girl's what?

boobs

amen.

is that a defaced picture of david berkowitz(sp?)?

I was thinkin' Jim Jones.

Show me where Ray asked you to touch him on this stuffed kitty.

I don't like what you're doing here. I don't feel like I have a lot of outs.

Pilippe-Ray is the cutest thing since Philippe's bee costume MAYBE.

Misspelling Philippe I can understand. (is it two ells or two pees or both oh god I am not ready for this it makes no sense IT MAKES NO SENSE !) It's the people who keep calling Téodor "Téodore" and such that gets to me. It is the third most straightforward name (after "Ray" and "Beef") and what's more YOU ONLY EVER SEE IT WRITTEN DOWN. IT IS NOT LIKE THIS IS RADIO AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS AT HOW THE WORDS WOULD LOOK WHEN WRITTEN DOWN. WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE.

Also if you're unsure it's so much easier to spell T or Tacodor! COME ON PEOPLE THIS IS SIMPLE STUFF

I think "Pat" and "Nice Pete" are more straightforward than "Teodor"

Secondary characters to Teodor's primary. Put your thinking brain on, boy, shit.

you didn't specify that.

It shouldn't even have to be said. Shit, fool. Thinking brain. Invest in one.

Aisle brain, waz.

I ain't in the business of mentally covering for your failings, dogg

Good thing I never fail mentally.

...and then you woke up and realized it was all a dream.

WAY TO MAKE FUN OF THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED

BOO GREENKOOLAYD BOOO

would it feel any better coming from your ladyfriend gladi? in surri ei dint misepll awll da werdz. hoo du yu fink yoo r?

Wait what?

it was a tantrum. pay no mind.

Oh.

i'm basically a shit dude but spelling things wrong isn't a thing of intent it is like i have not done it right and then it will not such as let me edit man its just the way man

An edit function is sorely needed, this is entirely correct.

Is that what he was saying? I agree.

it's not a bug, it's a creature

I had to read this one twice to notice Philippe thought that a book about being successful was about a giant living in a mountain. Success on Onstad's part.

Yes, yes, yes, I love where this is going, I am excited, this is good, this is what should be. This is what was meant to be. There was a time before this, but that time is gone, and we will never speak of it again. We will never again speak of the time before Rhillipe.

Ray-leep? Phil-ay. Filet! Good! Bad?

Phray.

THE MOST SUCCESSFUL FIVE YEAR OLD EVER

everywhere he's furious. he peaked at five, on a cereal box, for the whole country to see.

shame on that kid. it's too bad that life has made him idiotic.

Wishin' he died from them Pop Rocks and Coke but damned if God didn't have other plans. He liked Life; he must suffer through life.

You gots any fresh shreemp gumbo?

I was about to make this comment and then I decided to see if it had been done.

GodDAMMIT, i_love_kate, you have ruined my day.

There is no silver medal in knife fighting, but there is a consolation chubby in this.

I gave this comment a lol.

I think he actually became a success and got a high-paying job in that time just to impress Ray

I figure like a false beard, it's just hooked behind his ears or something.

Speaking of onions, is there presently any way to purchase the Achewood cookbooks? They're out of stock here and on Amazon and I really want them.

bla bla bla $10k up front bla bla bla

Man I ordered the CookBook II six months ago. I still do not have my copy.

I did get the kick-ass limited edition Phillipe Pint Glass though!

i have heard this complaint from others, as well. i have yet to buy the first one.

Is it just me or does it look like when he puts on the sunglasses, Philippe is as bald as Suge Knight (sans cigar)?

phillippe is considerably less menacing. and hes covered in fur, so i wouldnt consider him bald.

I wonder if the chain Suge's wearing there is a cross or a medallion...

Two Rays. One is five. The other is not.

reading this, I felt simultaneous jollity and nausea, as if while the rest of me was laughing, my central organs were straining to escape from a world in which such puns could be stated so casually.

I believe anyone who can expertly give rise to such an amalgam of emotion deserves at least a chubby for technique -- a "technichubby," if you will, although you won't.

miaou and the amazing technichubby dream-post.

sorry everybody

Oh, I will. I give out chubbies like Alec Baldwin gives out Glengarry leads. You want them, and you can't have them. And this comment made me curse my unborn children for having a father who was so clever yet failed... failed to see the otter pun. May Moe have mercy on my soul.

Every single one of Philippe's first eight words have a punctuation mark after them.

Food for thought.

regarding dialogue, phillippe is the anti-roast beef.

That's a very good observation. You obviously have an eye for these things. Have you considered the high flying world of being an English student?

