Cooling it with a rental

Cooling it with a rental 10/24/2007 « prev 1st rand curr next »

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wow what everyone was waiting for, MORE DICK HOORAY

everybody get on the dick love train!

AAAAAAGH!

THE BLOOD! THE BLOOD!

cat cock

Rock hard cat cock

Rock hard with RAGE!

It's clearly flaccid.

You can ride in the caboose.

There are barbs involved.

Haha, I love that logo, its the uninsured motorist! I bet he's been in his share of Hot Tub brawls.

You know what you signed up for.
"Aggressively nude animals".

A Google search of "Aggressively nude animals" is surprisingly boring.

Q: What's Reginald whispering in Beartato's ear?
A: "Aggressively nude animals"

today's strip is an admonition to children not to grow mustaches etc.

Anyone know the latest dong-count, by the way?

Everyone's talking about the dick here, but is this the first instance of pubics?

I always thought a lot of Resident Evil characters would be a lot more scary if they had mutated, flaccid dongs penduluming beneath their torsos as they stumbled towards you.

I'm not sure how I feel about giving this comment a "chubby." But I did.

Chubbied only for the use of "penduluming"

Pubic hair is shown here and here (kind of). Mentioned here, here and here.

Also, [url=http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07082004]here[/url

Oh for god's sake. here

riazm, if that is really your thing, you may want to seek out Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend. It's a veritable smorgasbord of otherworldly demon dick. I mean, if that's your thing....

Finally, the origins of tentacle rape are revealed!

My roommate claims that there are some ancient Japanese pictures of it though.

This is true. Google "Dream of the Fisherman's Wife."

Also, fun true video gaming penis fact: the cyclopes in God of War were slated to have penises, as the female monsters have breasts. I presume that some of the higher-ups balked at dangling cyclops-cock.

The processors of the day could not accommodate video input of that many one-eyed monsters at the same time.

Damn. You win.

Mein Gott! I love 'em and all, but I swear - the Japanese must have nightmares for brains.

Like we don't.

Yeah, but our nightmares are all just about running underwater and being in debt, and shit. Violent demon dicks don't usually play a big role.

Yeah but it would soak up hell of resources

Wait...what's the connexion between these two statements?

Go ahead and google "Connexion" and tell me the first thing you see.

...the Wikipedia page for "connexion" which tells me that it was a common spelling of "connection" until the 18th century.

...and ray casually sips his beer.
hell of classy.

what we need more of is dick.

I wish to find a lady who subscribes to your views and chooses to make it the maxim of her actions.

HOORAY
[IMGS OFF]

You know those times when you look at something and just say "What." No particular intonation, no particular inflection: Just "What."

That would be me right now.

We do see the return of cat cock, though.

That is exactly what I thought. I thought, "What." One eyebrow sort of half-cocked. Head tilted to one side a little. "What."

"One eyebrow sort of half-cocked."

Heh.

That's hardly cocked at all, unlike this comic.

baby-soft cat cock.

Now you have me wondering if rocks are the opposite of babies.

mmmmmm, flabby bicep...

The "Bingo Wing" if you will

I won't.

i think i would buy this dvd if it also included cat boobs too, not just cat cock

You mean "tits." "Tits" is the opposite of "Cock."

No it isn't. The opposite of "cock" would be "pussy."

Exactly. Cock, pussy; tits, dick.

I don't follow your logic here.

Well, obviously pussies and tits are not the same thing. I don't know, this is just how they are paired up in my head?

Logic= Cock:Pussy::Tits:Man boobs

Why would you get into a hot tub, naked, with someone who you share such animosity with, that a fight would break out? It must be staged.

Also how long do you think it will take for this show to appear on fox?

RE: "Why"
My thoughts exactly. Why would these two flabby, hairy guys be naked in a hot tub together if they were just going to fight? Jason must have made a faux pas.

the REAL question is how was this caught on camera?

Well you'll notice that there's at least two cameras, so yeah, probably staged

it's already there.