Best comic in months

Don't like the repetition of little massive man though

Little Massive Man

the astonishing debut single

from

M.U.M.ford & tha $onzzzz

lol isnt dat teh guy whose gf got her snatch swarmed on by teh bassball team?

I thought we buried that. Oh well.

buried that like a penis in ir8trucks gf's clam, maybe

I totally love this.

It's really just a place to jerk off.

Oh my God

this

this is AWESOME

gj bruv, you get a chubbie

they make rad food. chinese food is the shit.

BRO TIP: the chinese food you get in Chinese-American restaurants is not real chinese food.

Authentic chinese food has chicken feet and gizzards and heads and other fun things

duh. chinese people make it, so i call it chinese food.

When actually Chinese-American peole make it, so you should probably just go ahead and call it Chinese-American food.

The key difference between Chinese-American food and Chinese-British food is the profusion of hilarious inappropriate faux-British pet names that you recieve in response to your order.

what is a faux-british pet name?

Guv'nah, chum, mate, the whole rozzle tov.

I assume that i_love_kate is talking about the way that terms of address which sound natural in the voice of a white northern barmaid in her fifties (love, pet, chuck etc.) sound rather different, although still very charming, when spoken by a young Cantonese girl who is taking your order for Beef in black bean sauce. I remember being very amused when I heard a Sikh cabbie in Glasgow call my sister 'hen' in a thick Punjabi accent.

I am glad that there are people on this board who are not completely overcome by my incoherent babblings.

So I am.

[[nod]] when i see 'faux-british pet name', i think of the phrase 'faux-dago sexuality'. im sure it is because they are constructed similarly.

Mustard: a common spice foraged from the roots of the mustard plant. oftren uset in amercian quizine. (i.e, frankfarts, hambrugers, french frys, 'junior' tacos, sammichs.)

i oslo got food facts. i no a lil abot alot an thast okay

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Gladi8orrex is dangerous in many ways.

Alexander Pope's all, "drink deep, or taste not the Pierian--" and Gladi's all "Fuck yeah man, gimme a swig a that."

how does a 'junior taco' differ from a 'taco'?

but the most important member of the taco family is definitely the Macatacahodo 360

that is the coolest name for a foodstuff that i have ever heard.

I made myself a plate of those last year. They were... filling.

i bet they make your poops mad sturdy, yo.

(pre-apology)

One is legal, the other is not.

Maybe you should've gotten us a pre-pre-apology.

junior taco only has to do 3 to 5 and can ditch probation

Chinese-Scottish has been nothing but a delight so far, thank you very much.

Depends where you go. Yeah, Super China King Buffet or whatever ain't very Chinese. But most of the nicer sit-down places tend to be more authentic.

There's a place here called Dot Wo. I ate there a while back with my family and a couple of visitors from China (parents of an exchange student who stayed with my grandparents a couple years ago). I asked one of the visitors if the food we were eating was about like what they eat at home or if it was more Americanized and he said it was about the same.

To be fair, he didn't speak English really well so it's possible he didn't know what I was saying. I don't know.

he was bein' polite bro. dint wanna damage ur views on stuff he was prob like 'man dis guaylo aint never come to fatherland. the fuck i mess up his enjoyment of a dish. i'll jus' lie to 'em. hope he d8s my daughter'

please tell me you learned "guaylo" from Fast and the Furious : Tokyo Drift. thats where i learned it.

so thats like an asian equivalent of the word "gringo", right?

I thought it was the Tau word for human soldiers

it's spelled Gue'la, by the way

For Chinese, it's Gwailo, yes

for Japanese, if they call you a Gaijin they are basically calling you a nigger in their own language

I always saw it written as "gwei lo" when I lived in Hong Kong in my youth, but it doesn't really matter.

General translation was "white devil".

r u azn? or did you grow up in a military family?

Neither.

sup u got smthng aganst milatary cuz i gotz r-me peepz

no srsly tho im rme of won

nuh, dud, muh yonger bruh id in teh r-me. have mad respek 4 da miletairi doodz en chiks, reguardlezz.

i misread that as "miletairi doodz en chinks", which would have tied the discussion together quite nicely.

Them japs sure are racist.

I'm going to sidestep this white devil stuff to jump up and down while clapping. I ate at Dot Wo all the time in high school. I've spent a good deal of time in Beijing lately, and I can say the Dot Wo menu is fairly accurate, if a little limited. Pei Wei is not at all Chinese.

Next time you are at Dot Wo, ask them to get you my special chair. Doing so gets you a 10% discount and trouble walking properly.

He's right, though.

man, glass. ha ha. you have no idea.

I smell a wonderful story arc. Just when I started to think Chris Onstad was entering a cycle of repetition that any artist can fall into, he comes up with a new twist on the whole Whole Foods thing. I'm glad it's not just Ray being a badass about being a businessman and Ray being snarky about having bad ideas.

Good for you Onstad.

"It's where I win. Watch." made me laugh out loud, which few comic strips out there have made me do of late (except Tony Millionaire, he always makes me laugh out loud and then feel awful for doing so).

UNCLE GABBY LOOK DOOK DOOK DOOK BLAUAHGUAHAGH SLICE SPURT SPURT WAAAAUUGGGH ::pun::

Always works for me.

I forgot AMAZING ART, it goes between the slice and the spurt.

*dook dook dook*

I think it is rad to have alcoholism

I agree, but I hate the smell of arc in the morning. It smells like... closure.

Good stuff overall. Panel Eight should be a tattoo.

Wow. That would be extremely creepy to anyone who did not read Achewood. That would be horrible. Imagine seeing that picture engraved on someones flesh and having no idea what it meant. Your reptile brain would be screaming at you to smash the tattooee in the face with a pint pot and run for the hills. Other poor Achewood tattoo choices would be Teodor in a black unitard massaging his 'goooood tiiiiits' and Ray rising out of the trash can with his bad tasting cookies. On the other hand, Pat's rock hard cat cock would probably be quite forgivable, thanks to its exuberant and joyful rudeness.

as a general rule, I do not think tattoos should contain speech bubbles.

I have a tattoo on the tip of my penis, near the urethra. It is a speech-bubble saying, Put me in your Vagina!

totally not worth the agony of having a needle repeatedly driven into your glans.

by agony you mean sweet ecstasy I presume

i gave this a chubby because the thought of it GAVE me a chubby!

True story:

At a pharmacy I worked in a young man asked an assistant for something for a mouth ulcer. The assistant asked to see the ulcer so that she could recommend an approppriate product. The patient initially refused, but on the assistant's insistance opened his mouth. Tattood on the inside of his bottom lip was "sit here."

well that's a novel pickup line

as a general rule, I do not like tattoos placed on any mucous membrane

The The E-Onion Inspire, with Tony Robbins and Karl Lagerfeld. Yours for only $7 at Zales Foods.

karl legerfeld? i love.

That's the cutest thiggity thing I ever did see.

PHILIPPE. IS. MASSIVE.

I was kinda hopin Philippe would want to become a bike messenger and maybe he would get a fixie and some skinny jeans and wear glasses like Lyle...

NO. NO.

DO NOT SPOIL A BEAUTIFUL THING.

Onstad is on the fucking ball right now and I will not have you push him off

fuck you, asshole! dont you EVER blaspheme on my assetbar again! i will cut you a third asshole.

good posts

good non posts

Phillipe's eyebrows in panel two clearly indicate he is ready for a situation involving onions in a sack.

That look of incredulity in P2 is simply wonderful.

Garfield: First Blood

A tale of adventure, passion and romances!

It was a sunny day when Garfield was practicing Tai Chi on the roof top to harness his inner strength when he heard panic.

%u201CGarfield there is panic!%u201D Said Jon Arbuckle.

%u201CStop behaving like woman, Jon Arbuckle, what is the matter?%u201D Scolded Garfield as he put on his members only jacket.

%u201CNatalie Portman has been kidnapped you must come to the rescue!%u201D Said Jon Arbuckle with bone chilled eyes.

%u201CWHAT.?!%u201D Said Garfield as he bolted down the stairs with speed of a buffalo hoard.

Garfield switched on the tv showing Natalie Portman taken captive by vampire gangsters.

%u201CHelp Garfield, I am being taken captive by vampire gangsters!%u201D Cried Natalie Portman in hysterically.

%u201CHAHA Garfield!, We demand the blood Bank of USA give us 600 million gallons of blood, all in one hundred dollar bills or else we will be making evening breakfast out of Natalie Portman!%u201D Said the head Vampire Gangster with menace.

%u201CThe only deposit being made will be yours!%u201D Said Garfield with triumph, while shooting the tv in anger with his Desert Eagle.

%u201CGarfield what will you do?%u201D Asked John Arbuckle with audacity.

%u201CA man must do what he must do I will rescue Natalie Portman with these hands.%u201D Said Garfield fist clenched with justice.

Garfield strutted to his closet where he took his steak firing machine gun. He then hopped into his ALL AMERICAN four wheeled pick up truck.

%u201CGarfield let me come with you%u201D said John Arbuckle with intent.

%u201CNo you must stay, if I do not return in 24 hours call Tiger Woods.%u201D (Timely Joke)

%u201CThat was a timely joke Garfield.%u201D Said John Arbuckle, getting his joke.