My money's on Jason. Mike looks hell of tubby.

...fuck

FUCK YOU, SKOORA!

AAAAAAGH!

*swills some beer on the couch*

GOD DAMN IT!

GOD DAMN YOU!

You're mad at us! SHAME on you!

Oh my god dude what are you doing sitting around watching gay porn like it was just a basic day!

I feel grateful to have been able to use that line in real life.

This is a story that cries out to be told

Please elaborate on this.

Ray's gotta think of this as a challenge.

Panel 5: That's the most aggressive (and naked) waltz I've ever seen.

excuse me i mean panel 6. i cannot count.

So at first I thought this might have been a 4, maybe even a 3. I was not pleased with it. But then I read the alt text (You can do whatever you want in life.), and I had to sit down for a little bit, and then I came back to my computer and voted 5.

The alt text here is like 55% of the joke. Which leaves 10% for Ray's expression once you factor in the rock-hard cat cock.

"rock-hard cat cock"?

Didn't see any of that myself. Perhaps that is interpretation based on the naked wrestling.

yeah - I scrolled past pretty quickly and didn't notice. I'm at work.

c.f. the "boiled noodle effect"

I definitely had the same reaction but you're right the alt text is what makes it. Well, that and the dick.

I think it's interesting that a comic you were not pleased with still warranted a possible 4.

This is Acheworld, where nothing about Achewood sucks ever, even if it is not good. A '3' is mandatory.

No strip after 2001 has received any fewer from me.

QUICK CORRECTION - no Onstad-penned strip after 2001 has received any fewer from me.

any strip with dick, really

Onstad is mocking what has become of late a new form of entertainment, and yet ironically Im sure it will simply be the birth of a new distinct sub-genre. Hot water? Wangs? Hella yes.

Ok, ok, it's been done to death, but I still get a chuckle out of this. So sue me.
I must say, I was thinking more along the lines of "Tonight, we fight... in tub!" But it made no sense whatsoever

Is Ray perhaps watching more gay porn?

He's observing all manner of brawls in preparation for his next Great Outdoor Fight appearance.

This part of his training relates to a hypothetical situation in which he gets jumped while washing the bloodstains out of his fur.

Yeah . . . but wouldn't the Ruling Body shoot him sight if he shows up again? Rebuilding The Acres wasn't cheap and some of the died when Tower One when over. I'm suprised they haven't come after him already. Revenge is a thing in the main.

Become the ruling body.

I'd give you a chubby for that statement, but the page says I'm too friendly.

This isn't gay porn, it's pure manliness.

Just another basic day for Ray.

Mike, talk about his wifes debt! Go for the trapezius muscles!

All things considered, I seriously doubt that Jason has a wife.

Pretty sure that is Ron Sipes, http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02162006. Jason could be part of another Hot Tub Brawl.

Wow, nice catch. I wonder why he needs a pseudonym?

if you were a hot tub brawler would you use your real name?

Different chin and jawline. Ron Sipes could have shaved his head, but he probably did not go through plastic surgery. Envelope, who was definitely ashamed, only bothered to dye his facial hair.

If it's anyone from the GOF, my money's on Cody Travis. He was shown previouly with his cowboy hat on, so he could be bald; and Ray did rip off his face, so a slight change in appearance was in order no matter what.

Mike and Jason. Their wit astounds.

Ray is evaluating a product here. He is considering investing some small amount into the idea.

Is he? I didn't think of it like that. I assumed he's just watching two nekkid rednecks duking it out in a spa because, hey, what the hell? And if anyone calls him gay for doing it, he'd just be sitting there, being straight.

I like the idea that someone has made some test footage of this concept they have had, and they have sent this small sampling to a few wealthy men in the know.

It's possible. But I personally more see it as part of Ray's character that he saw this in the...the...whatever section of the video store, thought "nah, I couldn't. I don't want no zit-faced video clerk givin' me the funky-eye," and then he thought, "Wait, fuck that" and borrowed the dvd out of spite. Possibly giving the video clerk the finger as well.

As to whether he will enjoy the production or not, by this point, is regardless. It's now a matter of principle.

I just assumed he viewed getting off to gay porn as a challenge. Still.

So at first I thought Ray had actually hired two guys to do this in his hot tub. Then I re-read it and saw "DVD" and was disappointed. Although it could be that he's in the process of filming it.

Much like ancient olympians, modern hot tub brawlers like to compete in the nude, taut bodies glistening with the strain of their exertion (and the olive oil, don't forget the olive oil).

From experience I can tell you that the Greek had the right idea when it came to exercising in the nude.

Don't know about oil though.

chris has drawn better cocks.

admit it

we ALL have

Not normally on paper though. In the whimsical days of my youth, they would appear on all manner of media - tables, advertisements, the new kid (me)'s backpack - the sky was presumedly the limit in the heady world of cock-drawing, really.

But to draw it on paper seemed too obvious too pedestrian, and was hence rare.

My cocks were mediocre, at best, whenever I drew them. Ill-formed testes. Whispy strands of pubic hair. Sometimes, I didn't even bother too outline the shape of the head - the shaft would just come to a point with a black dot at the top. Each one was a poor man's cock, there is no doubt.

DrSkradley is ashamed of his previously drawn cocks.

He also left out a comma after "obvious". The shame doesn't end.

DrSkradley also put the period after the quotation mark, in the manner of the Germans. My schadenfreude center lights up only dimly over this. You must shame yourself more fiercely for my pleasure.

If it helps, the amount of my shame is truly quantified by the fact that I'm an English teacher. Shame upon shame.

It is indeed pickles on a parade, both for myself and for the state education board.

Ah, I am sated. Thank you.

oh hee hee

Quote:

the heady world of cock-drawing

assetbar has quotes/??

Quote:

ffffffff

They could never make a lady weep. They could never make a homeless man turn his life around and achieve more than any man has ever achieved before. Not like Chris Onstad's cat cocks.

By "the sky was the limit", are you saying that skywriters have not yet been employed in penile draftsmanship? Because if not, there's a market right there.

The sport of kings

Frungy?

somehow i don't see hot tub brawling as being a zoq-fot-pik thing. i think the androsynth were supposed to be gay but in this kraftwerky way where you know the only hot tub they know about is HOTTUB.BAS which they run on their commodore homecomputers. those dudes don't know anything about hot tub brawling. i can see a bunch of yehat dudes trying to give each other wing-noogies in the jacuzzi or whatever but with all that flappy squawky shit it wouldn't be much like what ray's watching, more like that "pterodactyl porn" video that was on pornotube a few months ago (if you don't know what i am talking about then you better google this IMMEDIATELY).

Is that anything like the shark sex video

It's a bit more along the lines of the E.T. porn clip that was floating around for awhile. But why split hairs? Both caused my genitals to flee for cover inside my body cavity and filled me with the distinct urge to seek out a Himalayan monastery for to live the rest of my days in blind seclusion.

And don't forget the Llama pron CD on Userfriendly.org

how can you mix achewood and userfriendly in your brain
i would think they would interact and explode like matter and antimatter except replace matter with humor (or effort or dignity or)

I can't believe I'm chubbying manflesh.

Also, if the Pkunk brawled in a hot tub, it would enhance their psychic rage powers.

Good God, what has become of me.

The last panel and the alt text are pure, distilled excellence.

I love defined patches of hair on an already fury body. The drapes match the rug, but not the faux furry paint!

How can you be sure they have hair?

[IMGS OFF]

Agh! Devilcat!

Also, this is the kind of show that would be on Fox if it were a cable channel instead of a network.

It looks like a medical cross-section of a cat, where there's no skin and you can see all the muscles.

...And abnormally large ears.

Jason's pubes are so hell of wispy a spider covets.

Dang.