Garfield than drove off into the thickness of summer night, determined to deliver justice through personal delivery.

When driving, Garfield turned on the radio for inspirational music.

%u201CHere is inspirational music for Garfield so that he may save the day again.%u201D Said the DJ.

The DJ started playing heart thumping rocking music to pump Garfield up.

%u201CThis is the beat to my groove.%u201D Said Garfield as he let himself get pumped.

As Garfield drove he saw a kid taking drugs and ruining his life. Garfield was enraged by the waste of the youth and ran him over with his pickup truck.

%u201CDrugs are for dopes go back to education!%u201D Said Garfield.

%u201CYes you are right Garfield.%u201D Said the kid who stopped doing drugs and went back to school for degrees.

Garfield than arrived at the vampire warehouse where the vampire gangsters held their Natalie Portman. Garfield notices there was a vampire gangster guarding the entrance.

%u201COh, no its Garfield I must make alarm!%u201D Said the vampire gangster.

%u201CThe only alarm you will be making is in hell!%u201D Said Garfield as he shot the vampire gangster in the chest with his Desert Eagle.

%u201CHA Garfield! Vampires can only be killed with steaks and suns!%u201D Said the vampire gangster.

%u201CFool my bullets are made of suns.%u201D Said Garfield with astrophysics.

%u201COh no I am dead!%u201D Said the stupid vampire gangster as he burned away.

Garfield lit a cigarette on the burning vampire and continued his mission. During exploration, Garfield encountered two other vampire gangsters guarding a room.

%u201CHere is a prime rib meal ready for serving!%u201D Quipped Garfield as he shot the vampire gangsters to their deaths with his steak gun.

Garfield than bursted into the room seeing the Natalie Portman captured with the menacing vampire gangster leader her at her side.

%u201CHaha Garfield you have entered a trap! Look around you are surrounded!%u201D Said the Vampire Gangster leader.

Garfield looked around him seeing vampire gangsters all around, closing in, when Garfield heard a familiar voice.

%u201CAMAKOOOO%u201D

John Arbuckle crashed in from the ceiling with his two golden revolvers daftly firing all around at the vampire gangsters.

%u201CThank you for my back up John Arbuckle, I was in a pit of danger%u201D Said Garfield with sternness.

%u201CNo problem, you have gotten me out of more jam than I can remember.%u201D Said John Arbuckle.

%u201CThe jig is up Vampire Gangster, time to face the face of justice.%u201D Said Garfield with justice coming out of his eyes and ears.

%u201COh no Garfield I have a terrible secret to unveil!%u201D Said the vampire gangster as he ripped off his face to reveal that he was really Odie!

%u201COdie how could you.%u201D Said John Arbuckle.

%u201CAfter all the adventure and bonding we shared you have fallen into criminality?%u201D Said Garfield with disappointment.

%u201CYes Garfield I am tired of you having all the glory and women. No more this time the glory and women will be my own!%u201D Said Odie with bitter triumph.

%u201COdie I thought you were a man but you are just a mutt.%u201D Said Garfield with sadness in his heart.

%u201CYou do not have the heart to kill me Garfield so say your good byes to your precious Natalie Portman!%u201D Leered Odie with evil.

%u201CYou are forgetting one thing Odie, you may have drawn first blood, but I always draw last.%u201D Said Garfield with cool style as he shot Odie with his Desert Eagle.

%u201CNOOOO%u201D Said Odie as he staggered and fell out of the window into acid.

Garfield went to the tied up Natalie Portman and freed her swiftly.

%u201CThank you Garfield I am forever in debt.%u201D Said Natalie Portman with love to Garfield.

%u201CNo problem babe I liked you in Space Balls, now lets dance a sexy tango.%u201D Said Garfield.

%u201CThank you for complimenting my acting.%u201D Said Natalie Portman with gratitude.

So after Garfields gracious compliments they both danced a sexy tango and got all tens.

%u201CWow Garfield you are great dancer are you doing anything tonight?%u201D Said Natalie Portman.

%u201CI am now, I will take to four stars restaurant called Olive Garden it has food of one of a kind taste.%u201D Said Garfield with class.

%u201CThat sounds delicious and romantic.%u201D Said Natalie Portman with romance on her mind.

With these words Garfield and Natalie Portman rode to Olive Garden on a black stallion with wind flowing through their hair.

The End??

Never thought the day would come to use this, especially on assetbar, but:

%u201CTL;DNR%u201D

Unfortunately I did. Yours was the better choice.

it was pretty good. it had the style of when Philipe writes on the typewriter