I mean, with all due respect... do you think retardo might have been, y'know, onto something?

whatever happened to that fellow, anyway?

I mean I guess you were a bit of a troll about it, but still, there was some pretty rank homophobia thrown in your face.

And the level of reaction was stunning. Is calling Chris gay really THAT offensive?

PS: I miss Asherdan

Where is the troll and his keyboard? Where is the mouse he was clicking?
They have passed like rain on the mountain, like a wind in the meadow.
The days have gone down in the West, behind the hills into shadow...

Yes. Yes yes yes yes. Bring Tolkien to the masses, sir!

plus 1 for tolkein
minus 1 for missing Asherdan
Sorry, bixschmix cannot in good conscience award you a chubby today. Please try again next time.

I gave you a chubby for the Tolkien but I regretted it somewhat upon rereading that first line, bixschmix is probably better at math than I.

No.

There was a perfectly reasonable amount of hatred aimed at him for his endless "Chris is gay lol" style comments. The fact he uses correct spelling and a thesarus does not change the intent of content.

Your allowed to hate a gay man if he is also a complete troll.

It's kind of weird that you are so obsessed with establishing that Chris Onstad is gay.

So weird that I have to wonder what the deal is? Is it just a personal crusade?

a guy thinks that onstad is gay
news at 11

why is he so intent on "outing" C.O.? Just chill-ax. Chris is gay or straight, either way, what does it matter to you? Let the guy make his comic strip. If you enjoy reading it for free, keep doing so. If you have an opinion on it, make a post. But I think endlessly writing about your theory that he's gay borders on stupid. What if people followed you around, endlessly suggesting you were straight? You'd think they were jerks.

I'm all about the whole "homo-eroticism gets read into everything too much" vibe. But... man... this is pretty homoerotic. But then again, you can do whatever you want in life. Kick him in the nuts Mike.

(TM)!

Ha, 2 lames already. I really screwed up this time, huh.

Haha oh my gosh what on earth

yeah

SOME OKTOBERFEST GOIN ON HERE! HUH?!

CAPSLOCK IS THE ENEMY.

but i was yelling! :<

Penis.

Penis!

Penis!!

Penis?

PENIS.

Still Undefeated!

PENIS!!

P to the E to the N to the I to the S

PENS!

oh god dammit

You know, I was just thinking the other day that the internet needed more furry porn. And voila! People discussing it and everything. AWESOME

The internet needs more furry porn? My God man, how much is too much?

on the other hand, how disturbing would it be for cartoon cats to watch porn of humans?

The guy's name is Mike.

If Nice Pete had lived to see this, he would live to be this.

Nice Pete died?

Nice Pete almost died, with that machine that stabbed people after it got enough online votes, but the strip went on to show they helped him survive and Nice Pete now feels indebted to Ray.

Yeah, I forgot. The last thing I clearly remember is SPLUT SPLUT SPLUT SPLUT.

him too

The fact that i can identify with this strip reminds me that i need to get a job.

This is what ray smuckles looks forward to after a long day of managing clients: chilling out with a frosty brew on his ergonomic swiss couch, watching naked hot-tubbers fight to the death.

This, my friends, is Leisure.

I bet if you put all the Leisure in a Town somewhere it would be pretty awesome but eventually stop updating

What if you put all the Jerks in one City? Then what?

I think you already know the answer to your question

It could be interactive and you could thumb up or down to decide if the winner can kill the loser.

Ray just wants to look at boys' Linuses.

"Chris Onstad has turned into a retarded person. If you have enjoyed Achewood lately you are gay!"

I am merely quoting you in lieu of putting forward a rebuttal. Because with quotes like that, a rebuttal in which I point out the stupidities of how you are wording what you are saying would be completely and utterly redundant.

nice use of the reductio ad absurdum!

Alas, I am out of chubbies to give you, for your definition of something using a Latin term I was unaware of for a logical argument I was. Still, my applause!

I'd like to give you a chubby man, but...I'm sorry, I can normally give a chubby, no problem, this hasn't ever happened to me before, honestly baby...

that's ok... I'm not sure it technically was a reductio, but it captured this spirit of that type of argument, where you show one of your opponent's premises to be untenable, absurd, or just plain ol' shite...

To paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, I'm laughing at what you said, but I will not defend your right to say it.

That was Voltaire, but Thomas Jefferson might have said that at some point. He was known for plagiarising Enlightenment philosophers, especially John Locke.

Long enough for...wait, no! DAMMIT!

If liking Achewood makes me gay, well then you can just drape me in leather and call me Queerzo!

Oh goddamn I have been in a just terrible mood since i found out yesterday that Fred FUCKING Phelps and his inbred Bible-raping "church" (google him if you don't know about him) is coming to our school to protest and harass my friends and one of my favorite teachers at the premiere of our school's fall play because homosexuals should die and HOW DARE WE put on a play that has even a vaguely pro-gay-rights agenda and some of my lesbian/bi friends are starting to feel intimidated and one of them was crying yesterday and i said to my other friend "the next bastard that uses the word gay as an insult god help me i am actually going to slap them" and now i find out I CAN'T SLAP YOU BECAUSE YOU LIVE ON THE INTERNET AND NOT WITHIN SLAPPING VICINITY.

capslock is good therapy
/fin

Heh. I read that as slapcock.
I kind of hope Ray doesn't go all Dumbledore on us. Come on, Onstad. Don't play us that way.

Congratulations, now I will forever read capslock as slapcock. I am fine with this.

Those people are terrifying. They came to my town a few years ago; I had up until then thought of them as extremely offensive but amusing in their fuckupery. In real life they're just like blank-eyed, homo-hating zombies.

Good luck to you and your friends.

As a Christian and a human being, Fred Phelps and his crew of misanthropic misfit annoy the crap out of me. It's amazing to think people are that stupid.

I hope you kick them all squaw in the nuts. Jesus would. Heh, Jesus will, metaphorically.

Jason? Mike? Shades in the tub?! This isn't hot-tub brawls in the raw, this a couple of mid-life-crisis suits trying like they were the kind of guys who fight in big baths...

It's like gay porn for homophobes.

I'm glad that this was the first thing that I read when I came into work this morning. The alt text is some of the most inspiring stuff I've ever read. I feel ready to do this today!

how did it go?

LOL, I work in a leisure center with a hotub. I would love to see a fight or two in there. Some of them guys need their arses kicking.

Seriously people, am I the only one seeing halloween references here? Or rather "Halloween vs Friday the 13th" :)

There is always a price for reading achewood

MovieTime Video - Achewood
Rental History: "Best Of Hot Tub Brawls"

10/23/2007: Smuckles, R.
08/14/2007: Reynolds, P.
08/11/2007: Reynolds, P.
06/04/2006: Reynolds, P.

Pat is way too paranoid to rent such a thing under his own name.

He would probably find a fake hat and wrap-arounds, change cabs three times, rent five other videos so they won't notice, change shoes twice, use a German accent ("sanks" instead of "thanks"), and then he would use a fake MovieTime card under the name of..

..Troy Harlem.

..or Ted Max, Kurty Boy, Darren Steam, Rocco Carboni..

Pat would use a pseudonym, but it would still be cask-strength gay.

(the whole time, Rod Huggins is sitting in the third cab waiting for him to come out of the rental place, all shaking his head and sighing)

too right.

It's a Fuck You Wednesday! What a treat!

Who do you think won...?

everybody

Is Ray bored? Nonchalantly swigging his beer and all.

Automatic 5 for showing me a balding cat's flaccid cock.

This is basically the premise behind professional wrestling.

hahahahahah what the FUCK!

Next on Ray's Netflix:
The DVD of a dog barfing up candy next to a CEO.

Congratulations of Jennifer P. from Ontario, for correctly guessing the candy.

It was "Now & Laters."

She will be receiving a t-shirt recreating her favorite scenes from the footage.

My interpretation is that Ray is "cooling it" with this particular video. "It" being his raging libido.

dowsing the flames in the hot tub eh?

I don't see anything remotely gay about this experience. Note Ray's non-masturbatory pose. The dick is there because dudes have dicks.

This DVD is just a thing. Ray does a thing. The thing is done. Fin.

Ray may even call his Mom afterwards to discuss it, tell her to add it to her Netflix queue.

It wouldn't even be there for long. In the actual movie, I mean. The balding cat charges across the hot tub and you go, "did I just see cat cock? Great Caesar's ghost, I think I just saw cat cock." Only thanks to The Magic Of Comics (thanks, McCloud) is it now preserved forever.

Man, this strip with the "You Can Do Whatever You Want In Life" alt text has done more for my mood than a thousand "hang in there" kitten posters.

heh, some of the best comments are half a mile down the page. thanks for rewarding my search, and perhaps revealing the 'real' purpose of this strip for me :)

What? No it isn't. You know it isn't. You just wanted the line-tie in and the chubbies and accolades (I'll leave it to somebody else to make a Syndicate reference) of an impressed forum-going public.

.....for one thing, there are no lightning bolts, which would be dangerous in a hot tub anyway.

Are you really throwing a wiener-dog in the manner of a football in your avatar? Dude, that's just wrong.

When I was in boot camp all of the recruits had to shower in the same massive shower room and one time a fist fight broke out. Nude shower fights are very unsettling but hilarious at the same time. That's Achewood.

i can attest. the highlight of my college soccer career was the naked shouting match/scuffle in the group shower after a rather poor game. it was not only a thing, it was a naked angry thing. and that kind of a thing ain't nothing but hilarity.

See I don't see why they necessarily even have to be gay, or out at least. I see two middle aged dudes used to being naked in the locker room and sauna get into a hot tub. One thinks about it a sec and says, "Is this kind of gay?" The other jokes with something like "haha, I think your dick just got bigger"... then the homophobia takes hold. Ironically, it may end with waterboarding and a pounding from behind.

Seconded, I don't think the guys involved are gay, they are just stupid. Notice the flaccid dong and genuine "anger".

I'm reminded of the bathhouse scene in Eastern Promises.

The alt text is the best part of this strip. I like it when Onstad meta-comments on his own life. Who is "doing their own thing" more--the fictional persons involved in this DVD, or the real person who made them up?

I'm sure on the cover was two broads with big veiny jugs trying to drown each other in the hot tub, you just gotta get through the first 30 minutes of homoerotic/hilarious dude fighting to get to the primo j\o material, Ray is just biding the time with a cold one.

Chubby for Neil Young

Hahaha jesus christ chris.

Thank you, Chris.

Mike was forced into this lifestyle to pay for his tailectomy, after they found a malignant tumor at the base of his coccyx. There are hundreds more like Mike who are degraded because of their taillessness. Your donation could give a cat back his dignity. Visit www.cattailregenesis.org for more info on how to help.

i have those exact sunglasses

Ray's not gay.

He's so straight that he's comfortable watching two guys duke it out in a hot tub, and he's just sitting there. Being Straight.

BEST. ALT TEXT. EVER.

This is "best of" Hot Tub Brawls. There are other, lesser brawls, that were not deemed worthy of inclusion into this DVD.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS.

a dick and balls was not what i was expecting. i can tell from the lack of detail that chris didnt like drawing it. it gets a 5 for genitals

Dude looks hella like Ron Sipes.

I suspect that both these men are GOF veterans. If not, they should be.

there's some funny fuckers that read this comic. these comments are some of the funniest ever. also - i call the smudge tool for his dick hair.

Can't say for sure, but this could be the easiest dialogue Onstad has had to write.

It's Fuck You Wednesday.

Today I have finished reading all of Achewood.
Mr Onstad, I am not a man of revenue but as soon as I become one I will be purchasing the whole book set.